Archive for the ‘Things I Hate’ Category

Ass. Holes.

Ass. Holes.

Two former Alabama college athletes have been arrested after they allegedly beat a duck with baseball bat and left it for dead after attending a party. Thomas ‘Landon’ Grant and Jacob Frye, both 19, are accused of taking the white Muscovy duck from a pond at Central Alabama Community College in Alexander City following the gathering of baseball players on campus. The pair beat it with the bat, then took it to a nearby apartment where they decided to ‘put it out of its misery’, according to a police report.

The coach who found the duck contacted officials at the school which led to a criminal police investigation.

It’s not clear if the players remain on the team or if they have faced disciplinary action by the university.

The duo was booked into Tallapoosa County Jail on the same charge Friday, according to Detective Robert Oliver.

You guys know me. No way I’m gonna try and make anything humorous about this. Hell, I stopped my car to help a damn turtle cross the road on 41 south during my drive back from the friendly little town of Peebles, Ohio, today.* But these two freakshows? They can go straight to hell for all I care. I wonder if that made them feel like tough guys, killing a little animal? And show me a kid who kills animals for kicks and I’ll show you a future Jeffrey Dahmer. That’s science. And kudos to the coach who found the duck and turned these assholes in. Give that dude a raise. But Thomas Grant and Jacob Frye? Fry ’em for all I care.

*That was sarcasm. Some of you get it.

PS- I’m not anti-hunting. I don’t hunt but I get it. But this? No punishment is enough in my opinion.

PPS- I’m actually sort of surprised this is against the law in Alabama because you know, Alabama.

 – A mother from South Carolina was arrested after entering an elementary school without permission where she says she was just trying to confront her son’s bullies. 

The interaction soon got emotional, and according to a police report as well as the Greenville County School District, Jamie Rathburn was seen yelling at a group of kids and a teacher. 

Brotherton said there had been several isolated incidents between Rathburn’s son and fellow classmates but she said it was nothing that would constitute bullying, which she defines as repeated behavior by a specific individual or specific group of people.   

“Maybe in her mind she was going there to confront a bully or a couple of children, but in not knowing who those were and choosing to yell at dozens of innocent kids, there is nothing appropriate about yelling at other people’s children’s in a school setting after you’ve snuck in illegally,” Brotherton said. 

According to Brotherton, some of the specific incidents involved another classmate making faces or telling Rathburn’s son that his haircut was “silly.” 

She says that these incidents continued to occur over the course of the school year and eventually became violent, saying that he was thrown off a ladder slide by his neck and even hit with a computer.  

Rathburn has since sincerely apologized for her behavior but says she was just fed up with how her son was being treated. 

“Anyone who chooses by their own admission to illegally sneak into a school building, yell at a hallway full of 8 and 9-year-old children, and curse an elementary school teacher in front of those children is going to get put on a no trespass notice and not be allowed back into the school for the rest of the year,” said Brotherton. 

Kids, let me tell you a rule of childhood that’s as old as time. If you want to shake that nerd image the last thing you want is for mommy to show up at school to fight your fights for you. It’s just a bad look all-around, man. Hey, if I got picked on at school the last thing I’d do would be to run home and tell my parents. Dad would have taken a look at me, slapped me upside the head and told me to man up and take care of it. For the zillionth time, if you’re going to jump in and save your kid from every little bit of adversity how will they ever learn to fend for themselves?

PS- Making faces at someone is considered bullying now? Telling someone their haircut is silly? Where will it all end?

PPS- If I had $5 for every time I was thrown off the slippery slide by my neck I’d be a millionaire today. That’s nothing, man. Barney Hansberry once got the merry-go-round going so fast I flew off, took out three 1st Graders, hit a basketball pole and lost the feeling on the right side of my body for 15-minutes. Good times. 

You guys know about my issues with language. I’ve written about the subject in several blogs, most famously “Updating My “Things I Hate” List, a classic if there ever was one. Well, to me anyway. With that in mind, let us talk about words and redundancies. Forgive me, for I shall be repeating myself once or twice. Let’s do this . . .

“You’re exactly right.”

