Archive for July, 2017

According to Wall Street marketing agencies.

Jeff Daniels was paid $50,000 to act in Dumb and Dumber. His co-star Jim Carrey was paid $7,000,000.

As a tribute to his late wife, Pedro Martin Ureta and his kids planted these trees in Argentina back in 1977. Awesome.

There’s a new day breakin’.

Everyone knows the story of how Quincy Jones produced this song, which was written by Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie, and how everyone got together after the American Music Awards to record it. It’s pretty incredible how this many major artists were talked into getting into one studio for a single recording. Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie, Bruce Springsteen, Bob Dylan, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Billy Joel, Cyndi Lauper (who just may have stole the show), Daryl Hall, Steve Perry, Paul Simon, Tina Turner, Willie Nelson, Kenny Loggins, and many more all in one room. Crazy stuff, and I can’t imagine it happening today. Also, watching it again, it’s striking how absolutely stunning many of the vocals sound. The variation is styles, how it all somehow blended together, it was really a once in a lifetime occurrence. Anyway, here’s an encore . . .

Pretty amazing list really, and it largely speaks to the vanilla tastes of the general public. I mean, there are some good songs, but it’s telling that while songs like “Macarena”, “You Light Up My Life” and “That’s What Friends Are For” are on the list, there’s nothing from Led Zeppelin, Queen, REM, AC/DC, Michael Jackson, Eminem or Nirvana. I also found it interesting how jarring it was when Elvis hit the scene in 1956, and then The Beatles in 1964. Big changes indeed. Oh, and what song was most popular the year you were born? Mine was “Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White” by Perez Prado. Yeah, me either.

Anyway, enjoy.

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If you watch at the beginning you can see the cyclist cutting across traffic like an idiot. On a related note, always wear a helmet, kids.

Huntsman Spiders generally live in Australia and are huge, with leg spans of up to 12-inches. They eat cockroaches and other insects, but have been seen dragging mice up refrigerators. Not kidding, here’s a video. In addition, Huntsman Spiders can sometimes move using a “cartwheel motion” which sounds absolutely terrifying. Fun fact: People have released Huntsman Spiders in the southern United States, so run for your lives. Anyhoo, Huntsman Freakin’ Spider.

Jon Heder was paid $1,000 to play Napoleon Dynamite, and the movie cost just $400,000 to make. The movie grossed over $40,000,000 in the United States alone. There was no sequel.

I wrote the blog below a few short days ago. Sadly, Anthony “Mooch” Scaramucci has been canned after 11-days on the job. Damn, this is a bummer for the blogging community. Mooch held so much promise, so many possibilities of blogs to come. Alas, he has been shit-canned. Rest in peace, Mooch. Rest in peace. On a related note, great to see the Trump administration is rolling along smoothly. Good Lord.

Wow. Just when I thought the Trump White House couldn’t get any wilder they get rid of Sean Spicer, who was an endless source of entertainment, and bring in Anthony Scaramucci, who is an absolute maniac. I mean, listening to this cat is like sitting by a longshoreman in Barnacle Billy’s on the Maine shoreline. This dude is outrageous, just speaking for the President of the United State’s like he don’t give a damn ’bout nuthin’. Check this out, from an interview with The New Yorker:

On White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus:

Reince Priebus — if you want to leak something — he’ll be asked to resign very shortly. Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac.”

Then, imitating Priebus:

Oh, Bill Shine is coming in. Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months.”

UPDATE: Trump just fired Priebus  The circus continues

On White House chief adviser Steve Bannon:

“I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock. I’m not trying to build my own brand off the fucking strength of the president. I’m here to serve the country.”

On talking about leaks (to a woman he knows is British:

If you’re an American citizen, they are a major catastrophe for the country. So I’m asking you as an American patriot to give me a sense of who leaked it. I’m going to fire every one of them, and then you haven’t protected anybody, so the entire place will be fired over the next two weeks. I fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people I’ll fire tomorrow. I’ll get to the person who leaked that to you.”

On killing leakers:

What I want to do is I want to fucking kill all the leakers and I want to get the President’s agenda on track so we can succeed for the American people.”

Man, even for Trump’s administration that’s strong stuff. It’s hard to fathom this guy is the actual White House Spokesman. Of course, you know the Trumpians will gobble it up. “He’s speaking like us! He’s a regular guy!” He doesn’t talk like a politician!” Well, they got that last one right. Yeesh.

