Archive for the ‘Opinion’ Category

ZimbabweA pastor has been killed after he was eaten by three crocodiles while trying to walk on water, it has been claimed. Jonathan Mthethwa was trying to show his congregation how Jesus walked on water by crossing what is locally known as Crocodile River on foot, according to local reports.

However, he did not make it across the river in Zimbabwe.

The pastor, from the Saint of the Last Days church, managed to get around 90-ft into the river, the paper reported, before trying to climb onto the surface of the river.

Eyewitness Deacon Nkosi told Zimbabwe Today: ‘The pastor taught us about faith on Sunday last week. He promised he would demonstrate his faith to us today, but he unfortunately ended up drowning and getting eaten by three large crocodiles in front of us. We still don’t understand how this happened because he fasted and prayed the whole week. They finished him in a couple of minutes. All that was left of him when they finished eating him is a pair of sandals and his underwear floating above the water.”

First off, I’m trying hard as hell not to laugh at the fact that the gators passed on eating the underwear, I really am. But can you believe the gators passed on eating the underwear? Gators, man. Even they have their limits. But seriously, Pastor Jonathan Mthethwa, I’ve always questioned this line of thinking where faith is concerned. “Hey, let’s really push God to the limit! I’m going to grab this rattlesnake to prove I have faith! The Lord will save me!” Well, maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll just wonder why you didn’t use the common sense he gave you as he watches you die a painful death from internal hemorrhaging. I mean, God helps those who help themselves, amirite?

Note: This reminds me of the old story about the man who was in his house as flood waters rose outside his door. A guy in a boat came by and offered to help, but the man said, “No thanks, God will provide help for me.” As the water rose, two more men in boats came by and were told the same thing. Eventually the man drowned, and when he stood at the pearly gates  he had this conversation with God:

Man: “I believed in you and had faith you would help me. Why did you forsake me?”

God: “I sent three boats for you. What else did you expect, man?”

He’s coming for you, Donald.

GQ- Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, the highest paid movie star on the planet and a committed dad, told GQ that he’s thinking about running for president of the United States.

“I think that it’s a real possibility,” the “Baywatch” actor confessed. “A year ago, it started coming up more and more. There was a real sense of earnestness, which made me go home and think, ‘Let me really rethink my answer and make sure I am giving an answer that is truthful and also respectful.’”

You know, years ago I would have laughed at this notion. A professional fake wrestler running for leader of the free world? No way he could win, right? Nowadays though, well, things have changed a little haven’t they? I used to think that Arnold being elected Governor of California and Jesse “The Body” Ventura running the show in Minnesota were anomalies, but no more. Not after this whole Donald thing. And hey, The Rock is qualified. After all, he’s a movie star and committed dad. Anyway, I’m going to get in on the ground floor of this “Rock for President” thing, baby.

PS- Seriously, can you imagine Trump vs The Rock in 2020? That would be stellar.

I had an interesting conversation with somebody the other day about my basketball team’s policy of “dressing up” for games. The person I was talking to questioned why we did it and wondered if it was necessary in 2017. I asked if he was talking about our coaching staff or our players, and he basically said he was referring to both.*

*Actually the first thing I wanted to ask him was if his brain had slid out of the back of his skull, but I was in a good mood.

Listen, I don’t necessarily think the way we do things is the perfect way, nor do I judge programs that are run differently. It’s just my own personal view on how things should be done, simple as that.

Number one, I have a lot of respect for the game of basketball. I’ve seen it change lives. Hell, I’ve seen it save lives. You may think I’m exaggerating, but I am not. I’ve seen it at the high school level and I’ve seen it at the college level. Basketball can give people a purpose, and a reason, to better themselves, and even to live.

Am I being melodramatic? No, because I’ve seen it.

I’ve seen sports, and in my case basketball, give kids a reason to stay in school, to go to class, to focus on their future, and to keep on going.

Coaches too.

So yeah, I think the game deserves our respect. Because of this I wear ties to games. No polos and no sweatsuits for me (sorry Huggs). And my team will wear ties on most nights, and traveling gear on others. But what they won’t do is wear jeans and t-shirts. It’s the same reason you won’t see any shimmying, dancing, or otherwise acting like a fool on the court from my guys.

Not gonna happen.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want emotionless robots on the court either. Positive emotions are great, there’s nothing wrong with pumping a fist or otherwise getting fired up, I love that sort of thing. But what I don’t want is a bunch of clowns on the court, making a mockery of a great game or showing up our opponent.

Hey, I know I’m in the minority here, with NBA players prancing about like tools after every routine shot, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to give in. Can’t do it, won’t do it. And I know some of you won’t get it, that you’ll look at me like I have a marmoset on my head.

That’s O.K. Gotta fight the good fight, man.

Anyway, that’s the simple answer to why we wear neckties. Just a simple respect for the game. After all it’s done for me, it’s the least I can do for it.

PS- Please spare me the old, “Oh, lighten up and let them have fun!” That’s just dumb. You know what’s fun? Winning is fun. Let’s try and do that and the fun will follow.

