Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

So some girl named Jane left these rules for her boyfriend before he went on vacation with his bros, and he was gracious enough to share them with the world. First read the note, followed by my comments.

Listen, I have no idea what a gaff or a scruffy is, nor have I ever heard of a Hibs song. However, I do know what a crazy-ass, looney tune woman is, and that is Connor’s girlfriend Jane. Avoiding eye contact with girls? Pee samples? Better be careful as “I may turn up?” That’s just horrifying stalker talk right there. That girl’s batshit crazy, man. Hey Conner, c’mere for a sec. No, a little closer please. OK, listen up: Run. Now. Run for your life while you can. Get out, because if you don’t your life is destined to be full of anguish and a living hell. Thank you and goodnight.

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Fresno, CA- When 22-year old Sidney Rollins called in to brag to KRDU Radio in Fresno about his awesome “Get Out of  Argument Free” card/birthday present from his wife, he was shocked to be mocked and derided on both radio and the internet. “I thought it was about the coolest gift She could give me. I’m not sure what people are thinking. Just cynical I guess.” 

Sidney, Sidney, Sidney. Oh, my young, naive, impressionable, wife-whipped little man. Do you really believe you’re going to be in the middle of a fight, whip out that card, and suddenly your wife smiles, takes it, and says, “OK honey. Fight over”? B-W-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A!!! Sidney, here’s what will happen. You’ll come home one night after being out 20-minutes too late, or maybe you’ll forget to take out the trash, and she’ll start in on you. You’ll quickly bust out the card, holding it up like a cross  in front of a vampire. Then except instead of shrieking and backing away, she’ll rip it from your hands, tear it to shreds and increase her anger level x 10. Then she’ll back you into the wall and rip your throat out.

Don’t use that card Sidney. Don’t ever use that card.

PS- How perfect is it that this guy’s name is Sidney? Pure comedy.

PPS- Did you catch the qualifier there? Especially if it’s a “stupid argument”? And that will ultimately be her call. This will end poorly, man.

Burn indeed.

Ever have a relationship that suddenly went awry for a weird reason? Something happened that made you think, “Uh, this isn’t going to work.”

Yeah, me too.

As a matter of fact it’s happened to me more than once. Let us review the sordid details . . .

I once went out with a girl in college that I’d had my eye on for awhile. We finally arranged a date, I picked her up, and things were going well. As always I had my music playing, and at one point I asked her what she thought of a particular Beatles song.

And then it happened, words spilling out of her mouth that were destined to ruin our relationship before it even started:

“I’ve never really cared for The Beatles. I think they’re overrated.”

At that point I spat out my coffee and I wasn’t even drinking any. Then I said something along the lines of, “Whaa . . . you . . smrgffft . . . wait . . . EXCUSE me?”

Listen, I can date somebody who hates sports, who doesn’t like to read books, who doesn’t like to travel, isn’t crazy about kids, hell, I can even date a Republican. But can I date somebody who dislikes The Beatles? I cannot.

Be ambivalent about them? Maybe. Dislike them? Nah.

Let us revert back to a quote from one of my favorite artists, the one and only lead singer of The Eels, Mr. Mark Oliver Everett, better known as E. E said this:

“Kids know what’s going on. They always respond to The Beatles, for instance. Doesn’t matter when they were born, they always seem to respond. Show me a kid who innately doesn’t like The Beatles and I’ll show you a bad seed.” 

Yep.

Listen, you don’t have to love The Beatles, but you certainly have to appreciate them for what they contributed to modern music. After all, virtually every band or artist today has stolen from them on one level or another. To not acknowledge that fact makes you, in my opinion, dumb.

Another time a date went sideways even more quickly. After I picked her up we walked out to my car, she opened the door and then proceeded to get out a handkerchief and wipe the seat before sitting down. Then she continued to look for dog hair on her coat all evening, making sure to hold it up for me every time she found one.

It didn’t take a genius to see that relationship was going very far. I mean, if a little dog hair bothered her that much we were in big trouble, ya know? I mean, if ya can’t make some allowances for The Spark you’re not my kinda girl.

