Look at him. The Octopi are coming.

Look at him. The Octopi are coming.

Just so you know, you can use octopuses, octopi or even octopodes, the latter of which is rather awesome.

But seriously, do you have any idea what these creatures are capable of? I’ve been doing some octopus research recently and have been somewhat flabbergasted by these amazing animals. Why have I been doing octopus research, you ask? Why do I do anything? Because I either find it funny, it angers me or it fascinates me. Deal with it.

Anyhoo, there are several things I found out about octopuses that are intriguing as hell, and I also have a pretty cool story and a video to pass on as well. The video is at the bottom, and you simply must watch it. Your mind will be blown.

Let’s get to it. I’ll start with the story we ran across during my crack staff’s extensive research. Read on:

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Lordy.

There are also documented cases of octopuses unscrewing lids of baby-proof bottles, squeezing through tiny holes and entering houses to steal food, and stacking shells to form fortresses in the ocean. Jeepers creepers, man.

Here are some other cool facts:

  • Octopuses don’t have 8-legs. They have 4-pairs of arms. Somehow that sounds way more scary.
  • Octopuses can walk across land. Again, j-u-s-t a tad horrifying.
  • Octopuses use tools and weapons. There have been cases of octopuses beating a diver over the head with a conch shell. Sweet Mother of God.
  • Octopuses have unique, distinct personalities, just like people. Well, most people.
  • Octopuses have three hearts. Two pump blood through each of the two gills, while the third pumps blood through the body.
  • When discovered, an octopus will release a cloud of black ink to obscure its attacker’s view, giving it time to swim away. The ink even contains a substance that dulls a predator’s sense of smell, making the fleeing octopus harder to track. Diabolical.
  • Fast swimmers, they can jet forward by expelling water through their mantles. And their soft bodies, with no internal or external skeleton, can squeeze into impossibly small cracks and crevices where predators can’t follow. Sneaky and slimy, dangerous combination. Trust me, I used to have a superintendent back in the 00’s that fit that description perfectly.
  • Octopuses have beaklike jaws that can deliver a nasty bite, and
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    Octopus beak. Horrifying.

    venomous saliva, used mainly for subduing prey. Sorta looks like a parrot’s beak. Hey, there’s one right there >>>>>>.

  • If all else fails, an octopus can lose an arm to escape a predator’s grasp and re-grow it later with no permanent damage. The arms can even react after they’ve been completely severed. In one experiment, severed arms jerked away in pain when researchers pinched them.W-h-u-u-u-u-t?
  • Octopuses arms have a mind of their own. Two-thirds of an octopus’ neurons reside in its arms, not its head. As a result, the arms can problem solve how to open a shellfish while their owners are busy doing something else, like checking out a cave for more edible goodies or planning to overthrow the world.

And finally and most remarkably . . .

  • Octopuses are capable of changing their body shape and color to mimic other animals and other ocean life. Check it:

Good God almighty, that was impressive. I agree with the dude in the video. Chameleons got nuthin’ on the octopodes.

So there’s your nature Lesson ‘o’ the Day, kids. I hope you learned something, I know I did. But after reading this, I have a ominous feeling that somewhere, out in the ocean, there’s an island where octopuses are fine-tuning their walking abilities. And then someday in the future, Hawaii or Bermuda or some other small isolated island will be attacked by marauding, spear-wielding and poison ink squirting octopuses. An Octopi Army if you will. And this future conflict will be called by CNN the Revenge of the Calamari or something along those lines.

Prepare yourselves, people. Prepare yourselves.

But damn. Octopuses, man.

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“Knock on wood” derived from Pagans touching, tapping or knocking on trees believing they were the homes of fairies who would wake and bless them with luck.

 

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Listen, I’m totally going to not going to sit here and make fun of kids at the Scripps Spelling Bee. Hey, they can spell words and stuff! And just because they’re a bunch of home-schooled nerds who lack even the basic social skills is a great reason isn’t reason to poke fun at them. Ah, hell, who am I kidding? This kid from the 2014 Bee is the perfect example of a Scripps Spelling Bee contestant. Deal with it.

