Archive for the ‘WTF?’ Category

If you live literally anywhere but in a major city the video below will be laugh-out-loud funny. A cow got loose in the Big Apple and the locals acted like an alien dropped down from Uranus. It’s funny because New Yorkers act like midwesterners are gullible, innocent hicks yet there they are, giggling, taking photos and acting like school children at the sight of a regular farm animal. Too funny, man. City people are hilarious.

PS- Uranus jokes simply never get old, amirite?

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People Magazine: Mugsy the dog still lives in Severna Park, Md. Given the eerie events claimed by his owners, it’s surprising that Mugsy lives anywhere at all. On Oct. 27, they say, the 4-year-old Jack Russell terrier went to that cold, dread place that Edgar Allan Poe and Stephen King have written about—and he has lived to wag the tail.

Mugsy’s brush with the beyond began about 3 P.M., when he was hit by a car outside Viola Tiszl’s house, where her boyfriend, Glenn Maloney, was taking care of their two children. “I picked Mugsy up,” says Maloney, 30, a restaurant worker, “but he died in my arms.”

Maloney told the children—Megan, 5, and Kevin, 3—to stay in the house. He carried the body to a corner of the wooded lot, dug a hole he estimates was three feet deep and buried him. “I know a dead dog when I see one,” says Maloney. “This one was real dead. He was not breathing. He had no heartbeat.”

Later that evening, after Viola got home from her job at a cable TV company, they took the children—including Raymond, 8, Viola’s son by her ex-husband—to view the grave. Megan said a prayer. They planned to put a wooden cross on the spot next morning. At 5:30 A.M., 14 hours after Mugsy’s interment, Glenn and Viola were awakened by scratching at the door. Glenn went to the door. “I couldn’t believe it,” he says. What he saw was the not-so-late Mugsy, with his “little tail wagging at 90 mph.”

“Mugsy was covered with dirt,” says Viola, 27, “and his eyes were bloodshot.” Incredibly, he seemed quite chipper otherwise. For a few days after the night of the living dog, Zeus, Viola’s German shepherd, gave Mugsy a wide berth. As for Mugsy himself, he is back chasing squirrels, digging for moles and eating the brains of small children who wander into his yard.

OK, I made that last part about brains up. Not gonna lie.

Anyway, wow. Just wow. That’s some Stephen King shit right there. I believe I’d have kept a close eye on old Mugsy for a couple days. Zeus the German Shepherd knew what was up. He sensed there might a little zombie action going on. “Kept a wide berth” indeed.

And hey, that Glenn Maloney sure has some nerve, right? “I know a dead dog when I see one.” Uh, Glen? No, you don’t. You don’t know a dead dog when you see one. You know, because that wasn’t a dead dog you saw. Bottom line, dogs? Don’t fall asleep around Glen. You might wake up buried 3-feet deep in the corner of a wooded lot.

And is anyone surprised the dog that came back to life was a Jack Russell? Little dudes are badass. My Sparky has whipped a coyote and brought a Doberman to its knees once. Being buried alive is like a walk in the park to those guys.

PS – What are the odds Glenn Maloney resented Mugsy’s awesomeness and used the accident as an excuse to get rid of him? If so, the dude had no idea who he was dealing with. Jacks, man. Takes more than being buried alive to kill them. Tough as nails.

New research shows pressure beneath Yellowstone could build much quicker than previously thought, and such an eruption could make Earth uninhabitable. Research presented by the Arizona State University at a recent meeting in Oregon goes against previous findings which that it could take thousands of years to build up. Scientists say it could happen within tens of years after a study analyzing crystals in volcanic rocks found in the area.
As the crystals grew, they were increasingly prone to being influenced by their surroundings, such as pressure, heat and water content.

Lead researcher Hannah Shamloo of Arizona State University told the New York Times: “It’s shocking how little time is required to take a volcanic system from being quiet and sitting there to the edge of an eruption.

The usually peaceful volcano has now experienced some 2,750 tremors since June 12th which could indicate that it is ready to burst back into life.

This is the second most active swarm of quakes since records began.

If the volcano were to erupt it would kill an estimated 87,000 people immediately and make two-thirds of the USA immediately uninhabitable.
The large spew of ash into the atmosphere would block out sunlight and directly affect life beneath it creating a “nuclear winter.”

