Archive for the ‘Things I Hate’ Category

It’s common knowledge that smart phones have turned most of us into mindless, unimaginative automatons who are losing our ability to interact with each other like the human beings we’re supposed to be. How many times have you seen a couple at a restaurant, heads down, looking at their phones? Passed a car and saw the driver, head down and looking dazed and confused into his mobile device? I know the answer. Of course you have. And hey, I’m no exception. It’s a constant battle for me as well. With all that said, I shall now give you a stark example of how life as we know it has been forever changed by the smart phone.

To begin, I give you this photo of a golf gallery watching Tiger Woods in 2002. Just look at everyone. Taking in the moment, not wanting to miss a second, all eyes on Tiger, soaking it in and embedding the moment into their memory forever . . .

And now, let us fast forward to 2018. Same golfer, different gallery, different time . . .

Yep. 99% of the people are not actually watching what’s happening. They’re watching the moment, and their life, through their cell phones.

I weep for the future of humanity.

Terrifying Fact: People spend an average of 4.7 hours of a day looking at their smart phones. Watch the video below to have your mind boggled.

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Aw. Look at Marshmallow.

Wilmette, IL: Just after returning home from a walk around the block with her dog, Marshmallow, an 8-year-old Wilmette girl expected a visit from a playmate. Instead, police officers arrived at the family’s door. An anonymous caller had contacted police after seeing the girl walking the dog alone, said her mother, Corey Widen. The seemingly common activity launched an Illinois Department of Children and Family Services investigation to see if Widen was neglecting her children. Widen said the girl’s walk around the block — most of which Widen says she can see out her windows — is the only time her daughter is unsupervised. 

Oh for the love of God. When I was a 8-years old I used to get up and leave the house without telling anyone, come home for a can of Vienna sausages at lunch, leave the house, come back at 6:00pm for supper, then Mom would tell me to come back when the street lights came on.  She had no idea what the hell I was doing when I was gone. My only rules were to stay out of Paint Creek, don’t get into a car with a stranger and don’t go into old widow Snodgrass’s house over on North Alley Street. In today’s world an 8-year old can’t even take her dog Marshmallow for a walk. Sadly, the Wussification of America is alive and well.

Note: Sanity prevailed. The Police never pursued charges. 

A bride in Canada has launched a foul-mouthed tirade against her friends and family after blaming them for the cancellation of her dream wedding.

The unbelievable story went viral after shots of the bride’s ridiculous rant were posted to online, showing her slamming guests for refusing to give her $1,500 to attend the wedding.

The bride, Susan, took to Facebook to announce the cancellation of her wedding 4-days before the event, blaming guests for not funding her event.

The post starts with Susan announcing the cancellation of the wedding and that her and her partner have split due to “recent and irreparable problems”.

“Before I begin this mini-novel, I invite all of you to put yourselves in my shoes,” the jilted bride wrote.

“For once, let me take the stage and voice the most painful few months of my life.” She then goes on to explain how she had always dreamt of having a huge “blowout” wedding but as her and her partner had only saved $15,000 they turned to their guests to fund the $60,000 event. They told guests they had to send $1500 if they wanted to be invited to the wedding and were absolutely shocked when hardly anyone coughed up.

“I SPECIFICALLY, I mean SPECIFICALLY asked for cash gifts,” she wrote.
“How could we have OUR wedding that WE dreamt of without proper funding?”

The bride became increasingly upset when people weren’t giving them the money they requested. Eventually all of the bride’s friends and family turned on her, including her fiance, over her obsession with having a huge wedding.

She ends the rant by telling everyone she is cutting off all the friends and family who refused to give her money and that she will be in South Africa backpacking for the next two months to get away from this “awful society”.

I’m rarely at a loss for words, but I’m seriously at a loss for words right now. Just kidding, I’m never at a loss for words. Anyway, $1,500 to attend a wedding? Were the Foo Fighters playing and do I have a backstage pass? Because if not that ain’t happening, sister. What in the holy hell happened to getting the happy couple a toaster? Maybe a personalized doormat? May I suggest a Magic Bullet Blender from Best Buy for the low price of $29.99? Honestly though, this may be the most delusional, entitled human being I’ve ever heard of. Here’s hoping Susan has an encounter with a Green Anaconda whilst backpacking in South Africa.

