Archive for August, 2014

Hilarity.

Unintentional comedy is always the best.

Continuing with my map theme, today I bring you “The Most Famous Brand Originating from Each State” map. Ohio gives us Wendy’s, which I suppose could be worse. Hey, it beats South Carolina and Denny’s I guess. South Dakota can’t be real proud either. And hey, check out Florida. That’s sort of perfect, amirite?

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For our second educational lesson of the day I give you the Economic Wealth Map, in which the countries are sized according to how much money we have.

On a related note, poor Africa.

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As many of you know, myself and my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied aren’t just bent on posting blogs about humor, music or sports stuff. Hell nah. From time-to-time we come across something educational and throw it right up there without a second thought. Hey, I know my readers are a sophisticated lot. Well, most of them,

With that in mind I came across a cool map yesterday showing what parts of the world have the internet. What you can see is that it’s not quite the “worldwide web” yet, is it? I’d have guessed the usage to be far more vast than it actually is. And did you know that only 7% of Africa is online? Never stop learning, kids!

Anyway, I give you the Global Internet Usage Map. Pretty cool, amirite?

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As many of you know, I’m a dog guy. I’ve always had dogs in my life but never a true “inside” dog until I had Poe, a Scottish Terrier my ex-wife and I had for 15-years. Along with Poe we had Delaney and more recently Sandy. All were Scotties, a breed of dog that, shall we say, is independent to put it mildly.

Since last January I’d kind of had it in the back of my mind that I’d get another dog, but I wasn’t sure what breed I wanted. I love Scotties but was pretty open-minded about getting another type of dog. Well, as luck would have it a little Jack Russell Terrier came bursting into my life out of nowhere. He belonged to the neighbor of a friend and, well, you know the rest of the story.

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Enjoy, kids.

images8FC5PT65So today I get a text, and I don’t recognize the number. Here’s how it went down. The texter is in italics:

“Guess what honey? I figured it out!”

“Who is this?”

“Your dad! I’m awesome!”

At this point I know there’s been a mistake. Number one, my dad doesn’t text. Number two, he’s never used the word “awesome” in his life. Still, I thought I’d play along . . .

“What did you figure out?”

“How to text! Aren’t you proud of me?” 

Dang, the guy seemed so happy I hated to let him down by pointing out the obvious – that he hadn’t quite “figured it out.” Still, I tried to do so gently . . .

“I’m sorry, but I’m not your daughter. You must have the wrong number. It happens.”

“HAHAHAHA! You’re funny.”

“No, seriously. Not her.”

“HAHAHAHA! Stop it sweetie.”

“My name is Dave.”

“HAHAHAHA! You’re proud of me, right?”

Well, now I was really perplexed. He was very proud of himself. I mean, he actually put an extra “HA” in there that last time. I was trying to convince him, but he wasn’t buying it. Should I just play along and say something like “Congrats dad, see you soon!”?

Nah, that would have caused w-a-y too much confusion on their end the next time they saw each other. Finally I ended it like this:

“Sir, my name is Dave Shoemaker. I coach basketball at Paint Valley. I have a son named Kip and a dog named Sparky. My father’s name is Ralph. Glad you learned to text but you need to re-check your daughter’s number.”

There was a long silence between that text and his response. But finally . . .

“O.K. Sorry.”

And a few minutes later . . .

“Good luck with the team this year. I hear you guys are going to be pretty good. Sorry again.”

“Thanks and no problem.”

What can I say? Some folks are still getting used to this whole technology thing.

Anyway, confused texting father, welcome to 2006.

Wow. I did not know.

Beat that, suckers.

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There. Now you’re happy again.

So the Brunch Burger was created in Pittsburgh. The idea is a combination breakfast/lunch sandwich, hence the name. The Brunch Burger is made of a burger patty (60% beef, 40% bacon), sharp cheddar cheese, a fried egg, and it is all held together by a nicely toasted glazed doughnut topped with black, white and yellow sprinkles, because of course it is.

I have to admit, I’m split on this one so I’ll just call it gloriously disgusting.

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Dude may have a hip pointer.

Weeeeeeee!!!

. . . whoever this chick is.

Their parents must be so proud.

A rock classic.

Well, yeah. According to this weather report things aren’t looking so good.

