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Not me but damn close.

The following story took place a long time ago, during my 2nd grade year. Yep, way back in 1963. Here’s how it all went down . . .

We were sitting in class at Twin Elementary when our teacher told us that somebody wanted to talk to all the boys. In walked a guy, I can’t remember who, who proceeded to tell us all about the Cub Scouts. It sounded great. There would be hiking, camping, building model cars, all kinds of cool stuff to do. My buddies and I were all amped up. Couldn’t wait! All we had to do was go home and get the forms signed by our parents, which we couldn’t wait to do.

Of course, with my father there would be stipulations.

After I excitedly told him of the opportunity, he sat me down and we had a talk. Number 1, he thought the Cub Scouts would be a great idea. Number 2, he said there would be no quitting once I started. One full year would be completed, no excuses, end of discussion. Hell, that wasn’t a problem with me. I was stoked!

I couldn’t wait to get back to school to tell my buddies I was in, and it turns out they were too. It was gonna be fantastic.

We had our first meeting at the local church, the Cub Scout guy explained everything, and it all sounded great. Then he brought out the uniform. Hey, it was a little different with the little hat, scarf and knee socks, but what the hell, we’d all be wearing it so it’d be cool. I was ready to roll.

Not so fast Scout Boy.

Here’s what I heard from my friends when I got to school the next morning:

“No way I’m wearing that uniform, man.”

“That uniform looks stupid. I’m not wearing that thing.”

“Sounded good but I’m out. I quit.”

Wait. What? You’re quitting because of the uniform? After one meeting?

Turns out they were. My closest friends were out. The only other kid in my class who stayed in was a nerdy little kid named Quincy (name changed to project the nerdy).

Did I ask my Dad for a reprieve so I could stick with my buddies? I did not. I was dumb but not that dumb. A deal was a deal, man.

So, as it turned out every Tuesday Quincy and yours truly wore the uniform to school as required by the Scouts, and every Tuesday I was ridiculed, mocked, jeered, belittled and spat upon.*

*OK, nobody spit on me but it seemed like it at the time. It was 2nd grade hell I tell ya. 

On a related note I’m pretty sure that was the year I learned to fight.

Anyway, at the next meeting we learned who our pack leaders would be, and it turned out mine was a new guy who had recently volunteered.

That man was my father.

Did he join because he knew I was going through a tough time? Did he know it would help me get through it if he was around?

Probably, but if it was true he never said a word.

Bottom line, pretty soon we were doing cool stuff like building and painting little cars to race down a ramp, constructing airplanes to fly, even going on all-night camping trips. It wasn’t long before my non-Scout friends wished their parents hadn’t let them quit, and in fact they joined up the next year. Hey, maybe it was how cool I looked in that uniform. Chicks dig uniforms, ya know.

All-in-all it was fun, and we did it all while learning about being leaders, being responsible and providing service to others.

But what I learned the most was to never, ever quit.

Thanks Dad.

The woolly mammoth vanished from the Earth 4,000 years ago, but now woolymammothscientists say they are on the brink of resurrecting the ancient beast in a revised form, through an ambitious feat of genetic engineering.

Speaking ahead of the American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS) annual meeting in Boston this week, the scientist leading the “de-extinction” effort said the Harvard team is just two years away from creating a hybrid embryo, in which mammoth traits would be programmed into an Asian elephant.

The creature, sometimes referred to as a “mammophant”, would be partly elephant, but with features such as small ears, subcutaneous fat, long shaggy hair and cold-adapted blood.

This is pretty much the beginning of the end of the world, right? We all know what “resurrecting the ancient beast in a revised form” means, right? It means “revising the beast in a more terrible form.” This is how Jurassic Park went wrong, kids. First a Wooly Mammoth, then a Stegosaurus, then a Giganotosaurus, then we all die. Thanks Science!

Giganotosaurus

Giganotosaurus

Sure, this guy’s sort of a jerk, but asshats get what they deserve, amirite?

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Cool.

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40% of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

 

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Not gonna lie. When I opened that photo I shrieked a little. That’s nightmare fuel, man. Apparently back in the 90’s that kid insisted on dressing as a clown  and the parents agreed, probably because they were afraid he’d butcher them all as they slept. I mean, what sort of power must you have over your parents for them to let you dress like that in a family photo? Look at him, just sitting there all smug in his clownness, leaning back and staring a hole into the camera. Chills, man. And what are the odds that little bozo has killed somebody by now? I’m thinking 99%. That clown has serial killer written all over him.

PS- Warning: Do NOT zoom in on that little clown’s face. You’ll be scarred for life. Clowns, man. 

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Kim Jong-nam wrote to Kim Jong-un in 2012 asking his half-brother and the recently anointed dictator of North Korea to spare his life and that of his family, the head of South Korea’s National Intelligence Service revealed on Wednesday.

