Archive for the ‘WTF?’ Category

Note: I recently posted a photo of a woman in a local supermarket covered head to toe in plastic, along with a giant hat, rubber galoshes, and what appeared to be humongous gloves like Mickey Mouse wears. I posted it because she looked funny, not because I questioned her reasoning regarding staying healthy. Everyone settle down.

So we’ve run out of facemasks. We humans a creative species, amirite? We figure it out. We make do. Lemonade from lemons and whatnot. Want proof? Take a gander . . .

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Oh, there have been many a dumb moment on television. Fonzie jumping the shark, Geraldo opening Al Capone’s vault, Dan Quayle, I could go on for days. But yesterday may have taken the proverbial cake. It all started with this tweet:

As you can surely see, the Math here is a bit flawed. And by “a bit” I mean “horrendously.” Any 5th grader knows that 1,000,000 divided by 1,000,000 is 1, right? Right? The truth is, every American would have gotten $1.53. But hey, the guy was only $999,998.47 off the mark. Amazingly though, MSNBC anchor Brian Williams and NYT Board Member Mara Gay aired the tweet and discussed it on live TV:

Oh boy.

I’ve been telling some basketball stories lately, most regarding coaches I’ve had the pleasure to have met over the years. And don’t worry guys, I’ll save the best ones until much later down the line. I’d never do that to y’all.

Not yet anyway.

I kid. Anyway, the story I’m about to tell came to mind the other day, and to this day I have no idea exactly what happpened. All I know is that afterwards I was pretty sure Bob Huggins was a warlock, a soothsayer, a seer, or possibly a combination of all three. Here’s the deal . . .

I was heading out to Morgantown for a game, and as usual I took a friend with me. It’s nearly a 4-hour drive, so we usually made a stop around halfway. We pulled off the main road somewhere west of the Ohio/West Virginia border, took a little side road and ended up at a gas station. My buddy went to use the bathroom as I grabbed some soft drinks and chips. We then loaded back up into the car and were on our way.

After about 45-minutes my friend suddenly yelled, “Damn it! I left my cell phone back at the gas station! It’s in my coat hanging on the back of the stall door! Shit!”

Well, hell. We were planning on attending the 10:00am walkthrough like we always did, and by the time we went all the way back to find the phone we’d miss it. So, we decided to call the phone, hope someone answered, and tell them we’d stop and retrieve it on our way back through the following day.

However, although we used my phone to call the number over and over until we got to WVU Coliseum, nobody was answering. We figured it was stolen or that simply nobody was hearing the phone ringing. Bottom line, we both figured the phone was long gone.

So we arrived at the walkthrough, took a seat beside the court, and got ready to watch the preparation for that night’s game. Soon Huggs came over and sat beside me and we began shooting the breeze. I introduced him to my friend, and I couldn’t help but throw this in:

Yeah, the dumbass left his phone in the bathroom stall of a little Mom & Pop gas station somewhere between Athens and Parkersburg. We tried calling it but I’m afraid it’s long gone.”

At that point Huggs laughed, asked a couple questions about the station (we had no clue of its name and just had a general location), and I assumed it was forgotten.

Except . . .

As we’re sitting there, just chilling and watching practice, Huggs suddenly hands me his phone and says, “Here. Say hello.”

Huh?

“Just say hello, damn it.”

I then say hello, not knowing what the hell was going on, and a woman’s voice says, “Hey honey, don’t worry, we have your phone. It’s under the counter. Just pick it up tomorrow.”

Wait. What? How?

Somehow, Huggs knew exactly the name of the little out-of-way gas station we’d told him about, called it, and explained our problem.

Of course I asked him what the hell just happened. His answer?

“Shoe, I’ve been on every backroad in Ohio and West Virginia looking at players. I knew exactly where you were talking about.”

Huggs, man. He never ceases to amaze.

German fashion designer Philipp Pleine earned the justified ire of both professional and amateur fashion critics on Saturday with a show he staged during Milan Fashion Week. The collection included a limited-edition selection of purple-and-gold jerseys ($2,070), hoodies ($3,150) and sneakers ($2,200) that take their styling cues from Bryant’s iconic Lakers jersey.