I once dated a girl who I was beginning to really like. We’d gone out a few times and hit it off. She was from a nice family and showed no signs of abnormal behavior. Well, that all ended abruptly one sunny afternoon when she casually uttered a racial slur in the middle of a casual conversation regarding one of my friends. I asked her how in the world she could talk that way, she didn’t see a problem with it, I pointed out that I thought it was ignorant, and from that moment on I couldn’t wait to get her home and get the hell out of there.

It’s amazing how someone so pretty could turn so ugly so fast.

Finally, this last one is a little weird and sounds like something out of a Seinfeld episode. Years ago I was just out of college and seeing a girl that seemed really normal, at least by my standards. Anyway, things were going well until the day we went to a mall in Columbus. At some point we were ready to go up to the second floor and I sort of guided her over to the escalator. Just as we were about to step on she froze in her tracks and we had the following conversation:

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t get on there.”

“Huh? Why?”

“I haven’t told you this yet but I have a fear of escalators. It’s called Escalaphobia.”

“Hahahahahaha! Nice try weirdo.”

“I’m serious. They frighten me. I’m afraid I could get hurt on there.”

“Ooooooh.”

Long story short, she wasn’t kidding. This otherwise nice young lady had a legitimate, actual fear of escalators. Me, being the immature idiot that I was, couldn’t get past it. All I could think of that something must be inherently wrong with this woman, that if she was afraid of escalators what other irrational fears or thoughts might she have? Seriously, all I could think of were conversations I’d be having with people for years to come:

“Sorry, we have to take the stairs. She’s afraid of escalators.”

What can I say? Empathy wasn’t my strong suit then, nor apparently now since I just made myself laugh out loud as I typed that.

Anyway, so there ya go. Four weird things that can ruin a relationship. Well, plus me. I can ruin a relationship. On a related note, let’s not go there.

PS – Listen, I know too much dog hair is a pain and people have irrational fears that the rest of us have trouble comprehending. I get it, so save your complaints (I can hear the Society of Social Anxiety folks organizing as we speak). The racism, on the other hand, I will never get.   

PPS – And yes, I know I’m afraid of clowns, dolls and mannequins. Hey, I didn’t say I was perfect.

PPPS – And puppets, in particular marionnettes. There. I said it.

I can relate, trust me.

 

So I ran across this girl’s question regarding her ongoing relationship with her boyfriend Derek. Let’s call her Heather, because it seems like her name would be Heather. No offense Heathers. Anyway, read the letter, followed by my reply, then let me know what you think about it.

Q: I had been dating my boyfriend, Derek, for five years (from ages 20 to 25) and up until recently we had lived together for two and a half. When we first moved in together, I told him I wanted a proposal within the next year or else I would leave. He said this was completely doable and said he figured it would even happen before then!

So a year goes by and there’s no proposal. Derek says he needs more time to save up for a ring, so I tell him he has six months. I say ok and warn that I’ll leave if he doesn’t. Again, no ring. This time he says he can’t find a ring that’s “perfect,” so I pick one out that I like and he says to give him six months to save for it.

Another six months go by and NO RING. By now it’s been two years that I’ve been waiting to get married, so I tell him he has another six months and that it’s his last chance because I love him. Again, nothing – and this time he says it’s because he’s not sure if I’m “The One.” Ok, then why the fuck didn’t you say that two years ago Derek??

I finally had my fill of his lying. Last Friday I packed up all my stuff, took my name off our joint bills and moved out (my name is not on our lease.)

Derek does not have money problems and makes more than I do, so his excuse about saving for a ring was bullshit. It’s not like I even needed an expensive ring! Just a regular diamond ring that costs between $2,000 – 3,000. At one point he even said he’d go down to a pawn shop to get a ring RIGHT THEN and propose RIGHT THEN, but I felt like that would be cheap and he was only offering it to get me to stop talking. He told me we were soulmates, but refused to get the ring.

Did I do the right thing, yes or no?

