The Two Times I Reviewed The VMAs

VMAs, Part 1

Well, I finally got around to watching the Video Music Awards last night, and as a gift to my faithful followers I documented the entire 2-hours.

Seriously, I really did.

You see, I’m retired and can’t start subbing until Friday so I’m really, really bored. REALLY bored. So, rather than start mainlining heroin I’m doing insane things like this. Deal with it.

I recorded the time as I made notes to enhance the process. That’s precisely what separates me from your average blogger, kids. Here we go . . .

:10 – Ten seconds in and I’m confused. Lady Gaga is singing with her head stuck out of a box. She reminds me of Sally Field in The Flying Nun. Nobody? Never mind.

1:38  – OK, I know Gaga’s gonna rip that nun suit off, it’s just a matter of time.

1:55 – Nun suit off. Partially. She’s now wearing a 1920’s style bathing suit, complete with bathing cap.

2:42 – Random thought: Why do backup dancers have to look so mean and unhappy? Constant sneering, man.

4:28 – Holy moly. Gaga just went off stage and returned wearing . . . uh . . . hold on . . .

4:33 – . . . a seashell bra and some sort of flowered thong. Somewhere, Madonna is nodding approvingly.

6:06 – One Direction has taken the stage! My 5th graders loved them!. Wait . . . that one dude’s hair looks like a marmoset exploded on his head.

6:43 – Random thought: If I had seats behind that giant spaceman I’d be pissed.

6:56 – Quick shot of Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez. I’m predicting 17 of these. I’ll try and keep track.

7:56 – Confession. I like that song “Carry On” by the group Fun. Contrary to many of the songs nominated for Best Pop Video, it actually has a melody.

9:12 – Selena Gomez just won something, and her acceptance speech had all the nuance and depth of a gerbil nibbling a carrot. On a related note, Taylor Swift looks like a gerbil nibbling a carrot.

9:48 – Just showed a shot of Katy Perry walking backstage and she snarled at the camera. What’s everybody so mad about?

18:31 – Miley Cyrus is about to take the stage. Can’t wait to see how the lovable little scamp from Hannah Montana has grown up.

18:32 – WHAT THE HELL?

19:00 – Hey Miley, Gene Simmons just called. He wants his tongue back.

19:21 – Hey Miley, Michael Jackson just called. He wants his crotch-grab back.

19:33 – Hannah Montana just twerked all up in a huge teddy bear. It’s a confusing world, kids.

20:07 – There’s a giant black woman throwing something to the audience. I can only hope she’s giving them their money back.

20:17 – Miley just kissed the giant black woman’s butt and slapped it. The dancers all have teddy bears on their backs. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Eew. Billy Ray must be so proud.

21:02 – Random thought: You’re a professional dancer. You make the cut to dance on the VMA’s on national TV. Then you find out you’ll be dancing with a giant teddy bear on your back. Still happy? I have no idea.

21:38 – Uh-oh. Here comes Alan Thicke, who used to be the dad on Growing Pains. He’ll straighten these young punks out. Wait . . .

21:45 – Hannah Montana just molested a giant foam finger. Plus she took off more clothes.

21:50 – What is it with the tongue, Miley? Jeez, keep it in your mouth.

22:00 – Hannah Montana just molested Alan Thicke with a giant foam finger. Wait. Apparently that’s Robin, Alan’s son. Anyway, molested.

22:23 – Robin Thicke just got twerked by Hannah Montana. It’s a world gone mad.

23:00 – Somebody named 2 Chains has taken the stage. I got nuthin’ here.

25:00 – The Miley Cyrus/Robin Thicke number has concluded. Rihanna is not impressed.

25:01 – Hey Miley, Madonna called. She wants her act back.

25:12 – Lil’ Kim’s still alive?

25:46 – Random thought: I never thought I’d see the day when women would start wearing things to make their butt look bigger.

34:00  – Taylor/Selena screenshot #2. They’re very excited.

35:00 – Jared Leto just introduced Kanye West by calling him a “rock star.”

40:00 – Kanye just completed his entire song in shadow, which I approve of wholeheartedly. He also did the whole song in auto-tune, another solid choice. That way we didn’t have to actually see or hear him. Kudos to Yeezus.

45:00 – Taylor Swift just won best female video for the song “Trouble.” Did you know Sparky hates Taylor Swift? By the way, Taylor looks like her face has been squashed together, like some cosmic pixie. I have no idea what that means.

45:01 – Taylor/Selena screenshot #3 and #4. They’re still very happy.

51:27 – Justin Timberlake has taken the stage. I happen to like Justin Timberlake and find him to be self-effacing, self-aware and extremely talented. Just thought some positivity was in order..

