Holy Powerball! I just won 7-million pounds!!!

I just checked. That’s $10,783,500.00 in US cash, folks! YEAAAHHH! I’m financially independent. Rich. Wealthy. I can finally get that ’55 T-Bird I’ve always wanted. Here’s the dilly . . .

I was minding my own bidness today, trying to catch up on some sleep after my wonderful week in the Emerald Isle of the Caribbean, Montserrat. Then, as I was innocently checking my email, I came across this blast of good news, a dream come true, an answer to my prayers:

You have won Seven Million pounds from Abu Dhabi, Manchester City promotion 2013. Contact Mrs. Felicia Samad with your Serial number (ABU5627635368/10) Contact via E-mail: abudhabimanchestercity093@hotmail.com You are one of the six lucky winner.

See, they even capitalized Seven Million! Well, obviously I immediately shot off an email to Mrs. Felicia Samad. Here ’tis:

Dear Ms. Samad,

Thank you thank you thank you! I cannot believe I am one of the six lucky winners! What do you need from me in order for me to receive my prize? Social Security number? Bank information? Credit Card numbers? Blank check? An arm? Leg? Left testicle? Let me know!

Your new best friend,

Dave Shoemaker

So there ya go! I’ll own all y’all! Just as soon as I hear back from Mrs. Felicia Samad you’ll all be kissing my feet, begging for loans, massaging my loins.

And I’ve already taken my entire life savings and put a down payment on my yacht, which I shall christen “The Dave.” I’ll pay it off when my winnings arrive from Dubai.

So to all my so-called friends who’ve stuck with me through thick and thin, EAT IT! BITE ME. Now that I’m rich I’m never looking back.

Wait.

I just got a call from my bank.

Disregard previous missive.

Everyone knows I was joking with the “eat it” stuff, right?

Right?