Hey-O!  Saving up for little Hunter’s college fund? Screw that. Spend that dough while you can, folks, because well, this winter could be a bad one. A Nuclear Winter you might call it. Seriously man, a large spew of ash blocking out the sun just sucks. Pretty much what happened to the dinosaurs with that little meteor incident thingy. Turned out bad for them. And isn’t it wild that the Supervolcano is in Yellowstone National Park? Hell, that’s where Yogi Bear and Boo Boo live. Supervolcanos are supposed to be in Siberia or somewhere.

Fun Fact: The volcano system under Yellowstone has enough lava to fill 11 Grand Canyons. Sweet Mother of God. 

Lake Natron is located in Tanzania, and it’s one of the most unique bodies of water in the world. The water within it has an extremely high soda and salt content, so high that almost nothing can live in it. Blood-red from the bacteria that live in it, the salt lake is steaming hot, with temperatures that can reach up to 140º Fahrenheit.

The soda and salt causes creatures that enter its water to calcify, perfectly preserved, as they dry. They’re so hard they’re almost like rock. No one knows for certain exactly how the animals die, but it appears that the extreme reflective nature of the lake’s surface confuses them, causing them to crash into the lake.

Below are photos of animals photographer Nick Brandt found along the shores of the lake. Although he reposed them, the bodies are exactly the way he found them. Amazing, ghostly stuff.

[click to enlarge]

Washington Post: Mammalogist Tyrone Lavery has learned of a giant rat known to locals as Vika that lives in the trees, is a foot-and-a-half long, and has teeth so sharp it can punch through a coconut. Yes, the Vika is very real.

Its scale-covered tail, great jaws and a few rare photos were revealed Wednesday in the Journal of Mammalogy.

Uromys Vika is the first rodent species to be discovered in the Solomon Islands in nearly a century, at the end of Lavery’s long search.

He was first drawn to this chain of hundreds of islands in 2010, as he researched mammals at the University of Queensland. Far off the coast of Australia, the Solomons are renowned for elusive, unique species that evolve in near isolation from the rest of the planet — like the Guadalcanal monkey-faced bat.

The PhD student was sitting around a fire with village elders on the island of Vangunu, in the thick-forested caldera of an ancient volcano. As rice and sweet potato cooked in the flames, Lavery recalled, he asked the elders what things he might find in the forests.

“They told me about this giant rat they called Vika,” he said. They said Vika lived in the trees, was a bit smaller than a possum, and was so strong it could chew through thick-shelled Ngali nuts.

And then one day in late 2015, back in Australia, he got a phone call from the island. Loggers in a camp outside the village had felled a Kapuchu tree — particularly prized for its wood. After the tree hit the ground, something big and brown came scampering out of it. The loggers knew an Australian scientist had been searching for Vika for years, and word of the animal spread through the village.

Two friends of Lavery — John Vendi and Hikuna Judge — managed to catch the animal.

It looked like an adolescent, and it had lost part of its tail in the fall or subsequent capture. Still, it was estimated to be a foot-and-a-half long, and might grow to weigh more than two pounds — four times larger than your average garbage rat.

Well, sweet Jesus. This is all we need, right? Monster possum-sized rats that live in the freaking trees? That’s just horrifying. But hey, they can only bite through coconut shells and thick-shelled Ngali nuts, so nothing to worry about.

PS- That Guadalcanal Monkey-Faced Bat is downright petrifying, huh? Looks like someone experimented with a Chihuahua and a Fruit Bat.

California – Controversy erupts at Vista Del Lago High School in Folsom over students chanting “USA.”

It’s a popular way to for students to show pride during sporting events and rallies, but school and district officials are now warning students that the chants could appear inappropriate and intolerant. The chants are now causing chatter campus-wide after school staff brought up the topic to a leadership class.

The school’s principal told students and parents that sometimes “We can communicate an unintended message.” She also said USA chanting is welcome, but it may be best to do it at what she says are appropriate times, like following the national anthem or the Pledge of Allegiance.

The district says there has never been a complaint about USA chants at the high school. Students say there’s likely to be a lot of chanting at this Friday’s football game, where the theme is USA pride.

Well for the love of all that is holy and good WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? We can’t be proud of out country? And who in the world is a USA chant going to offend? The three foreign exchange students from North Korea? The ISIS guy hiding under the bleachers? I’d say no to both because they’re not at the game and if they were we should do it anyway because WE’RE IN THE USA! Sweet Mother of God.

PS- The first person who blames this on wimpy liberals is going to get punched in the throat by this non-wimpy liberal.

