Archive for October, 2017

There’s really nothing more for me to add.

Listen, I don’t like the way Bill Belichick treats reporters any more than the next guy, but this casually dumb dipstick brought the Belichickian Hell down on himself. First of all, he was sitting there all chillaxed-like and trying WAY to hard to be cool. Secondly, the question was just dumb. Check out the video, with another observation below it.

Some people online were saying this reporter reminded them of Ellis from “Die Hard.” I tend to agree.

Word for word.

When I first witnessed this scene in a theater I may or may not have shrieked like a 7-year old girl. Something about a little girl crawling down the steps upside down and backwards that chilled me to the core. This sort of thing is a million times scarier than pure blood and guts. Simply terrifying to me.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great pride that I announce this . . . From Elyria, Ohio, here’s your 500th ASSHAT OF THE DAY! Milestone city! My Asshat Patrol’s tireless efforts have made a difference, as parkers all over the world are thinking twice before parking like an asshat! My tenacious patrol will continue to take the fight to enemy in parking lots, public streets and anywhere people park their vehicles.

Thanks to Asshat Patrol member Bob Sims for busting this historic asshat!

Source – A Montreal man who got a $149 ticket for belting out a song in his car says he’s shocked and upset. Taoufik Moalla, 38, says Montreal police have no business punishing him for doing nothing more than singing along to one of his favorite songs in his own car.

Moalla, a father of two, was a few miles from his St-Laurent home on September 27th when he saw a police car pull up behind him on St. Croix Avenue. He was driving to the grocery story to buy water and had popped a 1990s dance track — C+C Music Factory’s “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)” — into his CD player. “They asked me if I was screaming. I said, ‘No, I was singing,’ ” Moalla said. “I was singing the refrain ‘Everybody Dance Now,’ but it wasn’t loud enough to disturb anyone.”

A few minutes later, Moalla said the police gave him back his driver’s license, car registration, plus a $149 ticket for “screaming in a public place.”

Listen, I’m with 100% behind Taoufik Moallaon on this one. If you can’t sing “Everybody Dance Now” whilst driving your car you’re in a country that’s going straight to hell. Just today I was singing “The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats loudly and proudly at the intersection of Bridge and Main in southern Ohio with the sunroof open and windows down and I wasn’t stopped by the po-po.

Come on Canada. What kind of totalitarian state are you running up there? Shame on you, America’s hat. Shame on you indeed.

The Assassin Bug (Acanthaspis Petax) preys on ants. This crazy mofo uses carcasses of its prey to disguise itself from spiders, which is just diabolical and mortifying at the same time. He lives in East Africa near Lake Victoria in countries including Uganda, Kenya, and Tanzania, and is about 1 centimeter in length. Anywho, Assassin Bug.

Today’s scary scene comes from the 1978 remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers. In the film, aliens had slowly taken over the bodies of humans and Nancy and Matthew are the only people left. She spots Matthew, who had wiped out almost all of the aliens, in a park. This was the final scene of the movie, and it was a stunner.

Listen, I’ve always been against the sale of AK-47s and whatnot. Now? I totally get it. Hey, you forget my chicken wings and I’m going to shoot you the hell up, man. Especially at Pirtle’s Chicken. At least we know those assault-style weapons are being sold to upstanding, law-abiding citizens. I get it!

Our third entry comes from the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead, and it happens to be the opening scene. Just a wild beginning to the movie, as it shows the start of the Zombie Apocalypse in a horrifyingly chilling way. After all, what’s worse than waking up to find your little daughter has joined the walking dead?

PS- My favorite scene in this movie is when the group hiding in the mall are joined by a guy who’s been outside amongst the zombies. Somebody asks, “Are they dead?” And he replies, “Uh, dead-ish.”

Remember when I posted the photo of these guys a couple weeks ago and how I’d have loved to have been with them? Well, this video tops that photo. As Clinton is giving a serious speech about global unity or something, watch W lean over and whisper something to Barry, who then holds back laughter as W looks at him mischievously. Listen, I hated Bush as president but damn he looks great to me now. You know, considering. Anyway, what are the odds it’s a Clinton joke? I mean, I love Bill but God knows there’s a lot of material there. Bottom line, I’d take any of these three in a heartbeat over the 12-year old tweeter we have now. But damn, I don’t want to know what W says here. I need to know.

PS- Now that I watch it again I’m pretty sure W told a really juvenile joke about some woman in the front row or something.

PPS- Never thought I’d say this but I think I’d really like to hang out with George W. Bush.

Haven’t these people seen Children of the Corn?

The Post: A 3-year-old boy was found wandering alone through a 10-acre corn maze in northern Utah after his family left him behind, not realizing the small child was missing until the next morning, police say.

The distraught preschooler was discovered by a good Samaritan on Monday night near the entrance of the Crazy Corn Maze in West Jordan, near Salt Lake City.

“He was crying and upset and obviously scared,” Kendall Schmidt, co-owner of the corn maze, told The Washington Post in a phone interview Wednesday. “We were trying to calm him down.”

He was handed over to the Utah Division of Child and Family Services for the night. It wasn’t until Tuesday morning that his mother noticed he was missing, police said.

Number one, 10-acres is one big-ass Corn Maze. Number two, if you run a Corn Maze shouldn’t you, you know, run a sweep of the damn thing before you close to make sure there are no people left in there? That’s Corn Maze 101, man. The whole idea of a Corn Maze is for people to get lost in it. Number three, anyone who believes these parents are idiots. They clearly left the kid and made a run for it. Nobody leaves a Corn Maze, goes home and goes to bed without realizing their 3-year old isn’t around. “Hey, anyone seen little Ernie? Breakfast is ready.” That’s insane.