PPS- I also touched on this subject in a blog called Basketball’s Unwritten Rules: What Happened? Read it, man.

PPPS- Yeah, like this. Disgusting.

 

 

So I ran across this girl’s question regarding her ongoing relationship with her boyfriend Derek. Let’s call her Heather, because it seems like her name would be Heather. No offense Heathers. Anyway, read the letter, followed by my reply, then let me know what you think about it.

Q: I had been dating my boyfriend, Derek, for five years (from ages 20 to 25) and up until recently we had lived together for two and a half. When we first moved in together, I told him I wanted a proposal within the next year or else I would leave. He said this was completely doable and said he figured it would even happen before then!

So a year goes by and there’s no proposal. Derek says he needs more time to save up for a ring, so I tell him he has six months. I say ok and warn that I’ll leave if he doesn’t. Again, no ring. This time he says he can’t find a ring that’s “perfect,” so I pick one out that I like and he says to give him six months to save for it.

Another six months go by and NO RING. By now it’s been two years that I’ve been waiting to get married, so I tell him he has another six months and that it’s his last chance because I love him. Again, nothing – and this time he says it’s because he’s not sure if I’m “The One.” Ok, then why the fuck didn’t you say that two years ago Derek??

I finally had my fill of his lying. Last Friday I packed up all my stuff, took my name off our joint bills and moved out (my name is not on our lease.)

Derek does not have money problems and makes more than I do, so his excuse about saving for a ring was bullshit. It’s not like I even needed an expensive ring! Just a regular diamond ring that costs between $2,000 – 3,000. At one point he even said he’d go down to a pawn shop to get a ring RIGHT THEN and propose RIGHT THEN, but I felt like that would be cheap and he was only offering it to get me to stop talking. He told me we were soulmates, but refused to get the ring.

Did I do the right thing, yes or no?

Heather, Heather, Heather. First off, what’s the rush, kid? Hell, women wait to get married when they’re 35 or 40 these days, and sometimes not at all. Nobody cares. Why? Because, you know, they have careers and stuff. This isn’t 1922 when people would start calling you an Old Maid if you weren’t married by the age of 28. It’s a new day, sista. Welcome to 1970.

Secondly, guys don’t like deadlines for this type of thing. Demanding a ring is sort a bad move, don’tcha think? Dudes don’t like that kind of pressure, man. If you’re so obsessed with a diamond, wearing a white dress and having your big day you should’ve kicked Derek to the curb after he missed your first deadline, then gone and found a guy who wanted the same thing as you.

Finally, it’s pretty clear Derek has been stringing you along for several freaking years. I mean, those excuses are pretty lame. Can’t find the “right” ring? R-i-g-h-t. Heather, here’s the deal. Your big mistake was made when you moved in with this guy. He had you right where he wanted you, so why get married? The only thing a ring would’ve changed is that Derek would’ve been poorer.

So Heather, to answer your question, yes, you did the right thing. A little late, but ultimately you did. Now go find another guy to squeeze a ring out of.

So, thoughts?

So I posted that photo of Pharrell William’s wife and the weird-ass outfit she wore to the Met Gala this past weekend, and it turns out that was just the beginning. Here’s my girl Katy Perry, who showed up in something people might wear on Uranus. What the hell is on her head, gadgets to help her contact aliens or something? Honestly, these designers are just messing with us now, right? Just throwing crap together to see if these celebs will wear it. Crazy Town, man.

Listen, it’s no secret that I think Donald Trump is batshit crazy and the most unfit and unprepared human being to ever be elected leader of the free world. And while I voted for Hillary, I did so whilst looking sideways and holding my nose. Our choices in 2016 weren’t the greatest, man. That said, here’s where we are, with a former reality TV show host as President of the United States and the woman he defeated totally out of touch with reality.

Hillary is out and about again, presumably after 6-months of sitting in a corner and repeating, “I was beaten by an orange guy who grabs women by the pu$$y?”

Well, she was, she’s out, and she still doesn’t grasp what happened. At a Women for Women International conference she was quoted as saying, “I was on the way to winning until FBI Director James Comey’s letter on October 28th raised doubts in voters leaning toward me.” She also said that “Misogyny played a role as well.”

Uh, I hate to tell you this, Hill, but the doubts were already there. Had to be. Oh, I’m sure a few folks changed their minds after that letter, but no way did it swing the election. As far as her gender, of course there are nitwits who wouldn’t vote for a woman regardless, but we all knew that going in, right?

Bottom line, people didn’t trust Hillary Clinton and haven’t for years. She’d been caught in lies and she’s always had this sketchy, phony vibe about her. Say what you want about her husband (who I loved and still love), but he had a charisma that drew voters to him. He could be convincing when he wanted to be (insert Monica Lewinsky joke here), and Hillary has never been able to pull that off. Combine that with Trump telling a lot of people exactly what they wanted to hear and we ended up where we are.

Hillary should just come clean, tell everyone she blew the election, and move on with her life.

But blaming everyone except herself? Big mistake.

Honestly, this may have been the moment she lost the election.