So some fans hung this banner at the Boston game tonight, and the internet is abuzz with confusion about what it means. I assumed it was racist at first, but many people are saying it’s anti-racism. However you put it it’s confusing as hell. What do you think?

Update! The people responsible for the banner have released a statement:

“We want to remind everyone that just as baseball is fundamental to American culture and history, so too is racism,” the group said in a written statement. “White people need to wake up to this reality before white supremacy can truly be dismantled. We urge anyone who is interested in learning more or taking action to contact their local racial justice organization.”

Pretty sure he was saying to get the hell out of there.

This little beauty is also known as a Tongue Eating Louse, which is disgusting as all holy hell. What happens is this little demonic parasite enters fish through the gills and attaches itself to the fish’s tongue. It severs the blood vessels in the fish’s tongue, causing the tongue to fall off. It then attaches itself to the stub of what was once its tongue and becomes the fish’s new tongue, and I want to throw up right now. I swear to God I can think of few things more repulsive than this little beast. Nature, man. Anyhoo, Cymothoa Exigua.

Yes,, it’s inside a fish’s mouth. Ewww.

Good God almighty.

 

Also known has the Hawk Moth Caterpillar, this little dude scares off predators by transforming his appearance into that of a damn freakin’ snake. That’s diabolical. He does this by pulling in his legs and expanding his rear-end, at which point the predators run like hell. Incidentally, that was a talent of a chick I knew in college. Anyway, the snake’s head is actually the caterpillar’s tail. Nature, man. Anyhoo, Snakehead Caterpillar.

Aliens Among Us

Posted: September 5, 2017 in Humor, The Supernatural, The Unknown, WTF?
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We all know at least one person like this. Every one of us. It’s that person at work or school, maybe the guy who lives around the corner or works at the bank, maybe it’s the mother of one of your kid’s friends you see at basketball games. Not to get too personal, but perhaps it’s my boss from 10-years ago.

It’s that person that, when you try to communicate with them, you get nothing. No connection. When you talk they stare at you with black, soulless eyes and a face that doesn’t seem to understand a word you’re saying. Sometimes their responses don’t match what you just said to them. For whatever reason, the communication between you is just a little . . . off.

You’re all thinking of someone you know right now, aren’t you?  Yeah, that guy.

Here’s my hypothesis regarding this phenomenon – these people are aliens. They’ve come here clandestinely and taken over certain human bodies at a young age, and although they’ve been trained to be humans, they just can’t quite pull it off. They’re close, but they’re j-u-s-t a tick off.

Now you’re really thinking of somebody you know, aren’t you? They’re aliens, man. Sorta like in Men in Black.

Here’s what’s going to happen. When the Alien Mothership arrives, these are the people who are going to walk down the line of humans and point out those of us who will be taken aboard the Mothership and away to our eventual slaughter.

Sorry kids. You didn’t really think this was going to have a happy ending, did you?

PS- Before I get a nasty message from an idiot over in England (seems like I get a lot of those from England) or somewhere, I’m kidding.

PPS- Sort of.

PPPS- Belgians love me. So there.

So I guess the Texas State football team went through some media training the other day, where they were taught some important core values. This is great because, you know, a lot of kids aren’t taught the basics of life at home. Ladies and gentlemen, here are those core values:

Sweet God almighty that pains me to read it. Seriously, we have to tell college kids that these are core values? What, did they forget “no killing”? Honestly, it amazes me that we have to explain to men between the ages of 18-22 that these behaviors aren’t acceptable. Hell, I coach kids from 14-17 and I don’t have to point this out to them. I mean, are there actually guys sitting there that are saying to themselves, “Ah, be honest, don’t hit women, no drugs, stealing or weapons. Now there’s a good idea.”

The mind reels, man.

If you haven’t heard this story it’s a must-read. It really makes you ask a lot of questions, trust me. Read on . . .

Unlike most identical twins, Jim Springer and Jim Lewis share a first name instead of a last. You see, the two were separated at birth and were adopted by separate families who, by coincidence, named their sons James.

And so began their parallel lives. Springer and Lewis shared not only a first name, but amazing as it may sound they shared more or less the same life, independent of one another, until their reunion 39-years after the initial separation.

Growing up in different homes, both were aware that they had a twin brother. Springer’s mother told him his twin had died, while Lewis had been told of his sibling but simply wasn’t interested in meeting him.