Update: The kid is now in the custody of Children’s Services, thank God. Let somebody have him that doesn’t lose their kid like you lose your car keys.

I question the accuracy of this map.

He scoffs at your attempts to restrain him.

“Nice try, suckahs!”

Quite simply one of the most chilling, life-altering scenes of all-time. Anyone who has viewed it cannot be in an empty hotel hallway without thinking about the scene when Little Danny peddled his three-wheeler around the hotel. It’s not just the smooth, ominous low-to-the-floor shots that track behind Danny, giving you the sense that someone is right behind him. It’s the silence: Hearing the wheels go from carpeting to floor to carpeting to floor, you feel the enormous emptiness of the hotel-which then sets you up perfectly for when he turns that one corner and there they are: Those spooky Grady girls. Chills, man.

Since All Hallows’ Eve is approaching, my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied has put together a list of the scariest, most bone-chilling scenes in cinematic history. Today’s entry is a suggestion from Zhang Wei, our ace down in accounting. Enjoy . . .

The other day on Pardon the Interruption sports talking head/jock sniffer/name dropper Michael Wilbon said that NFL teams are “like plantations.” Wilbon, who used to have some credibility but lost it when he started sucking up to professional athletes like Charles Barkley, Magic Johnson and others, now mostly defends athletes and brags about having dinner with them.

Anyway, he was trying to point out that owners don’t have the right to tell players what to say and how to feel just because they’re employed by them. While that’s partly true, the plantation comparison was terribly misguided.

Wilbon, let me give you a short history lesson, for they apparently didn’t teach it to you at Northwestern. See, plantations were places that were usually inhabited by slaves and the owners who held them against their will back in the not-so-good old days. Slaves were kidnapped, beaten and forced to work without pay. On the other hand, NFL teams are businesses with employees who are compensated quite handsomely to play a game once a week, and are free to work in the NFL or not work in the NFL as they please.

To conclude, NFL teams are in no way similar to a plantation.

Thank you. That is all.

As many of you know I’ve had an incredible streak of luck at rock shows and with rock stars over the course of my lifetime. I’ve run into Todd Rundgren in a mall, Mark Oliver Everett on the street, and David Crosby in a hotel elevator, among others. I also saw Eminem in the Detroit airport once, and were it not for two behemoth bodyguards I’d have had a nice, civil chat with him. I’ve also bumbled my way into being Beck’s bodyguard, and Jeff Lynne once asked me to get him some tarts (I swear I thought he meant pop tarts – true story) backstage at an ELO rock show. At many a concert I’ve simply walked by security to get to the front of the stage, usually by just acting like I belonged there. Hey, you can’t argue with my success rate.

Note: I wrote about all this in a blog titled Lines and How I’ve Avoided Them: A Retrospective. Read it, and keep a pen or pencil handy to take notes. I also wrote about my rock encounters in an award winning retrospective titled Random Rock Encounters, a must-read if one ever existed.

Which brings us to last night.

Although I knew the Foo Fighters were coming to Cincinnati, for whatever reason I didn’t pull the trigger on getting tickets. Then, at about 2:00pm on the day of the show I got online and scored a ticket, albeit behind the stage. Hey, I wasn’t worried, I thought just getting into the arena would be enough. I’d figure the rest out when I got there.

Upon arrival I went down to my seat, and sure enough I was smack dab behind the stage with a backdrop blocking everything in front of me. Seriously, the fact that they sell tickets for those seats is an absolute sham and a rip-off of the highest order.

For most, that is. Not me of course.

As I stood there planning my next course of action, an usher walked up to me and asked if I needed help. It was then I just shrugged my shoulders, pointed to the humongous backdrop in front of me and asked, “I can’t see a thing from here. Is there anything you can do for me?”

Turns out there was. She looked around nervously, reached inside her jacket, pulled out a wristband, and put it around my wrist. Incredulous but not really, I asked her where it would get me.

Her response? She pointed down to the floor in front of the stage.

Boom. Floor pass baby. Seriously, within 30-seconds of showing her my ticket I’d gone from the worst seat in the house to, arguably, the best.

All I could do was give her a hug, tell her “Bless your heart” and head on down to be with my people in front of the stage, where I most certainly belonged.

The next 4-hours were rock and roll bliss, from the opening act The Struts to the freakin’ Foo Fighters, who gave one of the top five concert performances these eyes have seen and these ears have heard. Dave Grohl? National Treasure, man.

And I got to see it all up close.

But how did I get there? I really have no damn idea.

Singing for his daughter. Cute. Also amazing.

A nurse fleeing California’s raging wildfires said “neigh” to leaving her pony behind. Lauren Mesaros decided to drive away from the Tubbs Fire flames Monday with her pony, Stardust, in the backseat, after realizing the trailer she had could only fit two of her three horses, SF Gate reported.

“He actually walked right into the car like a dog would,” Mesaros said.
The quick-acting woman lured her steed in the back of her 2001 Honda Accord. Her sister-in-law posted a Facebook photo of the pony filling up the backseat, his snout fogging up the window, with the caption: “When Lauren has to evacuate her pony from Santa Rosa but no transport is available—you do what you have to do.”

Hell yes you do what you have to do, and what Lauren Mesaros had to do was get Stardust out of harms way as soon as possible. Honestly, look at that face –  no way you could leave that pony behind. And Stardust hopped right into the backseat. He knew what was up. Anyway, kudos Lauren Mesaros. Kudos indeed.