Archive for the ‘Crime’ Category

A brazen meat thief has been caught on camera stuffing hundreds of dollars worth of prime cuts down his pants.

Sheriff’s deputies in Mobile County, Alabama, on Tuesday said they are seeking a man and a woman in connection with the stunning broad-daylight meat heist that took place on April 19th.

‘We are actively looking for these “Meat Packers”,’ the sheriff’s office said in a statement.

Security cameras at the Greer’s Market in Theodore, Alabama, which is about 20-miles south of Mobile, caught the criminals in the act around 1:15 pm.

First off, how in the hell can you fit hundreds of dollars of steaks down your pants? What’s the average price of a nice steak at Greer’s Market in Theodore, Alabama, maybe $15-$20? Hell, you’d have to stuff 20 to 25 Porterhouses down your britches to get to “hundreds” of dollars. Dude must have had a lot of room in there. Stunning meat heist indeed. And I’m glad the sheriff is “actively looking for the meat packers.” Lawmen who inactively look for bad guys are rarely successful.

PS- Yes, although I was tempted I refrained from making a joke using the words “prime cut” and “pants”. That’s self-control right there, kids. 

PPS- While searching for an appropriate photo I typed “meat stuffed into pants” into Google Image search. Don’t ever do that.

Authorities at a Virginia airport encountered some unusual baggage when they confiscated 13-pounds of horse genitals and a total of 42-pounds of horsemeat from two women arriving from Mongolia on Jan. 29.

The two women landed at the Washington Dulles International Airport last month when authorities discovered the meat concealed inside juice boxes, a release from US Customs and Border Protection said.

The women told authorities the horse genitals were for “medicinal purposes.”

The discovery rivaled other finds — “from fully-charred monkeys, to voodoo ceremony tools, to cocaine concealed inside the cavity of fully cooked chickens, to live sea horses and giant African land snails,” the release described.

Authorities said horsemeat is prohibited from entering the US “if it is not accompanied by an official government horsemeat certification from the country or government it originates.”

CBP incinerated the food products and declined to bring criminal charges against the women.

Whew. Where to begin? First off, they let these women off? What the hell? If illegal horsemeat smuggling doesn’t get you arrested I don’t know what will. But my favorite part of the article is when the release described prior finds – “fully-charred monkeys, voodoo ceremony tools, cocaine concealed inside the cavity of fully cooked chickens, live seahorses and giant African land snails.

Wait. Since when can’t we have a fully-charred monkey as a carry-on? I guess a semi-charred monkey would be OK? That’s bullshit, man.

PS – Eating horse balls is good for your health? Guess we really do learn something every day.

98% of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim.

 

murder

Sick of people complaining and feeling sorry for themselves because they live in 2016?

Me too.

Well, here’s what you can tell them the next time they begin one of their fretting, brooding mopefests:
smile-it-s-not-as-bad-as-you-think

Despite all the terrorist bombings, police brutality, ISIS, and all the other scary stuff on the news there has never been a safer time to be alive than right now.

Think today’s tough? Our earliest history was really, really violent. Genocides and mass warfare were everyday parts of life, not to mention folks dying of everything from tuberculosis, diarrhea and the flu.

And get this – based on archaeological evidence, it’s believed that during early civilization about 15% of all lives ended in murder. I’m no math major, but I’m pretty sure that’s about 15 out of every 100.

Jeebus.

But hey, the good news is that life got better as time went on, right up to today. In fact, the worldwide homicide rate is lower than it has ever been. In many places this is a humongous change. Italy, for example, has about 1.4 percent as many murderers as it did in the 1400s.

Genocide? It’s on its way to being abolished. As terrible as ISIS and all the recent genocides were, they’re teeny little blips compared to our past. Hell, genocide used to practically be a way of life.

Man, that was a bad choice of words by me.

Actually, the rate of mass murder has been steadily declining and has never been lower than it is today.

So hey, head up kids! The world isn’t as bad as all these TV shows and news reports are making it out to be. Quit moping and bitching about the world we live in, man.

You’re lucky to be living in the here and now! Enjoy it and be happy!

So former Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis went to Twitter today to rayraymake his latest holier than thou proclamation. See, Ray found God after walking away scot-free from a double-murder back in 2000. Since Ray has found God and can pass judgement on the rest of us, he felt he needed to chime in on people and their use of Twitter.

Here’s Ray’s initial tweet:

How much better would the world be if we pandered for God’s approval the way we do Twitter approval?

Oh boy. Oh, Ray, how could you not know how the twitterverse would respond? Here are a just a few of the salvos fired back at Ray-Ray. Most are pretty straight-forward. To wit . . .

Uh, you killed multiple people.

Can’t get much more direct than that, right? Oh. Maybe you can . . .

You stabbed a guy and got away with it.

Boom! Roasted. This next guy brought Ray’s family into the mix . . .

Brother, you beat a murder case and your son was indicted for rape charges, practice what you tweet.

Burn! This next gentleman referred to Ray’s tweet and ran with it:

How much better would the world be if we didn’t murder other people?

Can’t argue with that, can we? Then we have a bro who, being an atheist and all, pointed out his beliefs to Ray. Then he followed that with a cold blast of reality:

Well Ray, Twitter is real and God is not. Also, you’re a murderer.

Finally, we have a dude who went the sarcasm route:

Ah, God’s linebacker dispensing wisdom. Those two boys still dead?

That had to hurt. Bottom line, Ray? Judge not, lest ye be judged. And man, have you been judged.

Informative.

fights

Informative.

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Stay away from the red areas, kids.

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