Lines and How I’ve Avoided Them: A Retrospective

Good times.

This is sort of hard to explain but I’ve always had this weird ability to get into restricted places without people stopping me. My friends can tell several stories of me just strolling by security at concerts and sporting events and whatnot. I’ve no idea how it works, other than I just act like I belong there and people buy it. I like to think I have an air of authority, others say I just have a look about me that makes people think twice about questioning me. Maybe it’s just that I don’t really care if I’m caught. Perhaps I’m just lucky. Wait. Maybe it’s just that I lack the morals of normal folk.

Bottom line? I have no idea. Still, there’s no denying I’ve gotten away with this sort of thing many times over the years. Yep, just strolled on in like a boss. It happened again Friday night at Horrorhound in Cincinnati, a story I’ll get to shortly. The friend I was with said something I’d never really thought about. He said, “Most people think “WWJD?“. You think, “What’s the worst that could happen?”

I guess I can’t argue with that assessment.

On the other hand, I’ve had ridiculously bad luck getting through customs at airports and other points of entry. Makes no sense. Again, more on that later.

That said, I shall now give you some examples of said behavior. I have several but I’ll pick out just a few:

Every year I go to the National Record Show in Columbus. They have rare albums and other music memorabilia. The show used to be held at Vet’s Memorial and opened to the public at 10:00 A.M. However, they open up to the vendors at 9:00 A.M. They have security at all the doors so there is no way to sneak in. So, the best course of action is to just walk right in, which I do. I just open the door, say hello to security, and stroll on in like I run the place.

Nobody’s ever said a word. Hell, after all these years they probably think I do run the place. The best part is I get to look at the merchandise before the masses huddling outside get a chance to. Woot!

Yeah, not for me.

A year or so ago I went to see American Hi-Fi at the A&R in Columbus. The show was at 7:00, but as I am want to do I went up around 4:00 to scout out the terrain. I could hear the band doing a soundcheck inside, and there was a line of probably 150 people sitting outside the door and down the sidewalk, but I thought what the hell, I’ll take a shot at this. I walked past all the people, up to the door, and as luck would have it the door was open. I walked in, nodded at a few security guys in A&R polos, and sauntered on to the front of the stage and watched the guys warm up. After a bit I walked to the back of the venue and was leaning against the wall when I was approached by a very large dude.

Uh-oh.

I was expecting the worst, but the guy said, “Hey, have you seen Greg?” I looked around as if I knew who the hell Greg was, then told him, “No, not recently.” He then thanked me and gave me a knuckle-bump before departing.

Then, incredibly a short while later I swear this happened:

The band stopped and the lead singer looked straight at me and asked, “Whaddaya think? Is that enough bass?” The world stopped for a second as the entire band and everyone in the venue looked at me. I nodded knowingly and gave the thumbs-up sign as the bass player shot me a return thumbs-up before kicking into another tune. At that point I had cred with the entire place so I could basically do whatever I wanted. What can I say? Maybe it is luck.

At St. John Arena in Columbus they have up and down ramps that lead to or away from the court. I used to get down to the court all the time by walking backwards down the ramps that led off the court. I’d just walk back a few steps, stop for a minute while pretending to look at my phone or something, keep doing it until I got to the bottom, then turn around and I was in. Weird but it worked all the time.

A buddy of mine and I went to Horrorhound in Cincinnati last night. Horrorhound is a convention where you can find anything and everything related to horror on television and movies. Several members of the cast of The Walking Dead were there, the guy who played Eddie Munster, John Carpenter (who directed Halloween), Tony Todd (from Candyman and Night of the Living Dead), but I’m sure you get the picture.

So we arrive at the Sharonville Convention Center, and I swear there was 500 people in line, at least. We spoke with some people and heard horror stories (get it, horror stories?) of people who’d been in line for well over an hour. We walked to the end of the line and it was not moving. At all. Later we heard stories on the news regarding all the problems they had getting people into the place. Seems The Walking Dead cast was the big draw and the organizers were somehow caught by surprise although I can’t imagine how or why.

Long story short, we weren’t going anywhere, at least very fast. And have I mentioned I hate standing in lines? Hate. It. As we’re standing there I say to my friend, “You know, I have a pretty good record of walking right into places like this. I think I’m going to give it a try.” He gives me a “Wait. What?” look but I’m off. Five-minutes later he gets my text:

“I’m in.”

I’d walked around the back side of the convention center and had seen a door that was ajar. After a quick look inside I went on around to a couple other doors but assessed my first option was the best. I had a line ready if I was confronted, something like, “Yeah, have you seen Greg? He was supposed to meet me at the door back there but he’s not around.” You know, then just wing it from there. As luck would have it, a girl was there but I just said hi and kept on walking. Gotta show confidence, people. Then I had the choice of going up or down. I chose down because the basement seemed the best place to avoid, you know, people. I walked past an open door to an office with a plaque that read “Maintenance Supervisor”, and sure enough there was a guy in there at his desk.

I just waved, he waved back and I and kept movin’. That’s always best. Keep movin’.

He never said a word.

Note: I’ve found that guys who work behind the scenes at events are often named Greg. Write that down.

Yeah, this guy.

Next thing I know I hear crowd noises so I follow them through an unlocked door. At that point I’m standing right next to Michael Madsen, some actor you’d probably recognize from the Kill Bill movies, Reservoir Dogs and some other stuff. By the way, Michael Madsen? Not looking so good. Yeesh. Plus, his shirt was about 2-sizes too small, but who am I to judge? He didn’t even notice me and I walked on by, smack dab into the madness that was Horrorhound.

I’d texted my friend earlier and he’d followed my lead but had gone up the stairs and had run into nobody. We met and had a few laughs about our daring adventure, but soon realized we couldn’t get into any of the cool stuff without a wristband.  Damn it. What to do?  We’d noticed there were different colored bands, but we had no idea what that meant. I then saw a guy with a Horrorhound T-shirt on that was checking people into one of the large rooms where the actors were signing autographs and posing for pictures, all for a small fee of $25 or so of course. Anyway, I asked the guy what the different colored bands meant and he immediately looked at my wrists to see which color I had, of which I obviously had none. At that point he gestured for his supervisor to come over. Yikes. This could signal the end of our stealth mission into Horrorhound. Talking fast, I repeated my question to the lady, at which point she asked me this:

“Why, did you lose yours?” 

Why, as a matter of fact I did.

She proceeded to pull a wristband out of a bag and handed it to me. Pushing my luck, I asked if my friend could have one too. Friendly lady that she was, she complied with a smile. She also added that our bands were good for the entire weekend. We were good to go, or as a friend once told me, “You’re good to go alright. Good to go to hell.”

Did I mention that tickets were $25 apiece?

Easy big fella.

On the other side of the spectrum, I have never, ever, gone through customs without getting stopped and searched. You know how travelers have been treated since 9/11? That’s how I’ve always been treated. Again, no clue why. I can be in a line of 100-people and the customs guy takes a look at me, talks into one of those shoulder mics, then walk over to quietly ask me “Can you come with me, sir?” I swear I must fit some visual profile or something. The only time this got a little touchy was when I was traveling with my first wife. She was diabetic and I was carrying a small cooler with little vials and syringes and stuff. Yeah, I had some ‘splainin’ to do on that one but we got through it. I also survived an encounter with a bitter customs official in the Caribbean. It was turning ugly, but I  was eventually saved by a call from a government official I knew. However, that’s a blog for another day.

So, I have zero clue how to end this, other than to say I feel ready to set my goals a little higher. I think I’ll shoot for sneaking into the Final 4, the Super Bowl or maybe even the White House.

After all, what’s the worst that could happen?

My Buddy The Crow

It all started about a month ago. It was a nice warm day and I was sitting on my back porch reading a book, listening to music and absent-mindedly eating some peanuts. There are a lot of crows where I live, and ever since reading about them and subsequently writing about them I’ve been fascinated. As I sat there I could hear them cawing and making a general ruckus in a tree near me, and at one point I saw one of them land in the yard near me. Remembering how smart they’re supposed to be I began speaking softly to him . . .

“Hey buddy! What’s up?”

He just sort of cocked his head and looked at me, keeping his distance.

“Want a peanut?”

Nothing.

At that point I gently tossed a peanut his way, and he then sort of flew upwards about 5′-7′ feet but lit right back down. I made sure to not make any sudden movements as I just stared at him. He stared back, but after a few seconds he casually walked (crows don’t usually hop, look it up) over and picked up the peanut and flew away.

I almost tossed the rest of the bag of nuts out there for he and his buddies to come back and get for dinner, but instead I decided to wait until he came back. By the way, I think he’s a male because he’s really big, and male crows are generally larger than female crows. I’m a bit of a crow expert if you haven’t noticed. And by the way, I christened him with the name Hank. He just seems like a Hank.

Sure enough, after a few minutes Hank came back, and over the next few days I repeated the process, gradually tossing a single peanut a little closer to me every day. And no, he’s not eating out of my hand yet but something even cooler happened.

He brought me a gift.

Yep. He did. One day he landed, dropped something from his mouth, and picked up the peanut. After he flew away I walked over and it was a little silver gum wrapper. I thought he may have had it in his mouth when he saw me and simply dropped it to pick up the peanut, but it’s happened four times since. Once it was another wrapper, once it was a little silver paper clip, and then it was a scrap of bright yellow paper from what looked like a magazine.

