Posts Tagged ‘Stalkers’

My Stalker and I

Posted: April 30, 2016 in Men and Women, WTF?
Tags: ,


So the other day I get a random friend request from a woman whose name I didn’t recognize, but this isn’t unusual. After all, I’ve had thousands of students and a lot of the kids that I had in class who have different last names now.

Anywho, I accepted the request and thought nothing more about it until a couple of days later when I received a message from said woman. Let’s call her Stella. Here’s the exact conversation that took place on the first day:

Stella: “Hello. How are you?”

Me: “Doing well.”

At this point I don’t want to offend her by telling her I don’t recognize her so I’m trying to feel her out. So to speak.

Stella: “How is the weather in Ohio?”

Me: “It’s been in the 60’s today. Unseasonably warm.”

Stella: “It’s warm here in ___________ too.”

She named a city that’s in another state, which didn’t help me at all. At this point I just asked her straight out:

Me: “Did I have you as a student at Paint Valley or Greenfield?”

Stella: “No, I saw you on Fox News and you looked interesting so I thought I’d contact you.”

Wait. What? Hold on.

Fox what? News? Ruh-roh . . .

Me: “Uh, not me. You’re  obviously mistaking me for someone else.”

I then log off with a shrug of my shoulders and forget about her. But, the next day I get a message . . .

Stella: “Can you at least talk to me?”

Me: “Well, I don’t really know you. I thought we knew each other when I accepted the friend request.”

Stella: “Oh.”

It ends there for about a day. And then, the following evening . . .

Stella: “Can’t we just talk?”

I figured not responding was the best move at this point so I didn’t. Then, a couple days later I wake up to find this, repeated word for word:


And then . . .


Followed by . . .


And this went on for about 20 more messages. Chick was unglued, unhinged, and you know, thought she’d seen me on Fox News.

Good God. Of course at this point I unfriended her. I mean, I’ve had ladies become frustrated and angry with me before but this was entering Fatal Attraction territory. I half expected to come home and find Sparky boiling on my stove, and for that someone would have to die.

So, being the bright guy that I am I shall henceforth refuse to accept friends without knowing with 100% certainty who they are. I probably should’ve known and done that anyway, but what the hey. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

But now, because of this little Facebook exchange, every time Sparky barks at night I’m sure it’s Stella, who for all I know could be a 45-year old male serial killer with murderous intent.

So, if there’s anything to be learned from all this it’s probably that I’m an idiot.

Horrifying thought – does she read this site? Did I post anything from Shoe: Untied during the couple of days she was my “friend”? I didn’t, did I? The mind reels.

Just checked. I did not. I think I’m good. Wait. Somebody’s at the door . . .

[Originally published on December 6th, 2012.]

“A recent study has found that stalking was far more prevalent than anyone had imagined: 8% of American women and 2% of American men will be stalked in their lifetimes. That’s 1.4 million American stalking victims every year. The majority of stalkers have been in relationships with their victims, but a significant percentage either never met their victims, or was just acquaintances – neighbors, friends or co-workers.” – The National Institute of Justice

I’m pretty sure I’ve never been stalked (maybe once), nor have I ever been a stalker. Well, that is if you don’t count Mary Jo Ridgeway back in 7th grade. Man, she was pretty. Long blonde hair, cute little upturned nose, funny . . . it seemed like she was stalking me because everywhere I went she was 10-steps in front of me. I could never figure out why I made her uncomfortable. Hmmm . . . I wonder where she lives now? I might be able to find her address online. Wait . . . never mind.

Seriously though, back in the day I don’t think the word “stalker” referred to anything regarding women, at least not anything creepy or you know, illegal. So, when I originally heard most of these songs I’m about to list nothing ominous came to mind at all. In these paranoid enlightened times, however, some of the old lyrics take on a whole new, darker light. See what I did there? Darker light? That’s what sets me apart from your average blogger. But on to said songs.

Let’s start with, when you really listen, one of the creepiest songs ever recorded:

Every Breath You Take” – The Police (click on all song titles to view the videos)

Yep, one of 1983’s biggest hits was about obsessive love to the max. Read on . . .

Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I’ll be watching you.