So our esteemed president had a little run-in at the White House recently. Check out the hilarious video first:

See, here’s where Donnie gets in trouble. Twitter Trump and President Trump are two entirely different people. A few months ago The Donald woke up, heard something from someone he passed in the hallway, shot out a couple tweets about Obama illegally wiretapping, and he’s been hammered about it ever since. Here John Dickerson is grilling him in the Oval Office about his own words and things went downhill quickly. He clearly can’t take it and he hates being called on it. Last week he said that the presidency is harder than he thought, that it’s more work than his previous job. Gee, ya think? Being the leader of the free world is a bitch, man. You have to be, you know, held accountable and stuff. That’s not fair, man. Get the hell out of my office.

PS-  I love the “everybody’s talking about it” line. That’s so Trump it hurts.

 

Say goodbye to Hi-C Orange at McDonald’s. The fast-food chain will begin phasing out the beverage on May 1, according to a memo posted this week on Reddit. A representative for McDonald’s told Eat This, Not That that all locations will stop carrying the drink after July.

According to the memo, the chain is introducing a new “proprietary” beverage called Sprite TropicBerry that will be served exclusively at McDonald’s locations. It’s part of the company’s partnership with Coca-Cola.

McDonald’s website touts Hi-C Orange Lavaburst as “packed with crisp citrus flavor,” but customers won’t be able to enjoy it for much longer. You may still have time to order the drink because McDonald’s locations are advised to keep selling it until their current supply is gone.

At least one McDonald’s franchise owner expects a backlash from the move, writing, “It’s gonna be a fun few weeks up ahead. Hi-C is one of the more popular drinks at my location.”

Why, McDonald’s, why?

It’s a dark, dark day in the world of fast food beverages, kids. Just couldn’t get any bleaker. You know what I’ve ordered to drink every time I’ve visited Mickey D’s, ever? Hi-C Orange, man. Why? Because it’s the Nectar of the Gods. It’s the beginning of the end for McDonald’s.

As far as I’m concerned McDonald’s and their Sprite TropicBerry can go straight to hell.

Sometimes people think too much. And sometimes, they give too much power to a bunch of goofballs in their art department or advertising or whoever the hell makes these decisions. Anyway, below you can see the logo the Milwaukee Brewers used from 1978 to 1993:

 See, it’s an M and a B in the form of a glove with a baseball in it. That, my friends, is perfection. How could you improve on that? The answer is you couldn’t. Still, they tried. Sigh.

Well for God’s sake. That’s their logo from 1994 to 1999. Just awful. Confusing too. So, they changed it in 2000 to this:

Good God. Still turrible. And to think they had perfection and had to mess with it for the sake of change. For the love of God Milwaukee Brewers, admit your mistake and go back to the classic. People will thank you for it.

Getting Over Losing

Posted: April 25, 2017 in Coaching, Opinion, Sports
Tags:

We had a tough loss in our state district tournament a couple months ago, and the other day somebody asked me how long it takes to get over a loss like that. The answer?

Never. You never get over it. Not really.

Ask any coach or player in any sport and they’ll say the same thing, if they’re a true competitor. I remember the very first year I coached, and it was Junior High basketball. We lost a tough game early on, as as I looked back at the team from the front of the bus most of them were quietly chatting, smiling and having casual conversations. However, there were a couple who were sitting by themselves, a serious look on their faces, just staring out the bus windows.

Guess which two players ended up being the best high school players? You guessed it.

Nearly every kid I’ve ever coached has loved to win, but the best players I ever coached hated to lose. There’s a big difference.

I coached in a very successful program early in my coaching career, and we lost in the regional final game. One of our players missed a shot at the buzzer to win the game, and it haunts him to this day. He told me it still crosses his mind more than anyone would imagine.

Back in 1993 I had one of the best teams in Ohio, and at one point we were ranked #2 in the state. We lost a key player a little over halfway through the season, were never quite the same, and ended up losing our very first game of the tournament. It doesn’t bother me as much as it used to, but although it happened over two decades ago I still think about it probably once a week, just going over in my head what I could have done differently.

Trust me, coaches and players are much harder on themselves than any fan could ever be.

That game we lost back in early March? I’ll never watch the game film. Too painful. Same for that game 24-years ago. Won’t watch it, can’t watch it.

Listen, I know some people won’t understand, they’ll say it’s just a game, not life and death, and they’re right. As I’ve said before, ultimately coaching and playing sports is about relationships and not wins and losses.

But that doesn’t make losing any easier. In fact, being close to your players makes it harder.

Losing? We learn to live with it, but we never, ever get over it.

The AdvocateA plan to quietly ban dodgeball and other “target games” from public schools was shelved Tuesday by Louisiana’s top school board.

The sweeping prohibition was in a new set of physical education benchmarks drawn up by nearly two dozen teachers and others.

“Human target games (e.g. dodge ball) and drills that promote aggressive behaviors by attacking and overpowering other humans are not to be permitted,” according to the proposed standards.

Sponsors of the change said they were surprised by the reaction.

