Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

We’ve all walked out of movies asking questions like, “Why in the hell did Mary open that damn basement door?” Movies can be confusing, man. I remember walking out of the critically acclaimed Momento wanting to pound a roofing nail into my ear with a ballpeen hammer. I hate those reverse chronology movies or movies where they jump around different time frames. It warps my delicate brain, dude. Anyway, my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied, after some extensive research, has come up with 23 of the most mind-boggling plot holes in movie history. Take a gander . . .

In Armageddon, wouldn’t it have been easier to train astronauts how to drill than train drillers to become astronauts? See? Gourd blown already. Told ya.

In Gremlins, the one thing everyone knows is that you should never, ever feed them after midnight. But isn’t it always after midnight? At what point in the day does it become before midnight? I’m getting a headache.

In Gravity, when Kowalski asks Stone to let go of him because the rope will not hold them both, that’s scientifically incorrect. It could never happen because they are both in the same orbit around the earth. A short, simple tug would have brought him right back to her. Der.

In The Shawshank Redemption, Andy escapes and his empty cell isn’t discovered until the next morning by the Warden, who yanks away the Raquel Welch poster on the wall to discover a hole. How was Andy able to reattach the poster from inside the tunnel?

Note: I may have figured this one out. If he left the top attached he could have simply let if fall back down into place. Maybe?

In Transformers, Sam has put a pair of glasses on eBay. By unfortunate coincidence, these are exactly the same glasses that the Decepticons are looking for because they contain the roadmap to where the All Spark is. However, we later learn that the Decepticons can hack into the United States military network with ease, so surely they could place a bid on eBay. Maybe they didn’t have a PayPal account?

In The Karate Kid the referee repeatedly outlines that there will be no kicks to the head allowed. This is all before Daniel wins the final fight. With a kick. To the freakin’ head. Illegal move. Johnny wins.

Come on, man.

In Edward Scissorhands, Edward carves giant sculptures. Where did the ice come from? The film is set in a warm climate. And how would he have carried them?

 

In Toy Story, if Buzz truly does not believe himself to be a toy and in fact a real space ranger, why would he freeze around humans like the other toys do?

In Taken, Liam Neeson’s daughter goes on holiday with a friend to France before getting abducted and being sold into the sex trade. Neeson then travels to Paris and kills about 50-people to get her back. But why isn’t the friend ever mentioned again? Does she not have any family that care about her? Sorry, Liam Neeson’s daughter’s friend.

In Planet of the Apes, the video history of the crashed Air Force ship makes it very clear that the planet is uninhabited when they landed. A race of apes develops because they had a bunch of them on board. The humans on the planet are descendants of the original crew. One question – where the hell did all the horses come from?

In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Hitler would have died if Indiana Jones wouldn’t have gotten involved. Think about it. Had the Nazis discovered the Ark it would have presumably been opened in Berlin and melted Hitler’s face off rather than some random Nazi soldier’s.

In Batman Begins water pipes burst, and sewer covers explode, all because of the Ra’s microwave emitter. But since the human body is composed of 75% water, shouldn’t everybody in the city have died when the device was triggered?

In The Hangover, Doug was on the roof for 2-days without anyone knowing. The fact is that in Vegas every square inch (with the exception of restrooms, guest rooms and employee locker rooms) in a casino is covered by surveillance cameras. There’s simply no way that Doug could have been on the roof for two days without someone seeing him and sending security to investigate.

In Ocean’s 11, where do the flyers come from that are in the bags that are carried out of the vault and into the van? Danny and Linus couldn’t have taken them down there and there is no room with the Chinese dude. They are carried out to the van before the SWAT team appears, which means they’d have to have been in the vault to start with. Huh?

In Back to the Future, things work out and Marty manages to ensure his mother ends up with his father and not him. So how come his parents, George and Lorraine, don’t remember Calvin Klein? The kid who brought them together and inspired George’s career as a sci-fi novelist, and who looks exactly like their son?

Also in Back to the Future, Biff had tried to sexually assault Lorraine in the past. However, in the future George hires him to work on his cars, forcing his wife to see him often. What the hell man?

In The Dark Knight Rises, Bruce Wayne is a world famous billionaire playboy bachelor. At the end we think he’s dead and gone but then Alfred sees him at a café in Paris. So what made him think that in today’s world where picture-sharing technology is rampant, he could disappear in plain sight without anyone recognizing him?

