You’ll see it eventually.

Cats? Evil, man.

Well, sure.

So I ran across this nugget in a book I was reading the other day and found it quite fascinating. It seems that about 2,500 years ago some dude named Hanno the Navigator (cool name, man) became one of the first Europeans to see a band of gorillas. He had been sent off to explore Africa and had gotten used to bumping into strange and exotic tribes. Weird looking folks if you will.

So, when he found an island full of gorillas he figured that they were simply the weirdest, funniest-looking group of people yet. Hanno wrote that he’d found “savage people, whose bodies were hairy, and whom our interpreters called Gorillae.”

He and his men actually tried to introduce themselves to the gorillas, but the gorillas weren’t too communicative. That had to be an awesome attempt at conversation to witness though, amirite? Instead, the apes just threw rocks at the humans and ran away. Incredibly, Hanno’s men caught three of the gorillas and tried to talk them into going back to Carthage with them. Shockingly, it didn’t work. Hanno said the gorillas “could not be prevailed upon to accompany us.”

Eventually and unsurprisingly, when the gorillas got violent Hanno and his men do what humans do and killed them. Then Hanno went a little batshit crazy: “We flayed them,” he wrote, talking about what he thought were human beings, “and brought their skins with us to Carthage.

People were savage back in the old-timey days, man. Just brutal. Anyway, thought I’d share.

The Giant Ditch Frog is the first thing I ate on my initial visit to Montserrat back in 1995, and it was tasty. It’s also known as the Mountain Chicken, and is also native to Dominica. Its population has declined 81% in the last 10-years and is now critically endangered, so I’m guessing you can’t eat them anymore. The Giant Ditch Frog is one of the largest frogs in the world, with adult females growing up to 9-inches long. This fat boy eats almost anything that can be swallowed whole, much like my classmate Frankie Mortenson back in 5th grade. It’s well camouflaged and remains still for long periods of time before ambushing its prey, usually at night. Diabolical. It eats crickets, insects, crustaceans, other frogs, snakes, and even bats. Hence, his obesity. Anywho, Giant Ditch Frog.

Tasty.

A brazen meat thief has been caught on camera stuffing hundreds of dollars worth of prime cuts down his pants.

Sheriff’s deputies in Mobile County, Alabama, on Tuesday said they are seeking a man and a woman in connection with the stunning broad-daylight meat heist that took place on April 19th.

‘We are actively looking for these “Meat Packers”,’ the sheriff’s office said in a statement.

Security cameras at the Greer’s Market in Theodore, Alabama, which is about 20-miles south of Mobile, caught the criminals in the act around 1:15 pm.

First off, how in the hell can you fit hundreds of dollars of steaks down your pants? What’s the average price of a nice steak at Greer’s Market in Theodore, Alabama, maybe $15-$20? Hell, you’d have to stuff 20 to 25 Porterhouses down your britches to get to “hundreds” of dollars. Dude must have had a lot of room in there. Stunning meat heist indeed. And I’m glad the sheriff is “actively looking for the meat packers.” Lawmen who inactively look for bad guys are rarely successful.

PS- Yes, although I was tempted I refrained from making a joke using the words “prime cut” and “pants”. That’s self-control right there, kids. 

PPS- While searching for an appropriate photo I typed “meat stuffed into pants” into Google Image search. Don’t ever do that.

We’ve all been there, right?

Beautiful song.

Source The “Alien” signals have been pinpointed. New research has identified a cradle of young stars 2.4-billion light years away as the source of mysterious fast radio bursts detected on Earth.

These bursts – which each lasted just a few milliseconds – come from dense neutron stars just 12-miles across in the constellation Auriga.

Experts are baffled about these strange bursts, with some speculating it could be a sign of alien life trying to contact us.

And so it begins. The people of Auriga just shooting signals to us like an extra-terrestrial boss, and we’re too damn dumb to interpret them. We need to get our best minds on this immediately, guys like Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan (no idea if he’s still alive), or Bill Nye the Science Guy. Somebody’s gotta decipher those radio bursts, and I mean now. Hell, they could have been a warning, a heads-up telling us the Auriga Armada is on its way to Earth to destroy us all. And spare me with the “2.4-billion light years away is too far away” garbage. Who knows what kind of technology these space people possess? Now excuse me while I go make preparations for the end of mankind.

Thought: I wonder if anybody has tried Morse Code?

And he’s paid to do this for a living.

I took a screenshot of this a couple weeks ago and forgot to post it. That fellow in the photo is Dejounte Murray of the NBA’s San Antonio Spurs. Anyway, that’s a really bad tattoo. Is it a maskless Ninja Turtle? A pissed off alien? Sam Cassell? The mind reels, man. Hell, it looks like a 3rd grader drew that abomination. Bottom line, I demand an explanation. Yikes.

