Archive for January, 2018

Sweet Jesus look at that Tree Stump Spider, man. Dude is definitely the spawn of Satan or something. Just horrific like you read about. And not to terrify you more or anything, but this bad boy can jump remarkable distances. Chilling. They also “move in a jerky gait” which somehow makes them even more scary. Anywho, Tree Stump Spider.

The skeleton isn’t inside you, you’re the brain so you’re inside the skeleton.

Nothing to see here, just a Giant Trevally fish eating a freaking bird like some sort of demon sea monster from the depths of hell. I mean, watch that video. Good God. It usually eats other fish but occasionally goes for other goodies like a seagull or other flying prey. Anywho, Giant Trevally.

A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows who you are.

Remember these when you get upset about stubbing your toe today.

Yep. That’s snow.

A porcupine fell from a tree onto this dude’s head. Bad day indeed.

Note to self. Roll up car window when snowstorm is expected.

Croc needed to make a call.

Retreat. RETREAT!

Dumb. That is all.

Actual photo taken just before Ann Coulter was dropped on her head.

Uh-oh. Now what do we do?

Check out that Ravine Trapdoor Spider, man. Dude has a butt the Kardashians would envy. Here’s what makes this guy different from other trapdoor spiders – rather than make a trapdoor out of dirt and whatnot, the Ravine Trapdoor Spider uses its butt like a manhole cover, sealing off its burrow from potential predators. That’s diabolical, man. Anywho, Ravine Trapdoor Spider.

PS- Unlike some I don’t hate spiders. You know they keep mosquitos from obliterating mankind, right?

[click to see the entire photo]

Kewl.

Looks like a really cool apartment.

Lady thought it was cute until, you know, it tried to murder her.

Gif reminded me of Jif and now I’m craving a peanut better sandwich. Damn it.

[click on the pic to scroll through the hilarity]

What you see here my friends, is the Lungfish. There’s nothing really extraordinary about the Lungfish other than it can stay alive in the dirt for 5-freaking years. Yes, I said it. The Lungfish knows the river is gonna go dry, so it digs down in the mud and buries itself in a cocoon of sorts. Then this little bro comes digging out when the rains return like a damn miracle fish. I beseech you, no, I order you, to watch the videos below. Then, just be amazed. Anywho, Lungfish.

Careful, kids. Think it through. V-e-r-y interesting.

SPRING HILL, Fla. — 38-year old Douglas Jon Francisco of Tampa was arrested on Wednesday afternoon for DUI after he reportedly mistook a bank drive-thru for Taco Bell. According to the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office, the manager of Bank of America on Mariner Boulevard called to report an impaired driver after he found an unconscious man behind the wheel of a blue sedan in the bank’s drive-thru lane.

The manager told deputies that after beating on the car window for “some time,” he was able to wake up the driver. Upon waking up, the driver asked the bank manager for a burrito before driving away after being informed he was not at Taco Bell.

Listen, how can you be mad at Douglas Jon Francisco here? I mean really? Dude had a couple barley pops and confused his drive-thrus. Big deal. That could happen to anybody. Hell, I’ve known people to do it when they’re stone cold sober, man. Give this guy a break. Quick thought – what if it had been the other way around and he’d tried to withdraw money from a Taco Bell? Poor guy would’ve had robbery added to the DUI.

PS- True story. I was with one of my crazy-ass friends years ago and he got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up to the car, got out his little pen and pad, and my buddy said this without blinking an eye: “Hey, what’s up? Let’s see, I think I’ll have a cheeseburger with the works and a side of fries, and give me a large Coke too. Shoe, what do you want?” The cop never said a word, just went on with his usual routine as I sat cowering on the passenger side, waiting to be tased. On a related note, that friend is now a doctor.

PPS- Gotta give mad props to Douglas Jon Francisco for that mugshot. Hair is on point.

 

God I hope this is real.

I suppose if you’re not an NFL fan this will hold no interest for you, but New England’s Defensive Coordinator (and future Detroit Lion’s Head Coach) Matt Patricia is sort of known for his bushy beard and burly appearance. Hence, a pic of him beardless and babyfaced is sort of jarring. Check it:

What can I tell ya? It’s a slow day At Shoe: Untied World Headquarters.