“Honestly, I didn’t think it was going to be an issue,” Kathy Hill, a member of the committee, said a few hours after the meeting.

First things first:

Secondly, Ms. Kathy Hill can go straight to hell. Dodgeball is the greatest game on earth. I bet little Timmy Hill is one of those kids that stand in the back during the dodgeball game, afraid to get hit, while the real go-getters just try and pummel the crap out of him. I also bet Kathy runs to his defense every time he faces the tiniest bit of adversity. Bravo, Louisiana State School Board. Bravo.

PS- Hey, I’ve told you of my love for dodgeball in the acclaimed blog Dodgeball: A Microcosm of Life. Do yourself a favor and read it, man.

Yep. And as you can read below, you can own a pair for a mere $425. Honestly, what kind of a moron would buy these? Number one, why would you want to wear pretend-dirty jeans and look like a homeless dude? Number two, why would you spend $425 on them? On a related note, people are dumb.

CNNDonald Trump’s travel to his private club in Florida has cost over an estimated $20-million in his first 80-days as president, putting the president on pace in his first year of office to surpass former President Barack Obama’s spending on travel for his entire 8-years.

If this surprises you, well, you haven’t been paying attention. And everybody, including our game show host turned President of the United States of America, bitched about how much vacation time Obama took. Here’s an example of one of The Donald’s many tweets:

“President @BarackObama’s vacation is costing taxpayers millions of dollars—-Unbelievable!”

Hey, at least he didn’t add a “SAD!” in there. But hey, Melania is still living in, and being protected at, Trump Tower at our expense ($500,000 a day) so there’s that. Can’t waste time in that trash dump at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. That would suck, man. Anyhoo, gotta hand it to Donnie. Dude shoves it in our face like you read about. Zero conscience.

I’m sure Fox News will be outraged by all this. Expect a full report soon.

On a related note, this is pretty funny, in retrospect:

PS- Honestly? I could not care less how many vacation days a president takes. It’s not the quantity of days spent on the job, after all, but the quality. The hypocrisy of Trump, however, is hilarious. 

 

For the past few weeks people have been going crazy about Michael Jordan’s proclamation after a North Carolina game that, “The ceiling is the roof!” He was at mid-court speaking to the crowd at the time, by the way.

Jordan has been getting pummelled and ridiculed in social media and on sports talk shows for making such a nonsensical statement. Nobody can seem to make sense of it, and my question is this:

Why?

Makes perfect sense to me. See, people are always saying certain players, or programs, have a ceiling, meaning they can only get to a certain point at which they achieve their maximum potential. They can then go no further.

Well, Jordan, who was at a basketball game but was actually talking about NC football, was saying that the program can go higher than they’re expected to, that their ceiling could actually their roof.

Is that really too difficult to understand?

So I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and the subject of time travel came up. This is not a surprise because it fascinates the hell out of me and I enjoy discussing it. You realize there is nothing in the laws of physics to prevent time travel, don’t you? It may be extremely difficult to put into practice, but it is not impossible. You know how jets can exceed the speed of sound? That “BOOM” you hear is the sound of the plane breaking the sound barrier. Then, when you look up the jet is way ahead of the sound, right? Now imagine a jet that could exceed the speed of light. I know, doesn’t sound plausible but neither did airplanes, the internet or Donald Trump back in 1850. Anyway, since the jet was faster than light you’d look up and see its image but the jet would actually be somewhere farther ahead. Still with me? Now imagine that same jet flying in a big circle. Soon the occupants would see themselves up ahead, but in an earlier time. And the bigger the circle the farther back in time the jet up ahead would be. Make sense? OK, sorry to ramble, but the conversation soon turned to what historical events we’d love to go back and witness, and eventually to this blog. Let us commence . . .

CONCERT

Sure, seeing The Beatles on Ed Sullivan live or maybe even being at Sun Studios the day the Million Dollar Quartet jammed would’ve been great. But my choice would be going to a show at The Cavern Club on 10 Matthew Street, Liverpool, in the early summer of 1963. The Beatles performed 292 times at the club in 1961, 1962 and 1963, culminating in a final appearance there on August 3rd, 1963—one month after the group recorded “She Loves You”, and 6-months before their first trip to the United States in February of ’64. The Cavern Club is where The Beatles partied, lived, and where they honed their craft. Being there just one night, just before they burst upon the world, would be amazing.

Note: There’s a wall sculpture that hangs on Mathew Street today with words that say simply, “Four Lads Who Shook the World.” Someday I hope to see it.

SPORTS

I’ve been lucky enough to have attended the Final 4, the World Series and the NBA All-Star Game. I also saw Hank Aaron tie Babe Ruth’s career home run record. On a embarrassing note, I had tickets to the NBA Dunk Contest the year Michael Jordan and Dominique Wilkins went at it but missed it due to circumstances I won’t go into here. Note: I went into it here. Still, if I had to pick it would have to be the college basketball championship game in which UCLA center Bill Walton was nearly perfect,  scoring 44 points on 21-of-22 shooting as his Bruins topped Memphis State. Walton was my favorite player, a team guy, and a joy to watch. Sorry, Magic and Wilt.

