Archive for June, 2017

Fresno, CA- When 22-year old Sidney Rollins called in to brag to KRDU Radio in Fresno about his awesome “Get Out of  Argument Free” card/birthday present from his wife, he was shocked to be mocked and derided on both radio and the internet. “I thought it was about the coolest gift She could give me. I’m not sure what people are thinking. Just cynical I guess.” 

Sidney, Sidney, Sidney. Oh, my young, naive, impressionable, wife-whipped little man. Do you really believe you’re going to be in the middle of a fight, whip out that card, and suddenly your wife smiles, takes it, and says, “OK honey. Fight over”? B-W-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A!!! Sidney, here’s what will happen. You’ll come home one night after being out 20-minutes too late, or maybe you’ll forget to take out the trash, and she’ll start in on you. You’ll quickly bust out the card, holding it up like a cross  in front of a vampire. Then except instead of shrieking and backing away, she’ll rip it from your hands, tear it to shreds and increase her anger level x 10. Then she’ll back you into the wall and rip your throat out.

Don’t use that card Sidney. Don’t ever use that card.

PS- How perfect is it that this guy’s name is Sidney? Pure comedy.

PPS- Did you catch the qualifier there? Especially if it’s a “stupid argument”? And that will ultimately be her call. This will end poorly, man.

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“Honey, somebody’s at the door!”

Dreaming of kumquats.

NEW BRAUNFELS, TX (WCMH) – A Texas man with a history of sex acts involving vegetables was sentenced to life in prison Wednesday.

San Antonio Express-News reports Charles Ransier was sentenced to life in prison on charges of drug possession and tampering with evidence.

Ransier was charged after a Texas state trooper found him sitting in a pickup truck with meth-filled syringes, male enhancement pills, children’s clothing, rope, Barbie dolls, balloons, and a cooler of frozen cucumbers, the paper reported.

He was only wearing a pair of jeans and had melted candle wax on his chest, the Austin American-Statesman reported.

It was not Ransier’s first arrest involving a vegetable. In 2014, Ransier was arrested near a baseball field while “engaging in a deviant sex act” with a vegetable while wearing women’s stockings. And in 2012, he was found naked alongside a road committing a sex act “involving a squash.”

Listen, they may be going a little tough on Charles Ransier here. I mean, who hasn’t been caught sitting in a pickup truck with meth-filled syringes, male enhancement pills, children’s clothing, rope, Barbie dolls, balloons, and a cooler of frozen cucumbers while wearing only a pair of jeans and candle wax on their chest? That’s a normal Tuesday afternoon for most Texans, amirite? And hey, engaging in a deviant sex act with a vegetable while wearing women’s stockings or being found naked alongside a road while committing a sex act involving a squash? Nobody hurt here. Well, maybe the squash but still.

Seriously though, Charles Ransier? Batshit crazy, man.

Sometimes people just want to change because they believe change is good. Or perhaps, in this case, they want to sell more college sports hats and sweatshirts and whatnot. Anywho, UNLV, who heretofore had a perfectly good logo, decided to commission a new one. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Here’s the old logo:

Pretty straightforward, amirite? Nice bold letters and a bro with a hat and really big mustache underneath. They’ve replaced that logo with this. Behold, the new logo:

I swear to God I had to look at that for 10-minutes before I saw the guy with the mustache. And once I saw it I could’ve sworn his ear was exploding. And is his chin on a pillow? Or a bobsled? Oh, and a lot of people are saying they see a space frog. I’m so confused. Change? Not necessarily good.

Bird on a mission.

Listen, there is NO WAY this kid wasn’t messing around up there on that ride. How fast was that Gondola going, like a mile per hour? She had to be goofing off, amirite? Unsnapped her seatbelt and was showing off or something? Maybe breakdancing, doing a handstand or something of that nature? The press is covering this as a feel-good story, and it was cool that the crowd caught her, but nobody is pointing out the obvious, that the kid was either incredibly stupid, reckless, or both. I want the truth, people!