Then, just the other day ( I wasn’t out there at the time) he left something right in front of my chair – a small, shiny white rock. In my mind I believe he sought it out especially for me, and I can picture him sorting through various rocks and discarding them until he found exactly what he was looking for.

It’s become a bit of a routine for me now, as I always make sure I go out for at least a few minutes and toss him a peanut, and if Hank’s not there I just leave it where I always do. When I go back out it’s always gone.

One day he took off all of a sudden and I looked over to see a cat approaching. I shooed the cat away and Hank came right back. I think he knew what I’d done. Hank and I are tight, man.

So yeah, I have a friend named Hank who is a crow. My goal is to have him take a peanut from my hand, but I have my doubts that will happen. Hank seems way too cautious and smart for that, but who knows? I’m also curious to see what gifts are in store for me in the future. Perhaps a $20 bill or even a diamond, who knows?

Hey, a guy can dream, right?

PS- I’ll try and get a photo but I don’t want to freak Hank out. We’ve built a trust, man.

PPS– For you doubters out there, I found this on Audubon. org: “Wild crows are not known to create or display art. But they do occasionally leave behind objects like keys, lost earrings, bones, or rocks, for the people who feed them, a behavior that John Marzluff, conservation ecologist at the University of Washington, calls ‘gifting.'” So there.

Not Hank.

Having A Bad Day? Watch The Best Of Jiminy Glick!

Guaranteed to brighten your day.

What Today’s Kids Are Missing: Toys That Can Kill Them

Remember when you were a kid and the more dangerous something was the more fun it became? Isn’t that why we climbed trees or balanced on a fence post or rode our bikes really fast down hills?

Of course it was.

Kids today have zero idea what they’re missing, mainly because everyone is worried they might get hurt. Back in the day we had some amazing, fun toys, and they were fun because they could kill you.

Literally.

I guess our parents realized that getting hurt was a learning experience. Hey, if you’re dumb enough to shoot yourself with that pellet gun it’s your fault. Be more careful next time, dummy.

But back to the toys. Here are a few of my favorite toys from the past that could cause extreme pain or yes, even death if used improperly. Hey kids, be sure and read the directions!

JARTS

Jarts were massive weighted spears. You threw them. They stuck where they landed. If they happened to land in your skull, well, then you should have gotten the hell out of the way. During their brief (and generally awesome) reign in 1980s suburbia, Jarts racked up 6,700 injuries and four deaths. Now there’s a fun toy.

BB GUNS

When I was a kid, everybody had a BB Gun. You shot at birds, rabbits, the neighbor’s cat, and each other. I swear I didn’t know a kid who wasn’t shot with a BB Gun at some point. Good times.

ATOMIC ENERGY LAB

Also known as little Bobby’s first Meth Lab! Good God. This toy had enough chemicals to kill a horse or build a small bomb.

SIXFINGER GUN

Did I have one of these? You bet I did. As you can see, it looked like a finger and shot out little missiles that looked as if they were specifically designed to pierce a cornea or an eardrum. Cool!

AGENT ZERO M SONIC BLASTER

This thing put the boom in baby boomer. It shot a massive blast of air and made a sound like an airplane breaking the sound barrier. It may very well have led to deafness in thousands of kids like me. Hey Ernie, let’s try and shoot down a 747!

CLACKERS

Clackers were essentially two acrylic balls on each end of a string, with a loop in the center. You began slowly clacking the balls together until you got to really fast speeds. Like many toys from the 70s, these were deemed dangerous and taken off the market. According to my research, they were banned because they were being used by gangs as weapons. Maybe I have a sick sense of humor but I find that hilarious. “Bro, that dude’s goin’ down. Go get my Clackers.” As for me, I usually whipped them in a circle over my head and threw them at my sisters.

SLIP N’ SLIDE

Basically a water slicked length of vinyl. You were supposed to lay down, but that was no fun. Of course we stood up. Can you say spinal cord injury? And I bet myself and all my friends had at least one concussion because of these things. But hey, we knew how to take a fall back then.

CREEPY CRAWLERS/FRIGHT FACTORY

Because nothing says safety like an open hot plate. I burnt the living hell out of my fingers with this thing. Creepy Crawlers were awesome. You had these little metal molds that you’d plug in and they’d heat up to like 1000 degrees. You’d then pour this disgusting, smelly stuff called Gobbledy Goop into it. This would turn the goop into spiders, snakes, bugs, snails, whatever the mold’s shape resembled. They even had glow in the dark goop. Bottom-line, I must have burned my fingers a 1000 times on those molds. Not only that, if you accidentally left them on they’d start smoking, which I did on purpose just to watch. And I can’t tell you how many times I scared my sisters with the fake bugs.

PERFORATED ROLL CAPS

Anyone over the age of 50 is smiling right now. The caps were made for toy guns but we’d just lay them out on the sidewalk and hit ’em with a rock. Or even better, a hammer.

SPARK GUN

Yes, it actually shot real sparks. As in tiny, hot flames. When I was a kid, if we got bored somebody would invariably yell this: “Let’s burn stuff!” And that is why the Spark Gun was such a hit. What could possibly go wrong? This thing was a future arsonist’s dream, man.

GLASS BLOWING KIT

Yes folks, this existed. Kids were allowed to heat glass to the point of melting, then put their mouth on a tube and go to town. Good stuff!

JOHNNY REBEL CANNON

These things were awesome. You know, if you ignored the fact it sort of glorified the treasonist Confederate Army. They could reach distances of up to 35-feet and seemed perfectly sized to lodge into an eye socket, down an open mouth, or through the toy slave’s quarters. Oddly enough these were a big hit in Mississippi. Hey, there’s nothing more satisfying than pretending you’re shooting those equal rights-loving pansies from up north.

Not only did we enjoy these dangerous toys, if mom and dad wouldn’t buy them for us we made our own. Hell, I made many a slingshot in my day from tree branches and a rubber band. Grab a handful of ball bearings and you were ready to drop somebody like a bag of lug nuts. And hey, if we didn’t have time to fashion a slingshot we’d just throw rocks at each other.

Hey, it beat sitting in front of a computer all day, am I right?

Even the kid knew something was amiss.

Mom’s got this.

I actually did this.

Hey, babies need fresh air too!

Helmets schmelmets. That hoodie will soften the blow.

Smoke ’em if you got ’em!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Swimming 101, circa 1947.

Looks safe enough.

You know that sparkler is going straight into the kid’s mouth.

Unfortunately little Ernie was concussed when Mryna and Eddie went opposite ways around a light pole.

Back in the day we started ’em off early!

Taylor Hawkins: 1972-2022

I am stunned by the news that Taylor Hawkins has passed away. He had such a vibrant, infectious energy about him. I had one brief encounter with him but it was an amazing one.

Taylor Hawkins

It was at CalJam ’18 and I was backstage thanks to a buddy of mine whose daughter happens to be on the Foo Fighters management team. I was causally going through the food line, opening those stainless steel chafing containers as I went. As I opened one I said out loud to myself, “Huh. I wonder what that is?” Next thing I knew a voice from behind me said, “That’s Couscous Mac and Cheese man! You have to try it!” I turned around, and there stood none other than Foo Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins, who proceeded to grab a spatula and fill my plate with a generous portion of Couscous Mac and Cheese. Then he slapped me on the back and sauntered away.

Thank you Taylor Hawkins. And by the way, you were right. The Couscous Mac and Cheese was indeed spectacular.

Rest in peace Taylor. Gone way too soon.

PS- Good article here about Taylor.

The Mysterious Runaway Tire of Death Is Indeed Mysteriously Deadly

Whaddafugg?

Do You Know A Psychopath?

Sure, we use the word all the time:

My all-time favorite psycho, Patrick Bateman in American Psycho.

“Did you see Hank go nuts at the game last night? Dude’s a psycho, man.”

Or maybe . . .

“That chick won’t quit texting me. What a psycho.”

You get the picture. Still, there’s actually a difference between a psychopath and your regular everyday jerk like your Uncle Ernie.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders has various characteristics of sociopaths, but one of the most crucial things you see is the “superego lacuna,” which is a term for a gap in the superego. This basically means that sociopathic people have no conscience. The moral codes that guide the rest of us don’t apply to them.

To put it simply, psychopaths legitimately give zero damns. But not just about stuff like stealing that awesome parking spot that you clearly saw first. Cheating? Stealing? Murder? A legit psychopath is capable of committing any of these things and legit move right on with their life without blinking an eye.

Psychopaths wreck their own lives as well. They take drugs, contract diseases, and just generally do not take care of their lives. They’re also usually burned out by 60 or in jail. There’s just a general disregard for their own health as well as that of other people.

But not all psychopaths are killers. Some are just con men of the highest order. They’ve learned how to mimic proper behavior even though they’re basically pretending. They feel no guilt. You know the type, they say the right things but you just know there’s nothing behind those soulless, dead eyes. Am I thinking of a former colleague of mine? I am.

And you’re picturing someone you know in your head right now too, aren’t you? Hell yes you are.

Note: It’s also important to know that psychopaths or sociopaths are very different from being psychotic. Psychotic means you’ve lost touch with reality. You’re hearing voices, you have bizarre beliefs, delusions and paranoia. You’re thoughts are disjointed and unorganized. On the other hand, psychopaths know exactly what they’re doing, they just feel no guilt. Like I said, zero damns, man.