PS- Seriously man, people should be paid to attend weddings, not vice versa. Watching the wedding party dance into the reception makes me cringe every time. I hate forced choreography.

What? Why? WHY? Why would anyone enjoy walking across this invitation to death? Wanna die? Sure, head on across, kids! The steps are only every two damn feet apart! Oh, and the bridges often have 100-mph winds! Woot!

PS- Seriously, nope.

[click and scroll for the high anxiety]

From The Statistics Portal: According to data from the Center for the Study of Hate and Extremism at California State University, hate crime increased across the United States in 2016-2017. In major cities, Portland, Oregon, posted the biggest increase in hate crime by far, up 200%. Arizona followed with 46% while hate crime in New York went up 28%.

So everyone knows I have a crippling fear of clowns, mainly because I’ve bared my soul to the worldwide interweb via this website. Because of this I’m constantly receiving scary clown videos, photos and gifs from so-called “friends”, and by “friends” I mean people who apparently hate me. I mean, would you give your diabetic buddy a candy cane? What the hell people? As a result of this horrific turn of events I spoke to a therapist friend who thought it would be a good idea to just throw caution to the wind and face my fears. After first thinking that my therapist friend had turned on me too, I decided to take her advice and post some of the worst missives I’ve received. Yes, what you are about to witness are my Top 10 Scary Clown Messages sent to me over the past few years. WARNING: May be nightmare inducing.

And here’s a bonus for all my clown buddies! On a related note, go to hell!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a blog whose time has come. It has to be done. Our future, and may I say the fate of humanity, depends on it. What am I talking about, you ask?

The death of grammar. Or rather, the DEATH OF GRAMMAR.

I don’t know, that just seemed to warrant all caps. It’s that important, man. What you’re about to read are a few basic, simple guidelines to using correct grammar. I shall focus on the rules that seem to be broken most often. Let us begin . . .

You’re vs. Your

You’re means “you are.” So, when you say, “You’re sweater is cute” you are incorrect. The correct usage would be “You’re not going to eat those cheese doodles are you? Your means that something belongs to you. So don’t say, “Hey, your welcome to some of my cheese doodles.” That would be incorrect. Instead you would use it as such: “Your cheese doodles look delicious.” See? This is easy. Stay with me kids.

They’re vs. Their vs. There

They’re means “they are” as in “Have you tried my cheese doodles? They’re really good.” Their, however, means it belongs to them, as in “The Dungworth’s keep their cheese doodles in the pantry.” Incorrect usage would be something along the lines of, “I love cheese doodles. Their delicious.” Don’t do that. Want to know about there? OK. There refers to a place, an example being, “My cheese doodles are in my top drawer. Don’t go there.” Please tell me you’re taking notes.

We’re vs. Were

We’re means “we are” and should be used like this: “We’re all having cheese doodles for lunch!” Were, however, is the past tense of are, as in “Wally and Mildred were dating for awhile, but Wally was addicted to cheese doodles. Now they are dating other people.” Get it?

Random thought. Should cheese doodles be capitalized?*

*It should not. I checked.

Then vs. Than

Listen carefully. Then is a point in time, as in “I went to a store to buy cheese doodles, then I went to another store to buy more cheese doodles.” Than, however, is a method of comparison, as in, “I know you love cheese doodles but I love them more than you do.” See? I was comparing our love of cheese doodles.

Two vs. To vs. Too

This is a really easy one. You see, two is simply a number. The number 2, as in “I bought two bags of cheese doodles but I should’ve bought three.” On the other hand, to indicates motion, as in “Hank Moffit is going to the cheese doodle store.” Too can mean either also or excessively, as in “Hey, I like cheese doodles too!” Or, “I love cheese doodles way too much.” Make sense? Good.

Set vs. Sit

The verb set requires an object, like let’s say, oh, a bag of cheese doodles. “Larry set the bag of cheese doodles on the table and his dog Norman took them.” On the other hand, sit doesn’t require a direct object, instead it’s something you do, like when you sit on a couch. Woot! Easy, man. You got this.