It comes as new pictures of a woman alleged to have been linked to the assassination team that killed the older brother of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un in Kuala Lumpur have been released by Malaysian media.

Kim Jong-nam, 45, died on Monday after collapsing at Kuala Lumpur International Airport while waiting to board a flight back to Macau, where he was living in exile.

Listen, I’ve never been a big fan or murder and stuff but any assassin who pulls off a stone cold assassination in the middle of an airport while wearing a sweatshirt with “LOL” on the front has my instant respect. It’s like “LOL, I just killed a guy.” That’s just diabolical, man. Plus she looks sort of cute, so she gets extra points there too.

PS- Is it too late for me to start being more empathetic? Probably is, right? Never mind.

PSS- Not many blogs add the tags “Death”, “Humor”, and “Things I Love” onto their stories all at once. That’s what separates me from your average blogger. On a related note, if you’re a regular reader you’re as weird as I am.

CNNThe Islamabad High Court in Pakistan’s capital issued an order banvalMonday that banned the celebration of Valentine’s Day across the country ‘with immediate effect.’

The order prohibits the display of adverts on electronic and print media that reference Valentine’s Day, bans the sale of associated merchandise and states that the day cannot be celebrated in “any public space or government building.”

Listen, I have to be honest. Valentine’s Day is a fake holiday. Total fraud of a holiday. I know, I know, the ladies love getting flowers and candy and whatnot. But wasn’t Valentine’s Day basically invented by the flower and candy companies to make a buck? Wait. Maybe that was that Sweetest Day? Doesn’t matter. Bottom line, Pakistan has it figured out. Just ban the damn holiday. Pakistani men everywhere are rejoicing.

PS- Pakistan took a major credibility hit when we basically waltzed into their country without telling them, killed Bin Laden, and waltzed back out. This is a savvy first move on the road back to respectability. Well played Pakistan.

98% of all murders and rapes are by a close family member or friend of the victim.

 

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So some dude named Leslie Ray “Popeye” Charping passed away recently and obituary-texas-fatherhis daughter was left in charge of writing his obituary. Turns out she wasn’t a fan . . .

“Leslie Ray ‘Popeye’ Charping was born in Galveston on November 20, 1942 and passed away January 30, 2017, which was 29-years longer than expected and much longer than he deserved.”

“At a young age, Leslie quickly became a model example of bad parenting combined with mental illness and a complete commitment to drinking, drugs, womanizing and being generally offensive. Leslie enlisted to serve in the Navy, but not so much in a brave and patriotic way but more as part of a plea deal to escape sentencing on criminal charges.”

“Leslie’s hobbies included being abusive to his family, expediting trips to heaven for the beloved family pets and fishing, which he was less skilled with than the previously mentioned. Leslie’s life served no other obvious purpose, he did not contribute to society or serve his community and he possessed no redeeming qualities besides his quick witted sarcasm which was amusing during his sober days.”

“With Leslie’s passing he will be missed only for what he never did; being a loving husband, father and good friend.”

Leslie’s passing proves that evil does in fact die and hopefully marks a time of healing and safety for all.”

Wow. I’d have no words if I wasn’t a famous quick-witted blogger. That’s just brutal. I take it daughter was left out of the will? And why did she say he lived 29-years longer than expected? Why did she expect him to die in 1988? I’m confused and I need more information, damn it. Anyhoo, ol’ Popeye is accused here of the Triple Crown of asshattery – drinking, drugs, and womanizing. Thank God I can only be accused of three one of those. But honestly, who hasn’t joined the armed forces to escape criminal charges? Don’t most judges sort of give you that as an option? That’s what I thought.

But hey, at least she gave him credit for being amusing during his sober days, so there’s that. Still, a brutal obit. Just brutal.

Note to self: Write own obituary post haste.

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Well, h-e-l-l-l-o-o-o, flesh-eating screwworm.

A San Antonio woman has sued Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen and its local franchisee saying the fast-food chain served her rice and beans that had flesh-eating screwworms.

Karen Goode says in her lawsuit, filed Tuesday in Bexar County district court, that the screwworms entered her digestive tract and laid eggs, which became embedded in the interior lining of her small intestine. When the eggs hatched, they infested her body and began to eat her “alive from the inside-out.”

Patrick Stolmeier, Goode’s San Antonio lawyer, said she became ill and couldn’t work. As a result, she lost her business, her house and vehicles, he said. Goode seeks more than $1 million in damages from Atlanta-based Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen Inc. and Sugarland’s Z&H Foods Inc.