HISTORY

Would I have wanted to be there the day Joshua Chamberlain’s troops ran out of ammo at Gettysburg and he made the history changing decision that culminated with him yelling, “BAYONETS!” before leading his troops down Little Round Top? Hells to the yah I would. I’d also love to be there on November 22nd, 1963 so I could either stop John Kennedy’s assassination or at least find out what really happened. Still, if I had but one choice it would be to spend the evening of December 25th, 1776, with General George Washington, the night he made the decision to turn his bedraggled troops around, cross the Delaware, and attack the dreaded Hessians at Trenton, New Jersey. That battle turned around the Revolutionary War. That evening George had read this excerpt from Thomas Paine’s “The Crisis”, published 2-days prior:

“These are the times that try men’s souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.”

And then he attacked, turning the war in our favor. Without George Washington’s courageous decision that night, you may not be where you are right now and reading this blog. I’d have loved to be sitting around the campfire with him that night.

I know there will be many differing opinions, and I’d like to hear them. So, what say you?

So March Madness begins this week, and all the talking heads will be spewing forth their “expert analysis.” Along with this will be several tired, worn out, and sometimes nonsensical statements. Off the top of my head, here are a few of them:

“This is the time of year when defense will win games for you.”

  • Yes, because we all know defense doesn’t win games for you in the regular season.

“This is the time of year when offense will win games for you.”

  • Yes, because we all know offense doesn’t win games for you in the regular season.

“This guy can really score the basketball.”

  • Listen, you can score, you can be a great scorer, but you cannot score the basketball. And if you could, what else is there to score anyway, besides the basketball? The Pineapple Upside-Down Cake?

Never underestimate a Tom Izzo (or somebody) coached team.”

  • I love Izzo but his Spartans lost their first game in the tournament last year. They also went 19-14 this season, and in every victory they were apparently underestimated. You should never do that.

“Arizona (or somebody) has to travel cross country to play. This will hurt their chances.”

  • Sigh. I actually heard the word “grueling” when describing one of these trips. Just a heads-up for you, but these teams aren’t traveling by covered wagon. Many have charters and private jets. They’re relaxing in in-flight luxury and their bags will be waiting for them when they arrive in their fancy hotels.

“This team is a mid-major, but they’re very quick and athletic.”

  • Translation: This team has a lot of 6′-6″ black guys on its roster.

“This team is a hard-working, fundamental team. They bring their hard hats to work.”

  • Translation: This team has a lot of 6′-6″ white guys on its roster.

“Michigan (or somebody) is hot at the right time.”

  • Incorrect. What happened before this week is not “the right time.” The “right time” is from this Thursday onward. Get hot then and you have something.

“Guard play will win games for you in the tournament.”

  • That is true. So will post play, coaching, defense, and a million other things.

“Post play will win games for you in the tournament.”

  • See “Guard play will win games for you in the tournament.”

“Look out for Wisconsin (or somebody). They have a lot of senior leadership.”

  • Sure, having seniors helps. But I’ll take a team with 5 underclassmen who are lottery picks anyday. See North Carolina, Kentucky, Duke, blah-blah-blah.

“Nobody defends like West Virginia.”

  • This happens to be true. Nobody defends like West Virginia.

“This team is much better than its seed.”

  • In all actuality, there’s not a whole lot of difference once you get past the top 3 or 4 seeds.

“Look out for Middle Tennessee!”

  • Yes, Middle Tennessee seems to be the media darling this year, so look out, Minnesota. After all, they beat a team nobody should never underestimate last year, Tom Izzo’s Michigan State.

In conclusion, I will now give you the 2017 National Champion. You’re welcome in advance:

VILLANOVA

So some dude named Thom (with an h) Browne is an avant garde fashion designer who unleashes some mighty interesting style choices on an unsuspecting public. He recently staged his latest show, and it begs for a look-see from the Shoe: Untied Committee of Style (SUCS). The committee consists of yours truly (CEO and Founder), Sim Hao Xiang (Legal Department) and Ariella Levinsky (Fashion Editorial Assistant). Sim Hao asked to be on the committee because he has a “passion for fashion” (his words). Ariella happens to actually have a degree from Bunka Fashion College in Tokyo, ranked 7th in the world (look it up). Me? I’m on the committee because it’s my website and for my snarky, insightful world view.

The plan is to show you a photo, followed by the committee’s comments and knee-jerk reactions. Enjoy!

Sim Hao: “Daring look here. I like it. Sort of 1920’s throwback.”

Ariella: “The swim caps and socks top off an exciting, fresh look.”

Shoe: “Looks like a Beach Party on Uranus.”

Sim Hao: “Again, a clean, classic look that harkens back to a simpler time.”

Ariella: “The Elizabethan makeup symbolizes the starkness of the style. Wise in a stylistic sense.

Shoe: “Does that bro have whiteface on or did he go overboard with the sunscreen?

Sim Hao: “A daring take on the classic business suit.”

