Archive for the ‘Things I Love’ Category

Check out that little Honey Possum, man. Just cute like you read about. This mouse-sized marsupial lives on a diet of nectar and pollen. It can drink 7-ml of nectar a day, which would be like a human drinking 50-liters of Mountain Dew. That’s cray man. Its Aboriginal name is Noolbenger, which sounds like somebody’s mailman or something. “Hey! There’s Al Noolbenger with the mail!” The Honey Possum’s tail is prehensile, meaning it can grasp branches and whatnot. The tail is longer than the rest of his body, and he hails from Western Australia. Anywho, Honey Possum.

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So the humongous alligator that’s been seen over the last few years in Florida has been spotted again. This dude looks like a caboose with legs, man. Something out of the Jurassic Period perhaps. Anyway, here we see it after it just had a hearty breakfast of oxen with a side of St. Bernard. Yikes.

A man in New York City named Charlie went to a shelter to get a dog. However, the one he had his eyes on had already been adopted. However, before Charlie left he decided to take a lap around the facility to see what other dogs were available. Just as he was about to leave he saw a little mutt in a the corner of a cage. The little dog’s back legs didn’t work, he had 3 teeth and his ears had been frostbitten. At that point Charlie had a thought: “If I don’t take him, nobody will.” Ladies and gentlemen, meet Engelbert.

Squid Eggs, man. Also sorta kinda doubles as Cool Animal of the Day.

Grab a pencil, kids. Ready? December 3rd. That is my birthday. Still plenty of time to order my present. Thank you and goodnight.

The Beatles notoriously hated lip-synching, and it’s never been more evident than in this video. There’s John, barely containing his disgust. Then we have Paul and George, gamely trying to stay professional. Finally we have Ringo, at times not even pretending to play drums. Classic stuff, man.

PS- Beatle videos are notoriously short-lived on YouTube. Watch this while you can.

Yes kids, our crack staff here at Shoe: Untied is here for you once again. We’ve scoured the worldwide interweb to come up with the Top 10 2018 children’s Halloween costumes for you, our loyal readers. We have ranked said costumes from 10 to 1, because we’re here for you. Let us commence . . .

#10 – Gandhi

Nothing like dressing your kid up as the symbol for India’s independence, amirite? Good call.

#9 – Pillsbury Doughboy

Are you calling your kid fat? Perhaps. But it’s OK. Totally worth it.

#8 – Hannibal Lecter

Because dressing your kid up as a fictional movie serial killer is always a great idea.

#7 – A Taco

Because why the hell not? Tacos be tasty.

#6 – Walter White & Jesse Pinkman

Because you’re willing to shave your kid’s head, right? Right? LOVED Breaking Bad.

#5 – Old Woman

Simple but effective. Very effective. Also disturbing as hell.

#4 – Wilson the Volleyball

Everyone loved Wilson, the volleyball from Castaway, right? Look, it’s Wilson the volleyball from Castaway!

#3 – Dwight Schrute

If you’re not a fan of The Office you’re not a fan of mine and you can kiss my ass. That is all.

#2 – The Dude

Any avid reader of this site know I’m a fan of The Big Lebowsky, so I am thusly a fan of this costume. Rock on, dude.

#1 – Glowstick Boy

Shoot me, but I love me some Glowstick boy. Cannot help myself.

So there ya go, kids. Shoe: Untied’s Top 10 favorite Halloween costumes. Steal at your leisure.

Beautiful.

Flying Great Whites? Flying Great Whites.

Luggage upright? Check. Handles facing upward? Check. Tags visible? Check.

Japan, man.


While researching our last story, my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied came upon the fact that the prehistoric Dunkleosteus had a staggering bite of 8,000 pounds per square inch. That inspired me to dig further, so I assigned intern Bradley Dirkens the task of finding the Top 10 current animals with the strongest bite. And by the way, our researchers found that results varied wildly. Because of this we averaged our findings. Here’s what the Dirkster found:

Human – 162 psi

On the grand scale of living creatures, this is very low. Good thing we’re smart, amirite? On a related note, I once had a 3rd grader named Jimmy Turkle who I’m pretty sure had a psi of 573.

Jack Russell – 200 psi

I chose the Jack Russell because of my beloved Sparky. He is small but mighty. What Spark lacks in bite he will make up for in attitude and spunk. I also use every excuse I can think of to post photos of my best friend.

The Spark.

Rottweiler – 325 psi

Meh. Pretty sure Spark could take him.

Cougar350 psi

The cougar is second among the big cats. You’ll see who tops this guy shortly.

Gray Wolf406 psi

Wow. Thank God there have been no recorded attacks of wolves on humans in recorded history, despite what you’ve seen in movies.

That stare though.

Giant Otter – 450 psi

Don’t let that cute face fool you, kids. This dude can rip your face off. Giant Otters, man. There are videos of them defeating alligators.

Bring it.

Mastiff – 556 psi

Factoid: The Mastiff has the strongest bite among dogs.

Lion – 691 psi

Ah. The King of the Jungle. But his bite isn’t close to the most powerful among animals, as you’re about to see.