I didn’t think I could be surprised anymore, but damn if The Donald didn’t do it.

PS – That guy who lives in the trailer on Upper Twin Road with “TRUMP” up in Christmas lights beside his Confederate Flag is gonna love Anthony Scaramucci , man.

Good God almighty.

(Source) — Elementary school students in one Florida school district are going to find a welcome new – but controversial – policy when they return to school for the 2017-18 school year next month: no traditional homework. They are being asked to do one thing to help them academically: Read for 20 minutes a minute a night. Heidi Maier, the new superintendent of the 42,000-student Marion County public school district in Florida, said in an interview that she made the decision based on solid research about what works best in improving academic achievement in students.

Listen, I don’t claim to know the research but it might surprise you to find out I don’t hate this. I know times have changed, but I never gave out much homework when I taught, and when I did I tried to leave time during class so I could help the students out myself. I think some of you parents will agree that there’s nothing worse than trying to help your kid with something you don’t understand yourself. That’s brutal, man. Back in my early years of teaching I knew teachers who would absolutely bury kids with 2-3 hours of homework every night. Made no sense to me. Anyway, that’s how I feel and I’m sticking to it. So there.

PS- After doing some research on this subject I found that this has been a growing trend in education for awhile now. Once again I was a man ahead of his time.

PPS- I’m also pretty sure I was one of the first to use rock music in the classroom during tests and stuff back in 1985. Now John Hopkins University is publishing articles about it. Boom.

You don’t have to say it. I know it’s a great headline. Anyway, check out the Caracara, man. Dude has a future in aerial photography.

The Sand Cat, also known as the Sand Dune Cat, is the only cat living mostly in true deserts. Amazingly, even adult Sand Cats look like adorable little kittens. This little dude is widely distributed in the deserts of North Africa, the Middle East and Central Asia. The Sand Cat inhabits both sandy and stony desert, in areas far away from water. It has really thickly furred feet and is tolerant of extremely hot temperatures. Believe it or not, Sand Cats can meow but can also yelp like a Chihuahua. That’s cool, man. They can also run 25-mph, which is speedy as hell. Oh, and Sand Cats are master diggers and can burrow like a boss. Anyhoo, Sand Cats.

Before we begin, let us simply recall the iconic opening to every episode of one of the most amazing TV shows of all-time, The Twilight Zone . . .

Yes, there were variations of the same opening, but you get the gist.

I recorded the Twilight Zone Marathon recently, and I just finished watching nearly 70-episodes. There were 156 total, but these were deemed some of the best. I learned a few things while watching, and the most striking of these was that Rod Serling got away with a lot of crazy and outrageous stuff.  More on that later.

I also learned that lots of stars and future stars were on the show. People like Mickey Rooney, William Shatner, Ron Howard, Burt Reynolds, Carol Burnett, Buster Keaton, Robert Redford, Dennis Hopper, Leonard Nimoy, Lee Marvin, and Don Rickles all guest starred. The décor – early 60’s Mad Men style.

Another aspect that stood out was the introductions and closing remarks by Serling. Just incredible writing. Here’s a sample:

Nobody else, and I mean nobody, could pull that off like Serling. Love it. Here’s a sample of one of his closing monologues:

Again, so well done.

It was also amazing how Serling touched on political issues of the day. Some episodes even touched on World War II and the treatment of Jews.  This was just 15-18 years after the war, and the scenes were brutal. They spoke of the experiments done on prisoners and everything. Pretty incredible for such a conservative era.

That said, I’ll now give you my 12 favorite Twilight Zone episodes. Let us commence . . .

Nightmare at 20,000 Feet

William Shatner (later to become Captain Kirk in Star Trek) stars in what might be the most famous and revered of all Twilight Zone episodes. He plays a man traveling aboard a commercial flight with his wife. He spots a monster on the wing, trying to damage it. He tries to alert the crew and other passengers to the potential danger lurking just outside his window seat. However, the clever being makes sure to fly out of view every time someone else peers through the glass, leaving Shatner to look foolish and delusional. In typical Twilight Zone fashion, the final shot is the killer. As Shatner is taken away on a stretcher, the camera pans away showing actual damage the monster has done to the wing. Awesome. On a related note, the shot where Shatner has closed the window, only to open it to see the monster’s face pressed against the window scared the bejesus out of me.

