Archive for the ‘Fights’ Category

You’ve all heard many a story about a little dog called The Spark. He’s battled coyotes, squirrels, horseflies, spiders, sweepers, the occasional hobo, and a lady in a power suit. Little dude is fearless, and he proved it again today.

Sparky and I welcomed a new addition to our family a few weeks ago, a little Maltipoo named Lilly that needed a home. Sparky has welcomed Lilly with open paws (ok, he does have to let her know who’s boss every now and then) and for the most part it’s been smooth transition. Whenever we’re around other dogs Sparky makes it clear that he’s Lilly’s protector, always staying between her and any potential danger.

Which brings me to our latest adventure . . .

Today I took Sparky and Lilly to a local state park, a place with a huge lake and plenty of room to run around. As I pulled into the parking lot near the dam I noticed a large American Black Vulture sitting there. It had its wings outstretched and it was massive. It had to have a wingspan of close to 6-feet and of course had one of those hairless heads and nasty looking hooked beak. I’d read about these creatures before and knew how mean they could be. Just recently I’d read this in the Louisville Courier-Journal:

They’ll devour slimy newborn calves, full-grown ewes and lambs alive by pecking them to death.

First the eyes, then the tongue, then every last shred of flesh. 

Yeah, so I knew I needed to keep an eye out, and especially up.

As we parked it flew away, but not before Sparky had spotted it and gave a low, gutteral growl. Not much gets past The Spark, man.

I got out of the car first, just to have a look around and scan the skies. I mean, I was pretty sure we’d scared the beast off but better safe than sorry, especially where my dogs are concerned. Plus, I figured no flesh eating bird in its right mind would swoop down with a human standing right there.

All was clear.

The pups hopped out and started doing their thing, trotting around and sniffing everything in sight. I made sure to stay close, especially to Lilly. After all, Spark is 22-pounds, experienced and a badass, but Lilly weighs probably 8-pounds and wouldn’t know danger if it stared her in the face. Spark was about 20-feet to my left, Lilly no more than 15-feet in front of me.

And then it happened.

First I thought Sparky had spotted a squirrel or rabbit and was making a mad dash for it. He was heading straight ahead so I thought he’d fly past Lilly in his hot pursuit. Then, out of the corner of my eye I saw it – the damn vulture was making a dive at Lilly.

For a brief instant I thought Sweet Lilly was a goner. What flashed through my brain was that poor little girl, who’s already been through so much, being carried off to be eaten alive by that winged monster.

Fortunately, somebody wasn’t going to let that happen, and that somebody was Sparky.

Not on my watch, you flying freak.

I promise you that behemoth was 20-feet up and diving as The Spark made his charge, growling and barking like a dog possessed. He leaped up and I swear, for just a split second, that I thought he was going to make contact. Instead, the beast made an excellent life choice – it got the hell out of there.

And as the big bird rose and flew away, Sparky gave chase, looking up and growling as he ran. I’m telling you that dog would still be giving chase had I not ordered him to come back.

Lilly? She was standing under me, shaking, and did so until Spark trotted back and they nuzzled noses together.

And as we walked back to the car, Sparky constantly the skies, ever watchful.

In retrospect, Lilly tore a toenail a couple days ago. It’s being treated but she’s still limping pretty badly. I believe the Black Vulture saw that and estimated Lilly was easy prey.

What it underestimated was the furry ball of protective fury they call The Spark.

I gotchu, girl.

 

 

Note: This is not intended to frighten or make light of anyone or anything. It is written in jest. Satire if you will. Chill. We must keep our senses of humor. That said, if you’re easily offended turn back now . . .

Although apprehensive, I talked myself into venturing out into the masses this morning, just a quick in-and-out at the local superstore as it opened for some essentials. Figured I’d get there early to beat the pandemic crowd. Hey, I figured what the hell? What could it hurt? As long as I avoid eye contact with humans and don’t touch anyone I should be ok. I’ll wash my hands when I get home! I mean, how bad could it get?