This handsome little dude lives in Sulawesi, Indonesia. His most eye-catching feature is his impressively long incisors, which are big enough to compete with Dracula. The bottom teeth of this shrew rat can grow up to 0.75 inches. Researchers admit that they’ve never seen anything like it, and researchers hate to admit they don’t know anything. Another fact about these bros is that their ears are one-fifth as long as their bodies, sorta like Bobby Lumquist, a kid I went to school with in 4th grade. Anywho, Pig-Nosed Vampire Rat.

Totes adorbs.

Damn, he will be missed.

Man, that’s a happy nerd.

So the internet is exploding over The Donald’s supposed “shove” of Prime Minister Milo Dukanovic of Montenegro. Hey, do you think the Trumpster’s gonna stand behind the leader of Montenegro?* Hell no. This is exactly what the people who voted for him want and expect him to do, man. Just knockin’ NATO leaders around like a boss. Seriously though, this just looked like a friendly slap to me. That dude’s lucky Big D didn’t chokeslam him and follow it up with an elbow drop. Montenegro? Get your ass to the end of the line. ‘Murica!

*Montenegro is a country in Europe and it’s beautiful, in case you didn’t know. It was formed in 1992 after the breakup of Yugoslavia. On a related note, I had no idea it existed until 3-minutes ago. 

That little jacket adjustment at the end just topped off the whole move, amirite? Trump, man.

The Black and White Dolphin isn’t really a species, it’s just a regular dolphin. It’s coloring is a result of leucism, which is a condition in which a partial loss of pigmentation causes animals to have white, pale or patchy discoloration of the skin, hair, feathers, scales or cuticles. This particular dolphin is named Patches and was first spotted back in 2006. By the way, dolphins can live to be about 40-years old, though the average is about 25. Anywho, Black and White Dolphin.

Share
0:00
/
0:21
Share

Ever see something that makes you laugh and you don’t really know why? I swear I took one look at this photo and laughed out loud. There’s something about it that just cracks me up. The Pope is sort of turned away, looking miserable or maybe a little perplexed, and The Donald just grinning like a kid who just told on his little brother or conned the American people or something. It’s wild, man. Anywho, maybe it’s just me but I thought I’d share.

PS- Looks like the making of a great reality show, amirite? Watch The Pope & The Donald, just a wacky show about a couple bros and their crazy shenanigans. Wednesdays at 9:00 pm on A&E.

Seems about right.

[click to enlarge]

Karma, man. Gotta love it.

Shoplifter Meets Miss Karma

Damn kid deserved it.

Satisfying to watch.

Oops.

Love it.

Karma makes me as happy as George W dancing.

The Donald. Dude can’t get out of his own way. Just flat tells his Israeli audience he “Just got back from the Middle East.” I swear he doesn’t know Israel is in the Middle East. Geography 101, kids. And check out the Israeli ambassador. Bro looks like Hillary on election night, just flabbergasted like you read about. Trump, man. He keeps blogs like mine alive. God bless him.

On a related note, I never thought I’d miss this guy so much:

You guys read my post and watched the video a couple days ago about the little girl being snatched by the Sea Lion, right? Sure you did. Well, I was a little tough on the mother for just walking away without thanking the guy who saved her kid.

W-e-l-l, turns out I’m not the only one. Mr. Robert Kiesman of the Steveston Harbour Authority is a little pissed at everyone’s behavior on that dock. Dude just kills me with his sarcasm. Take a read:

NBS News: Blame the parents, not the hungry sea lion.

That’s exactly what the head of a Canadian port did after a young girl playing on a pier was dragged into the drink by a California sea lion — and video of the dramatic rescue went viral after it hit the internet.

Accusing them of “reckless behavior,” Robert Kiesman of the Steveston Harbour Authority said the girl’s parents put her in harm’s way.

“There are signs all over the dock that explicitly warn people not to feed the sea mammals and the penalty for “disturbing” an animal is a $100,000 fine, Kiesman said.

“You wouldn’t go up to a grizzly bear in the bush and hand him a ham sandwich, so you shouldn’t be handing a thousand-pound wild animal in the water slices of bread,” he said. “You can only spend so much time protecting people from their reckless behavior. We’ve now seen an example of why it’s illegal to do this and why it’s dangerous and frankly stupid to do this.”

Meanwhile, the Vancouver Aquarium is urging the girl’s family to get in touch with them for information about handling a possible infection.

“Seals and sea lions carry some pretty nasty bacteria in their mouth,” Danielle Hyson, a senior marine mammal trainer at the aquarium, told The Province newspaper in Vancouver.

