Archive for the ‘Fashion’ Category

At first glance, pinstripes. At second glance . . .

So Markelle Fultz was drafted in the #1 spot last night by the Philadelphia 76ers, and all the talking heads were blathering on about the fact that his college team, the Washington Huskies, only won 9-games last year. Sure, that’s a concern, but nobody mentioned the other elephant in the room – Markelle Fultz wears two watches. Man, that’s such an outrageous move I’m not sure what to think. Who needs two watches? That’s just insane, man. Makes me question his judgement and, dare I say, his intelligence. Take a gander.

Makes no sense on any level. However, he redeemed himself somewhat with these sweet shoes that are made from, wait for it . . . basketballs. Atta boy Markelle.

From time-to-time my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied likes to post some of the latest fashion trends and throw in our 2¢. Don’t believe me? Just type in the word “fashion” in that search box over there and have a look-see. Anywho, our head Fashion Consultant Yuki Fukumodo brought in some photos of some of the hottest trends out there today, and I must say they beg for our attention and commentary. Let us commence with the festivities . . .

Remember the fake muddy pants I showed you a few weeks ago? Same concept here. And guess what? Still dumb.

These are called Ugg Sandals. Don’t you wear boots to keep your feet warm and dry? Aren’t open-toed boots defeating the actual purpose of boots? I’m so confused.

Man, these things have to be a nightmare for ladies with love handles, amirite? Stuff be poppin’ out all over the place up in here. Seriously, that’s not a good look, man.

Oh for the love of God. Now they’re just messing with us. “Hey, let’s cut up some old sweats, attach them with clamps and see if people will buy them.” Guess what? People will.

Perfect for people who want to ride their horse to the beach and sink their toes in the sand. Geesh. On a related note, the tan lines would be outrageous.

Perfect for the woman who has an extra 10-minutes to buckle-up her Elbow Purse.

Honestly, were out of ideas so we’re just reaching now, right? Just making stuff up right and left and expecting people to eat it up. The sad part is, some people will.

So I posted that photo of Pharrell William’s wife and the weird-ass outfit she wore to the Met Gala this past weekend, and it turns out that was just the beginning. Here’s my girl Katy Perry, who showed up in something people might wear on Uranus. What the hell is on her head, gadgets to help her contact aliens or something? Honestly, these designers are just messing with us now, right? Just throwing crap together to see if these celebs will wear it. Crazy Town, man.

A-a-a-a-n-d . . . she wore this. Sweet Mother of God that’s awful. I mean, here’s Pharrell wearing ripped jeans and a leather jacket, something you’d see folks wearing into your local bar, and his wife is sporting something that looks like one of those squirrel wingsuits people wear to fly off of mountains and whatnot. Modern fashion is weird, man.

Yep. And as you can read below, you can own a pair for a mere $425. Honestly, what kind of a moron would buy these? Number one, why would you want to wear pretend-dirty jeans and look like a homeless dude? Number two, why would you spend $425 on them? On a related note, people are dumb.

In 1961, Martha Stewart was selected as one of Glamour magazine’s “Ten Best-Dressed College Girls.” Here’s a photo from the shoot:

Here’s noted douche-tool Carmelo Anthony last night, fur-laden because he’s apparently doing some post-game trapping in the Yukon and not hopping into his limo before it even exits the bowels of Madison Square Garden. Nice look, Grizzly Adams.

So some dude named Thom (with an h) Browne is an avant garde fashion designer who unleashes some mighty interesting style choices on an unsuspecting public. He recently staged his latest show, and it begs for a look-see from the Shoe: Untied Committee of Style (SUCS). The committee consists of yours truly (CEO and Founder), Sim Hao Xiang (Legal Department) and Ariella Levinsky (Fashion Editorial Assistant). Sim Hao asked to be on the committee because he has a “passion for fashion” (his words). Ariella happens to actually have a degree from Bunka Fashion College in Tokyo, ranked 7th in the world (look it up). Me? I’m on the committee because it’s my website and for my snarky, insightful world view.

The plan is to show you a photo, followed by the committee’s comments and knee-jerk reactions. Enjoy!

Sim Hao: “Daring look here. I like it. Sort of 1920’s throwback.”

Ariella: “The swim caps and socks top off an exciting, fresh look.”

Shoe: “Looks like a Beach Party on Uranus.”

Sim Hao: “Again, a clean, classic look that harkens back to a simpler time.”

Ariella: “The Elizabethan makeup symbolizes the starkness of the style. Wise in a stylistic sense.

Shoe: “Does that bro have whiteface on or did he go overboard with the sunscreen?

