Archive for May, 2017

Can’t touch this.

So the folks over at NASA shot out this tweet yesterday and it got my attention:

“We’ve renamed our first mission to touch the sun as the Parker Solar Probe in honor of astrophysicist Eugene Parker.”

Wait? Touch the sun? Hey, I’m no scientist but I’m 77% sure you can’t touch the sun. Pretty sure it’s too hot. After all, it’s like 800° or something, right? Anywho, later on came a slight clarification:

“In 2018, NASA will send a craft called the Parker Solar Probe on a journey which will come within 4-million miles of the searing surface of the sun, facing heat and radiation more intense than any spacecraft has endured before.”

4-million miles? Getting 4-million miles from the sun is touching?

Badasses.

Hell, by that logic I’ve been touching Kate Beckinsale for years now. Honestly, this is another case of NASA blowing things out of proportion in order to justify their existence. Listen, I have nothing against NASA but since the original Mercury 7 astronauts things have been going downhill. Even Neil Armstrong couldn’t match up with those guys. Those cats were the Space Cowboys, man.

Touching the sun. Seriously NASA, let us know when you contact some aliens. Otherwise nobody cares.

PS – I know the sun is hotter than 800°. I was kidding. It’s actually 27,000,000°. Some people can’t seem to get my humor at times. Life’s tough for a world famous blogger, man.

PPS – I had a killer Uranus joke to put in there but I just couldn’t pull the trigger.

Ever notice how our President’s age during their time in office? You can see it on President Trump already. Hair goes gray and they seem to age abnormally quickly. It’s the pressure, man. It’s more pressure than any human on earth faces. I mean, basically the fate of the entire world hinges on the decisions you make. That said, a few presidents have admitted their greatest presidential regrets. Read on to find out what they are . . .

George W. Bush – The War in Iraq

When asked in a 2008 interview about his biggest regret as president, George W. Bush surprisingly listed the Iraq War. While he did not regret everything that occurred in Iraq, the president seemed distraught over intelligence failures. He claimed this was the biggest regret of his presidency, stating, “I wish the intelligence had been different, and better, I guess.”

Bush denied accusations that his administration had intentionally misled Congress. He noted members of Congress read all the same reports his staff did and still decided to go forward with the invasion. He was disappointed things in Iraq did not go as planned, and that they didn’t find any “weapons of mass destruction.”

John Quincy Adams –  His Treatment Of Native Americans

When John Quincy Adams took office, the Indian Springs Treaty was waiting on his desk. The treaty forced the Creek Nation, living in what is now Georgia, to give up their land and move west. As Congress had already voted in favor of the treaty, Adams signed it as soon as he took office. It was an act he regretted almost immediately.

Leaders of the Creek Nation met with Adams, changing his views on the nation’s treatment of its Native American populations. Adams tried to annul the treaty, but his attempts were blocked by Congress and the state of Georgia threatened military action. While a new treaty was eventually drafted, the Creek Nation still had to cede two-thirds of their land to Georgia. A third treaty, passed a year later, forced the Creek Nation to give up all remaining land.

Adams both regretted the Indian Springs Treaty and the nation’s treatment of Native Americans overall. He would go on to write about this in his personal diary. “We have talked of benevolence and humanity, and preached them into civilization, but none of this benevolence is felt where the right of the Indian comes in collision with the interest of the white man.” Sadly, his time in the White House would forever be judged by his poor treatment of Native Americans.

George H.W. Bush – Not Taking Out Saddam Hussein

Had George H.W. Bush succeeded in getting Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein out of power, perhaps the Second Iraq War could have been avoided. Bush regretted not continuing with action in Iraq until Hussein surrendered. He believed, had the Gulf War gone on longer, Hussein could have been removed from power.

Apparently an FBI agent told Bush that he was certain Hussein would have eventually surrendered had military action continued. While Bush still considers the ending of the Gulf War a military success, he regrets it did not have a better, more final conclusion. He feels that had he forced Hussein into surrendering, the later troubles his son faced in Iraq could have been avoided.

Barack Obama – His Handling Of Libya
In 2011, Obama helped remove Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi from power. While he knew intervening was the right decision, he regrets his lack of a follow-up plan. Libya was thrown into turmoil after Gaddafi’s removal, and the country is still recovering today.