The answer, of course, is really really bad.

The first sign of trouble was in the parking lot. It was full. After scoring a spot, however, I approached the main entrance. The second sign of trouble was the twenty-something male that ran past me screaming, “Don’t go in there man! DON’T GO IN THERE!

And then, I felt it before I saw it. The panic and anxiety emanating from the store was palpable, alive, actually oozing from the entrance.

As I walked hesitantly into the store, I saw a scene that could only be described as total and utter chaos. Middle-aged women snarling and snapping at each other, grown men weeping, old men in obvious catatonic states, and frightened children in various stages of shock.

It was a scene from a horror movie. Cries of anguish everywhere, people sweating, and wild-eyed shoppers attempting to grab that last 24-Pack of Mega Ultra-Strong Charmin toilet paper rolls.

Immediately sensing impending doom, or at the very least being crushed by a 300-pound Vinton Countian bent on grabbing that last Purell Advanced Hand Sanitizer, I made an executive decision. Scram. Hightail it out of there. Run for my life.

I vamoosed.

As I did, from the corner of my eye I saw a Meat Clerk stealthily crawling into the relative safety of an empty industrail sized box of Tyson 100% All-Natural Pork Butts.

In Aisle 11, women were having a 3-way tug-of-war over a can of Bruce’s Canned Yams.

Over near the pharmacy, a lady in her upper 80’s dropped a much-younger counterpart with a vicious atomic elbow.

Somewhere, a store greeter wailed in the distance.

Although it can’t be confirmed, there were reports of a woman being beaten over the head with a can of Campbell’s Chunky Grilled Chicken & Sausage Gumbo.

It was a scene these eyes shall never forget, because well, some things simply cannot be unseen. The degradation, the greed, the overindulgence, the hoarding, the . . . smell.

It was too much for me.

As I staggered out into the light of day and breathed in the fresh air, I could only count my blessings that I’d survived the mayhem that I’d witnessed.

Imprinted upon my brain is a vision of a young father I’d seen near the store exit as I was making my escape. Our eyes met, albeit ever so briefly, and they haunt me still. I believe I saw his hand reach out to me, but alas, I could not turn back, mainly because I could not touch his hand.

I wonder still if he made it out alive, or if he’s still in there with his wife and children, searching for that last case of FitCrunch Whey Protein Bars.

I guess I’ll never know.

PS- Again, none of this actually happened. I’m kidding.

Looks like it might hurt.

Not Going Big Enough

Posted: December 11, 2019 in Classroom, Fights, Humor, Kids
Tags:

For some reason this memory popped into my head the other day . . .

Many a year ago I began my career teaching a Reading class to junior high students. I had a 7th grader named Max that was also on the junior high football team I coached at the time. Max was a good kid, a bit of a badass, and a helluva football player as well. Just as fearless and tough as they come but with a heart of gold.

To my surprise, during lunch one day Max walked into my class with tears in his eyes. Here’s the conversation that transpired:

Me: “What’s wrong man? You OK?”

Max: “Not really. A fifth grader was picking on my brother, who is in 3rd grade. I told him to leave my brother alone. Anyway, he said I was too big to be picking on him and he was going to get someone bigger to beat me up. He got a sophomore.”

Me: “Ah man, I’m sorry. Are you afraid?”

Max: “No, it’s not that. He didn’t go big enough. The guy’s down in the bathroom on the floor. You need to go check on him.”

Sure enough, there sitting on the floor of the bathroom was a sophomore with a bloody nose and knots all over his head. Seems the 5th grader had indeed “not gone big enough.”

Sometimes the narrator makes a video substantially better. This is one such video.

Good boy Monster. Good boy.

