Archive for the ‘Animals’ Category

Check out that little Honey Possum, man. Just cute like you read about. This mouse-sized marsupial lives on a diet of nectar and pollen. It can drink 7-ml of nectar a day, which would be like a human drinking 50-liters of Mountain Dew. That’s cray man. Its Aboriginal name is Noolbenger, which sounds like somebody’s mailman or something. “Hey! There’s Al Noolbenger with the mail!” The Honey Possum’s tail is prehensile, meaning it can grasp branches and whatnot. The tail is longer than the rest of his body, and he hails from Western Australia. Anywho, Honey Possum.


So the humongous alligator that’s been seen over the last few years in Florida has been spotted again. This dude looks like a caboose with legs, man. Something out of the Jurassic Period perhaps. Anyway, here we see it after it just had a hearty breakfast of oxen with a side of St. Bernard. Yikes.

See how my people censored the photos? Crack staff indeed.

Toronto, Canada: Visitors were enjoying a monthly jazz night at Ripley’s Aquarium, in Toronto, Canada, last Friday when a man decided to skinny dip. He didn’t seem to have a worry in the world despite being circled by two sharks. Onlookers seemed equally shocked by his foolishness and nakedness. Security at the aquarium were not pleased with his antics and a video showed them telling him to get out. The exhibitionist seemed to be following their orders but inexplicably dived back into the water moments later. Guards made sure they secured him when he got out again and escorted him away.

Oh my. Where to start? First of all, I think it should be posted at all zoos and aquariums that if you enter a wild animal habitat you are 100% on your own. No discussion, no debate. No other human should be subjected to danger because of your stupidity. Secondly, I’m sure glad that security was “not pleased with his antics.” Had they been pleased they’re probably not very good at securitying. I’ll also pat the onlookers on the back for being “shocked by his foolishness and nakedness.” Seems like an appropriate reaction. Finally, why do crazy people take their clothes off before doing something crazy? There has to be some psychological reason for this, no?

PS- Jazz night indeed.

A man in New York City named Charlie went to a shelter to get a dog. However, the one he had his eyes on had already been adopted. However, before Charlie left he decided to take a lap around the facility to see what other dogs were available. Just as he was about to leave he saw a little mutt in a the corner of a cage. The little dog’s back legs didn’t work, he had 3 teeth and his ears had been frostbitten. At that point Charlie had a thought: “If I don’t take him, nobody will.” Ladies and gentlemen, meet Engelbert.

Squid Eggs, man. Also sorta kinda doubles as Cool Animal of the Day.

Grab a pencil, kids. Ready? December 3rd. That is my birthday. Still plenty of time to order my present. Thank you and goodnight.

A dog bit off a man’s testicles and penis in a horrific attack at flat in East Lothian.

The 22-year-old was found unconscious in a pool of blood next to an Old English Bulldog, which was also covered in his blood. Police were confronted with the horrific scene when they were called to the property in Haddington on Sunday afternoon.

The man was rushed to Edinburgh’s Royal General Infirmary where he remains unconscious and in serious condition, reports the Daily Star.

The dog was taken to police kennels until the exact circumstances of the attack are known.

So you think you’re having a tough day, boys? Boss being a little rough on you? Wifey giving you a hard time? Kids being little assholes again? Hey, look at the bright side, at least you didn’t get your penis and testicles bitten off by an Old English Bulldog. Yikes.

PS- Man, nothing grabs your attention like that opening sentence, huh? Every man who read it immediately winced, crossed their legs and covered their junk with both hands. 

PPS- I guarantee this guy was doing something weird, like flashing his goods in front of the dog or something. Ol’ Gus probably thought it was a squeaky toy or chew stick or something. Maybe a Vienna Sausage. Hey, he was British.

PPPS- I have no idea if the dog’s name was Gus. It just seems like an Old English Bulldog name. That or Max.

So some guy in Tennessee kept noticing bees around his property, then one day he saw a few flying out of a tiny hole in the side of his house. After some spraying didn’t solve the problem he decided to investigate. The photos below show how things progressed.

Holy Mother of . . . Bees! BEES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Seriously, he got a beekeeper to come and relocate the bees because, you know, bees are good and stuff. Still, yikes.

Flying Great Whites? Flying Great Whites.