In Lord of the Rings, why didn’t Gandalf just ask his Eagle friends to fly Frodo to Mount Doom?

In Terminator 2: Judgement Day Arnold Schwarzenegger arrives on earth naked because “only living organisms can travel through the time machine or machines covered with living tissue.” But where does this leave the T-1000, who is made entirely from liquid metal and therefore has no tissue matter at all?

In Signs, at the end of the movie it’s revealed that the aliens are damaged by water, yet in the beginning of the movie they are running through a dew-covered cornfield at night. In addition, 71% of the Earth’s surface is water, the human body is up to 60% water and water regularly falls from the sky. This is the planet that an alien race capable of interstellar travel chose to invade?

In Independence Day, David has an idea on how to disarm the mothership. All he needs to do is boot up his Mac, write a wicked piece of code and infect the aliens’ computer network with it. But how is this virus going to be downloaded? How can a Mac be compatible with extra-terrestrial systems?

In The Martian, Watney claims that nothing sent on the mission will burn, which is why he has to destroy the crucifix which Martinez had in his personal items. Yet, Watney is often shown writing on paper in the Hab.

In ET one of the most iconic moments in the movie happens when ET and Elliott fly across the sky on a bicycle to evade capture. So at the beginning of the movie, with government agents in hot pursuit, why didn’t ET just fly away?

So, do you have explanations for these plot holes or has your gourd indeed been blown?

Let me know, man.

 

 

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So this hypothetical question has been rambling along the worldwide interweb the last couple of days, and I must say it begs for insight from my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied. Remember, my people were asked to replace any movie cast with The Muppets and keep one human character. I sent the question around our world headquarters via our group email, and what you’ll find below are some of the results. Oh boy. Let’s just say it took an ugly turn. Enjoy. Or perhaps not. My comments follow the choices.

Ancel Pinsky (Account and Finance) 

Titanic. Keep the Titanic.

Wait. What? Did Ancel understand the question? The Titanic isn’t a character. Good God. On the other hand, Kermit reciting the “I’m the king of the world!” line would be stellar.

Hank Moffit (Quality Control)

Jurassic Park. Keep Jeff Goldblum.

Not bad, Hank. Not bad at all. Dinosaurs eating Muppets has a certain fascination to it. I think. I mean, Camilla the Chicken might be tasty. And there’s Miss Piggy. I’ll stop now. Wait. Do you like frog legs?

Hoss Merkel (Security)

Avengers: Infinity War. Keep Scarlett Johanssen.

Damn it Hoss. Everyone knows about your fixation with Scarlet Johanssen. Hell, you don’t even try and hide it anymore.

Luigia Voltolini (Human Resource Management)

Halloween. Keep the dude who plays Michael Myers. 

Well, that took a dark turn. First velociraptors eating Muppets and now Michael Myers slicing and dicing them? Yikes. Prediction: The Swedish Chef would be the first to go, but not after a vicious knife fight.

Sim Hao Xiang (Legal)

Any Bruce Lee movie. Keep Bruce Lee.

What’s with all the violence regarding the damn Muppets, man?

Mia Lefluer (Graphic Editor)

Star Wars. Keep Darth Vader.

I like it. I think Beaker would make a great Hans Solo.

Molly Simpkins (Copy Editor)

The Shape of Water. Keep the Fish Man.

I don’t even know what’s happening with my staff anymore. The world is a complex, confusing place.

Bobby Limpett (Marketing)

Fight Club. Keep Edward Norton.

Again with the Muppet beatings. Sigh. On the other hand, Animal would be a tough out.

Ariella Levinsky (Fashion Editorial Assistant)

Predator. Keep The Predator.

WHAT THE HOLY HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Wait. Sam Eagle might just give The Predator a run for his money.

Fawn Collingwood (Personal Assistant to the CEO)

Forrest Gump. Keep Tom Hanks.

Violent? No. Weird as all hell? Yes. Yes it is. Thanks Fawn?

Parvez Abassi (Tech Services)

Taken. Keep Liam Neeson.

Aaaand we’re back to the murder and mayhem. I really need to reevaluate my hiring practices.

Arnold Poindexter (Runner)

Toy Story. Keep Slinky Dog.

What? Everyone’s a Muppet except Slinky Dog? Why Slinky Dog, Arnold? Why? I’m getting a headache.

Bernie Hogg (Content Strategist)

Any Rocky movie. Keep Sylvester Stallone.

