Archive for July, 2014

Drunks are either hilarious or pathetic, depending on your perspective.

You know, as a coach I always tell my players to respect their parents and listen to what they’re basketball_24703752_stdbeing told at home. Sometimes, though, that can actually be bad advice . . .

Years ago I had a player on my team that had played for another coach the year before. That coach had let this player do things on the court that I wasn’t comfortable with him doing, so it was quite a change for him (incidentally, you could have said that about the entire team). For instance, he’d been allowed to shoot 3-pointers even though he wasn’t very good at it. I don’t know, I have this thing about only letting players take shots that they can, you know, make.

In addition, he’d been a starter the year before but I was bringing him off the bench.

Anyway, the kid adapted pretty well, his father not so much.  He couldn’t understand why some players were allowed to do certain things and others weren’t, especially his son. A meeting was set up and dad was pretty ticked off. He wasn’t being real mature and at one point sort of screamed this at me:

“Why the hell won’t you let my boy shoot 3-pointers? He’s wide open out there!”

At this point I’d had enough, so I leaned back in my chair and said this:

“Well, you realize why he’s wide open, right? The other teams want him to shoot.”

Well, that didn’t go over so well and things sort of went downhill from there. He then accused me of playing favorites, which I readily agreed with. After all, it’s a coach’s job to pick his favorites and play them the most, right? And his favorites always happen to be the players who work the hardest, listen, let themselves be coached, and do what’s asked of them to help the team succeed.

Anyway, he left in a huff and slammed the door on the way out, grumbling that he was going to tell his kid to quit. The next night we had a game and my expectations regarding the kid hadn’t changed, of course. He showed up and we won the game, but I was told the father stormed out during the third quarter.

Afterwards, after everyone had left the gym I was sitting in my office by myself calling in the game stats to the local paper. It was around 11:00pm and there was a knock at my door. I opened it, and there stood the player in question. I thought, “Well, here we go. He’s here to turn in his uniform and quit.”

Instead, this happened. He asked to sit down, and after he did he looked at me and said this:

Coach, I want you to know something. My dad loves me. When he watches us play I’m the only thing he sees. He has no idea what we’re trying to accomplish. Well, I do. And I have no problem with what you’re asking of me because all I want to do is win. Whatever it takes, I’ll do it.”

This, from a 17-year old kid. Pretty insightful, don’t you think? And he believed this even though he was hearing a dissenting opinion every single night in his home. He could have easily listened, made excuses, blamed me, and quit.

But he didn’t.

And you know what? By the end of the season he’d become a damn good player and was starting.

So yes, in this rare case, I’m glad he didn’t listen to his father.

This is the Man Bun. Apparently all the cool kids are wearing their hair this way, from Leonardo DiCaprio to Jared Leto to Bradley Cooper to yours truly. Just kidding on the last part. Seriously though, I’m thinking I could maybe pull this off. Just let my hair grow in a little spot in the back and go to town like a Samurai. After all, they did it first, amirite? Anyway, Man Bun. Coming soon to a man near you.


These would save me a lot of time.


How in the hell?

Beware the Cows

Posted: July 30, 2014 in Animals, Humor

What’s your beef?

Police say a herd of cows attacked and killed a German woman hiking through their fenced-in pasture after apparently being riled by the sight of her leashed dog.

They said the 45-year-old victim was rushed by about 20 cows and their calves. Attempts by an emergency crew to revive her were unsuccessful.

The attack occurred on Monday on a mountain pasture in Austria’s Tyrol province. The woman’s name was not released, in accordance with Austrian confidentiality rules.

And so it begins. I always knew the cows would turn on us at some point. Something about the way they look at you when you drive by them, just awaiting their chance to catch you unaware. And no way we treat cows the way we’ve been treating them without repercussions sooner or later.

And how about that woman, huh? Guess she didn’t m-o-o-o-o-v-e fast enough. Hey-O!

Anymoo, lesson learned. Never trust a cow.