52:40 – Timberlake is killin’ it.

53:00 – I wish I could pull off wearing a hat like JT. Too bad I wear a size 7 5/8 and when I try I look like a grizzly bear wearing a beanie.

54:30 – Gaga, Miley, Kanye, take note. This is talent.

59:33 – Taylor/Selena screenshot #5. Timberlake has them all sorts of worked-up.

1:00:31 – Taylor/Selena screenshot #6. Selena stoic, Taylor appears to be doing The Watusi.

1:00:47 – Taylor/Selena screenshot #7. Selena smiling, Taylor has switched to The Twist and she’s watching herself dance on the big screen.

101:49 – OMG! N’SYNC REUNION! N’SYNC REUNION!

Electric.

102:22 – Apparently Gaga has chosen to watch the rest of the show from the audience. In her seashell bra and thong. Gotta respect that.

103:28 – Wait. N’Sync is done? That was fast. Guess Chris Kirkpatrick had to get back to the Sack ‘n Save.

105:08 – Taylor/Selena . . . ah, screw this. It’s getting repetitive.

1:07:41 – Timberlake was on for over 16-minutes. Gaga seems to like him, as did Rihanna. However, the person who appeared to be most smitten was Jimmy Fallon. Seriously.

1:16:24 –  Some guy named McLemore is rapping with some girl I don’t recognize. His lyrics seem almost, dare I say, enlightened? I sort of like this cat.

1:26:00 – Drake is on stage. Not impressed.

1:34:19 – Bruno Mars just won something and sang a song. Bruno Mars is a tiny little man.

Bruno pre-show.

1:51:47 – That kid from Third Rock from the Sun is announcing the big “Video of the Year” award. Why is he doing it? Apparently he’s a big-time actor or something now. His name is Joseph Gordon-Levitt? I could not care less, I’m getting a headache.

1:52:58 – Timberlake won the big award. Big shocker there. The best part is he just crushed Taylor Swift’s soul.

1:55:00 – The BIG FINALE. Katy Perry, who I sorta like because her songs are catchy and she’s cute, is singing in front of the Brooklyn Bridge. In a boxing ring. Wearing boxing attire. And she’s jumping rope. In addition, I wore those very socks in 1974.

Bengals bra?

2:00 – Thankfully, it’s all over.

Well, that’s 2-hours of my life that I can never, ever, get back. I would have preferred 2-hours of R.E.M., The Eels, The Avett Brothers, Carbon Leaf, Blue October, Teenage Fanclub, Paul Westerberg, and Breaking Benjamin. But what the hell, that’s never gonna happen.

The cold hard truth is that my musical tastes are in no way in line with that of today’s music consumer.

Thank you God.

But seriously, what the hell happened to Hannah Montana?

That tongue again. Ugh.

VMAs, Part 2

As many of you may remember, my review of last year’s VMA Awards was a blockbuster blog of epic proportions. You can review that review, along with my observations on Miley Cyrus and her ilk, by clicking here. You won’t regret it.

So due to popular demand and public outcry, I felt I must review this year’s VMA Awards. Trust me, I’m doing this as a service to you, my loyal followers, and for no other reason. As always, I shall maintain my blogging integrity throughout, giving you my honest impressions of the goings-on and shenanigans I witness.

As I did last year, I’ll give a minute-by-minute breakdown of the proceedings. After a deep breath, let us begin . . .

8:00pm – To open the show, somebody has walked onto the stage in a sparkly bikini, although the bottoms look like grandma panties. There are dancers in heavy make-up, many apparently dressed as plants of some sort.

8:01pm – They just showed a shot of Kim Kardashian in the audience, sitting with her two younger sisters. Too bad these kids can’t get any publicity.

Asses sell. End of story.

8:02pm – The person in the sparkly bikini (Nicki Minaj?), just laid down on the stage and simulated intercourse with one of her female dancers. The crowd seems to like this. This is followed by the entire dance troupe, and Nicki, dry-humping the stage. Artsy.

Sigh,

8:03pm – Twerking. Lots of twerking. On a related note, my laptop must be way out of touch. It’s not recognizing twerking as an actual word.

8:04pm – 4-minutes in, and already I long for a simpler time.

8:05pm – Two women have taken the stage and I promise you I have zero idea who they are. The crowd is going wild. Nicki has joined them. The only thing I know for certain is that there is no melody to be heard.

8:06pm – Woop! I recognize somebody! The Dogfather, Snoop Dogg, is on the stage! SNOOP! I love Snoop. Gwen Stefani is with him. I feel redeemed. Somewhat. By the way, Snoop is making a white t-shirt, cardigan and jeans look cool.