Listen kids, if you’re right you’re right. Otherwise you’re wrong. Exactly right implies you’re righter than the person who also got it right. I’m getting a headache.

“I’m working on my inner core.”

No, just your core will do, thank you. We know the core is inner, because you know, there’s no such thing as an outer core. By the way, people who blather on about working out are nauseating.

“He’s reverting back to his previous behavior.”

See, if you’re reverting you’re automatically going back. After all, you can’t revert forward. That seems risky and even dangerous. Seems like if you tried you’d probably pull a hammy or a groin or something.

“We’re sending the snitch to a safe haven.”

Again, a haven is by nature safe. There are no dangerous havens, although “Dangerous Haven” definitely sounds like a movie you’d see on the Lifetime Movies network.

“The perp has a prior history of criminal behavior.”

Is my blog about redundancy getting redundant or is it just me? Because history is already prior. There is no prior future. Redundant, man.

“Your sum total for the donuts is $193.63.”

Again, the sum is the total and the total is the sum. That sounded like something that could be sung in a children’s education program. “The sum is the total and the total is the sum, Say it right you stinkin’ bum! No? Alright.  In addition, somebody is eating a lot of donuts.

“That kid is throwing a temper tantrum.”

I’m pretty sure all tantrums involve tempers, hence the redundancy. You can’t have a gleeful or joyful tantrum, you know. What the hell, let’s all use “fit of rage” from now on anyway. That’s way cooler.

By the way, if you look to the left of the page and scroll w-a-a-a-y down you’ll get to a “categories” bar. Then scroll even farther down until you see “words” and you can find several things I’ve written about words. You’re welcome.

That’s all I got. Just had to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening. I feel better now.

 

Everyone knows how I feel about this crap. At graduation don’t act like a fool, don’t make it about you, don’t let your family whoop and holler and act like you’re the first member of the family to get a diploma, just behave with dignity and respect. It’s not that hard. Still, we get jackasses like this guy. Hopefully he’s dead or at least paralyzed. That would be super.

Source – Alabama Public Television has refused to show the premiere of the 22nd season of Arthur because it features a gay wedding.

Entitled “Mr Ratburn and the Special Someone,” the episode features the same-sex marriage of Arthur’s third-grade teacher, Mr Ratburn.

“It would be a violation of trust to broadcast the episode,” the director of programming at APT, Mike McKenzie, told NBC NewsMcKenzie said that in April, PBS alerted APT and other stations about “possible viewer concerns about the content of the program.” After watching the episode, McKenzie and others at APT made the decision not to broadcast it.

We can always depend on Alabama to bring the comedy, amirite? Only the folks in the Heart of Dixie would ban the viewing of a fictional cartoon rat wedding. Can’t let a TV episode of animated talking rodents turn our kids gay, now can we? Roll Tide! Seriously, it’s OK to show old episodes of Bugs Bunny blowing Daffy Duck’s head off with a shotgun but we can’t show a fake gay animal marriage on television. I mean, aren’t we past all this bullshit by now? Hell, didn’t Ellen come out in 1997 or something? Good Lord. You love who you love. Who cares?

PS- I wonder if they show The Muppets? I mean, we all know about Bert and Ernie, right?

PPS- The video below is for all Alabamians who were denied viewing a couple gay rats getting hitched. You’re welcome.

PPPS- Check out the photo under the video to see what a real live homophobic, prejudiced, discriminatory person looks like. Hint: He looks just like you’d expect him to look.

Mike McKenzie.

I wrote about this two years ago, but sadly my opinion apparently fell on deaf ears because it rears its ugly head on a daily basis still. What I’m talking about is the phrase “moving forward“. Here’s what I wrote:

Over the past couple years this inane phrase has has grown in popularity, and that phrase is “moving forward.”

Good Lord. So annoying. To wit:

“I have high hopes for my team moving forward.”

“Moving forward, we want to improve our test scores.”

“Moving forward, I’d like to see more intelligent conversations regarding the philosophies of Kant and Nietzsche.”

You know, stuff like that.

But I don’t really get it. Aren’t we all moving forward all the time? We can’t move backwards, though God knows there have been times I would have liked to. It seems to me that, in most cases, you could simply leave that phrase out. It’s not needed because it’s nearly always implied.

