Archive for August, 2013

Q: Anything interesting happen today, honey?

A: Not really. Oh wait. A boulder the size of a house missed my car by a foot.

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Because watching other people being stupid and getting hurt will make you feel better about yourself!

Good stuff.

The greatest 16-minutes in rock history.

You Caught That HOW?

SHELF:TB

And yes, there’s only one F in Double Stuf Oreos. See that picture right there? Anyway, my fact checkers here on my crack staff at Shoe: Untied World Headquarters (SUWHQ) always quadruple check for accuracy.

Anyhow, check out this waste of time and money article and then read my observations at the end.

DOUBLE STUF OREOS MISSING STUF

Scandal ensues.

Double Stuf Oreos do not actually contain twice the stuf as normal Oreos, CNN  reports.

Thanks to the tireless efforts of a math class at a high school in upstate New York, we’ve finally been able to get hold of the truth. We all know that the Stuf is the main part of the Oreo, and that the choice between the not-fantastic cookies and the creamy center is an obvious one.

Leave it to the children—innocent as they were—who probably only wanted to assure themselves that Nabisco was indeed delivering the double stuf  promised on the box, to solve the mystery nobody else had the audacity to tackle. Nabisco is being very glib about the findings, sending a spokesperson to announce that the cookies do indeed contain twice as much, even though the math class found that it contained only 1.86 times as much stuf as regular Oreos. Last time we  checked, double wasn’t an approximation, but a mathematical phrase signifying  “twice as much.” (more…)

Warren

Warren Cassell Jr.

You are about to meet an amazing and incredible young man. I first met my friend Warren Cassell, Jr. in Montserrat back in 2010 and was immediately impressed, as you will soon be. Only 14-years old, Warren recently published a book entitled The Farm of Wisdom this past summer. And that’s not all this young man had accomplished so far in his young life.

From Warren’s bio:

Warren is a teenage entrepreneur with a business and investment portfolio ranging from media and finance to Internet and technology. He is a full time secondary school student residing in Montserrat and currently holds a first degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do.

Warren can be called living proof of the fact that anyone with a vision, determination and dedication can achieve great success.

But on to the interview . . .

(more…)

Sparky & Snickers

Posted: August 27, 2013 in Animals, Pets, Sparky
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My great-niece Allee has asked me if I’d be a foster parent to her cat Snickers while she goes away to college. So, I took Sparky over to see how they got along. To my utter shock, this happened . . .

Sparky not only became immediately attached, he acted like a protective parent or something.

Hilarious.

SparkSnick

Larry Sanders plays for the NBA’s Milwaukee Bucks. Larry Sanders just got a fresh new tattoo. Larry Sanders posted a photo of his tattoo on Facebook. My 4th grade teacher,  Mrs. Gray, would not approve.

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Miley, please stop.

Posted: August 26, 2013 in Assclowns, WTF?
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What has happened to Hannah Montana?

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And the Will Smith family reaction says it all:

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Several thoughts come to mind here:

1. Man, that’s a cute baby goat.

2. I want a baby goat, but I worry that Sparky would be having mutton for dinner when my back was turned.

3. That dog is not impressed with the baby goat. He’s like, “Wake up bro. that’s a mirror.”

4. People have pet goats?

Good dude.

O-H!

Posted: August 25, 2013 in Sports, Things I Love
Tags: ,

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Seriously, I’m no expert but Domata Peko may not have the size to compete in this league.

Looks happy for a little fella though.

That did not go as planned.

So out in L.A. (where else?) there’s a popular new restaurant somebody recently opened. It’s apparently the “in” thing and get this – it’s a “Water Restaurant” with a 45-page Water Menu!

If you look at the menu below you can see that bottles sell for anywhere from $10 to $20.

Good Lord.

And to think I survived all those years as a kid drinking water from our garden hose for free.

Might be OK with a little vodka I suppose.

 
denver boone.jpg

I’m offended by his lifeless, piercing eyes.

 

My comments follow the article.