Heather, Heather, Heather. First off, what’s the rush, kid? Hell, women wait to get married when they’re 35 or 40 these days, and sometimes not at all. Nobody cares. Why? Because, you know, they have careers and stuff. This isn’t 1922 when people would start calling you an Old Maid if you weren’t married by the age of 28. It’s a new day, sista. Welcome to 1970.

Secondly, guys don’t like deadlines for this type of thing. Demanding a ring is sort a bad move, don’tcha think? Dudes don’t like that kind of pressure, man. If you’re so obsessed with a diamond, wearing a white dress and having your big day you should’ve kicked Derek to the curb after he missed your first deadline, then gone and found a guy who wanted the same thing as you.

Finally, it’s pretty clear Derek has been stringing you along for several freaking years. I mean, those excuses are pretty lame. Can’t find the “right” ring? R-i-g-h-t. Heather, here’s the deal. Your big mistake was made when you moved in with this guy. He had you right where he wanted you, so why get married? The only thing a ring would’ve changed is that Derek would’ve been poorer.

So Heather, to answer your question, yes, you did the right thing. A little late, but ultimately you did. Now go find another guy to squeeze a ring out of.

So, thoughts?

Well, honesty is a good quality, right? And hey, it is fried chicken.

You have to admit that Daniel gave it a hell of an effort here. I mean, Top Golf just put this date over the top. And how about this girl? She not only makes it clear that it was a “friend date” but she had to get that final shot in with the old “#stillsingletho” hashtag. That’s brutal.

This chick blew it, right? What, romance is dead? I mean, what’s more romantic than having a bad violinist play a song for you in a mall food court? Dude pulled out all the stops. Your loss, girl. Your loss.

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So here’s the dizzle. Bradley Moss and Amy Bzura were supposed to have been married on October 29th. The couple had been dating since 2012 and lived together for over 3-years. Everything was hunky-dory and a life of wedded bliss seemed an afterthought.

So, Moss put a ring on it and proposed last year with a square emerald cut diamond engagement ring that cost $125,000. Holy hell, man, even Kanye West thought that was a little over the top.

Boom-chaka-laka!

Boom-chaka-laka!

But hold up, kids. Before they could walk down the aisle to married bliss, she ended the engagement and made off with the ring. Dang that’s cold.

Now Moss is suing her to get it back, and who could blame him? The lawsuit says that while he asked nicely for the ring she is refusing. So now he either wants the ring or its cash value with interest and punitive damages.*

*Easy big fella. Just ask for the money or the ring. Asking for interest and damages is too much. Don’t push it.

So what do you think? Didn’t Amy enter a social contract that should be honored? No marriage, no ring, right? Didn’t Bradley give her that ring as a formal agreement that they would be married, and since she vamoosed shouldn’t it be returned? She never lived up to her end of the transaction, correct?

Or am I wrong and should she keep it? What say you, loyal readers?

In happier times. Sigh.

In happier times. Sigh.

Boom. Roasted.

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Yep.

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All she wanted was a romantic video, and then . . .

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I see it every day on social media or hear it in the hallways – kids anywhere coupleholdinghandsloveboycutegirl-6337b3b373e70eab74f82c9f0d784d4f_hfrom 7th grade to 12th telling their boyfriend or girlfriend, “I love you!”

Sigh.

First off, how does a 13-year old kid know what love is? I’m pretty sure I was 25 before I ever uttered those words, and even then I wasn’t sure what it meant. Hell, I’m not 100% sure I know what it means now.

Has the word been cheapened so much that everyone just sort of tosses it around haphazardly? Because 90% of these kids will break up within a month, ya know? Apparently they don’t know this?

Hey, when I was in high school we were terrified to say those words, because it meant commitment. We were under enough pressure in our relationships without bringing that strain into it.

Yikes.

Another phenomenon I see these days are parents being really, really involved in their kid’s relationships. You see the parents of both kids having picnics together, going on vacation with each other, all sorts of activities. Hey, my mom and dad wouldn’t have known my girlfriend’s parents if they walked through their front door.