Those three examples I used up there? Let’s say them without the “moving forward” nonsense:

“I have high hopes for my team moving forward.”

Moving forward, we want to improve our test scores.”

Moving forward I’d like to see more intelligent conversations regarding the philosophies of Kant and Nietzsche.”

See? All three statements totally work without the dumb words “moving forward” inserted. In fact they’re better, more streamlined and economical.

Bottom line? Stop it.

Thank you and goodnight.

So people will do pretty much anything to get likes on Instagram. Why, I have no idea, but they continue to hang off cliffs, stand on top of cell phone towers, and take selfies with pit vipers. Would I enjoy seeing about one of these nitwits plunging to their deaths? I would not. Would I enjoy reading about it? I probably would. Fun fact: Between 2011 and 2017, 259 people died taking selfies. Drowning is the leading cause of selfie deaths, usually involving people being washed away by waves on beaches or falling out of a boat. The second-leading cause is listed as “transport”, which means people killed, for example, while trying to snap a quick pic in front of a moving train or standing on a moving car. Tied for third are selfie deaths involving falls from high places, as you can see some examples of below. Eight people died while taking selfies with dangerous animals. Unsurprisingly, the US led in the number of selfie deaths involving a firearm – people accidentally shooting themselves while posing with guns. ‘Murica!

Here are some examples of how incredibly dumb people can be.

Just spectacular.

Ingwelala Private Nature Reserve in South Africa was shaken with the screams of a man who was attacked and killed by Pride of Lion in private game reserve near the Kruger National Park. Before the lions were dispersed with the help of gun-shots, they had eaten most of the body barring the head that was untouched. Police initially thought that the victim was a tractor driver who worked in this private reserve. But later on when the driver appeared alive the suspicion began to grow. A hunting rifle was recovered near the remains of the dead that almost confirmed it to be a poacher who had sneaked into the private reserve. The man was killed viciously and the incident had been very disturbing and terrifying. Nevertheless, sympathy does not stand with the victim who had been hunting in the private reserve. The man had killed 3 Baboon families and spread the bodies around to attract and distract the lions to make them easier to hunt.

Man, there’s nothing better than seeing animal killers eaten by animals, huh? Karma just keeps kicking ass all over the planet, man. Cheetahs mauling wanna be selfie-takers, bears eating their human tormentors, the list continues to grow. And now we have this poacher who killed baboon families to bait lions, only to end up as the bait himself. It’s poetic really, and it made my freakin’ day.

Note: I love how the lions always leave the head, like a calling card or something. Lions, man.

Asshole.

Good. God.

I actually attempted two websites before this one and neither really caught on. The first was called Rock Hard Times and was all about music. The second was called The Inside Handshake and stuck exclusively to sports. Then one day it hit me – why limit myself to one subject? Hell, I have opinions and observations on other stuff as well. Why not open it up to everything? Music, sports, politics, science, entertainment, nature, the list was endless. Thus was born Shoe: Untied, a play on my name along with the idea of sort of letting loose (actually a friend of mine came up with the title and I liked it). Anyway, as you know the site turned out to be a pretty eclectic one, and that’s the way my crack staff and I like it.

One thing I discovered early is that you can never, ever predict what people will like. Sometimes I write something I think is great and get very little response. Other times I write something that I feel is sort of trivial and it just blows up (see drunk pig blog below). Like the title says, it defies explanation.

With that said, here is our annual year-end report and Top 25 Most Popular Blogs for 2018. We’ll start with #1 and work our way down. Just click on the title if you want to take a gander.

Australian Pig Steals 18-Beers From Campers, Gets Drunk, Fights Cow

Yes ladies and gentlemen, a short little article I posted along with my observations back in 2014 got over 500,000 views this past year. For you non-mathematicians, that’s over half a million people. Seriously man, it was about a drunk pig. See, a radio station out in Seattle happened upon my site, liked the post, and put a link to that story on its website. Then the Aussies got hold of it and the rest is history.