Lay vs. Lie

Lay requires an object. To lay is to set or place something in a resting position. Lie does not require an object. So, you lay a bag of cheese doodles on the counter, but you lie down on the couch. Get it? Good.

Note: Remember the Eric Clapton song “Lay Down Sally”? It should’ve been called “Lie Down Sally.” Also, the lyrics to Bob Dylan’s song “Lay Lady Lay” should actually be “Lie lady lie, lie across my big brass bed.” True story. It also gets confusing because lie can also mean a falsehood. It’s a mad world I tell ya.

Seen vs. Saw

This one seems to be common for some reason. Saw is the past tense of the verb see, and usually comes immediately after nouns and pronouns. Example: “Charlie saw a bag of cheese doodles.” On the other hand, the word seen can’t stand alone. It needs another verb like has or had to help it out, unlike saw. Check out this sentence: “Charlie has seen many cheese doodles, but none like the cheese doodles he saw today.” So to review, saw is usually used after nouns and pronouns, and seen is used with a buddy word like have, has, had, was, or were.

Whose vs. Who’s

This one is simple. Who’s is a contraction of who and is, as in “Who’s hungry for cheese doodles?” Whose is a possessive pronoun, and you use it when you’re asking or telling whom something belongs to. Example: “Whose cheese doodles are these?” So, who’s = who is and whose = Possessive of Who. Done dizzle.

Its vs. It’s

Again, simple. This one gets mixed-up because an apostrophe often indicates possession, but it’s is a contraction for it is. Its is a possessive pronoun and might be used like this: “The cheese doodle and its glorious golden hue were a sight to behold.” See? The cheese doodle possessed a golden hue, thus the use of the word its.

Lose vs. Loose

Another really simple one that there is no excuse for screwing up. You lose a bag of cheese doodles. Your cows get loose. Good Lord.

Good vs. Well

All you need to remember is that good modifies a person, place, or thing, and well modifies an action. If you’re having a good day, then your day is going well. Technically, “I’m good” or “You did good” is poor grammar. It should be “You did well.” I’ve actually heard grammar Nazis respond to that one with “How good are you?” Anyway, sorry everyone including me. I mess that one up all the time.

Using Apostrophes to Make Words Plural

I see this all the time as well. For some reason people seem to think that you should use an apostrophe to make a word plural. You do not. “My son Ethan won three trophy’s at the fair” is incorrect. Just add an S, man.

The Unnecessary “At”

Heard all over Southern Ohio and beyond: “Where you at?” You don’t need the “at” kids! Try “Where are you?” It will do just fine! Free your soul of the unnecessary at! You can do this!

Honestly, these mistakes probably bother me the most when I see educators do it. Come on, teachers. You’re better than that. Clean it up.

And hey, before you start correcting all the mistakes I’ve made in this blog please understand I know I’m far from perfect. I make plenty of mistakes too.

PS- Before you message me, I’m pretty sure I violated several uses of quotation marks during this blog. So sue me.

PPS- “So sue me” isn’t a complete sentence. I know this. I’m allowed to use something called Creative and Artistic License, man. Chill.

***BONUS BLOG ALERT***

It’s “I couldn’t care less.” “I could care less” means you probably do actually care.

“Literally” means it actually happened. If you say, “I literally shit my pants” you shit your pants.

“Affect” is a verb. “Effect” is a noun.

“Irregardless” is not a word. 

Thank you and goodnight.

Are you like me and have some level of OCD? When you see someone with the tag on their shirt sticking out do you tell them to put it back in? Do you do it yourself? Because I may or may not have done that to a total stranger in the checkout line at Dollar General once. It also bothers the hell out of me when I see the clasp on someone’s necklace hanging down in front when it should be in its rightful place, which is up on the back of their damn neck. When I get gas the total price has to end in an odd number. I also count steps when I go up or down them, and if the final number is even I’m not happy with it. Lint on somebody’s sweater? Don’t even go there. Anywho, there are many more examples but you get the picture. What you’ll find below are 11 photos of other things that annoy people like me. Take a gander and tell me what you think. Click on the first photo and scroll on through.

