Archive for the ‘WTF?’ Category

NASA’s InSight Lander has recorded the first ever ‘Mars Quake’ back in April. Roughly six months later, NASA recorded more ‘peculiar sounds’ on the distant planet.

In an Oct. 1 blog post, NASA said that the lander’s seismometer, known as the Seismic Experiment for Interior Structure (SEIS), is able to pick up subtle noises, including a breeze, as well as more Mars quakes.

It [Mars quake] had a surprisingly high-frequency seismic signal compared to what the science team has heard since then,” NASA wrote in the post. “Out of more than 100 events detected to date, about 21 are strongly considered to be quakes. The remainder could be quakes as well, but the science team hasn’t ruled out other causes.”

First, listen to the audio/video. My comments are below.

So the science team hasn’t ruled out “other causes?” First off, let me begin by saying this:  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! Are you serious NASA? Those sounds are dinks caused by friction? Wind gusts? Suuuuure they are. I’m telling you right now, if those sounds aren’t aliens screwing around with the Mars InSight Lander I’m Marvin the Martian from Bugs Bunny. Hell, I’m pretty sure they were sending us a message in Morse Code at one point, then followed it up with an alien groaning into the mic just to shove it in our faces. Bottom line we’re going to be invaded and ultimately eaten by aliens. End of story. Thank you and goodnight.

Marvin.

SCMP- In a farm deep in the southern region of China lives a very big pig that’s as heavy as a polar bear.

The 1,102 pound animal is part of a herd that’s being bred to become giant swine. At slaughter, some of the pigs can sell for more than 10,000 yuan ($1,399.00), over three times higher than the average monthly disposable income in Nanning, the capital of Guangxi province where Pang Cong, the farm’s owner, lives.

While Pang’s pigs may be an extreme example of the lengths farmers are going to fill China’s swelling pork shortage problem, the idea that bigger is better has been spreading across the country, home to the world’s most voracious consumers of the meat.

Aaaand here we go again, messing around with genetics and whatnot. Seriously, what is it with people, building robots that act like humans, breeding giant animals, and otherwise tempting fate? Do we really need 1/2 ton porkers? Can’t we just breed more regular sized pigs? I don’t get it, man. We’re just asking for trouble. These beasts tried to eat Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, people! Imagine if a bunch of those things turned on us, like they inevitably will. Horrifying thought, really.

PS- I came up with a pretty solid “swelling pork problem” line but I couldn’t pull the trigger.

PPS- Sparky would go for the throat and take one of those things down in a heartbeat. Bacon for years.

Man, that was an awkward headline. Sorry. Anywho . . .

(BBC) –  A man who was gored by a bison in June took a date back to the same place – only for her also to be attacked.

Kyler Bourgeous brought Kayleigh Davis to the same trail at a state park in Utah with plans to watch the sunset. But when Ms. Davis ran a little ahead, she ended up alone with a bison who charged and flipped her into the air.

“I looked over my shoulder, seeing it get closer – and I looked again and it was pretty much right behind me. Right as I saw it, I flew up in the air about 15-feet,” Ms. Davis says.

She landed on her back and lay completely still – remembering what happened to Mr. Bourgeous – as the bison sniffed at her until he eventually left her alone.

Whew. Where to start. First of all, what are the chances this guy is tired of his girlfriend and wanted to end things for good? He takes her for the exact same spot and says, “Hey honey, you go on ahead. I’ll be along shortly.” Then boom, the bison does his thing like Kyler Bourgeous knew he would and Kyler is free as a bird.

Secondly, if it wasn’t a diabolical plan how stupid is this moron? His girlfriend wants to go on a date to watch the sunset and he says, “Great! I know the perfect romantic location! Let’s go to that place where I was gored by a bison!” It’ll be great!”

Finally, what are the percentages this bison heard that couple talking and attacked them because their names were Kyler and Kayleigh? I say 89%.

Good God.

Whew. Finally! I was wondering when someone was going to open the Flower of Life and find the Real Wave Conjugations. Thank God Terrance figured this all out because I was just talking to Sparky the other day about these very subjects. Terrance has really eased my mind. Can’t wait for his YouTube video.

PS- And everyone knows gravity isn’t real. Jordan proved that 30-years ago.

PPS- What the hell?

Today – Streetwear brand Bstroy is facing backlash after debuting their latest clothing collection.