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So remember the “homeless” dude Miley Cyrus brought to the stage after she won for best video at mileyhome-442x640the VMA’s the other night? Turns out he’s a model with a happy home back in Oregon. Yeah, he could have gone home at any time, so that’s technically not homeless. Guess we can call him homeless by choice? Good Lord. I knew there was something weird about this guy when he said during the speech he’d been an extra in movies. He was promoting himself. And it seems that rather than get a job pumping gas, bussing tables, or just going home he chose to live on the street.

Fraud.

Here’s the dizzle:

DM – The mother of the former homeless man who picked up Miley Cyrus’s VMA gong today told MailOnline that he wanted to ‘make it on his own’ in LA – and ‘didn’t want to give up and run on home to mommy’. Struggling model Jesse Helt, 22, who hails from Salem, Oregon, was Miley’s date for the evening and when she won the Video of the Year award for her song Wrecking Ball, he stepped on to the stage in her place to read a speech about the plight of homeless young people – admitting he too had been homeless. Speaking from her home in Salem, Mrs Helt, mother to Jesse’s three brothers and sister, added Jesse chose to ‘go it alone’ and chase his dreams. She said: ‘He wanted to be in Los Angeles and he had opportunities and he took them, but you know, he’s had his ups and downs like anybody else. ‘It was his choice, he was always welcome, he could always come back any time. If he needed help, I’d help him, we help one another,’ she added. Stunned by his appearance on the VMAs on Sunday night, Mrs Helt said: ‘This will change his life, absolutely. This will turn things around for him and I believe God is the one that is doing it, God is making a difference and Jesse believes that.

Here’s the poor homeless man’s modeling page:

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So I was in a local gas station yesterday, buying a Rockstar Punched Sugar Free Energy Drink and a bagimagesNQSQTQXG of Herr’s Extra Crunchy Kettle Cooked Potato Chips for lunch. On a related note, I have terrible eating habits. How I maintain my girlish figure and youthful appearance is a mystery to medical experts far and wide.

Anyhoo, the radio is on and tuned to the only real major local station. I know this will be a shock to all of you, this being southern Ohio and all, but a country song is playing. I believe it was popular country crooner Luke Bryan, who the ladies seem to swoon over these days.

In through the door walks a couple of ladies that were, oh, perhaps in their mid-30’s. One of them stops, cocks her head, listens, and makes this comment to her friend:

“Hey! That same song was playing in our car! Awe-sooooome!”

Sigh.

She then high-fived her friend and they proceeded to buy some Skittles, a bag of Lifesaver Wintergreen Mints, a couple Snapple’s and mysteriously, a small hammer.

In the meantime, Luke’s song had concluded and Brad Paisley was now singing about ticks. As the couple departed with their odd bag of purchases, they were happily singing along with Brad.

I could only imagine their wide-eyed wonder when they found that this song was playing in their car too.

I just know they thought it was awesome.

For all you young players out there, there once was a college player as good as Michael Jordan and LeBron James. He jumped as high, shot as well, and was just as strong. He played at Maryland and was drafted by the Boston Celtics, but Len Bias died of a drug overdose before he played an NBA game. Don’t believe he was that good? Watch this video:

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Been there.

Slip, then fly!

So I’m sort of addicted to the TMZ show on TV. Yeah, I know, I’m not exactly proud of myself but IimagesLX2HDZV6 can’t help it so deal with it. Anyway, their camera people are always chasing celebrities around, and the celebs reactions always amaze me. Although some will just stop and say hello, most either try to hide, run, or some combination of both.

My question is this – why?

What are they running from? Why not say a few words or simply smile and keep walking? Why do they throw coats over their heads and try to shield themselves from the cameras? Are they having a bad hair day? Makes zero sense to me.

I recently saw Kanye West running through an airport, jumping over turnstiles and otherwise behaving as if he was being chased by a serial killer, all in order to escape the paparazzi. Wouldn’t it have been easier to simply smile, give a wave and walk to your car? Number one, you look way cooler, and number two, you don’t look like an idiot.

And why do these people dream of becoming famous, only to hate fame after they achieve it? I’m so confused. Anyhoo, here’s how dumb celebrities look when they try to hide. Feel free to make fun of them.

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C’mon, bullies. Get it together.