Archive for the ‘The Unknown’ Category

Earlier this autumn, an asteroid named Oumuamua captured the attention of the scientific world when it was confirmed as the first known object from outside the solar system. Now, Breakthrough Listen wants to see if it’s the first sign of life beyond our planet.  On Wednesday, the $100 million project to detect potential evidence of extraterrestrials plans to use the Robert C. Byrd Green Bank Telescope in West Virginia to observe the asteroid across four radio bands for 10-hours. “Most likely it is of natural origin, but because it is so peculiar, we would like to check if it has any sign of artificial origin, such as radio emissions,” Avi Loeb, professor of astronomy at Harvard University and an adviser to Breakthrough Listen, told The Guardian. “If we do detect a signal that appears artificial in origin, we’ll know immediately. We don’t want to be sensational in any way, and we are very realistic about the chances this is artificial,” Yuri Milner, the Silicon Valley billionaire behind the Breakthrough Initiatives, told Scientific American. “But because this is a unique situation, we think mankind can afford 10 hours of observing time using the best equipment on the planet to check a low-probability hypothesis. Oumuamua’s unusual cigar shape ― 10 times longer than it is wide ― was also “the most likely architecture for an interstellar spacecraft since this would minimize friction and damage from interstellar gas and dust,” the organization said. However, “a natural origin is more likely.”

Well, hell. It’s happening. It’s really happening. A cigar-shaped alien spaceship is cruising by earth. Everybody stand really still and try to act inconspicuous. Maybe Oumuamua won’t see us. Seriously, everybody knows asteroids aren’t long and thin. They’re all jaggedy and whatnot. That’s just science. You know what is longer and than it is wide and flies through space? A damn alien spaceship, that’s what. Now excuse me while I take Sparky with me to my underground lair.

PS- My underground lair is fully stocked with Cheez-Its, Cheez Whiz, Wonder Bread and Rock Star Punch energy drinks. That’s all I need until Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal take care of these freaks.

PPS- Can you imagine what Trump would do if aliens landed in DC? He’d probably finish his round of golf in Florida and then fly to Russia to ask Putin to protect him.

PPPS- I lied in my first PS. I’d have some booze down there too.

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First, watch the video:

Wait. What just happened? That’s physically impossible. Dude floated back up like a damn ghost or something. That’s some supernatural shit right there, man. And the player from the Chiefs knew. Look at how he looked at Zay Jones. He was flabbergasted. Here’s what happened – Zay Jones forgot he was pretending to be human and acted exactly how an alien from God-knows-where would act. Hey, I wrote about these people recently. I ain’t dumb.

Aliens Among Us

Posted: September 5, 2017 in Humor, The Supernatural, The Unknown, WTF?
Tags:

We all know at least one person like this. Every one of us. It’s that person at work or school, maybe the guy who lives around the corner or works at the bank, maybe it’s the mother of one of your kid’s friends you see at basketball games. Not to get too personal, but perhaps it’s my boss from 10-years ago.

It’s that person that, when you try to communicate with them, you get nothing. No connection. When you talk they stare at you with black, soulless eyes and a face that doesn’t seem to understand a word you’re saying. Sometimes their responses don’t match what you just said to them. For whatever reason, the communication between you is just a little . . . off.

You’re all thinking of someone you know right now, aren’t you?  Yeah, that guy.

Here’s my hypothesis regarding this phenomenon – these people are aliens. They’ve come here clandestinely and taken over certain human bodies at a young age, and although they’ve been trained to be humans, they just can’t quite pull it off. They’re close, but they’re j-u-s-t a tick off.

Now you’re really thinking of somebody you know, aren’t you? They’re aliens, man. Sorta like in Men in Black.

Here’s what’s going to happen. When the Alien Mothership arrives, these are the people who are going to walk down the line of humans and point out those of us who will be taken aboard the Mothership and away to our eventual slaughter.

Sorry kids. You didn’t really think this was going to have a happy ending, did you?

PS- Before I get a nasty message from an idiot over in England (seems like I get a lot of those from England) or somewhere, I’m kidding.

PPS- Sort of.

PPPS- Belgians love me. So there.

