Archive for March, 2014

Dogs are the best.

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Worse news imaginable. Heads should roll.

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Yummy goodness.

At least for the moment.

Excellently done. For Rundgren fans only. This is the first of 4-parts.

Fails. Of. The Week!

Posted: March 30, 2014 in Fails, Humor
Tags:

Good week for fails.

Love tap.

He sorta reminds me of that dude who loved trains so much. Click here if you didn’t see that guy.

Seriously, Ohio?

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Yep, The Spark has a few peculiarities. No doubt about it. My lovable pooch, although intelligentSparkLoofa1 and lovable as hell, has a few idiosyncrasies that, for me, only add to his funky little personality. To wit:

  • Although Sparky hates wood floors, he’ll dart out onto a frozen lake with zero reservations. I actually had to buy some little throw rugs to put down so he could navigate his way around the house, yet he bolted out onto my mom and dad’s lake and slid around like a canine tasmanian devil on roller skates.
  • Spark will walk past a cat like it’s not there, but he’ll go after anything with feathers with an intent bordering on insanity. He also ignores most other dogs but barks at airplanes.
  • Sparky and I have walked down the streets of some pretty big cities, and I’ve seen him let a homeless guy sitting on the sidewalk rub his ears. But, if he sees a guy begging alongside the road he wants to rip his throat out.
  • Sparky will attack a rhino if he feels threatened and is generally fearless. That said, he’s terrified of automatic air fresheners. I had one in my living room and every time it made a little “pffft” sound he leaped out of his skin and bolted to the bedroom. I had to throw it away it was so bad.
  • Spark absolutely loves squeaky toys but only if they have fur or hair on them. If they’re plastic or rubber he couldn’t care less about them. ‘Tis a mystery as to why this is so.

So what can I say? Spark’s a quirky little mutt, hard to figure out sometimes. But it’s all a part of his charm, ya know?

Gotta love The Spark.

 

Karma, truly a bitch.

Posted: March 27, 2014 in Assclowns, Fails, Humor
Tags:

I love Karma.

Good Lord.

*Sarcasm alert.1

LAKEWOODA naked man riding a tricycle was arrested and charged with being under the influence of cocaine Tuesday evening, police said. Jermaine Jones, a 31-year-old from Trenton, was found naked under a stairwell, chewing glass and cigarette tobacco, said Sgt. Greg Staffordsmith of the Lakewood police. Police received a call about the man on the tricycle riding throughout the Crossroads Apartments complex at 6:30 p.m., said Staffordsmith.

What’s this country coming to when Jermaine Jones can’t ride around naked on a tricycle while high on cocaine and eating glass and cigarette tobacco? I mean really? Poor Jermaine was just out on a Tuesday evening, minding his own business and trying to have a good time.

Shame on you, Sgt. Greg Staffordsmith and the Lakewood Police Department. Don’t you have something better to do? And what about the snitch who called the Po-Po? Snitches wind up in ditches with stitches, bro.

Free Jermaine Jones! Free Jermaine Jones!

On a related note, the visual this article brings to mind is a combination of horror and hilarity. Horlarity if you will.

Yikes.

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Nassau, NY: Hundreds of dead birds were found on the outskirts of Nassau yesterday, officials reported. Several local citizens reported finding the birds in a huge pile just off Mead Road.

The birds were reportedly ring-necked pheasants and mallard ducks. 

Listen, I swear Sparky has never left my side this week. Wait. I did go to the state tournament on Saturday and was gone between 8:30 and 5:00. Could it be possible? Could it?

Nah. But excuse me while I go look for feathers in somebody’s dog bed.

The picture of innocence.

The picture of innocence.

Superhuman speed. End of story.

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One of my favorite all-time artists.

Good stuff.

Epic.

Sweet Jesus . . .

THIS HORRIFYING CLOWN IS HAUNTING STATEN ISLAND

From the New York Observer . . .

We at the Observer would advise skipping this story if you plan on sleeping without horrific nightmares ever again.

If social media is to be believed, there is a man dressed as a clown wandering around Staten Island at night. Witnesses describe him as bald, wearing a trademark blue and yellow clown suit, holding balloons and OH MY GOD LOOK AT THESE PICTURES.

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I can’t look.

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Oh Sweet Mother of God why?

