Archive for the ‘Science’ Category

Preach it Bill Nye the Science Guy.

A new species of crab that’s the size of a quarter with big, bug eyes has been discovered and it is freaky as all holy hell. Scientists are calling the crab “the strangest crab that’s ever lived” and that would be 100% accurate. This dude had a mismatch of body parts, like a Frakencrab or something. Scientists say it was no bigger than a quarter with bent claws, big eyes, an exposed tail and leg-like mouth parts. Wait. What? Anywho, Callichimaera Perplexa.

Man, I just read the Mars Rover Opportunity’s last message to home and I have to admit I’m a little choked up right now. I mean, we send him 33.9-million miles from home for a 90-day mission in July of 2003, he arrives on Mars in January 2004, and he outlives his expected lifespan by a freakin’ decade and a half. Then, alone on a faraway planet, a giant goddamn dust storm swoops in last June and we haven’t heard from him since.

That alone is sad enough, but then we hear what our hero’s last message was and it’s almost too much to take, man. I’ll tell you what he said, but I need a second to gather myself.

OK, I think I’m ready. Here are little Opp’s last words, sent home as the storm approached:

“My battery is low and it’s getting very, very dark . . .”

 

Well, hell. Hold on, I have something in my eye again.

PS- NASA sent their last message to Opportunity today. Nuthin’. 

PPS- There was another Rover named Spirit that went up the same time as Opportunity, and he kicked the bucket back in 2011. Just didn’t have the heart of my boy Opp.

PPPS- It would have been really cool if the last message was something like, “Wooohooo! Go straight to hell Martian dust storm! I’m gone suckers! Peace out!”

PPPPS- How great would it be if we suddenly got another message after 7-months of silence? Those nerd scientists would wet themselves.*

*Me too.

Meet Ace Davis, a 10-year-old kid from Lexington, Kentucky who created a science fair project about Tom Brady. While kids in New England might be trying to figure out how to scientifically prove that Brady is the greatest quarterback who ever lived, Ace decided to go in a different direction. He created a science fair project that proves that Brady is a cheater.

Ace sought to prove that Brady was a cheater through science. He wanted to show that deflated footballs gave Brady a competitive advantage. On his poster, he included the results of experiments he did with his mom and sister. Each of them threw footballs of varying inflation, and he measured the distance of each one and calculated the average. He found that the least inflated football traveled the farthest, therefore giving Brady a competitive advantage.

Of course, he included more than that on his poster. He used a Brady Deflategate meme, a picture of Brady crying, and a picture of Brady making a very weird face.

Ace won his Science Fair and is advancing to the Districts. When asked how he thinks he’ll do there he replied, “I’m gonna win that too.” He was then asked what he’d like to say to Brady. Ace’s response?

“Give me some of your money. You don’t deserve it.”

Damn Ace. Hate Brady much?

Anyway, hell yes Ace Davis proved Tom Brady’s a cheater. Ace is out there fighting for truth, justice and the American way. Dude’s the damn superhero we all need right now, and if winning a Science Fair in Lexington, Kentucky isn’t proof that Touchdown Tawmy’s a cheater I don’t know what is. That’s just Science. Literally. The referees and the NFL won’t stand up to Brady, but you know who will? Ace Davis, that’s who, the kid who’s advancing to the Districts with intentions of winning the whole damn thing.

PS- Those quotes from Ace is pure gold. GOLD.

 

When you wish upon a star you’re actually a few million years late because that star is dead. In reality, you’re actually looking into the past because many of the stars we see have already died.

Well, it can count for one damn thing. Venus Flytraps are carnivorous, so they wait for some poor unsuspecting schmuck to trigger the little hairs on its leaves and boom, you’re a goner. See, when the prey hits a hair an electric signal tells the plant something is there. If two hairs are disturbed within 20-seconds the trap snaps shut. After a third hair is touched the plant’s digestive juices start flowing an it’s a slow and agonizing death for whatever happened to mosey into its jaws of death. Diabolical.

PS- In the second video you’ll see the Venus Flytrap eat a snake, bloodworms, honeybee, spider, housefly, frog, a big bug, a finger and a goddamn cactus. Dude does not discriminate. Good God almighty.

In Denmark studies have found that it’s okay to drink a standard serving of alcohol per day when you are pregnant. According to social norms, not only is it okay, it is expected.

The Aliens Are Warning Us

Posted: September 12, 2018 in Humor, Mystery, Science, Space, The Unknown

The Sun: Artificial intelligence searching for alien life in the universe has discovered dozens of previously unknown radio bursts. The Breakthrough Listen program found 72 new fast radio bursts – mysterious space signals – coming from a galaxy 3-billion light years away. 