I’ve been interested in this stuff for years but have only recently started to actually read seriously about it. I’m sure you’re all somewhat familiar with it, because it’s been a popular subject in comics, TV shows and movies. We’ve all seen or read about people who stumbled upon a “portal” that they walk through and enter another space and time, right? Or “Chronicles of Narnia” anyone? My personal favorite is the book by H.G. Wells called “Men Like Gods”, complete with a multiverse theory and a paratime machine. Cool, especially for 1923. Anyway, the examples are endless.

But first, let’s get to an official definition of the Many Worlds Theory:

The many-worlds interpretation is an interpretation of quantum mechanics that asserts the objective reality of the universal wavefunction and denies the actuality of wavefunction collapse. Many-worlds implies that all possible alternate histories and futures are real, each representing an actual “world” or “universe”. 

Basically, this is saying that there is a very large, perhaps even infinite, number of universes, not just ours, and we could be in those other universes as well. It also says that everything that could possibly have happened in our past, but did not, has occurred in the past of some other universe or universes we lived in.

Man, that’s just crazy to think about. Parallel universes.

Think about it. Before this theory, reality had always been viewed as a single unfolding history. The Many Worlds Theory, however, views reality as a many-branched tree, where every possible outcome is realized.

For example, say an object’s wave function is both a particle and a wave. When a physicist measures the particle, there are two possible outcomes: It will either be measured as a particle or a wave. When a physicist measures the object, the universe splits into two distinct universes to accommodate each of the possible outcomes.

OK, I’m getting a headache. Forget all the wave and particle stuff, just understand that for everything that happens there are different outcomes, shooting out in different directions, to several universes. Or you could put it this way – we live in an infinite web of alternate timelines, but we can only see the one we exist in. Or maybe we can, but I’ll get to that shortly. So actually, if this is true, we live in a multiverse — where timelines are constantly branching off and creating distinct and coherent worlds, each experienced by a different version of you.

Stick with me while I give you one simple example. Let’s say that yesterday you left your house to go to work. A dog cuts in front of you but you swerve, miss him, and continue on your way. In another universe though, you hit him and kill him but go on your way. However, the dog’s owner is devastated, his life is changed forever and so on. In yet another timeline you miss the dog but hit an oncoming car head on and die. Not sure why I’m sing such morbid examples because they don’t have to be. Wait, I can’t stop there. In another universe you pull over, save the dog because it was a stray and he lives with you happily ever after. Whew. That’s better.

Now, imagine every example I just gave, every single act branching out in different directions like that. There could be countless versions of you out there. If the theory is true, then there must be an infinite number of versions of you out there, each of them experiencing the world as individuals separate from and oblivious to each other.  One may have died at birth, one may be living as a billionaire in New York. Maybe you turned into a mass murderer in another universe. Don’t laugh, remember that kid you hated in high school and wanted to murder? In one world, maybe you did. The possibilities are literally endless, because if this is true you have literally done and/or will do everything you could ever have conceive of doing. Mind boggled.

And think about what other kinds of worlds might exist in another universe. Maybe somebody invented time travel or cured cancer years ago. Maybe a war destroyed the planet and it had to start over. Again, endless possibilities.

Let me throw this out there. What about ghosts? Do we sometimes somehow get a glimpse of an alternate universe? Hey, the chair you’re sitting in right now could be in the middle of an insane asylum or a witches coven, literally anything. That noise you heard last night a couple rooms away? Don’t ask. Anyway, next time you think you saw something out of the corner of your eye only to turn and look but it was gone, don’t be alarmed. Perhaps you did.

But oh, there’s more that has crossed my twisted mind. We’ve all had feelings of deja vu, right? That sense that we’ve done something or been somewhere before, even though we know we haven’t? Maybe we have, it was just one of those many other versions of you. Maybe we sometimes have a sort of connection, or resonance, with the other universes that causes this phenomenon.

Look, I can’t begin to explain the scientific basis for the theory. I’ve read about it and sort of get it, but eventually all the wave function collapse and quantum gravity talk hurts my brain. All I know for sure is that it fascinates the bejesus out of me.

Oh, and one more thing. Do you know who devised the original Many Worlds Theory and Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics? A man named Hugh Everett III, who died in 1982. Like many ahead of  his time, he passed before his theory began to be taken seriously. But here’s my favorite part – Hugh Everett III was the father of Mark Oliver Everett, leader of one of my favorite bands, The Eels. True story.

Now that’s mind-boggling.

Father & Son

Before we begin, let us simply recall the iconic opening to every episode of one of the most amazing TV shows of all-time, The Twilight Zone . . .