This is gold, Jerry. GOLD. But here’s what I don’t get about Donnie. He won. He’s the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Why in God’s name would he sit in the White House tweeting to morning talk show hosts about the time he turned them down at a New Year’s Eve party?  How in the world can he be that thin-skinned and petty? Just blows my mind. On the other hand, damn it’s entertaining. Keep being you, President Trump. Keep being you.

The Battle of Gettysburg was the costliest battle of the Civil War, with 51,112 casualties. By comparison, there were 58,220 American deaths during the entire Vietnam War.

 

About Sparky

Posted: June 27, 2017 in Animals, Pets, Things I Love
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Sparky, also known as “Sparky the Wonder Dog” or “The Avian Avenger,” joined Shoe on June 27th, 2012 after living for about 4-years in Kentucky. Sparky was asked to leave the Commonwealth after being implicated in a chicken massacre in which he has steadfastly denied involvement.

Since his arrival in Ohio, Sparky has proven himself to be a fun, intelligent, loyal, and non-bloodthirsty companion. He has made several friends and is now considered a resident of Ohio in good standing.

Sparky likes chasing balls, rabbits, small running children, and anything with wings. He also enjoys eating cheese balls, french fries, cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets. His dislikes include anything that runs, anything with feathers, and hobos.

Sparky’s many talents include catching those cheese balls from incredible distances and having a vertical leap of approximately 9.5 feet. He also catches houseflies by mouth on a consistent basis and once leaped from a moving car in an effort to catch and kill a squirrel.

His dream is to someday catch a bird in flight, hopefully a seagull, or make solid contact with a beggar’s throat through the car window as we roll by on the street.

Sparky insists that any connection between his hatred of winged creatures, love of chicken nuggets, and the accusations in Kentucky are purely coincidental.

Seriously, Ugly Dog Contest people? You think Martha here is ugly? You, sirs, are idiots. Martha is beautiful. Oh sure, you can pull on her jowls and make fun of her, but gorgeous she still remains.

And hey, although I love dogs I’m not one of those guys who think all dogs are beautiful. Some are decidedly not, like these guys:

Still, they’re sorta cute in their own, quirky way. But Martha? Give me a break, man.

Yeah, we’ve known for awhile.

Space.com – Many other planets throughout the universe probably hosted intelligent life long before Earth did, a new study suggests.

The probability of a civilization developing on a potentially habitable alien planet would have to be less than one in 10 billion trillion for humanity to be the first technologically advanced species the cosmos has ever known, according to the study.

“To me, this implies that other intelligent, technology-producing species very likely have evolved before us,” said lead author Adam Frank, a professor of physics and astronomy at the University of Rochester in New York.

Gee, ya think? Listen, I don’t know how much money was wasted on this “study”, but I could have told them this when I was 8-years old. My cousin Mel and I figured that out when we used to camp out on the ground in my back yard, man. You now how we figured it out? We looked up at the stars, and what we surmised was that space is big. Really big. No way we were alone in our own universe, much less whatever the hell else is out there. End of study. We’d lie there and think about it for awhile, then we’d get scared and go back in the house. Anywho, scientists, man. Just wasting money like you read about.

Ted Landsmark was a young attorney in Boston back in 1976 when he came upon a group of young white protesters from South Boston. The group had just been riled up by an anti-busing speech by City Councilor Louise Day Hicks, who was opposed to court ordered busing that would require blacks and whites to attend school together. The result is an attempted stabbing with the symbol of freedom, the American flag.

During the Civil War, Robert E. Lee’s horse Traveller became so famous that his mane and tail became thin from people plucking the hair as souvenirs.

 

One of the great songs of the early 90’s.

Check out that Asian Sheepshead Wrasse, man. Dude looks like the guy in that movie Mask back in the 80’s. Seriously, click on that link. Not even kidding. The Asian sheepshead wrasse is a species of wrasse, because of course it is. It’s one of the largest wrasses native to the western Pacific Ocean. It inhabits rocky reefs, because really, who’d want to go out with that mug? It can reach 39-inches in length. This species is valued as a food fish in Japan, which is sort of sad. Anywho, Asian Sheepshead Wrasse. 