Didn’t take long to get back to the ass whippings did it? Note: Word on the street is that Fozzie Bear can take a punch.

Merle Bodean Herbert (Interaction Designer)

Debbie Does Dallas. Keep Debbie.

Oh for the love of Sweet Baby Jesus. Tell me I didn’t just read that.

Bradley Davenport (Intern)

Deliverance. Keep Ned Beatty.

WHAT THE . . . listen, if you haven’t seen Deliverance don’t watch it after reading this. If you have, please accept my deepest apologies.

I’m out of here.

PS- I’m so sorry.

PPS- I had a Miss Piggy joke to work in on that last one but I just couldn’t pull the trigger.

 

 

 

There’s just so much to love about this video. The midget, the Santa referee, the girl elf, Culkin with rabbit ears, the crowd chanting “Home Alone!”, and finally Culkin pulling out his old marble and bucket movie tricks to win the match. Too good, man. And hey, not to mention the fact that Macaulay Culkin took part in a wrestling match in a conference room somewhere. Just internet gold. Hell, I was waiting for Joe Pesci to enter the fray.

PS- Why Culkin didn’t scream, “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!” before clubbing that dude with the bucket is beyond my comprehension.

PPS- I’m 99% sure that midget pointed at Macaulay Culkin and yelled, “Come on you f**cker!” Doesn’t get much better than that.

You guys know how all these wild conspiracy theories interest me. JFK, the supposed death of Paul McCartney, hell, I even posted about cartoons and the movie Back to the Future predicting 9/11. And have I mentioned that Stevie Wonder may not be blind? Anywho, this stuff make compelling reading even if you’re 99% certain it isn’t true.

Still, there’s that 1%. That’s what makes it all fascinating.

Anyway, what you’re about to read and see may be the wildest, most outlandish theory of all – Elvis Presley was an extra in Home Alone.

Because of course he was.

There is a scene midway through the film, where Catherine O’Hara’s character is bartering with an airline employee over a ticket counter in a Scranton Airport. A bearded man in a sports coat and turtleneck hovers over her left shoulder, occasionally expressing his impatience with his body language. This man, many believe, is played by none other than The King himself. Let’s take a gander . . .

Huh. Well, Elvis grew a beard for the movie Charro back in the 60’s. Let us compare:

Damn, that is a close resemblance. But oh, there’s more.

Well, now I’m all shook up. Say no more. I’m convinced. I know suspicious minds won’t concur, but Elvis was in the movie Home Alone 13-years after his alleged “death.” Come on Elvis. Don’t be cruel. It’s now or never. It’s time for your big comeback.

Have a blue Christmas everybody!

PS- If you know that actor’s name please don’t tell me. Let me keep on believin’.

 

When I first witnessed this scene in a theater I may or may not have shrieked like a 7-year old girl. Something about a little girl crawling down the steps upside down and backwards that chilled me to the core. This sort of thing is a million times scarier than pure blood and guts. Simply terrifying to me.

Today’s scary scene comes from the 1978 remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. In the film, aliens had slowly taken over the bodies of humans and Nancy and Matthew are the only people left. She spots Matthew, who had wiped out almost all of the aliens, in a park. This was the final scene of the movie, and it was a stunner.

Our third entry comes from the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead, and it happens to be the opening scene. Just a wild beginning to the movie, as it shows the start of the Zombie Apocalypse in a horrifyingly chilling way. After all, what’s worse than waking up to find your little daughter has joined the walking dead?

PS- My favorite scene in this movie is when the group hiding in the mall are joined by a guy who’s been outside amongst the zombies. Somebody asks, “Are they dead?” And he replies, “Uh, dead-ish.”

Quite simply one of the most chilling, life-altering scenes of all-time. Anyone who has viewed it cannot be in an empty hotel hallway without thinking about the scene when Little Danny peddled his three-wheeler around the hotel. It’s not just the smooth, ominous low-to-the-floor shots that track behind Danny, giving you the sense that someone is right behind him. It’s the silence: Hearing the wheels go from carpeting to floor to carpeting to floor, you feel the enormous emptiness of the hotel-which then sets you up perfectly for when he turns that one corner and there they are: Those spooky Grady girls. Chills, man.

Since All Hallows’ Eve is approaching, my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied has put together a list of the scariest, most bone-chilling scenes in cinematic history. Today’s entry is a suggestion from Zhang Wei, our ace down in accounting. Enjoy . . .

