Posts Tagged ‘Assclowns’


Not all people of course.

So I was driving to Chilly the other day when I noticed the traffic in front of me swerving, slowing down and generally behaving as if a pack of hyenas had been let loose in the road. As I pulled up however, I saw two dogs in the middle of the highway. They were really upset, just running back and forth in the highway, frantic and obviously beside themselves with confusion,  just terrified.

Cars were slowing down to avoid hitting them but were otherwise moving on. After pausing for about 1.5 seconds I decided to stop and try and get them off the road. Big dog guy, I can’t help myself. As luck would have it a lady in a van was going in the other direction and had stopped as well, so she helped me corral the two in the ditch beside the road. The dogs were beautiful cocker spaniels and were obviously somebody’s pets, as they had collars with tags. They were also caked with mud. The tags had an address which I  knew to be about 4-miles away so I thought what the hell, I can clean my car later. At that point I told the lady I’d take them home. I just couldn’t leave the dogs like that. They readily hopped into the backseat of my car, mud and all, and we were off.

Sparky (as you can imagine) wasn’t happy with this arrangement but I told him to chillax, I was only trying to help his doggie brethren.

As I drove to the address, one of the dogs decided to join us up front, which I thought was nice of him if not exactly prudent given his state of filthiness. Still, at that point I was just happy they were contained.

I finally made it to the address and drove back the driveway, noticing a couple “NO TRESPASSING” signs as I went. I ignored the signs, assured the owners would be thrilled to be getting their pets back. Upon arrival at the house I left the dogs in the car and walked up to the door. The main door was open, but a screen door was there and I knocked, then called and asked if anyone was home.


I could hear a TV or radio on so I yelled a couple times, basically saying I’d found their dogs. After getting no response I walked around the house, again yelling and getting nothing in return. Since the dogs were going nuts in my car and the garage door was open I finally decided to let them out. They immediately ran into the garage, clearly happy to be home. After standing in the driveway and yelling a couple more times I drove away, making sure the pups didn’t follow me. They did not.

Later that evening I found out who lived at the house. I didn’t know the people but decided to give them a call to make sure everything was alright with the dogs. OK, maybe a small part of me wanted a pat on the back for bringing their pets home.

Alas, t’was not to be. Here’s what happened when I called:

Me: “Hey, I’m the guy who found your dogs and brought them home yesterday. I yelled but nobody came to the door. I’m just calling to make sure they’re OK.”

Guy: “Oh, we were there. You know those ‘NO TRESPASSING’ signs are there for a reason, right?”


At that point I yelled said something about just taking the dogs home with me the next time I found them, and hung up.

Moral of the story? Some people are ungrateful idiots.

Originally published on August 28th, 2012.

I recently posted a video of that chick ripping Kim Kardashian and it got me to thinking, which is always a risky proposition. Who are the biggest assclowns today? You know who I’m talking about, the people who are just clueless. Pure smugness, no self-awareness, no idea what it’s like in the real world, those sort of folks. Assclowns. Here’s the Urban Dictionary’s definition:

Assclown: One, who, through the fault of his parents conception, is a skid mark in society’s collective underwear.

There ya go. That’s what I was trying to say.

Note: When perusing the interwebs for this blog, I came across an interesting bit of information. It seems that an idiot is a stupid person with a mental age below 3-years, while a moron is a stupid person with a mental age between 7 to 12 years of age. Food for thought.

I have mostly athletes in my list, partly because there’s a lot of sports related stuff on Shoe: Untied and partly because, honestly, there are a lot of dumbass professional athletes, coaches and sports reporters out there. You may not agree with a couple of my choices, to which I say I don’t give a damn.

I purposely left out politicians for the same reason I don’t put political stuff on Facebook or on this website. I get way too invested and emotional.  It also makes me want to punch people in the larynx. My friends with opposing political views know this and try not to bring that stuff up. Having said that, the Hasselbeck chick on The View is doing for conservatives what John Wayne Gacy did for Party Clowns.

In addition, I left out people I work with because, well . . . you all know who I’m talking about and that blog is coming in, oh, say a month or so. Stay tuned. Heh-heh.

Again, this is my own personal list, so feel free to argue or call me a dumbass in the comments section. Just remember you’re dealing with a razor-sharp wit here. I can be brutal when prodded. I shall now give you my Top 10 Assclowns, in no particular order. Let’s get started:

Skip Bayless


What. A. Dick. Anybody watch this jackass on ESPN’s First Take? This blowhard trollcown comes up with some of the most asinine opinions you can imagine. Really, I know the guy is paid to be controversial and stir things up, but how can anybody watch his act? Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, went on the show the other day and absolutely destroyed him. I loved it. Bottom-line? I can handle the contrariness, the buffoonery, the “trying to say something outrageous” mentality. But being uninformed? Not so much.

The Kardashians

As I posted earlier, Ronda Rousey put it best: ‘I don’t want some girl whose entire fame is based on some sex video to be sellin’ Skecher’s to my 13-year old sister.” Amen, sister, amen. Preach it! And you know what? From what I’ve seen (yeah, I’ve watched the show) Kim is probably the least annoying of the whole damn family. Most annoying? The mother, Kris. That damn show has completely ruined my image of Bruce Jenner, not to mention Lamar Odom. Jeebus.