Note- Watching it now, the “monster” appears to have been created by a 5th grade art class. Still a classic episode.

Living Doll

This episode is always referred to as “Talking Tina” and it was the single scariest thing I’d ever seen in my life. Trust me, as a 6-year old this was just petrifying and life-altering to witness. I still hate dolls to this day because of this show. In this one Telly Savalas plays a man who isn’t a fan of his stepdaughter’s new “Talky Tina” doll, especially after the doll starts telling him she’s going to kill him. What follows is a twisted domestic drama powered by the actions of an evil toy. There have been dozens of TV shows and movies that have told stories about talking dolls since, but Rod Serling’s take is still the best by far. Believe me, I haven’t looked at a doll the same since.

The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street

Ah, another great one that asks the viewers to decide who the real monsters are, the alien invaders or their very own friends and neighbors? “Monsters” finds the residents of an unnamed town in a panic when they conclude an alien invasion is afoot, and it began because of a loud noise and a power outage. Rather than team up to combat the terror from beyond the stars, they succumb to paranoia and vigilante-like behavior, leading their invaders to conclude that the best way to destroy mankind is to let us do the deed ourselves. Rod Serling, who wrote the episode, summed it up best in the closing narration, making a social point as he often did:

“The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, and prejudices — to be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill. And suspicion can destroy. And a thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all its own – for the children, and the children yet unborn. And the pity of it is, that these things cannot be confined . . . to the Twilight Zone.”

Wow.

The Invaders

In this one, a poor impoverished woman (Agnes Moorehead, who went on to play the mother on Bewitched) lives alone in a rustic cabin. She is dressed shabbily, and there are no modern conveniences in evidence. After hearing a strange noise above her kitchen roof, she is attacked by small intruders that come from a miniature flying saucer that has landed on her rooftop. Two tiny figures about 6-inches high, which may be robots or beings wearing pressure suits, emerge from the craft. As a kid this was creepy as hell. Anyway, the small figures attack the woman, using small, pistol-like weapons that leave radiation burns on her skin, and, after following her into her cabin, slashing her ankle and hand with her own kitchen knife. The suspense builds as the woman searches for the invaders. She eventually destroys one, wrapping it in a blanket and beating it until it is still, then throwing it into the burning fireplace. She follows the other to the saucer-ship on her roof, which she proceeds to attack with a hatchet. From within the craft, she hears a voice speaking in English. These are the first words we’ve heard the whole episode, and the intruder knows he’s about to die. He then proceeds to frantically warn other potential visitors that the planet is inhabited by giants and they are impossible to defeat. Then comes the kicker. The camera pans slowly away to reveal the markings on the side of the ship, which reads U.S. Air Force Space Probe No. 1. You see, the invaders were human astronauts from Earth, and the woman in the small farmhouse belongs to a race of giant humanoids native to another planet. Another shocking ending.

The Bewitchin’ Pool

In my mind, one of most unforgettable of all the Twilight Zone episodes. A young girl and her little brother live in a beautiful suburban home, complete with a large swimming pool. Their parents are cold, short tempered, and forever fighting in front of their children. One day, a boy pops up from the deep end of their pool and invites them to follow him. Wait. What? The children then follow by diving underwater and surface in a beautiful countryside. It is simple and plain, and unlike their spectacular home. There are no adults except for a kindly woman who bakes desserts and offers kind words. The children go back home through the swimming pool because they’re worried that their parents have missed them. They break through the water to find that their neglectful parents haven’t even noticed that they were gone. The children return again to the idyllic countryside by diving through the pool, and this time, they stay. Their parents search for them in the pool, but never find them. The children remain happily ever after, cared for and loved, in this paradise. It wasn’t until I watched this episode as an adult that I saw that it could be perceived as legitimizing childhood suicide in response to bad parenting, and a child’s simple wish to get the hell away. No way this would be broadcast today.

The Hitch-Hiker

Another terrifying example of the plot twists Twilight Zone was known for. We begin with a young woman traveling alone cross country trip. She blows a tire and when she takes her car in for repairs, we get a hint that something is amiss when the mechanic tells her she should have called a hearse, not a car repair service. She drives on, but keeps seeing a man hitchhiking no matter how far she drives. Shaken, she finally stops and calls her mother, only to be told that her mother had a nervous breakdown when her daughter was killed in a car accident 6-days ago. She is in disbelief, but returns to her car, where the hitchhiker awaits her. She ultimately realizes that the hitchhiker is death, patiently waiting for her. What I see now that I didn’t see then is that you can’t outrun fate. In the unforgettable final scene, Nan returns to the car and looks in the vanity mirror on the visor. Instead of her reflection, she sees the hitchhiker. He looks at her and asks, “I believe you’re going my way?” Jeebus.