Ariella: “Here Thom is saying that Wall Street is in dire need of some loosening up. Love the leggings.”

Shoe: “Not sure what Thom is saying, other than he’s batshit crazy.”

Sim Hao: “The black and white look never goes out of style. Love love love.”

Ariella: “While the white lips are jarring at first glance, they’re simply an extension of the entire fashion statement.”

Shoe: “Listen, I’m not a PC guy but that’s racist. Wait. Is that a dog purse? Cool.

Sim Hao: “Love this look, and the boots are fabulous.”

Ariella: “The long-flowing arms are saying that our reach is limitless and has no bounds.”

Shoe: “How in the hell can you perform the most basic human functions with those sleeves? And my dominant eye is my right one so I’d be screwed.”

Sim Hao: “A light, airy look. Bravo!”

Ariella: “Again, the feathers symbolize freedom and an ability to take flight from our inhibitions. Well played, Thom Browne!

Shoe: “How many chickens died here in the name of fashion? On a related note, feather shorts are not a horrible idea.”

Sim Hao: “Omigod! I simply must see his footwear!

Ariella: “Here Thom has gone beyond white, showing that freedom comes in all the colors of the rainbow!

Shoe: “Looks like a hyena ate a bunch of parrots and vomited on this poor guy.

Sim Hao: ‘The black bird headgear is the perfect counteraction to the white outfit. Genius!

Ariella: “Thom is now simply going beyond style. He’s showing we can actually be a bird and possess all their best qualities.”

Shoe: “Oh, for Christ’s sake. That dude would never make it through hunting season where I come from. And he sort of quit from the knees down, didn’t he? I mean, really? Brown loafers?”*

*Maybe they’re red. Still bad.

Sim Hao: “Another modern take on a classic look. And the chokers are fab!

Ariella: “This look is right in line with Thom’s artistic vision. The plastic gloves are saying, ‘Let’s get dirty!” Sexy look indeed.

Shoe: “Looks like the 1776 British Army Infantry, Gay Division.

Sim Hao: “They look like mysterious superheroes! Oh how I love this look!”

Ariella: “Thom is famous for his bowler hats. Here’s a fresh, unique look at an old fashion staple. Courageous creativity at its pinnacle.

Shoe: “Wait. Face hats are a thing? Who knew? I know a few people who could use one, including Thom Browne after trying to sell people this trash.”

So there you have it kids, Shoe: Untied’s take on the Thom Browne Fashion Show. Go buy your face hats and feather coats today!

I know, I know. Odd topic. So I’m odd, live with it. My brain goes to strange places. What follows is my Top 10 Favorite Duos, and I just realized I left out Adam and Eve. Wait. They were responsible for Original Sin, so they can go to hell. See what I did there? Anyhoo, this is my list and I’m standing by it. Yell at me in the comments section if you have a problem with it. Or don’t, I don’t really care. First though, I shall tell you about a few duos that missed the cut. Here they be:

Heckle & Jeckle

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These dudes just missed the Top 10 because I loved them as a kid. They were two cartoon birds on a TV show, and their hijinks were hilarious. If I recall one of them inexplicably had a British accent, although I know not why. On a related note, I’m very happy I found a way to work the word “hijinks” into this blog.

Batman & Robin

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See kids, the original Batman was sort of a dark comic strip like you know now. But the 60’s TV Batman was something different, sort of a funny, campy, tongue-in-cheek look at superheroes. Seriously, it was awesome. Trust me on this one.

Simon & Garfunkel

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There is one reason I refuse to put this musical duo in the Top 10, and it is not Art Garfunkel’s hair. It’s the fact that Paul Simon once said this: “The world is waiting for two great reunions. Simon and Garfunkel and The Beatles.”

R-i-g-h-t. Dream on, Paul Simon.

Ren & Stimpy

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Who could not like a show starring Ren, an emotionally unstable chihuahua, and Stimpy, a good-natured, dimwitted cat? I mean really? The show was controversial for its off-color humor, sexual innuendo, dark humor, adult jokes, and violence which were rare for children’s television animation. The series is often cited as paving the way for animated shows like Beavis and Butt-Head and South Park. Good stuff, man.

And without further ado, we get to the Top 10. I need a cat to give me a drumroll, please . . .

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Thank you.

10. Walter White & Jesse Pinkman

Walter White (Bryan Cranston) and Jesse Pinkman (Aaron Paul) - Breaking Bad - Gallery - Photo Credit: Frank Ockenfels/AMC

Oh yeah! The top two characters in one of my all-time favorite TV shows, Breaking Bad. Walter was a high school chemistry teacher who was dying of cancer and Jesse was a young punk and former student. Together they get involved in the making and selling of crystal meth and the results were one helluva story. If you haven’t seen it, watch it as soon as possible.