UPDATE: Drunk Australian Pig That Started Fight With Cow Killed In Car Accident

Aaaand of course the throngs of people who loved the drunken swine story were interested in the tragic update. On a related note, Australians and I have the same exact sense of humor.

My Side of the Story

Nearly 400,000 people from all over the world heard my side of the story, and I’m glad they did.

Sis

I thought losing a basketball job was a tragic experience. I soon learned that, on life’s grand scale, it wasn’t.

My Dad and I

My memories of my father, who we lost just 53-days after my sister.

“Things Most White People Say” List Is Hilarious, Also 100% Correct

Basically just a repost of some funny tweets I’d run across. Good stuff and people liked it.

Incredible Photo of the Day: Gator Catch!

This was another post that the Australians inexplicably enjoyed. A large percentage of its views came from the Land Down Under.

So How Many People Did The Rifleman Actually Kill?

I love the old TV show The Rifleman, so one day I decided to research just how many people Lucas McCain actually killed. The answer? 120. Ol’ Luke murdered 120 people. But hey, they all deserved it so it’s cool.

Scioto Valley Conference Boys Basketball Preview & Predictions

A preview I wrote regarding our local basketball conference. I must say it’s turning out the way I predicted. So far.

The 2017 Ugly Dog Contest Was An Absolute Joke

My critique of the Ugly Dog Contest and its beautiful winner, Martha.

Cool Beans! Words and Phrases That Need To Make A Comeback

Another story I published a couple years that seems to never go away. Just a simple blog about words.

An American Hero: Ruby Bridges

My story about Ruby Bridges, the little 6-year old African-American who integrated an all-white elementary school in New Orleans on November 14, 1960.

Map of the Day: World Rat Distribution

The most fascinating aspect of this map is that Alberta, Canada is rat free, and it’s not by accident.

Regarding Beach Midgets

Just an offbeat, original little story that people seemed to find hilarious.

15 Reasons I Hate LeBron James (Or Used To)

I wrote this after LeBron left Cleveland with his ridiculous television show, “The Decision”. I really did hate the guy for a few years, but he won me back with his letter admitting he’d made a mistake with the way he left, then returning to Cleveland and ultimately bringing them a championship.

Celebrity Mugshots: My Top 10

Another old post that saw a resurgence of sorts in 2018. I’ve no idea why.

Meet Australian Cow Knickers, the Biggest Damn Cow You’ll Ever See

Again, Australians, man.

If You Haven’t heard of August Landmesser It’s a Damn Shame

I’m truly glad people liked this one, and I’m glad I got to spread the word about August Landmesser.

Paint Valley Basketball Records

This is a page I maintain that’s linked to Shoe: Untied. It gets a lot of hits.

Brad Kerns and Parenting the Way It Should Be

A telling story about one of my basketball parents and also one of the best friends I ever had.

The Many Worlds Theory is Wildly Fascinating

A pretty good example of what an eclectic website Shoe: Untied really is.

Map of the Day: USA IQ Test Scores by State

I had a lot I wanted to say here politically bit I couldn’t pull the trigger.

Man Killed Trying to Bring Christianity to Remote Island Tribe

A recent story that was quite controversial. Seems not everyone agreed with my views.

Another Drunk Animal Causes Havoc, and This Time It’s a Sozzled Squirrel.

Who knew drunk animal stories would be so wildly popular? Not I.

Don’t Think Animals Are Scary Smart? Read On.

There’s a certain segment of people who visit my site that can’t get enough of the animal stuff. They just eat it up. Animals, man.

So there ya go. All in all it was the biggest year ever for Shoe: Untied, and I thank the people who visit because you’re obviously as nuts as I am.

Happy New Year everyone.

 

A big game hunter/veterinarian who sparked worldwide fury when he posed next to a lion he had killed has died after falling 100-feet down a ravine while shooting birds. Officials say he was out hunting with pals when he slipped on ice and fell down a ravine at Colle Delle Oche in the hills above the Italian city of Turin.

Luciano Ponzetto had angered animal lovers by posing smiling next to a lion he had shot and then uploading it onto his Facebook page. He hit back at critics and said: “I know that I have done nothing wrong. I am being criticized by people who do not know me, I have always loved my work and I have always loved wild animals.”

