Check out that little Honey Possum, man. Just cute like you read about. This mouse-sized marsupial lives on a diet of nectar and pollen. It can drink 7-ml of nectar a day, which would be like a human drinking 50-liters of Mountain Dew. That’s cray man. Its Aboriginal name is Noolbenger, which sounds like somebody’s mailman or something. “Hey! There’s Al Noolbenger with the mail!” The Honey Possum’s tail is prehensile, meaning it can grasp branches and whatnot. The tail is longer than the rest of his body, and he hails from Western Australia. Anywho, Honey Possum.

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So the humongous alligator that’s been seen over the last few years in Florida has been spotted again. This dude looks like a caboose with legs, man. Something out of the Jurassic Period perhaps. Anyway, here we see it after it just had a hearty breakfast of oxen with a side of St. Bernard. Yikes.

LaDue, MO: A St. Louis mother has filed a federal lawsuit, claiming that a soccer coach’s decision to cut her son from the junior varsity team was age discrimination.

The suit claims the soccer coach told the boy’s mom that he was “right on the bubble” of making the team, but that there were too many kids who had a better soccer skill and soccer IQ than him. The coach also wasn’t willing to put the boy on junior varsity again.

The mother and stepfather complained to the school, but they eventually supported the coach’s decision.  The teen’s mom claims her son will face “irreparable harm” if he’s not put on the team.

A judge is expected to make a decision in the case on Monday.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Age discrimination? For realz? Listen, any coach with a brain in their skull will tell you that if two players are of equal talent the younger one usually plays. That’s just common sense, right? Because you’re going to have them longer and they’ll have more of a chance to develop? Bueller? Bueller? Anybody? And sorry kid, but I guarantee your coach was being kind when he said you were “on the bubble.” Newsflash: You were not on the bubble. You were under the bubble. Perhaps nowhere near the bubble. In fact, there were not only “too many kids with better soccer skills” than you, but they also had better soccer IQs. This means you don’t understand how to soccer, dude.

But you know the worst part of this story? The worst part is that mommy squandered a perfect life lesson for this kid, like, you know, work harder to achieve your goals, rewards are earned and not given, stuff like that. I can’t wait until this kid is passed over for a promotion at work when he’s 27 and mom tries to sue his boss. Good stuff, man. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times – how in the world can a kid learn to deal with adversity if mommy and daddy are going to jump in and save them every time they face it?

UPDATE: The judge threw the case out of court, stomped on it, spat upon it and was seen laughing uncontrollably as he skipped away. Good job, judge.

PS- I can totally name some parents who would do this, but I’ll save it for my upcoming blockbuster blog. Stay tuned.

See how my people censored the photos? Crack staff indeed.

Toronto, Canada: Visitors were enjoying a monthly jazz night at Ripley’s Aquarium, in Toronto, Canada, last Friday when a man decided to skinny dip. He didn’t seem to have a worry in the world despite being circled by two sharks. Onlookers seemed equally shocked by his foolishness and nakedness. Security at the aquarium were not pleased with his antics and a video showed them telling him to get out. The exhibitionist seemed to be following their orders but inexplicably dived back into the water moments later. Guards made sure they secured him when he got out again and escorted him away.

Oh my. Where to start? First of all, I think it should be posted at all zoos and aquariums that if you enter a wild animal habitat you are 100% on your own. No discussion, no debate. No other human should be subjected to danger because of your stupidity. Secondly, I’m sure glad that security was “not pleased with his antics.” Had they been pleased they’re probably not very good at securitying. I’ll also pat the onlookers on the back for being “shocked by his foolishness and nakedness.” Seems like an appropriate reaction. Finally, why do crazy people take their clothes off before doing something crazy? There has to be some psychological reason for this, no?

PS- Jazz night indeed.

For the 7% of you out there who still watch major league baseball, you know the playoffs are in progress as we speak. The Dodgers are playing the Brewers, and last night some doofus named Manny Machado loafed to first base on a routine ground ball to the shortstop. Then, after the game he said this:

Obviously I’m not going to change, I’m not the type of player that’s going to be ‘Johnny Hustle,’ and run down the line and slide to first base and … you know, whatever can happen. That’s just not my personality, that’s not my cup of tea, that’s not who I am.”

Uh, OK. We get it. You don’t hustle. You don’t work hard. You’re lazy. You know, because that’s not “who you are” and not your “cup of tea.” I swear to God when I heard the interview on the radio I thought it was a Saturday Night Live parody. On a related note, Manny Machado makes $16-million a year to play baseball.

PS- As a free agent for 2019, he is expected to sign a contract in excess of $400-million. Sigh.

There’s a unique twist on a popular Halloween treat.

The Westallion Brewing Company in West Allis, Wisconsin debuted a candy corn beer just for the fall.

But is it a trick or a treat?

They say the beer is based on a typical cream ale, with malts and sugars. A house-made candy corn flavoring is then mixed in.

It’ll be on the tap at the brewery through the end of October.

