Archive for the ‘Animals’ Category

Seriously, Ugly Dog Contest people? You think Martha here is ugly? You, sirs, are idiots. Martha is beautiful. Oh sure, you can pull on her jowls and make fun of her, but gorgeous she still remains.

And hey, although I love dogs I’m not one of those guys who think all dogs are beautiful. Some are decidedly not, like these guys:

Still, they’re sorta cute in their own, quirky way. But Martha? Give me a break, man.

During the Civil War, Robert E. Lee’s horse Traveller became so famous that his mane and tail became thin from people plucking the hair as souvenirs.

 

Check out that Asian Sheepshead Wrasse, man. Dude looks like the guy in that movie Mask back in the 80’s. Seriously, click on that link. Not even kidding. The Asian sheepshead wrasse is a species of wrasse, because of course it is. It’s one of the largest wrasses native to the western Pacific Ocean. It inhabits rocky reefs, because really, who’d want to go out with that mug? It can reach 39-inches in length. This species is valued as a food fish in Japan, which is sort of sad. Anywho, Asian Sheepshead Wrasse. 

PS- Check out the video at the bottom about an Asian Sheepshead Wrasse and his buddy. Awesome stuff.

If you have an in-ground pool you know how little animals are always getting in there, only to die and end up in your skimmer. Now those days can come to end thanks to the FrogLog, an invention by a guy named Rich Mason. Check it out man. Buy a FrogLog, save many little lives. As Hippocrates said, “The soul is the same in all living creatures, although the body of each is different.”

[click to view, video below]

“Not so fast, fish boys.”

NP– The orcas will wait all day for a fisherman to accumulate a catch of halibut, and then deftly rob them blind. They will relentlessly stalk individual fishing boats, sometimes forcing them back into port. Most chilling of all, and this is new: After decades of relatively peaceful coexistence with cod and halibut fishers off the coast of Alaska, the region’s orcas appear to be turning on them in greater numbers.“We’ve been chased out of the Bering Sea,” said Paul Clampitt, Washington State-based co-owner of the F/V Augustine. Like many boats, the Augustine has tried electronic noisemakers to ward off the animals, but the orcas simply got used to them. “It became a dinner bell,” said Clampitt. John McHenry, owner of the F/V Seymour, described orca pods near Alaska’s Aleutian Islands as being like a “motorcycle gang.” “You’d see two of them show up, and that’s the end of the trip. Pretty soon all 40 of them would be around you,” he said.

I already knew Orcas were the Badasses of the Sea. Hey, I saw that documentary where that pod of Orcas went hunting and eating Great White sharks just for kicks and giggles. But gathering and bullying fishermen? That’s chilling, man. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times, once the animals figure it out we’re all doomed. We’ve been bullying them for years, making them work and putting them in cages to gawk at for our pleasure. Now the tables are starting to turn. Pretty soon it’s gonna be Planet of the Apes, Eight Legged Freaks, The Birds, Willard, and Razorback all rolled into one. Good thing I have Sparky to vouch for me.

PS- Love the quote about the sounds becoming a dinner bell. Orcas, man.

PPS- If you haven’t seen Razorback do so immediately. The opening scene is terrifying.

(Source)El Debate reported that farmer Miguel Anaya Pablo, 60, died from an infection caused by the wounds he suffered during a brawl with his pig Nicolas. Miguel returned home drunk from a party and somehow begun fighting with the pig, which he kept in his home. The animal managed to bite his testicles and severe three fingers of his right hand, and he was rushed to hospital. However, he later died due to an infection in the wounds.

Listen, I don’t know the history here. Perhaps there had been tension brewing between Miguel Anaya Pablo and Nicolas for some time and emotions finally boiled (or fried) over. Maybe Miguel came home that night and finally stepped over the line. All I know is that the minute he decided to throw down with a pig he was doomed. Pigs are diabolical, man. They have a low center of gravity and are hard to knock off their pig feet. And pigs will do whatever it takes to win, including biting off your testicles.