Some cat named Dr. Robert Hare, who is Emeritus Professor of Psychology at the University of British Columbia, put together a checklist to see if someone is a psychopath. You rank the person 1-3 on each trait, with 3 being the highest. There are 20 traits, so a score of 60 means that particular person may be ready to go on a killing spree or something. Hey, I’m here for ya. Here’s Dr. Hare’s list:

• Glib and superficial charm: The tendency to be smooth, engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about taking turns in talking, for example.
• Grandiose self-worth: A grossly inflated view of one’s abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart. Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.
• Need for stimulation or proneness to boredom: An excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have low self-discipline in carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks that they consider dull or routine.
• Pathological lying: Can be moderate or high; in moderate form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form, they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and dishonest.
• Conning and manipulativeness: The use of deceit and deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished from Item four in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of one’s victims.
• Lack of remorse or guilt: A lack of feelings or concern for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned, dispassionate, cold-hearted, and non-empathic. This item is usually demonstrated by a disdain for one’s victims.
• Shallow affect: Emotional poverty or a limited range or depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open gregariousness.
• Callousness and lack of empathy: A lack of feelings toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.
• Parasitic lifestyle: An intentional, manipulative, selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete responsibilities.
• Poor behavioral controls: Expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temper; acting hastily
• Early behavior problems: A variety of behaviors prior to age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity, fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.

H-e-e-e-e-r-e’-s JOHNNY!!!

• Lack of realistic, long-term goals: An inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.
• Promiscuous sexual behavior: A variety of brief, superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.
• Impulsivity: The occurrence of behaviors that are unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation, frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.
• Irresponsibility: Repeated failure to fulfill or honor obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans, performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor contractual agreements.
• Failure to accept responsibility for own actions: A failure to accept responsibility for one’s actions reflected in low conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.
• Many short-term marital relationships: A lack of commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable, and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.
• Juvenile delinquency: Behavior problems between the ages of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless tough-mindedness.
• Revocation of conditional release: A revocation of probation or other conditional releases due to technical violations, such as carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.
• Criminal versatility: A diversity of types of criminal offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them; taking great pride at getting away with crimes.

So there ya go. Rate each trait, add ’em up, and the higher the score the more likely you have a real, bona fide psychopath on your hands. On a related note, I graded myself and you do not want to know how it turned out. Just kidding.

Or am I?

PS- Like I said, American Psycho is one of my very favorite movies all-time. It just covers all the bases for me. The dark humor is killer. See what I just did there?

 

The Many Worlds Theory is Wildly Fascinating

I’ve been interested in this stuff for years but have only recently started to actually read seriously about it. I’m sure you’re all somewhat familiar with it, because it’s been a popular subject in comics, TV shows and movies. We’ve all seen or read about people who stumbled upon a “portal” that they walk through and enter another space and time, right? Or “Chronicles of Narnia” anyone? My personal favorite is the book by H.G. Wells called “Men Like Gods”, complete with a multiverse theory and a paratime machine. Cool, especially for 1923. Anyway, the examples are endless.

But first, let’s get to an official definition of the Many Worlds Theory:

The many-worlds interpretation is an interpretation of quantum mechanics that asserts the objective reality of the universal wavefunction and denies the actuality of wavefunction collapse. Many-worlds implies that all possible alternate histories and futures are real, each representing an actual “world” or “universe”. 

Basically, this is saying that there is a very large, perhaps even infinite, number of universes, not just ours, and we could be in those other universes as well. It also says that everything that could possibly have happened in our past, but did not, has occurred in the past of some other universe or universes we lived in.

Man, that’s just crazy to think about. Parallel universes.

Think about it. Before this theory, reality had always been viewed as a single unfolding history. The Many Worlds Theory, however, views reality as a many-branched tree, where every possible outcome is realized.

For example, say an object’s wave function is both a particle and a wave. When a physicist measures the particle, there are two possible outcomes: It will either be measured as a particle or a wave. When a physicist measures the object, the universe splits into two distinct universes to accommodate each of the possible outcomes.

OK, I’m getting a headache. Forget all the wave and particle stuff, just understand that for everything that happens there are different outcomes, shooting out in different directions, to several universes. Or you could put it this way – we live in an infinite web of alternate timelines, but we can only see the one we exist in. Or maybe we can, but I’ll get to that shortly. So actually, if this is true, we live in a multiverse — where timelines are constantly branching off and creating distinct and coherent worlds, each experienced by a different version of you.

Stick with me while I give you one simple example. Let’s say that yesterday you left your house to go to work. A dog cuts in front of you but you swerve, miss him, and continue on your way. In another universe though, you hit him and kill him but go on your way. However, the dog’s owner is devastated, his life is changed forever and so on. In yet another timeline you miss the dog but hit an oncoming car head on and die. Not sure why I’m giving such morbid examples because they don’t have to be. Wait, I can’t stop there. In another universe you pull over, save the dog because it was a stray and he lives with you happily ever after. Whew. That’s better.

Now, imagine every example I just gave, every single act branching out in different directions like that. There could be countless versions of you out there. If the theory is true, then there must be an infinite number of versions of you out there, each of them experiencing the world as individuals separate from and oblivious to each other.  One may have died at birth, one may be living as a billionaire in New York. Maybe you turned into a mass murderer in another universe. Don’t laugh, remember that kid you hated in high school and wanted to murder? In one world, maybe you did. The possibilities are literally endless, because if this is true you have literally done and/or will do everything you could ever have conceive of doing. Mind boggled.

And think about what other kinds of worlds might exist in another universe. Maybe somebody invented time travel or cured cancer years ago. Maybe a war destroyed the planet and it had to start over. Again, endless possibilities.

Let me throw this out there. What about ghosts? Do we sometimes somehow get a glimpse of an alternate universe? Hey, the chair you’re sitting in right now could be in the middle of an insane asylum or a witches coven, literally anything. That noise you heard last night a couple rooms away? Don’t ask. Anyway, next time you think you saw something out of the corner of your eye only to turn and look but it was gone, don’t be alarmed.

Perhaps you did.

But oh, there’s more that has crossed my twisted mind. We’ve all had feelings of deja vu, right? That sense that we’ve done something or been somewhere before, even though we know we haven’t? Maybe we have, it was just one of those many other versions of you. Maybe we sometimes have a sort of connection, or resonance, with the other universes that causes this phenomenon.

Look, I can’t begin to explain the scientific basis for the theory. I’ve read about it and sort of get it, but eventually all the wave function collapse and quantum gravity talk hurts my brain. All I know for sure is that it fascinates the bejesus out of me.

Oh, and one more thing. Do you know who devised the original Many Worlds Theory and Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics? A man named Hugh Everett III, who died in 1982. Like many ahead of his time, he passed before his theory began to be taken seriously. But here’s my favorite part – Hugh Everett III was the father of Mark Oliver Everett, leader of one of my favorite bands, The Eels. True story.

Now that’s mind-boggling.

Father & Son

The Fab 30: My Favorite Beatle Songs

I started this blog with the intention of listing my Top 10 Favorite Beatle Songs. Well, those of you who know me realize that wasn’t a remote possibility. Hell, it was really hard narrowing the list down to thirty. That said, I did it. My Top 30 may include some songs the casual music fan might not be familiar with, so I’d suggesting blindly downloading them purely on the basis of my reommendation.

So turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream . . .

1. Abbey Road Medley (1969)

I know, I know, a medley is more than one song. In fact, this one is 8-songs long. Still, as I’ve mentioned before I consider this the greatest 16-minutes and 30-seconds in the history of music. It has everything, from Lennon’s “Mean Mr. Mustard” and “Polythene Pam” to McCartney’s “She Came in Through the Bathroom Window” and “Golden Slumbers”. It also includes John, Paul and George taking turns towards the end in a searing 3-man guitar solo. Ringo also has a drum solo, his only one in the band’s history. It was the last album The Beatles recorded (although Let It Be was released later) and it concluded with the legendary “Carry That Weight” followed by “The End” with Paul’s famous lines:

“And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make.”

2. Nowhere Man (1965)

This song has always held a special place in my heart for several reasons, the most important being that it was the first song that ever really made me think. The amazing harmonies, the jangly guitars, it all fits into a tight, almost perfect rock song. Lennon, by the way, almost certainly wrote this song about himself.

“Doesn’t have a point of view, knows not where he’s going to, isn’t he a bit like you and me?”

3. Helter Skelter (1968)

If any of my students ever questioned whether The Beatles ever really rocked, this song would put an end to that question. This blast of power, along with McCartney’s hoarse, screaming vocals, was by far the heaviest song in rock music to date and put bands like The Who on notice: You wanna rock? Here’s how it’s done.

4. Please Please Me (1963)

I was 8-years old when I first heard this song, and to this day I still get a little shiver when I hear it. The soaring vocals and the Lennon/McCartney harmonies just hit home with me. Producer George Martin felt the same way. After The Beatles recorded it he looked at them and famously stated, “Gentlemen, I think you’ve got your first Number One.”

And he was right.

If you want to hear and see a rollicking version by Paul McCartney from 2006, here ya go.