Obama said in an interview that his failure to plan for the day after the intervention was his worst mistake as president.

Bill Clinton – Not Bringing Peace To The Middle East

Nope, the Monica Lewinsky scandal and subsequent impeachment threat was not Bill Clinton’s biggest regret as president. Clinton was actually more concerned with his handling of conflict in the Middle East. When asked about his biggest regret as president, he said he wished he had done more to smooth over tensions between Israel and Palestine.

My number one regret is that I was not able to persuade Yasser Arafat to accept the peace plan I offered at the end of my presidency,” Clinton said. Clinton believes, had Arafat accepted the terms of the agreement, he could have spent the coming years making progress towards peace in Israel.

Dwight Eisenhower – His Own Supreme Court Pick

When Dwight D. Eisenhower originally appointed Earl Warren as a Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, he was confident in his decision. He stated Warren had the kind of political, economic, and social thinking the country needed. However, after Warren led the court in a series of liberal decisions, the conservative Eisenhower’s feelings towards him soured. Eisenhower would go on to call the appointment the “biggest damned-fool mistake I ever made.

Jimmy Carter – His Handling Of The Iran Hostage Crisis

No shocker here. Most historians feel that, had Carter handled the Iran Hostage Crisis in a more timely fashion, he would have been elected for a second term. Carter apparently agrees. In an interview in 2015, Carter admitted he wished he had sent more helicopters in sooner to remove the 52 American diplomats and citizens that were held hostage in Iran for 444 days starting in November of 1979.

Carter said, “I wish I had one more helicopter to get the hostages, and had we rescued them I’d have been re-elected.”

Richard Nixon – Delaying The Vietnam Bombings
Watergate seems like it would be the biggest regret for Richard Nixon, but he apparently felt the scandal that cost him the presidency was not his worst fumble. In a Meet The Press interview, Nixon claimed that delaying the bombing of North Vietnam was his biggest regret as president. Nixon hit Vietnam with bombs in 1972, but wishes he had taken action as early as 1969.

“I talked to Henry Kissinger about it,” Nixon says, “But we were stuck with the bombing halt that we had inherited from the Johnson administration.

Nixon believes had the bombings occurred sooner, the Vietnam War would have wrapped up in 1969 rather than 1972. When asked about the Watergate Scandal, Nixon felt the matter was small in comparison to his mishandling of Vietnam.

George Washington – Owning Slaves

George Washington became a slave owner at the age of 11 and remained that way throughout the course of his presidency. During his era, many felt slavery was simply a way of life. As Washington aged, however, his view of slavery changed. Late in his life, he claimed slavery was “the only avoidable subject of regret” during the course of his lifetime.

So there ya go. Presidential regrets. Bet ya never thought you’d know this information when you woke up this morning, huh? Shoe: Untied is here for ya, kids.

Love these guys.

Boom. Roasted.

A fisherman has lived to tell the tale of how he ended up with a Great White Shark in the bottom of his boat.

Terry Selwood, 73, was fishing offshore at Evans Head on the New South Wales north coast when the shark launched itself into his boat.

“I caught a blur of something coming over the boat, and the pectoral fin of the shark hit me on the forearm and knocked me down on the ground to my hands and knees,” Mr Selwood said. “He came right over the top of the motor and then dropped onto the floor. There I was on all fours and he’s looking at me and I’m looking at him and then he started to do the dance around and shake and I couldn’t get away quick enough,” Mr Selwood said. “I was losing a fair amount of blood, I was stunned, I couldn’t register what happened and then I thought oh my God, I’ve got to get out of here.”

For such a close brush with a shark, Mr. Selwood came off relatively lightly. He was taken to hospital and treated for his injuries.

Despite his close encounter, Mr. Selwood said he was desperate to get back out to wet a line.

“It won’t deter me from fishing, no way in the world,” he said.

Terry Selwood, man. Dude was on all fours, looking a shark in the eye who had just leaped into his boat, and only then did it occur to him to get the hell out of there. Seriously though, we’re not safe in boats anymore? That was the safe refuge, man. Now the sharks are coming right into the boats like Jaws? Sweet Jesus. What’s next, Land Sharks?