The designer replaced the team’s name with his own on these garments and rendered all the letters and the Lakers legend’s number, 24, in glittering crystals. Bryant’s name is nowhere to be seen, but the back of the jersey and hoodie include a rendering of a black mamba—an homage to the basketball player’s nickname.

On their own, these items might have passed muster, but Plein’s set design pieces for the show proved too much for some onlookers to bear. “Philipp Plein made two gold helicopters for his show today, which falls 27 days after Kobe died in a helicopter crash,” one observer pointed out on Twitter. Another called the choice “Distasteful, tacky and material waste.’

In a statement to Page Six, Plein said he didn’t have time to remove the helicopters (which appeared alongside a tableau of land, sea and aircraft commissioned for the show in November) and lamented that his intentions were misunderstood.

As you know I’m a bit of a fashion maven myself, having written the acclaimed blogs The NRA Held Their Concealed Carry Fashion Show in Milwaukee and It Was Straight Fire, The Thom Browne Fashion Show: A Shoe: Untied Review, Time For The Latest Shoe: Untied Fashion Review!, and Fashion Brand Makes School Shooting Clothing Line And It’s Absolutely Disgusting. Click on those links to read my crack fashion team’s opinions on various shows.

Which brings us to this latest show by a dude named Philipp Plein. As you’ve already read, it was supposedly a “tribute” to Kobe Bryant as models in Lakers style jerseys paraded on stage around (ugh) golden helicopters. In what world, my friends, would someone think this was a good idea? Golden helicopters? Good God almighty that’s horrific. And since Mr. Plein feels so “misunderstood” I’d really like to hear his explanation. Check out the photos, but be preapared to wince.

I know, captivating title. You’re welcome.

Anyway, this is a time-honored question that has plagued the minds of the citizenry for decades. Why do people feel the need to stick their tongues out when a camera is focused upon them or when talking a selfie? Such a strange custom, amirite? And isn’t it sort of rude and off-putting? But maybe that’s the point? The mind reels. Here’s what my crack staff found out after minutes hours of mind-numbing research on the interweb, or more specifically Psychology Today: 

No scholar appears to have covered tongue protrusion systematically, comprehensively, and cross-culturally. It’s safe to say that no ultimate, authoritative source yet exists to account for the phenomenon. 

Well, hell, Psychology Today is no help. Bottom line, there are a lot of people who are plagued with the idea that this is a good look for them.

Hey, this is just my opinion but if you’re above the age of 18 and you’re sticking out your tongue in pictures we will all be making fun of you for it.*

*Unless you live in a Tibet where sticking your tongue out is a common greeting. In that case you get a pass.

With all that said, let’s take a look at some examples, followed by some historic tongues, or the possible originators if you will.

Yeah, I don’t get it either, but maybe we can blame this guy?

No? What about these two?

That’s Gene Simmons of KISS and Debbie Harry of Blondie for all you youngbloods out there. But let’s go back a little farther. Can we blame it on the Rolling Stones?

Nah, surely not. But wait, I just had an epiphany. I think I’ve got it! It goes back to THIS rapscallion!

Einstein, man. Dude was a pioneer in more ways than one.

Anyway, grownups, please spare us the sight. Put that obnoxious flappy tongue back in your mouth. Nobody wants to see it, and despite what you might think it’s not cute, funny, silly, or sexy. It’s just gross. And to those of you who continue to adhere to this goofy practice I say this:

 

PS- This brought up an interesting debate amongst the staff here at Shoe: Untied – Has the flappy tongue replaced the dick lips is selfiedom? I say it has.

PPS-

 

 

NYP – A mysterious object 500-million light years away has baffled scientists after transmitting signals that hit Earth every 16-days. Scientists do not know what is causing the phenomenon, but it is being recognized as the first reliable pattern of fast radio bursts in deep space.

Astrophysicists discovered the pattern in data from the Canadian Hydrogen Intensity Mapping Experiment, or CHIME, radio telescope in British Columbia. In this particular instance, around one to two radio bursts will blast out per hour for four days before going silent for 12-days. The cycle then repeats itself.