You guys know how much I love these nature videos. Animals just being animals like you read about. The Battle at Kruger was amazing, and I’ll post it below. This second one features a lone Water Buffalo being attacked by a Lion, fleeing to the river for safety, getting attacked by a Croc, heading back to land only to be attacked by the whole damn pride. The Lions were being real badasses until the cavalry showed up, as you shall see. Nature, man. Never gets old.

Here’s Battle at Kruger Part 1. Wait for it.

Check it out, man. A big ass shark goes after a good boy but didn’t count on the pup’s homeboys putting on the bum rush and beating the hell out of him. At last report that shark was in hiding, embarrassed by the ass-whipping and afraid to show his shark face among his shark friends.

PS- On a related note, dogs, man. You come at one you come at them all. Badass.

Newshub – Dressed only in his underwear, an Australian man has heroically chased down a man who was attempting to rob his house.

Kym Ambrook was asleep in his Adelaide home on Monday, when the sound of floorboards creaking woke him up at 4am. When he went to investigate the noise, he found a home intruder. Despite being underdressed, Ambrook chased the man out of his home and yelled for his neighbours to help. ”I was out there in all me glory – I did notice I run faster naked,” he said through laughter.

Once the men had trapped the invader, Ambrook sprinted back home to grab a defense. He returned armed with a didgeridoo and a torch and held the robber until the authorities arrived. 

Nothing quite says batshit crazy like a didgeridoo and a torch, huh? That’s a fight you aren’t winning. You can come at me with an uzi, a shotgun, a machete, even a bazooka, but if you come at me with a didgeridoo and a torch I’m tucking tail and getting out of Dodge. I mean, what was Kym Ambrook going to do, beat the guy to a pulp and then set him on fire? I’m thinking that yes, he was. Best think twice before you try and rob Kym Ambrook. Australians, man.

PS- If you heard the name Kym Ambrook you’d never expect that bro, would you? Looks more like a Bubba Jackson or something.

PPS- If you don’t think I’m ordering a didgeridoo online today you’re out of your gourd.

I swear that dude just came out of nowhere. I didn’t even see him in the video until he jumped up and choked the living bejesus out of that poor bully. Just put him to sleep like you read about, then tossed him to the floor like yesterday’s trash. You also have to love the guy who uses his bike to defend himself. That’s a heady move, man. Finally, I love the commentary from the guy filming: “Dayum. Daaaaayum. Daaaaaaaaaaayum!” Good stuff.

“There’s nothin’ like a nice piece of hickory.”

So yeah, Russia Slap Fighting looks fun.


Boy, bad day for the big cats, huh? First a mountain lion gets murdered by a human and now an 80-pound leopard gets its ass kicked by a 20-pound Honey Badger. That’s just embarrassing, man. Get it together, large cats. You’re better’n at.

Exercising in the wilderness always comes with its share of risks, but one Colorado man got far more than he bargained for when a mountain lion attacked him during a trail run earlier this week. The unidentified man suffered serious injuries in the attack, but managed to escape with his life thanks to his decision to fight back.

As the Coloradoan reports, the man was running in Horsetooth Mountain Park when he was attacked from behind by what park staff identified as a mountain lion. The big cat bit the man’s face and arm but he was able to shake himself loose, at which point he strangled the lion.

The animal suffocated and died, and the man sought immediate medical attention for his injuries. Wildlife officials note that the man’s response was appropriate and a good example of how you might be able to save yourself from an animal attack under the right circumstances. “The runner did everything he could to save his life,” Mark Leslie of Colorado Parks and Wildlife said in a statement. “In the event of a lion attack, you need to do anything in your power to fight back.”

Feeling like a badass because you flipped off that 85-year old dude who cut you off in traffic today? Maybe bullied the teenage grocery bagger at Piggly Wiggly because he put your eggs in with the d-CON? Listen, I hate to tell you this bro but until you murder a mountain lion with your bare hands you’re an amateur. And hey, I’m sure glad Mark Leslie of Colorado Parks and Recreations gave us valuable information on how to defend ourselves against mountain lions – fight the hell back. You know, as opposed to lying back and letting a razor-toothed killing machine eat you alive. Solid advice right there. Bottom line, whoever the hell this guy is he now has the greatest pick-up line of all-time:

“Hey, how’d you get those scars?”