PS- Seriously, this is your classic case of animals looking after each other, right? Those cows saw that little dog on a leash and proceeded to go all gangsta on that woman. Cows, man.

Somebody once told me that you could lay a Gummy Bear on the ground in the forest, go back in a month, and it would still be there. They won’t rot or disintegrate, and even birds and squirrels know not to eat them. As for this Best Value Ice Cream sandwich, I’m sure this isn’t uncommon but it’s still rather interesting and somewhat informative, amirite?


images24UBPCDEI know, I know. I’ve been beating this drum for years now, but the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is starting to piss me off. How can Madonna, Donovan, Blondie, ABBA, and Donna Summer all be in there and guys like Jeff Lynne and Todd Rundgren be left out? Who the hell is voting anyway? It’s a travesty.

For the uninitiated, let me tell you a little about Jeff Lynne:

  • He has produced recordings for artists such as The Beatles (Anthology), Paul McCartney (Flaming Pie), Ringo Starr, Brian Wilson (Brian Wilson), Randy Newman, Roy Orbison, Dave Edmunds, Del Shannon and Tom Petty (Full Moon Fever).
  • He co-founded the Traveling Wilburys with Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, George Harrison and Roy Orbison. Lynne is the only member of The Wilburys who is not in the Hall of Fame. Shameful.
  • In 2008, The Washington Times named Lynne the fourth greatest record producer in music history.
  • Jeff Lynne can play virtually every musical instrument.
  • Before his death, John Lennon was quoted as saying (in a complimentary way) that if The Beatles had kept making music they probably would have sounded a lot like ELO. High praise indeed.

untitledBottom line? Jeff Lynne is a true genius who should have been inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame long ago, and how someone as influential to music as him is not there is mind-boggling.

Not to mention it’s a damn shame.

PS – If you’re a fan or just want to see what I’m talking about, check out the video below. In it, Jeff Lynne and original ELO keyboardist Richard Tandy perform some of Lynne’s songs with just an acoustic guitar and a piano. It’s a 28-minute video made a couple years ago and is well worth your time. Highly recommended.



I’m torn on this one.


And I thought Sparky’s ears were big.


Not so fast, assclowns.

Before you watch this please understand it’s not exactly politically correct. It may make some people angry. It may also be correct.

Have some poise, honey. That’s a 2-foot wave.

Hobos were way more stylish in the old days.

Hobos were way more stylish back in the day.

So I go into a convenience store in town today, and as I go to pay a guy is standing there frantically fishing through his pockets. He had a gallon of milk and some other stuff on the counter, and he was clearly short of what he owed. It was also obvious the guy wasn’t exactly well-to-do, partially because of the way he was dressed and partially because he smelled like a burnt turd rolled in spoiled cottage cheese.

Anyway, as I watched I noticed the guy was $3.78 short. As he began figuring out what to return to the shelf, I just told him I’d take care of it and handed him a $5.00 bill. I did this partially because I’m a good guy but mainly because I’m an impatient ass who wanted to get the hell out of the store.


Seriously. That’s the name this little monster goes by. He hails from Madagascar, and that camo is top-notch, amirite? Somewhere, the Duck Dynasty boys are envious.

Purty, ain't it?

Purty, ain’t it?


If you put a goatee on this guy wouldn’t he sort of look like me?

Just some random thoughts that have been running through my brain . . .

  • If I hear the word “framily” on TV one more time I’m going to punch somebody in the throat.
  • That commercial with the puppets on wires? I don’t get it. I mean, that dude is married to a life-sized puppet. He has a puppet kid and a puppet father-in-law. In addition, it’s terrifying to me. I hate puppets.
  • If I hear a supposedly educated person on television pronounce the word “nuclear” as “nucular” one more time I shall hunt them down and snap their brain stem.
  • People constantly use the word “literally” incorrectly. Lesson of the Day: If you say you were “literally scared to death” it means you are now dead. So shut it.