These newly discovered repeating bursts suggest that someone, or something, is controlling them.

And so it begins. First a minor blurb in the New York Post, then a sighting of a major asteroid that’s not really an asteroid heading our way, then we’re all laser beamed into smithereens. Seriously, I’ve read Steven Hawking. Basically he said any civilization that has the capability to cross inter-galactic space can treat humans however the hell they want. On a related note, the histories of advanced civilizations meeting primitive ones doesn’t bode well for humankind. What I’m trying to say is that it’s all over, kids. Farewell and goodnight.

PS- Wait. It’s 500-million light years away. Which means it was doing this 500-million years ago, right? I’m so confused.

 

Da hell? Pig Dog? Pony Pig? The mind reels. What is it? Scroll down to find out.

Here’s the photo flipped 180 degrees. Does this help? No?

Ah, there it is. Puppy! And the best part is that his name is Doug.

Oh hell yes he did. Way back in 2014.

PS- And is anyone else wondering what Jack Terrel did with his life? I need to know.

PPS- Also, Kaitlin Rosetta knew exactly what was up.

See, an anchor sinks. In fact, that’s its job.

Dude, that’s a 5-foot tall stork, bigger than a damn 6th grader. I’m telling you man, the glaring, dark stare of a 5-foot tall stork can be a frightening thing for a weary traveler. These bad boys can exhibit territorial tendencies, as seen in an infamous incident that occurred at the Belize Zoo. Their stork exhibit now features a roof above the visitor viewing platform after a Jabiru Stork tried to stab an unsuspecting patron with its freakin’ 14-inch-long bill. Jeebus. Jabiru storks are native to Central and South America, where they typically feed on small mammals, fish, amphibians and the ocassional lost toddler. Anywho, Jabiru Stork.

Hey kids, remember The Wonder Years? The Wonder Years aired from 1988 and 1993 and depicted the years between 1968 and 1973. When I watched the show it felt like it was set in a time long, long ago, which it was – way back when I was a youngster. But get this- if a new Wonder Years premiered today, it would cover the years between 2000 and 2005.

Think about that for a second.

ARBY’S APOLOGIZES FOR “SHOCKING” SIGN

When Christine Hemsworth brought her children to a local Arby’s for dinner, she was shocked to discover that some of her little ones might not always be welcome at the family friendly chain.

On Oct. 6, Hemsworth stopped by the meaty sandwich chain for a bite to eat with three of her kids, one of whom is a toddler, she told TODAY Food. Hemsworth, who is from Princeton, Minnesota, visited an Arby’s in the neighboring town of Elk River, which is about 20 minutes away. As she was entering, she saw a surprising notice posted to the door.

“Only well behaved Children who can keep their food on their trays and their bottoms on their seats are welcome. If you can’t do this you will be asked to leave,” the sign read.

“I’m not a complainer — I’m really not,” she told TODAY. “But this just didn’t sit well with me. The manager could have addressed the message to people individually, not assigned it to the general public.”

That night, Hemsworth posted the story to her Facebook page and by 9 a.m. the next morning it had garnered about 330 shares. She then deleted it.

After learning of the franchise’s actions, Arby’s issued a statement apologizing: “We recognize the language on this sign was insensitive. We removed it quickly, and have disciplined the manager and team working at the restaurant. It does not reflect our company values and the family-friendly environment we aim to provide in all of our restaurants.”.

Just one quick question – WHAT IS THE PROBLEM HERE? This is “shocking”? “Insensitive”? I’m dyin’ over here. So it’s too much to ask to keep your kids in their seats and not running around like hooligans while you’re trying to enjoy your delicious Smokehouse Brisket and Loaded Curly Fries? Good Lord, man. I know Arby’s isn’t exactly fine dining but people shouldn’t expect to be hounded by demon urchins from hell whilst supping either. Gimme a break, man. Lighten’ up America!

PS- It’s so sad that Arby’s backed down so quickly and apologized. Feel free to let your children have food fights and act disrespectfully everyone! Here’s a preview!

