Woman’s American Girl Doll Collection Will Haunt Your Soul

I’m telling you right now, if I walked into that house and saw that scene I would pass out on the spot. That’s just horrific, man. Nightmare fuel. I told you about my fears in the acclaimed blog Mannequins and Clowns and Dolls, Oh My! Oh, and Puppets and Rats Too, and let’s just say a staircase full of lifeless, cold eyes staring at me gives me the heebies. Chills, man.

PS-Swear to God when I first saw the photo I thought it was of one of those college sororities at Alabama or Clemson or somewhere.

Man Knifed for the Most Legit Reason Ever

A scientist plunged a kitchen knife into his colleague as he was fed up with the man telling him the endings of books, say investigators.

Sergey Savitsky, 55, and Oleg Beloguzov, 52, would pass the lonely hours during four harsh years together in a remote outpost in Antarctica by reading.

However Savitsky became angry after Beloguzov kept telling him the endings, it has been claimed.

Daily Record reports that the victim is now in intensive care with a knife injury to his heart.

He was flown from Russia’s Bellingshausen research station on King George Island to Chile following the alleged attack.

No way Sergey Savitsky can be convicted, amirite? I mean, if anyone ever deserved a knife to the heart it’s Oleg Beloguzov. What kind of an evil ne’er-do-well would keep telling his buddy how books ended while living in a remote outpost for 4-years in Antarctica? Dude was asking for it. That’s cold, man (pun intended).

PS- No way I’d work on a Russian outpost in Antarctica. I saw The Thing, man.

Cool Animal of the Day: The Marvelous Spatuletail

Check out the Marvelous Spatuletail, man. Dude has a unique tail like you read about. He’s a hummingbird that’s endangered and found only in a small area of Peru. This little bro’s body is tiny and the things you see on the end of the tail are called rackets. Marvelous indeed. Anywho, Marvelous Spatuletail.

Cat Crashes Catwalk, Causes Chaos

So a random cat crashed a fashion show this weekend, showing how she felt about the ridiculous attire that passes for fashion these days. The disgusted feline swatted at the models, licked herself, and finally did a strut down the catwalk to the delight of the crowd. Well done cat. You spoke for all of us.

Attack Cat.

Cat strut.

That cat’s had enough.

Right smack dab in the middle.

Star of the Show.

I agree, cat. Those sleeves look stupid.

That cat don’t give a damn ’bout nuthin’.

Think You’re Having a Bad Day? You Are Not.

Hey, it’s Monday. Tough day for all of us. Some of us may have gone a little hard whilst watching football yesterday, who knows? Long week ahead and whatnot. But guess what? At least you weren’t standing on a sidewalk when a gaping chasm of death suddenly opened up below you, sucking you into a murky hellhole of concrete, dust and steel rebar. I’m pretty sure I caught a glimpse of the Angel of Darkness amidst that dust. Chills, dude.

Cool Animal of the Day: The Dead Leaf Butterfly

Check out the Dead Leaf Butterfly, man. When its wings are closed dude looks like a dead freakin’ leaf. That’s cray. Master of Camouflage like you read about. Wait. I like Master of Mimicry better. Let’s go with that one. This bad boy is found in Tropical Asia from India to Japan when you can find it. It’s difficult because, you know, it looks like a dead leaf. As you’ll see in the photos and video below, when it opens its wings it’s spectacularly beautiful. Anywho, Dead Leaf Butterfly.

[click and scroll, damn it]

Watch the video. That’s an order.

 

 

Nobody Shows Up To Kid’s Birthday, Internet Predictably Overreacts

Tucson: It was a sad showing for a 6-year-old boy’s birthday party in Arizona.

Teddy’s mom says they invited 32 of his classmates to a pizza party for his birthday in Tucson Sunday afternoon.

But no one showed up at Peter Piper Pizza restaurant.

Social media was flooded with messages of support and Teddy’s story caught the attention of some big names in the sports world.

The Phoenix Suns invited Teddy to come watch Wednesday night’s game against the Lakers.