While researching our last story, my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied came upon the fact that the prehistoric Dunkleosteus had a staggering bite of 8,000 pounds per square inch. That inspired me to dig further, so I assigned intern Bradley Dirkens the task of finding the Top 10 current animals with the strongest bite. And by the way, our researchers found that results varied wildly. Because of this we averaged our findings. Here’s what the Dirkster found:

Human – 162 psi

On the grand scale of living creatures, this is very low. Good thing we’re smart, amirite? On a related note, I once had a 3rd grader named Jimmy Turkle who I’m pretty sure had a psi of 573.

Jack Russell – 200 psi

I chose the Jack Russell because of my beloved Sparky. He is small but mighty. What Spark lacks in bite he will make up for in attitude and spunk. I also use every excuse I can think of to post photos of my best friend.

The Spark.

Rottweiler – 325 psi

Meh. Pretty sure Spark could take him.

Cougar350 psi

The cougar is second among the big cats. You’ll see who tops this guy shortly.

Gray Wolf406 psi

Wow. Thank God there have been no recorded attacks of wolves on humans in recorded history, despite what you’ve seen in movies.

That stare though.

Giant Otter – 450 psi

Don’t let that cute face fool you, kids. This dude can rip your face off. Giant Otters, man. There are videos of them defeating alligators.

Bring it.

Mastiff – 556 psi

Factoid: The Mastiff has the strongest bite among dogs.

Lion – 691 psi

Ah. The King of the Jungle. But his bite isn’t close to the most powerful among animals, as you’re about to see.

Alligator Snapping Turtle – 1,000 psi

Wait. A Turtle? Yes, a turtle. And a badass turtle indeed. Guys, imagine swimming and this guy takes a bite out of your . . . never mind.


Hyena1,100 psi

This innocent looking bro sort of looks like a cute dog, but he has a bite stronger than a freakin’ lion. ‘Nuff said.

Grizzly Bear – 1,160 psi

No shocker here. Grizzlies have the rep, and it is well-deserved. Crush your skull like you read about.

Polar Bear – 1,200 psi

Don’t let those Pepsi commercials fool you, folks. The Polar Bear is a stone cold killing machine.

Silverback Gorilla – 1,300 psi

Is it me or do most people not think of gorillas as biters? I usually think of them as having brute strength. Either way a bad day for whoever is on the receiving end.

Jaguar – 1,500 psi

The Jaguar. It’s bite is stronger that that of a lion or tiger. It can also crush skulls with one snap of its jaws.

Hippo – 1,800 psi

Many people don’t realize this, but more humans die from being killed by hippos yearly than any other animal. Plus, they’re way faster than you think.

Great White Shark – 4,000 psi

This should come to the surprise of nobody. You know, Jaws and whatnot.

Nile Crocodile – 7,000 psi

Holy Mother of God that’s one helluva bite. Dude could snap a human in half in an instant, and has many times for that matter.

Rat – 7,500 psi

Rats, man. They can gnaw through wood, concrete, and even steel in some cases.

PS- The rat is not included in most of the “strongest bite” articles. Not sure why but I’m sure there’s a reason.

Stay out of our water, ya filthy human.

Ever heard of Dunkleosteus? It is one of the most terrifying fish ever to have roamed these Earth’s oceans. This bad boy lived 360-million years ago, and how it died out is a mystery to all. Once you hear about this badass you’ll know it’s unlikely he was killed off by predators. By studying fossils we’ve found some truly horrifying facts about the big guy.

To begin, he really was a BIG guy. 30-feet long to be precise. That’s a big fillet kids. But that’s not all my friends. The Dunkleosteus crushed its prey with its own skull. And get this – Dunkleosteus didn’t have a single tooth in its head. Instead, its entire skull was covered with bony plates that acted as armor and formed two long “fangs” – one each on the top and bottom jaw. Holy moly. Not scary enough for y’all? Those fangs were self-sharpening. As it opened and shut its jaws, the edges of its fangs rubbed together, creating friction. Over time, this kept them perfectly sharpened into razor-edges weapons of death. Is there anything that could make this prehistoric underwater dinosaur any more frightening? There is – its jaws were able to snap shut with 8000-pounds of bite force per square inch. Holy Mother of God, this thing made Jaws look like a guppy. Here are some glamour shots of ol’ Dunky. Check him out:




Check out that Pelican Spider, man. Dude really does looks like a damn pelican. The most interesting thing about these guys is the fact that their main source of food is . . . wait for it . . . other spiders. Creeping up to the web of another spider, the Pelican Spider taps the web to mimic the struggling movements of a captured insect. Its long neck and fangs then reach into the web without it being captured. Once the spider comes close, the Pelican Spider’s “beak” stabs the prey and injects venom through the fangs from its tip. After a struggle, the prey is dragged out of the web and eaten. That’s just diabolical, man. Anywho, Pelican Spider.

