Jay Cutler isn’t very good at this fatherhood thing.

So my girl Kristin Cavallari is married to that doofus quarterback for the Chicago Bears, Jay Cutler, right? While I’m not happy with this arrangement I’m sure she’ll get sick of him eventually, and at that point I’ll make my move. In the meantime she’s had two kids with this goon, and recently left them alone with him. On her way home she texted him as she was landing at the airport, and below is his reply. Dude was ready to cut and run, just throw a bottle and some Doritos in the crib and bolt. Trust me, Mike Brady he ain’t.

On a related note, I don’t know one guy who hasn’t felt this way after being left alone with two young kids. Perhaps I should cut Mr. Cutler some slack. Nah.

Assclowns: My Top 10

I recently posted a video of that chick ripping Kim Kardashian and it got me to thinking, which is always a risky proposition. Who are the biggest assclowns today? You know who I’m talking about, the people who are just clueless. Pure smugness, no self-awareness, no idea what it’s like in the real world, those sort of folks. Assclowns. Here’s the Urban Dictionary’s definition:

Assclown: One, who, through the fault of his parents conception, is a skid mark in society’s collective underwear.

There ya go. That’s what I was trying to say.

Note: When perusing the interwebs for this blog, I came across an interesting bit of information. It seems that an idiot is a stupid person with a mental age below 3-years, while a moron is a stupid person with a mental age between 7 to 12 years of age. Food for thought.

I have mostly athletes in my list, partly because there’s a lot of sports related stuff on Shoe: Untied and partly because, honestly, there are a lot of dumbass professional athletes, coaches and sports reporters out there. You may not agree with a couple of my choices, to which I say I don’t give a damn.

I purposely left out politicians for the same reason I don’t put political stuff on Facebook or on this website. I get way too invested and emotional.  It also makes me want to punch people in the larynx. My friends with opposing political views know this and try not to bring that stuff up. Having said that, the Hasselbeck chick on The View is doing for conservatives what John Wayne Gacy did for Party Clowns.

In addition, I left out people I work with because, well . . . you all know who I’m talking about and that blog is coming in, oh, say a month or so. Stay tuned. Heh-heh.

Again, this is my own personal list, so feel free to argue or call me a dumbass in the comments section. Just remember you’re dealing with a razor-sharp wit here. I can be brutal when prodded. I shall now give you my Top 10 Assclowns, in no particular order. Let’s get started:

Skip Bayless

Moron.

What. A. Dick. Anybody watch this jackass on ESPN’s First Take? This blowhard trollcown comes up with some of the most asinine opinions you can imagine. Really, I know the guy is paid to be controversial and stir things up, but how can anybody watch his act? Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, went on the show the other day and absolutely destroyed him. I loved it. Bottom-line? I can handle the contrariness, the buffoonery, the “trying to say something outrageous” mentality. But being uninformed? Not so much.

The Kardashians

As I posted earlier, Ronda Rousey put it best: ‘I don’t want some girl whose entire fame is based on some sex video to be sellin’ Skecher’s to my 13-year old sister.” Amen, sister, amen. Preach it! And you know what? From what I’ve seen (yeah, I’ve watched the show) Kim is probably the least annoying of the whole damn family. Most annoying? The mother, Kris. That damn show has completely ruined my image of Bruce Jenner, not to mention Lamar Odom. Jeebus.

Oprah Winfrey

Hat size? 9.

Millions of adoring fans disagree, but I began growing weary of her act years ago. It might have been the time she threw one of those parties where everyone was ordered to show up in white and she wore red, I don’t know. Maybe it was the time she arrived at a store in Paris at 6:45, the store had closed at 6:30, and after being denied entrance she played the race card. Maybe it’s just her know-it-all, smug attitude.  Maybe it’s that her idea of happiness seems to always involve a lot of money. Maybe it’s her perceived infallability. Maybe it’s her enormous head. Wait. She’s responsible for Dr. Phil, right? Maybe that’s it.

Or maybe it’s all of the above?

Coach K

The Rat.