I know, I know, this has all been discussed before on some level. I mean, we bitch daily about terrible drivers, right? It’s sort of an American national pastime. Still, nothing seems to be changing. People still suck at driving. That said, myself and my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied compiled a list, narrowed it down, and are set to present our Top 12 Driving Pet Peeves.

Note: Our staff is comprised of people from several nationalities, and the consensus is that although bad driving is universal, Vietnam definitely has the worst drivers. I’m not sure though. Watching this video makes me think they might just have the best drivers.

And now, on to our list . . .

Not Using Your Turn Signals

This one is pretty common, right? Idiots who can’t reach their hand 4-inches over and flip a simple turn signal switch to let you know they’re about to make a turn? Is that too much to ask? For some lazy asses, the answer is apparently yes.

Driving Side-By-Side On a 4-Lane Highway

Yep. Nothing worse than some jackwagon in the left lane driving right beside somebody in the right lane, going at exactly the same speed. Dude, drive faster and get back in the right lane! Or, slow down and get back in the right lane! Either will suffice! Do it man! You’re holding up traffic!

Going Too Slow In The Left Lane

This is another common one, amirite? Dude, move the hell over. How hard is this to understand? How many times have you driven by some guy in the left lane, just oblivious to the fact that cars are whizzing by him on the freakin’ right? Jesus God, this is not hard folks.

Slowing Down When Merging

Oh, this one kills me. You’re merging into a slew of cars going 75-mph, and you expect to seamlessly blend in with them by starting at 10-mph? Hell, I’ve even seen people come to a complete stop! You have to get up to their speed to merge you twatwaffle! I need to take a break. Gimme a second.

Ok, I’m fine now. Let us proceed.

Speeding Up When Someone Is Passing You

Why, oh why, do people do this? Do they somehow feel less of a human being because they’re being passed? Are they losing their self-worth? Or are they just huge dipwads? I vote dipwad. I swear to God I fight the urge to ram them every time but I haven’t.

Yet.

Slowing Almost To A Stop When Making a Turn

Am I the only one who sees this? People slowing down to a speed of 1-mph to make a turn into a gas station or something? Do they think they’re going to roll their 1983 Chevy Citation and end up in a fireball of death? Hell, I’ve even seen people STOP before turning. For the love of all that is holy, make it stop.

Sitting Too Long At Green Lights

You know why this has gotten worse, right? Because of our damn cell phones. We can’t let 60-seconds go by without checking to see how many Facebook likes we got for that photo of the Braised Leeks with Mozzarella we had for dinner last night, right? Jeebus.

Crossing The Line In Double Turns

Ok, let me explain. Let’s say two lanes are turning left on a 4-lane road. Inevitably some crackerhead on the inside lane will take a wide turn and run the outside guy into a damn guardrail. OR, the outside guy will turn too sharply and force the inside guy into the opposite lane of oncoming traffic. For you locals reading this, it happens on the exit ramp from 35 East to Bridge Street North daily.

Pulling Out In Front Of Me And Then Driving Too Slowly

This just happened to me today. I’m cruising comfortably at 60-mph when some woman in a Subaru Impreza pulls right out in front of me. Now, if I accidentally pull out in front of someone the least I can do is get up to speed as quickly as I can. However, this lady proceeded to poke along at a blistering 40-mph. Did I ram her? I did not. Did I think about it? I did.

Hitting Your Brakes Constantly

Do some people drive with both feet? One on the gas pedal and one on the brake? Serious question. Because I’ve followed schmuckbags on freeways at 75-mph with their brake lights popping on and off like a goddamn emergency flasher. And I don’t know about you, but my first reaction when seeing brake lights is to hit my own brakes. That’s not good on a busy freeway, dude. Lay off your brakes.

People Who Don’t Take Ownership of the Intersection

Here’s the deal. You’re sitting at a light, ready to turn left. The light turns green but you can’t turn until oncoming traffic passes through. Please, in the name of all that is holy, pull up and take ownership of the intersection. That way, even if the light changes you can make your turn. Otherwise you could sit there through several lights, man! Think about the people behind you!

Note: I have no idea if this is even legal. I don’t care. Do it.