Note: Nothing will stop a fight quicker than the “biting off the testicles” move. Nothing.

Good boy.

Gavel the puppy was facing a tough change when he flunked out of police dog academy for being too sociable.

Instead of tackling hardened criminals, the German shepherd pup liked to meet strangers, and police in Australia felt he “did not display the necessary aptitude for a life on the front line”.

So the governor gave his four-legged friend a brand new job – Pet of the Governor.

“He has outgrown four ceremonial coats, undergone a career change (his official title is now Gavel VRD, ‘Vice-Regal Dog’), and brought untold joy to the lives of the governor, Mrs de Jersey, Government House staff, and the thousands of Queenslanders who have since visited the estate,” the office of Governor Paul de Jersey said.

Citizens are assured that everything he lacks in crime-fighting aggression, he now makes up for in his duties of welcoming guests and tour groups to the grounds of Queensland’s Government House.

He also partakes in special ceremonial occasions – and the job comes with a custom-made uniform featuring the state emblems of Queensland.

“We hope Gavel’s with us for a long, long time into the future,” Governor de Jersey told 7 News Brisbane.

Hell yeah, you go Gavel! Dude was facing a life of chasing the ne’er-do-wells and thugs of Australia and is instead now greeting guests at the Governor’s House while wearing a custom-made uniform featuring the state emblems of Queensland. Hey, so he wasn’t cut out to be a mean dog. Big deal, man. Who came out on top anyway? Gavel did. Good boy, Gavel. Good boy.

(Fox News) – A man in Texas caught a monster-sized frog, and the photos are going viral online.

According to the South Texas Hunting Association’s Facebook page, Markcuz Rangel is the man who captured the giant bullfrog last Wednesday. The frog was caught in a fishing pond in Batesville in south Texas. A spokesman for the Texas Parks & Wildlife Department told the Houston Chronicle that the photo is real and not photoshopped. 

“It’s not as big as it appears,” spokesman Steve Lightfoot said. “Still a big bullfrog, though.”

This is how the South Texas Hunting Association captioned the photo on Facebook: “Wanted to share a monster bullfrog we got yesterday afternoon at one of our fishing ponds in South Texas! 13 lb monster frog!”

Holy hell, man, that thing looks like it could eat a baby. And to the people who say it’s an optical illusion, let me remind you of all the settlers who thought grizzly bears weren’t real in 1789. Then again, I may be biased. I’ve been having nightmares since I saw this movie when I was a little kid:

They don’t make ’em like that anymore, my friends.

PS- Does that frog have dreadlocks?

Not horny yet.

Those last shots put them over the edge.

Dog’s Eye View was a great 90’s band.

Burn indeed.

Or is that a dog? I have no idea.

Well, this is terrifying.

Sweet Lord a’mighty, now I know why Donnie’s down on his knees for this guy. You don’t wanna mess with a bro who casually walks down the street with Gandalf saying “what’s up” to pigeons. Putin was like, “Hey Larry” and the pigeon was like “What’s up, P?” That’s next level stuff, man. If you have the animals on your side it’s game over. Now excuse me while I go look for this book:

PS- I know it’s not real, but I’ll still get messages from idiots that don’t scroll this far down.

A fisherman has lived to tell the tale of how he ended up with a Great White Shark in the bottom of his boat.

Terry Selwood, 73, was fishing offshore at Evans Head on the New South Wales north coast when the shark launched itself into his boat.

“I caught a blur of something coming over the boat, and the pectoral fin of the shark hit me on the forearm and knocked me down on the ground to my hands and knees,” Mr Selwood said. “He came right over the top of the motor and then dropped onto the floor. There I was on all fours and he’s looking at me and I’m looking at him and then he started to do the dance around and shake and I couldn’t get away quick enough,” Mr Selwood said. “I was losing a fair amount of blood, I was stunned, I couldn’t register what happened and then I thought oh my God, I’ve got to get out of here.”

For such a close brush with a shark, Mr. Selwood came off relatively lightly. He was taken to hospital and treated for his injuries.