The New York-based brand unveiled its spring 2020 collection at a fashion show earlier this week, and many Instagram users are calling some of the designs “disgusting” and “tasteless” in response. The garments at the center of the controversy? A series of sweatshirts embroidered with the names of several school shootings locations, including Sandy Hook, Columbine, Virginia Tech and Marjory Stoneman Douglas. Each of the sweatshirts features tattered details and distressing that resemble bullet holes.

Why? Who does this? Who buys this?

Listen, I’m about as open as they come where dark or off-color humor is concerned. My friends will tell you I’ve told jokes about many a touchy subject. I mean, to me there is no correlation between feeling empathy for something and your ability to laugh about it. That said, man does this make me cringe. Hey, I don’t know what my line is but I do know this clothing line crossed it. Here are some examples, but be warned. It’s tasteless, callous, stupid and reprehensible.

 

 

And whether that level is upward or downward is entirely up to you. See, Cam wore this ensemble at his post-game presser last night and it set the internet ablaze. Some say he looked like the Queen of England, others say he resembled the wolf disguised as the grandmother in Little Red Riding Hood. He reminded me of Mother Goose but that’s just me. Cam had a terrible game, and afterwards he gave us this gem of a quote: “It’s time for me to look at myself in the mirror.” I agree Cam. I agree.

As of yesterday, San Francisco Giants manager Bruce Bochy had been a major league manager from 1995-2019. His career record? 1995-2019. Mind blown.

I know, I know. Another blog about words. Deal with it. What follows are several examples of weird idiosyncrasies in the English language. Mind blowing stuff, man. Trust me on this one.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Shoal Tent, the inflatable tent that allows you to suffer a grisly death on a river, creek, pond, or lake while camping. Because really kids, isn’t it everyone’s dream to doze off whilst drifting lazily down a river, come upon a sharp-edged rock and awake in a wet blackness as your nylon tent engulfs and entombs you as you sink to your watery grave to be eaten by a Bullhead Catfish?

Seriously, do you just float away in this death-trap or are you anchored to a tree or something? And how do you go to the, you know, bathroom? Can you imagine trying to steer that thing? Imagine stepping from your Floating Tent o’ Death to your canoe or vice versa. What could go wrong? And dude, is this is a Door Dash for bears or what? Yeesh. I can see a couple grizzlies spotting this baby floating downstream and one of them saying, “Oh look. Lunch is here.”

PS- The Shoal Tent us currently on backorder, so if you want to go to sleep on a river and never wake up you’ll need to wait at least six weeks.

PPS- Waterfalls and/or rapids. 

PPPS- This was largely stolen from the website Deadspin.

Over the years I’ve told several stories that involved Jigger. Jigger was my brother-in-law and my principal, but most of all he was my friend. Whether it was going on vacations together, working together, or just hanging out, something interesting was always happening with him. If you don’t believe me, simply type “Jigger” into that search box on the left and hit enter. This site is full of Jigger stories.

For some reason this latest memory popped into my head the other day, and I’ve no idea why. It was the late 80s and Sis, Jigger, Twana and I had decided to take a camping trip through upstate New York.

Were we campers? We were not. Did we have camping gear? Nah. But hey, when Jigger got an idea in his head everyone sort of got swept up in the wave of his personality. It was that strong.

So, we went to K-Mart, bought some cheap gear and set out into the great unknown. The very first night we found a little campground somewhere south of Niagara Falls, parked our cars, set up or cheap little pup tents far away from anyone else, and built a fire. We were good to go.

Or so we thought.

It started around 10:00 that night as we were sitting around in our lawn chairs, having some adult beverages and cooking some hot dogs over the campfire. Somewhere, far in the distance, we heard a strange noise. It was sort of a faint wail, a cry of pain or distress from what sounded like an animal. We listened for a minute and dismissed it as being too far away to be a threat.

We chatted a few more minutes, then Jigger held up his hand to quiet everyone down, cocked his head, and said, “Is that thing getting closer?”

The answer was yes.

As we listened, the noise from the creature was indeed drawing closer and closer.

I guess we all stood up when the thing was maybe 100-yards out, wondering what the hell we were supposed to do. Find a weapon? Climb a tree? Run?

It turned out we didn’t have time for any of those, because before we could act it was upon us. There, bursting out of the woods, was an animal clearly possessed. It was a raccoon, and something was definitely wrong. Maybe it had rabies or something but that beast was crazed, man. It was running awkwardly, snapping its jaws and still screaming like a damn demented forest goblin.