People Who Ride My Bumper

Another age-old problem. I’m sure people in old England looked back from their carriages and yelled zingers like, “Hey, back off ye olde mutton headed dolly-whomper!” Seriously, you can brake check a guy that’s all up on your ass but I prefer the old windshield wiper fluid method. Just hit that fluid and watch them have to use their wipers too. It pisses people off, especially those redneck hee-haws who hate to get anything on their giant trucks.*

*In reality I usually just slow down and pull over a little to let them pass. See how I’ve matured and whatnot? Good for me I guess.

People Who Change Speeds

You’ve seen these douchesticks, right? I saw several when I took my east coast trip last fall. Even though I have my cruise control set for 75, some jackass will inevitably fly by me, then slow down, then I pass him, then he passes me with a dirty look, then he slows down again, and this goes on ad nauseum, all while I’m continuing at a steady speed of 75 mph. Sweet baby Jesus.

So there you go, my Top 12 Driving Pet Peeves. Did I overlook something? If so hit me up in the comments. And drive safely kids!

PS- I just had a great idea. Scrolling signs for the back of vehicles. You could have pre-programmed messages on it to flash at people like, “Get off my ass you assturd!” or other witty jabs. You could even send a message to that cute guy or girl you just passed, something like, “Meet me at the Wawa Gas Station off exit 39?” You know, stuff like that. I think I’m on to something here.

 

So Robert Williams achieved his life-long dream of being drafted into the NBA a couple weeks ago. Dude is about to sign a contract with the Celtics that will take care of his family for generations. He’ll be playing against the likes of LeBron James, Steph Curry and James Harden. So how is he handling it?

First, he overslept and missed his introductory conference call. Then, he overslept and missed his flight to Boston for the start of Summer League practice.

Sigh. Robert, Robert, Robert. Glad you’re taking this seriously, young man. Somewhere, Larry Bird weeps.


 

 

Well, maybe not killing now but it will eventually. Listen, I love basketball but you have to call this. You have to. What is the rationale for not? I don’t get it. MAKE THE CALL!

 


So Carrot Dogs are a thing now, and I believe this may be the beginning of the end of humanity. From the Washington Post:

This plant-based take on hot dogs gives carrots a roasted red pepper treatment: Char (either on the grill or under the broiler) and steam them, and then peel off the skins. They end up nicely cooked and lightly smoke-tinged, making them perfect for a cookout. Choose the largest, thickest carrots you can find; they shrink during cooking, and you can always trim the narrow end to fit the bun. Serve these carrot dogs nestled in buns with the toppings such as vegetarian chili, cheddar, chopped onion, sauerkraut, kimchi, pickles/relish, ketchup and spicy mustard.

Oh for the love of God. I swear I didn’t even know carrots had skins, but the idea of a charred skinless carrot sounds disgusting. And I don’t care how much cheese, chili, and spicy mustard you put on a skinless carrot, it’s still a skinless carrot.

Note: I always have people messaging me telling how wonderful crap like this tastes. Save it. Also, I know regular hot dog ingredients include chicken trimmings and sheep casing. I don’t care. They’re delicious. 

It may be the most epic baseball playoff matchup in history, and it didn’t even involve a pitch. As reported by GametimeCT.com, a Southern Connecticut Conference baseball quarterfinal between Amity and North Haven was postponed due to weather, but still earned a result when the two teams decided to play rock-paper-scissors to decide a winner. The lighthearted battle went 11 rounds, with North Haven eventually emerging with a 6-5 upset victory with a deft use of scissors.

The issue is that whether the teams wanted it or not, the result won’t count in the official SCC logs. Per GametimeCT.com’s Peter Paguaga — whose “game story” may be the most epic piece of baseball prose of the past calendar year — the SCC commissioner’s office is now determining whether to accept the rock-paper-scissors result as the equivalent of an actual baseball game.

The odds of that ruling coming down in the affirmative are probably small. In short, it ain’t happening. Still, the creativity employed by both teams, and the enthusiasm of using a unique way of deciding a result during a time crunch, likely brought more enjoyment than anything else either could have done. And if enjoyment is the entire goal for high school sports, which is allegedly the most genuine and earnest form of athletics, shouldn’t that be enough to justify accepting a rock-paper-scissors battle as a bona fide baseball quarterfinal result?