Man, nothing worse than going to Popeyes for some rice and beans and ending up with flesh-eating screwworms entering your digestive tract and laying eggs that become embedded in the interior lining of your small intestine, huh? That’s a bad day all-around, man. Especially when the eggs hatch, infest your body and begin to eat you alive from the inside out. Yeesh. On a related note, I may skip lunch today.

Yep. Orange gator.

Yep. Orange gator.

An orange alligator spotted in a pond in Hanahan has residents scratching their heads and wondering — is it an albino, a Clemson fan or simply covered in dry clay?

A post about the strangely colored reptile took off this week on the Tanner Plantation and Foster Creek Community Facebook page. Commenters speculated on how the alligator got its color, with many saying it was nothing but a coat of dry clay, which is abundant in the area.

Others made jokes.

“It’s a Trumpagator,” one commenter said.

When one resident wrote that the color came from sand and dirt at the bottom of the pond another quipped, “No, those are alternative facts.”

Kent A. Vliet, an alligator biologist at the University of Florida, said he does not believe this animal’s color is the result of a genetic abnormality.

“I have no doubt that animal is stained somehow,” Vliet said. “He’s the color of rust.”

While the “Trumpagator” doesn’t appear to be a rare genetic variant, there’s no doubt that its orange skin is an instant talking point.

“Holy mackerel,” Vliet said after first seeing a photo of the animal. “That’s even more orange than the last one I saw.”

First off, why ruin it by giving us this rust and clay bullshit? That’s an orange alligator, plain and simple. Those idiots just ruined a great public relations opportunity for the Foster Creek Community. I’d be down there selling Ollie the Orange Alligator t-shirts like a boss. Morons.

And I have way too much integrity as a blogger to go the Trump route on this one. That’s just low hanging fruit, man. I’d never lower myself to making comments comparing our beloved president to an orange, slimy crocodilian that climbed from the murky depths of hell to destroy us all.

Whaddaya think I am, one of those whiny, pansy, self-entitled libtards?

 Anyhoo, orange crocodile. You don’t see that everyday, man.

Listen, everyone knows the first impression is the most important and the handshake sets the tone, amirite? And I gotta tell you, The Donald’s handshake is about as aggressive as you can get without ripping a guy’s arm out of its socket. Just brutal, man. Intimidating as hell. Grab a bro’s hand, jerk him towards you and squeeze like a mofo. Hey, I’m pretty sure that one guy lost all feeling in his upper torso after Trump’s vice-like grip. But I get it. Dude has no idea what he’s doing so he wants to get out of the gate quickly, just dominate from the onset, knock the other guy so far off his game he’ll never be able to catch up. That’s just Dumb Guy 101 right there. Anyhoo, dominating handshake President Trump. Dominating indeed.

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That’s actually a Grassquatch.

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Giraffes and rats can last longer without water than camels.

 

Fraud.

Fraud.

Have you heard the story of Mark Twain and Halley’s Comet? Oh, you have? halleyscometThen back away slowly and get the hell out of my website.

Still here? Good. I didn’t like those loser know-it-alls anyway. Let’s move on . . .

Halley’s Comet is famous for its easy visibility and predictability. It’s named after Edmond Halley, an astronomer who figured out that it was the same comet coming back again and again. See, after making a tight cut around the Sun and shooting as far off as Neptune, Halley’s Comet appears in the night sky with its distinctive bright tail every 75 or 76-years, once in a lifetime for most of us poor suckers. It last cruised by in 1986 and is due back in 2061, so I’ll be 105 when it returns. Gotta think positive. kids.

Mark Twain, however, was one of the chosen ones. Twain was lucky enough to have been on Earth for two of Halley’s orbits, but both times he was rather preoccupied. The first time it passed, in 1835, he was being born. Twain always felt a personal connection to the comet because of this, stating:

“I came in with Halley’s Comet. It is coming again, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don’t go out with Halley’s Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: ‘Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.’ “

Aside from Mark Twain referring to himself as an “unaccountable freak”, that’s pretty cool, because it happened.

Sure enough, as the comet made its way past again in April 1910, Mark Twain quietly passed from this planet with it.

That is both weird and awesome at the same time, amirite?

Mark Twain, man. He knew.

Tastiness.

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Only 10 other quarterbacks in NFL history have thrown half as many touchdown passes as Peyton Manning.

 

peyton

You know the world’s going to end, right? It has a lifespan just like you and I do. It simply can’t spin on forever. No way, no how. Oh, it’ll probably happen long after we’re all dead and gone, so look at the bright side, it won’t be you but your great-great-great-great-great grandkids that witness the end of all things.

Hopefully.

Hell, it could happen tomorrow.

I know what you’re thinking, pleasant occurrences such as nuclear war, global warming or a large-scale pandemic disease. Nah, I’m talking about other cool stuff. Read on, loyal minions, to see how it could all end in a horrific ball of nastiness . . .

