Archive for the ‘Things I Hate’ Category

Washington Post: Mammalogist Tyrone Lavery has learned of a giant rat known to locals as Vika that lives in the trees, is a foot-and-a-half long, and has teeth so sharp it can punch through a coconut. Yes, the Vika is very real.

Its scale-covered tail, great jaws and a few rare photos were revealed Wednesday in the Journal of Mammalogy.

Uromys Vika is the first rodent species to be discovered in the Solomon Islands in nearly a century, at the end of Lavery’s long search.

He was first drawn to this chain of hundreds of islands in 2010, as he researched mammals at the University of Queensland. Far off the coast of Australia, the Solomons are renowned for elusive, unique species that evolve in near isolation from the rest of the planet — like the Guadalcanal monkey-faced bat.

The PhD student was sitting around a fire with village elders on the island of Vangunu, in the thick-forested caldera of an ancient volcano. As rice and sweet potato cooked in the flames, Lavery recalled, he asked the elders what things he might find in the forests.

“They told me about this giant rat they called Vika,” he said. They said Vika lived in the trees, was a bit smaller than a possum, and was so strong it could chew through thick-shelled Ngali nuts.

And then one day in late 2015, back in Australia, he got a phone call from the island. Loggers in a camp outside the village had felled a Kapuchu tree — particularly prized for its wood. After the tree hit the ground, something big and brown came scampering out of it. The loggers knew an Australian scientist had been searching for Vika for years, and word of the animal spread through the village.

Two friends of Lavery — John Vendi and Hikuna Judge — managed to catch the animal.

It looked like an adolescent, and it had lost part of its tail in the fall or subsequent capture. Still, it was estimated to be a foot-and-a-half long, and might grow to weigh more than two pounds — four times larger than your average garbage rat.

Well, sweet Jesus. This is all we need, right? Monster possum-sized rats that live in the freaking trees? That’s just horrifying. But hey, they can only bite through coconut shells and thick-shelled Ngali nuts, so nothing to worry about.

PS- That Guadalcanal Monkey-Faced Bat is downright petrifying, huh? Looks like someone experimented with a Chihuahua and a Fruit Bat.

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Her kids saw it first: A woman, pants around ankles, defecating before the Budde family’s Colorado Springs home.

Then it happened again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Each week brings a fresh pile of excrement to the sidewalk in front of Cathy Budde’s home, she told local station KKTV — at least seven so far. Budde calls her “The Mad Pooper.” Police remain baffled. The family feels helpless to stop her.
“I came outside, and I was like, ‘Are you serious?'” Budde said of the time she caught the woman, a jogger, in the act. “‘Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids?’ She’s like, ‘Yeah, sorry!'”

Then the woman jogged away. She leaves only confusion, and also the paper towels that she wipes with.

Even in a world wrought with senseless violence, the Mad Pooper’s antics astonish. There’s a portable toilet at nearby John Venezia Community Park.  A gas station not far from that. So then why? Why the Budde family? And why now?

These questions haunt Colorado Springs residents, and the officers sworn to protect them. “For someone to repeatedly do such a thing, it’s uncharted territory for me,” Sgt. Johnathan Sharketti of the Colorado Springs Police Department told KKTV.

Listen, for me there’s almost nothing more disgusting than someone doing #2. Can’t deal with it, won’t deal with it. At basketball camps I’d walk up three floors of the dorm just find a private bathroom. And I’m still scarred from that time I was a freshman in high school and walked into the boys locker room to find Sammy Dickey sitting on the toileteating a peanut butter sandwich. That’s a sight that will be burned into my memory forever. Hell, I couldn’t eat peanut butter for 2-years. On a related note, I may or may not have broken up with a girl because she kept leaving the damn bathroom door open. Nothing, and I mean nothing, kills sexiness like seeing a woman taking a dump. So, if anyone deserves the death penalty it’s the Mad Pooper. Dead serious. Lethal inject that serial defecator, and do it immediately upon her capture.

PS- Ewwww.

California – Controversy erupts at Vista Del Lago High School in Folsom over students chanting “USA.”