Uh, no. No, it shouldn’t. But let’s digress a little. Soooo, you’re saying that winning a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors would be more fun than, you know, actually winning the game by using the skills you developed in practice to get better at the game you love? What’s next, deciding a basketball game by playing a game of Hungry Hippos?

Sweet Mother of God.

On a related note, if the SCC Commissioner allows this to stand he should be beaten with rocks, stabbed with scissors, and suffer a thousand paper cuts.

Heaven help us all.

Here’s the hotly contested, intense, character building contest:

Note: I refuse to believe these kids thought this would actually count as a game. No way.

Well, so much for Wedding Day being all about the bride, huh? Listen, everyone knows how I feel about this sort of stuff. Maybe I’m being old fashioned here, but l say the bride should get all the attention and not some assclown with his guitar. It’s not about you, idiot. At least save it for the reception.

PS- This ranks right up there with the groom who showcased his soccer skills by kicking a ball up the aisle. Good grief. 

PPS- Hell, I could have shot free throws to show off at my wedding.

PPPS- Correction: Weddings.

PPPPS- November Rain does have a killer guitar solo though.

Nothing worse than late people. They’re selfish and basically telling you their time is more important than yours. Anyway, love the tweet.

CBS Boston – Julia Hartwell loves her dolls, arts and crafts, and like most four-year-olds, she has a best friend. However, that’s not a term Julia can use at Pentucket Workshop Preschool in Georgetown. Her mother, Christine Hartwell, says, “The teacher told her she couldn’t say that in school.”

The Georgetown preschool offered an explanation to Julia’s parents, saying the term best friend “can lead other children to feel excluded” and it “can ultimately lead to the formation of “cliques” and “outsiders.” The preschool wrote, they “encourage children to have a broader group of friends, and foster inclusion at this particular age.”

Oh, for the love of God. Now the schools are telling our kids they can’t have “best friends.” Hey, I met my best friend Dave Allen in second grade and we remain best friends today. Sure, he’s a highfalutin (that’s how you spell it, I looked it up so shut it) doctor in the big city who only sees me at his convenience, but still.*

My point is, who in the hell can tell us who our friends are? Answer: Nobody. If you have no friends you need to take a look in the mirror, amirite? Newsflash: Everyone is not popular in preschool. Some are better at coloring, others are really good at somersaults or counting or drawing circles and stuff. Figure it out, man. Carve out your niche. Learn how to make friends without your damn school’s help. Sad really. Get it together, America!

*Just kidding, J.R.

Where’s an 18-wheeler when you need one?

Yeah. This view right here.

Just a quick note for all you guys out there that drive those giant trucks. You know, the ones that have tires taller than my little Veloster that I affectionately call Ruby. Yes, I named my car. Deal with it.

Anyway, here’s the deal. Today I was pulling onto Bridge Street getting ready to turn right. I was on a two-lane road going one way, so Giant Truck Guy could pull up beside me to turn left. Now, I had to simply turn right onto the street, but Giant Truck Guy had to cross traffic to turn left. Do you have the visual or have I completely screwed this up? OK, to the 12% of you that are still with me let me proceed.

What does Giant Truck Guy and 99% of all Giant Truck Guys do in this situation? They pull up right beside me, or maybe a little bit in front of me, so I can’t see a damn thing. See, Giant Truck Guy, you can literally see over me, but all I can see is the writing on the side of your giant front tire. Hence, I cannot turn left without risk of getting t-boned by an oncoming soccer mom van, all because of your inconsideration. Is there a solution to this problem, you ask? There is. Simply stay back a tad so I can see around the front of your giant grill. After all, from your vantage point you can undoubtedly see to Lake Erie, so this shall come as no inconvenience to you.

See? Easily fixed. Thank you and good day.

So here we are. It’s 2018. Apparently everything has to be a big production now, amirite? I mean, we actually have something called Kindergarten Graduation. What, little Miles stayed within the lines when he colored that dragon? Aren’t you supposed to graduate kindergarten? Has anyone ever failed kindergarten? Yet we have a graduation? Why? And what are kindergartners graduating into? First grade?

Anyway, back in my day we had one graduation – when we graduated high school.