Uh-oh. Now I’m steppin’ on toes. Coach K is a paragon of virtue! He’s our olympic coach! He stands for all that is right in college athletics!  Nah, not really. You know how Coach K is always turning down these high-dollar job offers from the NBA? How he always “mulls things over” for a few days only to ultimately decide to stay at his beloved Duke because he loves “his kids”? Bullshit. Do you know how many times Roy Williams or Bob Huggins have been offered NBA jobs? Many times, trust me. The difference is, they don’t hold press conferences or send out press releases bragging about it while holding their colleges and “their kids” hostage. Guys like Coach K and Coach Cal at Kentucky do. And it’s amazing how they always end up with a raise after these offers. Coach K, in particular, hauls in 10-million per year. Another quick point. I’ve been lucky enough to be in small groups with both Coach K and the legendarily profane Bobby Knight. Worst mouth? Coach K, and it’s not even close. Mother****** this, mother****** that. Now I’m sure you know I could care less about bad language, but then again I’m not a self-righteous, smug coach pretending to ne something I’m not. Sorry Dookies.

Michael Jordan

By all accounts a complete ass. There are a hundred stories of how poorly he treated his teammates, and if you want an example of arrogance at its worst just check out his acceptance speech when he was inducted into the Professional Basketball Hall of Fame. Humble he ain’t. Also, there’s the little issue of the time he was forced to leave basketball because of his gambling problems retired and played baseball (badly) for 3-years. Even thinking he was good enough to play pro baseball shows the height of arrogance and assclownery. See how I did that? I’ve used both assclownery and trollcown in this blog. I’m a trailblazer I tell ya. Trailblazer.

Antonio Cromartie

The responsible young man named Antonio Cromartie has 12 kids, four from his wife and eight others with seven different women. Assclown. That is all.

Dwight Howard

Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. A year ago you were one of the most well-liked players in the NBA. Well, now you ain’t. Your preening was already wearing thin and then you  went and demanded to be traded. Over and over and over again. You’re making millions and millions and millions of dollars to play basketball, yet you whine and moan about not wanting to be in Orlando. You got one of the best coaches in the NBA fired because he wouldn’t coddle you and your juvenile ways, you gave team management a list of teams you wanted to go to (as if it was your decision), and you’re situation is now being referred to as “The Dwightmare” in Orlando. Congrats son, you’re now the poster boy for the spoiled, whiny, sulking professional athlete. Nice work bro!

Note: Dwight went to L.A. and pulled the same spoiled-child act. He’s now in Houston.

Jay Cutler

Here are 5 reasons I dislike Jay Cutler:

His smirk.

Intensity personified.

He sat out the second half of a playoff game even though he was walking around on the sideline, smirking. Get out there, ya wuss!

He once said he had a better arm than John Elway.

He’s engaged to Kristin Cavallari, who is in love with me although she doesn’t know it yet because we’ve never met. Yet.

Dillon Pearce

Never heard of this jerk? That’s because he’s not an athlete, an actor, or a politician. What he is is an assclown of the highest order. Dillon Pearce was driving a Hummer down the street in Ann Arbor, Michigan (it figures), and turned into a McDonald’s parking lot. As he did, a mother duck was leading her family across the lot. What did he do? Dillon Pearce floored the Hummer and ran over the ducklings. I gotta be honest, if I ever witnessed something like that somebody would be in line for a severe ass-beating and I would be the one that ended up in jail. Anyway, the guy was convicted on a felony charge and spent a few days in the slammer. And although he’s free now, he’ll always and forever be a dick.

Eric Davis

Any list I ever compile like this will always include Eric Davis, former outfielder for our own Cincinnat Redlegs.  Here’s why. Years ago I took my nephews and their buddies to a Reds game. We went early to watch batting practice, maybe catch a foul ball. At one point we’re right by the railing and Eric Davis comes walking by. Keep in mind this guy was a hero to these kids. The kids were calling out to him, calling him Mr. Davis, being very polite. After ignoring them (even though he was 5-feet away), he finally stopped, looked at them, and yelled, “WHAT? Leave me the fuck alone!” At that point I yelled something very innapropriate back at him as he slithered away, but the damage had been done. The kids were just stunned, mortified, and hurt. I really felt badly for them and was trying to calm them down when pitcher Norm Charlton walked up to save the day. He’d seen what happened, grabbed the kid’s stuff, and as he was signing gave out this sage advice: “Don’t pay any attention to him, guys. He’s an asshole.”

I love Norm Charlton.

So there you have it. I’ve trashed the great Coach K and Michael Jordan, not to mention Oprah Winfrey’s legions of fanatics probably have a bounty on my head as we speak.

To which I reply, “Meh.”

Hope you had a lovely weekend.

Originally published on July 13th, 2012.