5. Revolution (1968)

When Lennon’s distorted guitar started tearing into the intro of this song, you knew the four innocent Mop Tops from 4-years prior were forever disappearing into the rearview mirror. This was the group’s first overtly political song, and along with “Helter Skelter” stands as one of their hardest rocking songs.

6. Get Back (1969)

John always maintained that every time Paul sang the words, “Get Back” in the studio during recording that he looked directly at Yoko. Maybe, but this song was written by Paul when he thought The Beatles needed to “get back” to the basics of rock and roll and away from all the studio experimentation they’d been involved in. Me? I couldn’t care less, I just love the tune.

7. Hey Jude (1968)

“Hey Jude” was written by Paul for John’s son Julian. John had broken up with Julian’s mom Cynthia and this was Paul telling him that everything was going to be OK.  Obviously he changed “Jules” to “Jude” and the rest is history. “Hey Jude” is the longest song The Beatles ever released, and George Martin didn’t think radio would play it because it was 7:11 long. “They won’t play it,” he said.  John knew better though. “Oh, they’ll play it,” he said. “They will if it’s us.”

In the video below, you’ll see people walking onto the set that had been invited in off the street as the song was being performed. Can you imagine that happening today? And the pure joy on some of those people’s faces is amazing.

8. Blackbird (1968)

Paul wrote this simple, beautiful ballad about African-American women in the American south. The Civil Rights movement was in full swing, so it makes perfect sense. In England, women were commonly referred to as “birds”, so . . .

“Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to  see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.”

9. Happiness is a Warm Gun (1968)

John Lennon was very proud of this song, as well he should have been. It’s an interesting mix of musical styles but I enjoy the taste of doo-wop that he throws in the most. An often overlooked gem from The White Album.

“She’s well acquainted with the touch of a velvet hand like a lizard on a window pane.” 

Only Lennon.

10. I Am the Walrus (1967)

Quite possibly the strangest, most unique song ever recorded. The lyrics, the music, all of it is intertwined into a one of the greatest songs ever, period. Word is that after Lennon first played an acoustic version for everyone (the other Beatles, producer George Martin, the engineers) they sat there stunned for a few seconds like, “What the hell was THAT?” What it was was a giant leap forward in music creativity and Lennon at his finest.

Goo goo j’goob!

11. Let It Be (1969)

Ah, Paul’s gorgeous song about his mother. He was influenced by R & B, and in fact Aretha Franklin did a great cover of it. The version on the original “Let It Be” album, however, was butchered by producer Phil Spector after The Beatles turned over the raw studio mixes to him (at this point they were fighting so much they didn’t want to face the task themselves). The original was simpler, and stunningly breathtaking.

12. A Day in the Life (1967)

John Lennon called this song “the Beatles at their peak.” I’ve always loved the middle where Paul does almost a separate song: “Got, up, got outa bed, dragged a comb across my head” as well as the long, drawn out ending. The Beatles employed an orchestra for the song and at one point told them to simply start at a certain low note and end on a certain high note and do what you want in between, all in a set number of seconds. Somehow, it worked. If that made no sense, just listen to it. You’ll recognize it when you hear it.

13. I Want to Hold Your Hand (1963)

This is the song that grabbed a nation by the neck and wouldn’t let go. From the soaring first verse when they sing. “When I, say that something, I wanna hold your H-A-N-D!”, to the guitars, to the intro that kicks it all off, all of it meshes together to form one of the catchiest, smoothest, harmonious songs ever recorded. To this day, I smile every time I hear it. Simply joyous. And for a nation reeling from the assassination of President Kennedy a little over 2-months before, this was a blast of upbeat, optimistic, much-needed fresh air.

14. Rain (1966)

This is a Lennon song that’s about, well, people walking around in the rain. What makes it special, though, is the fact that this was the song that ushered in the Psychedelic Era of Music. This was the song that led to the sound you heard emanating from Jefferson Airplane, Vanilla Fudge, Strawberry Alarm Clock and others. Was this song influenced by LSD? The answer is yes. Oh, and listen to Ringo beating the living hell out of the drums.

15. Strawberry Fields Forever (1967)

When I first saw the video and heard this song as a kid I remember thinking, “What happened to The Beatles?” It was so different, so out there, so surreal, that I didn’t know what to make of it. Remember that this was recorded just a little over 3-years after “She Loves You” and “I Want to Hold Your Hand.” Talk about a transformation. This song illustrates how quickly The Beatles were growing and expanding as a band. One of Lennon’s finest works.

16. Hard Day’s Night (1964)

This song opens with probably the most famous chord in the history of rock and roll. The jangly 12-string guitars influenced bands such as The Byrds, who in turn influenced everyone from Tom Petty to R.E.M. So yeah, important record. The best thing about this song for me, though, is the contrast between the bridge (which McCartney wrote and sings) and the rest of the song. Just beautiful.  The song’s title came from one of Ringo’s off-hand remarks that he was known for. As he was walking out after a long day in the studio, he started to say, “It’s been a hard day” but as he was saying it he noticed that it was dark outside. So, he said, “Man, it’s been a hard day . . .’s night.“

And listen to the ending. Totally unique in rock music up to that point.

17. I Will (1968)

This is a simple love song from the White Album. Nothing fancy or complicated, it’s simply a song that has always appealed to me. I’m a sucker for a pretty melody, and this song has it. Just a good song that I’ve always loved, nothing more and nothing less. On a related note, my best friends Tom and Andy sing this song to me every time we see each other. True story.

Update: My friend Andy recently passed away and I was there in his final few days. And yes, he sang the song to me.

18. Piggies (1968)

From the White Album. This George Harrison tune is about rich people who sit in their ivory towers, oblivious to the world around them. It’s a vicious song, and it has a dark history. You see, someone heard it and took these lyrics quite literally – “In their eyes there’s something lacking, what they need’s a damn good whacking.”  That someone was Charles Manson, and the song is one of the reasons “piggies” was written in blood on the wall of Sharon Tate’s home. Chilling.

19. The Long and Winding Road (1969)

McCartney wrote this gorgeous ballad as The Beatles were spiraling out of control, and the lyrics reflect that. It was originally a a stripped down song with just Paul and few extras. The version that eventually got put on the album had violins and female background singers added by producer Phil Spector. Here though, is the sadly beautiful original.

20. Yesterday (1965)

Paul woke up one morning with the melody in his head. Not even kidding. He was sure it must be an existing song so he spent weeks humming it to people, asking if they’d heard it.  The original title was “Scrambled Eggs” and it went, “Scrambled eggs, oh my baby how I love your legs.” When he was finally convinced he wasn’t stealing the song, he recorded it. The result was the most covered song in Beatles history and one of the greatest ballads ever written.

21. Hey Bulldog (1969)

Just a crazy-ass song from the get-go, with a snarling Lennon vocal and nasty Harrison guitar solo in the middle. Listen at the end for the exchange between Lennon and McCartney that includes howls, barks and laughter.

Paul: “Ruff.”

John: “Whadya say?”

Paul: “I say . . . ruff.”

John: “You got any more?”

Paul: [screaming howl]

Love it.

22. Come Together (1969)

This track stands out in The Beatles catalog because of its bluesy, funky feel, as well as for Lennon’s odd lyrics. And also for the incredible bass line. One of the eerier aspects of the song (considering what happened later) is when Lennon whispers “shoot me” several times during the intro. Totally unique, one-of-a-kind song.

23. I’m Down (1965)

A straight-ahead rocker, McCartney wrote it as an ode to one of his heroes, Little Richard. It really shows what a strong voice Paul really had. It’s basically a slam at a girl who has wronged him, and he sings it with an appropriate fervor.

24. She’s Leaving Home (1967)

Just a beautiful McCartney ballad about a girl who has run away from home. As a kid, when I heard the words, “She’s leaving home after living alone for so many years” it really touched me. And when Lennon sang from the parent’s point of view, “Why would she treat us so thoughtlessly? How could she do this to me?”, well, I got the irony right away. And you need to remember that this song was released in 1967, a period when a lot of teenagers were running away from what they considered to be oppressive upbringings.

25. Ticket to Ride (1965)

This song was really unique for its time and some, including Lennon, considered it to be “one of the earliest heavy metal records.” The historic 12-string guitar riff to start the song is stellar, and if it doesn’t grab your musical soul you have none. When you listen to the song, check out the change of tempo during the fade-out. It’s an entirely different song, and it was the first time this had ever been done. So good.

26. Ask Me Why (1963)

I make no apologies for loving this simple, straightforward love song. It’s one of the first Beatles songs I ever heard, and I fell in love with the beautiful vocals and harmonies. As I said, there are no special lyrics, no experimental sounds, and it wasn’t a hit record. I just love it, never tire of it, and that’s enough for me.

27. I Feel Fine (1964)

This is a great song on many levels, but perhaps the most interesting thing about it is the fact that it’s the first-ever record to use feedback as part of the tune, on purpose. And listen to Ringo as he messes with the cymbals and drums – very unique and creative stuff. Also listen for that feedback that leads into the badass guitar riff. Trailblazers once more.

Note: They hated lip synching, so watch George at the beginning of the video.

28. Glass Onion (1968)

This song is rife with guitars and violins, and it refers to several earlier Beatles songs, including “Strawberry Fields Forever”, “I Am the Walrus”, “Lady Madonna”, “The Fool on the Hill” and “Fixing a Hole”. I’ve always loved the vibe this tune gives out to the ol’ ear holes.