9. Lucy & Ethel

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I’m going way back here, but Lucy and Ethel are television icons, man. And if you watch today it’s still funny and fresh. Don’t believe me? watch this:

8. Lenny & Squiggy

LAVERNE & SHIRLEY - "Dating Slump" - Airdate: March 30, 1976. (Photo by ABC Photo Archives/ABC via Getty Images) MICHAEL MCKEAN;DAVID L. LANDER

If you don’t know who Lenny & Squiggy are I feel sorry for you, you’re a pathetic human being and you can’t be my friend. These guys were on the Laverne and Shirley show and were a couple of dimwitted friends who were always hanging around. Bottom line, they were hilarious and the only reason I watched the show. Wanna see their famous introduction to every show? OK.

 7. Beavis & Butt-head

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Beavis and Butt-head were two socially incompetent, heavy metal-loving teenage delinquents who go to school at Highland High in Highland, Texas. They have no apparent adult supervision at home and are dim-witted, under-educated and barely literate. Both lack any empathy or moral scruples, even regarding each other. Their most common shared activity is watching music videos. Beavis and Butt-head helped lead to the downfall of modern society as we know it. Did I like to watch? I did.

6. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

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Look at these guys. Cool personified.

Ah, one of the most famous duos in movie history. The film was called “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” and starred Paul Newman and Robert Redford. They were stellar. They were savvy, cool thieves and there are several classic scenes in the movie. Here’s my first favorite scene, when some gunslinger challenges The Sundance Kid to a gunfight before realizing he’s the Sundance Kid:

Gunfighter: “I didn’t know you were the Sundance Kid when I accused you of cheating. If I draw on you you’ll kill me.

Sundance Kid: “There’s that possibility.

Here’s another favorite scene:

Butch: “Listen, I don’t wanna be a sore loser but when this is over if I’m dead, kill him.

Sundance: “Love to.”

Classic stuff.

5. Cheech & Chong

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Richard “Cheech” Marin and Tommy Chong were (and are I guess) the faces of 70’s stoners and I owned all their albums back in the day. They started as a comedy duo and man, they were funny. They eventually made some great movies like “Up in Smoke” and the follow-up, “Cheech and Chong’s Next Movie” which had a great title, amirite? Anyhoo, Cheech & Chong. Check ’em out:

You get the gist.

4. Bugs Bunny & Daffy Duck

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Hey, these two have been through a lot together, and Bugs has been  responsible for Elmer Fudd shooting Daffy in the head with a shotgun approximately 7,894,354 times. Still, they remained close and have persevered. These guys were popular back when cartoons were wildly inappropriate and featured stuff like people getting shot, run over by trucks, falling off cliffs, and other various merriment and hilariousness. Oh, and almost all cartoon characters had a speech impediment. Awesome.

3. Macaroni & Cheese

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Is it a stretch including a foodstuff in my Top Duos? Not in this case, my friends. And hey, it’s my website. After all, Mac ‘n Cheese has a personality of its own and calls to me almost daily. I actually have a conversation with it as I eat it. Stuff like, “Oh, yes. Yes. You are the definition of tasty goodness.” You know, stuff like that. I include it with no guilt or remorse.

2. Lewis & Clark

Bad. Ass.

Bad. Ass.

Anyone who has ever been a student in my history class knows of my love for two of the baddest mofos in history. When Thomas Jefferson needed somebody to lead a corps of men across the uncharted American west, a place that many thought was inhabited by saber-toothed tigers, wooly mammoths and had volcanos and possibly a race of giants, who did he pick? You got it – Meriwether Lewis and William Clark. Their mission? To find a waterway to the west. Although they didn’t find the waterway because it didn’t exist, they did make it to the Pacific Ocean after encountering grizzly bears, hostile Native Americans, and you know, the freaking Rocky Mountains. Still, they made it back. If you haven’t read the book Undaunted Courage you’ve lived an unfulfilled life. Finally, the following video was required viewing for my classes, as it now is for you. Enjoy . . .

1. Lennon & McCartney

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Anyone who didn’t see this coming does not know me, is a moron, and heretofore is not my acquaintance. This duo not only changed the course of music history but wrote the soundtrack of my life. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times – The Beatles advanced music more from 1963-1970 than it’s been advanced since. From “She Loves You” to “Helter Skelter”? Are you serious? Quite simply, they made the biggest impact on my life than anybody on this list, and it’s not even close. Here’s a video from their 1969 rooftop concert:

 I know what you’re saying. No Tom & Jerry? No, because Tom & Jerry was lame, so shut it. This is my list and I’m standing by it. Have an awesome weekend.

 

Sigh. Here’s the deal. Princeton’s class of 2012 is having a 5th year reunion and their slogan is “Revenge of the Fifth.” Get it? The latest Star Wars movie was “Revenge of the Sith”? I know, not very original but whatever. Anyhoo, their costume inspiration was stormtroopers, and people got upset. Here’s the letter the reunion committee sent out: starwars-princeton

Sweet son of a mother. How in the world can someone who was born in 1990 be offended by a common term used in Nazi Germany? HOW? Newsflash: Star Wars came out in 1977, only 32-years after the fall of Hitler’s Germany, and it was a huge worldwide hit. This means, kids, that millions of the actual people who suffered at the hands of the Nazis were still alive when the movie came out. I’m talking about people who were terrorized by Hitler’s Gestapo and SS and survived the Nazi death camps. These people somehow managed to watch the movie, hear the term Stormtrooper, and you know, realize they were watching a movie. Yet, a bunch of 27-year-olds wussies from Princeton are so offended they have to run to their “safe space.” Heaven help us all.