First off, we all know this wasn’t an accident, right? The animals are striking back. This dude was pushed off that cliff by a horde of revenge-seeking rabbits or squirrels or something, man. Just shoved him over the edge in the name of Simba, Cecil, the Cowardly Lion and all the other lions. And hey Luciano, please explain how you can “love wild animals” while also putting a slug in their brain. Newsflash – you can’t. Just be honest and tell us you get your jollies killing beautifully majestic creatures. Karma, man. It’s a bitch.

Just an awful blow to the head. Hope he’s OK.

See what I did there?

Washington Post: A Texas mother is calling out a Southwest Airlines employee who she said mocked her 5-year-old daughter’s name and then posted a picture of the small child’s boarding pass on social media.
Traci Redford told ABC affiliate KABC her daughter’s name is Abcde, which is pronounced “ab-si-dee.”

Redford said the incident occurred when she and her daughter were preparing to board a flight from Santa Ana, Calif., home to El Paso, Tex. Redford told the station that a gate agent at California’s John Wayne Airport saw Abcde’s name and started pointing, laughing and talking to other employees about Redford and her child.

Southwest Airlines has since apologized, saying that the social media post is “not indicative of the care, respect, and civility” that the airline requires from its employees.

Here’s the deal. If you name your kid Abcde you should not only expect her to be mocked, you should expect her to be belittled, razzed, teased, disparaged, scorned, roasted, bad-mouthed and pooh-poohed. What are you going to name your next kid, Fghijk? Then Lmnopq? The mind reels, man.

PS- Seriously, why do people try so hard to come up with unique names for their kids? Every time little Blayde or Hayzil or Aliviyah gives someone their name at a bank or hotel they’re going to have to spell it out for the rest of their lives. Little Max, Sam or Hank? Not so much. Time saved, baby.

PPS- Turns out Abcde is not that unique. A little Googling reveals that an Abcde Zoller plays soccer for the University of Hawaii at Hilo, and an Abcde de Coito teaches Zumba classes in the Aloha state. The site NameCandy also suggests the name may also be relatively common in New Mexico and among Latino families. Huh. Who knew?

These are the young men of Baraboo High School in Wisconsin. They are posing on the steps of the county court house before their prom last Spring. And yes, most of them are giving the Nazi salute. How, I ask you, has blatant racism become so acceptable for some people in 2018? How could anyone think this is OK? Hell, by the looks on their faces they seem to find themselves hilarious. I ask you, who has enabled racists to become so damn brazen?

Click to see the faces of bigots up close.

PS- It’s Trump. The person I’m talking about is Trump.

I’m telling you right now, if I walked into that house and saw that scene I would pass out on the spot. That’s just horrific, man. Nightmare fuel. I told you about my fears in the acclaimed blog Mannequins and Clowns and Dolls, Oh My! Oh, and Puppets and Rats Too, and let’s just say a staircase full of lifeless, cold eyes staring at me gives me the heebies. Chills, man.

PS-Swear to God when I first saw the photo I thought it was of one of those college sororities at Alabama or Clemson or somewhere.

Rare.US.com: Winter is coming. Is your wardrobe ready? Sure you’ve got hats, gloves, scarves, jackets, and boots, but is that everything? Are you maybe forgetting another part of your body that you’ve neglected to keep warm? Obviously you’ve got your eye muffs too, because no one wants to go frost blind. But I’m talking about your nose, fool. The nose, as they say, is the exhaust vent to the soul. So protect it from the cold! Now you can with specialty nose warmers. You can find Aunt Marty’s Original Nose Warmers on Amazon and Etsy and, oh my. With a nose sporting one these you’ll certainly be the talk of the Hobby Lobby parking lot this winter.

[click to enlarge]

Listen, I try to keep an open mind. I really do. I try to keep up with the times. I listen to hip-hop, I make an attempt to have the newest technology, and I accidentally bought what I thought was a pair of shorts that may or may not have been manpris. I haven’t worn them yet but still. Yet when I take a gander at these nose warmers I have one thought – disgust. I’m sorry man, but that dude needs punched right in the nose warmer. What’s next, something to cover our ears to keep them warm? Our hands? Our feet? Wait. Never mind.