Listen, I’m glad little Teddy got to go to the Suns game, I really am. But something smells fishy here. Anytime 32 kids turn down an invite for free pizza something is amiss, folks. My first guess is that Teddy is a little asshole and nobody likes him. Hey, I taught for 30-years, I know stuff. Secondly, what kind of a parent asks their kid to pose for a photo at an empty table and then post it on social media? A parent that wants attention, that’s what kind. Trust me, there’s more to this story, man.

PS- My parents would have never thrown a birthday party for me like that, but it they did and nobody showed they’d have blamed me and asked why the hell I didn’t have any friends.

PPS- Teddy went to the Suns game. Not sure if he found a friend to go with him, but I know the Suns lost. Teddy is a bad seed.

Justin Bieber Has Committed A Sin That Can Never Be Forgiven [UPDATED]

Listen, I couldn’t name one damn Bieber song. Sure, I’ll give anyone a try but the first time I heard him I was out a few bars in. Not my cup of tea. And hey, I know the guy is a tool who wears sunglasses indoors and is about as self-aware as a clam.  Still, I kept my hate at bay until today. Why, you ask? Because today these eyes gazed upon a sight that was so horrific, so outrageous, so abominable and so unforgivable that he can never, ever be forgiven.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, Justin Bieber eats his burritos sideways.

[UPDATE: That’s not Bieber]

PS- Maybe it’s a Canadian thing?

PPS- I’ve offended many a group on this website. Nazis, racists, Duke fans, LeBron James, bowler’s mothers, eclipse lovers, the list is a long one. Bring it on, Beliebers.

So Nosewarmers Are a Thing Now, and I Have No Idea What’s Happening Anymore

Rare.US.com: Winter is coming. Is your wardrobe ready? Sure you’ve got hats, gloves, scarves, jackets, and boots, but is that everything? Are you maybe forgetting another part of your body that you’ve neglected to keep warm? Obviously you’ve got your eye muffs too, because no one wants to go frost blind. But I’m talking about your nose, fool. The nose, as they say, is the exhaust vent to the soul. So protect it from the cold! Now you can with specialty nose warmers. You can find Aunt Marty’s Original Nose Warmers on Amazon and Etsy and, oh my. With a nose sporting one these you’ll certainly be the talk of the Hobby Lobby parking lot this winter.

[click to enlarge]

Listen, I try to keep an open mind. I really do. I try to keep up with the times. I listen to hip-hop, I make an attempt to have the newest technology, and I accidentally bought what I thought was a pair of shorts that may or may not have been manpris. I haven’t worn them yet but still. Yet when I take a gander at these nose warmers I have one thought – disgust. I’m sorry man, but that dude needs punched right in the nose warmer. What’s next, something to cover our ears to keep them warm? Our hands? Our feet? Wait. Never mind.

Full disclosure: If somebody knitted me a Sparkyhead nose warmer I’d sport that baby all over the place.

These 17 Drawings Will Blow Your Mind and Make You Think

The following are drawings by an artist named Sergio Ingravalle, and they are guaranteed to make you think. Some will hit you right away, while with others it may take a minute. In either case they are very, very good. Enjoy.

[click to enlarge]

How Does a Venus Flytrap Really Work?

Well, it can count for one damn thing. Venus Flytraps are carnivorous, so they wait for some poor unsuspecting schmuck to trigger the little hairs on its leaves and boom, you’re a goner. See, when the prey hits a hair an electric signal tells the plant something is there. If two hairs are disturbed within 20-seconds the trap snaps shut. After a third hair is touched the plant’s digestive juices start flowing an it’s a slow and agonizing death for whatever happened to mosey into its jaws of death. Diabolical.

PS- In the second video you’ll see the Venus Flytrap eat a snake, bloodworms, honeybee, spider, housefly, frog, a big bug, a finger and a goddamn cactus. Dude does not discriminate. Good God almighty.

Chili Pepper Gets Red Hot at Lakers Game, Is Tossed

I hate myself for that title right now. Anywho, there was a brouhaha, a kerfuffle if you will, at the Rockets-Lakers game the other night, and guess who wanted a piece of Rocket Chris Paul? None other than Red Hot Chili Pepper Anthony Keidis, who went after Houston’s point guard with a flurry of profanity as he was ushered off the court. His buddy and bandmate Flea, who was sitting with him, stayed out of the fray. Keidis was tossed too, but no

t before shooting Paul an aggressive and ill-intentioned bird. Good times, man.