The Clown, which has reportedly been seen hanging around the Grasmere and Richmond Valley train stations, has been snapped three times and uploaded to Twitter and Instagram, providing both internet buzz and nightmare fuel.

“He was just kinda standing there waving like he was in a picture,” Westerleigh resident Vincent Innocente told the paper of his experience on Sunday. 

And if that isn’t terrifying enough we have this:

 

Seriously, hopefully this is some sort of marketing ploy or something. It has to be right? RIGHT? Because, you know, LOOK AT THE FREAKING CLOWN!!!!!

Now excuse me while I go check my locks.

 

I like this guy.

Acoustic, with Mike Mills on lead. Great Troggs cover.

So I got an awesome comment today on my acclaimed blog entitled “15 Reasons I Hate LeBron James1 and I just have to share it with you. Being the world renowned opinionated blogger that I am, I attract all kinds ya know.

As many of you know I’ve already received a pretty strongly worded counterpoint to that blog already, which may or may not have been written by King James himself. This latest comment is a little more angry and hateful, as you shall soon see.

Here’s the comment, followed by my response:

John Utely (or so he says):

Dumb ass article sound like u mad cus ur butt hurt lebron won idiot get off that dudes dick and go get some pussy u faggot

Ouch!

My response:

I always appreciate intelligent, well thought out responses from my fans. Thanks for reading!

But seriously, if this guy is LeBron’s defender The King is in trouble, amirite? Nice grammar, bro. Your punctuation is stellar. “sound like u mad cus ur butt hurt“? Really? That’s the best you got? Here’s some advice for you. When writing a well thought out critique of a blog try and make some sense and, you know, at least throw some capitalization and a period or two in there.

I’m thinking this either came from a LeBron Fanboy or LeBron himself again, except this time it’s clear he’s in a downward spiral, obsessing over me whilst planning my grisly demise.

Just in case the latter is true, if anybody sees a Hummer with license plates reading “THEKING6” on it in the vicinity of Bourneville, do me a favor and give me a holler and a heads-up.

Then again, Sparky vs. LeBron might be fun to watch.

Have a great evening.

Note: I’m kidding. I’m 10% 35% 50% 75% 99% sure LeBron is not behind this.

 

Good for second place right here. First place cowbell bro? Check below.

Yeah, you knew this was coming. You are very welcome.

Nothing to worry about here. Move along.

Nothing to worry about here. Move along.

NY Daily News:

Look who is back.

As predicted, large mosquitoes are hatching at a rapid rate in Florida, officials say. The Psorophora ciliata, also known as “gallinippers,” were spotted last week in Seminole County in Central Florida, according to TV station WKMG. 

University of Florida entomologists predicted they were coming after they had been spotted at this time last year. Heavy and consistent rain likely led to the hatching of the massive eggs, which were likely laid the previous year.

“They are a very attractive mosquito, as far as mosquitoes go,” entomologist Phil Kaufman of the University of Florida told The Daily News on Tuesday. “They are very striking mosquitoes. Your eyes would be drawn to them.”

Some reports have the  “gallinippers” as being 20 times the size of normal mosquitoes. The species is very aggressive, but is not known to carry any viruses that could hurt human beings, Kaufman said. They do bite, so heavy clothing and bug spray are the best defenses.

“People who are concerned about mosquitoes should wear insect repellents – and effective insect repellents,” Kaufman told The News. “This mosquito is not important for disease transmission, but other mosquitoes are very important for that. So people should wear insect repellents.”

As far as the large mosquitoes’ bite is concerned, Kaufman says it’s not so bad.

“It didn’t feel like knives,” he said. “It felt like a pin prick.”

GOOD GOD! GIANT FREAKING MOSQUITOES! Sorry, I need a minute . . .

OK, I’m back. Scientists are the best, huh? What about this quote?

“They are a very attractive mosquito, as far as mosquitoes go. They are very striking mosquitoes. Your eyes would be drawn to them.”

Can’t you just picture some science geek looking at one if these ugly-ass monsters and saying that? Pure comedy. And yes, nothing to worry about since they carry no diseases. Oh, they do bite but it doesn’t feel like a knife so it’s all good. I do agree with Professor Phil Kaufman that you should be sure and wear an effective insect repellent, because they’re way better than the ineffective ones. That was good advice.

Scientists. Gotta love ’em. Seriously though, the Gallinippers have arrived. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!