Archive for the ‘News’ Category

You’re never too old to rock out. Two elderly German men proved this to be true when they snuck out of their nursing home to attend the Wacken Open Air music festival, which is considered the biggest heavy metal festival in the world. The men didn’t go unnoticed, however, as the nursing home called the police to report them missing. Police finally found the two headbangers 25-miles from their nursing home at the music festival at about 3 a.m. where Merle Neufeld, a police spokesperson, told the press they were “disoriented and dazed.” 

First of all, Merle Neufeld, the phrase is “dazed and confused.” Get it right, dumbass. Secondly, what the hell, man? These heavy metal bros weren’t in jail, they were in a damn nursing home. If they want to go rock out to Warpig or Rammstein I say let ’em rock, man. No need to get the po-po involved. Just be careful to not, you know, snap a fibula or slip a disc or something.

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A rampaging herd of mysterious goats has appeared out of nowhere to run roughshod over a Boise, Idaho neighborhood, eating everything in sight like a mass adorable swarm of locusts. Nobody knows from whence they came, but they apparently made a break for it from somewhere and are on the lam. Eventually the kids were hauled off in a truck from We Rent Goats because apparently people rent goats in Idaho. Goatapalooza, man.

So the Dominican newspaper El Naciona published this article the other day, with one small error – the photo that’s supposed to be Donald Trump is actually Alec Baldwin’s character on Saturday Night Live.

And the hilarity continues.

“Move over Rafi, let the kids help!”

JAKARTA, Indonesia (AP) — A 23-foot long python has swallowed a woman in central Indonesia, a village official said Saturday. The victim, 54-year-old Wa Tiba, went missing while checking her vegetable garden near her village on Muna island in Southeast Sulawesi province on Thursday evening, according to the village chief, Faris. On Friday, her family went to look for her at the garden but found only her belongings, including sandals and a flashlight, said Faris, who uses a single name. The family and villagers launched a search for the woman, and found the snake with a bloated belly about 35-yards from where her belongings were found. The villagers killed the snake and carried it to the village. “When they cut open the snake’s belly they found Tiba’s body still intact with all her clothes,” Faris said. “She was swallowed headfirst.”

First off, big thanks Faris for letting us know which end went in first. I guess that is better than the alternative though? Helluva way for Wa Tiba to go in any event, amirite? Getting eaten by a python while checking your garden on Muna Island in Southeast Sulawesi? Yikes. And to think you believe you’re having a bad day because little Bryce doesn’t want to go to Camp Happy Hopes for 2-weeks. Anyway, I guess the moral of the story is that when in Indonesia checking on your veggies, keep your head on a swivel.

PS- How in the hell does a 23-foot long python sneak up on somebody? Slithering quietly like a mofo I guess. Chills, man.

Australia – Yoga is being combined with beer in a push to boost mens’ physical and mental health. Free “Broga” classes are being held at The Hack in Port Melbourne, encouraging pint-adoring blokes to get fit in more ways than one.
Instructor Nim Rotenberg told 9NEWS a couple of frothies “may help men loosen up for poses.”

“It’ll definitely open up your hamstrings,” Mr Rotenberg told 9NEWS with a laugh.

Apart from physical benefits, Broga also helps men together to chat, which is essential for good mental health. In Australia, one in eight men will experience depression; a staggering six out of every eight suicides every day in the country are men. “Broga” aims to help with that.

Listen man, if anything will open up your hamstrings it’s a couple frothies and doing yoga with your mates, amirite? But seriously, leave it to the Aussies to come up with this. Those cats will drink while doing almost anything. ya know? Hell, Australians will down a 6-pack of frothies whilst having breakfast.

Australians, man.

Note: If you don’t think I’m referring to beers as “frothies” from here on out you’re out of your mind. G’day mate.

Tom Brady “still has not committed to playing in 2018,” ESPN’s Adam Schefter reported Wednesday morning, citing sources. The Patriots quarterback still is expected to return, according to Schefter, but hasn’t given “official word” that he’ll be back. Brady wants to continue playing football past 40 years old, but “there are people around him who would rather see him retire,” sources told Schefter. Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen, reportedly has been among those who would like to see Brady walk away.

Hold the presses! Hold the presses! Breaking neeeeeews! Tom Brady may retire! Or not. He may play. We don’t know. But he might not play! But he might. Good God almighty. This is news? On a related note, you could say this about 200 other NFL players. I’m getting a headache.