And I know, I sound like one of those “get off my lawn” guys lamenting about the good old days. To that I say deal with it, it’s my website. And hey, you are reading this, so there’s that.

But back to the point that everything has to be a big production nowadays, and how it differs from when I was in school. Let’s do this . . .

Today, there’s such a thing as a “promposal.” I’m being serious here, it’s a real thing. Let’s say a dude wants to ask a girl to the prom. Keep in mind it doesn’t have to be somebody he’s never dated, it can be his girlfriend of 7-years. Doesn’t matter. He still has to come up with a promposal to ask his girl to the prom, and it has to be spectacular, like a unicorn showing up with the invitation taped to its horn. OK, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but you do see a lot of stuff like this:

Please. You know how I asked Tonya Primer to the prom when I was in high school? Honestly I can’t remember but I’m guessing it happened when we were watching The Towering Inferno or something at The Fiesta drive-in theater:

“Hey, the prom is in a few weeks. You wanna go?”

“Sure. Hand me a slice of pizza.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my promposal, circa 1974.

Note: Kids also do this for Homecoming, the Christmas Dance and when going to Krispy Kreme for some Apple Fritters. OK, maybe I made that last part up.

And hey, what about the new “Gender Reveal Parties” that are all the rage? [Insert your own Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner joke here]. You can’t simply find out if your baby is a boy or a girl and tell your friends the next time you run into them, you have to throw a party and have the big reveal! Woot! It’s a boy! Or girl! Whatever. I actually read about one such party where the woman smashed a piñata and it exploded with pink confetti, revealing to all that the baby was a girl. I got chills typing that, except not really. Honestly, not only do I think these parties are dumb, I think that watching couples trying to out-cute each other with party ideas is the height of comedy. Seriously folks, not everyone is as excited as you are about every detail of your child’s life, let alone its pre-life. Just because it’s important to you doesn’t mean it’s important to everyone else. B-a-a-a-c-k it up a little.

Back when I was born I’m pretty sure I popped out, the doctor held me up, took a look, said, “Hey, it’s a boy!” and that was that. Mom then took me home, put me in a crib and went out to chop some wood or something. Hey, people were tougher back then.

Anyway, promposals and gender reveal parties? Not a fan.

PS- This is sort of hard to believe, but it wasn’t until the latter half of the 1980’s that women in the United States began routinely finding out the sex of their babies before birth. Seriously, I looked it up. That’s wild, man.

 

 

Nope.

Rueters: No one loves the Home of Unlimited Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks as much as one Arkansas couple who has decided to name their daughter after Olive Garden. When Justin and Jordan Garton found out that they would be having their first child in December 2017, they knew they wanted to give her a name with “Italian origins,” ABC News reports. After considering and then rejecting the name Olive Garton, they landed on the much more subtle Olivia Garton. Soon after marrying in 2015, the Gartons bought Olive Garden’s famous “never-ending pasta pass” for $100, allowing them to eat unlimited amounts of pasta and guzzle countless soft drinks at their local restaurant for a set period of time. For six to seven weeks, the couple ate there every single day. Because of Justin’s Italian roots and their love of the eatery, when the couple found out they were expecting, they knew they wanted to give their first child an Italian name. For a while, they considered naming her Olive but ultimately decided it would be too much — they feared kids would bully their daughter named after the Italian eatery. When they landed on Olivia, though, they both knew “immediately” that it was the one. In their minds, that’s a less mockable pun. The couple also landed on a middle name, Michelle. Her initials will be OMG.

Hey Justin and Jordan Garton, let me give you some advice. If you don’t want your kid bullied, don’t name her after an Italian restaurant chain. And what will you name your next kid? Redd Lawbster? Crakker Barrell? Buffelow Wildwing? PF Chang? Wait. That last one might actually work.

And OMG for her initials? Nah, that will never get here picked on.

On a related note, I shall now give my Top 5 restaurants you could name your kid after and it would be cool:

  1. Bonefish
  2. Carrabba
  3. Longhorn (boys only)
  4. O’ Charley
  5. Benihana

Thank you and goodnight.

Not the actual lion but a man can dream, right?