Sim Hao: “A daring take on the classic business suit.”

Ariella: “Here Thom is saying that Wall Street is in dire need of some loosening up. Love the leggings.”

Shoe: “Not sure what Thom is saying, other than he’s batshit crazy.”

Sim Hao: “The black and white look never goes out of style. Love love love.”

Ariella: “While the white lips are jarring at first glance, they’re simply an extension of the entire fashion statement.”

Shoe: “Listen, I’m not a PC guy but that’s racist. Wait. Is that a dog purse? Cool.

Sim Hao: “Love this look, and the boots are fabulous.”

Ariella: “The long-flowing arms are saying that our reach is limitless and has no bounds.”

Shoe: “How in the hell can you perform the most basic human functions with those sleeves? And my dominant eye is my right one so I’d be screwed.”

Sim Hao: “A light, airy look. Bravo!”

Ariella: “Again, the feathers symbolize freedom and an ability to take flight from our inhibitions. Well played, Thom Browne!

Shoe: “How many chickens died here in the name of fashion? On a related note, feather shorts are not a horrible idea.”

Sim Hao: “Omigod! I simply must see his footwear!

Ariella: “Here Thom has gone beyond white, showing that freedom comes in all the colors of the rainbow!

Shoe: “Looks like a hyena ate a bunch of parrots and vomited on this poor guy.

Sim Hao: ‘The black bird headgear is the perfect counteraction to the white outfit. Genius!

Ariella: “Thom is now simply going beyond style. He’s showing we can actually be a bird and possess all their best qualities.”

Shoe: “Oh, for Christ’s sake. That dude would never make it through hunting season where I come from. And he sort of quit from the knees down, didn’t he? I mean, really? Brown loafers?”*

*Maybe they’re red. Still bad.

Sim Hao: “Another modern take on a classic look. And the chokers are fab!

Ariella: “This look is right in line with Thom’s artistic vision. The plastic gloves are saying, ‘Let’s get dirty!” Sexy look indeed.

Shoe: “Looks like the 1776 British Army Infantry, Gay Division.

Sim Hao: “They look like mysterious superheroes! Oh how I love this look!”

Ariella: “Thom is famous for his bowler hats. Here’s a fresh, unique look at an old fashion staple. Courageous creativity at its pinnacle.

Shoe: “Wait. Face hats are a thing? Who knew? I know a few people who could use one, including Thom Browne after trying to sell people this trash.”

So there you have it kids, Shoe: Untied’s take on the Thom Browne Fashion Show. Go buy your face hats and feather coats today!

Just an outrageous move by Julie Snook here. How dare she wear white like the other women! Everyone knows the news will get drowned in a sea of white if this act of egregiousness goes unchecked. And what a brazen move, claiming that her obviously white top was blue. Just a desperation move right there. Thankfully Amber Sherlock took charge and calm was restored in Australian News Land when a black jacket was brought forth. Whew. Crisis averted.

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Once again I’ve had a run-in with a weird shopper. Here’s what went down . . .

So I travel up to the Tanger Outlets, a mall near where I live here in Southern Ohio. The mall gets shoppers from Cincinnati, Dayton and Columbus and sort of sits in the middle of all three cities. I went up to look for a sporty winter coat, and I scored a sweet Adidas number that was perfect for the price. Adidas is having a helluva sale by the way. Anyhoo, before I found my coat I was in the Nike store looking for the same thing. At one point I spotted something I thought I might like, so I took off the coat I had on, a leather jacket, and hung it on the side of a nearby rack. Not on a hanger, mind you, just over the end of one of the rods the hangers hang on. On a related note, man was that was an awkward sentence.

So I try the coat on, take a gander in the mirror and realize it wasn’t for me. I then put the coat back on its hanger, turn around, reach for my coat . . . and it wasn’t there.

Actually it was there, but not where I left it. That’s because it was on some bro’s back. Yep, you guessed it.

Some guy was wearing my coat. 

Said bro was admiring himself in the same mirror I’d just used, doing the little spin-move pirouette thingy as he checked out his look. I gazed bemusedly at the dude for a second, wondering #1, what would be the proper response in this situation, and #2, how in the hell did he think that well-worn non-sporty Nike Swooshless coat would be sold in a Nike store?

I guess I should have simply said something along the lines of, “Hey, that’s my coat” but that seemed sort of unoriginal. Instead this conversation commenced:

“You like that coat?”

“Yeah, I think I do. What do you think?”

“I like it a lot. Because it’s mine.”

“Haha! Honestly, I think I’m buying it.”