It’s a popular way to for students to show pride during sporting events and rallies, but school and district officials are now warning students that the chants could appear inappropriate and intolerant. The chants are now causing chatter campus-wide after school staff brought up the topic to a leadership class.

The school’s principal told students and parents that sometimes “We can communicate an unintended message.” She also said USA chanting is welcome, but it may be best to do it at what she says are appropriate times, like following the national anthem or the Pledge of Allegiance.

The district says there has never been a complaint about USA chants at the high school. Students say there’s likely to be a lot of chanting at this Friday’s football game, where the theme is USA pride.

Well for the love of all that is holy and good WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? We can’t be proud of out country? And who in the world is a USA chant going to offend? The three foreign exchange students from North Korea? The ISIS guy hiding under the bleachers? I’d say no to both because they’re not at the game and if they were we should do it anyway because WE’RE IN THE USA! Sweet Mother of God.

PS- The first person who blames this on wimpy liberals is going to get punched in the throat by this non-wimpy liberal.

So a 17-year old photographer named Eagan Tilghman released pictures of a creative photoshoot he did with his 3-year-old brother Louie, and the results look nightmarishly chilling. Click at your own risk.

(Source) — A former Los Altos High School student and baseball player is suing the school district and his former coach for hundreds of thousands of dollars because the coach repeatedly benched him. According to the suit, the school’s head varsity baseball coach, Gabriel Lopez, repeatedly refused to let 17-year-old Robbie Lopez, no relation, play throughout his senior year. The suit claims this constituted a pattern of “harassment and bullying.” The teenager and his parents are seeking $150,000 or more, according to the suit.

Sigh. And so it continues. If this is bullying, do you know how many of my former players could sue me? I’ll give you the answer – hundreds. Good God, man. Newsflash, Robbie Lopez – it’s your coach’s job to bench you if you’re not playing well. Hell, using this logic every kid on the bench could sue his coach. That’s just dumb, man.

PS- In the future every coach will be required to play every player an exact even number of minutes. Then nobody will get their feelings hurt. Awesome.

Namibian media say an elephant trampled and killed an Argentine who was in a group of hunters tracking a herd of elephants. The Namibia Press Agency said the hunter, identified as 46-year-old Jose Monzalvez, was killed on Saturday afternoon in a private wildlife area 43-miles northwest of the small town of Kalkfeld. The agency said Monzalvez, who worked for an oil company, was with another Argentine and three Namibians when he was killed. It says one of the elephants charged before the group was able to find a spot to aim and shoot.

No fair! No fair! The elephant didn’t give Jose Monzalvez time to find a spot to shoot! What kind of hunting rules are these Namibian elephants playing by, anyway? That’s bogus, man. Everyone knows the animal is supposed to just stand there while the hunter takes his time to murder it, man. Play by the rules, animals!

PS- This seems to be happening more and more. Animals, man. They’re fighting back. Next we’ll hear about a squirrel hunter getting a vein ripped out of his neck and bleeding out under a walnut tree.

PPS- Can’t wait.

 

A girls softball team from Virginia paid a steep price for a lesson about social media: After a victory, think twice about gloating over your opponent on their home turf — especially if the chosen method of gloating is posting a photo on social media of six teammates flipping the bird under the caption, “watch out host.”

The 12-to-14-year-olds who make up the Atlee junior league softball team from Mechanicsville, Va., were disqualified Saturday from the nationally televised championship game at the Junior League World Series in Kirkland, Wash., after one team member posted that photo on her Snapchat account before their game Friday. The team apologized Saturday, even asking for an investigation into the game, but it was too late to repair the damage the image had caused.

Little League spokesman Kevin Fountain called the post “inappropriate” in a statement to the Richmond Times-Dispatch, explaining that it violated the league’s “policies regarding unsportsmanlike conduct.”

The disqualification didn’t sit well with the Atlee team manager, Scott Currie, who found out about the photo Friday evening after the team’s 1-0 win. Currie immediately reprimanded the players who were involved, before demanding they delete the post and apologize in person to their rivals.
“It’s a travesty for these girls,” Currie told the Times-Dispatch on Saturday. “Yes, they screwed up, but I don’t think the punishment fit the crime.”