Oh for the love of God this is all we need right now, a Man-Fish swimming around in China. And if there’s one there’s more, kids. That’s just science. What’s next? Pig-Faced Chimpanzees? Horse-Faced Gerbils? The mind reels, man. If I was swimming and that Koi-Beast rolled up beside me I’d die on the spot. Holy Hell that’s horrifying.

PS- Don’t tell me those are just markings on that fish. That’s a damn demon face and you know it.

PPS- China’s been on a roll lately, amirite? Must be the a nuclear plant leak or something over there.

Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Do the Japanese know how to hold a Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament or do they not? Holy Hello Kitty man, this video gave me chills. This tournament makes the Super Bowl or March Madness look like a chess tournament. I’m telling you that you could cut the tension with a knife pair of scissors. The Japanese, man. Producing spectacles like you read about.

PS- My crack staff here at Shoe: Untied did some research and found that these competitors are treated like rock stars in Japan, as they should be.

Yep. There they are.

Newsweek: A colony of up to 1-million Cannibal Ants trapped in a nuclear bunker for years have escaped, scientists in Poland have said.

The ants, which had no food source other than their dead nestmates, were first discovered in 2013 were found to be solely made up of worker ants meaning they could not reproduce—how their numbers grew so large was a mystery.

The team, led by Wojciech Czechowski, from the Museum and Institute of Zoology and the Polish Academy of Sciences, were carrying out a survey of bats living in an abandoned Soviet nuclear bunker when they came across the wood ants living in an ammunition bunker where nuclear weapons were once kept. The ants had no access to the outside world and appeared to have come from a nest above that was positioned over a ventilation pipe. When the ants fell down the pipe, they were entombed in the bunker.

However, after returning to the site two years later, scientists found the colony was not only still there, but that it had grown in numbers. This was despite there being no obvious food source, no heat and no light. A population estimate suggested there were at least 1-million ants living in the bunker.

In 2016, scientists found the colony was still there and the team set out to analyze its behavior. They installed a boardwalk that led to another ventilation pipe that the ants could use to escape the bunker. A year later, they returned to the site to find the colony had almost completely vanished. The team inspected the corpses that had been left behind and found bite marks and holes, mostly in the abdomen. This, they said, was evidence that the ants were eating their deceased nestmates in order to survive.

As far as I’m concerned Wojciech Czechowski of the Museum and Institute of Zoology and the Polish Academy of Sciences can go straight to hell. “Hey, check it out! A million Cannibal Ants trapped in a bunker! Let’s let them out!” Good God man. You had them right where you wanted them. Shoulda taken a flamethrower to those cannibals and called it a day. But nooooo. Now those things are going to spread from Poland to lay waste to Germany, swarm France, make one of those cool ant Living Rafts and land in Virginia Beach by New Year’s. Bottom line we’re all doomed thanks to our boy Wojciech. Sad really. Enjoy your next 7-weeks everyone. Happy Holidays!

NASA’s InSight Lander has recorded the first ever ‘Mars Quake’ back in April. Roughly six months later, NASA recorded more ‘peculiar sounds’ on the distant planet.

In an Oct. 1 blog post, NASA said that the lander’s seismometer, known as the Seismic Experiment for Interior Structure (SEIS), is able to pick up subtle noises, including a breeze, as well as more Mars quakes.

It [Mars quake] had a surprisingly high-frequency seismic signal compared to what the science team has heard since then,” NASA wrote in the post. “Out of more than 100 events detected to date, about 21 are strongly considered to be quakes. The remainder could be quakes as well, but the science team hasn’t ruled out other causes.”

First, listen to the audio/video. My comments are below.

So the science team hasn’t ruled out “other causes?” First off, let me begin by saying this:  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! Are you serious NASA? Those sounds are dinks caused by friction? Wind gusts? Suuuuure they are. I’m telling you right now, if those sounds aren’t aliens screwing around with the Mars InSight Lander I’m Marvin the Martian from Bugs Bunny. Hell, I’m pretty sure they were sending us a message in Morse Code at one point, then followed it up with an alien groaning into the mic just to shove it in our faces. Bottom line we’re going to be invaded and ultimately eaten by aliens. End of story. Thank you and goodnight.

Marvin.

SCMP- In a farm deep in the southern region of China lives a very big pig that’s as heavy as a polar bear.