Yes, there were variations of the same opening, but you get the gist.

I recorded the Twilight Zone Marathon recently, and I just finished watching nearly 70-episodes. There were 156 total, but these were deemed some of the best. I learned a few things while watching, and the most striking of these was that Rod Serling got away with a lot of crazy and outrageous stuff.  More on that later.

I also learned that lots of stars and future stars were on the show. People like Mickey Rooney, William Shatner, Ron Howard, Burt Reynolds, Carol Burnett, Buster Keaton, Robert Redford, Dennis Hopper, Leonard Nimoy, Lee Marvin, and Don Rickles all guest starred. The décor – early 60’s Mad Men style.

Another aspect that stood out was the introductions and closing remarks by Serling. Just incredible writing. Here’s a sample:

Nobody else, and I mean nobody, could pull that off like Serling. Love it. Here’s a sample of one of his closing monologues:

Again, so well done.

It was also amazing how Serling touched on political issues of the day. Some episodes even touched on World War II and the treatment of Jews.  This was just 15-18 years after the war, and the scenes were brutal. They spoke of the experiments done on prisoners and everything. Pretty incredible for such a conservative era.

That said, I’ll now give you my 12 favorite Twilight Zone episodes. Let us commence . . .

Nightmare at 20,000 Feet

William Shatner (later to become Captain Kirk in Star Trek) stars in what might be the most famous and revered of all Twilight Zone episodes. He plays a man traveling aboard a commercial flight with his wife. He spots a monster on the wing, trying to damage it. He tries to alert the crew and other passengers to the potential danger lurking just outside his window seat. However, the clever being makes sure to fly out of view every time someone else peers through the glass, leaving Shatner to look foolish and delusional. In typical Twilight Zone fashion, the final shot is the killer. As Shatner is taken away on a stretcher, the camera pans away showing actual damage the monster has done to the wing. Awesome. On a related note, the shot where Shatner has closed the window, only to open it to see the monster’s face pressed against the window scared the bejesus out of me.

Note- Watching it now, the “monster” appears to have been created by a 5th grade art class. Still a classic episode.

Living Doll

This episode is always referred to as “Talking Tina” and it was the single scariest thing I’d ever seen in my life. Trust me, as a 6-year old this was just petrifying and life-altering to witness. I still hate dolls to this day because of this show. In this one Telly Savalas plays a man who isn’t a fan of his stepdaughter’s new “Talky Tina” doll, especially after the doll starts telling him she’s going to kill him. What follows is a twisted domestic drama powered by the actions of an evil toy. There have been dozens of TV shows and movies that have told stories about talking dolls since, but Rod Serling’s take is still the best by far. Believe me, I haven’t looked at a doll the same since.

The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street

Ah, another great one that asks the viewers to decide who the real monsters are, the alien invaders or their very own friends and neighbors? “Monsters” finds the residents of an unnamed town in a panic when they conclude an alien invasion is afoot, and it began because of a loud noise and a power outage. Rather than team up to combat the terror from beyond the stars, they succumb to paranoia and vigilante-like behavior, leading their invaders to conclude that the best way to destroy mankind is to let us do the deed ourselves. Rod Serling, who wrote the episode, summed it up best in the closing narration, making a social point as he often did:

“The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, and prejudices — to be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill. And suspicion can destroy. And a thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all its own – for the children, and the children yet unborn. And the pity of it is, that these things cannot be confined . . . to the Twilight Zone.”

Wow.

The Invaders

In this one, a poor impoverished woman (Agnes Moorehead, who went on to play the mother on Bewitched) lives alone in a rustic cabin. She is dressed shabbily, and there are no modern conveniences in evidence. After hearing a strange noise above her kitchen roof, she is attacked by small intruders that come from a miniature flying saucer that has landed on her rooftop. Two tiny figures about 6-inches high, which may be robots or beings wearing pressure suits, emerge from the craft. As a kid this was creepy as hell. Anyway, the small figures attack the woman, using small, pistol-like weapons that leave radiation burns on her skin, and, after following her into her cabin, slashing her ankle and hand with her own kitchen knife. The suspense builds as the woman searches for the invaders. She eventually destroys one, wrapping it in a blanket and beating it until it is still, then throwing it into the burning fireplace. She follows the other to the saucer-ship on her roof, which she proceeds to attack with a hatchet. From within the craft, she hears a voice speaking in English. These are the first words we’ve heard the whole episode, and the intruder knows he’s about to die. He then proceeds to frantically warn other potential visitors that the planet is inhabited by giants and they are impossible to defeat. Then comes the kicker. The camera pans slowly away to reveal the markings on the side of the ship, which reads U.S. Air Force Space Probe No. 1. You see, the invaders were human astronauts from Earth, and the woman in the small farmhouse belongs to a race of giant humanoids native to another planet. Another shocking ending.