Alligator Snapping Turtle – 1,000 psi

Wait. A Turtle? Yes, a turtle. And a badass turtle indeed. Guys, imagine swimming and this guy takes a bite out of your . . . never mind.

Cutie.

Hyena1,100 psi

This innocent looking bro sort of looks like a cute dog, but he has a bite stronger than a freakin’ lion. ‘Nuff said.

Grizzly Bear – 1,160 psi

No shocker here. Grizzlies have the rep, and it is well-deserved. Crush your skull like you read about.

Polar Bear – 1,200 psi

Don’t let those Pepsi commercials fool you, folks. The Polar Bear is a stone cold killing machine.

Silverback Gorilla – 1,300 psi

Is it me or do most people not think of gorillas as biters? I usually think of them as having brute strength. Either way a bad day for whoever is on the receiving end.

Jaguar – 1,500 psi

The Jaguar. It’s bite is stronger that that of a lion or tiger. It can also crush skulls with one snap of its jaws.

Hippo – 1,800 psi

Many people don’t realize this, but more humans die from being killed by hippos yearly than any other animal. Plus, they’re way faster than you think.

Great White Shark – 4,000 psi

This should come to the surprise of nobody. You know, Jaws and whatnot.

Nile Crocodile – 7,000 psi

Holy Mother of God that’s one helluva bite. Dude could snap a human in half in an instant, and has many times for that matter.

Rat – 7,500 psi

Rats, man. They can gnaw through wood, concrete, and even steel in some cases.

PS- The rat is not included in most of the “strongest bite” articles. Not sure why but I’m sure there’s a reason.

Ever heard of Dunkleosteus? It is one of the most terrifying fish ever to have roamed these Earth’s oceans. This bad boy lived 360-million years ago, and how it died out is a mystery to all. Once you hear about this badass you’ll know it’s unlikely he was killed off by predators. By studying fossils we’ve found some truly horrifying facts about the big guy.

To begin, he really was a BIG guy. 30-feet long to be precise. That’s a big fillet kids. But that’s not all my friends. The Dunkleosteus crushed its prey with its own skull. And get this – Dunkleosteus didn’t have a single tooth in its head. Instead, its entire skull was covered with bony plates that acted as armor and formed two long “fangs” – one each on the top and bottom jaw. Holy moly. Not scary enough for y’all? Those fangs were self-sharpening. As it opened and shut its jaws, the edges of its fangs rubbed together, creating friction. Over time, this kept them perfectly sharpened into razor-edges weapons of death. Is there anything that could make this prehistoric underwater dinosaur any more frightening? There is – its jaws were able to snap shut with 8000-pounds of bite force per square inch. Holy Mother of God, this thing made Jaws look like a guppy. Here are some glamour shots of ol’ Dunky. Check him out:

 

 

 

In 1953 an Air Force radio squadron operator was the first American to receive word that Soviet leader Joseph Stalin had died. The operator’s name? Johnny Cash.

This is beer, battered and fried. The beer is poured into little ravioli pockets which burst with scalding suds upon first bite. To make it, the beer is placed inside a pocket of salty, pretzel-like dough and then dunked in oil at 375 degrees for about 20 seconds, a short enough time for the confection to remain alcoholic. When you take a bite the hot beer mixes with the dough to create a delicious taste sensation. And yes, kids, you have to be 21 to eat it. Deep Fried Beer, an idea whose time has come.

Check out that Pelican Spider, man. Dude really does looks like a damn pelican. The most interesting thing about these guys is the fact that their main source of food is . . . wait for it . . . other spiders. Creeping up to the web of another spider, the Pelican Spider taps the web to mimic the struggling movements of a captured insect. Its long neck and fangs then reach into the web without it being captured. Once the spider comes close, the Pelican Spider’s “beak” stabs the prey and injects venom through the fangs from its tip. After a struggle, the prey is dragged out of the web and eaten. That’s just diabolical, man. Anywho, Pelican Spider.

Technology & Science: An unusual visitor has been hanging out in the St. Lawrence River for the past three years: A Narwhal, more than 700-miles south of its usual range.  But the lone narwhal is not alone — it appears he has been adopted by a band of Belugas. Narwhals live in the icy waters of the Arctic, including those surrounding parts of Canada, Norway, Greenland and Russia. They typically don’t range any farther south than northern Quebec’s Ungava Bay, located south of the southern tip of Baffin Island. In the drone footage captured by GREMM researchers and posted on their website Whales Online, a pod of nine or 10 Belugas swim closely together near the surface, rolling and rubbing against each other. “They are in constant contact with each other,” Michaud said. “It’s a like a big social ball of young juveniles that are playing games.” Nobody is sure how the little Narwhal ended up so far south, but he’s been accepted by the group and has even picked up their habits.

Well, well, well. In a world divided by race, politics and religion, along come the animals to show us how it’s done. Different colored little dude comes rolling in one day, appearing a little weird with a 3-foot tusk jutting out of his head, but do you think these baby Belugas give a tuna’s ass? Hells to the nah. They accepted the little lost bro like he’s one of their own and now he’s swimming merrily along with his gang, just rolling and rubbing against each other like best bud Belugas do. Animals, man. Just telling Trump to suck it like you read about.

