Seriously, what are the odds Madonna has this dancer executed for pulling her off the stage like that? Then again, wearing a giant cape like that is asking for trouble, amirite? Nah, someone’s gonna die for that. No doubt about it.

After working a hard day I came home to see my girlfriend cradling our child. I didn’t know which was more frightening, seeing my dead girlfriend and stillborn child, or knowing that someone broke into my apartment to place them there.

Well, that was just awful. Here’s a scary pic, also awful:

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The Lowland Streaked Tenrec lives in the rainforests of Madagascar, and he looks like the type of guy you wouldn’t want to step on. He has quills like a porcupine, except he’s way cuter. Seriously, look at that little snout. Adorable. He eats earthworms and bugs and resides with his family in a little burrow. If he’s attacked he lowers his head and charges like a boss head-first into the nose or paws of his enemy. The Lowland Streaked Tenrec is badass.

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I see you, Minnesota and Wisconsin.

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I didn't know about the cancer thing. Promise.

I didn’t know about the cancer thing. Promise.

So I read this on Reddit and thought it was worth a mention. Read on, with my comments to follow . .

So I’m a bit of a chilli head. Love my hot sauces. I also love to cook. I also cook my wife a delicious lunch each day, She kept complaining that someone was stealing her lunch every couple of days out of the fridge at work. So I made her some buffalo wings for lunch to put in the fridge, They are really popular with her colleagues But I spiced them up just a little with some Blair’s 4am Reserve, which is the hottest legal sauce known to man. (I note you are meant to dilute it with 1 drop per 5 litres of liquid). So I added a couple of drops of Blairs 4am Reserve per wing with nice dusting of Ghost chilli powder for good measure. I did eat a couple to make sure it didn’t kill anybody, they were real hot. Even cream doesn’t cut the heat: and Ghost chillies keep getting hotter for about 5 minutes. Needless to say just before lunch, there was a shrill from the kitchen, a young male colleague decided to help himself the my wife’s lunch which was clearly marked with her name. He ran to the toilet and vomited over and over. Apparently the moans sounded like he was dying. My wife just sat there innocently pretending nothing was wrong. Needless to say she has not lost a single lunch since.

Listen, I love this move. You know why? Because there is nothing worse than a lunch thief. Nothing. When I was in high school a guy was stealing my lunch so I got some formaldehyde from the chemistry room, poured it on my ham sandwich, put it in my lunch sack, and waited for the hilarity to ensue. Boom. Roasted. Trust me, the guy never stole my lunch again. Oh, there may or may not have been a trip to the hospital involved as well, but that’s neither here nor there. The bigger point is everyone’s lunch was safe because of yours truly. You’re welcome, fellow students. You’re welcome.

Note: The statute of limitations has passed, right? Right?

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A schoolboy from rural Victoria returned home yesterday to find a furry carjacker behind the wheel of the family Land Rover.

Sam Box, 15, told 9news.com.au he had just gotten off the bus after school when he found the koala “trying to drive our car away”.

He quickly snapped photos showing the koala sitting in the driver’s seat with its paws on the steering wheel.

“After a while he just hopped out and walked away,” Box said.

Yeah, I bet. Walked away in disgust.

Seriously, so this is what the world has come down to? I never thought I’d see the day when a koala couldn’t get in a car and take a scenic drive across the Australian countryside. All this little guy wanted was take a drive, go see his girlfriend in the outback, maybe have a little koala afternoon delight. But n-o-o-o, Sam Box had to go and spoil the party.

Shame on you, Sam Box. Leave that koala alone.

You get home, tired after a long day’s work and ready for a relaxing night alone. You reach for the light switch, but another hand is already there.

Bonus pic:

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Yeti! YETI! Wait. Cotton Candy! COTTON CANDY! No? Angora Rabbit? Yes, Angora Rabbit. I swear that in no way resembles a rabbit, but I guess he’s in there somewhere. On a related note, I highly recommend some conditioner next time this guy washes his hair. Just a suggestion.

AngoraRabbit

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Fascinating. Well, at least to me.

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The Los Angeles Lakers are awful. Kobe Bryant is hurt and can’t play. His teammates, meanwhile, celebrated a win over the almost as awful Boston Celtics as if they’d won the NBA title. Here’s Kobe’s reaction after being shown the post-game footage of his teammate’s antics on Jimmy Kimmel. God, how I love Kobe Bryant. Keep fighting the good fight, my friend. There are far too few of you left.