The Bewitchin’ Pool

In my mind, one of most unforgettable of all the Twilight Zone episodes. A young girl and her little brother live in a beautiful suburban home, complete with a large swimming pool. Their parents are cold, short tempered, and forever fighting in front of their children. One day, a boy pops up from the deep end of their pool and invites them to follow him. Wait. What? The children then follow by diving underwater and surface in a beautiful countryside. It is simple and plain, and unlike their spectacular home. There are no adults except for a kindly woman who bakes desserts and offers kind words. The children go back home through the swimming pool because they’re worried that their parents have missed them. They break through the water to find that their neglectful parents haven’t even noticed that they were gone. The children return again to the idyllic countryside by diving through the pool, and this time, they stay. Their parents search for them in the pool, but never find them. The children remain happily ever after, cared for and loved, in this paradise. It wasn’t until I watched this episode as an adult that I saw that it could be perceived as legitimizing childhood suicide in response to bad parenting, and a child’s simple wish to get the hell away. No way this would be broadcast today.

The Hitch-Hiker

Another terrifying example of the plot twists Twilight Zone was known for. We begin with a young woman traveling alone cross country trip. She blows a tire and when she takes her car in for repairs, we get a hint that something is amiss when the mechanic tells her she should have called a hearse, not a car repair service. She drives on, but keeps seeing a man hitchhiking no matter how far she drives. Shaken, she finally stops and calls her mother, only to be told that her mother had a nervous breakdown when her daughter was killed in a car accident 6-days ago. She is in disbelief, but returns to her car, where the hitchhiker awaits her. She ultimately realizes that the hitchhiker is death, patiently waiting for her. What I see now that I didn’t see then is that you can’t outrun fate. In the unforgettable final scene, Nan returns to the car and looks in the vanity mirror on the visor. Instead of her reflection, she sees the hitchhiker. He looks at her and asks, “I believe you’re going my way?” Jeebus.

After Hours

There is another episode I can directly blame for one of my phobias and that is my fear of mannequins. In a department store, there is a 9th floor for no one else but the store’s mannequins. Once a month, they take turns living as humans in the real world. When their time is up, they return to the 9th floor, except for the day that Mannequin Marcy decides she likes being human too much and is not going back. My older and wiser take on it now? Serling was telling us that, sometimes, a small taste of honey is worse than none at all.

Time Enough at Last

What a great, great episode that is often ranked as the best Twilight Zone ever. Burgess Meredith stars as Henry Bemis — a man who just wants to get away from the everyday world and bury his nose in a good book. Henry gets his wish one day when the rest of humanity is wiped out in a nuclear attack. He soon discovers an untouched library — a place where he can read in peace for the rest of his existence. Thrilled with his discovery, Bemis settles in. As he gets ready to crack open his first book, the worst happens – he breaks his glasses. Virtually blind, Bemis is now stuck in a world with all the time and books he could ever want and no way to enjoy them. Damn you Rod Serling!

To Serve Man

Another classic. In this episode, mankind has seemingly found a kindly alien savior in the form of the Kanamits — a race of towering space travelers who are all too willing to help Earth get rid of the problems of hunger and war. But their personal manifesto, a book entitled To Serve Man, isn’t the guide for peace that everyone thought it to be. As the woman who figured it all out yells at the end of the episode, “It’s a cookbook! IT’S A COOKBOOK!” Ah, to serve man. It all made chilling sense in the end.

It’s a Good Life

Bill Mumy was absolutely terrifying as the 6-year-old Anthony Freemont, a boy with incredible psychic powers who holds everyone around him under his power. Little Anthony could simply think you out of existence for displeasing him. He was some sort of godlike child with the ability to read minds, make people disappear, mutate other living beings, and control the weather. The adults obviously tiptoe around the temperamental kid, but it never really matters, because he’s six, and six-year-olds aren’t particularly rational in the first place, amirite? Here’s Serling closing quote:

No comment here, no comment at all. We only wanted to introduce you to one of our very special citizens, little Anthony Fremont, age 6, who lives in a village called Peaksville in a place that used to be Ohio. And if by some strange chance you should run across him, you had best think only good thoughts. Anything less than that is handled at your own risk, because if you do meet Anthony, you can be sure of one thing – You have entered The Twilight Zone.”