Scientists have named the source of these newly discovered signals, way outside the Milky Way galaxy, as “repeater” FRB 121102. FRBs are single, bright pulses of radio emission from extremely distant galaxies which last just milliseconds.

But FRB 121102 is the only one ever recorded to emit repeated bursts.

The source of FRBs are still a mystery and the nature of the object emitting them is still unknown. The theories range from highly magnetized neutron stars and super-massive black holes to signs of an advanced civilization.

Son of a bitch. Here we go again. More proof that aliens are out there, just shooting FRBs at us like you read about in all those Science Fiction books as a kid. And don’t tell me 3-billion light years is too far away to be a threat to Earth. Who knows what kind of spaceships those aliens possess? Hell, they may be so advanced they just snap their fingers (if they have any) and transport themselves wherever the hell they want like Captain Kirk and Spock. And these FRBs may be a warning, telling us the army of planet Nugoohoo will be arriving shortly to enslave us all and send Trump to Uranus. Terrifying really.

PS- Scientists continue to be the worst at naming stuff. FRB 121102? Really? Why not Hank or Sally or something? Scientists are not creative, man.

PPS- Seriously, if an alien civilization were that advanced don’t you think they’d just decipher our language and shoot us a text? Maybe create a Facebook account or something? Up your game, aliens.

Newsweek Online: According to scientists, the end of the world may come sooner than we thought due to colliding gravitational waves that would cause the Earth to be sucked into a black hole. 

Gravitational waves are invisible ripples in space which travel at the speed of light. The most powerful of these waves occur when objects move very quickly, for instance when two big stars orbit each other or two black holes orbit one another and merge. Such waves are often compared to the circular ripples which emerge when a stone is dropped in water. However, if a particle or object travels at the speed of light, flat gravitational waves can result. If such an event were to occur, and if the waves were big enough, the subsequent collision would create a black hole with a gravitational field that not even light would be able to escape from it. Literally everything would be sucked into it, including earth.

Well, hell. If it’s not one thing it’s another. Asteroids heading our way, Nazis everywhere, racism running rampant, conspiracy theorists running amok, an orange, nutcase tweeting president who’s inciting civil war if the upcoming elections don’t result in his favor, man it’s getting crazy all up in here. Now we have the possibility of a damn black hole sucking in everything from the Sun to the round (or flat, that’s another issue we’re dealing with) home we call Earth. And hey, we all know if the Earth goes you can kiss Uranus goodbye. That’s just science.

PS- The earth is going to be swallowed up and incinerated when the sun inevitably becomes a giant red star in 5-billion years anyway, so whatevs.

PPS- I’ve said this before but I have no idea how I’d act if they told us we had a week left. I’d like to think I’d go out with class and dignity, but there are a couple folks to whom I might pay a visit. Just sayin’.

PPPS- Uranus jokes never get old.

Once again the Simpson’s have predicted the future.

 

 

 

PARTY!!!

Astronomers estimate a mountain-sized 1,300-foot wide asteroid could hit our planet in 2032.

It was discovered moving through a nearby constellation and stargazing chiefs in Britain, Italy, Spain and Russia have added it to list of potentially dangerous asteroids. If it did hit, an impact could flatten a massive area of land and trigger earthquakes and tsunamis. It was spotted by Gennady Borisov from the Crimean Astrophysical Observatory in the Ukraine.

He warned: “The first observations show that it moves quickly and is relatively close.”

The asteroid has been named 2013 TV135, and if there is an impact, it could cause an explosion equivalent to 2,500 megatons of TNT – more than 50 times greater the biggest nuclear bomb ever detonated. Scientists say we really shouldn’t worry too much though. The chances of the asteroid actually striking the planet are 1 in 63,000, although scientists will reevaluate the chances of an impact in 2024.

Do these people think we’re idiots? Hey, we’ve all seen Armageddon. Nothing to worry about my ass. Nothing except a rock the size of a freakin’ mountain hitting the earth at 30,000 miles per hour with the energy of a 1-million megaton bomb that will flatten a massive area of land and trigger earthquakes and tsunamis. Happens all the time.

Fun Fact: If an asteroid the size of a house crashed on Earth at 30,000 mph. It would have an amount of energy roughly equal to the bomb that fell on Hiroshima. Woohoo!

And I can hear the news in 2024. “W-e-e-e-l-l-l-l, the odds are now down to 1 in 6,000. We’ll reevaluate in 2028.” Chills, man.