“Haha! No you’re not. It’s mine. Seriously. My cell phone’s in that pocket right there. So’s my money clip. Take it off.”

At that point the guy pats the pocket I’m pointing to, freezes with a look of shock for a second, then proceeds to shuck my coat with the speed of an electron.*

*Electrons are fast.

My coat was then handed back to me along with an abundance of apologies of which I accepted graciously. Well, graciously for me anyway. I may or may not have muttered “idiot” at one point under my breath, but that’s neither here nor there.

Before I left though, I had to ask:

“If you really like this coat I’ll sell it to you for $200.”

Dude thought for a minute, then said “No thanks, man. Appreciate the offer though.”

Then, since it was the holidays, “$150?” Hey, I was feeling all Christmasy and whatnot.

“Mmmm, no thank you.”

Alright man. Have a good Christmas.

“You too.”

Then he walked away.

What can I say? Just another weird shopping encounter for yours truly.

PS – The guy actually made a smart move. I’d seen the same coat at Wilson’s Leather Store for $89.99. 

PPS – I hated myself for a few minutes, but it passed. Merry Christmas!

 

 

Streamline Moderne is a late type of Art Deco architecture and design that emerged in the 1930s. Some people call it Air Flow Design as well. Its architectural style emphasized curving forms, long horizontal lines and it was cool as hell. I don’t know, there’s just something rally appealing to me about the look. There were Streamline Moderne automobiles, houses, furniture, appliances, and even toys. Check out the slideshow below. Love it, man.

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It’s been well documented that I’ve lamented the loss of cool hats in the USA. I actually wrote about it in a blog called Hats. What Happened? Anywho, here’s a cool photo of a time when people appreciated the coolness of hats.

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So I was perusing the world wide interweb today and came across a website that featured fashion from that decade called the ’70s. For you youngsters out there, the 70’s was called the “Me Generation” and was  coincidentally one whole hell of a lot of fun. Well, usually. It was time of great music and awful clothes, as you are about to see. Below you will find some awesomely awesome photos of awesomely bad clothes in all their sartorial splendor. You’re welcome in advance.

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First off, this bro could have no other name than Douglas Bull. I think we all know what they’re inferring with that name, don’t we? Anyway, that one-piece on the right is straight fire. On a related note, I may or may not have worn something similar to the Charlie Horse Disco in Lancaster, circa 1978.

PS – You must read the selling points accompanying the jumpsuit photo. It includes words like “fashion climax” and “walking turn-on.” Dead serious.

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You see, children, there once was a time when all self-respecting gentlemen dressed like inner city flesh-peddlers. The above photo is evidence of that time. In addition, man, those are high waisted patterned slacks.

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Get it? Bells? Bell bottoms? I even remember my first pair and where I wore them, not even kidding. Oh, and see those neck scarves? They’re called ascots and were very popular among the trendy folk in the 1970s. Oh, and I have to say it’s a damn shame the guy on the far right had to make a pair of pants from his grandmother’s living room curtains.

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As you can see, that guy on the left is wearing a tank top. You may have noticed that these have made a comeback over the past couple of years. What goes around comes around, baby. It’s just a matter of time before Douglas Bull’s one-piece starts hitting the streets again.

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Let’s talk about the guy in the bib overalls. I promise you that myself and every one of my friends owned a pair of bib overalls at one point or another. If you really wanted to be sexy (and who doesn’t?) you wore them sans shirt. The ladies dug that look like you would not dream. At least that’s what I was told. They avoided me like the Yellow Fever Outbreak of 1793.

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Oh, hell yeah! Shiny clothes never get old, do they? And the hair on those three is spectacular. Just blown dried and feathered back like you read about. Sigh. Swear to God I once had feathered hair and it was breathtaking. Just blew in the breeze like a boss. At least in my mind. And I have to tread lightly here, but the guy on the right looks as if he might be trying to smuggle out a bag of quarters or something. Yikes.

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Not gonna lie here. I’m wearing a robe like the guy on the right as we speak. Big robe guy here. Wait. I’m wearing a kimono? Su-weet. And I’m torn on the slipper socks. They’re boots, right? Those existed? But damn those look comfortable. If you think I’m not searching those babies up on The Goggle later you’re out of your gourd.

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That vest looks like something my Aunt Bertha would have knitted during the preacher’s long sermons back when I was a kid attending church in Bourneville, Ohio. Oh, and nice that she had some material left over and put together that little ill-fitting stocking cap up top. But hey, the guy has a cane so that ups his coolness factor quite a bit.

PS – Check out that dude’s smug smile. Thinks he a real male model and whatnot. I hope he gets eaten by a pack of rabies infested weasels.