From the legendary Last Waltz concert. “The Hawk” was the first guest to perform, and legend has it that Neil Young, after watching from the side of the stage, went backstage and told Bob Dylan, Van Morrison and the rest, “Did you hear that? Hope we can all live up to it.”

See, a lot of folks look at this and think it’s hysterical. They think the ump is being funny, putting on a cute show for the fans. I, however, look at it and see a grown man desperately trying to become the show. Perhaps he didn’t make the team as a child, I can’t be sure. In any event, Mr. Umpire, nobody is there to watch you, they are there to watch the teams play baseball. To me, there’s nothing worse than a sports official who tries to make himself part of the game like this guy. Believe me, the best officials are the ones that you rarely even notice. To me, that’s the definition of a good official. Anyway, just my humble opinion that happens to be correct.

I don’t know Jack!

Posted: July 27, 2014 in Life, Mystery

Note: The names and places in the following story has been changed for reasons that will soon Man-Standing-Silhouette-12553-largebecome clear. Plus I don’t want to be contacted by the authorities.

About 20-years ago I became friends with a guy I’ll call Jack. Jack owned a little shop around the corner from our cottage at the beach, and we sort of hit it off right away. We had a lot in common and shared the same sense of humor. Jack was a pretty big guy and wore his hair tied back in a ponytail. He was one of those guys who was always trying to make a buck, trying to hit the jackpot with some business venture. In the years I knew him he owned the aforementioned shop, a Thai restaurant, and a place where vacationers could rent stuff – those little wagons with the big tires to haul stuff to the beach in, things like that.


Hoodoo GurusWe’ve all listened to bands over the years that none of our friends knew about, right? You know, the bands that you really liked and couldn’t figure out why they’d never made it big. Well, the #1 band in that category for me is undoubtedly The Hoodoo Gurus. I first bought a Gurus tape back in the mid-80′s at a little record store on High Street in Columbus. I believe it was the magificently named Magnolia Thunderpussy. Anywhoo, I was with my friend Goose and I basically just made a blind purchase. I don’t know if it was the band name or the album cover that caught my eye, but I grabbed “Mars Needs Guitars”, gave it a listen, and I was hooked. Thus began my 30-year love affair with The Gurus.


THIS is the R.E.M. music I fell in love with in the early 80’s. From 1998’s “Storytellers.”

Fails of the Week!

Posted: July 26, 2014 in Fails, Humor

Idjuts. Again.

ghost1So it seems I’ve been running into more than my share of weirdos, crackpots and screwballs lately. I mean, I always seem to attract an odd assortment of people, but recently things have turned up a notch. I wrote the other day of the beer cart dude and how he became so irritated when I moved his beer cart 3-feet, and since then I’ve had a couple incidents with people that bordered on the bizarre.

I prefer driving at night, so a couple days ago I left the Outer Banks at 3:00am. I was driving on a 2-lane highway about 60-miles from the beach when I saw something along the side of the road up ahead. It was white and sort of stood out against the darkness. Keep in mind there was literally nobody else on the road with me. It looked like a person, so I slowed down a bit to see what was up.


I give it a 9.5.

Stephen A. Blowhard

Stephen A. Blowhard

Listen, I’ve never had much of a beef with Stephen A. Smith. I get it that he and Skip Clueless Bayless are paid to spout out ignorant, contrary statements so dummies like me will watch their show from time-to-time. Today, however, he said this regarding the Ray Rice controversy. If you haven’t heard, Ray Rice knocked his fiancée out cold and dragged her unconscious body out of an elevator, only to get a paltry 2-game suspension from the NFL.


Below is a list of NFL suspensions under Roger Goodell. As you can see, getting free tattoos in college (Terrell Pryor) is a lot more serious than knocking your fiancee out in an elevator and dragging her unconscious body back to your hotel room (Ray Rice). The NFL: Where Inconsistent Discipline Happens! And hey, for your viewing pleasure I included the Ray Rice video down below. Just another romantic night out in Atlantic City!