PS- I just posted this because I wanted to write that title.

Shoe: Untied True Fact o’ the Day

Around 2,200 people are bitten yearly by Black Widow Spiders in the USA. Contrary to common belief, most people suffer no serious damage and don’t even require medical attention.

Beatle Album Covers: My Favorites

The Beatles were the most innovative band in rock history, and it wasn’t limited to the music. Their dress, their hairstyles their album covers and more all influenced the world. Below you’ll find, in no particular order, my favorite Beatle album covers, with a little commentary and factoids thrown in for good measure. Enjoy, my Beatlemaniac friends.

[click on the cover to read the caption]

Yellow Submarine featured an illustration of the band by Heinz Edelman in the style of the film, which also doubled as the film’s poster. The film and its sleeve were the peak of the Beatles’ psychedelic period. This also led to the memorable Beatles cartoon!

Ah, the infamous “Butcher” cover that was eventually retracted and redone, and the originals are worth a mint today. Taken by photographer Robert Whitaker, and said to be the Beatles’ statement against the Vietnam War, this image showed the band dressed in white smocks and covered with decapitated baby dolls and pieces of raw meat. The title is a play on the song “Yesterday” the feature track on the album.

On With the Beatles, photographer Robert Freeman snapped the iconic photo in stark black and white. Just perfect. “Rather than have them all in a line, I put Ringo in the bottom right corner, since he was the last to join. He was also the shortest.” Poor Ringo, man.

Revolver featured a cover illustration by German musician and artist Klaus Voormann, who they met in amphetamine-munching spell spent in Hamburg in the early 1960s. If you look closely, Voormann’s own photograph as well as his name is worked into Harrison’s hair on the right-hand side of the cover. His design ended up winning a Grammy for Best Album Cover.

As legend has it, this album was set to be called Everest and the boys were scheduled to pose at the base of Mt. Everest. However, John and Paul said to hell with that and decided to walk outside the studio and take a picture of them walking across a street, then name the album after whatetever street they chose. Abbey Road was born.

The White Album cover was a total U-turn after the beast that was Sgt. Pepper, with its minimalist, plain white design. Included was a tiny serial number in the bottom left corner. Richard Hamilton, who created the cover, claimed the number was intended “to create the ironic situation of a numbered edition of something like five million copies.”

Ah, a classic. Rubber Soul. The title was a play on words. Rubber Sole, get it? It was the band’s first album to not have their name on the cover, unheard of in 1965. Trippy vibe, man.

The lads spent a tremendous amount of cash on this one, gaining permission from over 70 celebritito use their image. Classic cover, and books have been written about the secret clues on both this and Abbey Road.

On Beatles for sale the boys used Freeman again, and I always thought th photo reflected the weariness that Beatlemania was inflicting on the lads. John, in particular, looks tired.

For their last recorded album, in which the band had broken up before it was even released. So damn sad.

The Beatles used Freeman again for another classic on A Hard Day’s Night. The iconic head shots were his attempt to mimic the motion of a movie camera.

Bonus covers! I like these because The Beatles recreated an early 60s cover with a new photo of the band in 1969. Cool look.

1962-1966

1967-1970

Cool Animal of the Day: The Honey Possum

Check out that little Honey Possum, man. Just cute like you read about. This mouse-sized marsupial lives on a diet of nectar and pollen. It can drink 7-ml of nectar a day, which would be like a human drinking 50-liters of Mountain Dew. That’s cray man. Its Aboriginal name is Noolbenger, which sounds like somebody’s mailman or something. “Hey! There’s Al Noolbenger with the mail!” The Honey Possum’s tail is prehensile, meaning it can grasp branches and whatnot. The tail is longer than the rest of his body, and he hails from Western Australia. Anywho, Honey Possum.

Massive Gator Still Roaming Florida

So the humongous alligator that’s been seen over the last few years in Florida has been spotted again. This dude looks like a caboose with legs, man. Something out of the Jurassic Period perhaps. Anyway, here we see it after it just had a hearty breakfast of oxen with a side of St. Bernard. Yikes.

Wussification Steamrolls Onward: Mommy Files Federal Suit After Son Gets Cut From Soccer Team

LaDue, MO: A St. Louis mother has filed a federal lawsuit, claiming that a soccer coach’s decision to cut her son from the junior varsity team was age discrimination.