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Listen, if it was just the nightshirt I wouldn’t be interested in this get-up. However, that Sea Captain’s Hat just takes things up to another level. Ahoy indeed. I have no idea what that means.

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What the hell happened to the old belt worn over the knitted sweater look? That was the bomb-diggity, man. Throw in the wide collar and ascot and you were good to go, brother. And once again, this cat is sporting the knitted sweater from Granny’s closet. Sudden thought – is there a difference between knitting and crocheting? The mind reels.

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First off, let’s get straight to the obvious. That’s guy’s mustache is magnificent. Throw in that majestic sweater, neck scarf and the fact that he kills dinner with his bare hands and that’s a man’s man, my friends.

Note: Seriously, what’s up with the chicken?

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Hey-O! Now that’s a poncho! Honestly, I had a throw in my college apartment that my mom made that looked exactly like that poncho. Man, if that throw could talk. Anyway, I missed out on the whole vest with no shirt look. It apparently never made it this far inward from the coasts. On a related note, is the guy on the back left wearing pants?

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I post this photo for a couple reasons. First, whatever happened to the old horizontal opening? Never caught on I guess? Seemed like a can’t-miss, ya know?* Secondly, check out the colors – gold, orange, pink, rhubarb, ice and red. Lemme tell ya, the chicks dig rhubarb, man. Can’t live without the rhubarb undies.

*I never heard of the horizontal opening until 5-minutes ago.

So there’s your fashion blast from the past. Hope it brought some good memories and not horrific nightmares. Just remember kids, fashion always comes back. You’ve been warned.

Michael Westbrook is a really good NBA basketball player. He also fancies himself to be a trendsetter in the world of fashion. He’s always a regular at New York City’s Fashion Week, where designers are constantly trying to one-up each other with outrageous, “unique” looks. Perhaps because of this Russell’s fashion sense is, shall we say, a little different. That said, let’s take a look at some of the ensembles he’s worn to games this season. I will be providing scintillating commentary and a grade with each photo, because I know you demand, and dare I say need, it. Let us commence . . .

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Russell actually wore this yesterday. It’s apparently pair of capri pants, manpris if you will, accompanied by a stylish elvish hat from the Gandalf the Grey Collection. The pants appear to have been caught in a lawnmower’s blade, though I cannot be certain. In addition, I’m not sure what’s going on around the waist area. Something seems awry there. Oh, and is it me or has Russ simply given up with the plain white t-shirt? Disappointing really. The shoes are a disappointment as well, although the glasses actually seem to have lenses in them, which is a pleasant surprise. GRADE: D+

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Here Russell is seen sporting a feathered fedora, and he’s wearing the lenseless glasses he seems to prefer. The button-up short-sleeved shirt is a couple sizes too small, but I realize that’s the style these days. The bow-tie is a worn-out accessory used only by those who don’t want to wear a traditional tie, and the suspenders are completely unnecessary. The plaid pants seem to have been borrowed from a 12-year old homeless boy, which is unfortunate. GRADE: D-

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Here Russell has chosen his favorite lenseless glasses, followed by a sleeveless, collarless, camouflaged (?) top. Not sure what the black strips emanating from his armpits represent, but I’m sure it’s something deep, important and essential to everyday life as we know it. Once again, Russell favors the manpris, this time milky white and snug around the calves. The shoes are disappointing, as they appear to be a last-second, uninspired choice. GRADE: F

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Here Russell sports a wood-brimmed fedora and a simple button-up shirt, and has chosen a simple Mexican poncho as a cover-up. I actually like this look, but I suspect the poncho is merely a last-second decision made because he wasn’t happy with his overall appearance. GRADE: C+

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In this case Mr. Westbrook has gone back to the lenseless glasses, which again seem to be a favorite. The kicker, of course, is the M&M Polo, a must for any self-respecting fashion mogul. Of course it’s buttoned up as far as it will go, for anything less would be a fashion faux paus. GRADE: F+.*

*The actual M&M characters would’ve brought it up to a D.