 

 

On a positive note, the hair plugs are really taking hold.

DM – Tiger Woods was asked to perform a Walk and Turn first, according to the affidavit, but ‘could not maintain starting position,’ ‘missed heel to toe each time,”stepped off line several times’ and ‘used arms for balance.’ Woods also ‘stopped walking to steady self’ at one point notes the report. He next was asked to perform a One Leg Stand, and was unable to raise his leg off the ground six inches, placing his foot down ‘several times’ while he tried to complete the test. The Finger To Nose seemed to confuse Woods, who despite having the instructions explained to him multiple times and claiming he understood what was being asked of him failed to complete the task as ordered according to the report.

The fifth test went much better however for Woods, when he recited the National Anthem backwards, though the report noted he did need the task explained to him ‘several times.’

Wait. H-o-l-d up a second. Easy, kids. That last paragraph really threw me for loop there. So let me get this straight. So Tiger couldn’t do the Walk and Turn, One Leg Stand and Finger to Nose drills, but he recited the National Anthem backwards? Who the hell can recite the National Anthem backwards? I couldn’t begin to do it, and I’m as sober as Sparky right now. “Brave the of home and . . .” That’s impossible. That might be a bigger accomplishment than Tiger’s 14 Majors, man. Incredible.

Fox NewsNorth Korean leader Kim Jong Un warned Tuesday of sending a bigger “gift package” to the United States after laughing and cheering as North Korea successfully launched its third missile test in recent weeks.

North Korea’s official KCNA news agency quoted the rogue leader, saying that Pyongyang would continue to develop its missile program in preparation for a possible attack, Reuters reported.

“He expressed the conviction that it would make a greater leap forward in this spirit to send a bigger ‘gift package’ to the Yankees,” KCNA added.

Kim Jong Un, man. Does the dude even know who our president is? Trump will drop a nuke on that dude so quickly it’ll make his head spin, except he won’t have one at that point. Who does he think he’s dealing with, JFK? Bro doesn’t know what compromise means. Believe me, once Trump quits focusing on “fake news”, his Twitter account and Hillary, he’s going to turn around, take notice of this little twit, and lay down the American hammer. Kim Jong Un, man. Better back off, little man.

Freddie was amazing.

Check out that Dusky Snout Catshark, man. Dude’s ugly like you read about, all wrinkly and whatnot. This bro can be distinguished from his two closest relatives by a combination of prominent comb-like dermal denticles along the tail-fin, the fleshy lumps in the mouth, uniform body coloration, and a noticeable dark dusky snout. Sounds exactly like my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Goldblatter. This guy was just recently discovered, and if I looked like that I’d stay on the downlow too. Anywho, Dusky Snout Catshark.

All in the timing.

We have explored less than 5% of the world’s oceans.

 

Ever have a relationship that suddenly went awry for a weird reason? Something happened that made you think, “Uh, this isn’t going to work.”

Yeah, me too.

As a matter of fact it’s happened to me more than once. Let us review the sordid details . . .

I once went out with a girl in college that I’d had my eye on for awhile. We finally arranged a date, I picked her up, and things were going well. As always I had my music playing, and at one point I asked her what she thought of a particular Beatles song.

And then it happened, words spilling out of her mouth that were destined to ruin our relationship before it even started:

“I’ve never really cared for The Beatles. I think they’re overrated.”

At that point I spat out my coffee and I wasn’t even drinking any. Then I said something along the lines of, “Whaa . . . you . . smrgffft . . . wait . . . EXCUSE me?”

Listen, I can date somebody who hates sports, who doesn’t like to read books, who doesn’t like to travel, isn’t crazy about kids, hell, I can even date a Republican. But can I date somebody who dislikes The Beatles? I cannot.

Be ambivalent about them? Maybe. Dislike them? Nah.

Let us revert back to a quote from one of my favorite artists, the one and only lead singer of The Eels, Mr. Mark Oliver Everett, better known as E. E said this:

“Kids know what’s going on. They always respond to The Beatles, for instance. Doesn’t matter when they were born, they always seem to respond. Show me a kid who innately doesn’t like The Beatles and I’ll show you a bad seed.” 