“Ah, it wasn’t much. A mountain lion attacked me and I killed it with my bare hands.”

PS- It had to be Steven Seagal out for a run, right? Had to be. Maybe Liam Neeson.

PPS- The guy who killed the mountain lion said he needs to decompress and decide if he will go public. Countdown until he makes all the TV rounds. 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .

 

I hate myself for that title right now. Anywho, there was a brouhaha, a kerfuffle if you will, at the Rockets-Lakers game the other night, and guess who wanted a piece of Rocket Chris Paul? None other than Red Hot Chili Pepper Anthony Keidis, who went after Houston’s point guard with a flurry of profanity as he was ushered off the court. His buddy and bandmate Flea, who was sitting with him, stayed out of the fray. Keidis was tossed too, but no

t before shooting Paul an aggressive and ill-intentioned bird. Good times, man.

PS- I just posted this because I wanted to write that title.

Gif reminded me of Jif and now I’m craving a peanut better sandwich. Damn it.

[click on the pic to scroll through the hilarity]

Careful, kids. Think it through. V-e-r-y interesting.

From Florida, of course:

A man says he was letting his dog outside in Florida when a large black bear attacked him.

Andrew Meunier tells local news outlets that he let his dog out of his home about 11 p.m. Tuesday and spotted the 4-foot bear standing next to him when he stepped outside. He said he struggled to get away and managed to get back through his front door. A 911 call revealed that Meunier suffered a minor facial laceration from the bear attack. He sought treatment at a local hospital and received 41 stitches.

“I’m just happy to be alive,” Meunier said. “It could’ve been a totally different story.”

Please. A 4-foot bear is large? People in Canada, Alaska, Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho are laughing their asses off right now. Also some people in Ohio and this guy for sure. Hell, an 11-year old is 4-feet tall. Give me a break. Also Andrew Meunier, where was your dog when this happened? Did he run off like his owner? Sparky would’ve taken a 4-foot bear down in mere seconds. Just ask that coyote he tangled with a couple years ago. Floridians, man.

PS- That dude looks like Ben Roethlisberger after yesterday’s game with the Jaguars.

There’s just so much to love about this video. The midget, the Santa referee, the girl elf, Culkin with rabbit ears, the crowd chanting “Home Alone!”, and finally Culkin pulling out his old marble and bucket movie tricks to win the match. Too good, man. And hey, not to mention the fact that Macaulay Culkin took part in a wrestling match in a conference room somewhere. Just internet gold. Hell, I was waiting for Joe Pesci to enter the fray.

PS- Why Culkin didn’t scream, “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!” before clubbing that dude with the bucket is beyond my comprehension.

PPS- I’m 99% sure that midget pointed at Macaulay Culkin and yelled, “Come on you f**cker!” Doesn’t get much better than that.

Source – Liam Neeson left many of his fans disappointed after saying he’s done making thrillers. Neeson said in a new interview that he plans to stop even though it’s hard to turn down the lucrative offers he gets thanks to his box-office success in the three “Taken” films, as well as other thrillers. Neeson believes he’s simply getting too old to be an action hero.

“The thrillers, that was all a pure accident,” said Neeson. “They’re still throwing serious money at me to do that stuff. I’m like, ‘Guys I’m sixty-f–king-five.’ Audiences are eventually going to go, ‘Come on.’” Neeson still has two upcoming revenge thrillers he’s already shot, “Hard Powder,” in which he plays a snowplow driver who faces off with drug dealers, and “The Commuter,” with director Jaume Collet-Serra. But, Neeson said, those will be his last.