Source – Liam Neeson left many of his fans disappointed after saying he’s done making thrillers. Neeson said in a new interview that he plans to stop even though it’s hard to turn down the lucrative offers he gets thanks to his box-office success in the three “Taken” films, as well as other thrillers. Neeson believes he’s simply getting too old to be an action hero.

“The thrillers, that was all a pure accident,” said Neeson. “They’re still throwing serious money at me to do that stuff. I’m like, ‘Guys I’m sixty-f–king-five.’ Audiences are eventually going to go, ‘Come on.’” Neeson still has two upcoming revenge thrillers he’s already shot, “Hard Powder,” in which he plays a snowplow driver who faces off with drug dealers, and “The Commuter,” with director Jaume Collet-Serra. But, Neeson said, those will be his last.

Well, if that’s not the worst damn news I’ve heard in years. How the hell can we live without Liam freakin’ Neeson doing action revenge films, man? In this genre Neeson makes Vin Diesel look like a 4th grade punk who gets his lunch money stolen daily. Hell, that description of his upcoming movie alone got me all worked up with anticipation. Liam Neeson as a snowplow driver who faces off with drug dealers? Sold man. Sold to the max. Nobody wants to see you playing some grandpa, Liam, so say it ain’t so man.

 

Jeff Daniels was paid $50,000 to act in Dumb and Dumber. His co-star Jim Carrey was paid $7,000,000.

Jon Heder was paid $1,000 to play Napoleon Dynamite, and the movie cost just $400,000 to make. The movie grossed over $40,000,000 in the United States alone. There was no sequel.

Good God almighty.

Classic.

Dolls, death and little kids. Chilling, man.

The Lebowski-inspired Church of the Latter-Day Dude says it has ordained over 400,000 Dudeist priests. On a related note, I have found my calling. Here’s the actual link: The Church of the Latter-Day Dude. I’m all in, bro. After all, the Dude abides.

So I read somewhere the other day that Seinfeld’s last episode aired 19-years ago and I was sort of shocked. Anyway, it got me to thinking, which often leads to something like you’re about to read. What follows are 10 things that will turn 30-years old in 2017, and some are pretty surprising. Read on . . .

Full House

Yep, the TV show with the obnoxious, mouthy little girl began 30-years ago. I blame Michelle for all the little disrespectful punks that have come since. Damn you Michelle Tanner. Damn you to hell.

The Princess Bride

If you don’t recognize the line, “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die”, well then, you need to rent this movie poste haste because you’re living a life unfulfilled. Anyway, 30-years old.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Yessir, Donatello, Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Raphael kicked off with their cartoon back in ’87. Since then we’ve seen toys, TV shows. movies, and a ton of other stuff.

Disposable Contact Lenses

Yes kids, there was one a day when people had to carefully take out there contact lenses, put them in a little container, and repeat the exercise every night. Barbaric, I know.

Panera Bread

If you’ve never had their Pasta Primavera with Shrimp you’re a dirty rotten communist. Again, seems like yesterday.

Red Bull

Yep, some dude from Austria mixed some caffeine, sugar, taurine, niacin, jackal urine and some other stuff and came up with Red Bull. Fun Fact: According to the exhaustive research done by my crack staff, the energy drink biz exploded in 2005. I have no idea why. Anywho, I’m a Rock Star guy myself.

The Simpsons

Yep, it all started on the Tracey Ullman Show. Memba her? Bart and his family were featured in short cartoons during that show.

Dirty Dancing

Nobody puts Baby in a corner, man. The Swayze at the peak of his powers.

Congressional Ban On Inflight Smoking

Hard to believe it now but there once was a time when people smoked everywhere – in airplanes, on TV, in restaurants, bars, even hospitals. Crazy times fo sho.

“The Drive”

Sorry, Cleveland fans, but this Fall is the anniversary of John Elway’s drive to beat you in the playoffs. Good thing all those Super Bowl wins have made up for it since then though.

Bonus:

A Bunch of Famous People

Yep. Ronda Rousey, Kesha, Lil Bow Wow (was he the first of the “Lils”?), Kendrick Lamar, Blake Lively, Wiz Khalifa, and Zac Efron were all born in ’87. Man, that was a shitty year for celebrity birthdays, wasn’t it? Good Lord.