Yep.

Listen, you don’t have to love The Beatles, but you certainly have to appreciate them for what they contributed to modern music. After all, virtually every band or artist today has stolen from them on one level or another. To not acknowledge that fact makes you, in my opinion, dumb.

Another time a date went sideways even more quickly. After I picked her up we walked out to my car, she opened the door and then proceeded to get out a handkerchief and wipe the seat before sitting down. Then she continued to look for dog hair on her coat all evening, making sure to hold it up for me every time she found one.

It didn’t take a genius to see that relationship was going very far. I mean, if a little dog hair bothered her that much we were in big trouble, ya know? I mean, if ya can’t make some allowances for The Spark you’re not my kinda girl.

I once dated a girl who I was beginning to really like. We’d gone out a few times and hit it off. She was from a nice family and showed no signs of abnormal behavior. Well, that all ended abruptly one sunny afternoon when she casually uttered a racial slur in the middle of a casual conversation regarding one of my friends. I asked her how in the world she could talk that way, she didn’t see a problem with it, I pointed out that I thought it was ignorant, and from that moment on I couldn’t wait to get her home and get the hell out of there.

It’s amazing how someone so pretty could turn so ugly so fast.

Finally, this last one is a little weird and sounds like something out of a Seinfeld episode. Years ago I was just out of college and seeing a girl that seemed really normal, at least by my standards. Anyway, things were going well until the day we went to a mall in Columbus. At some point we were ready to go up to the second floor and I sort of guided her over to the escalator. Just as we were about to step on she froze in her tracks and we had the following conversation:

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t get on there.”

“Huh? Why?”

“I haven’t told you this yet but I have a fear of escalators. It’s called Escalaphobia.”

“Hahahahahaha! Nice try weirdo.”

“I’m serious. They frighten me. I’m afraid I could get hurt on there.”

“Ooooooh.”

Long story short, she wasn’t kidding. This otherwise nice young lady had a legitimate, actual fear of escalators. Me, being the immature idiot that I was, couldn’t get past it. All I could think of that something must be inherently wrong with this woman, that if she was afraid of escalators what other irrational fears or thoughts might she have? Seriously, all I could think of were conversations I’d be having with people for years to come:

“Sorry, we have to take the stairs. She’s afraid of escalators.”

What can I say? Empathy wasn’t my strong suit then, nor apparently now since I just made myself laugh out loud as I typed that.

Anyway, so there ya go. Four weird things that can ruin a relationship. Well, plus me. I can ruin a relationship. On a related note, let’s not go there.

PS – Listen, I know too much dog hair is a pain and people have irrational fears that the rest of us have trouble comprehending. I get it, so save your complaints (I can hear the Society of Social Anxiety folks organizing as we speak). The racism, on the other hand, I will never get.   

PPS – And yes, I know I’m afraid of clowns, dolls and mannequins. Hey, I didn’t say I was perfect.

PPPS – And puppets, in particular marionnettes. There. I said it.

You’ll see it eventually.

Cats? Evil, man.

Well, sure.

So I ran across this nugget in a book I was reading the other day and found it quite fascinating. It seems that about 2,500 years ago some dude named Hanno the Navigator (cool name, man) became one of the first Europeans to see a band of gorillas. He had been sent off to explore Africa and had gotten used to bumping into strange and exotic tribes. Weird looking folks if you will.

So, when he found an island full of gorillas he figured that they were simply the weirdest, funniest-looking group of people yet. Hanno wrote that he’d found “savage people, whose bodies were hairy, and whom our interpreters called Gorillae.”

He and his men actually tried to introduce themselves to the gorillas, but the gorillas weren’t too communicative. That had to be an awesome attempt at conversation to witness though, amirite? Instead, the apes just threw rocks at the humans and ran away. Incredibly, Hanno’s men caught three of the gorillas and tried to talk them into going back to Carthage with them. Shockingly, it didn’t work. Hanno said the gorillas “could not be prevailed upon to accompany us.”

Eventually and unsurprisingly, when the gorillas got violent Hanno and his men do what humans do and killed them. Then Hanno went a little batshit crazy: “We flayed them,” he wrote, talking about what he thought were human beings, “and brought their skins with us to Carthage.