Full disclosure: If somebody knitted me a Sparkyhead nose warmer I’d sport that baby all over the place.

LaDue, MO: A St. Louis mother has filed a federal lawsuit, claiming that a soccer coach’s decision to cut her son from the junior varsity team was age discrimination.

The suit claims the soccer coach told the boy’s mom that he was “right on the bubble” of making the team, but that there were too many kids who had a better soccer skill and soccer IQ than him. The coach also wasn’t willing to put the boy on junior varsity again.

The mother and stepfather complained to the school, but they eventually supported the coach’s decision.  The teen’s mom claims her son will face “irreparable harm” if he’s not put on the team.

A judge is expected to make a decision in the case on Monday.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Age discrimination? For realz? Listen, any coach with a brain in their skull will tell you that if two players are of equal talent the younger one usually plays. That’s just common sense, right? Because you’re going to have them longer and they’ll have more of a chance to develop? Bueller? Bueller? Anybody? And sorry kid, but I guarantee your coach was being kind when he said you were “on the bubble.” Newsflash: You were not on the bubble. You were under the bubble. Perhaps nowhere near the bubble. In fact, there were not only “too many kids with better soccer skills” than you, but they also had better soccer IQs. This means you don’t understand how to soccer, dude.

But you know the worst part of this story? The worst part is that mommy squandered a perfect life lesson for this kid, like, you know, work harder to achieve your goals, rewards are earned and not given, stuff like that. I can’t wait until this kid is passed over for a promotion at work when he’s 27 and mom tries to sue his boss. Good stuff, man. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times – how in the world can a kid learn to deal with adversity if mommy and daddy are going to jump in and save them every time they face it?

UPDATE: The judge threw the case out of court, stomped on it, spat upon it and was seen laughing uncontrollably as he skipped away. Good job, judge.

PS- I can totally name some parents who would do this, but I’ll save it for my upcoming blockbuster blog. Stay tuned.

For the 7% of you out there who still watch major league baseball, you know the playoffs are in progress as we speak. The Dodgers are playing the Brewers, and last night some doofus named Manny Machado loafed to first base on a routine ground ball to the shortstop. Then, after the game he said this:

Obviously I’m not going to change, I’m not the type of player that’s going to be ‘Johnny Hustle,’ and run down the line and slide to first base and … you know, whatever can happen. That’s just not my personality, that’s not my cup of tea, that’s not who I am.”

Uh, OK. We get it. You don’t hustle. You don’t work hard. You’re lazy. You know, because that’s not “who you are” and not your “cup of tea.” I swear to God when I heard the interview on the radio I thought it was a Saturday Night Live parody. On a related note, Manny Machado makes $16-million a year to play baseball.

PS- As a free agent for 2019, he is expected to sign a contract in excess of $400-million. Sigh.

Back before 2004, when athletes weren’t big babies and could handle a little champagne in their eyes, baseball celebrations looked like this:

Then, in 2004 the Boston Red Sox went all wussified and wore ski goggles. Now? Here’s how baseball players celebrate:

Good God. What’s next, hazmat suits? And the wussification continues . . .

PS- I know, I know. Champagne can supposedly damage your corneas. Blah-blah-blah. I don’t recall anyone going blind before 2004.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Soddy-Daisy High School’s athletic director Jared Hensley. Listen, I’m about as non-PC as they come, bit this guy is nuts. I was trying my best to believe the guy might be joking, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t sound serious as hell. How in the world would he ever think this is OK to say in 2018? I mean, I’ve known some dumb administrators, but . . . never mind, just watch.

It’s common knowledge that smart phones have turned most of us into mindless, unimaginative automatons who are losing our ability to interact with each other like the human beings we’re supposed to be. How many times have you seen a couple at a restaurant, heads down, looking at their phones? Passed a car and saw the driver, head down and looking dazed and confused into his mobile device? I know the answer. Of course you have. And hey, I’m no exception. It’s a constant battle for me as well. With all that said, I shall now give you a stark example of how life as we know it has been forever changed by the smart phone.