Well, if that’s not the worst damn news I’ve heard in years. How the hell can we live without Liam freakin’ Neeson doing action revenge films, man? In this genre Neeson makes Vin Diesel look like a 4th grade punk who gets his lunch money stolen daily. Hell, that description of his upcoming movie alone got me all worked up with anticipation. Liam Neeson as a snowplow driver who faces off with drug dealers? Sold man. Sold to the max. Nobody wants to see you playing some grandpa, Liam, so say it ain’t so man.

 

(Source)El Debate reported that farmer Miguel Anaya Pablo, 60, died from an infection caused by the wounds he suffered during a brawl with his pig Nicolas. Miguel returned home drunk from a party and somehow begun fighting with the pig, which he kept in his home. The animal managed to bite his testicles and severe three fingers of his right hand, and he was rushed to hospital. However, he later died due to an infection in the wounds.

Listen, I don’t know the history here. Perhaps there had been tension brewing between Miguel Anaya Pablo and Nicolas for some time and emotions finally boiled (or fried) over. Maybe Miguel came home that night and finally stepped over the line. All I know is that the minute he decided to throw down with a pig he was doomed. Pigs are diabolical, man. They have a low center of gravity and are hard to knock off their pig feet. And pigs will do whatever it takes to win, including biting off your testicles.

Note: Nothing will stop a fight quicker than the “biting off the testicles” move. Nothing.

A Toledo man, Noel E. Dawson Jr., pleaded not guilty today in Toledo Municipal Court to chasing a family member with a hatchet.

Mr. Dawson is accused of chasing a family member Sunday with a hatchet. Prosecutors allege he swung the hatchet at the man, but struck his truck instead — leaving a large dent in the hood, according to a complaint filed in Toledo Municipal Court.

When Mr. Dawson was arrested, he refused to give the officer any of his information and rather just shouted obscenities, court records show. 

OK, before I criticize Noel E. Dawson Jr. I have to know the all facts here. I mean, maybe this family member stole his Cheez Whiz sandwich or something. Hey, there are valid reasons for chasing a family member with a hatchet, ya know? Secondly, there’s nothing worse than missing a family member with a hatchet and hitting your truck, huh? That sucks. Finally, if there was ever a man that would chase a family member with a hatchet it’s the guy in that photo up there. That’s just glorious.

Listen, I’m 99% sure most of the people in this video are wasted on Dandelion Wine or something, but bottom line this bro battles the odds like a mofo and comes out on top. People grabbing boards, throwing fists, it means nothing to this badass. Better come harder than that to put this dude on the ground. Kudos, my man. Kudos. On a related note, I’m positive the guy who took that first roundhouse punch is is dead. My man was pulling ninja moves like a boss.

Gurkha soldiers.

Ever heard of the Gurkhas? No? Well, here at Shoe: Untied my crack staff is committed to educating our readers on literally everything, from sports to politics to history to asshat parkers. Hey, we’re here for y’all. Just broadening your world horizons if you will.

Here are four stories about Gurkha bravery and courage. Read on, loyal readers, and be amazed . . .

In 1815, the British Army tried to conquer Nepal. However, the Nepal’s Gurkha Warriors had something to say about that, and what they said was “No freaking way, British pansies.” They easily defeated the British. So the British officers decided that, if they couldn’t beat them, they’d get the Gurkhas to join them. A peace agreement ceased all British fighting in Nepal, and the Gurkhas agreed to be recruited into the Crown’s military. Since then, the Gurkhas have fought in several wars, including both world wars and the Falklands War. Known as some of the most skilled and fiercest warriors in the world, the Gurkhas have terrified the bejesus out of everyone around them. Want some examples of Gurkha badassness, you say? You got it, kids. What follows are some of the bravest soldiers and stories to ever come out of the Gurkha ranks.

In 2010 in Afghanistan, Sergeant Dipprasad Pun single-handedly fought off 30 Taliban soldiers. As Pun was keeping guard on the roof of a checkpoint, the attackers came at the complex from all sides with rocket-propelled grenades and AK-47s.

