Archive for June, 2013

Nice work.

Happy Sunday.

Nightmarish.

This? Probably not a good idea either.

So let’s review this whole Aaron Hernandez murder deal and how bad he was at it. Let’s list his screw-ups:

  • He killed the dude (allegedly) in his driveway and dumped the body a mile from his house.
  • He picked up the murder victim in a rental car he rented in his name.
  • He returned said rental car with a spent shell casing under the seat that matched the one from the murder weapon.
  • He walked back into his house with the gun  after the murder and waved it around in front of his own surveillance cameras.
  • He tried to destroy said surveillance cameras, along with his cell phone, but did such a poor job of it the cops are still using it against him.
  • He left a wad of used gum in the car that he’d been seen buying in a convenience store on their surveillance tape. Can you say DNA, you moron?

See what I did there? I used bullet points. Hey-O!

Bottom line, not a well thought-out plan.

In addition, I’ve never committed a murder but when if I do I’m taking the body at least 100-miles away and throwing it in a river or lake or something. That’s Murder 101 right there. Hey, I watch Criminal Minds.

Anywho, Aaron Hernandez? Worst murderer ever.

Does that make me a bad person?

Rogue Cart!

Posted: June 25, 2013 in Interesting Videos, WTF?
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What was that thing loaded down with, bricks?

Thank God. I missed you Twinkies.

1

Oops.

Posted: June 23, 2013 in Bloopers, Fails, Humor, TV
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The look on the face of the reporter when they go back to the studio is priceless.

No you didn’t. Because he’s a turtle. He was probably hoping you would just leave him alone. He’s not going to call you. He won’t be there when you return.

God, I hate this commercial.

In fact, I think it encapsulates why our country is going straight to hell. I desperately hope the next commercial includes this girl meeting her new friend, the Portuguese Man-of-War.

And here’s proof. That, my friends, is a doghouse in Aaron Hernandez’s backyard. He is a tight end for the New England Patriots. Aaron, not the dog. Anyway, Hernandez is currently being investigated regarding a murder and the cops are seen here searching the doghouse in his backyard. That’s a grown man standing in front of it. Again, that’s a doghouse. Behind his house. For his dog.

Note: If Sparky see this I’m in deep shit.

Can’t wait.

Posted: June 20, 2013 in Humor, Movies
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Yep. Anchorman 2.

He really, REALLY did. I’ll go to my grave believing that. Because today I may have found out SparkySmilewhy Sparky and I ended up together.

Now, those of you that read my stuff regularly know that I don’t go for the “everything happens for a reason” stuff. I’ve always thought people said that to help them deal with things they can’t comprehend or understand, and that by believing that there’s some Master Plan behind terrible events in their lives it helps them to cope.

Today I second guessed that line of thinking.

It happened on Bridge Street. I was stopped at the intersection in front of Roosters, heading north. On my right was the off-ramp from Route 35. Spark was on the seat beside me, sleeping.

Or so I thought.

When the light turned green, I started pulling out. At that point Sparky started yowling, just screeching and bellowing like I’d never heard before. I naturally looked at him to see what was wrong, and he was looking quickly back-and-forth between me and out the window.

It was then that I saw it.

An 18-wheeler carrying automobiles had come flying down the off-ramp, shot right through the red light and barreled through the intersection not 5-feet from my front fender. It shot by me and, as I watched, crossed the intersection and on to what I assume was the auto dealership behind Roosters.

For a second I froze, then felt my knees become weak and start shaking. As I drove on I felt a lick on my elbow. I then had a moment of total clarity as I looked at my best friend, who was staring up at me.

That’s why you came to me.

I know, maybe I’m crazy. But I do know for certain that he saw that truck coming.

And he warned me.

Otherwise I’m 99% sure I wouldn’t be typing this right now.

I always knew that Spark came along at just the right time in my life, precisely when I needed a little unconditional love, a true friend, somebody who would accept me and love me in spite of my many faults. Yep, he’d already saved me in a lot of ways.

But today? He literally saved my life.

True fans.

If you’re not laughing within the first 10-seconds you have no soul.

Ahoy!

Trust me on this one.

I defy anyone to explain this to me.

Aye Ayes are cute, simultaneously horrifying.

Raccoon Dogs are cool.

New York (CNN) — Two life coaches who hosted a radio show called “The Pursuit of Happiness” apparently committed suicide together in their Brooklyn apartment, police said.

Motivational speaker John Littig, 48, and his common-law psychotherapist wife, Lynne Rosen, 46, were found with plastic bags over their heads and a tube attached to a canister of helium, according to police.

Two suicide notes were found, police said.

The manager of the building, Hasan Boztepe, 51, said he smelled a strong odor coming from the apartment and broke down the door Monday morning after no one answered his repeated knocks.

He found the bodies sitting on a couch, holding hands. The canister with an open valve was on Rosen’s right, he said.

Boztepe said he also found two suicide notes, one apparently written by a man and one by a woman.

“I was shocked. I am still in shock. I feel so bad for these people,” Boztepe said.

He said he knew the couple and stopped by the apartment last week to fix something for Littig. “He walked me to the door and said ‘thank you very much.’ He was a very nice guy — and a couple of days later, this.”

The couple’s radio show, “The Pursuit of Happiness,” on WBAI-99.5 FM focused on “personal development, growth and creativity” according to their website. It was an hourlong show airing every other Thursday afternoon.

“RIP Lynne Rosen + John Littig. Partners on air and in life,” the station posted Thursday on Facebook and Twitter.

