Archive for the ‘Animals’ Category

You guys read my post and watched the video a couple days ago about the little girl being snatched by the Sea Lion, right? Sure you did. Well, I was a little tough on the mother for just walking away without thanking the guy who saved her kid.

W-e-l-l, turns out I’m not the only one. Mr. Robert Kiesman of the Steveston Harbour Authority is a little pissed at everyone’s behavior on that dock. Dude just kills me with his sarcasm. Take a read:

NBS News: Blame the parents, not the hungry sea lion.

That’s exactly what the head of a Canadian port did after a young girl playing on a pier was dragged into the drink by a California sea lion — and video of the dramatic rescue went viral after it hit the internet.

Accusing them of “reckless behavior,” Robert Kiesman of the Steveston Harbour Authority said the girl’s parents put her in harm’s way.

“There are signs all over the dock that explicitly warn people not to feed the sea mammals and the penalty for “disturbing” an animal is a $100,000 fine, Kiesman said.

“You wouldn’t go up to a grizzly bear in the bush and hand him a ham sandwich, so you shouldn’t be handing a thousand-pound wild animal in the water slices of bread,” he said. “You can only spend so much time protecting people from their reckless behavior. We’ve now seen an example of why it’s illegal to do this and why it’s dangerous and frankly stupid to do this.”

Meanwhile, the Vancouver Aquarium is urging the girl’s family to get in touch with them for information about handling a possible infection.

“Seals and sea lions carry some pretty nasty bacteria in their mouth,” Danielle Hyson, a senior marine mammal trainer at the aquarium, told The Province newspaper in Vancouver.

God, I love everything about this. Hey, you wouldn’t hand a grizzle bear a ham sandwich, would you, dumbass? That’s a 1,000 pound wild animal, fools. But hey, you can only spend so much time protecting people from their dumbness.

I also love how Danielle Hyson of the Vancouver Aquarium got her shot in. Just a heads-up, morons, but Sea Lions carry some pretty nasty bacteria in their mouth. Might wanna get that looked at.

And I swear Robert Kiesman is happy this happened. For him it’s a lesson for all the idiots who come through his Steveston Harbour Authority. I’m betting he’s said this to his wife a million times at the dinner table:

“Man, I wish one of those Sea Lions would leap up and eat one of these tourist’s kids. Maybe then they would listen.”

Dream come true for Robert Kiesman. Dream come true.

Theunis Botha, a well-known 51-year-old big game hunter from Johannesburg, South Africa, just had his last hunt. The man was leading a group of hunters in Gwai, Zimbabwe, when they saw a herd of breeding elephants. Sensing the danger, three of the animals stormed the hunters and Botha shot at them. What the man didn’t see was a fourth elephant coming after him from the side. The animal lifted Botha with her trunk, so one of the other hunters shot her, causing the elephant to collapse. As she fell dead, the elephant dropped right on Botha, crushing the hunter to death.

According to Game Hounds Safaris, Botha’s company website, the man pioneered European-style ‘Monteria hunts’ in the region. These kind of hunts use large packs of dogs to drive deer and boar towards them before opening fire on the animals. He was also known for hunting lions and leopards.

Awesome. Just spectacular. I love it when the animals win, man. I know, the elephant died in this case but at least she took this asshole out with her. I mean, what kind of a hunter has dogs that drive the animals towards them? Where’s the sport in that? I’ll tell you where – Hell. The same place Theunis Botha resides right now. I hope he’s down there getting crushed by an elephant over and over and over again.

Note: As a special related bonus, I give you this. And spare me the comments about me enjoying watching people die. Idiots who hurt animals deserve it. Enjoy:

 

Say what you want about the Japanese Puffer Fish, but this little dude has it all figured out. Turns out chicks dig art, man. Who knew? Hell, I tried it once and got slapped in the face. Yep, that drawing I did of Kathy Lupert back in 3rd grade did NOT go over well. Seriously, this bro spends 2-weeks making this masterpiece and the Pufferbabes come out of the woodwork like bees to honey.  Diabolical. Anywho, Japanese Puffer Fish.