29. Lady Madonna (1968)

There was always a rumor when I was a kid that this song was about a prostitute, but McCartney has steadfastly denied it and insisted it’s a tribute to working women, particularly in England. It’s a great, piano based tune that sort of has an R & B feel to it, and I’ve always loved it. Oh, and the harmonies on the line “see how they run” are stellar.

30. Got to Get You Into My Life (1966)

This is just a great song that was a bit of a departure for The Beatles, mainly because of the huge presence of horns. It was another venture of Paul’s into Motown territory, and it’s spectacular. And you know what all the kids across America didn’t know at the time? Paul wasn’t singing about a girl, he was singing about marijuana. Yep, it’s Paul’s ode to weed. Who knew? In addition, it has withstood the test of time. Here’s Paul singing it in New York in 2009. Stellar stuff.

I love those McCartney videos. The sheer and utter joy on people’s faces is amazing.

So there you go. I know I left out some great songs like “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away”, “Back in the USSR” and “Birthday” but I had to have a cut-off point. I also left out “Twist and Shout” primarily because it was a cover song. Let it be, people.

Finally, I really believe you can tell a lot about a person by their favorite Beatle songs.

So, whaddaya got?

Debunking 15 Old Wives’ Tales

We all heard ’em while growing up. Old Wives’ Tales. Some are so embedded in the fabric of our lives they’re nearly impossible to remove.  Without further ado, let’s take a look at 15 of the most popular ones and I’ll promptly debunk them. I’ll start with an Old Wives’ Tale (OWT), followed by the truth. Sorry in advance old wives, but you are about to be debunked.

OWT

You can catch a cold by going outside in cold weather without a coat or with wet hair.

TRUTH

You catch a cold through exposure to bacteria or viruses, not by actually getting cold. It’s just that viruses survive better in colder temperatures.

OWT

Reading in dim light hurts your eyes.

TRUTH

Reading in a darkly lit room might give your eyes some dryness or fatigue, but it won’t cause any serious or long-term damage. Chillax.

OWT

Humans only use 10% of their brains.

TRUTH

In reality, the entire human brain is constantly active—even when we are sleeping. That said, I had a kid in class we called Cheese Cracker who I’m pretty sure only used about  7% of his brain.

OWT

Humans eat an average of 8 spiders a year while sleeping.

TRUTH

Scientists say it highly unlikely that a spider would ever end up in your mouth. Spiders tend to be found either tending their webs or hunting in nonhuman-infested areas. They usually don’t intentionally crawl into a bed because it offers no prey. Why in the world would they enter your mouth? Spiders ain’t dumb. Everybody settle down.

OWT

You should pee on a jellyfish sting.

TRUTH

Uh, that doesn’t work, but this does – first, remove the tentacles (that’s what’s hurting you so much) with something other than your fingers unless you want get stung again. Next, pour something acidic, like vinegar, lemon juice, or battery acid, on the sting. Finally, use a flat object like a butter knife to scrape off the stinging cells. Do that and you have treated your jellyfish sting, all without having Uncle Roger pee on you.

PS- I was joking about the battery acid. Don’t do that.

OWT

Cracking your knuckles will give you arthritus.

TRUTH

Scientists have never actually found a link between knuckle cracking and arthritis. Still, it’s annoying as hell so stop. Also stop popping your gum. And chewing with your mouth open. I’ll stop now.

OWT

Eating too much turkey makes you sleepy.

TRUTH

While meat does contain an amino acid that helps to create melatonin, a brain chemical known for making people tired, turkey does not actually cause more fatigue than other foods. We’re actually tired because of the large quantities of carbohydrates and alcohol that a lot of us consume on Thanksgiving. What I’m saying is that Uncle Ned is in the recliner sleeping because he’s drunk.

OWT

Sitting too close to the television will harm your eyes.

TRUTH

This one stems from the fact that General Electric produced color TVs back in the 1960s that emitted up to 100,000 times more radiation than federal health officials considered to be safe—and while the  television sets were recalled almost immediately, the Old Wives’ Tale hangs around (even with our new TV technology and whatnot).

PS- I’m not expert but 100,000 times more radiation does seem a tad high.

OWT

You shouldn’t swim for 30-minutes after eating.

TRUTH

This Old Wives’ Tale assumes that after eating the body diverts blood from your limbs to the digestive tract, thus depleting your arms and legs of enough blood to swim. While it is true that digestion requires extra blood, the body does not drain the limbs of enough blood to work properly. Bottom line, you might get a small cramp. Deal with it.

PS- I fondly remember swimming at the Mead Pool. It was amazing. I also fondly remember a girl about my age named Tammy that swam there. I had a remendous crush on her and would immediately look for her upon our arrival. I long for a simpler time.

OWT

Bulls hate the color red.

TRUTH

Yes!

People believe this because the bull charges at that thing the matador waves around, called a muleta. Actually, bulls are color blind. They’re agitated by the motion of the muleta, not its color. On a related note, I hate bullfighting. I always root for a good old fashioned goring. Leave the damn bull alone.

OWT

The 5-second rule.

TRUTH

This Old Wives’ Tale infers that if you drop food on the floor and snatch it up within 5-seconds it wasn’t on the floor/ground long enough to gather germs. Nobody really believes athat anymore, right? We say that jokingly, right? Right?

PS- This Old Wives’ Tale is sometimes known as the 3-second rule. Or in my case the 3-minute rule.

OWT

It takes 7-years to digest a piece of gum.

TRUTH

Negatory. The truth is gum doesn’t digest at all. It travels through your digestive tract and then, you know. On a related note, who swallows their gum?

OWT

To cure a hangover, just have a little “hair of the dog.” In other words have a drink.

TRUTH

Seems sort of obvious but you can’t drink your way out of a hangover, although many have tried. Der. I have seen people do it simply to stay drunk though.

OWT

Eating chocolate will give you acne.

TRUTH

I heard this one a lot whilst growing up. It is true that a high fat or high sugar diet can exacerbate acne and sugary stuff can often cause hormone fluctuations, which can increase acne. However, there is no evidence that eating normal amounts of chocolate directly triggers acne. In reality dark chocolate actually promotes numerous health benefits. Snack away kids!

OWT

Rubbing whiskey on you baby’s gums will ease teething pain.

TRUTH

Actually, experts recommend using natural remedies, such as massaging a warm washcloth on your baby’s gums.

PS- My grandma actually did this and by God I swear it worked. Then again, maybe it just got the baby drunk so it quit crying.

Don’t Panic, But 10,000 Year Old Paintings Have Been Found Of Aliens

OK, this one’s not real but I thought it was cool.

[click on photos to see alien stuff]

USA Today – A number of prehistoric drawings have sparked a local government to seek the help of NASA after the images appeared to depict extraterrestrial life. Discovered in Charama, India, the images appear to show aliens and UFOs, similar to scenes of a sci-fi movie. According to local archaeologist JR Bhagat it is unclear as to what the images reveal. He said: “The findings suggest that humans in prehistoric times may have seen or imagined beings from other planets which still create curiosity among people and researchers. “In a few pictures, they beings even shown wearing space suits.”

The archaeologists have contacted NASA to help solve the mystery.

Well, well. Where are all those weather balloon excuses now? Seriously, I’m listening because I need an answer. Why, you ask? Because cave men were drawing pictures of aliens and spaceships 10,000 FREAKING YEARS AGO. Honestly, man, try and convince me that these drawings were a hoax perpetrated by cavemen:

“Hey Gernk, let’s draw some pictures of made-up outer space people on the wall over here. It’ll drive people in 2022 insane.”

No way man. They were here, are still here, and are living in the bodies of people like Oprah or your Uncle Hank as we speak. Hell, I wrote about this awhile back. Anywho, if this ain’t proof I don’t know what is.

Bonus Blog:

FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO ARE/WERE PROBABLY ALIENS

Seriously, when you read this list you’ll nod your head knowingly and say, “Yep. I see it. Alien.”

1. Elon Musk
2. Mark Zuckerberg
3. Michael Jackson
4. Nicolas Cage
5. Tom Cruise
6. Prince
7. Gary Busey
8. Anderson Cooper
9. David Bowie
10. Ryan Secrest
11. James Franco
12. Kanye West
13. Stephen Colbert

PS –  I just realized I wrote about this before.

My 25 Most Controversial Blogs

Believe it or not, over the past nearly 11-years I’ve managed to upset a few folks from time-to-time with my writing. Shocking, I know. From LeBron fanboys to racist bigots to clowns (yes, clowns), my list of angry readers is vast and varied.

So, just for kicks and giggles I went back and counted the number of what I consider “angry” messages received regarding various blogs, then applied and and ranked the blogs thusly.

Enjoy . . .

Man with carbon fiber legs to compete in the London olympics. Hold on a second . . .

People went ballistic over this one, in which I offered the opinion that this cat had an advantage with those springs below his knees. Later on he ended up killing his girlfriend, which I felt sort of vindicated me in a way. See, I told you he was shady.

How Chicago’s Peter Cetera once ruined a relationship. Mine.

You would not believe the amount of nasty messages I received over this one. Turns out Peter Cetera has some real fanatics following him. Seriously, Peter Cetera?

Shoe’s Dos and Don’ts of Death and Dying

Big shocker here, huh? Man, did some folks disagree with this one. Whew. But hey, I stand behind my opinions. So there.

