Want to steal a lunch? Tread lightly.

I didn’t know about the cancer thing. Promise.

So I read this on Reddit and thought it was worth a mention. Read on, with my comments to follow . .

So I’m a bit of a chilli head. Love my hot sauces. I also love to cook. I also cook my wife a delicious lunch each day, She kept complaining that someone was stealing her lunch every couple of days out of the fridge at work. So I made her some buffalo wings for lunch to put in the fridge, They are really popular with her colleagues But I spiced them up just a little with some Blair’s 4am Reserve, which is the hottest legal sauce known to man. (I note you are meant to dilute it with 1 drop per 5 litres of liquid). So I added a couple of drops of Blairs 4am Reserve per wing with nice dusting of Ghost chilli powder for good measure. I did eat a couple to make sure it didn’t kill anybody, they were real hot. Even cream doesn’t cut the heat: and Ghost chillies keep getting hotter for about 5 minutes. Needless to say just before lunch, there was a shrill from the kitchen, a young male colleague decided to help himself the my wife’s lunch which was clearly marked with her name. He ran to the toilet and vomited over and over. Apparently the moans sounded like he was dying. My wife just sat there innocently pretending nothing was wrong. Needless to say she has not lost a single lunch since.

Listen, I love this move. You know why? Because there is nothing worse than a lunch thief. Nothing. When I was in high school a guy was stealing my lunch so I got some formaldehyde from the chemistry room, poured it on my ham sandwich, put it in my lunch sack, and waited for the hilarity to ensue. Boom. Roasted. Trust me, the guy never stole my lunch again. Oh, there may or may not have been a trip to the hospital involved as well, but that’s neither here nor there. The bigger point is everyone’s lunch was safe because of yours truly. You’re welcome, fellow students. You’re welcome.

Note: The statute of limitations has passed, right? Right?