People were savage back in the old-timey days, man. Just brutal. Anyway, thought I’d share.

The Giant Ditch Frog is the first thing I ate on my initial visit to Montserrat back in 1995, and it was tasty. It’s also known as the Mountain Chicken, and is also native to Dominica. Its population has declined 81% in the last 10-years and is now critically endangered, so I’m guessing you can’t eat them anymore. The Giant Ditch Frog is one of the largest frogs in the world, with adult females growing up to 9-inches long. This fat boy eats almost anything that can be swallowed whole, much like my classmate Frankie Mortenson back in 5th grade. It’s well camouflaged and remains still for long periods of time before ambushing its prey, usually at night. Diabolical. It eats crickets, insects, crustaceans, other frogs, snakes, and even bats. Hence, his obesity. Anywho, Giant Ditch Frog.

Tasty.

A brazen meat thief has been caught on camera stuffing hundreds of dollars worth of prime cuts down his pants.

Sheriff’s deputies in Mobile County, Alabama, on Tuesday said they are seeking a man and a woman in connection with the stunning broad-daylight meat heist that took place on April 19th.

‘We are actively looking for these “Meat Packers”,’ the sheriff’s office said in a statement.

Security cameras at the Greer’s Market in Theodore, Alabama, which is about 20-miles south of Mobile, caught the criminals in the act around 1:15 pm.

First off, how in the hell can you fit hundreds of dollars of steaks down your pants? What’s the average price of a nice steak at Greer’s Market in Theodore, Alabama, maybe $15-$20? Hell, you’d have to stuff 20 to 25 Porterhouses down your britches to get to “hundreds” of dollars. Dude must have had a lot of room in there. Stunning meat heist indeed. And I’m glad the sheriff is “actively looking for the meat packers.” Lawmen who inactively look for bad guys are rarely successful.

PS- Yes, although I was tempted I refrained from making a joke using the words “prime cut” and “pants”. That’s self-control right there, kids. 

PPS- While searching for an appropriate photo I typed “meat stuffed into pants” into Google Image search. Don’t ever do that.

We’ve all been there, right?

Beautiful song.

Source The “Alien” signals have been pinpointed. New research has identified a cradle of young stars 2.4-billion light years away as the source of mysterious fast radio bursts detected on Earth.

These bursts – which each lasted just a few milliseconds – come from dense neutron stars just 12-miles across in the constellation Auriga.

Experts are baffled about these strange bursts, with some speculating it could be a sign of alien life trying to contact us.

And so it begins. The people of Auriga just shooting signals to us like an extra-terrestrial boss, and we’re too damn dumb to interpret them. We need to get our best minds on this immediately, guys like Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan (no idea if he’s still alive), or Bill Nye the Science Guy. Somebody’s gotta decipher those radio bursts, and I mean now. Hell, they could have been a warning, a heads-up telling us the Auriga Armada is on its way to Earth to destroy us all. And spare me with the “2.4-billion light years away is too far away” garbage. Who knows what kind of technology these space people possess? Now excuse me while I go make preparations for the end of mankind.

Thought: I wonder if anybody has tried Morse Code?

And he’s paid to do this for a living.

I took a screenshot of this a couple weeks ago and forgot to post it. That fellow in the photo is Dejounte Murray of the NBA’s San Antonio Spurs. Anyway, that’s a really bad tattoo. Is it a maskless Ninja Turtle? A pissed off alien? Sam Cassell? The mind reels, man. Hell, it looks like a 3rd grader drew that abomination. Bottom line, I demand an explanation. Yikes.

This handsome little dude lives in Sulawesi, Indonesia. His most eye-catching feature is his impressively long incisors, which are big enough to compete with Dracula. The bottom teeth of this shrew rat can grow up to 0.75 inches. Researchers admit that they’ve never seen anything like it, and researchers hate to admit they don’t know anything. Another fact about these bros is that their ears are one-fifth as long as their bodies, sorta like Bobby Lumquist, a kid I went to school with in 4th grade. Anywho, Pig-Nosed Vampire Rat.

Totes adorbs.

Damn, he will be missed.

Man, that’s a happy nerd.