The raccoon did a couple circles around the fire, sometimes on its hind legs, as we all darted around, high-stepping and screaming in panic, looking for somewhere to hide before the freak leaped up, ripped a vein out of one of our necks and killed us.

Then it turned, ran directly through the fire, and disappeared into the woods on the other side.

We all stood there in shock, staring at the smoke, sparks and flames the demon left in its wake as the wailing noises slowly faded into the night.

After a bit of time we started laughing, amazed at what had happened and how we’d reacted to it. And yes, we all decided it might be a good idea to sleep in the cars that night.

Those $12.99 K-Mart pup tents just didn’t seem like a good idea at the time.

PS- The next morning I woke up to the sounds of Jigger frying bacon over the campfire and singing “Rocky Raccoon” by The Beatles, because of course he was. 

Bonus raccoon gif because raccoons are cool.

No? Huh.

Norwegians are nuts, man.

So Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is dealing with the holdout of running back Zeke Elliott and the contract demands of Dak Prescott and Amari Cooper. Here’s what Jones said regarding his players:

Anyone care to interpret that for me?

 

A gang leader in Brazil failed in a bid to escape jail disguised as his 19-year-old daughter.

Officials released photos showing Clauvino da Silva wearing a silicone mask, a long wig, glasses, jeans, and a pink T-shirt with donuts on it after being caught out. His escape attempt was thwarted when prison guards saw him acting nervously, the Associated Press reported.

In a video also released by Rio de Janeiro’s state secretary of prison administration, da Silva takes off the disguise and some of the clothes before saying his real name. The 42-year-old, also known as Baixinho, or “Shorty,” is serving a 73-year sentence for drug trafficking.

The plan was to just to walk out through the main door and leave his daughter in his cell.

Gotta give ol’ Shorty an A for effort I guess? Dude almost pulled it off except not really. It’s hard to slip out of the slammer looking like a mannequin though. And hey, how about those parenting skills? Little guy was planning on vamoosing and leaving his daughter in his cell. That’s hardcore. Father of the Year candidate for sure. Brazilian Drug Lords, man. Always pulling some sort of shenanigans.

PS- You know he thought the t-shirt with the donuts was just the thing to put his ensemble over the top.

UPDATE: Shorty is dead. He was found in his cell, the victim of an apparent suicide.

Adorable. Love the “prank your kids” selling point. Also, I’m questioning the “real spiders” promise on the packaging.

Not Larry.

(CNN) Workers removing shelves and coolers from a No Frills Supermarket in Council Bluffs, Iowa, in January discovered a body behind one of them.

The remains were recently identified as those of Larry Ely Murillo-Moncada, a former employee who had been reported missing November 28, 2009.

Investigators used his parents’ DNA to confirm the identity, and the clothes matched the description of his attire at the time he was reported missing, according to Council Bluffs Police Capt. Todd Weddum.

Investigators now believe that Murillo-Moncada went to the supermarket and climbed on top of the coolers. The space was used as storage for merchandise, Weddum said, and employees would sometimes go there to hide when they wanted to take an unofficial break. He is thought to have fallen into the 18-inch gap between the back of the cooler and a wall, where he became trapped. Noise from the coolers’ compressors may have concealed any attempts to call for help, according to Weddum.

Man, talk about burying the lead. Sure, I can see a dead guy being overlooked behind a freezer. Not exactly an everyday occurrence but I guess it could happen. And I can sort of buy the theory that he couldn’t be heard over the noise of the compressors. Sort of. What I can’t buy is the fact that a guy lay rotting behind a cooler for 10-years and nobody smelled anything. Hey, I’ve smelled dead bodies before. It’s a pretty distinctive aroma, lemme tell ya. Hard to miss to put it mildly. And they said store employees were up there all the time? Doesn’t add up. Something smells fishy, dude.

PS- I tried to come up with a line about the store’s name but I couldn’t pull it off. No Frills + Dead Guy. There has to be a joke in there somewhere. 

PPS- “Frill” is one of those words we always use with “no.” Nobody ever says, “I want a lot of frills” or something like that. Weird.

Honest question. This dude has to pay, right? No way I’d sit there and witness this atrocity. Number one, keep your damn shoes on. Number two, keep your stinking feet off a screen somebody else will be using. You disgust me, foot swiping touch screen guy.

PS- He’s not handicapped, at least physically. Mentally? Obviously.

I would have let her go ahead and ride with the luggage.