Then again, my parents probably knew I wasn’t in it for the long haul anyway, so there’s that.

Still, doesn’t it put pressure on the kids when their parents get involved with each other? When the inevitable breakup occurs, you’re not only breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you’re breaking up with his/her mom and dad, brother Seth, little sister Emily and Uncle Ned from Illinois.

Geez, back off a little, will ya? Give those kids some breathing room, man. Like I said, teenage relationships are tough enough without that kind added of burden to haul around.

So kids, save your declarations of undying love until, you know, you’ve been together for more than a week. In fact, let’s make it a combination of a 2-years and at least 18-years of age. Even then it’s too early, but I’m feeling generous today.

And mom and pop? S-l-o-w down a tad, ‘ite?

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So you go on a date and this happens. Your date is on his or her phone constantly. Uncommon? Sadly, not today. Annoying? Hell yes. So I ask you – how would you handle it? Asked him or her to stop? Walk out? Get out your own phone? Or just smile and put up with it? Or is this normal behavior nowadays and I’m just too old fashioned? What are your thoughts?

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Years ago I briefly dated a girl from Syracuse. She worked out at the V.A. Hospital and it was one of those deals where the more I got to know her the more I questioned why I was going out with her in the first place.

And to be fair, I’m pretty sure she was getting the same vibe from me.

Anyway, the more time we spent together the more uppity and pretentious she seemed to be. I got the feeling she sort of turned her nose down at us Southern Ohioans, ya know? She came from a wealthy New York family and wanted you to know it. Plus, every once in awhile she’d make a comment about one of my friends that made me wince a little.

She was always asking me questions that led me to believe she thought I might have some sort of shady past or something. I mean, I’d done some dumb things but had never been caught. No police record that is still on the books or anything. Bottom line I always felt like I was trying to prove I was good enough for her, and we’d only gone out a few times.

Not a good sign.

But, she was cute so I was willing to look past my reservations about her. She was also a former college gymnast at Syracuse, so she had that going for her.

Anyway, back then I was biking a lot and she was a fitness nut, so we planned a date that included rolling up Route 104 to Circleville, having a romantic (hopefully) little picnic, and heading back.

However, you know me. Best laid plans and all that.

Anyway, all was well as we cruised up the highway, riding side-by-side, talking about whatever. As we passed the Chillicothe Correctional Institute, we saw the prisoners were out in the yard. At this point she really started showing her conservative side, saying things like this:

Look at those thugs over there. What a waste of money. They should all be fried.”

Or . . .

“I have no sympathy of those animals. Look at them having a good time. It’s disgusting.”

Wait. “Having a good time?” I mean, they were in prison after all. Didn’t look fun to me. Still, I’m pretty sure I kept my comments to the occasional, “Yep.”

And then it happens. From the corner of my ear I hear this:

“Shoe! Shoe! SHOE!!! HEY SHOOOOOOOOE!!!!!!! DAVE SHOEMAKER!!!!!!”

So I look over and there, running along the fence, was an inmate yelling at me. It was a guy I’d gone to high school with and hadn’t seen in forever, mainly because he was doing a 7-10 year stretch in The Slammer.

Oh, for the love of God.

Why me? What were the odds?

At that point I gave him a sheepish wave and kept going. Actually that was my only option since I didn’t want to get shot running over to the fence. It was only when I looked over at my date did I notice I was getting The Judgemental Stare of Death.

I was sort of speechless but I finally said this:

“What? I knew the guy in high school.” 

But she wasn’t buying it. It confirmed her worst suspicions. The rest of the ride was awkward, mainly because she was now convinced I had a horde of convicts as friends.

You won’t be surprised to learn that it was our last date.

Now that I look back at it, my old friend the convict probably saved me from a lot of future stress and annoyances.

Thank God for convicted felons, I guess?

A wife, 96, and her husband, 100, hours before her death this past weekend. After 77-years of marriage he’s refusing to let go of his wife’s hand during her final moments. Inspirational.

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