Philadelphia’s “Swiss Cheese Pervert” arrested, dairy products in City of Brotherly Love breathe sigh of relief.

Maybe it’s me, but that doesn’t exude sex at all.

Philly.com: A suspect dubbed the “Swiss Cheese Pervert” was arrested Thursday for allegedly committing indecent acts with dairy products in the Northeast Philadelphia area.

Philadelphia police served Christopher Pagano, 41, with a warrant at his Norristown home, according to officials with the Norristown Police Department, which assisted in the man’s arrest. Pagano is accused of offering to pay women to put Swiss cheese on his penis and perform sexual acts. 

The case became highly publicized last week after the Mayfair Town Watch Facebook page posted about several disturbing incidents during which a man approached women and made similar Swiss cheese-related requests. “This guy has been doing stuff like this for years,” one woman commented on a post on the page. “Online and at bars on Frankford Ave. A few years ago he walked up to a couple friends of mine and asked them to help him with the cheese. Then pulled down his pants.” 

 The Daily News on Monday reported the case extended beyond Mayfair, quoting a message the suspect allegedly sent a Bridesburg woman through dating website OkCupid. “I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complexions, girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more,” the message read. “That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls.”

• First of all, I’m not sure there’s ever been a funnier line than, “A few years ago he walked up to a couple friends of mine and asked them to help him with the cheese. Then he pulled down his pants.”  That’s just comedy gold right there.

• Secondly, when I read that first line where they said he was “performing indecent acts with cheese” my mind went to an entirely different place.

• And hey, I’m a lover of cheese and women from way back but it’s never occurred to me to compare the two. Come to think of it, I did go out with a girl that smelled vaguely of limburger once.

• And apparently, at least to Christopher Pagano, “cheese” is a euphemism for his junk? I’ve been around the block a couple of times and I’ve never heard that one.

So rest easy, Philadelphians. The Swiss Cheese Pervert had been apprehended.