Archive for the ‘WTF?’ Category

The Electric Disco Clam is also known as the Electric Flame Scallop, which incidentally are two of the most fabulous animal names these ears have heard. This awesome clam was given these names because its soft tissues flash light like a goddamned freakin’ disco ball. Nature, just doin’ it up big time per usual. The Electric Disco Clam has the distinction of being the only clam known to man to have light displays. And get this – research has shown that the apparent light display is not a bioluminescence phenomenon but is instead coming from reflection of the sun or diver’s lights. That’s cray-cray man. Anywho, Electric Disco Clam.

Note: If you don’t watch that video down below you have no sense of adventure and are a spineless yellow-bellied sapsucker that’s sure to be doomed to a life of bored detachment.

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So some guy on Reddit said he was pretty sure he saw Vincent Van Gogh on the subway in New York, posted a photo, and I’ll be damned if he wasn’t right. Forget the fact he’d be 165-years old now, that’s Van Gogh alright. Son of a bitch faked his own death and lives on like a boss in the Big Apple. Van Gogh, man.

So this hypothetical question has been rambling along the worldwide interweb the last couple of days, and I must say it begs for insight from my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied. Remember, my people were asked to replace any movie cast with The Muppets and keep one human character. I sent the question around our world headquarters via our group email, and what you’ll find below are some of the results. Oh boy. Let’s just say it took an ugly turn. Enjoy. Or perhaps not. My comments follow the choices.

Ancel Pinsky (Account and Finance) 

Titanic. Keep the Titanic.

Wait. What? Did Ancel understand the question? The Titanic isn’t a character. Good God. On the other hand, Kermit reciting the “I’m the king of the world!” line would be stellar.

Hank Moffit (Quality Control)

Jurassic Park. Keep Jeff Goldblum.

Not bad, Hank. Not bad at all. Dinosaurs eating Muppets has a certain fascination to it. I think. I mean, Camilla the Chicken might be tasty. And there’s Miss Piggy. I’ll stop now. Wait. Do you like frog legs?

Hoss Merkel (Security)

Avengers: Infinity War. Keep Scarlett Johanssen.

Damn it Hoss. Everyone knows about your fixation with Scarlet Johanssen. Hell, you don’t even try and hide it anymore.

Luigia Voltolini (Human Resource Management)

Halloween. Keep the dude who plays Michael Myers. 

Well, that took a dark turn. First velociraptors eating Muppets and now Michael Myers slicing and dicing them? Yikes. Prediction: The Swedish Chef would be the first to go, but not after a vicious knife fight.

Sim Hao Xiang (Legal)

Any Bruce Lee movie. Keep Bruce Lee.

What’s with all the violence regarding the damn Muppets, man?

Mia Lefluer (Graphic Editor)

Star Wars. Keep Darth Vader.

I like it. I think Beaker would make a great Hans Solo.

Molly Simpkins (Copy Editor)

The Shape of Water. Keep the Fish Man.

I don’t even know what’s happening with my staff anymore. The world is a complex, confusing place.

Bobby Limpett (Marketing)

Fight Club. Keep Edward Norton.

Again with the Muppet beatings. Sigh. On the other hand, Animal would be a tough out.

Ariella Levinsky (Fashion Editorial Assistant)

Predator. Keep The Predator.

WHAT THE HOLY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Wait. Sam Eagle might just give The Predator a run for his money.

Fawn Collingwood (Personal Assistant to the CEO)

Forrest Gump. Keep Tom Hanks.

Violent? No. Weird as all hell? Yes. Yes it is. Thanks Fawn?

Parvez Abassi (Tech Services)

Taken. Keep Liam Neeson.

Aaaand we’re back to the murder and mayhem. I really need to reevaluate my hiring practices.

Arnold Poindexter (Runner)

Toy Story. Keep Slinky Dog.

What? Everyone’s a Muppet except Slinky Dog? Why Slinky Dog, Arnold? Why? I’m getting a headache.