TMZ- Green Bay Packers wide receiver Trevor Davis was arrested at LAX on Sunday morning after cops say he joked about smuggling a bomb into the airport. Law enforcement sources tell us the 24-year-old, a 5th round draft pick out of Cal in 2016, was at the Hawaiian Airlines ticket counter with a female companion to check into a flight when the attendant asked the usual security questions about their luggage.

Instead of playing it straight we’re told Davis turned to the other woman and said, “Did you remember to pack the explosives?” She apparently said, “No” and tried to get him to stop. He then said, “Just kidding”, but it was too late.
We’re told cops were called and Davis was immediately taken into custody for misdemeanor criminal threats.

Listen, everyone knows Trevor Davis was joking. But Holy Mother of God you can’t make a bomb joke at an airport. You just can’t. Not since September 11th, 2001. And Trevor has no excuse. Dude was born in 1994. He was 7 when 9/11 occurred. He’s not like guys like me who can remember the days when you could stroll onto an airplane with a damn machete and nobody would say a word. Trevor, dude. DUDE. Just can’t do it, man. You have to be better than that.

SPRING HILL, Fla. — 38-year old Douglas Jon Francisco of Tampa was arrested on Wednesday afternoon for DUI after he reportedly mistook a bank drive-thru for Taco Bell. According to the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office, the manager of Bank of America on Mariner Boulevard called to report an impaired driver after he found an unconscious man behind the wheel of a blue sedan in the bank’s drive-thru lane.

The manager told deputies that after beating on the car window for “some time,” he was able to wake up the driver. Upon waking up, the driver asked the bank manager for a burrito before driving away after being informed he was not at Taco Bell.

Listen, how can you be mad at Douglas Jon Francisco here? I mean really? Dude had a couple barley pops and confused his drive-thrus. Big deal. That could happen to anybody. Hell, I’ve known people to do it when they’re stone cold sober, man. Give this guy a break. Quick thought – what if it had been the other way around and he’d tried to withdraw money from a Taco Bell? Poor guy would’ve had robbery added to the DUI.

PS- True story. I was with one of my crazy-ass friends years ago and he got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up to the car, got out his little pen and pad, and my buddy said this without blinking an eye: “Hey, what’s up? Let’s see, I think I’ll have a cheeseburger with the works and a side of fries, and give me a large Coke too. Shoe, what do you want?” The cop never said a word, just went on with his usual routine as I sat cowering on the passenger side, waiting to be tased. On a related note, that friend is now a doctor.

PPS- Gotta give mad props to Douglas Jon Francisco for that mugshot. Hair is on point.

 

From Florida, of course:

A man says he was letting his dog outside in Florida when a large black bear attacked him.

Andrew Meunier tells local news outlets that he let his dog out of his home about 11 p.m. Tuesday and spotted the 4-foot bear standing next to him when he stepped outside. He said he struggled to get away and managed to get back through his front door. A 911 call revealed that Meunier suffered a minor facial laceration from the bear attack. He sought treatment at a local hospital and received 41 stitches.

“I’m just happy to be alive,” Meunier said. “It could’ve been a totally different story.”

Please. A 4-foot bear is large? People in Canada, Alaska, Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho are laughing their asses off right now. Also some people in Ohio and this guy for sure. Hell, an 11-year old is 4-feet tall. Give me a break. Also Andrew Meunier, where was your dog when this happened? Did he run off like his owner? Sparky would’ve taken a 4-foot bear down in mere seconds. Just ask that coyote he tangled with a couple years ago. Floridians, man.

PS- That dude looks like Ben Roethlisberger after yesterday’s game with the Jaguars.

Key Biscayne: In Central America, iguanas are a delicacy. They’re actually farmed for food. So, a gentleman in Key Biscayne, though originally from Central America, began picking up iguanas that appeared to be dead on the road that had fallen out of trees. They had turned gray and were not moving at all and were very cold to the touch. He put them into his vehicle. Unfortunately, the vehicle warmed up, and the iguanas started coming back to life. They started getting up and running around in the car, causing an accident on Route 913.