Technology & Science: An unusual visitor has been hanging out in the St. Lawrence River for the past three years: A Narwhal, more than 700-miles south of its usual range.  But the lone narwhal is not alone — it appears he has been adopted by a band of Belugas. Narwhals live in the icy waters of the Arctic, including those surrounding parts of Canada, Norway, Greenland and Russia. They typically don’t range any farther south than northern Quebec’s Ungava Bay, located south of the southern tip of Baffin Island. In the drone footage captured by GREMM researchers and posted on their website Whales Online, a pod of nine or 10 Belugas swim closely together near the surface, rolling and rubbing against each other. “They are in constant contact with each other,” Michaud said. “It’s a like a big social ball of young juveniles that are playing games.” Nobody is sure how the little Narwhal ended up so far south, but he’s been accepted by the group and has even picked up their habits.

Well, well, well. In a world divided by race, politics and religion, along come the animals to show us how it’s done. Different colored little dude comes rolling in one day, appearing a little weird with a 3-foot tusk jutting out of his head, but do you think these baby Belugas give a tuna’s ass? Hells to the nah. They accepted the little lost bro like he’s one of their own and now he’s swimming merrily along with his gang, just rolling and rubbing against each other like best bud Belugas do. Animals, man. Just telling Trump to suck it like you read about.

PS- Honestly, do you think the Belugas are talking behind the Narwhal’s back? “Hey Ned, what’s the deal with that horn sticking out of Barry’s head? Dude looks like Janet had sex with a swordfish or something.”

PPS- There are whales in the St. Lawrence River? What the hell?

Take a look at that Ogre-Faced Spider, man. Dude has eyes the size of dimes. While most spiders have eight eyes but poor vision, the Ogre-Faced Spider is named for its bizarre, elongated face and enormous “posterior median eyes.” This little dude has exceptional night vision and clarity of view, enabling prey to be precisely tracked and targeted. Chills, man. Want more? This guy is the answer to a human net fisherman, brothers and sisters. With special hairs on its legs and remarkable dexterity, Ogre-Faced Spiders weave a unique, net-shaped structure instead of a typical web. The net is held between the four front legs and hurled upon passing insects that are either flying or walking. W-h-u-u-u-u-u-t? The flying prey are captured in a backward flinging motion, while a walking insect is caught when the net is pushed down onto the unfortunate creature. Diabolical. Watch that video below to see the Ogre-Faced Spider throw that net like the badass he is. Anywho, Ogre-Faced Spider.

Animals, man.

[click and scroll]

Looks like Cerberus as a puppy, guarding the gates of hell.

PS- In Greek mythology Cerberus (often called the “hound of Hades”) is a multi-headed dog that guards the gates of the Underworld to prevent the dead from leaving. Good times.

PPS- When you have to explain a joke it really does ruin it.

“Back off boieee!”

A drunk man has been beaten up by a pack of 10-inch Squirrel Monkeys after breaking into a zoo trying to catch one.

John Owen Casford snuck through the gates at Wellington Zoo to snatch one of the monkeys, only to be discovered with a broken leg and other injuries the following morning, the New Zealand Herald reported. 

Wellington District Court judge Bill Hastings said: “His intention was to capture a monkey and bring it home to his girlfriend. His attempt was not successful.”

The altercation left the “high as a kite” young man with a broken leg, two broken teeth, a sprained ankle, and multiple bruises.

Listen, man. You can pick on rhinos, you can pick on lions, you can pick on silverback gorillas. But you know who you can’t pick on? Squirrel Monkeys, that’s who. Just ask John Owen Casford. Bro messed with a pack of 10-inch Squirrel Monkeys and ended up with a broken leg, two broken teeth, a sprained ankle, and multiple bruises. Squirrel Monkeys give less than a damn, man. Back the hell off.