Man, just watch that sea lion set these people up, just looking all cute and whatnot, poking his head out of the water like a puppy while eliciting oohs and ahs from the adoring crowd. What those people didn’t know was that Mr. Sea Lion was eyeing his lunch buffet, and the minute that kid sat down he went for her like a fat kid snatching a Ho Ho. Sea Lions, man. Sneaky as hell.

PS- And how about mom there, just whisking her kid away without a word of thanks? Hey lady, if it wasn’t for that superhero little Yuki there would’ve been taken to the depths of hell, eaten, and her bones left in a watery grave. But noooo, just march away as if you have a plane to catch or something. Yeesh. 

Weighing in at a whopping 30.8 pounds and measuring 3.93 feet long, Omar is much bigger than your average Australian cat.

Owner Stephanie Hirst said she expected Omar, a 3-year-old Maine coon cat, to weigh a maximum of 20 pounds. But when Omar hit that mark before turning one, she knew he was no ordinary feline.

“We sort of realized that he’s not nearly done growing yet,” Hirst told Australia’s Network Seven.

Hirst, who lives in Melbourne, said she has big plans for Omar. She has already submitted him to the Guinness Book of World Records to see if he will be named the world’s longest cat.

But Omar doesn’t seem to be fazed by his newfound fame. According to Hirst, he spends most of his time napping and staying out of the limelight.

Listen, I’ll say it even if nobody else will. That cat is too damn long. Freakishly long. Dude looks like a furry accordion, man. Scares me a little to be honest. L-o-o-o-o-o-n-g ass kitty. And it’s clear to me that Stephanie Hirst is just looking for publicity by whoring out Omar the Cat. Disgusting really. Anywho, long cat, man.

PS- So Omar “doesn’t seem fazed by his newfound fame”? Gee, I wonder why? Maybe because he’s a cat?

 
 

BOSTWICK, Fla. –Authorities say a Florida man leaned in to kiss a rattlesnake – but got bitten instead. 

Ron Reinold was flown to the hospital by helicopter in critical condition after he was bit by the rattlesnake on Tuesday, CBS affiliate WJAX reports.  

Charles Goff told WJAX he found the rattlesnake on Monday night. He said he knows how to handle snakes and put it in a tank, but he said his neighbors were playing with the snake when Reinold was bit. 

“The next morning before I got up, they were playing with the snake,” Goff told WJAX. “One guy said, ‘I’m going to kiss it on the mouth,’ and the snake bit him in the face.”

“Ron was just acting silly, you know?” he said. “I guess he said he could kiss the devil and get away with it, but evidently he didn’t.”

I read that this dude survived, unfortunately. This would have been a perfect example of natural selection, ya know? Social Darwinism and all that. Idiots like this guy need to die so future races will be smarter. Can’t let morons like Ron Reinold live to reproduce, man. That’s just a bad deal all-around for everyone.

On a related note, Florida, man.

ZimbabweA pastor has been killed after he was eaten by three crocodiles while trying to walk on water, it has been claimed. Jonathan Mthethwa was trying to show his congregation how Jesus walked on water by crossing what is locally known as Crocodile River on foot, according to local reports.

However, he did not make it across the river in Zimbabwe.

The pastor, from the Saint of the Last Days church, managed to get around 90-ft into the river, the paper reported, before trying to climb onto the surface of the river.

Eyewitness Deacon Nkosi told Zimbabwe Today: ‘The pastor taught us about faith on Sunday last week. He promised he would demonstrate his faith to us today, but he unfortunately ended up drowning and getting eaten by three large crocodiles in front of us. We still don’t understand how this happened because he fasted and prayed the whole week. They finished him in a couple of minutes. All that was left of him when they finished eating him is a pair of sandals and his underwear floating above the water.”