Listen, I don’t have a lot of life rules, other than “do unto others . . .” and stuff like that. However, one of my hard and fast rules is “Don’t stand on the track during a horse race.” Just bad policy all around. However, if you ever find yourself out there you just have to keep your head on a swivel. Otherwise you could get steamrolled like the guy below.

PS – That guy has to be dead, right? I always wonder how family members deal with the aftermath of something like this:

“So I heard your dad died. What happened?”

“He was murdered by Cherry Pop, a chestnut gelding from Kentucky. It was a hoof and run.”

That’s gotta be awkward, man.

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Dispatch – Ohio State football coach Urban Meyer is circling in the Gulf of Mexico. The ship, with a reported 2,500 on board and due in port yesterday, has been in a holding pattern about 20 miles off the coast for a day now waiting for the dense fog to lift. That’s not expected until at least 7 p.m. today according to the latest weather advisory.

Wow. Urban Meyer is in a holding pattern in the Gulf of Mexico. What are the odds Urban has ripped the ship’s captain a new a-hole by now?

“What do you mean we can’t find the damn port? Doesn’t this thing have radar? I have recruits to visit! GET ME HOME DAMN IT!”

I swear to God there has to be a captain doing laps around the Carnival Princess as we speak.

PS: Imagine pirates trying to take over this luxury liner during the Buckeye Cruise, which I assume is what we’re talking about here. Pirates get on board, only to come face-to-face with Meyer, Spielman and Bosa. Pirates being thrown overboard all over the place. Dead pirate city, man.

Nothing like electro-dance music to accompany watching the earth swallow a couple folks.

Enjoy . . .

My wife woke me up last night to tell me there was an intruder in our house. She was murdered by an intruder 2 years ago.

Bonus pic:

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This, my beloved readers, is the Sea Pig. He is not actually a pig, but he does live in the sea. He is also known as a Scotoplane, which makes no sense whatsoever but sounds cool as hell. Sea Pigs live w-a-y down in the ocean because they really don’t want to run into one of the beautiful sea creatures, like a dolphin or something. That would just be awkward. One of the Sea Pigs favorite activities is feasting on a whale corpse, which by looking at the Sea Pig should be in no way surprising. Anywho, Sea Pig.

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Look kids! It changes! Enjoy! On a related note, Jennifer had a nice run.

Hypocrisy indeed. Or maybe just stupidity.

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So I was perusing the interwebs this past weekend and I came across a site (www.faceplusplus.com) that allows you to upload photo of yourself and find out what celebrity you resemble. So, I did it to see what would happen. Below are the results. According to the site the celebrities I resemble the most are Wen Zhang, Zhang Jiz, Bao Guoan, Zhag Yi, Justin Timberlake, and Li Jindou. Wait. Rewind. I don’t know what’s more confusing, all the Asian dudes or Timberlake.

On a related note, WHAT THE HELL?

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The Scary Two Sentence Stories series has been a surprise hit. It makes me feel good to know there are people of my ilk out there in the world. Sort of. Here’s #3:

There was a picture in my phone of me sleeping. I live alone.

Bonus pic:

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Sweet Mother of God kids, look at that Red-Lipped Batfish! I shall call him Roger. First off, that’s a fish? W-h-a-a-a-t? Batfish are not good swimmers, which you would think would kill their self-esteem. However, they use their highly-adapted pectoral fins to “walk” on the ocean floor, which other ocean life find highly amusing. Red-Lipped Batfish and I are a bit alike, too. No, I don’t use my pectoral fin to walk on the ocean floor but I do like shrimp, just like this looker you see below. On a related note, boy does Roger look grumpy.

ARedLippedBatfish

Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?

My crack staff here at Shoe: Untied has consulted some actual Kentuckians, and they confirm this map’s accuracy. So there.

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Part of the problem is the name, I get that. “Beach Boys” can only mean a bunch of surfer dudes singing about cars, girls, and surfing, right?

Wrong.

The Beach Boys are undoubtedly the most misunderstood band in music history. Yes, they first became popular singing songs about cars, girls and surfing, but they grew into much more than that.

In fact, back in ’66 The Beach Boys recorded an album that scared the living hell out of The Beatles. That album was called Pet Sounds. Legend has it that when John Lennon first heard Pet Sounds, he took it over to Paul McCartney’s house and said, “We’re finished. I don’t know how this can ever be topped.” And he may have been right. Pet Sounds is now considered either the greatest or second greatest album in history, depending on what list you’re reading.

Of course, John and Paul proceeded to record Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, regarded by many as the greatest album of all-time. Or second greatest. The point is, though, that they were inspired by the album Pet Sounds, largely written and produced by Brian Wilson, a creative genius if there ever was one.