After Hours

There is another episode I can directly blame for one of my phobias and that is my fear of mannequins. In a department store, there is a 9th floor for no one else but the store’s mannequins. Once a month, they take turns living as humans in the real world. When their time is up, they return to the 9th floor, except for the day that Mannequin Marcy decides she likes being human too much and is not going back. My older and wiser take on it now? Serling was telling us that, sometimes, a small taste of honey is worse than none at all.

Time Enough at Last

What a great, great episode that is often ranked as the best Twilight Zone ever. Burgess Meredith stars as Henry Bemis — a man who just wants to get away from the everyday world and bury his nose in a good book. Henry gets his wish one day when the rest of humanity is wiped out in a nuclear attack. He soon discovers an untouched library — a place where he can read in peace for the rest of his existence. Thrilled with his discovery, Bemis settles in. As he gets ready to crack open his first book, the worst happens – he breaks his glasses. Virtually blind, Bemis is now stuck in a world with all the time and books he could ever want and no way to enjoy them. Damn you Rod Serling!

To Serve Man

Another classic. In this episode, mankind has seemingly found a kindly alien savior in the form of the Kanamits — a race of towering space travelers who are all too willing to help Earth get rid of the problems of hunger and war. But their personal manifesto, a book entitled To Serve Man, isn’t the guide for peace that everyone thought it to be. As the woman who figured it all out yells at the end of the episode, “It’s a cookbook! IT’S A COOKBOOK!” Ah, to serve man. It all made chilling sense in the end.

It’s a Good Life

Bill Mumy was absolutely terrifying as the 6-year-old Anthony Freemont, a boy with incredible psychic powers who holds everyone around him under his power. Little Anthony could simply think you out of existence for displeasing him. He was some sort of godlike child with the ability to read minds, make people disappear, mutate other living beings, and control the weather. The adults obviously tiptoe around the temperamental kid, but it never really matters, because he’s six, and six-year-olds aren’t particularly rational in the first place, amirite? Here’s Serling closing quote:

No comment here, no comment at all. We only wanted to introduce you to one of our very special citizens, little Anthony Fremont, age 6, who lives in a village called Peaksville in a place that used to be Ohio. And if by some strange chance you should run across him, you had best think only good thoughts. Anything less than that is handled at your own risk, because if you do meet Anthony, you can be sure of one thing – You have entered The Twilight Zone.”

The Eye of the Beholder

I watched this as a kid and it terrified me for weeks. A young woman undergoes surgery to improve her appearance and look like everyone else. She spends most of the episode swathed in head bandages as shadowy doctors and nurses talk around her. She’s terrified they won’t be able to make her beautiful. When the wraps are removed, the doctors proclaim the procedure a complete failure — but the audience sees the lovely Donna Douglas and wonders what the holy hell they’re talking about. It all becomes clear when the doctors and nurses are revealed. In one of the most memorable Twilight Zone endings of all time, the docs and nurses all look like some sort of mutant pigs. “Eye of the Beholder” indeed.

Long Distance Call

This episode frightened me so much that I promised myself I would never see it again. I lied. After his grandmother dies, a little boy is mysteriously given a phone. On this phone, only calls from his deceased grandmother can come through. Grandma then tries to convince Little Billy to kill himself to join her. And so he tries, several times in several ways. I can say without a doubt that today, this storyline encouraging childhood suicide would never be allowed to be aired. Just normal prime time entertainment for the Twilight Zone, though.

So there ya go, my personal favorite Twilight Zone episodes. What are yours? Let’s hear it!

One of their most beautiful songs.

Remember a couple days ago when I posted a photo of that doofus who stuck his bare feet between the seats in front of him on the plane? Remember when I said he was awful and a terrible person to sit by while traveling? Turns out the woman in front of that guy was lucky. Yep. Coulda been worse. She could have been this lady . . .

Runnerup goes to this dude. Jeebus.

I picture him exactly like this.