PS- How romantic a move is it to try and steal your girl a Squirrel Monkey? I’m thinking it’s a very romantic move. Had John Owen Casford pulled this off he’d been set for life, man. Sad really.

Philadelphia: A Philadelphia museum is pleading with thieves to bring back its bugs. In all, 7,000 insects, arachnids and lizards disappeared from the Philadelphia Insectarium and Butterfly Pavilion last week. And they didn’t creepy-crawl themselves out of the building on their own. According to a New York Times report, police have zeroed in on three suspects, all current or former museum employees. The report cites security footage showing thieves slipping out of the building with large plastic containers. And inside those containers? An estimated $50,000 worth of giant African mantises, bumblebee millipedes, warty glowspot roaches, tarantulas, dwarf and tiger hissers, and leopard geckos. 

Holy shit man! Giant African Mantises? Tiger Hisses? WARTY GLOWSPOT ROACHES? RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! And doesn’t this sound like the beginning to a movie on the SyFy Channel? Bandits steal poisonous insects, insects escape, insects mutate into a marauding swarm of venomous killers, everyone in Philly dies. Then the hero lures them all into an underground tunnel and incinerates them, but in the last scene we see a few who survived, living in some little boy’s mason jar in his bedroom. Chilling.

PS- There’s a black market for bugs? That’s wild, man.

Listen, I love animals but holy Hell that’s a monster. Actually it’s an Australian Flying Fox, which is really a big ass bat that has come to have somebody for breakfast. Seriously, can you imagine walking out your front door and seeing that beast staring at you? Sweet Mother of God.

This dog, this fence. On a related note, yikes.

Kingston: A Jamaican man has been hospitalized after having a part of his penis bitten off by his neighbor’s dog.

The man, named locally as Neily, had been chatting to his neighbor over her gate in Stony Hill, north of Kingston, Jamaica, when her dog attacked.

He told a Jamaican newspaper that the dog had pushed its nose through the metal bars of the gate and snapped its jaws around his genitals. “The dog pushed its mouth through the metal because I was standing close to it, and it bit me on my penis,” he told The Weekend Star. “I will not be going near that dog again.”

Having a bad day, boys? Tough day at work? Boss being hard on you? Wife picking at you over those beers you had with the boys last night?  Perhaps the kids are being pains in the asses? Well, I don’t want to hear it. Why? Because you’re not Neily of Stony Hill down in Kingston, Jamaica, that’s why.

PS- Ol’ Neily handled this whole tragedy well, didn’t he? Just matter-of-factly telling us what happened. And good call Neily – I wouldn’t go near that dog again either.

Check out the Velella Velella, man. Dude has a sail appendage like you read about, just gliding over the ocean like a slippery little schooner. He’s also known as a Sea Raft or the Little Sailor, which are both pretty cool names in my book. This little guy uses that fin/sail or whatever the hell it is to let the wind take him wherever it’ll take him. Sounds like a pretty good life, amirite? Velella Velellas are free floating Hydrozoans, which sounds like a cool group to hang out with. And oh, by the way, the Velella Velella will sting the living hell out of you so stay away. Anywho, Velella Velella.

I have a few observations here. First of all, there are creek eels in New Zealand? That’s sort of freaky, bro. Secondly, people take their children to feed this writhing black mass of giant worms? Like, for recreation? The caption reads, “We were on an outing feeding Eels at Battle Hill Forest Park near Wellington, New Zealand.” Da hell? A family outing? Finally, those ducks give zero damns, amirite? Just mixing it up with those giant slime worms without pause. New Zealand, man. It’s like another planet or something.

Key Largo, FL: A crocodile had a little support while crossing a canal in Key Largo, Florida, earlier this month — a yellow pool noodle.

The creature was caught on camera resting on the pool noodle as it swam across the water near mile marker 105 of the Overseas Highway, a 113-mile road that runs through the Florida Keys.

“I saw the croc off my balcony swimming up the canal,” local Victor Perez told Fox News on Wednesday.

And so the world takeover by the animals has begun. The Great Adaption if you will. Bears walking upright. Goats screaming like humans. Dolphins guarding nuclear missile sites. My dog Sparky conning me out of my recliner. The list goes on.

Now, crocodiles are learning to use pool noodles. I’m telling you man, next thing you know the ducks will be using Uzis and at that point we’re all screwed.

PS- Anybody wonder what happened to the person on the noodle?


Damn it! Who left the seat up again?