So yeah, everyone can relax here on the Big Blue Marble. We have 14-years left before we’re all obliterated by ol’ 2013 TV135.

PS- Thanks Gennady Borisov of the Crimean Astrophysical Observatory. I had no idea that asteroids “moved quickly.” That’s some deep science stuff right there.

PPS- Stargazing Chief is an awesome job title. Sounds way better than Nerd Scientist.

PPPS- Lame name, man. 2013 TV135? Really? I’d have named it something like Death Star 3000 or Butch or something. Maybe Maximus.

PPPPS- Imagine you knew the planet was going to be wiped out next Friday. Can you think of anyone you’d exact revenge upon before the end? Yeah, me too.

 

Oh Lord Jesus. From the website Quartzy:

If being well is simply about feeling good in our bodies and using them as they are designed to be used, then there’s an emerging wellness trend that’s worth checking out, a practice that requires neither aspiration nor great motivation: lying on the ground outside. There’s even a name for it. The “earthing” movement believes that “direct physical contact with the vast supply of electrons on the surface of the Earth” results in positive health outcomes, including reducing inflammation, cortisol levels, and improving sleep patterns. 

Yep, you read that right, kids, the newest emerging wellness trend is going outside and lying on the ground. The New Age folks have made a startling discovery this time, lemme tell ya. Who knew that lying on the ground was so good for you? I’ll tell you who knew. Every freaking kid on earth who grew up in the country. We’ve all lounged on the ground, stared at the skies or stars, and felt engulfed by that warm peacefulness. We just didn’t know it was coming from a vast supply of electrons, man.

PS- Sorry, people who grew up in the city. Pretty sure concrete, litter and human urine blocks the electrons. That’s just science.

Yes kids, there are folks in 2018 who believe the world is flat, including NBA player Kyrie Irving, noted nutjob Tila Tequila, and some rapper named B.o.B. Anyhoo, the worldwide web has responded accordingly. Enjoy.

[click and scroll]

[click on photos to see alien stuff]

USA Today – A number of prehistoric drawings have sparked a local government to seek the help of NASA after the images appeared to depict extraterrestrial life. Discovered in Charama, India, the images appear to show aliens and UFOs, similar to scenes of a sci-fi movie. According to local archaeologist JR Bhagat it is unclear as to what the images reveal. He said: “The findings suggest that humans in prehistoric times may have seen or imagined beings from other planets which still create curiosity among people and researchers. “In a few pictures, they beings even shown wearing space suits.”

The archaeologists have contacted NASA to help solve the mystery.

Well, well. Where are all those weather balloon excuses now? Seriously, I’m listening because I need an answer. Why, you ask? Because cave men were drawing pictures of aliens and spaceships 10,000 FREAKING YEARS AGO. Honestly, man, try and convince me that these drawings were a hoax perpetrated by cavemen:

Hey Gernk, let’s draw some pictures of made-up outer space people on the wall over here. It’ll drive people in 2018 insane.

No way man. They were here, are still here, and are living in the bodies of people like Oprah or your Uncle Hank as we speak. Hell, I wrote about this awhile back. Anywho, if this ain’t proof I don’t know what is.

The NFL probably doesn’t like this very much. Just a guess.

The skeleton isn’t inside you, you’re the brain so you’re inside the skeleton.

Kewl.

Science Now: The origins of the Himalayan yeti myth have been revealed at last — thanks to science. Big furry animals, larger than humans and capable of walking on two legs do indeed roam the highest mountains on Earth, according to a study published Tuesday in Proceedings of the Royal Society B, a biological sciences journal.

But they’re not yetis. They’re bears.

After analyzing the DNA of nine purported yeti specimens, scientists found that five of the preserved “yetis” were in fact Tibetan brown bears, two were Himalayan brown bears, and one — a relic which looked like a fossilized hand — originally belonged to an Asian black bear.

The ninth specimen — part of a tooth belonging to a stuffed yeti in the collection at the Reinhold Messner Mountain Museum, turned out to be from a dog.

Man, this has got to be a historic letdown of epic proportions for the mythical folklore crowd, amirite? All those stories we’ve heard for years about hairy man-beasts roaming the Himalayas and terrorizing the countryside, only to find out they’re damn bears. And a dog. Bad day for ape-like entities I guess?

What’s next, we find out the Sasquatch is really a damn Irish Wolfhound? Good God.

PS- I’m not sure I’m buying it. This Proceedings of the Royal Society B sounds shady as hell.

