Man With History of ‘Deviant Sex Acts’ with Vegetables Sentenced to Life in Prison

Dreaming of kumquats.

NEW BRAUNFELS, TX (WCMH) – A Texas man with a history of sex acts involving vegetables was sentenced to life in prison Wednesday.

San Antonio Express-News reports Charles Ransier was sentenced to life in prison on charges of drug possession and tampering with evidence.

Ransier was charged after a Texas state trooper found him sitting in a pickup truck with meth-filled syringes, male enhancement pills, children’s clothing, rope, Barbie dolls, balloons, and a cooler of frozen cucumbers, the paper reported.

He was only wearing a pair of jeans and had melted candle wax on his chest, the Austin American-Statesman reported.

It was not Ransier’s first arrest involving a vegetable. In 2014, Ransier was arrested near a baseball field while “engaging in a deviant sex act” with a vegetable while wearing women’s stockings. And in 2012, he was found naked alongside a road committing a sex act “involving a squash.”

Listen, they may be going a little tough on Charles Ransier here. I mean, who hasn’t been caught sitting in a pickup truck with meth-filled syringes, male enhancement pills, children’s clothing, rope, Barbie dolls, balloons, and a cooler of frozen cucumbers while wearing only a pair of jeans and candle wax on their chest? That’s a normal Tuesday afternoon for most Texans, amirite? And hey, engaging in a deviant sex act with a vegetable while wearing women’s stockings or being found naked alongside a road while committing a sex act involving a squash? Nobody hurt here. Well, maybe the squash but still.

Seriously though, Charles Ransier? Batshit crazy, man.