Archive for the ‘Crime’ Category

So noted murderer Ray Lewis (allegedly) has stepped up to give his valuable life advice to Colin Kaepernick, the player who exercised his right as an American to not stand up during the National Anthem last football season and hence cannot find another job in the NFL. It seems that Ray-Ray took it upon himself to perform a video selfie directed at Kaepernick, and I must say it is gold, Jerry. GOLD! Here’s a link to the video if you’d like to watch it. However, if you’d rather not I’ll break it down for you . . .

0:00 – 0:11: “How crazy is I’m just leaving set at Fox and I’m getting all these texts and stuff about all this Colin Kaepernick stuff and all this stuff?”

As usual, Ray begins with questionable grammar, leaving out important prepositions like “at” and repeating simple terms such as “stuff.” Oh, and of course we can hear the ass-kisser in the car laughing hysterically at everything he’s saying.

0:11: “Let me explain something to you. I’m gonna keep it real simple with this.” 

This is right out of Ray’s playbook, treating his listeners like dummies, because in order to explain it so we can understand it he has to keep it simple. Wouldn’t want Ray-Ray talking over our heads, now would we?

0:30: “Kap, I pray for you more than you can ever imagine. Your name is in my Bible!”

Wait. What? I’ve read the Bible a few times, once for a class in college, and not once do I recall seeing the words, “Colin Kaepernick.” Then again, Ray is on such good terms with God (he/she allegedly got him out of a murder after all), that perhaps he/she let Ray make some modifications.

0:35: “My brother, everyone else can speak for you but until you speak for yourself and demand what you want to do with your life, it’s totally on you. It’s crazy that you always see people trying to respond.

Uh, OK? He lost me with that last part. And the only crazy person responding is Ray Lewis.

1:00: “I’ve made mistakes in my life. But I promise you if you look at my track record, I’ve never made the same mistake twice.”

Ah, now it’s all about Ray because we knew it would be. And the families of Reginald Oakley and Joseph Sweeting might disagree with the whole “never made the same mistake twice” thing.

1:15: “I’m in the streets everyday. EVERYDAY. So while people talking ‘What’s with this?’ and ‘Why Ray say this?’ and ‘Why Ray say that?’ Ray ain’t saying nothing!”

Boom! Ray is now talking in the third person, another personal trademark. And what does he mean about being in the streets? Maybe he means his driveway, like this one in front of one of his houses:

However, I do agree with him when he says he isn’t saying anything.

1:30: “And that’s why I take each and every one of these kids. And that’s why I take them away from their environments and give them something else to see in life. And that’s why I played the way I played.”

Do the police know Ray Lewis has gone from killing people (allegedly) to stealing children? And what does all this have to do with the way he played?

1:50 – “What you do off the field, don’t let too many people know.”

Finally, Ray Lewis gives out some useful information based on his own personal experience and history. Good Lord.

Seriously, Ray Lewis has to be the most unself-aware human being on planet Earth. Dude lied his way out of a double-murder (allegedly), got a jury to believe he lost the blood-splattered suit he was wearing the night those two men were stabbed to death, has 6-kids by 4-women and still claims to be a Man of God and the counselor to all the poor souls who need his advice.

I can’t believe Fox Sports still employs this clown.

Note: If you need a refresher on the whole Ray Lewis murder thing, here ya go:

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Once again, nobody writes headlines like me. You’re welcome.

Police are hunting for a man who attacked five people with a chainsaw in the Swiss town of Schaffhausen. Franz Wrousis is alleged to have launched his assault at a health insurance office shortly after 10:30 local time (08:30 GMT). The attack sparked a manhunt involving more than 100 officers from both Switzerland and Germany. Police say the 51-year-old, who lives in the woods, is dangerous and believed to be still armed with the chainsaw. His exact motives are still not clear, but police Major Ravi Landolt told a news conference: “This is not an attack against a hypothetical person. This is clearly against people from the insurer.”

Whew. Glad Franz Wrousis was only going after a “hypothetical person” and not, you know, an “actual person.” Sure that meant a lot to the folks getting attacked by a man with a freaking chainsaw. But hey, you’d be a little edgy too if every time you had to fill in the address box on every freaking form you ever signed as “the woods.” Bummer, man. And I wonder how long it took the po-po to figure out they’d better list this guy as “dangerous.” Guess the chainsaw had something to do with that.

Anyhoo, just remember, kids. Chainsaws don’t kill people. People kill people.

PS- Is this his mug shot? Way to keep it simple, Switzerland.

This is the face you have when you sleep in a pile of leaves every night.

A brazen meat thief has been caught on camera stuffing hundreds of dollars worth of prime cuts down his pants.

Sheriff’s deputies in Mobile County, Alabama, on Tuesday said they are seeking a man and a woman in connection with the stunning broad-daylight meat heist that took place on April 19th.

‘We are actively looking for these “Meat Packers”,’ the sheriff’s office said in a statement.

Security cameras at the Greer’s Market in Theodore, Alabama, which is about 20-miles south of Mobile, caught the criminals in the act around 1:15 pm.