The Eye of the Beholder

I watched this as a kid and it terrified me for weeks. A young woman undergoes surgery to improve her appearance and look like everyone else. She spends most of the episode swathed in head bandages as shadowy doctors and nurses talk around her. She’s terrified they won’t be able to make her beautiful. When the wraps are removed, the doctors proclaim the procedure a complete failure — but the audience sees the lovely Donna Douglas and wonders what the holy hell they’re talking about. It all becomes clear when the doctors and nurses are revealed. In one of the most memorable Twilight Zone endings of all time, the docs and nurses all look like some sort of mutant pigs. “Eye of the Beholder” indeed.

Long Distance Call

This episode frightened me so much that I promised myself I would never see it again. I lied. After his grandmother dies, a little boy is mysteriously given a phone. On this phone, only calls from his deceased grandmother can come through. Grandma then tries to convince Little Billy to kill himself to join her. And so he tries, several times in several ways. I can say without a doubt that today, this storyline encouraging childhood suicide would never be allowed to be aired. Just normal prime time entertainment for the Twilight Zone, though.

So there ya go, my personal favorite Twilight Zone episodes. What are yours? Let’s hear it!

Source The “Alien” signals have been pinpointed. New research has identified a cradle of young stars 2.4-billion light years away as the source of mysterious fast radio bursts detected on Earth.

These bursts – which each lasted just a few milliseconds – come from dense neutron stars just 12-miles across in the constellation Auriga.

Experts are baffled about these strange bursts, with some speculating it could be a sign of alien life trying to contact us.

And so it begins. The people of Auriga just shooting signals to us like an extra-terrestrial boss, and we’re too damn dumb to interpret them. We need to get our best minds on this immediately, guys like Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan (no idea if he’s still alive), or Bill Nye the Science Guy. Somebody’s gotta decipher those radio bursts, and I mean now. Hell, they could have been a warning, a heads-up telling us the Auriga Armada is on its way to Earth to destroy us all. And spare me with the “2.4-billion light years away is too far away” garbage. Who knows what kind of technology these space people possess? Now excuse me while I go make preparations for the end of mankind.

Thought: I wonder if anybody has tried Morse Code?

I know I post a lot of this stuff but Sweet Mother of God there are some horrific creatures lurking under the surface of the ocean. And listen, don’t give me crap like, “Oh, that’s just a rotting whale” or something. I know a sea monster when I see one, damn it.

[click to enlarge, but at your own risk]

So I perused the worldwide interweb and came up with several predictions 2017for 2017, which I then narrowed down to my Top 4. Oh, we had the usual “end of the world” prognostications, one of which I touch on below. That said, here are my favorites for the coming year. Happy New Year everyone!

Let us begin . . .

Donald Trump Will Never Take Office and the U.S. Will Collapse Into Civil War

A blind Bulgarian mystic named of Baba Vanga predicted this.  She’s big-time famous in Bulgaria, and was visited throughout her life by dignitaries seeking predictions.  She actually became more famous because she had predicted that the 44th president of the United States would be black. This gives her some credibility because Baba died in 1996, long before Barack Obama was well-known. Woot! Baba on a roll!

But hold up a sec. She also predicted that this black president would be the last US president, and that after this the US would collapse into a second civil war. Yikes.

Will it happen? Meh. Odds are slim to none. And by the way, she also got a ton of her predictions wrong. She incorrectly predicted that there would be a 3rd World War from 2010-2014. Negatory. Anyway, will Trump take office? More than likely. I’d give it a 89.3% chance, although there is a slim chance he’ll get a close look at The White House and say “Da Hell? No freakin’ way I’m living in this shithole.” Will there be a Civil War? There will not, so chillax.