Despite his close encounter, Mr. Selwood said he was desperate to get back out to wet a line.

“It won’t deter me from fishing, no way in the world,” he said.

Terry Selwood, man. Dude was on all fours, looking a shark in the eye who had just leaped into his boat, and only then did it occur to him to get the hell out of there. Seriously though, we’re not safe in boats anymore? That was the safe refuge, man. Now the sharks are coming right into the boats like Jaws? Sweet Jesus. What’s next, Land Sharks?

 

 

Check out that Dusky Snout Catshark, man. Dude’s ugly like you read about, all wrinkly and whatnot. This bro can be distinguished from his two closest relatives by a combination of prominent comb-like dermal denticles along the tail-fin, the fleshy lumps in the mouth, uniform body coloration, and a noticeable dark dusky snout. Sounds exactly like my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Goldblatter. This guy was just recently discovered, and if I looked like that I’d stay on the downlow too. Anywho, Dusky Snout Catshark.

All in the timing.

You’ll see it eventually.

Cats? Evil, man.

So I ran across this nugget in a book I was reading the other day and found it quite fascinating. It seems that about 2,500 years ago some dude named Hanno the Navigator (cool name, man) became one of the first Europeans to see a band of gorillas. He had been sent off to explore Africa and had gotten used to bumping into strange and exotic tribes. Weird looking folks if you will.

So, when he found an island full of gorillas he figured that they were simply the weirdest, funniest-looking group of people yet. Hanno wrote that he’d found “savage people, whose bodies were hairy, and whom our interpreters called Gorillae.”

He and his men actually tried to introduce themselves to the gorillas, but the gorillas weren’t too communicative. That had to be an awesome attempt at conversation to witness though, amirite? Instead, the apes just threw rocks at the humans and ran away. Incredibly, Hanno’s men caught three of the gorillas and tried to talk them into going back to Carthage with them. Shockingly, it didn’t work. Hanno said the gorillas “could not be prevailed upon to accompany us.”

Eventually and unsurprisingly, when the gorillas got violent Hanno and his men do what humans do and killed them. Then Hanno went a little batshit crazy: “We flayed them,” he wrote, talking about what he thought were human beings, “and brought their skins with us to Carthage.

People were savage back in the old-timey days, man. Just brutal. Anyway, thought I’d share.

The Giant Ditch Frog is the first thing I ate on my initial visit to Montserrat back in 1995, and it was tasty. It’s also known as the Mountain Chicken, and is also native to Dominica. Its population has declined 81% in the last 10-years and is now critically endangered, so I’m guessing you can’t eat them anymore. The Giant Ditch Frog is one of the largest frogs in the world, with adult females growing up to 9-inches long. This fat boy eats almost anything that can be swallowed whole, much like my classmate Frankie Mortenson back in 5th grade. It’s well camouflaged and remains still for long periods of time before ambushing its prey, usually at night. Diabolical. It eats crickets, insects, crustaceans, other frogs, snakes, and even bats. Hence, his obesity. Anywho, Giant Ditch Frog.

Tasty.

This handsome little dude lives in Sulawesi, Indonesia. His most eye-catching feature is his impressively long incisors, which are big enough to compete with Dracula. The bottom teeth of this shrew rat can grow up to 0.75 inches. Researchers admit that they’ve never seen anything like it, and researchers hate to admit they don’t know anything. Another fact about these bros is that their ears are one-fifth as long as their bodies, sorta like Bobby Lumquist, a kid I went to school with in 4th grade. Anywho, Pig-Nosed Vampire Rat.

Totes adorbs.

The Black and White Dolphin isn’t really a species, it’s just a regular dolphin. It’s coloring is a result of leucism, which is a condition in which a partial loss of pigmentation causes animals to have white, pale or patchy discoloration of the skin, hair, feathers, scales or cuticles. This particular dolphin is named Patches and was first spotted back in 2006. By the way, dolphins can live to be about 40-years old, though the average is about 25. Anywho, Black and White Dolphin.