In 1977, that changed. It happened when Lewis, then 37, decided to track down his brother. He found Springer’s name through a local courthouse, and eventually the two of them spoke over the phone. They agreed to meet, and they did on February 9th, 1979.

Once they got to talking, they were stunned to learn about the unbelievable, shocking similarities between them. Believe it or not, the following is true . . .

  • Both were adopted by families living in Ohio and grew up within only 45-miles of each other.
  • Both had childhood dogs they named “Toy.”
  • Both were married twice — first to women named Linda, and then to women named Betty.
  • Both had children — including sons named James Allen.
  • Both lived in the only house on their block.
  • Both were chain-smokers, enjoyed beer, and had woodworking shops in their garages.
  • Both drove Chevrolets.
  • Both served as sheriffs in their separate Ohio counties.

The Jim twins, as they’re now called, were perfect candidates for behavioral research. They were tested, and in one test measuring personality, the twins’ scores were so close that it may well have been the same person taking the test both times. Their brain-wave tests were similarly near-identical, as were their medical histories.

Unbelievable really.

It’s hard to believe that two men, growing up separately, could end up so very much alike. Thoughts anyone?

A fisherman was horrified to return to his car to find a swarm of millions of mosquitoes “having a party” inside. The revolting footage shows the Russian man’s car completely full with the blood-sucking insects.  He had regrettably left the window open when he and friends went on a fishing trip. 

It is likely that the mosquitoes decided to commandeer the vehicle because they are attracted to the carbon dioxide exhaled by humans, and with the windows left wide open, the scent of a potential meal evidently proved to much of a temptation for millions of the insects.

Big animal guy here but dang THAT’S A MILLION MOSQUITOES MAN! Doesn’t this signify the end of times or something? Or is that locusts? You pretty much have to set that car on fire at this point, amirite? Mosquitoes for days in there. There’s something really disgusting about writhing piles of those bugs. Yikes. Guess we should keep our car windows up at night in the summer?

Yep. Sam Kanizay’s legs.

Newsweek – Mysterious sea creatures that began eating a teenager’s legs in Australia were identified as “Sea Fleas” on Monday. The incident occurred near Melbourne on Saturday, when 16-year-old Sam Kanizay emerged from an evening dip in the ocean with his legs and feet covered in blood, the result of the considerable appetite of the flesh-eating tiny creatures. Unable to walk, the teenager was brought to a hospital suffering from “pin-sized holes” that were bleeding profusely.

At first, experts were left scratching their heads as to what the meat-loving animals these were. Then Kanizay’s father went back to the beach with a net full of meaty bait to attract the creatures, then filmed them. Thanks to his video, experts were able to confidently identify the creatures as Lysianassid Amphipods, a type of scavenger shrimp-like crustacean commonly known as “Sea Fleas.”

Hey, I’ve had a tough day today. Sparky hopped into my new car with muddy paws and I had to come back all the way back in the house to get a towel, then go all the way back out and wipe the seat and his paws off. I also have a blister on the little toe on my right foot from when I was working out because I forgot my socks. Anyway, I’m struggling with these burdens today. Somehow, I persevere, and reading this article made me feel a little better because, you know, at least I didn’t get my legs eaten by Sea Fleas.

Note: I guarantee every man who read this was thinking the exact same thing I was – thank God the Sea Fleas didn’t attack higher. Chills, man.

Note 2: Originally I was going to make fun of this kid for being a wuss, I really was. Come on, he couldn’t walk? Please. And then I saw this:

I wrote the blog below a few short days ago. Sadly, Anthony “Mooch” Scaramucci has been canned after 11-days on the job. Damn, this is a bummer for the blogging community. Mooch held so much promise, so many possibilities of blogs to come. Alas, he has been shit-canned. Rest in peace, Mooch. Rest in peace. On a related note, great to see the Trump administration is rolling along smoothly. Good Lord.

Wow. Just when I thought the Trump White House couldn’t get any wilder they get rid of Sean Spicer, who was an endless source of entertainment, and bring in Anthony Scaramucci, who is an absolute maniac. I mean, listening to this cat is like sitting by a longshoreman in Barnacle Billy’s on the Maine shoreline. This dude is outrageous, just speaking for the President of the United State’s like he don’t give a damn ’bout nuthin’. Check this out, from an interview with The New Yorker:

On White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus:

Reince Priebus — if you want to leak something — he’ll be asked to resign very shortly. Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac.”

Then, imitating Priebus:

Oh, Bill Shine is coming in. Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months.”