2017 Will Be the Year of The Rapture

Hell, The Rapture is predicted every year, amirite?  Wait, that sounded sacrilegious. Let’s try it again. Hey, The Rapture is predicted every year, amirite? But for this blog’s sake let’s pick just one person and go with the Reverend Donna Larson. Her “Rapture and End Times” website claims that this coming year will at long last be the “Rapture” that Christians have been waiting for since the whole “Rapture” idea was invented by John Nelson Darby back in the late 1820’s. To be fair, some authors maintain that the Rapture doctrine originated in the eighteenth century, with the Puritan preachers Increase and Cotton Mather. Old Cotton, incidentally, is mostly famous for his vigorous support of that little unfortunate incident up in Salem, known as the Salem Witch Trials.

But yeah, sorry kids but The Rapture is not mentioned in the Bible. Not explicitly anyway. Oh, it’s arguable but most theologians believe it is not.*

*Please direct all hate mail to Dr. Foster P. Dalrymple, Shoe: Untied Director of Operations, Box 74, Buford, Wyoming, 82052.

Bottom line, Reverend Larson claims that her careful study of scripture reveals that the Earth will be precisely 6,000 years old in 2017, and for some reason that number signifies the end of times.

Will it happen? I’m guessing not likely. Let’s give it a 1% chance. I’m not saying it won’t because I have to cover my bases, but I’m not holding my breath. And as I said, The Rapture is a newer idea than the United States of  America. As a matter of fact, Lewis and Clark began their journey across the west before the Rapture was ever really mentioned anywhere. That said, it’s up to interpretation like everything else, so chill bro.

The Draft Will Return to the USA

This was predicted by some dude named Joseph Tittel, who also likes to go by the name of “Spiritman Joseph.” On a related note, if my name was Tittel I’d probably prefer Spiritman Joseph too. Tittel is another one of those shady  “mediums,” whose biggest claim to fame was appearing on a reality game show called America’s Psychic Challenge. Remember it? Me either. Anyway, this guy likes to make predictions about just about everything. He predicted, among other things, that in 2017 there will be political instability and a return to the military draft in the United States.

Will it happen? Well since this is a two-parter I’ll say this – yes, there will be some political instability in the USA. Hey, we did elect a reality TV show star as our president. I’ll give it a 79% chance of happening. Will there be a draft? Naw, I don’t think so. A draft doesn’t makes a lot of sense for the modern US military. I’ll give it a 3% chance of happening because, you know, Trump. By the way, literally weeks before this prediction Tittel had predicted that Hillary Clinton would win the US Election. He claimed she’d serve 2-terms and would suffer 3 assassination attempts. What sort of fool would have predicted a Clinton win? Wait. Never mind.

There Will be a Huge Scandal in the Mainstream Media

Who in the hell predicted This? Well, it’s actually in an article by CBS news about predictions for 2017. In the article, CBS News actually predicts that 2017 will have a “big scandal involving the press.” This cracks me up because it’s sort of like predicting a rapper will shoot somebody or a Kardashian will take their clothes off to get attention.

Well it happen? Uh, can I say a number higher than 100%? Because yes, it will happen. Der.

So there ya go, my thoughts on the probabilities that world predictions for 2017 will come true. I predict that 37.3% of Shoe: Untied readers will find this interesting. Thank you and good day.

 

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Yowza.

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My daughter was 3-years old, and I was getting her ready for the day. She had been waking up with nightmares almost every night for a month or two. I asked what she wanted for breakfast, and she told me she wanted to share it with the dead baby in her closet. I thought she meant one of her dolls, but when I pulled them out, she said “No, not a doll, the dead one that sleeps on the closet floor at night.”

 

doll

Roman Fedortsov is a deep sea fisherman who resides in Russia. He’s been taking photos of SWEET MOTHER OF GOD WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE THINGS?

Seriously, I ran across these photos on the Moscow Times website (seriously, I read the Moscow Times online and it’s damn good) and they’re apparently real. This dude is reportedly based in Murmansk, which is a real place in Russia and not another planet where Hell has opened up and set demons free to roam the land and the seas.

As you peruse these adorable photos, please remember that we as humans have explored just 5% of the world’s oceans. Chills, man. I don’t know the official names of these atrocities so I’ll make some up on my own. Enjoy, and happy swimming!

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Basic Poisonous Ocean Spider. This is a baby.

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Here we have the Aborted Ocean Piglet, the Bug-Eyed Snot Eel and his cousin the Bug-Eyed Turd Eel.

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The rare Laser-Eyed Blackfish from Hell.

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creature3

A run-of-the-mill Giant-Eyed Saw-Toothed Demon Lizard.

creature2

The Loch Ness Million-Toothed Monster.