So awhile back I posted about a tasty new Doritos offering being banned in the USA and Britain for being too spicy. The blog was entitled “And the Wussification Continues: Spicy Doritos Banned In USA, Now Britain”. I beseech you to click on that link before proceeding.

Anyhoo, I received an interesting response from a British bro, and he wasn’t happy. Oh, I get nasty comments from time-to-time so it wasn’t that big of a deal, but I found this one to be particularly humorous. Without further ado, here’s the response, from some dude named JimsEvilTwin:

Absolutely agree with you, the more Americans that choke the better. My dad’s friend owned a 15th century country pub and an American visitor ordered some lunch, including a beef sandwich. He proceeded to put a thick coat of English mustard on it and was warned “careful that is English mustard, you won’t be able to eat it like that”, to which the American replied boastfully “Hey I’m used to American mustard”, he then took a bite from his sandwich and almost choked to death (he received medical attention). It was pretty hilarious. English Mustard is several times stronger than the American crap but Yank egos are too bloated to understand such things. ‘American’ means best, hottest, biggest everything to them, in reality it generally means poor quality, mass produced rubbish!

Wow. Hot take from my British follower there. Hell, he wants us all to choke. That’s just rude. Seriously, man, this dude has to take a deep breath and take a step back. So an American thought he could handle your hot mustard and he couldn’t. Big deal. He is but one American. Why the hatred toward all of us? Still a little touchy because my man George Washington and his boys kicked your ass back in the day? And doth you forget the whole little misunderstanding with Hitler and the Nazis, they from which we saved your asses? Methinks my mate needs to chillax. Perhaps he is simply knackered from eating Fish & Chips all day. At any rate, I am gobsmacked by his response.*

Don’t make us come over there and kick your ass again, Rupert or Clive or whatever the hell your real name is. Have a bloody good evening!

*The British slang terms website is a fun site to visit.

 

So a friend of mine from the Eastern Seaboard told me an amazing story recently about an amusement park in New Jersey that was open from 1978 to 1996. It was called Action Park, and to say this place was dangerous would be an understatement of the highest order. 6-people died at the park in 18-years, and average of 1 every 3 years, and the injuries were in the hundreds if not thousands.

The park is legendary amongst Jersey folk, and people like my friend are proud to say they survived it. In researching the park I came across this quote from a man who attended as a kid:

It was almost like our Vietnam. It was like another step in the quest to manhood. Guys would come back and they’d just have these stories of terror. One kid I knew had a broken ankle — he was on a ride that caught on fire and he had to jump off.”

Good God.

This hellhole was also known as, among other things, “Traction Park” “Accident Park” and “Class Action Park,” and you’ll soon see why. What follows are real stories and tidbits regarding the Death Trap known as Action Park:

In 1979 Action Park opened one of the first wave pools in the country. On its first day open it was estimated over 100 swimmers had to be rescued from the wave pool. Park officials attributed this to a lack of experience in the pool by park goers, because of course they did. A staff of 12 Red Cross certified lifeguards were on duty at all times, and numbers as high as 30 saves per lifeguard per day were recorded. Tragically there were 3 confirmed deaths in the wave pool.

In 1985 the park opened a slide called The Cannonball Loop. Take a look at this monster:

Kid looked like he was going about 80-mph.

 

Remember that this is a slippery slide, not a coaster. Kids went through this without safety gear. Sweet Jesus that looks dangerous. Also fun. And get this – during testing of the Cannonball Loop dummies were sent down and they were decapitated. The attraction was adjusted until the dummies came through with heads intact and then park employees were offered $100 to test it out themselves. Thankfully, no one died on this monstrosity but some people did become stuck. Before it was finally closed for good a trap door was installed into the loop to retrieve riders that became stuck in the top of the loop. The first summer it opened it had 110 reported injuries, including 30-fractures and 45-head injuries. Good times!

At one point they opened up a skate park in Action Park. It was open for only one summer season before they deemed it too dangerous and it was shut down. They were so scared that people would use it after hours that they plowed over it with dirt and set up a picnic area on top of it. Dangerous indeed.

The infamous Cliff Dive was very cold, and also very deep. Legend has it that the bottom of the 40-foot pool had to be repainted white one summer because lifeguards were unable to see drowning swimmers against the black floor. Insanity, man. Check it out:

It’s a fact that 911 calls were so frequent at Action Park (an estimated 5-10 trips per day) that the owner of the park purchased additional ambulances for the township of Vernon, NJ. Hey, that’s a civic-minded man right there.