The suit claims the soccer coach told the boy’s mom that he was “right on the bubble” of making the team, but that there were too many kids who had a better soccer skill and soccer IQ than him. The coach also wasn’t willing to put the boy on junior varsity again.

The mother and stepfather complained to the school, but they eventually supported the coach’s decision.  The teen’s mom claims her son will face “irreparable harm” if he’s not put on the team.

A judge is expected to make a decision in the case on Monday.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Age discrimination? For realz? Listen, any coach with a brain in their skull will tell you that if two players are of equal talent the younger one usually plays. That’s just common sense, right? Because you’re going to have them longer and they’ll have more of a chance to develop? Bueller? Bueller? Anybody? And sorry kid, but I guarantee your coach was being kind when he said you were “on the bubble.” Newsflash: You were not on the bubble. You were under the bubble. Perhaps nowhere near the bubble. In fact, there were not only “too many kids with better soccer skills” than you, but they also had better soccer IQs. This means you don’t understand how to soccer, dude.

But you know the worst part of this story? The worst part is that mommy squandered a perfect life lesson for this kid, like, you know, work harder to achieve your goals, rewards are earned and not given, stuff like that. I can’t wait until this kid is passed over for a promotion at work when he’s 27 and mom tries to sue his boss. Good stuff, man. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times – how in the world can a kid learn to deal with adversity if mommy and daddy are going to jump in and save them every time they face it?

UPDATE: The judge threw the case out of court, stomped on it, spat upon it and was seen laughing uncontrollably as he skipped away. Good job, judge.

PS- I can totally name some parents who would do this, but I’ll save it for my upcoming blockbuster blog. Stay tuned.

Man Strips Naked and Jumps Into Shark Tank, Sadly Is Not Eaten

See how my people censored the photos? Crack staff indeed.

Toronto, Canada: Visitors were enjoying a monthly jazz night at Ripley’s Aquarium, in Toronto, Canada, last Friday when a man decided to skinny dip. He didn’t seem to have a worry in the world despite being circled by two sharks. Onlookers seemed equally shocked by his foolishness and nakedness. Security at the aquarium were not pleased with his antics and a video showed them telling him to get out. The exhibitionist seemed to be following their orders but inexplicably dived back into the water moments later. Guards made sure they secured him when he got out again and escorted him away.

Oh my. Where to start? First of all, I think it should be posted at all zoos and aquariums that if you enter a wild animal habitat you are 100% on your own. No discussion, no debate. No other human should be subjected to danger because of your stupidity. Secondly, I’m sure glad that security was “not pleased with his antics.” Had they been pleased they’re probably not very good at securitying. I’ll also pat the onlookers on the back for being “shocked by his foolishness and nakedness.” Seems like an appropriate reaction. Finally, why do crazy people take their clothes off before doing something crazy? There has to be some psychological reason for this, no?

PS- Jazz night indeed.

Manny Machado Won’t Hustle; Not His Cup Of Tea

For the 7% of you out there who still watch major league baseball, you know the playoffs are in progress as we speak. The Dodgers are playing the Brewers, and last night some doofus named Manny Machado loafed to first base on a routine ground ball to the shortstop. Then, after the game he said this:

“Obviously I’m not going to change, I’m not the type of player that’s going to be ‘Johnny Hustle,’ and run down the line and slide to first base and … you know, whatever can happen. That’s just not my personality, that’s not my cup of tea, that’s not who I am.”

Uh, OK. We get it. You don’t hustle. You don’t work hard. You’re lazy. You know, because that’s not “who you are” and not your “cup of tea.” I swear to God when I heard the interview on the radio I thought it was a Saturday Night Live parody. On a related note, Manny Machado makes $16-million a year to play baseball.

PS- As a free agent for 2019, he is expected to sign a contract in excess of $400-million. Sigh.

Candy Corn Beer Debuts In Wisconsin!

There’s a unique twist on a popular Halloween treat.

The Westallion Brewing Company in West Allis, Wisconsin debuted a candy corn beer just for the fall.

But is it a trick or a treat?