Actually it’s a moth from Southeast Asia that’s inflating scent glands from its butt, but still. Nature, man. Just messing with us per usual. On a related note, Good God.

PS- It’s preparing for its mate. Yep, that’ll get the ladies.

PPS- If you want all the fascinating details regarding this bad boy, read below the photos.

Newsweek- Creatonotos gangis is a species of moth that lives in Southeast Asia and parts of Australia. Most of the time it looks like a normal moth with white and black wings and a red or yellow body. It’s in the Eribidae family of moths, which includes some of the largest moth species.

But when preparing to mate, four tubular, translucent scent glands, or coremata, inflate like balloon animals from his behind.

Some male moths and butterflies have these coremata, or “hair-pencils.” They use them to expel pheromones to attract mates, and the hairs waft the smell toward the females. WIRED wrote a detailed analysis of these odd organs. You can also learn more about the weird body parts of moths and butterflies in this Powerpoint slideshow (PDF), complete with macro photos.

Comments on the video of C. gangis, which six days after posting has more than 200,000 shares, express fear and confusion at this strange creature’s inflating organs which are each about the length of the rest of his body. The behavior is confusing and makes it look a bit like a sinister alien. But the animal is harmless, as long as you don’t eat too many of them.

When C. gangis is just a caterpillar, before it has transformed into its mothy self, it eats plants with alkaloid chemicals. These plants evolved toxicity to discourage insects from eating them, but the caterpillars bit back evolutionarily—in fact, it’s necessary for them to eat the toxic plants in order to grow these glands as moths. The more toxins they eat, the bigger their hair-pencils ultimately will be. These toxins also have the added benefit of making them taste terrible.

So following the USA’s World Cup win in soccer Bleacher Report sent out this tweet with the caption “One Nation, One Team.” The weird tweet was a graphic that featured, among others, Taylor Swift, Will Ferrell, Maverick from Top Gun, Oprah, the cast of Friends and Modern Family, Zac Efron, Michael Scott from The Office, Brad Pitt, Lebron and Kobe, Ellen, Beyonce and Jay-Z, Kim Kardashian, and freakin’ Iron Man.

So my question is this – WHAT THE HELL? Was this supposed to represent a cross section of America or something? Celebrating our diversity? Isn’t Matthew Perry Canadian? And Iron Man? What am I missing?

[UPDATE]- Others must have been confused as well. Bleacher Report deleted the tweet.

Click to enlarge.

Just kidding. He looks awful. Read on . . .

Siberia- A man allegedly found alive in a bear’s den a month after the beast attacked him and dragged him to its lair survived by drinking his own urine, according to reports in Russia. Named only as Alexander, the victim is said to have been severely injured and close to death when hunting dogs found him in Russia’s remote Tuva region. The emaciated man was reportedly rushed to hospital where medics discovered he’d broken his spine after being set upon by the brown bear.

He is said to have told doctors that the predator had overpowered him  – then tossed him in its den where it kept him for a month. According to the Siberian Times, Alexander explained: “The bear preserved me as food for later. I drank my own urine to survive.”

A group of Russian hunters found Alexander after their dogs barked and refused to move on from a bear’s den they passed in the forest, it’s reported. When the hunters checked inside the lair they apparently saw what they believed to be a “human mummy” – until they realized he was alive.

Listen, I was fully prepared to pooh-pooh Alexander’s story. After all, no website can pooh-pooh a story like Shoe: Untied, amirite? That is, until I saw that photo. That, my friends, is a man who’s been kept in a bear’s den for 30-days. No way to fake that. End of argument.

Note: The Siberian Times sounds like a great newspaper to work for, huh? Just reporting on people freezing to death, bear attacks and vodka overdoses on the daily.

Note 2: Is anyone surprised who saved Alexander? Dogs, because of course they did. Cats would have waited until the bear ate him and feasted on the scraps. 

Note 3: There are now reports this is indeed a hoax. Why does somebody always have to try and ruin a good story?

Jade Stanley, 35, launched Sex Doll Official in 2018, a company which sells customized dolls. Speaking on This Morning with hosts Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield, Jade, who was joined by sex doll Amelia, opened up about one service they offer where they create a replica of deceased partners. Asked if she had people ask for a doll of their dead partner, Jade said: “Yes, actually I have. Loneliness is a massive issue and I think one of the most surprising aspects of this industry for me, is really it’s not all seedy and sexual.” Jade was joined by sex doll Amelia. “I’ve had lots of customers who genuinely come to me and they want a doll for comfort purposes only. I think that’s fantastic. I think in that case I’m fulfilling my job by providing comfort to somebody in their time of need.”