Tough day for this guy, huh? All the dude was thinking about was inviting his friends over for a big Iguana barbeque and the next thing you knows his 1973 Ford Pinto is being ravaged by Zombie Iguanas like you read about. That had to be just pure terror, man, sorta like when the deer came back to life in Tommy Boy. On a related note, Florida, man. Don’t get too close to the animals.

 

I kid you not Americans, the Mad Tweeter, also known as The Leader of the Free World, elected by a minority vote of Americans, unleashed the following tweets yesterday. I swear this man’s skin is as thin as the ice on which his presidency now stands. Here are his three tweets word-for-word, because you cannot make this stuff up.

Deranged Tweet #1

Now that Russian collusion, after one year of intense study, has proven to be a total hoax on the American public, the Democrats and their lapdogs, the Fake News Mainstream Media, are taking out the old Ronald Reagan playbook and screaming mental stability and intelligence…..

Nonsensical Tweet #2

….Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart. Crooked Hillary Clinton also played these cards very hard and, as everyone knows, went down in flames. I went from VERY successful businessman, to top T.V. Star…..

Batshit Crazy Tweet #3

….to President of the United States (on my first try). I think that would qualify as not smart, but genius….and a very stable genius at that!

What amazes me the most is that he simply cannot get over his Hillary Clinton fixation. He knows he beat her, right? And no offense, prez, but “Top TV Star” might be a stretch. And the whole being elected President of the US on “his first try” is so juvenile it hurts. But hey, everything will be OK because he’s, “like, really smart.” I swear to God this man is a blogger’s dream. Just endless material. Keep being you, Donnie.

PS- My dream is to have our president respond to one of my blogs and call me out. Tell me with certainty he won’t. You can’t.

Dude. Shake it off.

(CNN) There’s an Iguanocalypse in Florida, or at least that’s what it looks like judging from the photos worried Floridians are posting all over social media. Because of the cold temperatures sweeping the nation, iguanas are dropping out of trees like overripe mangoes, littering the ground in an apparent state of rigor mortis.

One tiny detail, though: They’re probably not dead. They are, however, literally frozen.

Emily Maple, the reptile keeper at the Palm Beach County Zoo, told CNN affiliate WPEC the cold-blooded animals get “cold stunned” — that is, they basically freeze — if the temperature gets below 45º Fahrenheit.

“If it’s just for a day or two they’ll just get to where they’re completely frozen in time. They’re still able to breathe. They’re still able to do bodily functions just very slow,” said Maple.

Let me get this straight. When things start to go sideways, iguanas literally shut down their body and just wait it out in a state of suspended animation? That’s whack, man. And who knew iguanas were such wussies? 45°? Hell, up here in Ohio we have animals running around all over the place outside at -8° like it ain’t no thing. Get your shit together, Florida animals. You’re embarrassing yourself.

PS- An iguana falling on your head would be sort of traumatic, no? Head on a swivel, Floridians. 

PPS- Here’s how true badass animals handle the cold. 

Fresh off the Twitter:

NEW this AM: Trump attorneys send cease-and-desist letter this morning to book publisher Henry Holt demanding they stop publication of Michael Wolff’s book “Fire & Fury: Inside Trump’s White House” and issue an apology to Trump for defamatory statements made thus far.

Oh, this must be good if The Donald is fighting so hard to ban it. Gotta be, right? It must have some really juicy and damning information contained within. After all, Trump doesn’t usually react to things like this, being so presidential and all. We all know how our Tweeter-in-Chief is known for his thick skin and uncanny ability to handle criticism. He usually takes the high road when folks dare disagree with him, everyone knows that.

Wait. Never mind.

PS- Still buying it.

UPDATE!

Breaking: Publisher of Michael Wolff’s Fire & Fury: Inside Trump’s White House, moves up the book’s release date by four days. It will be on store shelves tomorrow morning.

Yuge news! Yuuuuge! Anyone know when Barnes and Nobles opens?

PS- Now I’m starting to think Trump might be in on this whole thing, filing a cease and desist to ratchet up interest. Dude will do anything to make a buck. Damn it Trump!

A self-serve gas law took effect in Oregon on Monday, and some Oregonians aren’t taking it well. House Bill 2482, which was signed into law last year, allows motorists to pump their own gas in nearly half of Oregon’s 36-counties. It seems that Oregon and New Jersey had long been the only two states in the U.S. to bar customers from pumping their own fuel. Anywho, like I said, folks are all freaking out about having to actually get out of their car and handle a dangerous and smelly gas pump and whatnot. Check out some of the social media comments:

“I don’t even know HOW to pump gas and I am 62, native Oregonian! I say NO THANKS! I don’t want to smell like gasoline!”

