Archive for January, 2014

This is the fourth in a series of stories about the myriad of injuries I suffered as a kid. It seems like I had more than my share of knockouts, bloodshed and other various and sundry calamities. Today’s entry once again includes a familiar childhood friend . . .

One time my buddy Ted (yeah, him again) and I found some old beer bottles in a ditch or somewhere. After checking to see if there was any booze left, we got the bright idea to pretend to be cowboys in a saloon fight. Hey, we’d seen the TV westerns where guys were just getting clobbered left and right with bottles that would shatter upon impact. We flipped a coin, and Ted got to go first.

We pretended to fight, then I saw Ted rear back to let me have it. I saw the bottle coming . . . and then everything went black.

Turns out those bottles on TV aren’t real, and it takes a lot of force to actually break a beer bottle over a human’s head, at least in 1967. Hence, the bottle remained intact and I went down like a sack of lug nuts.

At least Ted tried to help. What did he do, you ask? The same thing he saw cowboys do on TV – he ran to the garage, got a bucket, filled it with water and threw it in my face.

Turns out that actually works.

Anywho, I sat up, shook it off, and got on with my life. And we were smart enough not to try it again on Ted, so perhaps we did have a few brain cells in our craniums.

Nah. Probably not.

Advertisements

Cantore. Pretty tough for a munchkin. Seriously, I saw him in the Outer Banks once. He’s literally 5′-5″. Anyway, never bum rush Jim Cantore.  You’ll pay for it.

Cantore

Oh God.

I absolutely hate those singers that put all their own “embroidery” on our National Anthem. Enough with the vocal gymnastics, just sing it straight, damn it! Anyway, if you haven’t seen SNL’s Maya Rudolph make fun of those people you’re in for a treat. I literally can’t get through it without laughing out loud. Enjoy.

Many of you have heard me talk about Montserrat, and some of you got to meet the players on my basketball team from the island when they came to Ohio in the Fall of 2010. Here’s a video I came across that gives a pretty good overview of the little island country that I love. It speaks of the volcano I looked into in 1995, less than 36-hours before it erupted for the first time in recorded history. Can’t wait to get back, and I will soon!

Check it out!

Vintage.

Snow 1, Pug 0

Posted: January 30, 2014 in Animals, Humor, Pets
Tags:

Dogs, much like people, react differently to cold weather. Being a big dog guy I’m always asking other dog lovers how their pooches have reacted to the extreme weather of the past couple weeks.

I’ve already written about Sparky’s penchant for using the rotating paw system while walking on the freezing roads. Spark’s problem is that he’s extremely selective about where he uses the bathroom, so he’ll brave hell and high water to get to the perfect spot when nature’s really calling.

Other dogs? Not so much.

One friend of mine carries his Spitz out to a spot he’s dug free of the snow, another uses those piddle pads so his Beagle can go right there in the bathroom.

And then there’s a Pug I know that goes by the name of Pug. You know, sort of like the ape on George of the Jungle, which was named Ape. Anyway, I was told that the first day it got really, really cold Pug was let out to do his business. Apparently his normal spot was down over the hill, but this day was different.

Pug walked a few feet out the door, the cold hit him, and he just fell over.

Quit.

Gave up.

Surrendered himself to the Snow Gods.

Seriously, it was simply too much for him. He just hit the ground, prepared to die, waving the white flag as he yielded to the arctic conditions.

Fortunately his dad Joe was there to perform a heroic rescue mission, risk life and limb, and carry him the entire 8 1/2 feet back to the safety of the house.

For some reason I find this hilarious. The sight of Pug just hanging it up right there cracks me up.

Anyway, stay strong young Pug named Pug. It’s not even February yet.

So the Holy Father and a couple kids released some Doves of Peace at The Vatican a couple days ago and all hell broke loose. The doves were immediately attacked by a seagull and a black crow, which is certainly some sign from the heavens. Gotta be, right? A signal of the upcoming apocalypse or something? I mean, if that crow’s not satanic I don’t know what is.

On a related note, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

1

So here’s the deal. My old friend Larry Chapman wants to accompany me on my Route 661 trip and recreate an excursion he took back in the 60’s. I suggested renting a ’55 T-Bird, putting the top down on that bad boy, and rolling across America.

Problem is, Larry (Chopper) has expressed concerns about being uncomfortable riding shotgun in a T-Bird, so I have a surprise for him.

1

Roomy Chopper!

I plan on getting a motorcycle with one of those sidecars for Chopper to ride in. It’ll be perfect. His beard can flow majestically in the wind. I’ll even pitch in and buy him some cool goggles and one of those funky Prussian Army helmets with the pointy thing on top. Everyone who knows us both can picture it, right?

We can be like the two guys in Easy Rider. I can be Peter Fonda and Chopper can be Dennis Hopper. Hopefully we won’t be shotgunned down in the end but that’s not likely, right?1

This is going to be awesome. Of course, Chopper will have to hold Sparky but I’m sure he won’t mind.

Note to self: Get Sparky goggles and helmet. 

So keep this to yourself, kids. I want it to be a surprise.

Stay tuned! Another Bucket List item will soon be checked off my list!

News bloopers, always comedy gold.

Posted: January 29, 2014 in Bloopers, Humor, TV
Tags:

Best of January 2014!

