On Hating And Holding Grudges

I’ve been reading up a lot lately on why people can be so negative and hateful. You know, those people who simply cannot quit holding a grudge. We all know people like this, folks who spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about how they hate you when you rarely give them a second thought. Sometimes this hatred can last years, even if it all began with a relatively minor disagreement. Most people get past it pretty quickly and move on with their lives, others not so much. They cling to that hatred for reasons unknown.

You know the type.

What I’ve learned through reading and research is that people who are attacking you are almost always suffering themselves in some way. They’re unhappy. It’s called Displaced Aggression when they come after you. They’re miserable and feel like they need to bring others down as a misplaced way to feel better about themselves.

I also read how about how holding a grudge can do tremendous damage to your health. The alternative is healthy anger, which demands reflection. It requires that we take time and exert the effort to empower the rational mind to override the emotional mind. Healthy anger typically fades over time with appropriate resolutions, such as talking it out and resolving the misunderstanding, reaching acceptance, or simply ending the relationship. Either way you can move past the problem and get on with your life. In contrast, holding a grudge entails the opposite—not letting go or accepting a resolution of any kind, and with that comes negative health issues.

Basically, healthy anger calls on us to embrace a major aspect of our humanity – our capacities to reason and problem solve. Pretty powerful stuff when you really think about it.

I’ve spoken about this before, but part of the problem is the attitude that some people justify their behavior by saying, “That’s just who I am” or “I have no filter, I’m gonna say what I’m thinking.” Man, that line of thought has never made sense to me. To me it’s a sign of immaturity. As an adult it’s your responsibilty to try and be a better person. Making ourselves better is an ongoing process and continues as long as you live. Believing that people will just have to deal with you the way you are is an incredibly immature attitude.

Like I said, when people are struggling, whether it’s problems at work, low self-esteem, conflicts in their marriage or relationships, it feels much better to funnel their negative energy into blaming someone else than to confront their own role in their own problems. Because of this they lash out. There’s a great song by Rick Brantley called Hurt People and it describes exactly what I’m talking about. Here are a few of the lyrics:

Tommy Walker was a small town don
The scourge of every kid from three or four blocks
He had messed up teeth, he was ugly at best
Just as crazy as a rabid dog on meth.

Well he broke my jaw once, said I looked at him funny
Cracked three of my ribs just for my lunch money
And I remember thinking boy, one of these days
That cold hearted son of a bitch is gonna pay
So one day I had enough, finally had to face him
I screwed up my courage and pedalled over to his place
He was sitting on the porch with his arm in a sling
And a welt on his face the shape of his daddy’s high school ring

And then it hit me

Hurt people hurt people.

I’ve had disagreements with people and I’ve had people try and do me harm, but I’m well past the point of holding grudges. It’s simply not worth my time. As I mentioned earlier, those types of negative feelings eat you up inside. I’ve learned to just let things go. And knowing there are reasons behind people’s negative reaction towards me helps me to understand and not go on the attack, to just take a deep breath, step back and stay above the fray. That’s almost always the best response. Have I always been successful doing that? Nope, and I have no problem defending myself if the situation require sit. But, the older I get the better I am at dealing with negative people and I know I’m a better person for it. So, if someone is out there hating you just understand there are reasons for it that may have absolutely nothing to do with you, smile, and go about your life.

Because you’re better than that.

PS- I had a good friend tell me the other day that I illicit strong emotions from people, that people either love me unconditionally and are extrememly loyal to me or they dislike me intensely. Why? I have no idea. However, I am fully aware of my inadequacies and I freely take my share of the blame in any conflicts I’ve had with people over the years. But like I said, personal improvement never stops, right?