By Perry Chiaramonte

Is a cartoon-like college mascot reminiscent of Daniel Boone — right down to the legendary coonskin cap — racist, sexist or otherwise offensive?

Officials at the University of Denver seem to think so. They’ve announced they won’t reinstate “Denver Boone,” who was retired in 1998 as mascot for the UD Pioneers, despite calls to bring him back.

Boone originally had been replaced by a red-tailed hawk named “Ruckus” but the bird never soared high with the student body and was scrapped in 2007, leaving the school without a mascot. Fast forward and the school decided to put together a committee last spring to determine the new mascot, but Boone was not even considered.

“Boone was a polarizing figure that did not reflect the growing diversity of  the UD community, but rather was an image that many women, persons of color, international students and faculty members found difficult to relate to as defining the pioneering spirit,” Chancellor Robert Coombe said in a March letter  to the school community.

The image of  Denver Boone was originally designed by a Walt Disney artist and named by a UD student back in 1968.

The cartoony figure, which sports a scruffy beard and a raccoon skin cap, is reminiscent of the Daniel Boone character from the 1950s TV show based on the real-life pioneer.

Boone was a legend of early American history and the archetypal hero of the American Western Frontier.

Later, his image and legend fell victim to revisionist history as he became associated with the forceful displacement of Native Americans from their land.

You know, I swear to God I’m running out of things to say. For the life of me I cannot understand why that little hockey playing trapper dude could offend anybody. You know, other than the fact that his shark-like, beady eyes stare straight into your soul.

I mean, I can see how raccoons might be offended but that about covers it.

But sexist? And he’s “difficult to relate to as defining the pioneering spirit”?

Huh?

Good stuff.

Good God.

I shoulda stayed home today.

Posted: August 22, 2013 in Life, Things I Hate
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Yeah, the big guy was trying to tell me something when I left the house first thing this morning.

Why the hell didn’t I listen?

The plan was to have a relaxing day. I’d cruise up to C-Bus, stop at the casino and see if my amazing luck could continue, maybe do a little shopping, have lunch with an old friend.

Yeah, not so much.

As I said, somebody up there was trying to give me a hint when I walked out my back door to walk Sparky and fell down the steps.  This wasn’t a little trip, mind you. My heel caught on the top step and I went down hard, right on the cement patio. My shoulder felt like a crocodile had bitten it, but I shook it off.

Plus, I didn’t land on Spark, so there’s that.

Thinking it was a fluke accident and not realizing what was to come, I soldiered on. As I headed north, I thought I’d stop at the Marathon Station for an Amp and a bag of Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips, also known as the Breakfast of Champions. As I was walking up to the cashier, though, I dropped the chips. Now that I think about it there’s a possibility it had something to do with my damaged left shoulder. No big deal, but as I bent down to pick them up a passing young lady stepped on the bag and it blew up like somebody had set off an M-80 inside the bag. Aside from raining Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips all over the store, the sound frightened several people including an old lady at the counter who shrieked and a construction worker getting some coffee who may or may not have wet himself.

But hey, they comped the chips so I was good to go.

Or so I thought.

Approximately 30-seconds later as I was passing Unioto school, I noticed they were having what appeared to be a fire drill. You know, kids lined up in the parking lot, teachers standing around looking irritated, stuff like that. Anyway, as I glanced at the school for 2-seconds it gave the jackass in front me time to, for some ungodly reason, stop. Is there a law I don’t know about that says you have to stop when you see a school having a fire drill? I didn’t think so. At that point I lay on my horn, tires squealing, coming to a stop about and inch and a half from the guy’s rear bumper. Then I look over to see about 100 elementary kids staring at me, mouths agape. Mr. Bad Driver gives me a friendly wave and moves on but not before yelling a greeting to his kid in the parking lot.

At this point you’d think I’d have the good sense to turn back home, crawl into bed and start sucking my thumb. Instead, I rolled on. I still wasn’t getting the hint.