Listen, I’m not a big fan of these special holiday concoctions. You can take your pumpkin beer and pumpkin spiced Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes and shove them up your ass for all I care. That said, probably my favorite Halloween candy is Candy Corn. Just sugary goodness all day every way. Melts in your mouth like you read about. But guess what? I have to draw the line at Candy Corn Beer, man. That sounds disgusting. What’s next, pumpkin flavored cottage cheese?

Son of a bitch.

A man in New York City named Charlie went to a shelter to get a dog. However, the one he had his eyes on had already been adopted. However, before Charlie left he decided to take a lap around the facility to see what other dogs were available. Just as he was about to leave he saw a little mutt in a the corner of a cage. The little dog’s back legs didn’t work, he had 3 teeth and his ears had been frostbitten. At that point Charlie had a thought: “If I don’t take him, nobody will.” Ladies and gentlemen, meet Engelbert.

Squid Eggs, man. Also sorta kinda doubles as Cool Animal of the Day.

Grab a pencil, kids. Ready? December 3rd. That is my birthday. Still plenty of time to order my present. Thank you and goodnight.

The Beatles notoriously hated lip-synching, and it’s never been more evident than in this video. There’s John, barely containing his disgust. Then we have Paul and George, gamely trying to stay professional. Finally we have Ringo, at times not even pretending to play drums. Classic stuff, man.

PS- Beatle videos are notoriously short-lived on YouTube. Watch this while you can.

A dog bit off a man’s testicles and penis in a horrific attack at flat in East Lothian.

The 22-year-old was found unconscious in a pool of blood next to an Old English Bulldog, which was also covered in his blood. Police were confronted with the horrific scene when they were called to the property in Haddington on Sunday afternoon.

The man was rushed to Edinburgh’s Royal General Infirmary where he remains unconscious and in serious condition, reports the Daily Star.

The dog was taken to police kennels until the exact circumstances of the attack are known.

So you think you’re having a tough day, boys? Boss being a little rough on you? Wifey giving you a hard time? Kids being little assholes again? Hey, look at the bright side, at least you didn’t get your penis and testicles bitten off by an Old English Bulldog. Yikes.

PS- Man, nothing grabs your attention like that opening sentence, huh? Every man who read it immediately winced, crossed their legs and covered their junk with both hands. 

PPS- I guarantee this guy was doing something weird, like flashing his goods in front of the dog or something. Ol’ Gus probably thought it was a squeaky toy or chew stick or something. Maybe a Vienna Sausage. Hey, he was British.

PPPS- I have no idea if the dog’s name was Gus. It just seems like an Old English Bulldog name. That or Max.

Yes kids, our crack staff here at Shoe: Untied is here for you once again. We’ve scoured the worldwide interweb to come up with the Top 10 2018 children’s Halloween costumes for you, our loyal readers. We have ranked said costumes from 10 to 1, because we’re here for you. Let us commence . . .

#10 – Gandhi

Nothing like dressing your kid up as the symbol for India’s independence, amirite? Good call.

#9 – Pillsbury Doughboy

Are you calling your kid fat? Perhaps. But it’s OK. Totally worth it.

#8 – Hannibal Lecter

Because dressing your kid up as a fictional movie serial killer is always a great idea.

#7 – A Taco

Because why the hell not? Tacos be tasty.

#6 – Walter White & Jesse Pinkman

Because you’re willing to shave your kid’s head, right? Right? LOVED Breaking Bad.

#5 – Old Woman

Simple but effective. Very effective. Also disturbing as hell.

#4 – Wilson the Volleyball

Everyone loved Wilson, the volleyball from Castaway, right? Look, it’s Wilson the volleyball from Castaway!

#3 – Dwight Schrute

If you’re not a fan of The Office you’re not a fan of mine and you can kiss my ass. That is all.

#2 – The Dude

Any avid reader of this site know I’m a fan of The Big Lebowsky, so I am thusly a fan of this costume. Rock on, dude.

#1 – Glowstick Boy

Shoot me, but I love me some Glowstick boy. Cannot help myself.

So there ya go, kids. Shoe: Untied’s Top 10 favorite Halloween costumes. Steal at your leisure.

Back before 2004, when athletes weren’t big babies and could handle a little champagne in their eyes, baseball celebrations looked like this:

Then, in 2004 the Boston Red Sox went all wussified and wore ski goggles. Now? Here’s how baseball players celebrate:

Good God. What’s next, hazmat suits? And the wussification continues . . .

PS- I know, I know. Champagne can supposedly damage your corneas. Blah-blah-blah. I don’t recall anyone going blind before 2004.

 

Beautiful.

So some guy in Tennessee kept noticing bees around his property, then one day he saw a few flying out of a tiny hole in the side of his house. After some spraying didn’t solve the problem he decided to investigate. The photos below show how things progressed.

Holy Mother of . . . Bees! BEES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Seriously, he got a beekeeper to come and relocate the bees because, you know, bees are good and stuff. Still, yikes.

Flying Great Whites? Flying Great Whites.

Luggage upright? Check. Handles facing upward? Check. Tags visible? Check.

Japan, man.