Bernie Hogg (Content Strategist)

Any Rocky movie. Keep Sylvester Stallone.

Didn’t take long to get back to the ass whippings did it? Note: Word on the street is that Fozzie Bear can take a punch.

Merle Bodean Herbert (Interaction Designer)

Debbie Does Dallas. Keep Debbie.

Oh for the love of Sweet Baby Jesus. Tell me I didn’t just read that.

Bradley Davenport (Intern)

Deliverance. Keep Ned Beatty.

WHAT THE . . . listen, if you haven’t seen Deliverance don’t watch it after reading this. If you have, please accept my deepest apologies.

I’m out of here.

PS- I’m so sorry.

PPS- I had a Miss Piggy joke to work in on that last one but I just couldn’t pull the trigger.

 

 

 

I have a few observations. First off, stellar camera work here. Beautiful foreshadowing with the closeup of the gator. Secondly, who ziplines over a gator pit? Thirdly, WHO ZIPLINES OVER A GATOR PIT WHILE HOLDING A 3-YEAR OLD KID? Fourthly, I guarantee this was a case of a spoiled kid who demanded to go ziplining over gators and mommy and daddy allowed it because the kid runs the house. Fifthly, people are dumb.

Note: Sixthly, I’m awesome at making up words.

Oh Lord Jesus. From the website Quartzy:

If being well is simply about feeling good in our bodies and using them as they are designed to be used, then there’s an emerging wellness trend that’s worth checking out, a practice that requires neither aspiration nor great motivation: lying on the ground outside. There’s even a name for it. The “earthing” movement believes that “direct physical contact with the vast supply of electrons on the surface of the Earth” results in positive health outcomes, including reducing inflammation, cortisol levels, and improving sleep patterns. 

Yep, you read that right, kids, the newest emerging wellness trend is going outside and lying on the ground. The New Age folks have made a startling discovery this time, lemme tell ya. Who knew that lying on the ground was so good for you? I’ll tell you who knew. Every freaking kid on earth who grew up in the country. We’ve all lounged on the ground, stared at the skies or stars, and felt engulfed by that warm peacefulness. We just didn’t know it was coming from a vast supply of electrons, man.

PS- Sorry, people who grew up in the city. Pretty sure concrete, litter and human urine blocks the electrons. That’s just science.

Trust me, there’s some incredible stuff on here. You can thank me later.

Yes kids, there are folks in 2018 who believe the world is flat, including NBA player Kyrie Irving, noted nutjob Tila Tequila, and some rapper named B.o.B. Anyhoo, the worldwide web has responded accordingly. Enjoy.

[click and scroll]

People, man.

“Move over Rafi, let the kids help!”

JAKARTA, Indonesia (AP) — A 23-foot long python has swallowed a woman in central Indonesia, a village official said Saturday. The victim, 54-year-old Wa Tiba, went missing while checking her vegetable garden near her village on Muna island in Southeast Sulawesi province on Thursday evening, according to the village chief, Faris. On Friday, her family went to look for her at the garden but found only her belongings, including sandals and a flashlight, said Faris, who uses a single name. The family and villagers launched a search for the woman, and found the snake with a bloated belly about 35-yards from where her belongings were found. The villagers killed the snake and carried it to the village. “When they cut open the snake’s belly they found Tiba’s body still intact with all her clothes,” Faris said. “She was swallowed headfirst.”

First off, big thanks Faris for letting us know which end went in first. I guess that is better than the alternative though? Helluva way for Wa Tiba to go in any event, amirite? Getting eaten by a python while checking your garden on Muna Island in Southeast Sulawesi? Yikes. And to think you believe you’re having a bad day because little Bryce doesn’t want to go to Camp Happy Hopes for 2-weeks. Anyway, I guess the moral of the story is that when in Indonesia checking on your veggies, keep your head on a swivel.

PS- How in the hell does a 23-foot long python sneak up on somebody? Slithering quietly like a mofo I guess. Chills, man.