They say the beer is based on a typical cream ale, with malts and sugars. A house-made candy corn flavoring is then mixed in.

It’ll be on the tap at the brewery through the end of October.

Listen, I’m not a big fan of these special holiday concoctions. You can take your pumpkin beer and pumpkin spiced Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes and shove them up your ass for all I care. That said, probably my favorite Halloween candy is Candy Corn. Just sugary goodness all day every way. Melts in your mouth like you read about. But guess what? I have to draw the line at Candy Corn Beer, man. That sounds disgusting. What’s next, pumpkin flavored cottage cheese?

Son of a bitch.

Here’s Your Feel Good Story of the Day

A man in New York City named Charlie went to a shelter to get a dog. However, the one he had his eyes on had already been adopted. However, before Charlie left he decided to take a lap around the facility to see what other dogs were available. Just as he was about to leave he saw a little mutt in a the corner of a cage. The little dog’s back legs didn’t work, he had 3 teeth and his ears had been frostbitten. At that point Charlie had a thought: “If I don’t take him, nobody will.” Ladies and gentlemen, meet Engelbert.

Incredible Photo of the Day: Squid Eggs

Squid Eggs, man. Also sorta kinda doubles as Cool Animal of the Day.

I Need These Jack Russell T-Shirts And I Need Them Yesterday

Grab a pencil, kids. Ready? December 3rd. That is my birthday. Still plenty of time to order my present. Thank you and goodnight.

Having a Bad Day? It Could Be Worse.

A dog bit off a man’s testicles and penis in a horrific attack at flat in East Lothian.

The 22-year-old was found unconscious in a pool of blood next to an Old English Bulldog, which was also covered in his blood. Police were confronted with the horrific scene when they were called to the property in Haddington on Sunday afternoon.

The man was rushed to Edinburgh’s Royal General Infirmary where he remains unconscious and in serious condition, reports the Daily Star.

The dog was taken to police kennels until the exact circumstances of the attack are known.

So you think you’re having a tough day, boys? Boss being a little rough on you? Wifey giving you a hard time? Kids being little assholes again? Hey, look at the bright side, at least you didn’t get your penis and testicles bitten off by an Old English Bulldog. Yikes.

PS- Man, nothing grabs your attention like that opening sentence, huh? Every man who read it immediately winced, crossed their legs and covered their junk with both hands. 

PPS- I guarantee this guy was doing something weird, like flashing his goods in front of the dog or something. Ol’ Gus probably thought it was a squeaky toy or chew stick or something. Maybe a Vienna Sausage. Hey, he was British.

PPPS- I have no idea if the dog’s name was Gus. It just seems like an Old English Bulldog name. That or Max.

Here Are Your Top 10 Kid Halloween Costumes for 2020!

Yes kids, our crack staff here at Shoe: Untied is here for you once again. We’ve scoured the worldwide interweb to come up with the Top 10 2020 children’s Halloween costumes for you, our loyal readers. We have ranked said costumes from 10 to 1, because we’re here for you. Let us commence . . .

#10 – Gandhi

Nothing like dressing your kid up as the symbol for India’s independence, amirite? Good call.

#9 – Pillsbury Doughboy

Are you calling your kid fat? Perhaps. But it’s OK. Totally worth it.

#8 – Hannibal Lecter

Because dressing your kid up as a fictional movie serial killer is always a great idea.

#7 – A Taco

Because why the hell not? Tacos be tasty.

#6 – Walter White & Jesse Pinkman

Because you’re willing to shave your kid’s head, right? Right? LOVED Breaking Bad.

#5 – Old Woman

Simple but effective. Very effective. Also disturbing as hell.

#4 – Wilson the Volleyball

Everyone loved Wilson, the volleyball from Castaway, right? Look, it’s Wilson the volleyball from Castaway!

#3 – Dwight Schrute

If you’re not a fan of The Office you’re not a fan of mine and you cannot be my friend. That is all.

#2 – The Dude

Any avid reader of this site know I’m a fan of The Big Lebowsky, so I am thusly a fan of this costume. Rock on, dude.

#1 – Glowstick Boy

Shoot me, but I love me some Glowstick boy. Cannot help myself.

So there ya go, kids. Shoe: Untied’s Top 10 favorite Halloween costumes. Steal at your leisure.