Where was I, you ask? Teaching Reading, and a few other things, to Greenfield McClain to bunch of unsuspecting Junior High kids.

Howzabout you?

Because it is weird as hell. And also amazing.

Well, it was an Alfred Hitchcock movie, so I guess the weirdness is to be expected. Released in 1948, it’s about two men who decide that they’re intellectually superior human beings, so they strangle a friend of theirs, put him in a trunk in their apartment, and proceed to have a dinner party with the food served from the top of the very trunk containing their buddy’s dead body.

Good times, huh?

It shouldn’t be a surprise that I like this movie, because it is said Hitch got the idea from the famous Leopold and Loeb murder back in 1923 from which the book “For the Thrill of It” was written.* Yes, I happened to love that book. Loved the movie “Compulsion” too, and it was based on the same murder. Nathan Leopold and Richard Loeb were two college students from Chicago who killed a 14-year old kid just because they thought they were superior intellects and could get away with it. They believed they could commit the “perfect murder” if you will, but hey, who hasn’t?

*As I was doing research for thes article, I found there was actually a play called “Rope” that was performed in 1929.

The film is notable for taking place in real time and being edited so as to appear as a single continuous shot through the use of long takes. Trust me, watch it and that will all make sense.

It stars Jimmy Stewart, Farley Granger and others, and it is dark and twisted. Here’s the plot as described in AllMovie.com:

Two brilliant young aesthetes, Brandon Shaw and Phillip Morgan, strangle to death their former classmate from Harvard University, David Kentley, in their apartment. They commit the crime as an intellectual exercise; they want to prove their superiority by committing the “perfect murder”.

After hiding the body in a large antique wooden chest, Brandon and Phillip host a dinner party at the apartment, which has a panoramic view of Manhattan’s skyline. The guests, who are unaware of what has happened, include the victim’s father Mr. Kentley and aunt Mrs. Atwater; his mother is not able to attend due to a cold. Also there are his fiancée, Janet Walker and her former lover Kenneth Lawrence, who was once David’s close friend.

Brandon uses the chest containing the body as a buffet table for the food, just before their housekeeper, Mrs. Wilson arrives to help with the party. “Now the fun begins,” Brandon says when the first guests arrive . . .

You’ll have to watch the movie to see what happens next, but trust me when I say it’s intense, gripping, and heart-stopping.

Man, this movie is right up my alley and I can’t believe it’s been out for 69-years and I’ve just discovered it.

Better late than never I guess? Anyway, watch this movie. For a taste, here’s the original trailer:

 

 

So I tried to watch the Oscars Sunday night and lasted about seven and a half minutes. Why? Because although I love movies I hate pompous, self-important actors who have a complete lack of self-awareness. Good Lord, they pretend to be somebody else and get paid for it. Hey, I’ve pretended to be someone else through several relationships, didn’t get paid for it, and actually lost money. That’s not fair, is it?

Anyway, I’m sick of hearing melodramatic actors talk about how important they are, then shower adulation on each other like they’re all Mother Teresa or something. The video below is a great example of what I’m talking about. It’s somebody named Viola Davis giving her acceptance speech and it’s nauseating. The lowlight was when she actually uttered this line:

“We are the only profession that celebrates what it means to live a life.”

Boom! Guess all you firefighters, pediatric surgeons, pastors, obstetricians and EMTs don’t know anything about celebrating what it means to live a life. What a bunch of underachieving, meaningless life living losers you are. Actors, man.

Anyhoo, check it out. She blathered on longer but you’ll get the gist. Oh, and I love it when she’s going on about Denzel Washington and he looks at her like, “Nah, we don’t really work for a living. Chillax.”

So, in a nutshell that’s why I can’t watch. She’s acting like pretending to be somebody else in a movie is the only important profession on earth. It is not. Good God.

viola

The mask used by Michael Myers in the original “Halloween” movie was actually a Captain Kirk from Star Trek mask painted white, due to low budget.

 

shatner

Jimmy Chitwood, the hero of the film Hoosiers, has only four lines in the entire movie.

 

chitwood

In 1977, 20th Century Fox had so little faith in the “Star Wars” franchise that they gave away all of the movie licensing and merchandising rights to George Lucas in exchange for his $500,000 directorial fee. In 2014, the overall value of the franchise was estimated at $37-billion.

 

lucas

Awesome.

kong-skull-island-poster1

Once again, pure comedy.

jigsaw2

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Pure comedy.

jigsaw