I arrived at the casino and immediately headed for the video poker section, where I picked a machine and took a seat. When I go, I always take an amount I’d be comfortable losing, and when that’s gone I’m out of there. No visits to the ATM for me. S-o-o-o-o, I sat down at 11:08 AM, and by 11:48 AM I was done. Empty pockets. I mean, hell, even when you lose you can usually make it last awhile, hitting a few hands here and there.

Not me, not today.

After all that had happened I was on high alert on the drive home, and sure enough, as I was driving down 270 an 18-wheeler swerved towards me to get to the I-71 exit, forcing me completely off the road and into the grass where I missed the exit sign by what approximately 7 centimeters.

I swear I now sort of felt like one of those people on Final Destination where they knew they were going to die but didn’t know how it was going to happen. I had j-u-s-t a small case of the heebies.

Rather than crawl into the ditch and call a cab, I inched back onto the highway and decided to take 23 south home, as curvy 104 didn’t seem like the best idea. This I did, driving 55, hands at 10 and 2, and head on a swivel all the way.

When I got home I was just thankful my house hadn’t burned down, but I’m still holding my breath until midnight.

Next time I fall out my back door I’m taking the hint. I’m getting back up, dusting myself off, and going back to bed.

Yeah, apparently small business owners in Brazil don’t take kindly to thieves, and justice is swift.

Speechless.

Posted: August 21, 2013 in Great Photographs, Inspiration
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Ladies and gentlemen, this is Christie Brinkley. She is 59-years old.

Thank you and goodnight.

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Sigh. Here we go again. Political Correctness run amok. A father and son go to a pro football game, father wants to take a picture, asks 15-year old son to hold his beer, Ballpark Nazis show up and toss him out of the stadium.

Why in the world wouldn’t they just listen to his explanation, nod their heads understandingly, shake his hand and leave? Oh, yeah, that’s common sense. Way too much to ask.

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That was an awkward title. Sorry. Per usual, my thoughts follow the article.

NBC – An employee at a Shelton Cumberland Farms was critically injured while trying to stop thieves from stealing two signs featuring actor David Hasselhoff. According to police, a black SUV pulled into the parking lot of the Cumberland Farms at 819 River Road around 1:15 a.m. on Tuesday. A 36-year-old worker noticed a man get out of the SUV and cut down two poster boards with Hasselhoff on them from a light pole and put them in the back of the vehicle. The employee approached the SUV to try and get the signs back and the driver sped away, dragging the victim and throwing him to the ground. The employee, who has not been identified, flipped backwards and landed on his head, police said. He is listed in critical condition at Bridgeport Hospital.

Listen, you can stop in at the Shelton Cumberland Farms store and shoplift a block of cheese, a gallon of milk or even walk out with one of their special Farmhouse Blend Coffees (now available on ice). But never, ever try and swipe one of their David Hasselhoff signs from the parking lot or you will be thwarted.

But seriously, this cat has to be the greatest employee ever and deserves a hefty raise. You know, assuming he lives. I mean, how many people would have just stood behind the counter and said, “Well, there goes our David Hasselhoff 99-cent Farmhouse Blend Iced Coffee sign.” Me for one, especially if I was making minimum wage and working the late shift, but that’s just me.

In addition, if he doesn’t get a personal visit from Mr. David Hasselhoff, then well, The Hoff is empty inside and has the soul of a goldfish.

Everyone knows I’m generally against these dumb wedding entrances, people flying in on zip lines, dancing like fools, generally making jackasses of themselves. I say keep it traditional and simple. I mean, nobody wants to see some goofy bridesmaid doing the Dougie up the aisle or some douchbag usher trying to make it all about himself.

Hey, weddings should be about the bride, and here’s one crazy bitch that has that figured out. In fact, she’s boogieing up the aisle to “Crazy Bitch.”

You go, young lady. You go.

Note: The guy covering his kid’s ears has to be a third cousin twice-removed on the husband’s side, right? No way he brings a kid to this wedding if he knew the bride.