Ladies and gentlemen, those of you who read this site regularly know that it is a rare topic indeed that renders me speechless. However, this is one of those topics. Thank you and goodnight.

PS- Hey, I know when to keep my mouth shut.

PPS- Usually.

Sweet ride.

WALHALLA, S.C. (AP) — A South Carolina woman who police say was driving drunk will not be cited with a DUI because her vehicle of choice was a toy truck. News outlets quote police as saying that instead they charged 25-year-old Megan Holman with public intoxication. They say they spotted her cruising down the road in a Power Wheels electric toy truck after a caller reported a suspicious person on the street. Officers say she was driving about a mile from her home in Walhalla when they stopped her.

What an injustice. Listen, I ain’t mad at Megan Holman. Not at all. I mean, who amongst us hasn’t had a couple barley pops and took our Fisher Price Power Wheels Electric Toy Truck out for a spin? No harm no foul, amirite? And what about the fun hating narc who called the po-po? That’s no way to live your life, ruining other folk’s good times. Get a life, random snitch. Free Megan Holman! Free Megan Holman!

PS- I’ve been to Walhalla, South Carolina. There’s a 90% chance Megs was heading to Triple Ds out on Highway 11.

PPS- Xzempt is playing there Friday. Road trip! 

PPS- Of course you shouldn’t drive anything drunk. Chill.

So I was watching hockey last night, which I rarely do but it was Game 7 so why the hell not? Plus I love to see the city of Boston lose no matter the sport so fingers were crossed, ya know? For some reason Charles Barkley was there giving his 2-cents which made no sense but not much does anymore. Anyway, Charles started with a simple polo shirt, but came back wearing this ensemble:

That, my friends, is your classic unbuttoned button-up with some sort of paisley design thrown in for good measure. You can see the polo underneath. So what’s up, Chuck? As always I have some theories, ranked in order of probability:

1. Charles was having a delicious bratwurst, or perhaps some Dippin’ Dots, and dropped a dollop of mustard or ice cream on his polo. Hence the cover-up. But what are the odds of someone having a XXXXL shirt handy?

2. One of the suits in charge told Chuck he needed to be more presentable, that a mere polo wouldn’t do. Being the irascible rascal we know him to be, he grabbed whatever he could find and threw it on, buttons be damned.

3. Being a hockey game and all, it was cold. Charles adjusted accordingly. Also oddly.

4. Charles didn’t want to carry a bag on his flight to St. Louis so he wore a couple sets of clothes simultaneously. He also has on two pairs of pants, underwear, and so forth. 

5. Charles Barkley thinks this looks good.

Bottom line, the fashion world as we once knew it has been forever altered. But for whatever the reason, this must be investigated post haste. Questions must be answered.

Charles, the world awaits.

Holy . . .

Raccoon Dogs are terrorizing a village in central England after escaping from their pen in Nottinghamshire, according to news reports.

Raccoon dogs, also called Tanukis, look like a combination of a dog and a raccoon, but are neither dog nor raccoon, however they are part of the canid family, which includes wolves and dogs.

Shortly after escaping their pen, one of the loose dogs was photographed and reportedly attacked a goat.

Police are warning residents to watch out for the animals and to stay away from them if spotted because they are “potentially dangerous if approached as they are not domesticated,” Nottinghamshire police officials said, according to CNN.

Nottinghamshire resident Mandy Marsh told the Independent that one of the escaped animals attacked her pet goat and pony.

“I heard such a terrifying noise like I had never heard before. It was screaming. We ran out and this animal – we now know it’s a raccoon dog – was trying to attack our goat, Marsh said.

“The raccoon dog was trying to kill it. It was absolutely crazy. It was hissing and screaming and snarling. It was going absolutely mad.”

Sweet Mother of God that’s a horrific looking beast. Raccoon Dog? Really? Hell, this opens up a whole new world. What’s next, Wolf Cows? Hummingbats? The mind reels. And you have to bring your A Game, goat. And any self-respecting billy would have head-butted the hell out of that Raccoon Dog. Embarrassing really.

PS- My parents had a couple miniature burrows named Pancho and Lefty that were not to be trifled with. A couple coyotes made the mistake of harassing Pancho and got kicked into oblivion.

PPS- Sparky would tear that Raccoon Dog to shreds.