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I’m sorry but that’s no fish. That’s an alien. Jeebus.

On a related note . . .

alien

My 5-year old asked me when he is going to be 23 and I told him in 18-years. He replied, “Well, I hope don’t die again ’cause that’s how old I was the last time I went to heaven.”

 

yikes

Why are you crying?
“Bad man.”
“What bad man?”
Points behind me at a dark corner of the room and says, “There.”
She slept in our bed that night.

 

scared

My 3-year old daughter stood next to her newborn brother, looked at him for awhile, then turned and looked at me and said, “Daddy, it’s a monster. We should bury it.”

 

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My sister, Hailey, was born exactly two months after our great-grandmother Irene died. One day Hailey woke up and informed us it was her 95th birthday. When we tried to reason with her she started crying, saying that her real name was Irene, not Hailey. This lasted all day. The next day she didn’t remember anything.

 

littlegirl

My sister described her “imaginary” friend, saying: “He sits on my bed and waits for his mom. He’s not allowed to go home by himself because of his arm.” I asked what happened to his arm, and she said: “His mom ran him over when he was drawing with chalk. That’s why he’s always crying, because he doesn’t like being dead.”

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When my son was small, I was talking to him about growing potatoes. I described how you bank up the earth around them as they grow, and he said “I know Dad. I used to do that when I was an old man.”

 

potato

Holy cow, it’s indisputable proof of the Abominable Snowman! That’s a Yeti if I’ve ever seen one, man! Finally, proof positive that it exists!

Note: Or it may have been a dog or a cow or something. I couldn’t really tell.

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David Blaine is a warlock.

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Yeah, so I guess these coins were unearthed while some dudes were renovating a house in Egypt? Nothing really much to see here, other than the fact that they have ALIEN HEADS AND SPACESHIPS CARVED INTO THEM. Oh, and one of the coins has OPPORTUNUS ADEST” carved on the back, Latin for “it’s here in due time.” Guess that means they’re coming back? Awesome.

Note – Seriously, I can’t take it anymore. First, the host of The Apprentice might by president and now proof that aliens have visited earth. Brain overload, man. 

Note 2 – I can’t wait until one of my so-called Facebook “friends” who is really working for the government tries to tell us all this is fake. Hogwash, man. I know a real alien coin when I see one.

Note 3: That last coin with the alien head is freaky. Chills, man.

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This is a real yearbook of Michael Lee, taken from a 1993 yearbook. Dude knew, man. Dude freaking knew.

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gascapSorta sounds like a Hardy Boys or Nancy Drew mystery, amirite? But seriously, I once had a mystery involving a lost gas cap.

I mentioned this briefly in a story a couple years ago, but thankfully this was a mystery that ultimately had an explanation, albeit a bit of a mind-bending one.

Here’s what went down. One year while driving home from vacation, I stopped to get gas on the West Virginia Turnpike. So far so good. But as I pulled back onto the highway and started to accelerate I heard something bouncing on the roof of my 4-Runner.

What the hell?

It was then I suddenly realized I’d put the gas cap on the roof as I filled up (this was before they were attached) and forgot to replace it. That was my gas cap bouncing away, presumably onto the highway and into oblivion.

Although it was an inconvenience, it was otherwise not that big of a deal. When I got home I bought a new one and went on with my life. However . . .

It had to have been 2-months later as I was walking out to get my mail when I noticed something in my driveway. I walked over, looked down, and there on the ground, unmistakably, was my original gas cap.

What the hell? To say I was bewildered was an understatement.

As odd as it sounds, the first thing that raced across my mind was the irrational thought that somebody had found my gas cap, brought it to my house, and threw it in my driveway.

Of course, that made zero sense, and even if somebody had found my gas cap, decided to return it and somehow figured out where I lived, I’m pretty sure they’d knock on my door rather than toss it in my driveway.

After getting my head together and thinking this over for a few minutes, the only thing I could surmise was that it had been stuck on the roof of my 4-Runner somehow, probably on the luggage rack, and had fallen off in my driveway. That had to be it, right?

Still, what are the odds that, after me driving around for weeks, it would fall off right there in my driveway?

That’s one hell of a coincidence.