8:07pm – Snoop just referred to Gwen Stefani as the Queen of Punk Rock. W-h-a-a-a-t? Somewhere, Patti Smith* is shaking her head in disgust. As am I.

*Google her, ya idjuts.

8:09pm – Katy Perry just won something. I must say she looks rather fetching. I like Katy Perry.

8:09pm – People keep yelling “Jeah!” Or Jey-uh!” I can’t be sure.

8:15pm – Taylor Swift has been introduced. Thank God. At least I can watch an innocent country girl sing a tune now.

Taylor. What happened?

8:15pm – WHAT THE HELL? Oh, for the love of God. I take it Taylor has ditched the country scene, as it were?

8:18pm – Miley Cyrus audience shot. She appears to be on heroin. Or appalled by Taylor like the rest of us.

8:20pm – To further prove that I’m completely out of touch with modern music, somebody named Ed Sheeran just won an award. He looks like what Opie would have looked like had he grown up, left Mayberry, become addicted to crystal meth, and turned into a male prostitute. That is all.

8:26pm – Hey-O! Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels have taken the stage! Two guys in my age group! They look sort of lost, possibly because nobody in the crowd knows who they are.

8:29pm – A tiny little person named Ariana Grande won a big award, and this is literally the first time I’ve heard her name uttered by a human being. Jim Carrey handed her the award, and I’d bet my last dollar he’s never heard of her either.

8:31pm – Sam Smith is singing. Yeah, me either. Let’s move along.

8:45pm – Some comedian named Jay Pharoah has bombed repeatedly throughout the show. Just awful.

8:47pm – Usher has been introduced, and apparently he’s reached icon status behind my back. I had no idea. He did a nice robot on stage, however. Well played Ush.

8:59pm – Lorde just won something. I’m not familiar, but she’s very pasty looking and seemed very fidgety. I saw Keith Richards acting the same way in 1973, which was later explained in his autobiography and by the Albuquerque Police Department in their arrest report.

Not awful.

9:05pm – 5 Seconds of Summer has taken the stage, and I must admit they’re not horrible. They’re four kids from Australia clearly influenced by Green Day and other 90’s punk-pop bands. Tolerable.

9:14pm – Fifth Harmony just won something. They seem thrilled. I swear I never heard of them until 30-seconds ago, although they apparently have fans called “Harmonizers.” Seriously. In addition, I have lost all touch with modern music, and I am in no way saddened by this revelation. On a positive note, the cameras cut to 5 Seconds of Summer in the audience and they seemed disgusted. Perhaps there’s hope after all.

9:24pm – Iggy Azalea has arrived. On the all-time list of Iggys, she ranks a distant third behind Iggy Pop and that comic strip dude. Wait. That’s Ziggy. Never mind. On a related note, I swear she’s had butt implants. I ask you seriously, who likes booties that fat? When I was young ladies tried to avoid that sort of chunkiness. Just an observation. Perhaps my time has passed.

9:32pm – Maroon 5 was just introduced and praised for their “catchy hooks” and “soaring vocals.” Really? And by the way, I guarantee you that not one person reading this can name another Maroon 5 member besides Adam Levine. Go ahead. Name one. You can’t.

9:37pm – Jimmy Fallon has arrived and is yammering on about something. I like Jimmy, but at 40-years old he’s hopelessly out of his element here. As am I.

9:38pm – Audience shot of that Grande chick. She has no idea who Jimmy Fallon is.

9:40pm – The Video of the Year (videos still exist?) goes to Miley Cyrus for “Wrecking Ball” and she has brought a so-called homeless dude to the stage to accept. This is in no way a gratuitous and self-serving act on Miley’s part. Then again, it probably beats dry-humping Robin Thicke, which is what she did last year. Keep being you, Hanna Montana.

Note: Somebody did some research. Not homeless.

9:46pm – Beyoncé (or “Bey” as the kids call her) is on stage! OMIGOD! And there’s flames and fog and all sorts of things! Is it just me or do her songs have no melody? I swear they don’t. It’s all twerking and humping and whatnot. Just imagine how good Bob Dylan would have been had he twerked and grinded and stuff. He could’ve been way better. Anyway, have I mentioned I’m not a Bey fan? And ladies and gentlemen, that is the finale. Sigh.

10:00pm – And it’s over. Jay-Z has taken the stage to join Beyoncé, and he has pronounced her to be “The Greatest Living Entertainer.” Sorry Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Elton John, and the rest of you living has-beens.

Good God. I need a nap.