Uh, locked and loaded for what exactly?

I upset a few racists with this blog, which I consider the ultimate compliment. Why? Because racists are idiots.

A clown shortage is looming in our country, and I couldn’t be happier.

Surprisingly, more than one clown was offended here, and the blog led to this terrifyingly humorous response:

Well hell, now I have an angry clown on my hands.

I swear to you that tears were rolling down my face as I read this response to my clown blog. Funniest message ever. Wait. Maybe clowns are funny?

15 Reasons I Hate LeBron James

Oh boy, did this one piss off some LeBron fanboys. I had over 30,000 views on this one within a couple days. And maybe, just maybe, I pissed off the man himself:

So I’m pretty sure the guy who responded to my “15 Reasons I Hate LeBron James” blog was LeBron James.

Not even kidding. And did he send me a message? You be the judge:

So I got a lovely message from a LeBron fan today.  Or was it a “fan”?

I think it’s 70-30 it was either him or somebody in his posse.

Regarding Beach Midgets

This surprised me because the story wasn’t really about midgets, and if you read the story you’d understand that. I guess using the word alone was enough to upset the little folk. Sorry shawties.

The People of Facebook

I swear probably 25 people thought I was talking about them after reading this. And here’s the thing – most of them were right.

Guy tries to start a Klan Rally, this happens

I got a pretty funny death threat from a KKK member after posting this, more proof that ignorant racists have no sense of humor. On a related note, damn that’s a funny photo.

Here’s Helen Keller and her beloved cat, “Mittens”

Was this in poor taste? Of course. Was it funny as hell? Oh God yes.

Michael Jordan’s Fashion Sense: A Study

A few Jordan fans took offense to this one, including a couple of my female friends. The love for his Airness apparently runs deep.

Assclowns: My Top 10

I should’ve seen this one coming, especially since I lampooned Coach K, Michael Jordan again, and Miss Oprah Winfrey herself.

8 Things I Don’t Understand About Women*

What can I say? Women feminists just don’t get me.

Halloween and Hookers

Boy oh boy, did this one upset a few women I know. Probably because they thought I was talking about them. And I was.

Ferguson and the Closet Racists

This one brought out the predictable racist morons again. God, they’re so easy to upset. So easy that it almost gets boring.

My Stalker and I

I go a lot of responses along these lines: “How could you write about that? Aren’t you afraid you’ll upset her?” Nah, not really. I did close my curtains for a couple weeks though.

Pretentious Christmas Card Manifestos. They must end now.

I got word that some of my preppy friends were outraged by this blog. And to that I say “meh.”

Ladies, here’s some great advice from the old days. Listen up!

Some people simply cannot comprehend witty, high-end, comedic sarcasm.

Against the Grain: My Unpopular Opinions

Of course I knew some people wouldn’t like this one. Hence the title.

Facebook, Twitter and the Art of the Humblebrag

Again, I received word through the grapevine that a couple folks were convinced this was about them. And once gain, they were correct.

Some Thoughts on the Confederate Flag

Again, racists are so easy to piss off. I was called an N-Word Lover several times, but most complainers simply used the tired old “respecting our heritage” excuse. Sorry kids, that one doesn’t work for me.

Not included here was the time I pissed off a high school bowler’s mother and the time I posted a photo of Hitler with a clown nose. That one didn’t go over well with this guy. Oh, and an insane guy was pissed off at me once too.

Anyhoo, there you go, my 25 Most Controversial Blogs for your perusal. Do the comments bother me? Not really. I just consider the source and remind myself that a hard-hitting, opinionated site such as Shoe: Untied will bring the cockroaches scurrying out from their cracks and crevices. No big deal.

Have a great day!*

*Even you, cockroaches.

Here Are 12 Things You Didn’t Know You Needed

Or maybe you did. Click and scroll to see the whole pic.

A Japanese Killing Stone Cracked Open And Unleashed A 1,000 Year Old Demon!

The Sun – People are worried that an evil demon locked in a rock for almost 1,000 years is on the loose.

A so-called ‘killing stone’ that kept the malevolent spirit imprisoned all this time has split in two, sending believers into a state of panic. Japanese legend has it that anyone who comes into contact with the rock will die.

According to mythology, the volcanic rock – officially called Sessho-seki – is home to Tamomo-No-Mae, also known as the Nine-Tailed Fox. The demon was part of a plot to kill Emperor Toba, ruler of Japan from 1107 to 1123.

Located in the mountainous northern region of Tochigi, near Tokyo, the rock is something of a tourist hotspot – but now visitors are fearful.

Some speculate that the evil spirit may have even been resurrected to wreck havoc once more. Officials are now mulling over what to do with the rock’s remains and could attempt to restore it.

Everybody settle down. Nothing much to see here. Just a demonic Nine-Tailed Fox that has been unleashed from a rock in Japan. I suppose it’ll take a few weeks to get to us here in the states anyway. But hey, we’ve had a good run. Hell, we started out as cavemen but look how far we’ve come. We’ve learned how to make fire, the wheel, airplanes, we walked on the moon and we sent a rocket to Mars. The human race somehow produced Jesus, Napoleon, Muhammad, Shakespeare, George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Aristotle and the damn Beatles. By the way, Paul McCartney is 80-years old now so if this is the end of humanity I suppose now is as good a time as any. Anyway, have a great week everybody!

PS- And here we all thought the end would come by a pandemic or a nuclear war or something. Oops. Wrong again.

Memories of Summer Camps

It’ll be June before you know it, and that always meant a month chock full of basketball. We had Monday and Wednesday night league games, shootouts, our PV Youth Camp, and of course our annual pilgrimage to WVU Team Camp, the Gary Williams Team Camp before that, or even the Bob Huggins Camps at UC and the Ohio U Camps under Billy Hahn back in the late 80s and early 90s. All were always great times.

As you might expect, stories abound from those days . . .

One year we arrived in Morgantown on Friday, got registered at camp, and I got all the guys checked into their hotel rooms. About an hour later my hotel phone rings, and I pick up.

“Hello?”

“Coach, this is T-Bag Medley. I have a question.”

Yes, he gave me his full name.

Because you know, it could have possibly been T-Bag McGinnis or T-Bag Mertz or any other number of my friends named “T-Bag” that happen to refer to me as “coach.” You can’t make this stuff up, kids.

Anyway, I told the guys and for the rest of the weekend and probably forevermore “T-Bag” would be known by his full name of “T-Bag Medley.”

Good Lord.

One time at WVU I heard some of my players being too loud in the hotel lobby. I went out there (pretty upset with them since their were other people in the lobby) and found a couple of my guys in the little room with the snack machines and stuff. They were talking loudly so I ripped into them pretty good, and as I did I noticed a player named Boom slowly disappearing behind one of the machines until he was completely behind it.

Me: “Boom! Why are you hiding behind the machine?”

Boom, in a small, trembling voice: “Because I’m scared.”

Keep in mind this was from a senior and 3-year varsity player. All I could do was laugh and walk away.

Some of my players hadn’t spent a lot of times away from home or in hotels, as was evident one day when one of them took me aside and whispered, “Coach, while we were gone today somebody came in and cleaned up our room. They made our bed and everything. It was awesome!”

The kid was tickled to death, like he’d hit the lottery or something. Couldn’t have been happier.

McCloy vs. 911 Wings.

Draise vs. 911 Wings.

And I’ll never forget a yearly tradition at Hugg’s camp at WVU – the yearly Eating of the 911 Wings. You see, there was a place called Kegler’s that had the hottest chicken wings on the planet. They were so hot they were called 911 Wings. Although we didn’t force players to try one we always told them it was a PV basketball tradition, a Rite of Passage if you will. Almost all the players tried at least one. Those wings were absolutely brutal. To watch them take a bite, then nod their head like it wasn’t that bad, only to see the heat kick in and tears come to their eyes, well it was memorable to put it mildly.

I like to think of it as the ultimate team-building exercise.

Note: 2017 grad Jay Riley could order a plate of those damn things and not bat an eye. Kid had an iron stomach. Or maybe no taste buds.

Once while we were out eating at a restaurant I had a player order extra futons for his salad. The waitress just looked at him blankly and asked, “You mean croutons?” as the table erupted in laughter.

I used to take my teams out to the University of Maryland for the Gary Williams Basketball Camp. It’s a long story but I used to be the Commissioner of the camps there for Gary from 1989 to 2002.

The kids who attended Maryland Camp came from the Washington DC area as well as Baltimore, Philly, New York City and schools all along the east coast. To say my Southern Ohio boys were out of their element was a bit of an understatement. Still, my guys hung out with the city boys, stayed in the dorms with them, and more than held their own on the basketball court. To me it was a win-win all-around. You know, expanding cultural horizons and all that. Not to mention it made my guys better playing against such good competition.

Which brings me to a story that Gary Williams, legendary former coach at Maryland, still tells to this day. Remember that it was 1992, and “trash talking” was in its early stages. Understand that trash talking hardly ever led to violence on the court, it was just a part of the game for players from the playgrounds of the inner-cities. My team, however, was not used to it. It hadn’t made its way to our neck of the woods yet.

With this in mind, my Ohio boys had been in a particularly intense contest with a team from Philly, which we happened to have won. Afterwards, in a corridor outside the Cole Field House floor, words were exchanged between an opposing player and one of my guys. After the other player challenged my player with some unkind words, a punch was thrown.