Oprah Winfrey

Hat size? 9.

Millions of adoring fans disagree, but I began growing weary of her act years ago. It might have been the time she threw one of those parties where everyone was ordered to show up in white and she wore red, I don’t know. Maybe it was the time she arrived at a store in Paris at 6:45, the store had closed at 6:30, and after being denied entrance she played the race card. Maybe it’s just her know-it-all, smug attitude.  Maybe it’s that her idea of happiness seems to always involve a lot of money. Maybe it’s her perceived infallability. Maybe it’s her enormous head. Wait. She’s responsible for Dr. Phil, right? Maybe that’s it.

Or maybe it’s all of the above?

Coach K

The Rat.

Uh-oh. Now I’m steppin’ on toes. Coach K is a paragon of virtue! He’s our olympic coach! He stands for all that is right in college athletics!  Nah, not really. You know how Coach K is always turning down these high-dollar job offers from the NBA? How he always “mulls things over” for a few days only to ultimately decide to stay at his beloved Duke because he loves “his kids”? Bullshit. Do you know how many times Roy Williams or Bob Huggins have been offered NBA jobs? Many times, trust me. The difference is, they don’t hold press conferences or send out press releases bragging about it while holding their colleges and “their kids” hostage. Guys like Coach K and Coach Cal at Kentucky do. And it’s amazing how they always end up with a raise after these offers. Coach K, in particular, hauls in 10-million per year. Another quick point. I’ve been lucky enough to be in small groups with both Coach K and the legendarily profane Bobby Knight. Worst mouth? Coach K, and it’s not even close. Mother****** this, mother****** that. Now I’m sure you know I could care less about bad language, but then again I’m not a self-righteous, smug coach pretending to ne something I’m not. Sorry Dookies.

Michael Jordan

By all accounts a complete ass. There are a hundred stories of how poorly he treated his teammates, and if you want an example of arrogance at its worst just check out his acceptance speech when he was inducted into the Professional Basketball Hall of Fame. Humble he ain’t. Also, there’s the little issue of the time he was forced to leave basketball because of his gambling problems retired and played baseball (badly) for 3-years. Even thinking he was good enough to play pro baseball shows the height of arrogance and assclownery. See how I did that? I’ve used both assclownery and trollcown in this blog. I’m a trailblazer I tell ya. Trailblazer.

Antonio Cromartie

The responsible young man named Antonio Cromartie has 12 kids, four from his wife and eight others with seven different women. Assclown. That is all.

Dwight Howard

Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. A year ago you were one of the most well-liked players in the NBA. Well, now you ain’t. Your preening was already wearing thin and then you  went and demanded to be traded. Over and over and over again. You’re making millions and millions and millions of dollars to play basketball, yet you whine and moan about not wanting to be in Orlando. You got one of the best coaches in the NBA fired because he wouldn’t coddle you and your juvenile ways, you gave team management a list of teams you wanted to go to (as if it was your decision), and you’re situation is now being referred to as “The Dwightmare” in Orlando. Congrats son, you’re now the poster boy for the spoiled, whiny, sulking professional athlete. Nice work bro!

Note: Dwight went to L.A. and pulled the same spoiled-child act. He’s now in Houston.

Jay Cutler

Here are 5 reasons I dislike Jay Cutler:

His smirk.

Intensity personified.

He sat out the second half of a playoff game even though he was walking around on the sideline, smirking. Get out there, ya wuss!

He once said he had a better arm than John Elway.

He’s engaged to Kristin Cavallari, who is in love with me although she doesn’t know it yet because we’ve never met. Yet.

Dillon Pearce

Never heard of this jerk? That’s because he’s not an athlete, an actor, or a politician. What he is is an assclown of the highest order. Dillon Pearce was driving a Hummer down the street in Ann Arbor, Michigan (it figures), and turned into a McDonald’s parking lot. As he did, a mother duck was leading her family across the lot. What did he do? Dillon Pearce floored the Hummer and ran over the ducklings. I gotta be honest, if I ever witnessed something like that somebody would be in line for a severe ass-beating and I would be the one that ended up in jail. Anyway, the guy was convicted on a felony charge and spent a few days in the slammer. And although he’s free now, he’ll always and forever be a dick.

Eric Davis

Any list I ever compile like this will always include Eric Davis, former outfielder for our own Cincinnat Redlegs.  Here’s why. Years ago I took my nephews and their buddies to a Reds game. We went early to watch batting practice, maybe catch a foul ball. At one point we’re right by the railing and Eric Davis comes walking by. Keep in mind this guy was a hero to these kids. The kids were calling out to him, calling him Mr. Davis, being very polite. After ignoring them (even though he was 5-feet away), he finally stopped, looked at them, and yelled, “WHAT? Leave me the fuck alone!” At that point I yelled something very innapropriate back at him as he slithered away, but the damage had been done. The kids were just stunned, mortified, and hurt. I really felt badly for them and was trying to calm them down when pitcher Norm Charlton walked up to save the day. He’d seen what happened, grabbed the kid’s stuff, and as he was signing gave out this sage advice: “Don’t pay any attention to him, guys. He’s an asshole.”