So this video is busting out all over the interweb and people are going nutso over it. Anyhoo, I bet the folks over at Loch Ness are pissed, huh? They’ve been over there selling Loch Ness Monster t-shirts and bumper stickers for years and now this big guy comes along, on Halloween no less, just swimming along like a boss and stealing all the ink. Diabolical move by the Alaskan beast. Just savage. Here’s a look. Appears to be a 4 or 5-foot fish to me, but what do I know?

Note: Be sure and watch the second video. It’s about the legendary Providence Sea Monster and it’s an absolute cinematic classic.

Note 2: Experts are now saying the Alaska video may actually be of a big Sturgeon. Boom. See? I told you so.

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Oddly enough there have been a few songs that, coincidentally or not, seemed to foretell the future. I know, weird, but I wouldn’t lie to y’all. Anyhoo, let’s take a gander . . .

Wilco: Yankee Hotel Foxtrot (album)

A lot of folks believe this album predicted 9/11. Let’s take a look.

First of all, from the song “Jesus, Etc.”:

“Tall buildings shake, Voices escape singing sad sad songs,

Voices whine, Skyscrapers are scraping together, Your voice is smoking.”

Well, that is a little unnerving I suppose. Let’s continue . . .

From the song “War on War”:

“Moving forward through the flaming doors, You have to lose, You have to learn how to die if you want to be alive.”

Yikes. Still, not that bad I guess? Wait . . .

Yankee Hotel Foxtrot was to be released on September 11th, 2001.

Want more? Here are a couple of other nifty notes about this album:

1) It features another song called “Ashes of American Flags” and

2) The cover art bears a passing resemblance to a couple of tall buildings.

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Holy . . .

Lynyrd Skynyrd: Street Survivors (album)

On October 20, 1977, just three days after the release of the now unfortunately titled Street Survivors, the plane Lynyrd Skynyrd was traveling in crashed in a forest near Gillsburg, Mississippi. The line “the smell of death surrounds you” in the song “That Smell” took on a whole new ugly meaning after three bandmates, including lead singer Ronnie Van Zant, perished. As if the song and the album title weren’t enough, thanks to the plane crash, Street Survivors now had quite possibly the most inappropriate album cover in the history of albums covers.

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Oh boy.

Yep, that’s Lynyrd Skynyrd and yep, they are indeed on fire. Unfortunate, man.

Hank Williams: I’ll Never Get Out of this World Alive

Well hell, that pretty much lays it out there, huh? Then again, we’re all dying at some point so maybe it’s not that big of a deal. Then again, there’s this little nugget – “I’ll Never Get Out Of This World Alive” was the last single Hank Williams released in his lifetime. Consider the chorus:

“No matter how I struggle and strive. I’ll never get out of this world alive.”

Ole’ Hank barely made it out of the rest of the year alive. On the morning of January 1st, 1953, just months after the song was released, he was pronounced dead at the Oak Hill Hospital emergency room.

Note: After Hank’s death his record sales skyrocketed, so he was the first artist whose family and record company benefited from his passing. Elvis, John Lennon and many others followed. Wait. Does Beethoven count?

Jimi Hendrix: The Ballad of Jimi

hendrixIn 1965 Jimi Hendrix waltzed into a New York recording studio and cut a new song about how some brother named Jimi was going to be dead in five years. “The Ballad of Jimi” starts when Hendrix declares that the song is dedicated to the memory of his best friend. That the friend’s name is a guitar player named Jimi is apparently to be chalked up to coincidence. Seriously, that’s what they thought at the time. Then again, they were all probably drugged out of their skulls so there’s that.

If you don’t mind being weirded out of your mind, take a gander at these lyrics:

Many things he would try, for he knew soon he’d die, Now Jimi’s gone, he’s not alone, His memory still lives on. Five years, this he said. He’s not gone, he’s just dead.”

And nearly 5-years later to the day, he was dead, having choked to death on his own vomit. Sweet son of a mother that’s creepy.

The Buggles: Video Killed the Radio Star

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Visionaries I tell ya!

Sure, there were music videos as far back as the 60’s (see The Beatles, man), but it wasn’t until MTV was unleashed on the world at 12:01am on August 1, 1981, when this video was first shown. The thing is, the video predicted exactly what was to come. Cool.

There’s another song that purported to predict the future called “Murder Was The Case”, but it was by Snoop Dogg and predicted he’d be charged with murder, which came true a couple years later. But seriously, is it that much of a stretch for a rapper to predict he’d be charged with murder? I think not. Because of this I left a song by Tupac out as well.

Have a great weekend.