Pet Sounds featured unheard of production, from the lush sounds to the gorgeous harmonies to the musical “extras” thrown in for good measure, such as sound effects and unconventional instruments such as bicycle bells, buzzing organs, harpsichords, flutes, an electro-theremin, dog whistles, trains, Hawaiian-sounding string instruments, Coke cans and barking dogs.

No wonder John was stunned when he heard it for the first time.

Still, The Beach Boys are known by most today as a band that sang songs revolving around, well, the beach. But that’s just not the case. They were groundbreaking, in particular Brian Wilson, the genius behind the music.

And I always chuckle when I hear someone say Aerosmith or my beloved R.E.M. are the Greatest American Rock Bands. Just not true. It’s The Beach Boys.

Having said all that I’ll now give you my favorite Beach Boys songs of all-time. Some are breezy, California pop songs. others a little more serious and heavy, but all are stellar.

Enjoy . . .

God Only Knows (1966)

 There are a couple interesting bits of trivia regarding this song. First of all, it’s Paul McCartney’s favorite song, ever. Secondly, it’s one of the first songs to ever use the word “God” in the title. Have I mentioned Carl Wilson’s heavenly vocals? And listen for the famous intro . . .
Caroline, No (1966)
Quite simply one of the saddest songs ever recorded.
“Where did your long hair go?
Where is the girl I used to know?”
Sigh.

Breakaway (1969)

Who can’t relate to these lyrics?

Time will not wait for me
Time is my destiny
Why change the part of me that has to be free?

Just a beautiful, uplifting song.

Good Vibrations (1966)

Maybe the most well-known Beach Boys song, this was Brian Wilson’s self-proclaimed “Pocket Symphony.” Absolutely groundbreaking in too many ways to mention, including the use of the an electro-theremin, which Mike Love referred to as the “woo-woo machine.” For a special treat, watch this video made during the recording of this masterpiece. Here’s the song performed live:

Lady Lynda (1979)

Lady Lynda was written and sung by none other than Al Jardine, an original Beach Boy but obviously not a Wilson brother. The song begins with a snippet from Bach’s  composition Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring. Ends with it too. Just a beautiful song. Give it a listen.
‘Til I Die (1971)
This song was Brian Wilson’s desperate cry for help. He was mentally ill and I don’t know how much more clearer he could’ve made it. Haunting.
Do It Again (1968)
This song was sort of a throw-back to an earlier time, recorded after Pet Sounds but harking back to their days of surf music. Beautiful vocals by Mike Love and Brian Wilson. Here’s a remake from a few years ago.
Baby Blue (1979)
Just a haunting song by Dennis Wilson, written shortly before he drowned. Dennis didn’t write much, but this song ranks right up there with the Beach Boy’s best. Gorgeous.
California Girls (1965)
Yeah, how can you not have this gem in the mix? The soaring chorus, the beautiful harmonies? The perfect Beach Boys song? Maybe.
Wouldn’t It Be Nice (1966)
This song was actually banned from some radio stations because the Boys sang about living together. Yep. ‘Twas a different time, kids. But once again, the harmonies are unsurpassed. Listen to the harmonies on the words “stay together” from the lyrics below when you play the video. Just gorgeous.
“You know it’s gonna make it that much better,
When we can say goodnight and stay together.”
Everyone’s in Love With You (1976)
An unknown nugget, this Mike Love tune is about . . . the Maharishi. Very pretty, underrated song.
Barbara Ann (1965)
The Beach Boys did not write this song, but I had to include it to illustrate their amazing harmonies. They recorded this version in a hotel room full of friends and roadies, and at one point you can hear somebody yell, “Play with the ashtray!”
And they do. Simply amazing. LISTEN to this.

Here’s our second installment of Scary Two Sentence Stories. Enjoy . . .

I can’t move, breathe, speak or hear and it’s so dark all the time. If I knew it would be this lonely, I would have been cremated instead.

And as promised I’ll add a creepy photo too!

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The USA, holding out until the end. We’re independent, damn it! And also stubborn.

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The Blue Parrot Fish lives on the reefs down in the Caribbean and elsewhere. It’s a mystery as to how they get their name, other than the fact that THEY’RE A FREAKING BLUE FISH! Sorry, I lost it there for a minute. Really though, that’s one really blue fish, ain’t it? The Blue Parrot Fish spends 80% of its time searching for food, which is a bit sad. Anyway, check out that blue fish. Nature, man.

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