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Attention Princeton dumbasses: L: Actual Stormtrooper. R: Pretend Movie Stormtrooper

Ladies and gentlemen, the Wussification of America continues . . .

Looks like a horrible idea.

Looks like a horrible idea.

NORTHAMPTON, Mass. (AP) – A Massachusetts police department’s program that sent officers into elementary schools one day a week to high five and fist bump students has been ended because some people complained.

Northampton Chief Jody Kasper says “High Five Friday” was started in December as a way to foster better relationships between police and children.

But some people questioned the program’s effectiveness and worried that it might upset some children, for example those in the U.S. illegally or those who have previously had negative experiences with law enforcement.

The chief tells The Daily Hampshire Gazette that parents were informed about the events beforehand and children were never forced to participate. She called the program’s demise “frustrating.”

Frustrating? FRUSTRATING? How about idiotic? We’ve become so thin-skinned as a nation that we’re worried about making little kids nervous who’ve had bad experiences with the po-po? And we don’t wanna upset the little illegal immigrants or kids who’ve run afoul with the law, now do we? Damn it, Trump! I thought you were gonna fix this crap.

CNNThe Islamabad High Court in Pakistan’s capital issued an order banvalMonday that banned the celebration of Valentine’s Day across the country ‘with immediate effect.’

The order prohibits the display of adverts on electronic and print media that reference Valentine’s Day, bans the sale of associated merchandise and states that the day cannot be celebrated in “any public space or government building.”

Listen, I have to be honest. Valentine’s Day is a fake holiday. Total fraud of a holiday. I know, I know, the ladies love getting flowers and candy and whatnot. But wasn’t Valentine’s Day basically invented by the flower and candy companies to make a buck? Wait. Maybe that was that Sweetest Day? Doesn’t matter. Bottom line, Pakistan has it figured out. Just ban the damn holiday. Pakistani men everywhere are rejoicing.

PS- Pakistan took a major credibility hit when we basically waltzed into their country without telling them, killed Bin Laden, and waltzed back out. This is a savvy first move on the road back to respectability. Well played Pakistan.

Listen, everyone knows the first impression is the most important and the handshake sets the tone, amirite? And I gotta tell you, The Donald’s handshake is about as aggressive as you can get without ripping a guy’s arm out of its socket. Just brutal, man. Intimidating as hell. Grab a bro’s hand, jerk him towards you and squeeze like a mofo. Hey, I’m pretty sure that one guy lost all feeling in his upper torso after Trump’s vice-like grip. But I get it. Dude has no idea what he’s doing so he wants to get out of the gate quickly, just dominate from the onset, knock the other guy so far off his game he’ll never be able to catch up. That’s just Dumb Guy 101 right there. Anyhoo, dominating handshake President Trump. Dominating indeed.

trumphand

How many chances should one guy get? Get this jackass out of here.

[UPDATE: VIDEO HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM YOUTUBE]

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Vice News  Let’s face it: most of us swear. Some of us do so more than swear-wordothers. But while it’s generally frowned upon to be a foul-mouthed in public, new science is telling us that people who curse a lot actually might be more honest and trustworthy than those who stick to a conservative vocabulary.

According to a joint study titled “Frankly, We Do Give a Damn”—published by the University of Cambridge, Stanford University, Hong Kong University of Science and Technology, and Maastricht University this month—cursing, both online and in real life, is heavily associated with honesty because honest people get emotional, and emotional people swear.

Well, der. I didn’t need science to tell me this one. Of course people who cuss like sailors are more honest. Show me a person who doesn’t drop f-bombs all over the joint and I’ll show you a dishonest, thieving, no account ne’re-do-well. Way to waste a bunch of money, University of Cambridge, Stanford University, Hong Kong University of Science and Technology, and Maastricht University. You could have saved your cash and called me, you dumb a$+hole s*ns-a-b+tches.

Note: Seriously, who comes up with this garbage anyway? Don’t these people have more important subjects to study? Good Lord.

Note 2: According to this study my former college buddy Frank is the most honest person this earth has ever harbored, and he spent 4 and 1/2 years in the slammer for fraud. Science schmience.

 

So President Trump says he wants to be a cheerleader for our country, build up our military and also have more military parades. First, the quote:

trumpquote

First of all, it’s about time we built up our damn military. I mean, check out this chart. We’ve been slacking for years:

chart

But hey, I gotta tell you I think he’s on to something with this parade thing. Nothing boosts morale more than a parade, amirite? Let’s have military parades all over the country and just flex our muscles like the badass country that we are. Let’s fly bombers over every small town in the midwest, damn it. Maybe even “accidentally” release some of those cluster bombs over Ann Arbor or something. And I want big parades, none of this small-time bullshit. I can see Trump’s America now, man. It’s gonna be great . . .

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S . . . sigh.