PS- Honestly, do you think the Belugas are talking behind the Narwhal’s back? “Hey Ned, what’s the deal with that horn sticking out of Barry’s head? Dude looks like Janet had sex with a swordfish or something.”

PPS- There are whales in the St. Lawrence River? What the hell?


Ryan Fitzpatrick is a backup quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He’s played previously for the St. Louis Rams, Cincinnati Bengals, Buffalo Bills, Tennessee Titans, Houston Texans, and New York Jets. He played college football at national powerhouse Harvard. He’s started the first 2-games for the Bucs in place of #1 draft pick Jameis Winston, who is currently serving a 3-game suspension. Fitzy has responded by throwing 8-touchdown passes, just 1-interception, and has completed 78.7% of his passes in two victories. He is also handling his notoriety with both style and aplomb. Ryan Fitzpatrick is a National Treasure.

PS- I would trade Jameis Winston today.

PPS- If you didn’t know, that’s a Conor McGregor look. Der.

Nobody writes titles like me. You’re welcome.

Take a look at that Ogre-Faced Spider, man. Dude has eyes the size of dimes. While most spiders have eight eyes but poor vision, the Ogre-Faced Spider is named for its bizarre, elongated face and enormous “posterior median eyes.” This little dude has exceptional night vision and clarity of view, enabling prey to be precisely tracked and targeted. Chills, man. Want more? This guy is the answer to a human net fisherman, brothers and sisters. With special hairs on its legs and remarkable dexterity, Ogre-Faced Spiders weave a unique, net-shaped structure instead of a typical web. The net is held between the four front legs and hurled upon passing insects that are either flying or walking. W-h-u-u-u-u-u-t? The flying prey are captured in a backward flinging motion, while a walking insect is caught when the net is pushed down onto the unfortunate creature. Diabolical. Watch that video below to see the Ogre-Faced Spider throw that net like the badass he is. Anywho, Ogre-Faced Spider.

What follows are the first few words of The Crisis, Thomas Paine’s first article in a series of articles called The American Crisis. These words helped galvanize our country in its battle for independence from Britain at a time when our situation was looking extremely bleak. These words still ring true today, nearly 242-years later . . .

December 23, 1776

These are the times that try men’s souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly . . .

Amazing, powerful words indeed. A couple days later, on the evening of December 25th and morning of the 26th, George Washington turned around after having been pursued by the British Army for weeks. He crossed the Delaware, attacked the dreaded Hessians, won a stunning victory, and ignited a fire of hope within the American cause. The rest, as they say, is history.

Animals, man.

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Looks like Cerberus as a puppy, guarding the gates of hell.

PS- In Greek mythology Cerberus (often called the “hound of Hades”) is a multi-headed dog that guards the gates of the Underworld to prevent the dead from leaving. Good times.

PPS- When you have to explain a joke it really does ruin it.

“Back off boieee!”

A drunk man has been beaten up by a pack of 10-inch Squirrel Monkeys after breaking into a zoo trying to catch one.

John Owen Casford snuck through the gates at Wellington Zoo to snatch one of the monkeys, only to be discovered with a broken leg and other injuries the following morning, the New Zealand Herald reported. 

Wellington District Court judge Bill Hastings said: “His intention was to capture a monkey and bring it home to his girlfriend. His attempt was not successful.”

The altercation left the “high as a kite” young man with a broken leg, two broken teeth, a sprained ankle, and multiple bruises.

Listen, man. You can pick on rhinos, you can pick on lions, you can pick on silverback gorillas. But you know who you can’t pick on? Squirrel Monkeys, that’s who. Just ask John Owen Casford. Bro messed with a pack of 10-inch Squirrel Monkeys and ended up with a broken leg, two broken teeth, a sprained ankle, and multiple bruises. Squirrel Monkeys give less than a damn, man. Back the hell off.

PS- How romantic a move is it to try and steal your girl a Squirrel Monkey? I’m thinking it’s a very romantic move. Had John Owen Casford pulled this off he’d been set for life, man. Sad really.

The one and only Freddie Mercury of Queen. He would have been 72 today. Legend has it that when Queen was trying out vocalists they told him they were planning to be the biggest band in England. His response?

“England? We’re going to be the biggest fucking band in the world.”

And he was right. Youngbloods, watch this video.

As a kid I could name every professional baseball player in the Major Leagues. Today, not so much. The damn games are too long and the players are wussies. Last year Indians pitcher Corey Kluber led the majors in complete games with 5. In 1968 Cardinal pitcher Bob Gibson had 28 and his arm didn’t fall off. Note to self: Write “Why I Don’t Watch Baseball Anymore” blog. Anyway, an exception is my man Adrian Beltre. Dude is eccentric like you read about. Below are two videos. In the first you’ll see that he absolutely hates to have his head touched. Because of this his teammates are always touching his damn head. In the second video you’ll see that he’s just a lighthearted goofball, enjoying the game like you’re supposed to. Love Adrian Beltre, man.