God, I love everything about this. Hey, you wouldn’t hand a grizzle bear a ham sandwich, would you, dumbass? That’s a 1,000 pound wild animal, fools. But hey, you can only spend so much time protecting people from their dumbness.

I also love how Danielle Hyson of the Vancouver Aquarium got her shot in. Just a heads-up, morons, but Sea Lions carry some pretty nasty bacteria in their mouth. Might wanna get that looked at.

And I swear Robert Kiesman is happy this happened. For him it’s a lesson for all the idiots who come through his Steveston Harbour Authority. I’m betting he’s said this to his wife a million times at the dinner table:

“Man, I wish one of those Sea Lions would leap up and eat one of these tourist’s kids. Maybe then they would listen.”

Dream come true for Robert Kiesman. Dream come true.

I can relate, trust me.

Man, do I feel dumb right now. I settled for Big Boggle. Sigh.

Today’s post is from a Shoe: Untied contributor, Anna Rinehart. Anna is a friend and former student of mine. Enjoy . . .

It was a Thursday, late winter. I was sick as a dog, body aches from the tip of my hair to my smallest pinky toe. I thought that was the worst part of my day. Oh no, no that was not the worst of my day. Feeling so poor I thought a massage was in order but I didn’t want to travel far. With my mad Google foo, I searched “massage” near me. Woohoo! Just .2 miles from my home in the little town of old Worthington, a little tan house came up.

Day was looking up.

I called, and the nice woman said yes, they could take me in 30-minutes. I need time to enhance my homeless look enough to go .2 miles. Wallet and keys in hand, I made my way to the cute little tan house. The tiny woman greeted me and we made our way to the room, after I paid my bill (Red Flag #1). She left me in the room to get ready. On the table was a flat sheet and a towel, not small enough to call a hand towel, but not large enough to call a bath towel (Red Flag #2). I thought to myself that Kenneth’s gives me a nice sheet and warm cover, but being sick, I moved on. I just wanted to lay down (lie down). Too sick for grammar tests.

I got on the table and took the 12×24 inch terry cloth rag to cover my lady bits. The lady knocks and enters, only to yell at me to get on stomach, get on stomach. I strategically cover myself with the towel while, turning over and avoiding a crash to the floor.

It only gets worse from here.

She gives me a massage that I can only compare to being tenderized like a tough piece of meat, and that just covers the upper back. At this point I get to laughing or maybe crying, face down in the hole in the table. I am not sure what to do. Kenneth’s wouldn’t manhandle me like this. This goes on for sooo long, really only a few minutes but in my mind, eternity. 

Then she gets up and walks around the table, uses her Chuck Norris move to spread my legs and plant herself between them, ON THE TABLE!

RED FLAG!!

At this point my body is shaking with full on laughter. What do I do? I was paralyzed with discomfort, embarrassment, and laughter. 

Not only is she on the table but then, then . . . she does it! Where normal massage services would tuck my towel in the top of my big girl pants, she jerks them down. Keep in mind I am greased up like a pig. The balance of the massage I waiver between fear and laughter. Fear her hands will slip, and complete hilarity that I am in this situation. 

Finally, it ends. She leaves the room. I’m more tense now than when I arrived. I stand up, turn to pick up my clothes, when I see the sign:

Well, this would have been good information to know before I got on the table.

Later, I find out that this place is on a map of Columbus for massage parlors . . .

Theunis Botha, a well-known 51-year-old big game hunter from Johannesburg, South Africa, just had his last hunt. The man was leading a group of hunters in Gwai, Zimbabwe, when they saw a herd of breeding elephants. Sensing the danger, three of the animals stormed the hunters and Botha shot at them. What the man didn’t see was a fourth elephant coming after him from the side. The animal lifted Botha with her trunk, so one of the other hunters shot her, causing the elephant to collapse. As she fell dead, the elephant dropped right on Botha, crushing the hunter to death.

According to Game Hounds Safaris, Botha’s company website, the man pioneered European-style ‘Monteria hunts’ in the region. These kind of hunts use large packs of dogs to drive deer and boar towards them before opening fire on the animals. He was also known for hunting lions and leopards.

Awesome. Just spectacular. I love it when the animals win, man. I know, the elephant died in this case but at least she took this asshole out with her. I mean, what kind of a hunter has dogs that drive the animals towards them? Where’s the sport in that? I’ll tell you where – Hell. The same place Theunis Botha resides right now. I hope he’s down there getting crushed by an elephant over and over and over again.

Note: As a special related bonus, I give you this. And spare me the comments about me enjoying watching people die. Idiots who hurt animals deserve it. Enjoy:

 

So this couple posted an engagement photo online, along with an open pregnancy test box in the lower foreground. Oops. Anyway, the resulting Facebook conversation was a classic.