BREAKING: Eating Cheese the Key to a Longer Life!

YESSS!!! Scientists have come out in a new study and said that cheese consumption may actually help you live longer. Hallelujah brothas and sistas! According to research from the science journal “Nature Medicine” eating some aged cheese might actually add years to your life. People, I am not overstating this when I say I am giddy and giggling like an 9-year old schoolgirl over here.

 

Researchers tested an ingredient in cheese unfortunately called “spermidine” that increased the lifespan of mice and rats.

The paper also took a survey of over 800 Italians and found that the ones who ate more cheese had a lower blood pressure and lower risk of heart failure and cardiovascular disease. To be fair some doctors caution that the effects of eating cheese may be undermined due to the large fat content, but they can all go straight to hell.

To summarize, if you’re like me and eat about 4-tons of cheese a week you’ll live to be 127.

Thank you and goodnight.

PS- As a result of this news, my famous food invention the Sweet Cheezus will undoubtedly be skyrocketing in popularity soon. Recipe below:

Ingredients:

1 Jar Kraft Original Cheese Whiz

1 Box Sunshine Cheez-It Baked Snack Crackers

I Loaf Classic White Wonder Bread

Directions (1 serving):

Take 2 slices of Classic White Wonder Bread, toast to your taste. I prefer mine nearly burnt. Note: Only Wonder Bread please. Don’t cheat yourself people.

Remove toasted slices from toaster or toaster oven, lay on clean surface.

Spread Kraft Original Cheese Whiz liberally upon one slice of toasted bread.

Carefully place Sunshine Cheez-It Baked Snack Crackers on top of Cheese Whiz in 3-rows of 3 (9 total).

Gently place second slice of bread on top of bottom slice.

Take 30-seconds to admire your work of art.

Bite, chew, and let the cheesy goodness take you to a better place.

Repeat as desired until full.

You’re welcome.