The couple also led a life coaching consulting company, Why Not Now, offering coaching “designed to help foster and encourage your inner strengths,” and “put you confidently on the path to designing the life you’ve always wanted to live,” according to their website.

“You should try to do something that scares you every day,” Littig said on a show in February.

“People really need to try to implement that into their lives,” Rosen later added. “Even if it is small things and it feels scary; but it’s a small step and it moves you forward toward your real self.”

Listen, I don’t want to make light of suicide but these two have to be the worst Life Coaches of all-time, right? I mean, your credibility sorta takes a hit when you kill yourself doesn’t it? How much could you really know about life when you put a plastic bag over your head and pump helium into it?

And who would want coached by this couple? Not me.

A classic.

Note: This is one of several “Best of Shoe: Untied” retreads I post from time-to-time. Basically I’m going to rerun some of my most popular articles according to comments and pageviews. If you’ve already read them, just move along, nothing to see here. However, if you’re one of my many new readers and haven’t seen some of my earlier stuff, this might be for you. What follows are some of my thoughts regarding our national obsession with what people say and how they say it. It has special significance in relation to Gordon Gee’s recent comments and the trouble they caused him.

So Dane Cook is in some hot water for some joke he made the other night regarding the Colorado shootings. Let me get one thing straight. I’m not a huge Dane Cook fan. I have nothing against the guy, I just find him, well, unfunny, not very creative and exceptionally sort of stupid. That said, the uproar over his comments during his schtick are way over the top in my opinion. After all it was only a joke, nothing more. Just words. Here’s what he said:

“Man, that thing in Colorado was terrible. But you know the new Batman movie sucks, right? I can picture somebody sittting in the 10th row, about 25-minutes into the movie, saying something like, ‘This movie is bad. Somebody shoot me.’ And then . . .”

Hardy-har-har. Sort of amusing but not really. My issue with the joke is not with the content but with the fact that it’s just not that funny. Hey, my friends will tell you I’ve told jokes about 9/11, Dale Earnhardt and almost anything else that might be deemed inappropropriate by normal folks. To me funny is funny,  and my ability to laugh about 9/11 has absolutely zero correlation with my sympathy for the victims and for what happened that day.

They’re only words, folks.

I used to get very upset when people would make an inapproriate comment or a racist joke. And although I still feel a racist joke is ignorant and offensive, I usually don’t say anything anymore. You can’t fight every dumbass in the world, so I just walk away. They’re just words. Actions, on the other hand, can really hurt.

Maybe the Hip-Hop culture has, in a way, contributed to the lessening of the impact when you hear the word with such regularity. So, maybe when I hear it now it’s not so much of a shock. Still, I still hate that damn word. When Jay-Z, Snoop, or anyone else uses it I just cringe. So many negatives over history attached to it.

Ultimately though? Just a word.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the power of words. I understand they can be hurtful. A woman recently told the parent of one of my students that her kid would never learn a thing in my class. Even though I knew it was bullshit it hurt to think someone would think that about something I love to do so much. Words can sting. It’s just that I think as a country we’ve become way too thin-skinned.  I started teaching in the classroom for the first time in 15-years this past year, and at some point (oh, it may have been the first day) I said:

“Alright! Everybody shut up!”

Audible gasps from the students. One of them said, “Mr. Shoe, we’re not supposed to say those words.” There may have even been a tear in his eye.

And to that I responded: “Bleh.”

Appparently these words, over the past few years, have become off-limits in the classroom. Apparently damages self-esteem or something. Listen, if a teacher telling you to shut up destroys your fragile emotional state that badly you’re in for a tumultuous, stressful life.

They’re only words. Here’s some advice. Relax and learn to deal with it, the sooner the better.

And how about the sports teams with the Indian names. Really? Is it really that offensive to American Indians for a team to be called the Redskins? The Seminoles? Is the Chief Wahoo logo really really that upsetting to people? It’s a smiling cartoon head for God’s sake.

Speaking of team names, it seems we’re sort of selective, aren’t we? I mean, I consider myself a good American patriot, but hey New England Patriots, I ain’t mad at ya.

Howza ’bout the Philadelphia 76ers? Ya think my man George Washington woud be “offended” because a basketball team was named after him and his posse? I think not. He’d probably respond with a quizzical look and say:

“What’s basketball?” Then he’d go kick some Hessian ass and change the course of history.

The point is they’re just names. Words. They can’t hurt you. Mom was right. Sticks and stones and all that.

One final thought on words. I’m always hearing about a fight starting because somebody was “disrepected”. This always makes me laugh. First off, have you done anything to earn this “respect” in the first place? And if so, why do you care if some doofus doesn’t recognize this? Big deal. Life goes on. Smile and walk away. It’s not worth wasting negative energy over it. People are idiots. They’re not worth your time. They can’t hurt you.

They’re only words.

[Originally published July 29th, 2012.]

But she does have a point.

I know, I lied. One more Sparky video, but the dance at the end of the video is something I see every day when he wants something. Hilarity.

SparkySmile

So here’s the deal. Some guy in England climbed WAY up on this crane, literally hundreds of feet in the air. He has nothing anchoring him to the crane, and he just hangs there with one arm. He posts the amazing video, but here’s the thing – people are going nuts over whether it’s cool or an outrage and affront to society. YouTube commenters are split between saying it’s the coolest thing they’ve ever seen and saying the guy’s an idiot and a horrible example for young people. As for me, I’m sorta split down the middle, since I’m terrified of heights anyway and am absolutely fascinated by the whole stunt.

Whaddaya think? Cool dude or Mr. Bad Example/Attention Whore? Watch the video below before voting.