It took less than 60-minutes for Pun to kill them all.

He went through all of his ammo—400-rounds and 17-grenades, as well as a mine that he detonated—to defeat each attacker. A Taliban soldier climbed up to the roof, only to be clubbed over the head with a machine-gun tripod by Pun.

Bad. Ass.

In WWII, Rifleman Lachhiman Gurung was stationed in a trench with only two other men when attacked by over 200-Japanese soldiers. Gurung’s comrades were all severely wounded. As grenades flew in one after another, Gurung started throwing them back.

He was successful with the first two, but the third exploded in his right hand. His fingers were blown off and his face, body, and right arm and leg were badly wounded.

As the Japanese stormed the trench, Gurung used his left hand to wield his rifle, killing 31-soldiers and preventing the Japanese from advancing.

Gurung survived.

This makes me very happy.

cccocky

maid

No remorse, man.

*And by minor transgressions I mean insane, batshit crazy transgressions. Read on . . .

Brian and Jennifer Butler got married and all was beautiful. It was their special day. They had their cake and first dance. Then the Maid of Honor, Amanda Willis, started drinking. Here’s the awesome story of the Maid of Dishonor . . .

A maid of honor was arrested and faces numerous charges after she allegedly drank too much, got into a car and nearly hit the best man at a wedding reception in Charlotte County, Florida, television station WBBH in Fort Myers reported on Tuesday.

The ceremony was described as beautiful, but when the reception kicked off, guests said the maid of honor, Amanda Willis, got drunk, according to WBBH.

“She was a mess. She drank almost a whole entire bottle of Fireball,” said one guest, Robert Templeton.

The bride told the station Willis “was drunk” within 20-minutes.

 Willis started asking people for their keys, according to those in attendance.

“She just went up to the best man and grabbed his keys out of his pocket and jumped in his car,” said Templeton.

Willis backed out and almost hit the best man — Brian Butler’s brother, who grabbed on to the car, the station reported.

“She took off, and his feet were dragging across the ground. He had to hit the E-brake,” said Templeton.

Guests wrestled Willis out of the car.

“She went back inside. She grabbed up the big bottle of Captain Morgan and just guzzled it,” said Jennifer Butler.

Then they say she got violent.

“As soon as I turned around, she came up and cracked me upside of the face,” said Templeton.

He said he swung back before he knew what was happening, and the deputies were called.

“It was insane. Absolutely insane,” said Jena Templeton.

Deputies said Willis claimed to be having an asthma attack and started shaking as if she were having a seizure. They took her to a nearby hospital, where she exposed herself to deputies, assaulted two medics and kicked over her bed pan, according to the Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office.

“She had her be her maid of honor, and it was a bad decision,” said Robert Templeton.

While Willis was supposed to be the bride’s best friend, Jennifer Butler said the two are no longer friends.

This arrest is Willis’ ninth in Charlotte County. She faces charges of larceny, battery, grand theft of a motor vehicle, and violation of probation.

This may be the greatest wedding story in the history of wedding stories. But hey, I’m not mad at ya, Amanda Willis. Who among us has not participated in a wedding, guzzled an entire bottle of Fireball, stole the best man’s car keys, stole the best man’s car, tried to kill the best man, downed a bottle of Captain Morgan, cracked a guest upside the face, faked a seizure, exposed ourselves to the cops, assaulted two medics and kicked over our bed pan? I mean really. Cut Amanda Willis a break, man. Everyone has a bad day now and then. So she may have stolen the attention from the bride. Big deal.

And I love Robert Templeton. After much introspection, he has come to the conclusion that having Amanda Willis as a Maid of Honor was “a bad decision.” Good call, Robert. Good call. I mean, who could’ve seen it coming? It’s not like she’d been arrested 8-times before or anything.

Florida, man.