Somebody got throttled, and he wasn’t from Ross County.

Gary Williams, the aforementioned Maryland coach, happened to be in the corridor and jumped between my player and the other guy who was, well, on the hallway floor. At that point, as Gary will tell you, the following conversation took place:

Coach Williams: “What are you doing, man? Why did you punch him?”

My guy: “Coach, where I come from we only talk like that for a minute. Then we start to hit.”

Gary thought that was the greatest thing he’d ever heard, and he could hardly wait to tell me about it.

Another story at Maryland involved a certain player of mine whose name I’ll leave out to protect the not-so-innocent. This guy liked the ladies, and it just so happened a girls rugby camp was going on the same week as our basketball camp. During our lunch break I was in a car, and as we drove I noticed him flirting with a young lady.

Sorry, but this was too good to pass up. As we passed I stopped the car, rolled down the window, and said this:

“Hey man, we should be getting those STD test results back any time now. I’ll let you know if you’re clean.”

I’m telling you, the look on his face was priceless. Hers too.

Then we drove away.

My last story from Maryland didn’t involve my players, but instead involved me. You have to remember that Cole Field House was a legendary basketball arena. All the ACC greats played there, guys like Len Bias, Michael Jordan, Tim Duncan, Grant Hill, Kenny Anderson, Billy Cunningham, Christian Laettner, Ralph Sampson, James Worthy, Joe Smith and David Thompson. In 1966 the famous National Championship game between Texas Western and Kentucky took place in Cole. Texas Western had an all-black starting line-up and Kentucky was all-white. Led by the legendary coach Don Haskins, Texas Western beat the Adolph Rupp coached Kentucky 72-65. Bottom line, it was a storied, historic arena. Knowing that makes the following story more relevant . . .

It was the last day of camp, the parents had arrived to pick up their kids, and I was announcing the championship game. The contest was nearing its conclusion when I said the following:

“After the game all parents and visitors need to go to the tunnel end of the gym so they can watch the awards ceremony.”

Believe me, I said this with all sincerity and honesty. Never gave it a second thought. But then, all of a sudden, future Hall of Fame coach Gary Williams is looming over me screaming:

“Does this look like a GYM to you, Shoe? Michael Jordan did his first cradle dunk here! Lenny Bias played here! An all black Texas Western team beat an all white Kentucky team on this court in 1966! This is COLE FIELD HOUSE, MAN!”

I’m paraphrasing but that was the gist of it. At this point I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe, which only made Gary angrier. I mean, he was serious but it was so funny at the time I couldn’t help myself. In the meantime any coach within 10-feet was slowly backing away as to not get caught in the line of fire. As far as Coach Williams was concerned I’d insulted the sacred grounds of Cole Field House by referring to it as a “gym.”

Believe me, to Gary Williams that was sacrilegious, man. 

Being the good guy that Gary was we laughed about it together later, but at the time I thought I was gonna get coldcocked by one of college’s all-time greatest coaches. Whew.

Believe me, there are more stories that will have to wait and be told another day. But bottom line, these few stories are what’s great about coaching. Not all the great memories are from time spent during a game. They’re from practices, camps, on the bus, and when we were together as a team far away from game night, developing relationships that will last forever.

Ultimately, it’s all about relationships.

Great Moments in Sports: The Steve Blake Steal

Steve Blake is one of my all-time favorite point guards. I remember when I first met him at Maryland Camp I couldn’t believe this was the kid everyone had spoken so highly about. He was just a skinny kid who you’d never expect could be a great basketball player. A couple years later I took my son Kip to camp and introduced him to Steve, who proceeded to take him to the locker room and give him a grand tour of the facilities. It was just a really nice gesture that wasn’t necessary but he did it because he’s a good guy. I was also behind the Maryland bench when the famous play below took place. I watched as Steve eyed Jason Williams, just waiting for him to turn and look at Coach K again. When he did Steve made the steal, scored, and all hell broke loose in Cole Field House. Amazing memory. And oh by the way, Steve Blake ended up leading the Terrapins to a National Title in 2002 and had a distinguished NBA career as well.

PS- Check out a couple cool Steve Blake videos below this one.

PSS- Man, Maryland hated Duke.

Here’s an example of Steve Blake’s toughness when he was in the NBA.

And here he is in a pickup game after Maryland Basketball Camp back in 2002. That’s my man Jimmy Patsos leading him away at the end.

My Favorite Duos: The Top 10

I know, I know. Odd topic. So I’m odd, live with it. My brain goes to strange places. What follows is my Top 10 Favorite Duos, and I just realized I left out Adam and Eve. Wait. They were responsible for Original Sin, so they can go to hell. See what I did there? Anyhoo, this is my list and I’m standing by it. Yell at me in the comments section if you have a problem with it. Or don’t, I don’t really care. First though, I shall tell you about a few duos that missed the cut. Here they be:

Heckle & Jeckle

These dudes just missed the Top 10 because I loved them as a kid. They were two cartoon birds on a TV show, and their hijinks were hilarious. If I recall one of them inexplicably had a British accent, although I know not why. On a related note, I’m very happy I found a way to work the word “hijinks” into this blog. It means “boisterous fun” but you knew that.

Batman & Robin

See kids, the original Batman was sort of a dark comic strip like you know now. But the 60’s TV Batman was something different, sort of a funny, campy, tongue-in-cheek look at superheroes. Seriously, it was awesome. Trust me on this one.

Simon & Garfunkel

There is one reason I refuse to put this musical duo in the Top 10, and it is not Art Garfunkel’s hair. It’s the fact that Paul Simon once said this: “The world is waiting for two great reunions. Simon and Garfunkel and The Beatles.”

R-i-g-h-t. Dream on, Paul Simon.

Ren & Stimpy

Who could not like a show starring Ren, an emotionally unstable chihuahua, and Stimpy, a good-natured, dimwitted cat? I mean really? The show was controversial for its off-color humor, sexual innuendo, dark humor, adult jokes, and violence which were rare for children’s television animation. The series is often cited as paving the way for animated shows like Beavis and Butt-Head and South Park. Good stuff, man.

And without further ado, we get to the Top 10. I need a cat to give me a drumroll, please . . .

Thank you.

10. Walter White & Jesse Pinkman

Oh yeah! The top two characters in one of my all-time favorite TV shows, Breaking Bad. Walter was a high school chemistry teacher who was dying of cancer and Jesse was a young punk and former student. Together they get involved in the making and selling of crystal meth and the results were one helluva story. If you haven’t seen it, watch it as soon as possible.

9. Lucy & Ethel

I’m going way back here, but Lucy and Ethel are television icons, man. And if you watch today it’s still funny and fresh. Don’t believe me? Watch this:

8. Lenny & Squiggy

If you don’t know who Lenny & Squiggy are I feel sorry for you, you’re a pathetic human being and you can’t be my friend. These guys were on the Laverne and Shirley show and were a couple of dimwitted friends who were always hanging around. Bottom line, they were hilarious and the only reason I watched the show. Wanna see their famous introduction to every show? OK.

 7. Beavis & Butt-head

Beavis and Butt-head were two socially incompetent, heavy metal-loving teenage delinquents who go to school at Highland High in Highland, Texas. They have no apparent adult supervision at home and are dim-witted, under-educated and barely literate. Both lack any empathy or moral scruples, even regarding each other. Their most common shared activity is watching music videos. Beavis and Butt-head helped lead to the downfall of modern society as we know it. Did I like to watch? I did.

6. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

Look at these guys. Cool personified.

Ah, one of the most famous duos in movie history. The film was called “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” (der) and starred Paul Newman and Robert Redford. They were stellar. They were savvy, cool thieves and there are several classic scenes in the movie. Here’s my first favorite scene, when some gunslinger challenges The Sundance Kid to a gunfight before realizing he’s the Sundance Kid:

Gunfighter: “I didn’t know you were the Sundance Kid when I accused you of cheating. If I draw on you you’ll kill me.“

Sundance Kid: “There’s that possibility.“

Here’s another favorite scene:

Butch: “Listen, I don’t wanna be a sore loser but when this is over if I’m dead, kill him.“

Sundance: “Love to.”

Classic stuff.

5. Cheech & Chong

Richard “Cheech” Marin and Tommy Chong were (and are I guess) the faces of 70’s stoners and I owned all their albums back in the day. They started as a comedy duo and man, they were funny. They eventually made some great movies like “Up in Smoke” and the follow-up, “Cheech and Chong’s Next Movie” which had a great title, amirite? Anyhoo, Cheech & Chong. Check ’em out:

You get the gist.

4. Bugs Bunny & Daffy Duck

Hey, these two have been through a lot together, and Bugs has been  responsible for Elmer Fudd shooting Daffy in the head with a shotgun approximately 7,894,354 times. Still, they remained close and have persevered. These guys were popular back when cartoons were wildly inappropriate and featured stuff like people getting shot, run over by trucks, falling off cliffs, and other various merriment and hilariousness. Oh, and almost all cartoon characters had a speech impediment. Awesome.

3. Macaroni & Cheese

Is it a stretch including a foodstuff in my Top Duos? Not in this case, my friends. And hey, it’s my website. After all, Mac ‘n Cheese has a personality of its own and calls to me almost daily. I actually have a conversation with it as I eat it. Stuff like, “Oh, yes. Yes. You are the definition of tasty goodness.” You know, stuff like that. I include it with no guilt or remorse.