Note: Never celebrate too early kid, lest you look like an idiot. That’s science.

Note II: The Bee is being shown on ESPN as we speak. ESPN. You can’t make this stuff up.

Note III: Come on, kid. Kabaragoya. Anybody knows how to spell that. Geesh.

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Listen, I love emotion on the court. Positive emotions like throwing a fist in the air, hugging teammates, all that is great. Hell, if you hit a game-winning shot go nuts, I don’t care. However, if you dunk on somebody in the second quarter and scream like a little girl who just saw a mouse, well, that’s not cool. You may as well be screaming, “Look at me! LOOK AT MEEEE!”

Again, I know I’m old school but I prefer the players who let their game do the talkin’.

Anywho, here’s a little slideshow of some the NBA’s notorious screamers. Enjoy but not really. Oh, and read the captions because I’m awesome.

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Too good not to include.

Asshats are worldwide, folks. Here we have an asshat in China who has double-parked his Jaguar, blocking in a Range Rover. Turns out this was the wrong cat to block in. Interesting note here – it says in the video description that everyone is helping and encouraging the Range Rover driver, and nobody is protesting. The Chinese, man. Gotta love ’em.

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Comedy gold.

Stunning.

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OK, maybe a polite suggestion.

Folks, graduation is coming up. High School Graduation Day is a huge day forgraduation every young person, the one big day to celebrate completing 12-years of education. OK, 13 counting kindergarten. And no, I don’t count those ridiculous pre-school or 8th Grade graduations. I still can’t get used to either of these. Why are we rewarding kids for passing pre-school? Did they stay in the lines in their coloring books? Does anyone ever fail pre-school? Seems silly to me. Congratulations Hunter! You made it through one-year of education! Woohoo!

Good Lord.

And what about 8th-grade graduations? We’re celebrating making it past 8th Grade? That’s an accomplishment? What is this, 1877? Don’t we expect kids to make it through 12th Grade these days?

But anyway, back to Graduation Day. Parents and family members, I beseech you – show a little class on this special day. I know you’re proud, but don’t whoop, holler, or God forbid yeehaw. Don’t act like the graduate you’re there to support is the first member of your family to make it through high school. It’s embarrassing. For the love of God, I’ve heard families whistling, clapping and stomping as if the graduate is the first family member to get that piece of paper. What’s next, air horns?

Seriously, this is not a sporting event. Your graduate didn’t score the winning touchdown or hit the game-winning shot. The student you’re here to support did what they were supposed to do. They graduated. It’s a serious ceremony, not a party. That comes afterwards. Hell, afterwards you can party like it’s 1999.*

*Prince reference. RIP Purple One.

So act like ya been there, people. Please.

And hey, graduates? Please, no dabbing, no backflips, no preening and dancing and acting like a fool up there. Show some poise. Accept that diploma with a handshake, a smile and perhaps a nod of the head to your family out in the audience. You have bigger things ahead, man. Graduating from high school won’t be the highlight of your life.

So congrats on the milestone, because it’s a big one. Now accept it with the respect it deserves.

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Great title, amirite? Your curiosity made you click. I knew you would.

Anyway, you know how over the course of your life you’ve seen photos of the pyramids? Photos like this?

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Beautiful, aren’t they, all situated out in the middle of nowhere and whatnot?

Yeah, not so much. Here’s a view from a little farther out.

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Yeah, that was surprising to me, too. But not as surprising as when I saw the views from the KFC and Pizza Hut across the street. Uh, I’m not kidding.

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These are actual photos, kids. Maybe this isn’t surprising to you but it is to me. I had no idea. The world, man. Nothing is ever exactly as it seems, huh?

PS – As you can see from the photo below, the pyramids are actually located in a highly populated area, so I guess fast food joints by the pyramids shouldn’t be surprising.

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This has been a Shoe: Untied reality check of the day. You’re welcome.

Mething around.