The United States comprises several different regions, each with its own rich history and cultural identity. Exactly where those regions start and end has been a long-running debate, but according to author Colin Woodard, the United States can be divided into these 11 distinct sub-nations. His book is called American Nations: A History of the Eleven Rival Regional Cultures of North America, and it’s pretty fascinating reading.

Here are some things the non-sports fan should know: New England plays Jacksonville this weekend in the AFC Championship game. It’s the Patriots vs the Jaguars. In addition, the Patriots have been accused of cheating several times. Also, New Englanders have accents. All of that makes this sign excellent on many levels. Enjoy.

Looks photoshopped but it’s not.

Writing for a website is weird. Sometimes you write something that you think is really good only to find out that people have zero interest in it. Other times you sort of throw something out there that you think isn’t worth much and people love it. The story I wrote called Regarding Beach Midgets is one of those blogs.

You know how the Pink Floyd album Dark Side of the Moon stayed on the charts for 741 weeks from 1973 to 1988? That’s sort of like what Regarding Beach Midgets is to Shoe: Untied and I know not why. Just take a look over there to the left of this page under the “Trending” heading. That shows what story on Shoe: Untied is getting the most attention or views at any particular time. More often than that, Regarding Beach Midgets will be on that list, and I first wrote it in the summer of 2014.

Again, it’s weird to me because it’s just a short little anecdote about something that happened on the beach at Oak Island many, many years ago. I wrote it while I was sitting in a cottage there and it took about 20-minutes to type it up and publish it. Still, for whatever reason, it struck a nerve. Strange.

Anyway, for those of you who haven’t read it, here ’tis –  my own little Dark Side of the Moon:

Regarding Beach Midgets

 

 

 

The Oregonian: A fisherman who jumped ship into bone-chilling water to dodge a speeding motorboat has filed a $372,500 lawsuit, alleging the other driver was distracted by his cellphone just before the dramatic crash caught on video. Bryan Maess filed the suit earlier this month against Marlin Lee Larsen, 75, over the Aug. 12 crash near the mouth of the Columbia River and the Pacific Ocean. Larsen told investigators he couldn’t see where he was driving since he was sitting down. Larsen, who uses a motorized scooter on land, admitted that he probably should’ve been standing at the time, according to a sheriff’s report obtained by the Oregonian.

Listen, I’m not a boat skipper or anything but I’d think “watching where you are going” would be right below “not letting the boat sink” in the list of boating rules. Seriously though, that was a close one, amirite? Dudes hopped off in the nick of time. One of the guys said everyone was OK, “just a little shaken up.” Gee, ya think? Bottom line, I’m pretty sure Marlin Lee Larsen is going to have to shell out some coin for this little mishap.

PS- I’m no lawyer, but does it really matter if he was on his cell phone or not? He ran over a boat, destroyed it, and nearly murdered 3-people. End of case.

Efficient.

Listen, everyone knows I’m not a Trump guy. I think he’s an ignorant racist who’s running our country into the ground. That said, I gotta be honest. I respect this move. It’s so Trump it hurts. Dude doesn’t like the question from a reporter who was clearly trolling him so he just points to the door and says “Out.” That’s about as boss a move as you can pull. On a related note, what is the over/under on how many times Trump says to Pence every day? 5? Actually that may be low.

Note: Try and find another website that uses the word baddassiest. You can’t. 

Note 2: The Donald is looking unusually slim in this video. Maybe he really does weigh 285 239.

So former NBA player Kenyon Martin went to Twitter to make fun of Jeremy Lin’s dreadlocks, accusing him of cultural appropriation and “wanting to be black.” Lin’s response was kind, respectful, and intelligent. Check it out:

Take a look at that Bullet Ant, man. The Bullet Ant is badass. Why? Because the world’s most painful insect sting belongs to the Bullet Ant, that’s why. It is also the world’s largest ant, and that bite just happens to be venomous. Yowza. A worker ant can be over 1-inch long and looks like a wingless wasp. These little dudes have reddish-brown hair and are much hairier than other related ants. Bullet ants are most likely to be found in Central and South America. Finally, why is it called a Bullet Ant, you ask? From the shot of intense pain that it delivers, that’s why. Feels like a damn bullet. It’s sting can also produce agonizing effects in the recipient for up to 24-hours. According to the Schmidt Sting Pain Index (I included a chart below because that’s what high quality blogs do) the Bullet Ant is rated at a Level 4, the highest level of freakin’ pain. Sweet Mother. Anywho, Bullet Ant.

Not surprised.