I love Norm Charlton.

So there you have it. I’ve trashed the great Coach K and Michael Jordan, not to mention Oprah Winfrey’s legions of fanatics probably have a bounty on my head as we speak.

To which I reply, “Meh.”

Hope you had a lovely weekend.

Originally published on July 13th, 2012.

A father and son duo has spent the last year brutally humiliating a 10-year-old Ohio girl with cerebral palsy, her parents have claimed – and they have video to prove it. Every day after school at the bus stop, William Bailey and his nine-year-old son Joseph slowly hobble from the school bus to their vehicle, limping with bent legs, in front of Hope Holcomb’s classmates. ‘Stop, please, try to be nice,’ Hope has asked them, weeping. Her grandmother filmed the pair mocking Hope, showing indisputable evidence of the mockery and cruelty she has been subjected to. ‘It makes me sick too, to think that a grown man would tease a 10-year-old disabled girl that has never done a thing to any of them for no reason, and now she doesn’t want to get on the bus to go to school,’ Mike Knight said to the station. Mr. Bailey ‘I love that little girl. I never even meant that or anything at all toward little Hope. I don’t make fun of anybody with a disability,’ he said to the Canton Rep. His wife Vickie Bailey defended his actions. ‘He did get out of the car, you’ve seen the video I am sure, my kid was walking like, but no offense to Hope so why they are taking it that way, I have no idea,’ Mrs Bailey said.

If I was this poor girl’s father I’m pretty sure I would end up incarcerated for what I’d do to William Bailey. Then I’d hire one of my 5th graders to take care of his son Joseph. Complete assclowns.

Really, I promise.


Not me of course. I’m “Shoe”, also known to some as “The Shoe.” In this case I’m talking about Ohio Stadium, where Coach O’Leary will be bringing his mighty Knights tomorrow. Apparently Coach O’Leary is a dumbass. Read on . . .


Central Florida head football coach George O’Leary is grabbing the attention of Ohio State fans after comments he made Thursday night during his call-in radio show.

O’Leary said he did not prepare his Knights to deal with noise during their game at OSU Saturday because, in his view, it’s not a loud stadium.

“I tell you what, it’s like Michigan. It’s not a loud stadium. I mean, they sit on their hands in that stadium. I’ve been there before, and you take Wisconsin, you take Iowa, you take UCF… it’s much louder than that stadium. It really is as far as the noise is concerned, because it is so far away from the field. But a lot of stadiums are a lot louder than that place. I didn’t even bring in music this week, or any type of noise (in practice) because I think we should be able to execute without it.” O’Leary said.

OSU hosts UCF at Noon Saturday in the Horseshoe. As of 1 p.m. Friday, tickets were still available. Click here to listen to Coach O’Leary’s full comments.

Ryan Lochte is an American swimmer in the Olympics. For the life of me I’ll never get the appeal of these glasses. Just screams assclown on every level.

No, no. You didn’t really think I’d write about that, did you? What I’d like to talk about is a subject that has been gnawing at me for quite some time.  I’ve touched on it in a previous blog, but since it’s still rearing its ugly head I’d like to revisit the subject in the form of an open letter.  Let us proceed:

Dear Asshat,

I know you are very proud of yourself because you “keep it real.” I’ve heard you mouth off several times only to follow up with the statement, “Hey, you know me man. I’m keepin’ it real. Just sayin’ what I feel.” You actually feel as if this is some badge of honor, something to be admired for, indeed, something that sets you apart from the rest of us “phonies.” So, let me get this straight so I understand what “keeping it real” means. It means that when a thought works its way into your wee mind, it just comes flying straight out of your mouth? And this makes you special why? Isn’t that the easy way out? Isn’t it more honorable to actually withhold those asinine thoughts inside your teeny tiny brain? You know, censor yourself a little? Show some restraint?

You know what I think? I think your brain is so miniscule you could put it in a flea’s ass and it would bounce around like a BB in a boxcar. Just keepin’ it real.

So, to reiterate (look it up), it’s doesn’t make you special to just blurt out whatever you’re thinking. That’s what 2-year olds do. It’s OK to fake it from time-to-time or you know, just hold it in. Guess what? It’s actually cooler, and in fact makes you a better person, to just stop, take a breath, and shut your piehole.



God, I feel much better now. Thank you and goodnight.

Carlos Boozer plays for the Chicago Bulls. His team was eliminated from the playoffs last night. Carlos went 1-11 from the floor and sat out the entire 4th quarter. Here is his quote after the game:

“I thought I played well, especially with the kind of season it was,” Boozer said, when asked to assess his second season in Chicago. “We had the best record again in basketball, won our division again, had the top seed again, that’s all that matters, yo.”

That has got to be the dumbest quote I’ve heard in a l-o-n-g time, yo.

Oh, and he makes $75-million a year, yo.