Yes, I have an opinion on this “controversy”, and it’s pretty straightforward – I agree with the decision to disqualify this team 100%. I’ve spoken at length about my feelings on running up the score and showing bad sportsmanship, and nothing has changed although it seems I’m becoming more and more in the minority.

If you research this story online, you’ll find that a lot of people upset about it, especially because the entire team was disqualified when only six girls were in the photo. Newsflash: In sports, you are a TEAM. Many times, when even one players makes a mistake, everybody pays for it.

And in its own way, that’s a beautiful thing. It’s a life lesson, something to use forever and hopefully pass on to your own children one day. Don’t simply think about yourself, think about your friends, your family, your team.

Hell, do you now what one of the worst punishments I can hand out as a coach is? It’s when one player makes a mistake, and I make him stand there and watch everybody else run. Is that fair? Perhaps not, but neither is life.

Oh, and again, it just might help you remember that your actions can affect everyone around you.

As anyone who’s ever played for me will tell you, I believe what these girls did was a bush league move. It was classless and wrong. And I don’t care what the other team was doing during the game to possibly provoke them either, that’s irrelevant. So is how many hours they put in or how hard they worked to get there. They threw all that away with one ignorant decision.

And hey, Coach Currie, you shouldn’t be upset. This was largely your fault. Coaching is much more than teaching how to hit, field, tackle or shoot free throws. It’s teaching what’s right and what’s wrong.

Had you done your job your team would’ve known better, and by defending them you’ve made the problem worse.

Coach, listen up. Back when I was in high school I was playing in a basketball game. I’d committed a dumb foul and followed it up by receiving a technical foul. That night after the game I went to my Uncle Myrl’s house, a man I had great respect for, to visit my cousins. As I walked by him in the kitchen where he was sitting reading  the newspaper, we had the following conversation:

“Dave, you know what’s worse than making an ass of yourself?”

“Uh, no.”

“Making an ass out of yourself twice.”

Still true today, coach.

 

So noted murderer Ray Lewis (allegedly) has stepped up to give his valuable life advice to Colin Kaepernick, the player who exercised his right as an American to not stand up during the National Anthem last football season and hence cannot find another job in the NFL. It seems that Ray-Ray took it upon himself to perform a video selfie directed at Kaepernick, and I must say it is gold, Jerry. GOLD! Here’s a link to the video if you’d like to watch it. However, if you’d rather not I’ll break it down for you . . .

0:00 – 0:11: “How crazy is I’m just leaving set at Fox and I’m getting all these texts and stuff about all this Colin Kaepernick stuff and all this stuff?”

As usual, Ray begins with questionable grammar, leaving out important prepositions like “at” and repeating simple terms such as “stuff.” Oh, and of course we can hear the ass-kisser in the car laughing hysterically at everything he’s saying.

0:11: “Let me explain something to you. I’m gonna keep it real simple with this.” 

This is right out of Ray’s playbook, treating his listeners like dummies, because in order to explain it so we can understand it he has to keep it simple. Wouldn’t want Ray-Ray talking over our heads, now would we?

0:30: “Kap, I pray for you more than you can ever imagine. Your name is in my Bible!”

Wait. What? I’ve read the Bible a few times, once for a class in college, and not once do I recall seeing the words, “Colin Kaepernick.” Then again, Ray is on such good terms with God (he/she allegedly got him out of a murder after all), that perhaps he/she let Ray make some modifications.

0:35: “My brother, everyone else can speak for you but until you speak for yourself and demand what you want to do with your life, it’s totally on you. It’s crazy that you always see people trying to respond.

Uh, OK? He lost me with that last part. And the only crazy person responding is Ray Lewis.

1:00: “I’ve made mistakes in my life. But I promise you if you look at my track record, I’ve never made the same mistake twice.”

Ah, now it’s all about Ray because we knew it would be. And the families of Reginald Oakley and Joseph Sweeting might disagree with the whole “never made the same mistake twice” thing.