 

 

 

A Cama is a hybrid between a male camel and a female llama and has been produced by artificial insemination at the Camel Reproduction Centre in Dubai. Yes kids, Dubai has a Camel Reproduction Centre. Why does a Cama have to be reproduced through artificial insemination, you ask? Because an adult camel can weigh up to 6-times as much as a llama and that could make things a little awkward for the llama if you get my drift. Anywho, Cama.

Remember that big story yesterday where we found out the US government has been investigating UFOs for years? Well, now we have some actual, real video of a goddamn UFO. Did you read what I just wrote? We have video of an alien spacecraft. Watch the video for yourself, man. That spaceship flies off like a damn bumblebee at the end. What the hell moves like that? An alien craft, that’s what. Seriously, the pilots witnessing this are just dumbstruck. I’ll tell you something else, folks – being able to fly like that means they have the technology to travel at the speed of light. Which means they can bend time. Which means they are probably bending time in space so they can’t be seen. Which means we are beyond screwed and we’re all gonna die soon because we would totally lose an intergalactic war. Hey, I’ve seen movies. Those alien transformer freaks don’t mess around. Meanwhile we’re still trying to put a person on Mars while these ETs are cruising from universe to universe like it ain’t no thang. It’s all over but the dying.

PS- The chances of us being alone are as infinitesimally small as the universe in exponentially big. That’s just science.

PPS- No way I’m getting captured either. Nobody’s probing me, man.

NY Times — In the $600-billion annual Defense Department budgets, the $22-million spent on the Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification Program was almost impossible to find, which was exactly how the Pentagon wanted it.

For years, the program investigated reports of unidentified flying objects, according to Defense Department officials, interviews with program participants and records obtained by The New York Times. It was run by a military intelligence official, Luis Elizondo, on the fifth floor of the Pentagon’s C Ring, deep within the building’s maze.

The Defense Department has never before acknowledged the existence of the program. 

“Hmmm. Is it aliun or alien?”

Well, well, well. For years our government has denied that UFOs exist, yet all the while operating the Advanced Aerospace Threat Identification Program deep within the bowels of the Pentagon. Guys just investigating aliens like you read about. And you just know they’ve found something and aren’t telling us. I guarantee they have photos of alien craft or maybe even have knowledge of aliens among us. Then again, I think they have to brief the president on this stuff, right? If so that really clouds the issue because you just know that upon hearing anything cool Trump would tweet about it within minutes. No way he could keep that knowledge to himself. Trump, man. Shoots out tweets like a 5th grader, except with poorer grammar.

PS- I’m sure you read my acclaimed blog titled Aliens Among Us. In it I laid out my theory that they’re here and living with us. We all know a couple. With that in mind, here are my top 5 possibilities of aliens living among us:

  1. Oprah. Of course Oprah’s an alien, except when they made her up to look like a humanoid they made her head too damn big, a dead giveaway. Clearly not human.
  2. Ryan Seacrest. You know how I’m certain he’s an alien? It’s those

    Seacrest, man.

    staring, soulless eyes. Chills, man.

  3. Tom Cruise. Come on man. He’s a Scientologist. They believe that a galactic being named Xenu brought billions of people from a “Galactic Confederacy” to earth in spaceships shaped like jet airplanes. Xenu then stacked the people around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs. The people didn’t die though, they became spirits that have caused harm to humans for 75-million years now. Dead serious. Look it up. Anywho, alien. Duh.
  4. Steve Buscemi. Obvious choice, amirite? Please. Dude has eyes that bore right through you. And I’m pretty sure a young apprentice alien was in charge of his mouth. Just a poor effort there.
  5. Christopher Walken. Ever notice how he really tries to talk normally but struggles putting sentences together? Yeah, me too. And once again, the eyes give it away. Not only is Walken obviously an alien, he may actually be their leader. It’s definitely him or a former administrator at the school where I taught. Anyway, Walken? No brainer there.

Earlier this autumn, an asteroid named Oumuamua captured the attention of the scientific world when it was confirmed as the first known object from outside the solar system. Now, Breakthrough Listen wants to see if it’s the first sign of life beyond our planet.  On Wednesday, the $100 million project to detect potential evidence of extraterrestrials plans to use the Robert C. Byrd Green Bank Telescope in West Virginia to observe the asteroid across four radio bands for 10-hours. “Most likely it is of natural origin, but because it is so peculiar, we would like to check if it has any sign of artificial origin, such as radio emissions,” Avi Loeb, professor of astronomy at Harvard University and an adviser to Breakthrough Listen, told The Guardian. “If we do detect a signal that appears artificial in origin, we’ll know immediately. We don’t want to be sensational in any way, and we are very realistic about the chances this is artificial,” Yuri Milner, the Silicon Valley billionaire behind the Breakthrough Initiatives, told Scientific American. “But because this is a unique situation, we think mankind can afford 10 hours of observing time using the best equipment on the planet to check a low-probability hypothesis. Oumuamua’s unusual cigar shape ― 10 times longer than it is wide ― was also “the most likely architecture for an interstellar spacecraft since this would minimize friction and damage from interstellar gas and dust,” the organization said. However, “a natural origin is more likely.”