The 1,102 pound animal is part of a herd that’s being bred to become giant swine. At slaughter, some of the pigs can sell for more than 10,000 yuan ($1,399.00), over three times higher than the average monthly disposable income in Nanning, the capital of Guangxi province where Pang Cong, the farm’s owner, lives.

While Pang’s pigs may be an extreme example of the lengths farmers are going to fill China’s swelling pork shortage problem, the idea that bigger is better has been spreading across the country, home to the world’s most voracious consumers of the meat.

Aaaand here we go again, messing around with genetics and whatnot. Seriously, what is it with people, building robots that act like humans, breeding giant animals, and otherwise tempting fate? Do we really need 1/2 ton porkers? Can’t we just breed more regular sized pigs? I don’t get it, man. We’re just asking for trouble. These beasts tried to eat Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, people! Imagine if a bunch of those things turned on us, like they inevitably will. Horrifying thought, really.

PS- I came up with a pretty solid “swelling pork problem” line but I couldn’t pull the trigger.

PPS- Sparky would go for the throat and take one of those things down in a heartbeat. Bacon for years.

Man, that was an awkward headline. Sorry. Anywho . . .

(BBC) –  A man who was gored by a bison in June took a date back to the same place – only for her also to be attacked.

Kyler Bourgeous brought Kayleigh Davis to the same trail at a state park in Utah with plans to watch the sunset. But when Ms. Davis ran a little ahead, she ended up alone with a bison who charged and flipped her into the air.

“I looked over my shoulder, seeing it get closer – and I looked again and it was pretty much right behind me. Right as I saw it, I flew up in the air about 15-feet,” Ms. Davis says.

She landed on her back and lay completely still – remembering what happened to Mr. Bourgeous – as the bison sniffed at her until he eventually left her alone.

Whew. Where to start. First of all, what are the chances this guy is tired of his girlfriend and wanted to end things for good? He takes her for the exact same spot and says, “Hey honey, you go on ahead. I’ll be along shortly.” Then boom, the bison does his thing like Kyler Bourgeous knew he would and Kyler is free as a bird.

Secondly, if it wasn’t a diabolical plan how stupid is this moron? His girlfriend wants to go on a date to watch the sunset and he says, “Great! I know the perfect romantic location! Let’s go to that place where I was gored by a bison!” It’ll be great!”

Finally, what are the percentages this bison heard that couple talking and attacked them because their names were Kyler and Kayleigh? I say 89%.

Good God.

Whew. Finally! I was wondering when someone was going to open the Flower of Life and find the Real Wave Conjugations. Thank God Terrance figured this all out because I was just talking to Sparky the other day about these very subjects. Terrance has really eased my mind. Can’t wait for his YouTube video.

PS- And everyone knows gravity isn’t real. Jordan proved that 30-years ago.

PPS- What the hell?

Today – Streetwear brand Bstroy is facing backlash after debuting their latest clothing collection.

The New York-based brand unveiled its spring 2020 collection at a fashion show earlier this week, and many Instagram users are calling some of the designs “disgusting” and “tasteless” in response. The garments at the center of the controversy? A series of sweatshirts embroidered with the names of several school shootings locations, including Sandy Hook, Columbine, Virginia Tech and Marjory Stoneman Douglas. Each of the sweatshirts features tattered details and distressing that resemble bullet holes.

Why? Who does this? Who buys this?

Listen, I’m about as open as they come where dark or off-color humor is concerned. My friends will tell you I’ve told jokes about many a touchy subject. I mean, to me there is no correlation between feeling empathy for something and your ability to laugh about it. That said, man does this make me cringe. Hey, I don’t know what my line is but I do know this clothing line crossed it. Here are some examples, but be warned. It’s tasteless, callous, stupid and reprehensible.

 

 

And whether that level is upward or downward is entirely up to you. See, Cam wore this ensemble at his post-game presser last night and it set the internet ablaze. Some say he looked like the Queen of England, others say he resembled the wolf disguised as the grandmother in Little Red Riding Hood. He reminded me of Mother Goose but that’s just me. Cam had a terrible game, and afterwards he gave us this gem of a quote: “It’s time for me to look at myself in the mirror.” I agree Cam. I agree.