Finally, we can all take a deep breath and relax. Our long national nightmare is over. The nuclear threat from North Korea has been neutralized thanks to the efforts of the Great Negotiator, the American Peacemaker, The National Voice of Reason. Yes ladies and gentlemen, God bless America and God bless Dennis Rodman. Now let’s all sit back and watch Trump try and take the credit.

PS- Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up. Trump is the leader of the free world and Dennis “The Worm” Rodman is at the center of achieving peace with North Korea. America, man.

Apocalypse now in Russellville, Kentucky. Freaky, man.

Well, maybe not killing now but it will eventually. Listen, I love basketball but you have to call this. You have to. What is the rationale for not? I don’t get it. MAKE THE CALL!

 


Note: Try and find the words “Insanely Lacerationy” on the worldwide interweb. You can’t. That’s an example of why this site pulls in 300,000 hits a day. Boom.

So yeah, The Gloucestershire Cheese Rolling Festival has fairly simple rules. Some bloke rolls a cheese wheel down a frighteningly steep incline and a bunch of lunatics run full-speed down the hill chasing the cheese. Your prize for catching the cheese? The cheese. Good times. On a related note, those people are batshit crazy.

PS- There have been nights where I’d do this exact thing for a block of extra sharp cheddar. Not even kidding.

So Carrot Dogs are a thing now, and I believe this may be the beginning of the end of humanity. From the Washington Post:

This plant-based take on hot dogs gives carrots a roasted red pepper treatment: Char (either on the grill or under the broiler) and steam them, and then peel off the skins. They end up nicely cooked and lightly smoke-tinged, making them perfect for a cookout. Choose the largest, thickest carrots you can find; they shrink during cooking, and you can always trim the narrow end to fit the bun. Serve these carrot dogs nestled in buns with the toppings such as vegetarian chili, cheddar, chopped onion, sauerkraut, kimchi, pickles/relish, ketchup and spicy mustard.

Oh for the love of God. I swear I didn’t even know carrots had skins, but the idea of a charred skinless carrot sounds disgusting. And I don’t care how much cheese, chili, and spicy mustard you put on a skinless carrot, it’s still a skinless carrot.

Note: I always have people messaging me telling how wonderful crap like this tastes. Save it. Also, I know regular hot dog ingredients include chicken trimmings and sheep casing. I don’t care. They’re delicious. 

Listen, I’ve seen some unfortunate renderings of famous people before but this one is really bad. Yikes. Who finishes that, steps back, and says, “YES. Perfect!”? I mean really?

PS- I bet that looks exactly like Brandi Chastain’s father.

While perusing the worldwide interweb late last night I stumbled across this little mind-blowing nugget. The pilot episode of a TV series called The Lone Gunmen, broadcast on March 4th, 2001, featured a plot to hijack a plane and fly it into the World Trade Center. That, my friends, is chilling. Watch and try not to feel all freaky and whatnot:

Aaaand, speaking of predictions . . .

So a French family was visiting a wild animal park in Holland and thought it would be a swell idea to hop on out of their car with the kids, set up some lawn chairs and chillax with some 180-pound killing machines that have the ability to run 75 miles per hour. I mean really, what could possibly go wrong? Sadly, they made it back to their car before getting mauled to death.

PS – This video is proof that cursing in English and Dutch is exactly the same. Cool.

Check out the Mangalitsa Pig, man. Dude looks a little sheepish to me. These bros hail from Hungary and are also known as Wooly Pigs or Sheep Pigs, for obvious reasons. They almost went extinct in the early 90s with their population dwindling to out 150, but have since made a comeback. Thank God for that, amirite? The world needs more hairy pigs. Anywho, Mangalitsa Pig.

PS- These porkers are supposedly quite the delicacy in Hungarian foodie circles.

TMZ- Green Bay Packers wide receiver Trevor Davis was arrested at LAX on Sunday morning after cops say he joked about smuggling a bomb into the airport. Law enforcement sources tell us the 24-year-old, a 5th round draft pick out of Cal in 2016, was at the Hawaiian Airlines ticket counter with a female companion to check into a flight when the attendant asked the usual security questions about their luggage.