UPDATE: Trump just fired Priebus  The circus continues

On White House chief adviser Steve Bannon:

“I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock. I’m not trying to build my own brand off the fucking strength of the president. I’m here to serve the country.”

On talking about leaks (to a woman he knows is British:

If you’re an American citizen, they are a major catastrophe for the country. So I’m asking you as an American patriot to give me a sense of who leaked it. I’m going to fire every one of them, and then you haven’t protected anybody, so the entire place will be fired over the next two weeks. I fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people I’ll fire tomorrow. I’ll get to the person who leaked that to you.”

On killing leakers:

What I want to do is I want to fucking kill all the leakers and I want to get the President’s agenda on track so we can succeed for the American people.”

Man, even for Trump’s administration that’s strong stuff. It’s hard to fathom this guy is the actual White House Spokesman. Of course, you know the Trumpians will gobble it up. “He’s speaking like us! He’s a regular guy!” He doesn’t talk like a politician!” Well, they got that last one right. Yeesh.

I didn’t think I could be surprised anymore, but damn if The Donald didn’t do it.

PS – That guy who lives in the trailer on Upper Twin Road with “TRUMP” up in Christmas lights beside his Confederate Flag is gonna love Anthony Scaramucci , man.

So a friend of mine from the Eastern Seaboard told me an amazing story recently about an amusement park in New Jersey that was open from 1978 to 1996. It was called Action Park, and to say this place was dangerous would be an understatement of the highest order. 6-people died at the park in 18-years, and average of 1 every 3 years, and the injuries were in the hundreds if not thousands.

The park is legendary amongst Jersey folk, and people like my friend are proud to say they survived it. In researching the park I came across this quote from a man who attended as a kid:

It was almost like our Vietnam. It was like another step in the quest to manhood. Guys would come back and they’d just have these stories of terror. One kid I knew had a broken ankle — he was on a ride that caught on fire and he had to jump off.”

Good God.

This hellhole was also known as, among other things, “Traction Park” “Accident Park” and “Class Action Park,” and you’ll soon see why. What follows are real stories and tidbits regarding the Death Trap known as Action Park:

In 1979 Action Park opened one of the first wave pools in the country. On its first day open it was estimated over 100 swimmers had to be rescued from the wave pool. Park officials attributed this to a lack of experience in the pool by park goers, because of course they did. A staff of 12 Red Cross certified lifeguards were on duty at all times, and numbers as high as 30 saves per lifeguard per day were recorded. Tragically there were 3 confirmed deaths in the wave pool.

In 1985 the park opened a slide called The Cannonball Loop. Take a look at this monster:

Kid looked like he was going about 80-mph.

 

Remember that this is a slippery slide, not a coaster. Kids went through this without safety gear. Sweet Jesus that looks dangerous. Also fun. And get this – during testing of the Cannonball Loop dummies were sent down and they were decapitated. The attraction was adjusted until the dummies came through with heads intact and then park employees were offered $100 to test it out themselves. Thankfully, no one died on this monstrosity but some people did become stuck. Before it was finally closed for good a trap door was installed into the loop to retrieve riders that became stuck in the top of the loop. The first summer it opened it had 110 reported injuries, including 30-fractures and 45-head injuries. Good times!

At one point they opened up a skate park in Action Park. It was open for only one summer season before they deemed it too dangerous and it was shut down. They were so scared that people would use it after hours that they plowed over it with dirt and set up a picnic area on top of it. Dangerous indeed.

The infamous Cliff Dive was very cold, and also very deep. Legend has it that the bottom of the 40-foot pool had to be repainted white one summer because lifeguards were unable to see drowning swimmers against the black floor. Insanity, man. Check it out:

It’s a fact that 911 calls were so frequent at Action Park (an estimated 5-10 trips per day) that the owner of the park purchased additional ambulances for the township of Vernon, NJ. Hey, that’s a civic-minded man right there.

Shockingly but not really, Action Park had some difficulty in retaining their insurers. Since they could not legally operate without insurance they set up their own fake company in the Cayman Islands. Owner Eugene Mulvihill pleaded guilty to setting up the company, copped a plea, got 3-years probation, and paid $300,000 in fines. He was supposed to sell the resort but, incredibly, he never did.

One of the biggest problems at Action Park was its employees. Legally you needed to be 16-years old to operate a ride in New Jersey, which already seems a tad young. However, Action Park had many employees as young as 14-years old. That’s not the most amazing fact I read though – it seems it was not uncommon for operators of all ages to be on duty with cans of beer in their hands. What could possibly go wrong, man?

