The greatest, or worst, names in sports history.

Note: This site is about to hit an all-time low. Well, at least since my “Inappropriate Food names” blog awhile back. That was pretty low too. You be the judge.

Yeah, these are either the best are the worst, depending on your perspective. I have no idea what brought this blog idea into my noggin but pop into my head it did. Please remember that all of these names are real names and not nicknames, which would be way too easy. By the way, one of my Cardinal Rules of Life is that you cannot give yourself a nickname. But I digress. On to my 15 Best, or worst, names in Sports History.

A-n-d we’re off . . .

Ron Tugnutt

Not with those gloves he isn’t.

I dare you to say his name out loud without laughing. Go ahead, try it. I’ll wait. Tugnutt. Seems sort of painful and erotic at the same time. Hey, I warned you this was going to be an edgy blog. It’s not too late to turn back, kids.

Dick Ricketts

Sorry Dick.

Dick was actually a referee in southern Ohio years ago after playing pro hoops for the Cincinnati Royals. I always thought his name sounded like a disease a man would never want to get. I can hear the doctor now: “Son, I hate to break this to you, but you have a severe case of Dick Ricketts. It’s going to have to be removed.” Yikes. In addition, I wouldn’t advise typing “dick ricketts” into the Google Image search box. Just sayin’.

God Shammgod

Question. What would you name your other son?

God is a former college basketball player for Providence, and he played briefly in the NBA for the Wizards. I actually met God Shammgod once at a camp back in the 90’s and he seemed like a nice, unassuming guy. You know, for a deity.

Dick Trickle

Seriously, wouldn’t you go by Richard?

Dick Trickle was a NASCAR driver, and his name sort of falls into the same category as Dick Ricketts, as in it’s sort of something you wouldn’t want to be afflicted with. On a related note, this isn’t exactly my proudest moment as a writer.

Scientific Mapp

I’m 27% sure this is him. On a related note, I don’t think that’s him.

Scientific was also a college basketball player that I was acquainted with at one point during my college hoop camp days. The cool thing about Scientific Mapp was that he had a brother, also a college player, named . . . wait for it . . . Majestic Mapp. Too freaking cool. Both really smart guys by the way.

Rusty Kuntz

THIS is the best photo they could come up with for a card? Really?

Rusty was a pro baseball player, and to be fair his last name is pronounced “Koontz”. You know, because nobody likes rusty kuntz. On the other hand, everybody can appreciate a . . .

Misty Hyman

The face of a winner. Or something.

Misty is an Olympic swimmer. There are about 50 directions I could go here, and 49 of them are just wrong. So, I’ll quit while I’m ahead.

Picabo Street

Her parents had to be hippies, amirite?

Picabo is actually pronounced Peek-a-boo, which is around 17-kinds of cool. On the other hand, it probably quit being quite as cool around, say, 13-years old. Anyway, Picabo was an olympic skier.

Fabian Assman

Sounds like some sort of superhero.

Fabian is a soccer player from Argentina. His last name is Assman. My work is done here.

Chubby Cox

See? Chubby Cox.

No, Chubby Cox  was not a 70’s porn star. He is a retired pro basketball player, and he was skinny. Life makes no sense sometimes. In addition, I said I wasn’t using nicknames. I lied.

Fair Hooker

Pretty fair hooker in his day. I have no idea what that even means.

Fair Hooker played pro football for the Cleveland Browns. He was a wide receiver, because  of course he was.

Dean Windass

Dean Windass. Insert fart joke here.

Dean Windass was a professional soccer player. His wife’s name is Helen Windass. No word on the kids. Did I mention his last name is Windass?

I.M. Hipp

I.M. Hipp. Yes you were.

I.M. Hipp was a pretty damn good football player for Nebraska back in the day. He also played for the Oakland Raiders, but that pales in comparison to the fact that his name was I.M. Hipp.

Dick Pole

Dick Pole, staring stoically into space.

Yep. Dick Pole. Says so right there on the card. What can I say? It was a more innocent time. That’s also the third Dick on my list if you’re keeping track, and that’s not counting Chubby Cox. I am so sorry right now.

Harry Colon

Penicillin will clear it right up.

Harry Colon. They have to have drugs that’ll take care of that, right? Can’t be healthy.

So there are my Top 15 Unfortunate, or fortunate, sports names. Others who just missed the cut were Coco Crisp, Metta World Peace, Exree Hipp, Napoleon Outlaw and World B. Free.

Finally, a short anecdote about a young football player I once coached. He had been christened Jesus Christ (true story) by his mother, but he went by Chris in school to, you know, avoid confusion. After all, you wouldn’t want to be turning around every time somebody yelled that name, ya know? Anyway, he played receiver on our team and whenever we needed a miracle catch I think you know who we threw to.

Maybe I should look him up and introduce him to God Shammgod.