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You guys read my post and watched the video a couple days ago about the little girl being snatched by the Sea Lion, right? Sure you did. Well, I was a little tough on the mother for just walking away without thanking the guy who saved her kid.

W-e-l-l, turns out I’m not the only one. Mr. Robert Kiesman of the Steveston Harbour Authority is a little pissed at everyone’s behavior on that dock. Dude just kills me with his sarcasm. Take a read:

NBS News: Blame the parents, not the hungry sea lion.

That’s exactly what the head of a Canadian port did after a young girl playing on a pier was dragged into the drink by a California sea lion — and video of the dramatic rescue went viral after it hit the internet.

Accusing them of “reckless behavior,” Robert Kiesman of the Steveston Harbour Authority said the girl’s parents put her in harm’s way.

“There are signs all over the dock that explicitly warn people not to feed the sea mammals and the penalty for “disturbing” an animal is a $100,000 fine, Kiesman said.

“You wouldn’t go up to a grizzly bear in the bush and hand him a ham sandwich, so you shouldn’t be handing a thousand-pound wild animal in the water slices of bread,” he said. “You can only spend so much time protecting people from their reckless behavior. We’ve now seen an example of why it’s illegal to do this and why it’s dangerous and frankly stupid to do this.”

Meanwhile, the Vancouver Aquarium is urging the girl’s family to get in touch with them for information about handling a possible infection.

“Seals and sea lions carry some pretty nasty bacteria in their mouth,” Danielle Hyson, a senior marine mammal trainer at the aquarium, told The Province newspaper in Vancouver.

God, I love everything about this. Hey, you wouldn’t hand a grizzle bear a ham sandwich, would you, dumbass? That’s a 1,000 pound wild animal, fools. But hey, you can only spend so much time protecting people from their dumbness.

I also love how Danielle Hyson of the Vancouver Aquarium got her shot in. Just a heads-up, morons, but Sea Lions carry some pretty nasty bacteria in their mouth. Might wanna get that looked at.

And I swear Robert Kiesman is happy this happened. For him it’s a lesson for all the idiots who come through his Steveston Harbour Authority. I’m betting he’s said this to his wife a million times at the dinner table:

“Man, I wish one of those Sea Lions would leap up and eat one of these tourist’s kids. Maybe then they would listen.”

Dream come true for Robert Kiesman. Dream come true.

Theunis Botha, a well-known 51-year-old big game hunter from Johannesburg, South Africa, just had his last hunt. The man was leading a group of hunters in Gwai, Zimbabwe, when they saw a herd of breeding elephants. Sensing the danger, three of the animals stormed the hunters and Botha shot at them. What the man didn’t see was a fourth elephant coming after him from the side. The animal lifted Botha with her trunk, so one of the other hunters shot her, causing the elephant to collapse. As she fell dead, the elephant dropped right on Botha, crushing the hunter to death.

According to Game Hounds Safaris, Botha’s company website, the man pioneered European-style ‘Monteria hunts’ in the region. These kind of hunts use large packs of dogs to drive deer and boar towards them before opening fire on the animals. He was also known for hunting lions and leopards.

Awesome. Just spectacular. I love it when the animals win, man. I know, the elephant died in this case but at least she took this asshole out with her. I mean, what kind of a hunter has dogs that drive the animals towards them? Where’s the sport in that? I’ll tell you where – Hell. The same place Theunis Botha resides right now. I hope he’s down there getting crushed by an elephant over and over and over again.

Note: As a special related bonus, I give you this. And spare me the comments about me enjoying watching people die. Idiots who hurt animals deserve it. Enjoy:

 

Say what you want about the Japanese Puffer Fish, but this little dude has it all figured out. Turns out chicks dig art, man. Who knew? Hell, I tried it once and got slapped in the face. Yep, that drawing I did of Kathy Lupert back in 3rd grade did NOT go over well. Seriously, this bro spends 2-weeks making this masterpiece and the Pufferbabes come out of the woodwork like bees to honey.  Diabolical. Anywho, Japanese Puffer Fish.