1:15: “I’m in the streets everyday. EVERYDAY. So while people talking ‘What’s with this?’ and ‘Why Ray say this?’ and ‘Why Ray say that?’ Ray ain’t saying nothing!”

Boom! Ray is now talking in the third person, another personal trademark. And what does he mean about being in the streets? Maybe he means his driveway, like this one in front of one of his houses:

However, I do agree with him when he says he isn’t saying anything.

1:30: “And that’s why I take each and every one of these kids. And that’s why I take them away from their environments and give them something else to see in life. And that’s why I played the way I played.”

Do the police know Ray Lewis has gone from killing people (allegedly) to stealing children? And what does all this have to do with the way he played?

1:50 – “What you do off the field, don’t let too many people know.”

Finally, Ray Lewis gives out some useful information based on his own personal experience and history. Good Lord.

Seriously, Ray Lewis has to be the most unself-aware human being on planet Earth. Dude lied his way out of a double-murder (allegedly), got a jury to believe he lost the blood-splattered suit he was wearing the night those two men were stabbed to death, has 6-kids by 4-women and still claims to be a Man of God and the counselor to all the poor souls who need his advice.

I can’t believe Fox Sports still employs this clown.

Note: If you need a refresher on the whole Ray Lewis murder thing, here ya go:

Good God almighty.

So you take your seat on your flight, and to your delight you find that nobody will be sitting in the seats beside you. Glorious! Jackpot! Woot! You may even stretch out sideways and take a nap, amirite? The joyous possibilities are endless. Hells to the yah! After all, there’s nothing worse than being crammed into your seat beside some obnoxious, loud or possibly portly passenger, is there? Well, it turns out that yes, there is . . .

I swear to God, I have some friends with a genuine fear of feet that would recoil in horror at this sight. Me? I’d probably just ask them to put their feet where they belong, and if they didn’t I’d start breaking toes. Anyhoo, that’s nasty.

There are things you have to worry about in 2017 that you didn’t have to worry about 30-years ago, ya know? And I’m not talking about stuff like terrorists and mass murderers either. By the way, guys like Charles Manson and Ted Bundy were out and about when I was a youngblood, so those types of dudes aren’t new at all.

Anyway, you know what one of my biggest fears is? Being hit by some idiot who’s texting while driving. I swear to God, every time I have to stop to make a turn I look in my rearview mirror, dreading the moment some idiot bears down on me at 70 mph with their head buried in their damn phone.

It almost happened the other day as I was stopped, waiting for oncoming traffic to go by before I turned into my parent’s driveway. Fortunately I looked in my rearview, saw the nitwit approaching way too fast, and pulled quickly off to the right as the guy hit his brakes and screeched by me sideways down the road. True story man.

Honestly, how many people do you see every day stopped at a light or even driving down the highway, head down as they look at their phone? I know I see several a day easily.

I have a GPS app on my phone that won’t let me type if the car is moving. Why can’t all phones have this built in? Something must be done, people!

PS- I was driving back from Michigan a few weeks ago and passed a woman on the freeway who was watching a movie. Damn iPad was propped right there on her steering wheel. Pure insanity. 

Dolls, death and little kids. Chilling, man.

Theunis Botha, a well-known 51-year-old big game hunter from Johannesburg, South Africa, just had his last hunt. The man was leading a group of hunters in Gwai, Zimbabwe, when they saw a herd of breeding elephants. Sensing the danger, three of the animals stormed the hunters and Botha shot at them. What the man didn’t see was a fourth elephant coming after him from the side. The animal lifted Botha with her trunk, so one of the other hunters shot her, causing the elephant to collapse. As she fell dead, the elephant dropped right on Botha, crushing the hunter to death.

According to Game Hounds Safaris, Botha’s company website, the man pioneered European-style ‘Monteria hunts’ in the region. These kind of hunts use large packs of dogs to drive deer and boar towards them before opening fire on the animals. He was also known for hunting lions and leopards.