As of yesterday, San Francisco Giants manager Bruce Bochy had been a major league manager from 1995-2019. His career record? 1995-2019. Mind blown.

I know, I know. Another blog about words. Deal with it. What follows are several examples of weird idiosyncrasies in the English language. Mind blowing stuff, man. Trust me on this one.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Shoal Tent, the inflatable tent that allows you to suffer a grisly death on a river, creek, pond, or lake while camping. Because really kids, isn’t it everyone’s dream to doze off whilst drifting lazily down a river, come upon a sharp-edged rock and awake in a wet blackness as your nylon tent engulfs and entombs you as you sink to your watery grave to be eaten by a Bullhead Catfish?

Seriously, do you just float away in this death-trap or are you anchored to a tree or something? And how do you go to the, you know, bathroom? Can you imagine trying to steer that thing? Imagine stepping from your Floating Tent o’ Death to your canoe or vice versa. What could go wrong? And dude, is this is a Door Dash for bears or what? Yeesh. I can see a couple grizzlies spotting this baby floating downstream and one of them saying, “Oh look. Lunch is here.”

PS- The Shoal Tent us currently on backorder, so if you want to go to sleep on a river and never wake up you’ll need to wait at least six weeks.

PPS- Waterfalls and/or rapids. 

PPPS- This was largely stolen from the website Deadspin.

Over the years I’ve told several stories that involved Jigger. Jigger was my brother-in-law and my principal, but most of all he was my friend. Whether it was going on vacations together, working together, or just hanging out, something interesting was always happening with him. If you don’t believe me, simply type “Jigger” into that search box on the left and hit enter. This site is full of Jigger stories.

For some reason this latest memory popped into my head the other day, and I’ve no idea why. It was the late 80s and Sis, Jigger, Twana and I had decided to take a camping trip through upstate New York.

Were we campers? We were not. Did we have camping gear? Nah. But hey, when Jigger got an idea in his head everyone sort of got swept up in the wave of his personality. It was that strong.

So, we went to K-Mart, bought some cheap gear and set out into the great unknown. The very first night we found a little campground somewhere south of Niagara Falls, parked our cars, set up or cheap little pup tents far away from anyone else, and built a fire. We were good to go.

Or so we thought.

It started around 10:00 that night as we were sitting around in our lawn chairs, having some adult beverages and cooking some hot dogs over the campfire. Somewhere, far in the distance, we heard a strange noise. It was sort of a faint wail, a cry of pain or distress from what sounded like an animal. We listened for a minute and dismissed it as being too far away to be a threat.

We chatted a few more minutes, then Jigger held up his hand to quiet everyone down, cocked his head, and said, “Is that thing getting closer?”

The answer was yes.

As we listened, the noise from the creature was indeed drawing closer and closer.

I guess we all stood up when the thing was maybe 100-yards out, wondering what the hell we were supposed to do. Find a weapon? Climb a tree? Run?

It turned out we didn’t have time for any of those, because before we could act it was upon us. There, bursting out of the woods, was an animal clearly possessed. It was a raccoon, and something was definitely wrong. Maybe it had rabies or something but that beast was crazed, man. It was running awkwardly, snapping its jaws and still screaming like a damn demented forest goblin.

The raccoon did a couple circles around the fire, sometimes on its hind legs, as we all darted around, high-stepping and screaming in panic, looking for somewhere to hide before the freak leaped up, ripped a vein out of one of our necks and killed us.

Then it turned, ran directly through the fire, and disappeared into the woods on the other side.

We all stood there in shock, staring at the smoke, sparks and flames the demon left in its wake as the wailing noises slowly faded into the night.

After a bit of time we started laughing, amazed at what had happened and how we’d reacted to it. And yes, we all decided it might be a good idea to sleep in the cars that night.

Those $12.99 K-Mart pup tents just didn’t seem like a good idea at the time.

PS- The next morning I woke up to the sounds of Jigger frying bacon over the campfire and singing “Rocky Raccoon” by The Beatles, because of course he was. 

Bonus raccoon gif because raccoons are cool.


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