Archive for March, 2013

“Jesus gonna rise up, I gonna whoop the devil. Right out here in the Food Lion parking lot.”

Policy schmolicy. My extremist comments are below the article.

DM – A 13-year-old girl caught using a butter knife to cut a piece of fruit in her middle school cafeteria has been suspended according to her outraged mother who says the punishment goes too far. Morgan LaPlaume of Wamsutta Middle School in Attleboro, Massachusetts says the braces on her teeth prevent her from biting through whole fruit so she brought in the round-tipped knife for help. She said she never imagined it would lead to the vice principal escorting her to his office and a one-day suspension. ‘As we were walking to his office I asked him and he said we you are not allowed to have knives in school and I said, “I was using it to cut my pear, I wasn’t using to it harm any other student” and he said “I know but it’s the policy,”‘ Morgan told FOX25. ‘It’s a butter knife. She has braces. She was cutting her pear. There is no intent at all there,’ added her mother, Melissa LaPlaume. But according to the school’s student handbook, signed at the beginning of the year by all parents and guardians, they have a zero-tolerance policy on knives. ‘I understand the policy but I think that every child needs to be looked at individually,’ Mrs LaPlaume said. ‘And every case is different. Not every child is the same. In Morgan’s case I believe she should have just been given a verbal warning,’ she said.

I have a really radical idea. How about taking Morgan aside and saying:

Honey, I know you had no intention of breaking the rules, but you’re not supposed to have any type of knife in school. Come down to the office and we’ll cut your fruit for you. Then I’ll return your butter knife before you leave today.”

Shocking and groundbreaking idea, I know. Good grief.

In addition, if a butter knife is a weapon, what about pencils? Pens? Rulers? Dry Erase Markers? Protractors? Hell, you could kill a horse with one of those Math Compasses.

The truth is that these Zero Tolerance policies are a joke and a crutch for administrators to turn to when they don’t have the guts to make a decision. Kids and situations are not all the same and should be treated and dealt with individually and independently of each other. End of story.

Why is that so hard to understand?

Another gem.

So we’ve been covering The Alamo and the War with Mexico in class the past few days. You know, Davey Crockett, Jim Bowie, Sam Houston, William Travis, General Santa Anna and all those cool guys. We hit it pretty hard and really covered it.

Or so I thought.

To finish up the lesson I showed the kids “The Alamo”, the great 2004 movie starring Billy Bob Thornton, Jason Patric and Dennis Quaid. As I was typing in “The Alamo 2004” on YouTube to find the movie one of my students said this:

“2004? Wow. It happened that recently?”

Sigh. Oh well, he was only 177-years off.

I’m pretty sure I broke Joe Wisecup’s leg at Buckeye Hills doing some of this stuff.

Seriously, there be some bad language up in here.

Just so we’re keeping up with the hilarious baby names . . .

Beyonce and Jay-Z named their kid Blue Ivy. Sigh. Sounds like a trendy restaurant.

That Playboy chick Holly Madison has named her baby . . . wait for it . . . Rainbow.

Bob Geldolf, lead singer of the Boomtown Rats and Live Aid organizer? He named his kid Fifi Trixibelle. That’s right. Fifi wasn’t enough. He then followed it up with another dog name, Trixibelle.

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni named their kid . . . Kyd. Good Lord. Kyd? Why not Baybee? Chylde? Yungin?

Bono, lead singer of U2, has named his kid (Kyd?) Memphis Eve. Yep, his boy is named for the night before Memphis. I don’t get it either.

Actor Rob Morrow named his kid Tu. Get it? Tu Morrow? What’s next, Candy Barr? Smelly Beaver? I hate myself right now.

I need a nap. Later folks.

Extra – Naturally, everyone assumes Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will give their baby girl a name that starts with a K. Not only do both parents’ names begin with the letter, but most of Kim’s family members have K names too. The Sun, however, says Kanye jumped on the unusual baby name bandwagon and has fallen for the name North, as in North West. North is tamer than some Hollywood baby names like Nicolas Cage’s son Kal-El (after Superman), Penn Jillette’s daughter Moxie Crimefighter and Jason Lee’s boy, Pilot Inspektor.

Well, you may remember my blog about baby names awhile back. You can read it here if you want. In the blog I made fun of people who call their kids Blayde and Draven and other ridiculous names like those.

So, when I read the article above I can’t say I was particularly surprised. After all, it IS Kanye. He’s an assclown of the highest order. But still, North West? Really? Why no love for South West? How about Old West? Go West? Head West?

The mind reels.

And how about those other names? Moxie Crimefighter? Pilot Inspektor? What the hell are these people thinking? What is the point? To make your kid look like a fool? Are they having fun at their baby’s expense? How will these kid’s ever become a doctor or lawyer with those names? I’m so confused.

Can somebody explain this to me?

The names in the following anecdote have been changed to protect the innocent. Except mine of course. That would just be silly. Not to mention I’m not very innocent . . .

So I was chatting with some kids at lunch today when a 5th grade girl walks up to me. Here’s the conversation:

Me: “Hey Carlee. What’s up?”

Carlee: “Hey Mr. Shoe. Not much.”

Me: “How are you and Mason getting along?”

Carlee: “Oh, we broke up on Sunday.”

Me: “Oh, too bad. Everything O.K.?”

Carlee: “Yeah, I’m good. Things are a lot more peaceful when you’re single.”