How in the world could we get to 2014 without somebody inventing Pizza Perfume? I mean really. Seems like a no brainer, doesn’t it? Wait. Has anybody invented Bacon Perfume? I need the number of that patent office ASAP.

Anyway, Pizza Perfume!

1

Just beautiful lyrics.

I know who I got, kids. I’ll take #461. Badass fo shizzle.

1

1

When I clean the house I always have my music blaring, and today I had my tunes on shuffle. I’ve always been sort of proud of the variety of my musical tastes, so today I decided that I was going to write down the first 10-songs that played, no matter who or how bizarre they were, and tell you about them, just for the hell of it. Why? Because I can. Here are the first 10-songs that randomly came on among thousands of possibilities, and you can click on the song titles to hear the tune.

  1. Radio Free Europe – REM. This is an early REM song, from way back in 1983. I love early REM. If you’re a fan of REM only after they recorded “Stand” or “Losing My Religion” you’re missing out.
  2. Hey Hey My My (Live) – Neil Young. One of my favorite songs, period. Neil at his finest.
  3. Someone to Pull the Trigger – Matthew Sweet. Matthew Sweet has always been a favorite of mine, and this song about looking for love is a great one.
  4. Heading for the Light – The Traveling Wilburys. I have The Wilbury’s complete collection, which is only 2-albums, but damn were they good. Dylan, Harrison, Petty, Lynne and Orbison (on the 1st album) were simply stellar together. Now THIS was a super group.
  5. Nowhere Man – The Beatles. Well, whaddaya know? Of the thousands of songs that could’ve popped up, my favorite song of all-time played. Lennon must be behind this. Thanks John!
  6. Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head – The Might Be Giants. Ah, an early TMBG’s staple. Love this song. Give it a listen and tell me what you think it’s about.
  7. Serenade for Strings 4. Finale – Tchaikovsky. Big fan of Tchaikovsky here. Big fan. I also like Beethoven and Verdi but not as much. Seriously, close your eyes and give it a listen. Great music to dust the living room to. If you don’t get a little chill at the 7:00 mark something’s wrong with you.
  8. Stephanie Says – Velvet Underground. Weird but this seemed to follow Tchaikovsky perfectly. No idea why, but maybe it’s just me. In my opinion VU might have just been the very first alt band.
  9. New Jersey Girl – Nerf Herder. I absolutely love Nerf Herder and consider them to be better than Weezer and the rest of the tongue-in-cheek alt rockers of the mid-90’s. Just a quirky, funny, intelligent band. Click the link to see what I mean.
  10. Real Real Gone – Van Morrison. I’ve always been a huge fan of Van the Man, the king of blue-eyed soul (sorry Righteous Brothers and Daryl Hall). And you can’t listen to this song with out bobbing your head and tapping your foot.

Again, no clue why I did this, but maybe it’s because I haven’t talked about music for awhile, who knows.

I hope you clicked on the links, because I will quiz you when I see you.

Hilarity.

These guys crack me up.

So damn good.

So a few days ago I’m going through my weekly Sparky vs. The Sweeper Ritual, in which SparkPV2Spark attempts to assassinate my new Lightweight Hoover Nano Cyclonic ($79.99 at The Walmart). Sparky is convinced the sweeper is after his toys, so an all-out war takes place every time I attempt the simple task of cleaning my own damn house.  Hence, my new sweeper now looks as if it’s been in a fight to the death with an 18-foot Nile Crocodile. When the hostilities end (which basically consists of me turning off the sweeper),  Sparky always thinks he’s won. Hence, I then have to witness him prancing around the house like a pint-sized canine gladiator who just took down Cyclops or something.

Good Lord.

Anyway, that’s not the point of this story. After The Battle with the Sweeper from Hell, I took Spark out for a walk. It was around 3 degrees that day, weather The Spark hates. Since he’s so well-behaved I rarely put him on a leash anymore unless we’re in a public place with a lot of people, so he was free to roam. As he’s strutting up the street in front of me as only Spark can strut, I notice something . . .

Sparky was rotating his feet to keep one of them off the ground at all times. What the hell, you say? Seriously, Spark would go through the following routine:

  • His back left foot would be off the ground as he ran, safe from the freezing ground, hopping on his right back foot and running normally with his two front feet.
  • Then he’d switch to lifting his back right foot, running on the other three.
  • Then he’d repeat this process with his two front feet.

I noticed he’d rotate raising his feet accordingly, back left, back right, front left, front right, over and over until we got back inside.

I’ve always hated people who dress their dogs in people clothes, but I really need to look into getting Sparky some boots.

And you know, maybe one of those coats they have at PetSmart. And maybe a neck scarf. I wouldn’t want his neck to get cold. Something tasteful of course.

And would some ear muffs be out of the question?

1

Yes, they exist.

Good stuff.

With a smidge of scary.

And by makeover we mean a new head. The nightmarish pelican, named Pierre, has been frightening children and adult alike since he was unveiled on October 30th. The much maligned bird has been ridiculed from the get-go, mainly because of his frightening appearance and for the small fact that he looks nothing like a pelican. Something had to be done. No word on what will happen to that offensive noggin, but I suggest something involving fire. Take a look, for he shall be gone soon . . .

He’s coming for your children.

I feel ya, kid.