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Yeah, my friends will tell you I used to get in a scrape or two back in the day.what_happened_logo_by_summersole It was part of growing up I guess, and there were times when my friend and I would actually go out looking for trouble. It’s not something I’m proud of at all, and in fact I’m embarrassed by it today.

Those days are long past, thank God, partly because I’m way too old to be acting like an idiot anymore and partly because, as you mature, you realize how stupid it is. It’s hard for a lot of younger guys to understand, but fighting is just a really, really dumb way to settle your differences.

And by the way, NEWSFLASH: Any intelligent girl won’t be impressed by it. At all.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d do anything to defend a family member or a loved one. Other than that though, I’m pretty sure I’m mature enough and comfortable enough with who I am to just smile and walk away.

Why? Because I have nothing to prove to anybody. Plus, I’m not an animal, so there’s that.

Having said all that, back in my day fighting was totally different. There were unwritten rules that almost everyone followed. Today, you can watch fights on YouTube and it’s clear that those old rules are long gone.

In the old days, if a fight broke out, everyone stood back and let the two fighters duke it out until somebody won. Nobody ever jumped in to help. Now? Not so much. It’s common for 2-3 guys to jump a single guy and just beat the hell out of him. That would have been unheard of in my day. In fact, it would have been a show of weakness and you would have been ridiculed mercilessly.

And what about sucker punches? If you sucker punched a guy back in the 60’s or 70’s you couldn’t show your face around town for months. It was dishonorable, man. It was a coward’s way to fight. Totally different today. Just go to YouTube and type “sucker punch” into the search box. You’ll find videos of guys sneaking up behind somebody, knocking them out, and hopping around screaming and flexing as if they’re a badass or something.

Makes zero sense to me. You’re not a badass, you’re a chickenshit fool, fool.

What the hell happened? This is a reflection of society, right?

Or am I just one of those old “get off my lawn!” guys, lamenting the way things used to be? Yeah, I probably am.

But that doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

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And by best I mean worst. Punk, man.

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This is just unacceptable behavior on so many levels. Son, you have to handle a breakup better than this. Maybe a curt nod of the head and a handshake, give her a day or two to make sure she’s certain, and then give her a call. Perhaps tell her you understand and walk away held head high, but under no circumstances do you grovel, crawl, cry, and hang on to your girlfriend’s ankle for dear life. That’s just bad form, man. Men everywhere are disgusted by you.

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Love the tall houses.

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The stat line for Golden State’s Draymond Green, a game after kicking Oklahoma City’s Steven Adams in the groin: 6-points, 6-turnovers, 1 of 7 from the floor, 2-assists. Karma is a bitch, huh Draymond?

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Listen youngbloods, if you remember anything please remember that old man strength is real and experience should never be underestimated.

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This video pretty much encapsulates all that is wrong with sports today. It’s all about “me” and not about team. Look at me! I’m dancing like a buffoon! I threw my bat 30-feet into the air! Everybody clap and laugh at me! Seriously, I know baseball needs to lighten up with all their unwritten rules and how you can’t stare at people and stuff, but good God, between this and all the shimmying and preening I see at professional basketball games I want to throw up. Whatever happened to having a little poise and class?

PS – I have an idea how to make sports fun. How about winning? That’s fun, right?

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During WWII, the NFL lost a lot of players because they left for military service. As a result, by the 1943 NFL season, the Philadelphia Eagles and Pittsburgh Steelers were forced to merge into one team called the Pennsylvania Steagles.

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Breaker.

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Years ago the child of one of my friends had an unfortunate experience during shocked_facekindergarten registration. Here’s what went down . . .

My friend and his wife were one of those couples that was into the whole “modern parenting” thing at the time. They read books on how to raise a child and honestly tried to do all the right things, they really did. Their little boy was, come hell or high water, going to be the perfect child! There would be no spanking (we’ll never hit our child!), no yelling, everything would be positive. You know the type.