Instead of playing it straight we’re told Davis turned to the other woman and said, “Did you remember to pack the explosives?” She apparently said, “No” and tried to get him to stop. He then said, “Just kidding”, but it was too late.
We’re told cops were called and Davis was immediately taken into custody for misdemeanor criminal threats.

Listen, everyone knows Trevor Davis was joking. But Holy Mother of God you can’t make a bomb joke at an airport. You just can’t. Not since September 11th, 2001. And Trevor has no excuse. Dude was born in 1994. He was 7 when 9/11 occurred. He’s not like guys like me who can remember the days when you could stroll onto an airplane with a damn machete and nobody would say a word. Trevor, dude. DUDE. Just can’t do it, man. You have to be better than that.

Dude, did you read the book? That’s exactly the point author Mary Shelley was making. Good grief.

So I guess Diamond Dermal Piercing is a popular thing now? How did I miss this? I guess you can have a diamond ring without the actual, you know, ring? Seriously, don’t these people worry about catching their diamond on something and ripping their skin off? I know I would. Also, how does it work? It’s not like a piercing that goes through to the other side. I’m confused. Anywho, who does this? I’m legit curious to hear your thoughts.

Nope.

Rueters: No one loves the Home of Unlimited Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks as much as one Arkansas couple who has decided to name their daughter after Olive Garden. When Justin and Jordan Garton found out that they would be having their first child in December 2017, they knew they wanted to give her a name with “Italian origins,” ABC News reports. After considering and then rejecting the name Olive Garton, they landed on the much more subtle Olivia Garton. Soon after marrying in 2015, the Gartons bought Olive Garden’s famous “never-ending pasta pass” for $100, allowing them to eat unlimited amounts of pasta and guzzle countless soft drinks at their local restaurant for a set period of time. For six to seven weeks, the couple ate there every single day. Because of Justin’s Italian roots and their love of the eatery, when the couple found out they were expecting, they knew they wanted to give their first child an Italian name. For a while, they considered naming her Olive but ultimately decided it would be too much — they feared kids would bully their daughter named after the Italian eatery. When they landed on Olivia, though, they both knew “immediately” that it was the one. In their minds, that’s a less mockable pun. The couple also landed on a middle name, Michelle. Her initials will be OMG.

Hey Justin and Jordan Garton, let me give you some advice. If you don’t want your kid bullied, don’t name her after an Italian restaurant chain. And what will you name your next kid? Redd Lawbster? Crakker Barrell? Buffelow Wildwing? PF Chang? Wait. That last one might actually work.

And OMG for her initials? Nah, that will never get here picked on.

On a related note, I shall now give my Top 5 restaurants you could name your kid after and it would be cool:

  1. Bonefish
  2. Carrabba
  3. Longhorn (boys only)
  4. O’ Charley
  5. Benihana

Thank you and goodnight.

Listen, I’m the last guy who should be poking fun at somebody’s head lettuce. But man, politics aside, WHAT THE HELL US HAPPENING WITH TRUMP’S HAIR? I mean, seriously? Is he bald save for a small patch that he just grows out to comb over everything else? I honestly can’t figure it out. It’s a mystery inside a paradox under a puzzle. Trump, man. He’s never boring.

Sweet Jesus look at that Tree Stump Spider, man. Dude is definitely the spawn of Satan or something. Just horrific like you read about. And not to terrify you more or anything, but this bad boy can jump remarkable distances. Chilling. They also “move in a jerky gait” which somehow makes them even more scary. Anywho, Tree Stump Spider.

What you see here my friends, is the Lungfish. There’s nothing really extraordinary about the Lungfish other than it can stay alive in the dirt for 5-freaking years. Yes, I said it. The Lungfish knows the river is gonna go dry, so it digs down in the mud and buries itself in a cocoon of sorts. Then this little bro comes digging out when the rains return like a damn miracle fish. I beseech you, no, I order you, to watch the videos below. Then, just be amazed. Anywho, Lungfish.