Ladies and gentlemen, meet Soddy-Daisy High School’s athletic director Jared Hensley. Listen, I’m about as non-PC as they come, bit this guy is nuts. I was trying my best to believe the guy might be joking, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t sound serious as hell. How in the world would he ever think this is OK to say in 2018? I mean, I’ve known some dumb administrators, but . . . never mind, just watch.

While researching our last story, my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied came upon the fact that the prehistoric Dunkleosteus had a staggering bite of 8,000 pounds per square inch. That inspired me to dig further, so I assigned intern Bradley Dirkens the task of finding the Top 10 current animals with the strongest bite. And by the way, our researchers found that results varied wildly. Because of this we averaged our findings. Here’s what the Dirkster found:

Human – 162 psi

On the grand scale of living creatures, this is very low. Good thing we’re smart, amirite? On a related note, I once had a 3rd grader named Jimmy Turkle who I’m pretty sure had a psi of 573.

Jack Russell – 200 psi

I chose the Jack Russell because of my beloved Sparky. He is small but mighty. What Spark lacks in bite he will make up for in attitude and spunk. I also use every excuse I can think of to post photos of my best friend.

The Spark.

Rottweiler – 325 psi

Meh. Pretty sure Spark could take him.

Cougar350 psi

The cougar is second among the big cats. You’ll see who tops this guy shortly.

Gray Wolf406 psi

Wow. Thank God there have been no recorded attacks of wolves on humans in recorded history, despite what you’ve seen in movies.

That stare though.

Giant Otter – 450 psi

Don’t let that cute face fool you, kids. This dude can rip your face off. Giant Otters, man. There are videos of them defeating alligators.

Bring it.

Mastiff – 556 psi

Factoid: The Mastiff has the strongest bite among dogs.

Lion – 691 psi

Ah. The King of the Jungle. But his bite isn’t close to the most powerful among animals, as you’re about to see.

Alligator Snapping Turtle – 1,000 psi

Wait. A Turtle? Yes, a turtle. And a badass turtle indeed. Guys, imagine swimming and this guy takes a bite out of your . . . never mind.

Cutie.

Hyena1,100 psi

This innocent looking bro sort of looks like a cute dog, but he has a bite stronger than a freakin’ lion. ‘Nuff said.

Grizzly Bear – 1,160 psi

No shocker here. Grizzlies have the rep, and it is well-deserved. Crush your skull like you read about.

Polar Bear – 1,200 psi

Don’t let those Pepsi commercials fool you, folks. The Polar Bear is a stone cold killing machine.

Silverback Gorilla – 1,300 psi

Is it me or do most people not think of gorillas as biters? I usually think of them as having brute strength. Either way a bad day for whoever is on the receiving end.

Jaguar – 1,500 psi

The Jaguar. It’s bite is stronger that that of a lion or tiger. It can also crush skulls with one snap of its jaws.

Hippo – 1,800 psi

Many people don’t realize this, but more humans die from being killed by hippos yearly than any other animal. Plus, they’re way faster than you think.

Great White Shark – 4,000 psi

This should come to the surprise of nobody. You know, Jaws and whatnot.

Nile Crocodile – 7,000 psi

Holy Mother of God that’s one helluva bite. Dude could snap a human in half in an instant, and has many times for that matter.

Rat – 7,500 psi

Rats, man. They can gnaw through wood, concrete, and even steel in some cases.

PS- The rat is not included in most of the “strongest bite” articles. Not sure why but I’m sure there’s a reason.

Stay out of our water, ya filthy human.

Listen, I love pizza. I also love candy corn. But do I love the idea of candy corn pizza? Hell no I don’t. Hey, I also love peanut butter and shrimp but I’ll be damned if I want them combined. That’s just wrong. man. Whoever invented this pizza is evil, has no soul and has the heart of a demon. Disgusting.

Ever heard of Dunkleosteus? It is one of the most terrifying fish ever to have roamed these Earth’s oceans. This bad boy lived 360-million years ago, and how it died out is a mystery to all. Once you hear about this badass you’ll know it’s unlikely he was killed off by predators. By studying fossils we’ve found some truly horrifying facts about the big guy.

To begin, he really was a BIG guy. 30-feet long to be precise. That’s a big fillet kids. But that’s not all my friends. The Dunkleosteus crushed its prey with its own skull. And get this – Dunkleosteus didn’t have a single tooth in its head. Instead, its entire skull was covered with bony plates that acted as armor and formed two long “fangs” – one each on the top and bottom jaw. Holy moly. Not scary enough for y’all? Those fangs were self-sharpening. As it opened and shut its jaws, the edges of its fangs rubbed together, creating friction. Over time, this kept them perfectly sharpened into razor-edges weapons of death. Is there anything that could make this prehistoric underwater dinosaur any more frightening? There is – its jaws were able to snap shut with 8000-pounds of bite force per square inch. Holy Mother of God, this thing made Jaws look like a guppy. Here are some glamour shots of ol’ Dunky. Check him out:

 

 

 

Silly cat.

100%.

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I still don’t know what the hell he’s talking about.

PS- Adelbert Ames can go to hell.