To begin, I give you this photo of a golf gallery watching Tiger Woods in 2002. Just look at everyone. Taking in the moment, not wanting to miss a second, all eyes on Tiger, soaking it in and embedding the moment into their memory forever . . .

And now, let us fast forward to 2018. Same golfer, different gallery, different time . . .

Yep. 99% of the people are not actually watching what’s happening. They’re watching the moment, and their life, through their cell phones.

I weep for the future of humanity.

Terrifying Fact: People spend an average of 4.7 hours of a day looking at their smart phones. Watch the video below to have your mind boggled.

Aw. Look at Marshmallow.

Wilmette, IL: Just after returning home from a walk around the block with her dog, Marshmallow, an 8-year-old Wilmette girl expected a visit from a playmate. Instead, police officers arrived at the family’s door. An anonymous caller had contacted police after seeing the girl walking the dog alone, said her mother, Corey Widen. The seemingly common activity launched an Illinois Department of Children and Family Services investigation to see if Widen was neglecting her children. Widen said the girl’s walk around the block — most of which Widen says she can see out her windows — is the only time her daughter is unsupervised. 

Oh for the love of God. When I was a 8-years old I used to get up and leave the house without telling anyone, come home for a can of Vienna sausages at lunch, leave the house, come back at 6:00pm for supper, then Mom would tell me to come back when the street lights came on.  She had no idea what the hell I was doing when I was gone. My only rules were to stay out of Paint Creek, don’t get into a car with a stranger and don’t go into old widow Snodgrass’s house over on North Alley Street. In today’s world an 8-year old can’t even take her dog Marshmallow for a walk. Sadly, the Wussification of America is alive and well.

Note: Sanity prevailed. The Police never pursued charges. 

A bride in Canada has launched a foul-mouthed tirade against her friends and family after blaming them for the cancellation of her dream wedding.

The unbelievable story went viral after shots of the bride’s ridiculous rant were posted to online, showing her slamming guests for refusing to give her $1,500 to attend the wedding.

The bride, Susan, took to Facebook to announce the cancellation of her wedding 4-days before the event, blaming guests for not funding her event.

The post starts with Susan announcing the cancellation of the wedding and that her and her partner have split due to “recent and irreparable problems”.

“Before I begin this mini-novel, I invite all of you to put yourselves in my shoes,” the jilted bride wrote.

“For once, let me take the stage and voice the most painful few months of my life.” She then goes on to explain how she had always dreamt of having a huge “blowout” wedding but as her and her partner had only saved $15,000 they turned to their guests to fund the $60,000 event. They told guests they had to send $1500 if they wanted to be invited to the wedding and were absolutely shocked when hardly anyone coughed up.

“I SPECIFICALLY, I mean SPECIFICALLY asked for cash gifts,” she wrote.
“How could we have OUR wedding that WE dreamt of without proper funding?”

The bride became increasingly upset when people weren’t giving them the money they requested. Eventually all of the bride’s friends and family turned on her, including her fiance, over her obsession with having a huge wedding.

She ends the rant by telling everyone she is cutting off all the friends and family who refused to give her money and that she will be in South Africa backpacking for the next two months to get away from this “awful society”.

I’m rarely at a loss for words, but I’m seriously at a loss for words right now. Just kidding, I’m never at a loss for words. Anyway, $1,500 to attend a wedding? Were the Foo Fighters playing and do I have a backstage pass? Because if not that ain’t happening, sister. What in the holy hell happened to getting the happy couple a toaster? Maybe a personalized doormat? May I suggest a Magic Bullet Blender from Best Buy for the low price of $29.99? Honestly though, this may be the most delusional, entitled human being I’ve ever heard of. Here’s hoping Susan has an encounter with a Green Anaconda whilst backpacking in South Africa.

PS- Seriously man, people should be paid to attend weddings, not vice versa. Watching the wedding party dance into the reception makes me cringe every time. I hate forced choreography.

What? Why? WHY? Why would anyone enjoy walking across this invitation to death? Wanna die? Sure, head on across, kids! The steps are only every two damn feet apart! Oh, and the bridges often have 100-mph winds! Woot!

PS- Seriously, nope.

[click and scroll for the high anxiety]