First off, I’m trying hard as hell not to laugh at the fact that the gators passed on eating the underwear, I really am. But can you believe the gators passed on eating the underwear? Gators, man. Even they have their limits. But seriously, Pastor Jonathan Mthethwa, I’ve always questioned this line of thinking where faith is concerned. “Hey, let’s really push God to the limit! I’m going to grab this rattlesnake to prove I have faith! The Lord will save me!” Well, maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll just wonder why you didn’t use the common sense he gave you as he watches you die a painful death from internal hemorrhaging. I mean, God helps those who help themselves, amirite?

Note: This reminds me of the old story about the man who was in his house as flood waters rose outside his door. A guy in a boat came by and offered to help, but the man said, “No thanks, God will provide help for me.” As the water rose, two more men in boats came by and were told the same thing. Eventually the man drowned, and when he stood at the pearly gates  he had this conversation with God:

Man: “I believed in you and had faith you would help me. Why did you forsake me?”

God: “I sent three boats for you. What else did you expect, man?”

I know I post a lot of this stuff but Sweet Mother of God there are some horrific creatures lurking under the surface of the ocean. And listen, don’t give me crap like, “Oh, that’s just a rotting whale” or something. I know a sea monster when I see one, damn it.

[click to enlarge, but at your own risk]

Deep sea diver.

[click to enlarge]

Helping a buddy.

Man, take a look at that Rocksucker. Ugly little dude, huh? He’s also known as the Clingfish, and he’s found along the Atlantic coast of southern Africa. He grows to a length of about 12-inches and is the largest species in the Clingfish family. On a related note, I bet those Clingfish family reunions are off the hook, man. Get it? Off the hook? It’s a fish? Nothing? Never mind. Anywho, Rocksucker.

For some reason I’m betting on the Mantis here.

Florida: Officials on Monday released a 911 call from the alligator attack over the weekend that left a 10-year-old girl with an injury to her leg.

The girl was sitting down in 2-foot-deep water in a designated swimming area at Moss Park about 2:30 p.m. Saturday when the 9-foot gator attacked her, according to a report by the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.

The gator bit the girl’s calf and knee, but she was able to pry open its jaws to get her leg free, the report states.

Her injuries were not life threatening. The girl’s father told deputies that she was doing fine at the hospital.

Of course she’s doing fine. She’s badass, what would you expect? No big deal, it’s just a 9-foot gator. Hold on a sec while I unpry its massive jaws from my leg. Seriously, a lot of people would have just checked out and called it a day once the gator grabbed their leg. Not this chick. She took the offensive. Girl’s probably enjoying fried gator as we speak.

Honestly though, this gator has to be getting scorched by his buddies right now, huh?

“Hey Hank, tell us again how that 10-year old girl pried your jaws open and sent you swimming home to mommy. That’s weaksauce, man.”

Great look for little girls, bad look for gators, man.

Diseases often jump from animals to humans. Smallpox, measles and probably tuberculosis came from cattle, influenza from birds and pigs, whooping cough from pigs or dogs, malaria from chickens and ducks, ebola from bats, and HIV from monkeys and chimps.

 

Hello there.

Never made it across the ocean yet. You’d think one or two would’ve stowed away on a ship or something. Huh.

So if you don’t know, Neil Degrasse Tyson is an astrophysicist, author, and scientist of some renown. He’s on TV all the freakin’ time. Anywho, he thinks he has all the answers and he took a shot at cats recently, which turned out to be a mistake. Why? Because a cat named Bitches responded by eviscerating him in one vicious tweet. Game, set, match to Bitches.

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That can’t be safe.

I have no idea what’s going on here, but there’s no way this is a good idea. No way. After all, that’s a, you know, bear. It could eat that kid in a nanosecond. Kids and bears? Bad combination, man.

The Scaredino Lizard, also affectionately known as the “Leaping Lizard of Death,” is known for it’s lust for blood from any source available. Well, hell, that’s just spine-chilling, man. Thankfully, this asshole is native to Scaredino, Portugal. Anywho, Scaredino Lizard.