The Expanding Sunexpanding_sun

Scientists know for certain that our sun will end its life in 7.72 billion years, which is of no concern to us. Screw the future, amirite? Anyhoo, as the sun becomes older, it will become cooler and larger. By the time it becomes what they call a “stellar giant” it will be big enough to engulf both Mercury and Venus. Earth might seem safe at this point, but the sun will also create an extremely strong solar wind that will slow down the Earth. As a result, in about 7.59 billion years, our planet will spiral into the outer layers of the hugely expanded dying star, melt away forever, and be a distant memory in nobody’s mind because they’ll all be dead. Sad really.

solar-storm-616938A Solar Flare

That beautiful life-giving sun you see up there is not exactly as friendly as you might think. You see, the sun creates strong magnetic fields that generate impressive sunspots, sometimes many times larger than Earth. It also ejects a stream of particles and radiation called solar wind. If kept in check by Earth’s magnetic field, this wind can cause beautiful northern and southern lights. But when it becomes stronger, it can also influence radio communication or cause power outages. Back in 1859, the most powerful magnetic solar storm ever documented hit Earth. The incident was called the Carrington Event, and it caused huge interference with rather small scale electronic equipment. Such events must have happened several times in the past, too, with humans surviving obviously. However, in recent years have we become entirely dependent on electronic equipment. The truth is we would suffer tremendously if we underestimate the dangers of another Carrington Event or maybe even something more powerful. Even though this would not wipe out humanity instantly, it would represent one helluva challenge. There would be no electricity, heating, air conditioning, GPS or internet, food and medicines would go bad, and humans everywhere would have to, you know, talk to each other face-to-face. The horror!

Moving Starsfast-moving-stars-pose-a-dilemma-2

Sounds like a really bad reality show – “Watch as Tom Hanks moves from his swank digs in Bel Air to an upscale apartment in the Pacific Palisades!” Theoretically though, a wandering star on its path through the Milky Way might come so close to our sun that it would interact with the rocky “Oort cloud” at the edge of the solar system, which is the source of all of our comets. This might lead to an increased chance of a huge comet hurtling to Earth, which would lead to a not-so-fun time and an end to all that we hold dear. Which leads me to . . .

impactAn Asteroid Impact

We’re all aware of the dangers asteroids could pose to humanity – they are, after all, thought to have contributed to the extinction of the dinosaurs. Plus there’s the movie Armageddon, which made it clear we could all die unless Bruce Willis saves us all. And guess what? There are a bunch of big ol’ space rocks in our solar system that could be a serious threat to us.

We are just now starting to develop systems to protect us against some of the smaller asteroids that could strike us. But against the bigger ones we are basically helpless. And while they alone wouldn’t necessarily destroy Earth or even make it unlivable, they could wipe out humanity by causing enormous tsunamis, fires and other natural disasters. Good times!

So there you have my favorite ways humanity could be wiped out. Oh, there are other ways the world could end, stuff like Rogue Black Holes, the reversal of Earth’s magnetic field, a huge volcano, a Global Epidemic, Global Warming, the collapse of our Ecosystem, or some human-caused nuclear disaster. Maybe Trump will cause WWIII by attacking Liechtenstein or something, who knows?

Bottom line, don’t worry about it, kids. Live every single day as if it’s your last. Sounds like a bumper sticker but it’s true, man.

YOLO!

 

Tasty goodness.

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Quite a family here.

dogsducck

Ever heard of Nordlingen? It’s a round town in Germany. Yep, unlike the town of Circleville here in Ohio, which in fact is in no way a circle,* Nordlingen is round.

*Circleville was originally shaped in the form of a circle. Look it up.

Anyhoo, when viewed from above, Nordlingen appears to be perfectly round. It was one of the only towns in Germany to still have its complete city walls still standing, and the reason for its round shape goes back millions of years before its founding in the 9th century.

Wait. What? It was round before it was a city? Sure was, and here’s why.

You see, Nordlingen sits perfectly in a crater left by a meteor 14.5-million years ago. The crater is roughly 15.5 miles across and the medieval founders built the walls of the city on the rim where the 1/2 mile-long meteorite sat millions of years earlier. And get this – remnants of the rock can still be found within the walls of the city.

Pretty cool, huh?

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Aerial view.

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The wall around Nordlingen.

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Now I’m hungry.

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recipes

The Filet o’ Fish was invented so Catholics could eat at McDonald’s on Fridays.

 

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Big Viking guy here. My former students will attest to that. Love everything about them. Well, the raping and pillaging wasn’t cool, but you know what I mean. Anyhoo, there’s a Viking Festival in Scotland and it looks amazing. On a related note, I have a new item on my bucket list. Road Trip, anyone?

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