Awesome. Just spectacular. I love it when the animals win, man. I know, the elephant died in this case but at least she took this asshole out with her. I mean, what kind of a hunter has dogs that drive the animals towards them? Where’s the sport in that? I’ll tell you where – Hell. The same place Theunis Botha resides right now. I hope he’s down there getting crushed by an elephant over and over and over again.

Note: As a special related bonus, I give you this. And spare me the comments about me enjoying watching people die. Idiots who hurt animals deserve it. Enjoy:

 

ASHWAUBENON— A student wearing a Star Wars mask and costume prompted an evacuation at Ashwaubenon Middle School Thursday morning, May 4th.

Officials say a concerned parent called police after seeing someone walk into the school with dark clothing and a mask.

“There was no legitimate threat at AMS today. It was a misunderstanding where a student wore a Star Wars costume for “May the Fourth Be With You” day. There was no intent of a threat, but the student will be held accountable,” said Ashwaubenon School District said in a Facebook post.

Number one, what kind of a degenerate anti-American Putin-loving communist assclown snitch doesn’t know who Darth Vader is? And why the hell will the kid be “held accountable”? How is showing up on Star Wars Day as Darth Vader wrong? I mean, how does this school expect to deal with Halloween, man? Seriously though, a kid walks into a middle school dressed as Darth Vader and the entire school is evacuated. Never underestimate the power of the Dark Side, huh?

Say goodbye to Hi-C Orange at McDonald’s. The fast-food chain will begin phasing out the beverage on May 1, according to a memo posted this week on Reddit. A representative for McDonald’s told Eat This, Not That that all locations will stop carrying the drink after July.

According to the memo, the chain is introducing a new “proprietary” beverage called Sprite TropicBerry that will be served exclusively at McDonald’s locations. It’s part of the company’s partnership with Coca-Cola.

McDonald’s website touts Hi-C Orange Lavaburst as “packed with crisp citrus flavor,” but customers won’t be able to enjoy it for much longer. You may still have time to order the drink because McDonald’s locations are advised to keep selling it until their current supply is gone.

At least one McDonald’s franchise owner expects a backlash from the move, writing, “It’s gonna be a fun few weeks up ahead. Hi-C is one of the more popular drinks at my location.”

Why, McDonald’s, why?

It’s a dark, dark day in the world of fast food beverages, kids. Just couldn’t get any bleaker. You know what I’ve ordered to drink every time I’ve visited Mickey D’s, ever? Hi-C Orange, man. Why? Because it’s the Nectar of the Gods. It’s the beginning of the end for McDonald’s.

As far as I’m concerned McDonald’s and their Sprite TropicBerry can go straight to hell.

Sometimes people think too much. And sometimes, they give too much power to a bunch of goofballs in their art department or advertising or whoever the hell makes these decisions. Anyway, below you can see the logo the Milwaukee Brewers used from 1978 to 1993:

 See, it’s an M and a B in the form of a glove with a baseball in it. That, my friends, is perfection. How could you improve on that? The answer is you couldn’t. Still, they tried. Sigh.

Well for God’s sake. That’s their logo from 1994 to 1999. Just awful. Confusing too. So, they changed it in 2000 to this:

Good God. Still turrible. And to think they had perfection and had to mess with it for the sake of change. For the love of God Milwaukee Brewers, admit your mistake and go back to the classic. People will thank you for it.

“Meh. Could’ve used a little tabasco sauce.”

Reuters: DNA tests on the carcass of a crocodile shot in Zimbabwe have confirmed that it contains the remains of a missing South African hunter, an investigator has told the BBC.

Scott Van Zyl was killed last week on the banks of the Limpopo river, said Sakkie Louwrens, director of a South-African crime-fighting NGO. He said Mr Van Zyl disappeared during a hunting safari last week.

His death is the latest in a series of fatal crocodile attacks in Zimbabwe.

Mr Louwrens told the BBC that Mr Van Zyl had gone on a hunting trip on the Zimbabwe-South Africa border with a local tracker and a pack of dogs. He said the pair left their vehicle and went in different directions in search of crocodiles.

A search and rescue operation was launched after Mr Van Zyl’s dogs returned to their camp without him.