First off, how in the hell can you fit hundreds of dollars of steaks down your pants? What’s the average price of a nice steak at Greer’s Market in Theodore, Alabama, maybe $15-$20? Hell, you’d have to stuff 20 to 25 Porterhouses down your britches to get to “hundreds” of dollars. Dude must have had a lot of room in there. Stunning meat heist indeed. And I’m glad the sheriff is “actively looking for the meat packers.” Lawmen who inactively look for bad guys are rarely successful.

PS- Yes, although I was tempted I refrained from making a joke using the words “prime cut” and “pants”. That’s self-control right there, kids. 

PPS- While searching for an appropriate photo I typed “meat stuffed into pants” into Google Image search. Don’t ever do that.

Authorities at a Virginia airport encountered some unusual baggage when they confiscated 13-pounds of horse genitals and a total of 42-pounds of horsemeat from two women arriving from Mongolia on Jan. 29.

The two women landed at the Washington Dulles International Airport last month when authorities discovered the meat concealed inside juice boxes, a release from US Customs and Border Protection said.

The women told authorities the horse genitals were for “medicinal purposes.”

The discovery rivaled other finds — “from fully-charred monkeys, to voodoo ceremony tools, to cocaine concealed inside the cavity of fully cooked chickens, to live sea horses and giant African land snails,” the release described.

Authorities said horsemeat is prohibited from entering the US “if it is not accompanied by an official government horsemeat certification from the country or government it originates.”

CBP incinerated the food products and declined to bring criminal charges against the women.

Whew. Where to begin? First off, they let these women off? What the hell? If illegal horsemeat smuggling doesn’t get you arrested I don’t know what will. But my favorite part of the article is when the release described prior finds – “fully-charred monkeys, voodoo ceremony tools, cocaine concealed inside the cavity of fully cooked chickens, live seahorses and giant African land snails.

Wait. Since when can’t we have a fully-charred monkey as a carry-on? I guess a semi-charred monkey would be OK? That’s bullshit, man.

PS – Eating horse balls is good for your health? Guess we really do learn something every day.

98% of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim.

 

murder

Sick of people complaining and feeling sorry for themselves because they live in 2016?

Me too.

Well, here’s what you can tell them the next time they begin one of their fretting, brooding mopefests:
smile-it-s-not-as-bad-as-you-think

Despite all the terrorist bombings, police brutality, ISIS, and all the other scary stuff on the news there has never been a safer time to be alive than right now.

Think today’s tough? Our earliest history was really, really violent. Genocides and mass warfare were everyday parts of life, not to mention folks dying of everything from tuberculosis, diarrhea and the flu.

And get this – based on archaeological evidence, it’s believed that during early civilization about 15% of all lives ended in murder. I’m no math major, but I’m pretty sure that’s about 15 out of every 100.

Jeebus.

But hey, the good news is that life got better as time went on, right up to today. In fact, the worldwide homicide rate is lower than it has ever been. In many places this is a humongous change. Italy, for example, has about 1.4 percent as many murderers as it did in the 1400s.

Genocide? It’s on its way to being abolished. As terrible as ISIS and all the recent genocides were, they’re teeny little blips compared to our past. Hell, genocide used to practically be a way of life.

Man, that was a bad choice of words by me.

Actually, the rate of mass murder has been steadily declining and has never been lower than it is today.

So hey, head up kids! The world isn’t as bad as all these TV shows and news reports are making it out to be. Quit moping and bitching about the world we live in, man.

You’re lucky to be living in the here and now! Enjoy it and be happy!

So former Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis went to Twitter today to rayraymake his latest holier than thou proclamation. See, Ray found God after walking away scot-free from a double-murder back in 2000. Since Ray has found God and can pass judgement on the rest of us, he felt he needed to chime in on people and their use of Twitter.

Here’s Ray’s initial tweet:

How much better would the world be if we pandered for God’s approval the way we do Twitter approval?

Oh boy. Oh, Ray, how could you not know how the twitterverse would respond? Here are a just a few of the salvos fired back at Ray-Ray. Most are pretty straight-forward. To wit . . .

Uh, you killed multiple people.

Can’t get much more direct than that, right? Oh. Maybe you can . . .

You stabbed a guy and got away with it.

Boom! Roasted. This next guy brought Ray’s family into the mix . . .

Brother, you beat a murder case and your son was indicted for rape charges, practice what you tweet.

Burn! This next gentleman referred to Ray’s tweet and ran with it:

How much better would the world be if we didn’t murder other people?

Can’t argue with that, can we? Then we have a bro who, being an atheist and all, pointed out his beliefs to Ray. Then he followed that with a cold blast of reality:

Well Ray, Twitter is real and God is not. Also, you’re a murderer.

Finally, we have a dude who went the sarcasm route:

Ah, God’s linebacker dispensing wisdom. Those two boys still dead?

That had to hurt. Bottom line, Ray? Judge not, lest ye be judged. And man, have you been judged.

Informative.

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Informative.

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Stay away from the red areas, kids.

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