Hey parents, just a little heads-up.

The other day during our “In the News” portion of class I had one of those moments that we, as teachers, experience from time-to-time.  One of those moments where we almost yell (OK, I actually yell), “Whoa! WHOA! Hold on a second there Eldon, back up j-u-s-t a tad. We REALLY don’t need to hear about your dad beating up your Uncle Ernie for stealing weed from his trailer down by the creek. Thanks for participating though.”

Note: That happened. Last Thursday.

That moment reminded me of all the stuff I’ve heard over the years. You know, I really try to stop kids before they spill their guts about their home life but sometimes you just can’t be quick enough. Trust me, over the years I’ve heard things that would make a parent blanche if they knew that I knew.

Over the years I’ve been told a father was having an affair (nope, mom didn’t know yet), a sister was pregnant (parents had yet to be informed), and that a sibling was gay (and was still trying to figure out how to tell mom and pops).

I’ve heard multiple stories of family squabbles, money problems, job firings, drunkenness, sicknesses, marijauna crops and a multitude of other personal issues.

Multiply these by 1,000 and you might come close to the amount of information I’ve processed over my career. And yes, I know what you’re thinking. There have been a few times where I’ve had to take what I learned and deal with it appropriately.

After all, for morality’s sake alone, some things simply can’t be kept to yourself.

So parents, please take note. Your teacher knows everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. We know about your Aunt Betty, the one who had the sex-change. And Papaw’s flatulence issues? It came up during “In the News.” And you don’t even want to know what little Ethan borrowed from your drawer to present during “Show and Tell.”

Trust us, it was entertaining. And no worries, we won’t tell. We’ve stored it away and won’t use it to our advantage.

Unless we have to.

Originally published on October 14th, 2012.