I can imagine the dog’s conversation after the croc grabbed this guy:

“Well hell, Ernie, looks like that croc ain’t playin’. Think we should try and help?”

“Hell no. Let’s head back to the truck.”

Honestly, I have no sympathy for this guy. Anyone who messes with animals of any kind, wild or not, deserves a good old fashioned mauling. Same for bullfighters, man. I love it when the bull just gores the bejesus out of some dope with a cape.

PS- I’m no expert in the area of hunting dangerous animals but it seems like splitting up would be a bad idea. You know, maybe keep a friend with a gun handy. Just sayin’.

Yes, they call them that. Seriously. Promposals. I have no idea when they started but they’re a fairly recent phenomenon, kids asking each other to the prom in various outlandish ways. It just has to be an elaborate spectacle, because doesn’t everything these days? They do it for homecoming too, or as they call it, “HoCo.” Anywho, here are a few examples, along with my grades:

Grade: F. Yes, that’s a tattoo. And yes honey, your moron boyfriend in fact DID take it too far. Good God.

Grade: D+. The only one saving this one is the donuts. Donuts is good.

Grade: D-. Is that a cheese pizza? Just a poor effort all-around.

Grade: D-. Seriously? Votive candles in the driveway? Too easy.

Grade: D-. What is this obsession with food?

Grade: C-. Wait. Are the shoes a gift? I’m confused.

Grade: F–. I’m sure the girl’s parents were thrilled with this stunt. Dude has creepy perv written all over him.

Honestly, I suppose it’s a relatively harmless thing really, provides some fun for the kids and whatnot. Still, why does everything have to be such a production these days? Is it because there’s pressure to top your friends on social media? All flash and glitz, but where’s the substance, man? Sure, you can set off fireworks or have a write your prom invitation in the sky with one of those skywriters, but what happens after all the excitement? At some point you’re going to have to, you know, hold a conversation or something.

Let’s go back to my high school days. My girlfriend Tonya and I are sitting at the Fiesta Drive-In, watching Shriek of the Mutilated (actual movie- look it up) or something. We’re enjoying a tasty pizza and a couple Stroh’s Yoo-hoos when the following conversation ensues:

“Hey, the prom is next Saturday. Wanna go?”

“Sure. Hey, can you run to the concession stand and get me some Hot Tamales?”

Sorta like that.

What can I say? ‘Twas a simpler time.

Listen, everybody knows how I despise the fairly recent trend where the wedding party dances into the reception, basically acting like fools. I’ve seen people ziplining in, grooms walking up the actual wedding aisle doing tricks with a soccer ball, all sorts of ludicrous activity. Why do I dislike this stuff, you ask? Well, basically it’s because I think the big day should be all about the bride, ya know? Not some doofus shimmying into the reception like Steph Curry after a routine 3-pointer. It’s not about you, ya assclown. And this may sound odd coming from a guy who is 0 for 2 in the marriage game, but to me all those goofy shenanigans take away from the actual ceremony, which should be sort of sacred, right? Yeah, I know the reception is different from the ceremony but do you really want everyone going home remembering what happens in this video? I think not. On a related note, that bridesmaid might be dead.

I swear to God that asshat is still dancing after that debacle.


Classy on the left, dumbassy on the right. Seriously, any woman that would allow this must be madly in love, man. Either that or the toolbag is controlling the relationship. The backward hats just top off the dopey ensemble, don’t they? On a related jerk note, that third guy from the right seems to be texting. How fitting. Have mercy.

This death trap is called The Sky Pool. It juts from the 42nd floor of areal estate development called Market Square Tower in Houston, Texas. Why people build stuff like this is beyond me. Are we that desperate for thrills? I swear to God I get dizzy watching the video. I’m just waiting for the floor to crack and that guy to plummet 42-floors to his death. Thanks but no thanks, man.

Regular readers know just how much myself and my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied hate bad parking, especially asshats who think they have special privileges because they drive an expensive car. And parking in handicapped spots is a particularly unforgivable sin. You can find proof of our mean-spiritedness at our Asshat Parkers of the Day site. Our basic philosophy is this – if your asshattery is so strong that you need to perform the asshatish act of taking up two spots, go to the far corner of the damn lot. It’s not a complex concept, asshat. Anyhoo, what follows is my Top 10 Acts of Asshat Parking Revenge. Kudos to these fine Americans who are fighting this righteous, noble fight. Let us begin . . .