PS- Check out the video at the bottom about an Asian Sheepshead Wrasse and his buddy. Awesome stuff.

If you have an in-ground pool you know how little animals are always getting in there, only to die and end up in your skimmer. Now those days can come to end thanks to the FrogLog, an invention by a guy named Rich Mason. Check it out man. Buy a FrogLog, save many little lives. As Hippocrates said, “The soul is the same in all living creatures, although the body of each is different.”

[click to view, video below]

So Markelle Fultz was drafted in the #1 spot last night by the Philadelphia 76ers, and all the talking heads were blathering on about the fact that his college team, the Washington Huskies, only won 9-games last year. Sure, that’s a concern, but nobody mentioned the other elephant in the room – Markelle Fultz wears two watches. Man, that’s such an outrageous move I’m not sure what to think. Who needs two watches? That’s just insane, man. Makes me question his judgement and, dare I say, his intelligence. Take a gander.

Makes no sense on any level. However, he redeemed himself somewhat with these sweet shoes that are made from, wait for it . . . basketballs. Atta boy Markelle.

“Not so fast, fish boys.”

NP– The orcas will wait all day for a fisherman to accumulate a catch of halibut, and then deftly rob them blind. They will relentlessly stalk individual fishing boats, sometimes forcing them back into port. Most chilling of all, and this is new: After decades of relatively peaceful coexistence with cod and halibut fishers off the coast of Alaska, the region’s orcas appear to be turning on them in greater numbers.“We’ve been chased out of the Bering Sea,” said Paul Clampitt, Washington State-based co-owner of the F/V Augustine. Like many boats, the Augustine has tried electronic noisemakers to ward off the animals, but the orcas simply got used to them. “It became a dinner bell,” said Clampitt. John McHenry, owner of the F/V Seymour, described orca pods near Alaska’s Aleutian Islands as being like a “motorcycle gang.” “You’d see two of them show up, and that’s the end of the trip. Pretty soon all 40 of them would be around you,” he said.

I already knew Orcas were the Badasses of the Sea. Hey, I saw that documentary where that pod of Orcas went hunting and eating Great White sharks just for kicks and giggles. But gathering and bullying fishermen? That’s chilling, man. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times, once the animals figure it out we’re all doomed. We’ve been bullying them for years, making them work and putting them in cages to gawk at for our pleasure. Now the tables are starting to turn. Pretty soon it’s gonna be Planet of the Apes, Eight Legged Freaks, The Birds, Willard, and Razorback all rolled into one. Good thing I have Sparky to vouch for me.

PS- Love the quote about the sounds becoming a dinner bell. Orcas, man.

PPS- If you haven’t seen Razorback do so immediately. The opening scene is terrifying.

McMillan TAC-50

A Canadian sniper set what appears to be a record, picking off an ISIS fighter from some 2.2 miles away, and disrupting a potentially deadly operation by the terror group in Iraq.

Shooting experts say the fatal shot at a world-record distance of 11,316 feet underscores how stunningly sophisticated military snipers are becoming. The feat, pulled off by a special forces sniper from Canada’s Joint Task Force 2, smashed the previous distance record for successful sniper shots by some 3,280 feet, a record set by a British sniper.

“The Canadian Special Operations Command can confirm that a member of the Joint Task Force 2 successfully hit a target from 3,540 metres [2.2 miles],” the Canadian military said in a statement.

The new record was set using a McMillan TAC-50, a .50-caliber weapon and the largest shoulder-fired firearm in existence.

The sniper’s spotter would have had to successfully calculate five factors: distance, wind, atmospheric conditions and the speed of the earth’s rotation at their latitude. To get the atmospheric conditions just right, he would have had to understand the temperature, humidity and barometric pressure of the air the round had to travel through.

