Archive for June, 2015

This is Bronson. He is not a good watch dog.

Ah, the old “we were playing a shooting game” defense. Good luck Iris Ann!

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The stain glass window on the door is a nice touch.

Nicely played.

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Funny dude.

Think of a worse name to have than the Pigbutt Worm. You can’t. Then again, maybe you can because this creature is also known as the Flying Buttocks. You can’t make this stuff up, kids. The official definition states that the Pigbutt Worm “bears a strong resemblance to a disembodied pair of buttocks.”  I’m dyin’ over here. But oh, there’s more. The worms have also been observed “floating with their mouths surrounded by a cloud of mucus” which has to have a definite negative effect on their dating prospects, amirite? Man, the Pigbutt Worm can’t catch a break, can it? Anywho, Pigbutt Worm.

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Unsurprising.

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FAIRFIELD, Conn. (AP) — A man in southwestern Connecticut who mistakenly bought the wrong lottery ticket is $30,000 wealthier.

Bob Sabo, of Easton, says he didn’t want to wait in line to buy a lottery ticket at the Super Stop & Shop in Fairfield, so he decided to buy a ticket from a lottery vending machine — something he had previously never done.

Sabo says he meant to buy two $20 tickets, but says he didn’t have his glasses on and instead bought a $30 ticket. When he got home, he discovered the ticket was a winner.

Not gonna lie. I hate Bob Sabo of Easton, Connecticut. Hate him. Do you know how much I could use 30 grand? I’m a retired teacher trying to get by on 67% of what I used to bring home, and this guy wins $30,000 by mistake?

Asshole.

Instant Karma

Posted: June 29, 2015 in Fails, Humor
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Karma’s having a helluva day!

Whoopsy.

(News Press) — The Fort Myers Police Department is looking for a man who entered a 7-Eleven in Fort Myers Friday evening and pointed a gun at a store clerk. The incident occurred just before 6:30 p.m. after the store clerk told the suspect the bathroom was out of order, according to Fort Myers police.

The suspect fled the store and left in a green four-door Cadillac.

Hey, I’m not mad at this guy. Who among us hasn’t felt like pulling a gun on a person who just told us the bathroom was out of order? Hey, when you gotta go there’s nothing worse than being told you can’t, amirite? That clerk is lucky he didn’t get capped. Totally justified, man.

Check out the noggin on the Hooded Seal, man. That’s just cray-cray. You have to actually see it to believe it in the video below, but when the Hooded Seal gets in a fight it blows up a huge bubble on its head and flaps it around like a boss. Supposedly it does this to scare its opponent. The bigger the bubble the badder the seal, so to speak. Anywho, Hooded Seal.

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Check the video:

Some surprises here.

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So twice in the last couple of weeks I’ve sent out ridiculously personal texts to the wrong 1recipients. Both were meant for a particular person, but the first time I accidentally sent an inappropriate text to an older lady I do business with, the second time I actually mistakenly texted  a group of my player’s parents.

There are several thoughts that shoot through your brain as you realize what you’ve just done. The first being, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!,” the second being, “God, I’m a dumbass,” the third being, “God, I’m a HUGE dumbass,” the fourth being . . . well, you get the point.

Next you think you can somehow reach through space, grab the offending text, and snatch it back. Nope. Can’t be done. It’s gone.

Then you envision in your mind what must be going through the heads of the recipients. First is probably, “What the hell?” Then, I’m sure there’s the slow realization there’s been a terrible mistake and you’ve just been drawn into a private place where you shouldn’t be, like accidentally walking in on somebody in the bathroom or something.

In fact, I know this because I received a text just the other day that wasn’t meant for me, and it couldn’t have been worse for the sendee. You see, one of my players texted me, thinking he was texting his girlfriend. That got interesting real fast.

It probably says a lot about me to know that I actually texted back and forth awhile before telling the player who he was talking to. Why? First, because I was having some fun with him. Secondly, because I’m a terrible human being.

Lucky for me, the folks I mistexted to were classy enough to either shoot me back an LOL, tell me they’d done worse or simply pretend they didn’t see it. One lady actually gave me a wink and said the offending text was the highlight of her week, so there’s that.

That said, I will be avoiding eye contact with certain people for awhile.

And no, you’ll never, ever get the contents of those texts out of me, so stop it.

Morale of the story? Double-check before pressing send. For the love of God, double-check.

Mr. Boot

Posted: June 27, 2015 in Classroom, Education, Humor
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Just a quick one here.

A couple years ago I had a pre-school PE class, an adventure in itself. It was the first day of school and I was introducing myself and going over the rules. I told them my name was Mr. Shoemaker but they were allowed to call me Mr. Shoe. They thought that was pretty funny. After I was finished and the kids were playing a game, a little girl came up to me and asked . . .

“May I go to the bathroom, Mr. Boot?”

Hey, she knew it was some kind of footwear, and she was close.

A lot of people don’t know this, but the lead singer on this song, Benjamin Orr, and group founder Rick Ocasek both have strong Ohio connections. Orr is from Lakewood and Ocasek moved to Cleveland from Baltimore when he was 16. The guys met in Columbus and the rest is history.

Current and topical.

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Park in a handicapped spot? This is what you get.

That’s crazy, man. Canada? Australia?

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Take a gander at the Glass Squid, man. Transparent like you read about. These squid spend much of their lives in partially sunlit shallow waters, where their transparency provides camouflage. Hey, we all wish we could disappear at times, amirite? They are characterized by a swollen body and short arms, sorta like that kid you knew in 3rd grade. Anywho, Glass Squid.

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Attack Cat 1, Bear 0.

But his face sure does.

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Any video titled “Skeeter Breaks His Shit” has to be good, amirite?

So somebody in England invented the Cheeseburger Eggroll, and it is breathtaking. Seriously, it is gorgeous to behold. The ingredients include ground meat, finely chopped white onion, garlic cloves, salt and pepper, sheets of pastry, cheese slices, an egg and vegetable oil. Then you combine the ingredients and deep fry the hell out of them. Damn I’m hungry.

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But seriously . . .

The Hallucigenia is aptly named, huh? Good Lord. With its long spines down its back, seven pairs of clawed legs, and six tentacles gracing its neck, the 500 million year old ocean-floor dweller looks like something from a very weird dream. The Hallucigenia featured weird legs, spikes on its back and a tooth-lined throat. Freaky, man. Anywho, Hallucigenia.

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