This first one is a rather harmless, though annoying act of revenge. I suppose it could be quickly rectified with a pocket knife, but it is irritating and point proving nonetheless. Other acts of revenge can much more malicious, as you shall soon see.

Next we have an asshat who made the mistake of parking in someone’s business lot illegally. Rather than calling a tow truck, this awe-inspiring do-gooder pulled out his handy-dandy forklift. Well done, sir.

What we see below is an asshat who made the egregious error of parking his precious vehicle on one of those grass islands rather than the actual lot so it wouldn’t get dinged. Seems he had a reputation for this asshattishly boorish behavior. Hence the bros lifting some concrete parking dividers to hem the asshat in. Kudo, bros. Kudos.

In the photo below we have an asshat who, although the spot was clearly marked “No Parking,” thought he could squeeze in because he had one of those obnoxious little smart cars. As you can see by the photo below, smart car, dumb owner. Note: I would have probably just picked it up and put it in a tree or something.

Here we have the act of some heroic mall workers, exacting sweet revenge on an asshat who left his car there after business hours, a rule clearly posted for all to see. Except asshats of course. Interlocking shopping carts – genius!

Hey asshat! You parked in a clearly marked spot for motorcycles! Good job, motorcycle dude. Note: I know 2-people could easily move the motorcycle, but still a nice effort.

Oh, how I love this next one. Now this asshat can never say he didn’t see the line. PS- That’s probably tape but oh how I wish it were paint. Wait. It’s clearly tape. Disregard.

Word of warning to all asshats: Never block a fire hydrant when the firefighters care about to roll in. And I love the fact that although the firemen had plenty of hose [insert joke here], they busted the windows out anyway. Firemen, man.

One of my all-time favorites. When an Asshat Vette owner rolled into a prime spot in front of a Red Robin near Boston, heroic Asshat Patrol member Kyle DeMattia took action. He even took video of his courageous act, which you may view below the photo. You are a legend, Kyle DeMattia. A legend I say.

Lastly we have proof that righteous, virtuous and honorable people still exist in this world, in this particular case Maringa, Brazil. This photo shows the breathtaking and honorable public shaming of an asshat who illegally parked in a handicapped spot. Hundreds of people lined up on both sides of the street to jeer and laugh at this asshat who returned to his car and found it covered with thousands of blue stickers and white wheelchair signs. Glorious, I tell you. Glorious. Felicitações, Brasil!

So be forewarned, asshats. The world is watching, and you shall be held accountable for your asshatish actions. Our movement is growing by leaps and bounds, and we are everywhere. Your solution? Park like a human being and not an asshat.

Here’s noted douche-tool Carmelo Anthony last night, fur-laden because he’s apparently doing some post-game trapping in the Yukon and not hopping into his limo before it even exits the bowels of Madison Square Garden. Nice look, Grizzly Adams.

SourceThe University of Minnesota has done away with the traditional Homecoming King and Queen titles and replaced them with the gender-neutral “Royals” term.

Taking it one step further, University of Minnesota officials also pointed out that the winners don’t even have to be one biological male and one biological female, stating on its website: “‘Royals’ … can be any combination of any gender identity.”

Campus officials called the change a move “toward gender inclusivity” that promotes “a spirit of inclusion at the University of Minnesota.”

Whew. Thank God this has been cleared up. For years schools all over the country have been electing homecoming kings and queens willy-nilly as chaos ruled the day. Well, after years of suffering and senselessness, the powers-that-be in Golden Gopher Land have set things right. Thank God for them.

PS – Seriously, what a waste of time. Why not just let a gay man run for queen or a gay woman run for king? Who the hell cares? And how long before the University of Minnesota rids itself of this insensitive Golden Gopher mascot? It’s offensive to gophers everywhere, man! On a related note, the wussification continues . . .