Are you f**king kidding me? I’m pretty sure the only record I hold is fitting 47 Cheez-Its into my mouth at once, and this dude is taking out ISIS assholes from 2.2 miles after considering distance, wind, atmospheric conditions, the speed of the earth’s rotation and the barometric pressure of the air the round had to travel through? Good God, man. That’s intense. Terrorist was probably sitting there eating some hummus and boom, life over. Well done, Canadian sniper. Well done indeed.

Larry Bird was incredible. He hit shots unseen by anyone prior to his existence. One night he dropped 60 on the Atlanta Hawks and even their bench was impressed. Watch, children, and be amazed.

Here’s The Donald just committing the cardinal sin of cruising across a golf course green like a boss, which incidentally he is because he owns the course. Then he tops it off by cruising over to a couple bros and bragging about the security on his course because it’s blanketed by the secret service: “Best security in the history of golf.” That’s gold. But the best part is when he casually gives them a knuckle-bump and rolls away. I tell ya, on some level you gotta respect the man’s brashness. Dude doesn’t give a damn what anyone thinks.

PS- You’d be amazed how many people get offended by posts like this. I’ll get all sorts of threats for this one. But I’m actually sort of admiring this move, right? Trumpians are way too thin-skinned, man.

PPS- Somebody said he’s just in front of the green. Damn, I hope not. That would ruin everything.

George Clooney is selling his tequila company Casamigos to Diageo for as much as $1 billion, the company said Wednesday.

Diageo said it will initially pay $700 million, with the potential for another $300 million based on the tequila’s performance over 10 years. The transaction is expected to close during the second half of 2017.

“If you asked us four years ago if we had a billion dollar company, I don’t think we would have said yes,” Clooney told CNBC via email. “This reflects Diageo’s belief in our company and our belief in Diageo. But we’re not going anywhere. We’ll still be very much a part of Casamigos. Starting with a shot tonight. Maybe two.”

It’s great to see George Clooney finally catching a break, huh? Dude’s struggled through life being an incredibly handsome movie star, dating models and hanging out with DiCaprio on yachts and whatnot. Now he’s selling a tequila company he started 4-years ago for $1-Billion, followed up by a couple shots.

Clooney, man. I’d hate that guy if I didn’t admire him so much.

 

The 80’s were a simpler time. You know, back when TV shows like Growing Pains had characters named “Boner” and nobody gave it a second thought.* When we watched a show about an furry alien named “Alf” who had an affinity for eating cats and thought it was hilarious. When David Hasselhoff rode around in a car that was way smarter than he was. You get the drift. Anyway, it should come as no surprise that a bro would want to get a tattoo of his favorite lovable, family values icon of the era.

Oops.

*I just found out that the guy who played Boner in Growing Pains committed suicide in Canada back in 2010. Man, that’s sad. 

From time-to-time my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied likes to post some of the latest fashion trends and throw in our 2¢. Don’t believe me? Just type in the word “fashion” in that search box over there and have a look-see. Anywho, our head Fashion Consultant Yuki Fukumodo brought in some photos of some of the hottest trends out there today, and I must say they beg for our attention and commentary. Let us commence with the festivities . . .

Remember the fake muddy pants I showed you a few weeks ago? Same concept here. And guess what? Still dumb.

These are called Ugg Sandals. Don’t you wear boots to keep your feet warm and dry? Aren’t open-toed boots defeating the actual purpose of boots? I’m so confused.

Man, these things have to be a nightmare for ladies with love handles, amirite? Stuff be poppin’ out all over the place up in here. Seriously, that’s not a good look, man.

Oh for the love of God. Now they’re just messing with us. “Hey, let’s cut up some old sweats, attach them with clamps and see if people will buy them.” Guess what? People will.

Perfect for people who want to ride their horse to the beach and sink their toes in the sand. Geesh. On a related note, the tan lines would be outrageous.

Perfect for the woman who has an extra 10-minutes to buckle-up her Elbow Purse.

Honestly, were out of ideas so we’re just reaching now, right? Just making stuff up right and left and expecting people to eat it up. The sad part is, some people will.