Shockingly but not really, Action Park had some difficulty in retaining their insurers. Since they could not legally operate without insurance they set up their own fake company in the Cayman Islands. Owner Eugene Mulvihill pleaded guilty to setting up the company, copped a plea, got 3-years probation, and paid $300,000 in fines. He was supposed to sell the resort but, incredibly, he never did.

One of the biggest problems at Action Park was its employees. Legally you needed to be 16-years old to operate a ride in New Jersey, which already seems a tad young. However, Action Park had many employees as young as 14-years old. That’s not the most amazing fact I read though – it seems it was not uncommon for operators of all ages to be on duty with cans of beer in their hands. What could possibly go wrong, man?

Employees would often use park attractions after hours, and believe it or not they didn’t always operate them properly. One thing they would do was shove tennis balls into the speed governors of the cars at their Motorworld Speedway, a section of Action Park. The governors were designed to limit the speed of the vehicle to 20-mph, but after the tampering they could reach speeds as high as 50-mph. Of course, sometimes they’d forget (or not) and leave the tennis balls in, then sit back and watch the hilarity that ensued as an 8-year old kid drove a miniature car 50-mph around a little track. Oh, and by the way, without a helmet.

Helmets schmelmets.

One of the parks biggest and most dangerous attractions was the notorious Alpine Slide. The slide was a sloped and swerving cart ride. The track was built out of fiber glass, and riders would roll down in flimsy carts with no protection, using a defective handbrake as their only means of control. Riders would often get scrapes and burns on the fiberglass. In fact, friction burns were so common that paramedics would be waiting at the bottom of the slide. And burns were not the only danger – despite the crack team of underage and possibly drunk park employees manning the ride, slow riders were often in danger of being rammed from behind by the next set of riders. Unsurprisingly, Action Park’s first recorded death occurred when an after hours park employee flew off of the Alpine Slide and hit his head on a rock, killing him instantly.

Weee! Uh-oh.

One of the reasons Action Park stayed open was because they actually had an on-site infirmary. Unless you had a broken bone you wouldn’t go to the hospital and your injuries wouldn’t be reported. That’s either ingenious or insane, but probably a combination of both.

Here’s a good tidbit. In 1982, owner Mulvihill told a New Jersey newspaper that his park is “gonna be better than Disney World!” That same year a 15-year-old drowned in the Wave Pool and a week later a 27-year-old was electrocuted on a ride called the Kayak Experience. True story.

What can I say, man? We were tougher back then I guess? Seriously, I talk about the Wussification of America more than anyone but Good God this place was wild, insane and all sorts of crazy.

In other words, just the kind of place my friends and I would’ve loved.

When Blackbeard captured the ship that would become Queen Anne’s Revenge, there were 455 African slaves aboard. Many of the Africans chose to become pirates rather than become slaves. At the time of Blackbeard’s death, 1/3 of his crew were former slaves.

 

It’s about to go down, man.

Totes adorbs.

Once again, nobody writes headlines like me. You’re welcome.

Police are hunting for a man who attacked five people with a chainsaw in the Swiss town of Schaffhausen. Franz Wrousis is alleged to have launched his assault at a health insurance office shortly after 10:30 local time (08:30 GMT). The attack sparked a manhunt involving more than 100 officers from both Switzerland and Germany. Police say the 51-year-old, who lives in the woods, is dangerous and believed to be still armed with the chainsaw. His exact motives are still not clear, but police Major Ravi Landolt told a news conference: “This is not an attack against a hypothetical person. This is clearly against people from the insurer.”

Whew. Glad Franz Wrousis was only going after a “hypothetical person” and not, you know, an “actual person.” Sure that meant a lot to the folks getting attacked by a man with a freaking chainsaw. But hey, you’d be a little edgy too if every time you had to fill in the address box on every freaking form you ever signed as “the woods.” Bummer, man. And I wonder how long it took the po-po to figure out they’d better list this guy as “dangerous.” Guess the chainsaw had something to do with that.

Anyhoo, just remember, kids. Chainsaws don’t kill people. People kill people.

PS- Is this his mug shot? Way to keep it simple, Switzerland.

This is the face you have when you sleep in a pile of leaves every night.

Cool.