When Naming Your Balls Gets You Into Trouble

Nah, it’s not what you think.

I was recently alerted to a horrific epidemic running rampant amongst the Ohio high school bowling community, and that is the inappropriate naming of bowling balls.

I’m serious.

An email was recently sent from the Ohio High School Athletic Association to all administrators informing them of this abominable practice. The email stated that school districts should be aware of and monitor bowling balls with names of “questionable nature” and that may display words or phrases that many would consider “lewd, profane or racially insensitive” and could potentially “incite violence.”

I’m swear I’m being dead serious here.

The email even included a link to examples of names that may not be appropriate on bowling balls, bags or bowling shirts. The OHSAA actually reviewed 4500 bowling balls to come up with this list. Kids, I cannot make this stuff up.

But it gets better.

After reviewing said list, I’ve chosen a few of my favorites for you, my loyal readers. Why? Because I care. And also because it’s the height of hilarity.

Let us proceed:

THE HELLRAISER

YES!!! Well, I guess the word hell is inappropriate. Still, who raises more hell than a high school bowler?

BAD ASS

Isn’t this a bit redundant? Aren’t bowlers badass by nature?* And I always thought it was spelled BADASS, one word.

*That’s sarcasm, people. Why do I have to spell it out?

SAVE THE TATAS

Isn’t this a breast cancer awareness phrase for t-shirts and whatnot? I see no problem here. Besides, the tatas definitely need saved.

THE BLACK NUTS

[Insert your own BALLS/NUTS joke here]

BACKYARD BULLY

Again, bowlers and bullies sort of go hand-in-hand, amirite? This bully, however, does not extend beyond the back yard.

RANSOM DEMAND

Well, things certainly took a turn down a dark road here, huh? RANSOM DEMAND? I don’t get bowlers.

HOOLIGAN

I see absolutely nothing wrong with HOOLIGAN. It’s a fairly innocuous name, isn’t it? Still, nothing scarier than a hooligan bowling ball. I have no idea what I’m saying anymore.

VENDETTA KILLER

Sweet Mother! Why so violent, Ohio high school bowlers? Why? You not only name your ball after a killer, but a killer with a vendetta. Diabolical.

BLACK WIDOW ASSASSIN

Man, these bowlers have an evil side, no? Good Lord. Everything revolves around murder and death. What other kind of murder could they possibly come up with? Oh, wait . . .

ARSON DEATH

Sure, why not? Death by fire! How could I have forgotten?

RAW HAMMER CRIME

Well, now we’re getting right down to it, aren’t we? The mind can only imagine what crime could be committed with a hammer, let a alone a raw one. Chilling.

THE BIG DEAL CUT-THROAT

Some of these names don’t make a lot of sense to me. BIG DEAL CUT-THROAT? This guy’s ball is not only sort of a big deal, but it’s also cut-throat. I’ve never really thought of bowling and cutting throats as going hand-in-hand, but hey, I’m learning.

BUZZBOMB AGENT ORANGE

Sure, let’s bring a deadly herbicide used in Viet Nam into the equation because, why not? What, no NAPALM?

CHAINSAW MASSACRE

Ah, a movie reference. Finally. but seriously, what’s so wrong with THE WILLY WONKA?

MASSACRE BLUE DEATH

Are they naming these backwards on purpose? Isn’t BLUE DEATH MASSACRE a better name? Good God, I’m now correcting psychotic high school bowlers.

PRIMAL RAGE

I bet this guy’s got a hell of a delivery. “Clear the lanes! PRIMAL RAGE is up!”

So there you go. Some of my favorite actually used, but now banned, bowling ball names in the state of Ohio. Again, I swear this is all true.

The real question is, why are bowlers naming their balls, and why are they naming them with such violently wild monikers? Why not name your ball Eddie or Frank? Maybe Sweet Pea? I think Sweet Pea would be a good name for a bowling ball.

Here’s my theory. I can visualize a bunch of nerd bowlers, guys that couldn’t make the football, basketball or wrestling teams, so they feel a little lacking in the machismo department. What do they do to compensate? They name their balls. And they name them brutal, fierce, murderous names such as the ones above. It makes them feel BAD ASS. Or BADASS. Let’s just hope they don’t snap and commit a RAW HAMMER CRIME.

Anywho, interesting phenomenon, don’t you think? Bowlers naming their balls like this? Who knew?

Thought: I’ve already pissed off LeBron James fanboys, possibly LeBron James himself, and clowns. Now I may have the bowling community after me. Heaven help me.

PS: I just received an email from a bowler mom who wasn’t happy with my theory regarding the naming of balls, and in particular my use of the word “nerd”. I assured her that I’m sure her son isn’t a nerd. It’s humor, folks, and thanks to the 99.9999% of you that get it.