Wow. Wise beyond her years huh? Were truer words ever spoken? If I would’ve had Carlee’s insight when I was 11 it could have saved me and a few other people one helluva lot of trouble.

Amen Carlee. Amen.

You will smile. Oh, and grimace.

Rod Serling was a sick dude.

Very cool. Nice to know I have a few friends who would do this.

Nice moment.

Wait ’til the :40 second mark, when Coach Kerry Coombs rips a kicker for getting a drink of water. Love it.

I simply cannot get enough of these. Comedy gold.

How do some of these people look at themselves in the mirror?

Another classic from the “True Facts” folks.

The madness never ends. I can’t seem to get the video to show so just click the link.


Yep. Stone cold killer right there.

Fox – Children at Park Elementary School went home with a letter today explaining there was a disruption in school. Seven year old Josh Welch, and his father, say the disruption lead to a two day suspension for the second grader in Brooklyn Park. Academics are hard for Josh, who suffers from ADHD, but he excels in art class. It is Josh’s own creativity that may have gotten him into trouble. At Park Elementary school, Josh was enjoying his breakfast pastry when he decided to try and shape it into a mountain. Josh said, “It was already a rectangle and I just kept on biting it and biting it and tore off the top and it kinda looked like a gun but it wasn’t.” Josh takes full responsibly for trying to shape his breakfast pastry, but admits it was in innocent fun. He told FOX45, “All I was trying to do was turn it into a mountain but, it didn’t look like a mountain really and it turned out to be a gun kinda.” When his teacher saw the strawberry tart he knew he was in trouble, he recalls, “She was pretty mad…and I think I was in big trouble.” Josh’s dad received a phone call from the school saying that Josh has been suspended for two days because he took his breakfast pastry and fashioned it into a gun. Josh’s dad was astounded to learn the school chose such a harsh punishment, even after no one was hurt.

You know how I would have handled this? Probably like this:

“Hey, cool gun. Careful though. Some idiot might come along and accuse you of threatening to shoot up the school with your Pop Tart. Eat it. Fast.”


Most amazing buzzer-beater ever? Gotta be close.

And those ages are 7 and 8.

I was skimming through a magazine at the dentist’s office the other day and ran across an article about new American baby names. I think it’s a pretty well-known fact that Americans have pretty much lost their collective minds when it comes to naming children. It used to be pretty easy, just name the kid John or Robert or Mary or Sally and move on.

Oh, we had the nutjobs in the ’70s like Frank Zappa who named his kids Dweezil and Moon Unit, but overall it was pretty simple. My best friends as a kid? Dave, Tom, Ted and Jeff. Today? No, it has to be something completely unique, something nobody else has ever used. For the love of God, Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple. I assume Banana is next, followed by Grape and Muskmelon?


Here are some recent samples I found online, followed by my biting commentary. Let’s start with the boys:

Blayde. They must think the added “y” really puts it over the top. I’m assuming they’ll name the next boy Nyfe? Or maybe Daggir? Mashetty? Sabre? Shank? Good Lord. Wait. What about Shiv? I actually sort of like Shiv.

Chesney. Three words – country music fans. What’s next, Urban? Wait, that one’s taken. On the other hand, Cash is pretty cool for a first name. Still, if somebody names their kid McGraw I’ll become unglued.

Sketch. Really? Sketch? SKETCH? What, Doodle wasn’t available?

Draven. Really? Aren’t you pretty much guaranteeing your kid take up Black Magic and become a Warlock if you name him Draven?

Diesel. As you may or may not have read, I had a kindergartner a couple years ago named Diesel who was the epitome of cool. Until he shat his pants, of course. After that, not so much. If your name is Diesel you’d better be able to back it up.

Izander. Izander? What? Sounds like someone from the Land of Ize.

Jaydien. Here’s what bothers me about Jaydien. The extra “i”. Totally unnecessary. Kid’s going to have to spell the name out every time he checks into a hotel or gives it to someone over the phone.

Zaiden. Of course we have Zaiden. Next will come Zayden. Or Zaydien, as in Jaydien.

Sigh. Enough of the dumb boy names. The girl names can’t be so pretentious, can they? Can they? Oh God . . .

Brook’Lynn. Apparently the apostrophe is a new trend. What’s next, Me’Gan? Kel’Le?

Luxx. This is the epitome of the horrible “new” baby names. Luxx. Sounds like a nemisis of Superman or maybe a brand of sweeper.

Copelia. Does that sound sexual to anyone but me?

Fallyn. Sounds like an angel that has fallen from grace or something. Just depressing.

Tybee. This sounds like a late night infomercial brand name. Get the new Tybee Fruit Juicer Now! One-time offer only!

Joplyn. Being a classic rock fan, I actually like this. In fact, I think a family of Joplyn, Jimi, Morrison, and Croce would be pretty cool if you ignore the fact that they were all named after people who died before they were 30.

Jerrika. Presumedly has a father named Jerry and a mother named Erika? If my parents used that logic I’d be named Ralphthryn or Kalph.

There were a lot more but I’m becoming too depressed to include them. But seriously, folks, don’t be afraid to go old school with the baby names. There is nothing wrong with naming a kid Max, Sam, Jack . . . even David. My general advice would be to keep it simple, but what the hell do I know? Do what makes you happy, but remember there are no guarantees I won’t make fun of you.

Seriously, SKETCH?

Acoustic version.