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On this occasion Russel has chosen a basic trenchcoat, covering a shirt once worn by Urkel on a Family Matters episode. Both of these choices do nothing to keep us from looking at those slacks, which are tighter than spandex on a 350-pound lady wrestler. The pants are also rolled up, which is inexplicable to any right-thinking fashion maven. The saddle shoes complete this ensemble, and by complete I mean they in no way complete it. GRADE: F

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Psssst. Russ. Listen up. If you’re the Clothes Horse of the NBA, you simply cannot take a day off. I mean, you’re not even trying here. Jacket straight out a a 1985 Valleys Girls’ closet, a plain white t-shirt, and trousers that appear to have been chewed on by a South African Honey Badger. And I’m not even gonna mention those shoes. Just awful, man. GRADE: F

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In this case we see that Russell has chosen some stylish shoes, acceptable pants, a questionable man purse and . . . a red silk t-shirt once worn by Boy George on Culture Club’s 1983 “Karma Chameleon” World Tour. Sigh. And he was doing so well. GRADE: D-

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Apparently Russell put this number together in an effort to receive intergalactic messages from Jupiter, or perhaps block ultraviolet rays sent by aliens with evil intentions. Again he carries his man purse, followed by what appears to be studded slacks constructed by the creator of the Bedazzler (Google it).* GRADE: F

*On a related note, why am I now hungry for a Pop Tart?

So there you have it, some of Russell Westbrook’s out-therefits, along with my stinging barbs and acute assessments. And remember kids, just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s right.

Later.

So Forbes listed its “10 Wardrobe Staples Every Man Should Have” and I can’t wait to peruse this joke of a list. I’m sure it’s chock full of stuff like neck scarves, designer socks and $200 underwear. Let’s take a look. As always, I’ll skewer this thing without mercy. Hey-O!!!

Khaki Pants

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Wait. Da hell? Of course I have khaki pants. Who doesn’t? Are they back in style or something? On a related note, you know what worries me? That I own something on Forbes “10 Wardrobe Staples Every Man Should Have” list. Jeebus.

Low-Cut Chuck Taylors

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Uhhhh . . . I own low-cut Chucks as well. Got ’em for $3.00 in the sales bin at Scioto Shoe Mart 12-years ago. Love ’em. What’s happening here?

Solid Color Jeans

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Der. I have several pair. Do dudes wear multi-colored jeans or something? What planet am I on, Uranus? Anywho, I’m 3 for 3 baby!

Neutral Cashmere Sweater

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Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I own a couple cashmere sweaters. V-necks. 4 for 4. I’m starting to get worried.

Blue Blazer

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WHAT MAN DOESN’T OWN A BLUE BLAZER? Sorry, I’m getting a little worked up here. I’m not used to agreeing with Forbes Magazine. 5 for freaking 5.

White Button-Up Shirt

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Sigh. Really? Is it that rare to have white shirts nowadays? Are they so rare that they’re actually cool again? 6 for 6.

Handsome Watch

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Oh, I have a handsome watch. Yes I do. It was a gift and it is spectacular. You can’t wear a cheap watch when you wear a nice gray suit, which I also possess. 7 for 7. And I wonder what’s next?

Gray Suit

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Well, for the love of God. 8 for 8.

Slim Dress Shoes

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Listen, I hate those box-toed shoes everyone wears these days. Why? Because they’re all boxy and whatnot. Therefore I own “slim” dress shoes. So shoot me. 9 for 9.

Leather Briefcase

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Well, this certainly wraps it up. I bought the exact briefcase Forbes pictured above about 10-years ago down in Naples, Florida. 10 for Oh-my-God 10.

How in the hell did I go 100% on this list? HOW? Wait. You know what’s happened here, right? I just kept stuff so long that it came back around in style again.

Brilliant!

And I use the word “fashion” rather loosely. Check out the photo, with my fashion-wise insights to follow.

Note: Those aren’t mannequins, kids. Just real pale, sickly-looking, nazi war camp survivors models that are the same color as Kanye’s new fashion line.

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Being the fashionista that I am, I shall now give my critique.

Front row, far left: My dad had a bathrobe just like that in 1965, not even kidding.

Front row, second from left: Old tank top with cut-off sweat pants. Every man I know has that exact outfit in his repertoire, except my friends don’t look like dying meth addicts. Well, most of them.

Front row, middle (beside Kanye): Just your basic 1980’s Members Only jacket, worn with no pants. Stellar look.

Front row, second from right: This time Kanye shakes things up adding a hoodie under the jacket along with a daring plain ball cap up top. Sweet Jesus I’m dying over here.

Front row, far right: This is apparently your basic plain gray hoodie sweatshirt, and 5 exact replicas reside in my closet as we speak.

Everybody behind the front row: Apparently several people adorned in 1950’s-style undergarments.

Honest to God, how could anyone sit through this fashion collection and not laugh out loud? Kanye West is so full of himself that he thinks he can piss on all of us and pretend it’s a fresh Spring rain.

And you know what? There are plenty of assclowns will buy this stuff. Heaven help us all.

PS: Kanye knows clothes can be colorful, right? Throw in some blue one time, dumbass.