No, they they were into the whole “time out” method of punishment, sending their little boy into his “quiet corner” where he could sit and contemplate the error of his ways.*

*I promise you that when I was a kid, if given the choice between sitting in a corner and a whack on the ass, I’d have taken the whack every day. “Take your punishment and move on” was my motto.

Anyway, it was with much trepidation that my friend’s precious little offspring was going to be sent among the unwashed masses that is public schooling. The little guy had been babied so much he was terrified of being without mommy for 7-hours. I’m pretty sure said mommy asked to be a preschool aide so she could continue her helicopter mom ways but was declined. The horror!

Before all that was to begin, though, little Preston (I changed the name but it was equally pretentious) had to go visit the school psychologist for a “pre-enrollment evaluation.” Seems that as part of that evaluation the little guy was asked to draw a picture of his family, which was just mom, dad, and child. A-n-d, here’s where the merriment begins.

Fast forward to the next day when mom and dad were called to the school by the counselor. Why, you ask? Well, the school psychologist had ” a concern.”

Seems Preston had been asked to draw a picture of his family, something representing how his family made him feel or some such psychobabble.

After this was all explained to a still puzzled mom and dad, the counselor slid across the table the drawing in question.

And there it was. A delightful family drawing clearly depicting a summer day, sun shining brightly, with a beautiful big tree in the center.

And there, hanging from the tree by their necks, was mom and dad. Oh, and little Preston was there on the ground, looking up at his parents and smiling.

But hey, to his credit he even had those little x’s for mommy and daddy’s eyes along with the squiggly line for their mouths, signifying, you know, death and stuff.

A+ for creativity I guess? Hell, they did look deceased.

As you can imagine mom and dad were horrified, not to mention embarrassed and more than a little concerned. After all those books on parenting, their little boy was quite possibly a Charles Manson or Jeffrey Dahmer in waiting.

Alas, after much wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth, little Preston was allowed entry into preschool and is now a sophomore in high school. He does well, has plenty of friends, and is by all accounts a well rounded young man, exhibiting no traits of a mass murderer or a serial killer, and has given no other hints that he may have a dark side.

Yet.

Note: Honestly, if these people weren’t such doting helicopter parents this wouldn’t be nearly as funny. And to dad’s credit, he laughs about it today. 

Note 2: If mom and dad get a little too much into bragging mode I make sure and bring up “The Drawing.” Gotta keep ’em honest, ya know?

Note 3: Don’t ever do a Google Image search for “Drawing of mother and father hanging from a tree.” It ain’t pretty.

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Gorgeous.

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(Source)An Australian woman who set out to climb Mount Everest to prove that “vegans can do anything” died Saturday after developing altitude sickness. Maria Strydom, 34, had reached the final camp from the summit before she and her husband, Robert Gropel, both began suffering from high-altitude pulmonary edema, which caused fluid to build up in Strydom’s brain, the Washington Post reports. Her husband survived and was taken to a Nepal hospital for treatment, according to the Sydney Morning Herald. “Strydom had sought out to prove that she could scale the mountain while on a vegan diet, the Monash University lecturer told the university’s blog. “It seems that people have this warped idea of vegans being malnourished and weak,” Strydom said. “By climbing the seven summits we want to prove that vegans can do anything and more.”

Uh, yeah, I guess they can’t? Boy, did Maria Strydom set vegans back a couple centuries or what? Nothing worse than setting out to prove you can do anything on a vegan diet, including climbing Mt. Everest, and then kicking the bucket before you reach the top. Bet if she’d had a belly full of Ribeye she’d be standing at the summit right now like a boss. Tough day for vegans. Tough day for vegans indeed.

PS – Does your diet affect whether or not you die from high-altitude pulmonary edema? No, it probably doesn’t. Still funny though. You know why? Because nobody sits higher on their high horses than vegans. Saying things like “I don’t eat anything with eyes”, calling you a murderer every time you eat a Big Mac, blah-blah-blah. Vegans, man. Now excuse me while I go chow down on a Wendy’s Classic Triple with Cheese.

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Hey, at least he wore a helmet.

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Can’t wait for this one.

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