Well, hell. It’s happening. It’s really happening. A cigar-shaped alien spaceship is cruising by earth. Everybody stand really still and try to act inconspicuous. Maybe Oumuamua won’t see us. Seriously, everybody knows asteroids aren’t long and thin. They’re all jaggedy and whatnot. That’s just science. You know what is longer and than it is wide and flies through space? A damn alien spaceship, that’s what. Now excuse me while I take Sparky with me to my underground lair.

PS- My underground lair is fully stocked with Cheez-Its, Cheez Whiz, Wonder Bread and Rock Star Punch energy drinks. That’s all I need until Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal take care of these freaks.

PPS- Can you imagine what Trump would do if aliens landed in DC? He’d probably finish his round of golf in Florida and then fly to Russia to ask Putin to protect him.

PPPS- I lied in my first PS. I’d have some booze down there too.

Bloomberg — President Donald Trump on Monday will direct the National Aeronautics and Space Administration to send American astronauts back to the moon, shifting the agency’s mission from the study of Earth and a longer-range plan to explore Mars. Trump is scheduled to sign a directive to the NASA administrator on Monday outlining the new mission. Deputy White House Press Secretary Hogan Gidley said in a statement that the new policy reflects recommendations from the National Space Council, a White House advisory panel Trump appointed earlier in the year. 

Hell yes! It’s about time! USA! USA! USA! I just hope to hell we can beat those Russians up there, especially after we threw down the gauntlet back in ’62. Thank God The Donald is going to fulfill JFK’s promise of getting there before 1970 2017. Get to the moon and get there post haste, ‘Merica!

PS- All jokes aside, can you believe nobody’s walked on the moon since 1972? All that hubbub about racing to the moon and we quit after getting there a few times. Also, only Americans have walked on the moon. That’s cray-cray.

PPS- What are the odds Trump thinks the moon is made of cheese? 93%?

Amazing stuff. Be sure and watch both videos.

USA Today: New research finds dogs are far brainier than cats, with more than twice as many neurons in their cerebral cortexes. Dogs were also found to be more loyal, compassionate, loving and obedient.

OK, I added that second sentence myself. That doesn’t make it untrue though. Listen, anyone that this news surprises is an idiot. Of course dogs are smarter than cats. Ever see a cat lead a lost child out of the forest? Didn’t think so. When you come home a dog greets you at the door with his tail wagging. Cats? They stay upstairs planning on ways to murder you in your sleep. Dogs every day, every way.

Source – Bacteria discovered on the surface of the International Space Station may not be from Earth, a Russian cosmonaut claims. Anton Shkaplerov, an ISS expedition flight engineer who will take his third trip to the space station in December, said that living bacteria harvested from the metal skin may be extraterrestrial. Shkaplerov said: “Bacteria that had not been there during the launch of the ISS module were found on the swabs.
“So they have flew from somewhere in space and settled on the outside hull.” Incredibly, bacteria found on the ISS can survive in a vacuum and temperatures ranging from -150C to 150C. Last month Sky reported that bacterial cells treated with a common antibiotic were spotted changing shape to survive while aboard the ISS.

Isn’t this how every space horror movie since 1953 has started? A seemingly harmless bacteria finds its way inside your spaceship and proceeds to grow into a freakin’ 12-foot space monster from hell and then kill everybody on board?

Honestly, if this doesn’t scare the bejesus out of you I don’t know what will. First off, there is no way we can let this craft back into the earth’s atmosphere. NO WAY MAN. Why? Because SOMETHING FLEW IN FROM SPACE AND SETTLED ON THE SHIP’S HULL. And oh, by the way, it can live in a damn vacuum and in temperatures ranging from -150C to 150C and is changing shape to survive. 

Sweet dear God we must blow that Space Station to hell and we must blow it to hell right now. Come on Trump! Do something!

Note: This reminds me of that damn Tardigrade I wrote about once. Scary stuff.

Also called a Water Bear. Cool.