2. Lewis & Clark

Bad. Ass.

Anyone who has ever been a student in my history class knows of my love for two of the baddest mofos in history. When Thomas Jefferson needed somebody to lead a corps of men across the uncharted American west, a place that many thought was inhabited by saber-toothed tigers, wooly mammoths and had volcanos and possibly a race of giants, who did he pick? You got it – Meriwether Lewis and William Clark. Their mission? To find a waterway to the west. Although they didn’t find the waterway because it didn’t exist, they did make it to the Pacific Ocean after encountering grizzly bears, hostile Native Americans, and you know, the freaking Rocky Mountains. Still, they made it back. If you haven’t read the book Undaunted Courage you’ve lived an unfulfilled life. Finally, the following video was required viewing for my classes, as it now is for you. Enjoy . . .

1. Lennon & McCartney

Anyone who didn’t see this coming does not know me, is a moron, and heretofore is not my acquaintance. This duo not only changed the course of music history but wrote the soundtrack of my life. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times – The Beatles advanced music more from 1963-1970 than it’s been advanced since. From “She Loves You” to “Helter Skelter”? Are you serious? Quite simply, they made the biggest impact on my life than anybody on this list, and it’s not even close.

 I know what you’re saying. No Tom & Jerry? No, because Tom & Jerry was lame, so shut it. This is my list and I’m standing by it. Have an awesome weekend.

Why I Hate Duke

Before all you Dookies get your panties all up in a bunch, understand that I think Coach K is a great basketball coach. Fantastic X & O guy. You can’t argue with his success. He’s won all those national titles for a reason. However, it’s the other things that rub me the wrong way, like the hypocrisy which I’ll get to shortly. All I ask of people is that they play it straight with me, ya know?

And please, spare me the “winning breeds jealousy and that’s why you don’t like them” nonsense. I like and admire plenty of successful college programs, such as Kansas, North Carolina, even Kentucky. Sure, Coach Calipari seems a little bit like a sleazy used car salesman, but he doesn’t pretend to be anything other than exactly what he is. That I can respect.

So without further ado and at the risk of offending Dookies everywhere, I give you the reasons I strongly dislike Duke. OK, the headline is right – I hate them.

Coach K

WHAT?!? He stands for all that is right in college athletics! He’s the epitome of virtue! Nah, not really. You know how Coach K is always turning down those high-dollar job offers from the NBA? How he always “mulls things over” for a few days only to ultimately decide to stay at his beloved Duke because he loves “his kids”? It’s all bullshit. Do you know how many times Roy Williams or Bob Huggins have been offered NBA jobs? Many times, trust me. The difference is, they don’t hold press conferences or send out press releases bragging about it while holding their colleges and “their kids” hostage. Coach K does. And it’s amazing how he always ends up with a raise after these offers. Coach K was hauling in $9,682,032.00 a year as of 2014 and that’s not counting commercials and other endorsements. Duke does this at least partially to prevent him from leaving for the NBA, which he’ll never do.

Another quick point – I’ve been lucky (or unlucky) enough to be in small groups with both Coach K and the legendarily profane Bobby Knight, albeit separately. Worst mouth? Coach K, and it’s not even close. Mother****** this, mother****** that. Now, I’m sure those of you that know me well know I could care less about bad language or somebody making a buck, but I do care about a self-righteous, smug coach pretending to be something he’s not.

Sorry Dookies, but not really.

But wait, there’s more . . .

Did you know Coach K left the program in 1995 due to “back problems and exhaustion”? The team was turned over to longtime assistant Pete Gaudet, who was a restricted earnings coach making $16,000.00 at the time. Gaudet proceeded to go 4-15 as Duke’s season went down the drain, and although the move goes against most school’s policy, the wins and losses went to Gaudet and not Krzyzewski. Why? Because Coach K petitioned to NCAA to do so. He sat at home receiving his huge salary while Gaudet made $300.00 a week. That was wrong. It was Coach K’s team and had they won I’m sure he would’ve accepted the victories. Note: Coach K stepped down in early January that year. Vince Carter, who was  being recruited at the time, visited Coach K’s home on January 15th and related this:

“He was up and about. He didn’t seem like a guy who has had all these back problems.” 

Did Coach K bail on a bad team? Who knows for sure? Oh, and Gaudet left Duke in May, after the season. People I know close to the situation said Coach K urged him to leave after the bad record during his short tenure. Gaudet says he holds no ill will toward anyone at Duke, but I wonder . . .

Oh, and one final thing. Ever seen this commercial, where Coach K talks about not being a “coach” but a “leader” as he shills for American Express? Do you understand the massive ego it would take to say those words? Good Lord.

Update: It seems Coach K has been exposed as a liar as well. He had a few words with Oregon player Dillon Brooks after their Sweet 16 matchup, and Brooks said he was lecturing him about sportsmanship. Coach K vehemently denied it, but was caught on video saying exactly what Brooks said he’d said. Coach then apologized and said he’d “acted incorrectly” to a reporter’s question. My God, that’s so Krzyzewski it hurts.

Duke Cultivates a Culture of Dirty Play

Sure. Inadvertent contact. Or not.

Listen, Grayson Allen and his habit of tripping players is just the latest. Remember Christian Laettner and his famous foot stomp? Had Laettner been thrown out of the game for that outrageous play he wouldn’t have been around to hit this legendary shot that defeated Kentucky in that regional final game in 1992. Oh, and what about Gerald Henderson’s brutal cheap shot on North Carolina’s Tyler Hansbrough in 2007? At least Henderson was ejected. And how did Coach K respond to that one?

“We’ll take all responsibility, but if there’s any way Gerald Henderson did that intentionally, that’s crazy. That’s not the way he plays and not the way we play. … I feel badly for Tyler and what happened, but there was no intent.”

Really coach? Maybe you should watch the video again. Sure, there are players from other programs who have made dirty plays, but none compares to Coach K’s Dookies. By the way, I know a lot of coaches from all levels who teach players that, should they fall down on the defensive end, they should bring down an opposing player to avoid a 5 on 4 at the other end of the court. Just don’t pretend you’re not teaching it, coach.

Dick Vitale, Dookie Lover

The blatherings and slurpings that have come out of this buffoon’s mouth are legendary. Check this link and listen to him start blabbering about Coach K and Duke during a Maryland-Kansas game. Unbelievable. Vitale somehow makes Duke out to be morally superior to the rest of college basketball, and they’re simply not.

Is this Duke’s fault? Probably not, but it’s another reason to dislike the Blue Devils. People resent the favoritism.

Note: I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t listen to Vitale covering any college game. Sorry, but somebody shouting stuff like this is not my idea of a great college basketball listening experience:

“Talk about a P-T-P-er, baby, a prime time performer! Mr. Allen has been on fire! Somebody call the fire chief, man, he’s burning up the nets! Here he is, nothing but nylon! NBA time! Grayson Allen, what a show!” 

Meh. Call me a prude but I’d prefer measured, intelligent analysis.

Foul Discrepancies

There have been many years when Duke teams made more free throws than their opponents attempted. In 2000-01, a national championship season for Duke, they actually attempted 1,002 free throws, compared to its opponents’ 701 attempts. During that season, Duke players were assessed with 659 fouls; the opposition, 848. As of January 5th of this season, Duke had scored nearly a quarter of its points at the free-throw line (22.9 percent). In addition, once again the Blue Devils had made 64 more free throws (283) than their opponents had attempted (219).

This has been a trend for the last 25-years or more. Coach K says it’s because Duke drives to the basket more, as if nobody else does. Listen, I know some teams foul more than others, but come on. The reality is that the referees have bought in to the Duke, and Coach K, myth.

Lack of NBA Success

How many former Duke players who played for Mike Krzyzewski have won NBA titles? The answer? Two. Danny Ferry with the San Antonio Spurs and Shane Battier with the Miami Heat, and neither was a key player on those teams by any stretch of the imagination. What does this tell us? That the Duke bias has greatly exaggerated the greatness of Duke players. To wit: Much has been made of Duke often having as many as 12 McDonald’s High School All-Americans on their team. Why are they McDonald’s All-Americans, you ask? Because they were being recruited by Duke as high schoolers, and because of this the media overrated them. Thank you and goodnight.

There are other reasons I don’t like Duke besides their head coach’s hypocrisy and the media and official’s bias towards his players. There’s the flopping, the obnoxious Cameron Crazies, and the general smugness and pretentiousness of the school. I spent my summers in North Carolina from 1992 to 2011, and I had many conversations with basketball fans there. You know what? Most people there hated Duke. They loved the University of North Carolina and its enrollment of in-state students but considered Duke to be an uppity school full of students from the northeastern states. You see, only 15% of Duke students are from North Carolina. The University of North Carolina, on the other hand, boasts 80% of its students from in-state. Who can blame North Carolinians for supporting their true home university?

Like I said, just be straight. Don’t pretend to be something you aren’t, Coach K. You know, when you talk to a guy like West Virginia coach Bob Huggins you’re getting exactly who he is. The phony gene simply is not present. Yes, Huggs is my friend, but the truth is the truth.

And I guarantee Coach K could learn a thing or two from him.