Bad Halloween Treats: My Top 7

Since Halloween is fast approaching, I was thinking of when I was a kid and some of the dumb things I used to do. You know, like getting a really large group of kids together (all with two masks) and lining up at a house, getting your candy, going to the end of the line, switching masks, and getting candy again. I know, I was a bad child. Or creative. You be the judge. Oh, and one time I may or may not have snipped a hole in the bag of a kid in front of me and pilfered his treats as I followed him. Anyway, like I said, bad kid and whatnot.

So, whilst thinking of Halloween I began to recall some of the best and worst treats given out by folks. For instance, some people used to give out actual candy bars, not the little “fun size” bars like they do now. I’ve never understood the whole “fun size” thing by the way. Wouldn’t “fun size” be a candy bar twice as big as the normal bar? Not a teeny tiny size? What a scam.

Anywho, I came up with a list of some treats I never wanted to find in my Halloween Bag ‘o’ Treats. Let us begin . . .

POPCORN BALLS

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I know somebody had to form those things with their hands or what, but I don’t trust the cleanliness of strangers enough to eat a popcorn ball made by them (UPDATE: Especially now). Ain’t happenin’. In addition, they’d be way too easy to inject with the Ebola Virus or something. Nope.

CRACKERS

Yeah, I got crackers when I was a kid, and so did my son a couple of times. Listen, I know times are bad economically and all, but crackers? Really? Keep your Ritz to yourself, people.

SEEDLESS RAISINS

Who the hell wants Seedless Raisins, ever? They look like little wrinkled turds. On a related note, I guess Seeded Raisins would be worse.

STRAWBERRY and PEANUT BUTTER M & M’s

These things are worse than Barbeque Cheez-Its. You should never mess with perfection. M & Ms should be chocolate, damn it!

APPLES

Or any fruit for that matter. Halloween Treats should be limited to CANDY only. It’s Halloween, man!

PENCILS

Listen folks, I know you’re trying to be health conscious and all, staying away from chocolate and stuff. But passing out pencils? Consider yourself lucky if you don’t get stabbed in the eye with that No. 2. Good Lord.

TOOTHBRUSH

Again, a health thing I know. But seriously? Unless you’re a dentist (and even then it’s questionable) a toothbrush is a huge letdown for any God-fearing American kid.

To reiterate, no fruit, no utensils, no crackers, and nothing made by hand. You’re welcome.

Keep it simple, stupid. Stick with chocolate.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!