Employees would often use park attractions after hours, and believe it or not they didn’t always operate them properly. One thing they would do was shove tennis balls into the speed governors of the cars at their Motorworld Speedway, a section of Action Park. The governors were designed to limit the speed of the vehicle to 20-mph, but after the tampering they could reach speeds as high as 50-mph. Of course, sometimes they’d forget (or not) and leave the tennis balls in, then sit back and watch the hilarity that ensued as an 8-year old kid drove a miniature car 50-mph around a little track. Oh, and by the way, without a helmet.

Helmets schmelmets.

One of the parks biggest and most dangerous attractions was the notorious Alpine Slide. The slide was a sloped and swerving cart ride. The track was built out of fiber glass, and riders would roll down in flimsy carts with no protection, using a defective handbrake as their only means of control. Riders would often get scrapes and burns on the fiberglass. In fact, friction burns were so common that paramedics would be waiting at the bottom of the slide. And burns were not the only danger – despite the crack team of underage and possibly drunk park employees manning the ride, slow riders were often in danger of being rammed from behind by the next set of riders. Unsurprisingly, Action Park’s first recorded death occurred when an after hours park employee flew off of the Alpine Slide and hit his head on a rock, killing him instantly.

Weee! Uh-oh.

One of the reasons Action Park stayed open was because they actually had an on-site infirmary. Unless you had a broken bone you wouldn’t go to the hospital and your injuries wouldn’t be reported. That’s either ingenious or insane, but probably a combination of both.

Here’s a good tidbit. In 1982, owner Mulvihill told a New Jersey newspaper that his park is “gonna be better than Disney World!” That same year a 15-year-old drowned in the Wave Pool and a week later a 27-year-old was electrocuted on a ride called the Kayak Experience. True story.

What can I say, man? We were tougher back then I guess? Seriously, I talk about the Wussification of America more than anyone but Good God this place was wild, insane and all sorts of crazy.

In other words, just the kind of place my friends and I would’ve loved.

At first glance, pinstripes. At second glance . . .

Cleopatra lived closer in time to the moon landing than the construction of the pyramids.

 

You realize Joey Chestnut is the hotdog eating champion, right? RIGHT? What’s next, comparing Tom Brady to the Rock Paper Scissors champion? Good God. ESPN is a joke.

At the time the pyramids were built, woolly mammoths were still walking the earth. The last of the wooly mammoth died out around 1700 B.C. on Russia’s Wrangel Island. In Egypt, the Pyramids of Giza were built around 4,000 years ago, although there have been claims that they’re even older. This also means that Cleopatra’s time on Earth is actually closer to us in history than to the construction of the pyramids. Mind? Blown.

 

Same.

Sometimes people just want to change because they believe change is good. Or perhaps, in this case, they want to sell more college sports hats and sweatshirts and whatnot. Anywho, UNLV, who heretofore had a perfectly good logo, decided to commission a new one. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Here’s the old logo:

Pretty straightforward, amirite? Nice bold letters and a bro with a hat and really big mustache underneath. They’ve replaced that logo with this. Behold, the new logo:

I swear to God I had to look at that for 10-minutes before I saw the guy with the mustache. And once I saw it I could’ve sworn his ear was exploding. And is his chin on a pillow? Or a bobsled? Oh, and a lot of people are saying they see a space frog. I’m so confused. Change? Not necessarily good.

This is gold, Jerry. GOLD. But here’s what I don’t get about Donnie. He won. He’s the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Why in God’s name would he sit in the White House tweeting to morning talk show hosts about the time he turned them down at a New Year’s Eve party?  How in the world can he be that thin-skinned and petty? Just blows my mind. On the other hand, damn it’s entertaining. Keep being you, President Trump. Keep being you.

So Markelle Fultz was drafted in the #1 spot last night by the Philadelphia 76ers, and all the talking heads were blathering on about the fact that his college team, the Washington Huskies, only won 9-games last year. Sure, that’s a concern, but nobody mentioned the other elephant in the room – Markelle Fultz wears two watches. Man, that’s such an outrageous move I’m not sure what to think. Who needs two watches? That’s just insane, man. Makes me question his judgement and, dare I say, his intelligence. Take a gander.

Makes no sense on any level. However, he redeemed himself somewhat with these sweet shoes that are made from, wait for it . . . basketballs. Atta boy Markelle.