Hey, wait up! Whew. Made it. I’ve also included a bonus gif below.

W-e-e-e-e-e-e!!!

Pup on a bender.

So I’m down at my parent’s house yesterday and my mother accidentally let her little poodle Jack out the back door. Jack immediately makes a run for it across the yard, the fields, and into the snake, bobcat and coyote inhabited woods behind their place. OK, maybe I’m exaggerating a little but believe me when I tell you that Jack would not fare well in the wilderness. Little bro has been raised by my 90-year old parents and would probably be overtaken and eaten by a colony of rabbits or something. Anywho, Jack had vamoosed. Scrammed. Hightailed it for parts unknown. He was gone.

At the time I was standing by the door talking to Mom and The Spark was out in the Jeep, where I’d left him earlier. Mom was a little panic-stricken, so I ran to the Jeep, let Spark out, and yelled, “Spark! Go get Jack!”

Honestly, I have no idea why I did it other than it seemed a good option at the time. I’ve seen Sparky do too many amazing things to doubt him.

At that point The Spark springs out of the Jeep, ears up, and makes a quick inventory of his surroundings. Then he bolts, nose to the ground, zig-zagging across their backyard as I gave chase.

Even with my impressive foot speed I couldn’t keep up, and the last thing I saw was Spark go halfway across the bridge over their lake, make a u-turn, and sprint towards the back part of their property and to the woods beyond.

All I could do was walk briskly towards where Sparky had gone, and for a couple minutes all was quiet. Finally I stopped and listened, but I heard nothing.

And then . . .

In the distance, bursting through the bush, here they came. Jack, with Spark close behind, headed my way. I swear to you that Sparky was herding Jack like a cow or sheep or something. Every time Jack tried to veer off or turn back, Sparky would give him a body bump or an occasional nip to keep him headed in the right direction.

Sparky continued this until Jack was basically corralled directly into my awaiting arms, at which point my flabbergasted mother met me with a leash so she could take Jack back inside.

Of course, my buddy proceeded to receive a ton of attention from both my parents, with ear rubs and plenty of “good boys” all-around. Spark, of course, acted like it was just another day at the office, even though he’d never rescued a poodle in his life.

Sparky, man. He never ceases to amaze me.

“Meh. Could’ve used a little tabasco sauce.”

Reuters: DNA tests on the carcass of a crocodile shot in Zimbabwe have confirmed that it contains the remains of a missing South African hunter, an investigator has told the BBC.

Scott Van Zyl was killed last week on the banks of the Limpopo river, said Sakkie Louwrens, director of a South-African crime-fighting NGO. He said Mr Van Zyl disappeared during a hunting safari last week.

His death is the latest in a series of fatal crocodile attacks in Zimbabwe.

Mr Louwrens told the BBC that Mr Van Zyl had gone on a hunting trip on the Zimbabwe-South Africa border with a local tracker and a pack of dogs. He said the pair left their vehicle and went in different directions in search of crocodiles.

A search and rescue operation was launched after Mr Van Zyl’s dogs returned to their camp without him.

I can imagine the dog’s conversation after the croc grabbed this guy:

“Well hell, Ernie, looks like that croc ain’t playin’. Think we should try and help?”

“Hell no. Let’s head back to the truck.”

Honestly, I have no sympathy for this guy. Anyone who messes with animals of any kind, wild or not, deserves a good old fashioned mauling. Same for bullfighters, man. I love it when the bull just gores the bejesus out of some dope with a cape.

PS- I’m no expert in the area of hunting dangerous animals but it seems like splitting up would be a bad idea. You know, maybe keep a friend with a gun handy. Just sayin’.

Man, that snake scared that bro shitless, amirite? Poor dude leaped like he’d seen a Komodo Dragon, man. Seriously, it was every man for himself there for a second. But seriously, did you see that snake leap through the door? Holy crap, that was a snake on a mission. A mission to kill. On a related note, by the end of the video the original guy at the door was 3-blocks away. He gone.