Every single day
And every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay
I’ll be watching you.

Seriously, has anybody ever checked to see if whoever this song was written about is still alive? Jeepers.

“Run for Your Life” – The Beatles

This gem from John Lennon seems harmless enough, at least until you actually listen to the lyrics. It was on Rubber Soul and John pulled no punches regarding what would happen if his girlfriend left him:

Let this be a sermon, I mean everything I’ve said,
Baby, I’m determined and I’d rather see you dead.
You better run for your life if you can, little girl,
Hide your head in the sand little girl,
Catch you with another man, that’s the end, little girl.

Yikes. Hear that? Lennon will gut you, girl. How in God’s name did those lyrics get past the record company honcho’s way back in 1965? This, my friends, was an early indicator that those friendly moptops weren’t as innocent as they seemed.

The More You Ignore Me the Closer I Get– Morrisey

Listen, I love Morrisey and I loved his former group The Smiths, but this dude was having some serious issues when he wrote this nugget:

Beware !
I bear more grudges
Than lonely high court judges
When you sleep
I will creep
Into your thoughts
Like a bad debt
That you can’t pay
Take the easy way
And give in
Yeah, and let me in
Oh, let me in
It’s war.

Nice of him to throw in “It’s war” there at the end, don’t ya think? Sort of caps off the sociopathic feel of the tune. Precious.

Lily (My One and Only)” – Smashing Pumpkins

This one is pretty cut and dried, and I mean “cut” literally. I mean, singing about hanging in a tree and watching a woman sort of speaks for itself.

Lily, my one and only I can hardly wait ’til I see her
Silly, I know I’m silly ‘Cause I’m hanging in this tree in the hopes that she will catch a glimpse of me
And through her window shade I watch her shadow move I wonder if she…
Lily, my one and only Love is in my heart and in your eyes
Will she or won’t she want him, no one knows for sure
But an officer is knocking at my door.
And through her window shade I watch her shadow move
I wonder if she could only see me, and when I’m with her,
I feel fine If I could kiss her I wouldn’t mind the time it took to find My Lily,
My one and only, I can hardly wait ’til I see her
Oh, Lily, I know you love me,
Cause as they’re draggin’ me away I swear I saw her raise her hand and wave goodbye.

Creepy, especially that last line. Whadda visual. Which reminds me of . . .

The Creep” – Lonely Island w/ Nicki Minaj

How can you not include a song with this verse?

And they knew I was a creep since the day I was born
Get popping out of momma like some kettle corn
And the doctor saw my head and he starting freaking
Cause I came clean and I came out creeping.

Really? “Popping out of momma like some kettle corn?” And trust me, you really have to watch the video (again, click on the song title) on this one. It truly speaks for itself. Make sure and watch it in all its freaky, unsettling glory.

Have mercy.

Obsession” – Animotion

Pure 1980s synthesizer stalk-pop. Check out these lyrics:

You are an obsession, I cannot sleep
I am a possession unopened at your  feet
There is no balance, no equality
Be still I will not accept defeat.

I will have you, yes I will have you
I will find a way and I  will have you
Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly
I will collect you and  capture you.

Did I miss something? Was this considered romantic in the 80s? Wait a second . . .you know, now that I re-read that it is sort of sexy in a different sort of way.

I’ve said too much.

O . . . K, before I expose my innermost feelings regarding love and stuff, let’s finish up with this classic song:

Love Ninja” – Andy Dick and the Bitches of the Century

Yep, it’s that Andy Dick. And on a related note, I just realized that I mentioned The Beatles and Andy Dick in the same blog. I hate myself right now. What the hell, just watch the video . . .

There are a few other songs that missed my list, including Carly Simon’s “You Belong to Me” (written by Carly and Michael McDonald and also recorded by the Doobie Brothers), Death Cab for Cutie’s “I Will Possess Your Heart”, and Elvis Costello’s “I Want You/I Hope You’re Happy Now”, great stalker songs all. I’m pretty certain I’ve missed a few though, and I’m just as certain my faithful readers will point them out to me.

Thanks for that in advance, kids. See ya on down the road.

Originally published on August 26th, 2012.