Daily Mail: A big cat poacher has been killed and eaten by the pride of lion he was hunting at a private game reserve in South Africa. The hunter was heard screaming for help as he was attacked at the Ingwelala Private Nature Reserve in Hoedspruit outside Phalaborwa. But the lions quickly killed their victim and devoured most of his body before being chased off, leaving his head untouched. A hunting rifle was found close to what was left of the blood drenched body. 

Man, what a great way to start the day, huh? It’s like Christmas morning up in here. Nothing is better than an animal turning the tables on bad humans. Nothing. Hey, Mr. Poacher, how do like me now? Oh, that’s right, you can’t like anything because all that’s left of you is your head! Hahahahaha! Karma baby!

PS- You know those lions left that head on purpose. Talk about sending a message to the poaching community. Boom. Bring it on, poachers.

 

So Tom Brady sent this gem out yesterday, just to remind us that he’s Tom Brady and we’re not, that he’s married to a super model, and they’re about to get cozy on some island in the Caribbean. Just cocky as all hell. But hey, Tommy? You can’t deflect attention from the fact you lost that Super Bowl, big guy. Plus your shoes and shorts combo sucks.

A few years ago I wrote a lukewarm widely acclaimed blog called 9 People I Hate at Rock Concerts. It included idiots like people who sing too loud, text during the show, bitch about the opening act, stuff like that. Do yourself a favor and read it. Well, recently another habit has reared it’s ugly head at concerts, and it is not pretty. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Tablet Guy:

Ever notice how sports talking heads have to constantly beat us over the head with useless statistics? Just mindless, meaningless, dare I say counterproductive information that actually leave us dumber in their wake?

Yeah, me too, and I’m sick of it. Theretofore, today begins my war against this useless drivel that rains down upon us on with alarming regularity. First off, some stats are so ridiculously obvious they’re worthless. To wit:

“Golden State is 89-0 while leading by 23 or more points with less than a minute to play in regulation.”  

Gee, ya think?

Other stats are even more witless. I shall now point out a few examples of what I may or may not have heard on TV and radio over the past few months but I quite possibly may have simply made up. Either way, you’ll get my point.

I hope. Let us begin . . .

“Jimmy Joe Snorkelwhipple is the 2nd player to have a triple-double on Christmas Day whilst wearing a man bun.”

“Artie ‘Goatface’ Mortlingdickle is the 3rd player to gain 100-yards on his 25th birthday while wearing #32 and having the nickname ‘Goatface’.”

Max Smorkendoodle is the 7th player to hit a home run while playing against a team with 3-players named Henry who have sets of triplets named Michael, Mika and Mickey.”

“DeShawn Jackson is the 33,510,113th player to play professional sports while being pursued by a Kardashian.”

Incidentally, I made up those names. Didn’t want you think those were actual professional athletes. But you get the picture, right? Do we really need the dumb sports stats? I think we do not.

I mean, can’t you make up a statistic about anything? For instance, I just created this stat about me, which happens to be true:

“Dave Shoemaker is the first Paint Valley basketball coach in history named Dave Shoemaker to coach a team that defeated Southeastern and Adena a week prior to eating 37-shrimp cocktails on Christmas Eve while owning a dog named Sparky who once won a fight with a coyote.”

See what I mean? Dumb.

In the interest of my blogging integrity I shall now give you actual, real-life stats given by actual, real-life sports announcers. Be amazed.

“He was the second pitcher in the last 83-years to win 13 more games than he lost for a team finishing 13-games or worse under .500.”

83-years? Really? On a related note, I had to read that 5-times before I sort of understood it.

“He’s the first player since 1912 with 50-doubles and 50-stolen bases in one season.”

So we’re combining doubles and steals to make up a stat? What’s next, foul balls and ear hair?

“He’s the first catcher over the age of 35 to hit .330 with 20-homers and 85-runs batted in.”

So let me get this straight. There could be another catcher over 35 with 25-homers and 80-RBIs? See what I’m saying? Geesh.

In conclusion, I give you one more meaningless statistic:

“What you have just read is the only blog written on December 26th, 2017 that contained the words Snorkelwhipple, Mortlingdickle, Goatface and Kardashian.”

God I’m bored. I need a nap.