Uh, bro. You won’t. What, do you think you dip it out of a bucket with your hands?

“I’ve lived in this state all my life and I REFUSE to pump my own gas. This is a service only qualified people should perform. I will literally park at the pump and wait until someone pumps my gas.”

Yep. Couldn’t agree more. Because those gas station attendants undergo a stringent training course to learn the intricacies of operating the complicated gas pump. Like, you know, lifting it from the cradle, inserting it into the filler neck of your gas tank, and pulling the trigger thingy to pump the gas.*

*Trigger Thingy is actually the name. True story.

“I go to work at 5 in the morning. Not a lot of people at the gas pumps at that time in the morning. And yes, I will not feel safe pumping my own gas. Not to mention it’s freezing and rainy. So thank you to all who voted to change it. You have now taken away a nice luxury that most of us enjoyed.”

Awww. Again with the worries of safety and getting cold and wet. Are Oregonians really that soft? In Ohio we lick the access gas off our hands and get on with our day.

“Many people are not capable of knowing how to pump gas and the hazards of not doing it correctly. Besides I don’t want to go to work smelling of gas when I get it on my hands or clothes. I agree very bad idea.”

Seriously, do these people think folks are blowing up their cars on the regular in the 48 states where people pump their own freaking gas? Good God, man. On a related note . . .

“Yuck! Pumping my own fuel in freezing temperatures and handling a nasty ole fuel nozzle that 50 other people have touched that day (and who knows what cooties are on there), no thank you. It’s nice to not have to pump your own fuel.”

Son, do you realize how many objects you touch every day that 100 other people have touched? The answer is exactly 4,567. I looked it up. Seriously, are Oregonians that soft? Damn it Trump!

Note: You youngbloods out there won’t remember this, but when I was a kid you’d pull into a gas station, 3 or 4 guys in uniforms and ties would come running out, and not only would they pump your gas but they’d wash your windshield, check the air in your tires and give you a foot massage. OK, that last part wasn’t true but the rest is 100% accurate. Oh, and if you filled your tank they’d give you a dinnerware set or something. True damn story. 

See? I wouldn’t lie to ya.

NY Post — The United Parcel Service lost a Canadian man’s $846,000 inheritance, and bank TD Canada Trust is refusing to refund the missing money 10 months later, according to a CBC report. UPS has only offered $32 and an apology letter — and TD hasn’t paid out a dime for the supposedly bank-guaranteed lost dough — leading to “many a night of lost sleep, and gnashing of teeth and anger. Frustration, unbelievable frustration” for Lorette Taylor and her brother Louis Paul Herbert, according to Taylor.
After their father died, Herbert said, he went to his local UPS store near Cornwall, Ontario, where he was expecting a package from sister Taylor containing his share of their inheritance in the form of a bank draft, but it never came.

Wait. Somebody shipped a $846,000.00 inheritance by UPS? Listen, I love Canadians as much as anyone but this is so Canadian it hurts. Just naïve like you read about. Nice of UPS to offer $32 though. That’s really big of them.

PS- Anything over $10-grand has to be hand delivered. That’s just common sense.

FORT WALTON BEACH, Fla. (AP) — An opossum that apparently drank bourbon after breaking into a Florida liquor store sobered up at a wildlife rescue center and was released unharmed.
Emerald Coast Wildlife Refuge officials say the opossum was brought in by a Fort Walton Beach, Florida, police officer on Nov. 24. A liquor store employee found the animal next to an empty bottle of bourbon.

“A worker there found the opossum up on a shelf next to a cracked open bottle of liquor with nothing in it,” said Michelle Pettis, a technician at the refuge. Pettis told the Panama City News Herald the opossum appeared disoriented, was excessively salivating and was pale. The staff pumped the marsupial full of fluids and cared for her as she sobered up. 

The store owner, Cash Moore, says he never had an opossum break in before.
“When she came through she knocked a bottle of liquor off the shelf,” Moore said. “When she got down on the floor she drank the whole damn bottle.”

The animal was released on Thursday.

Nothing worse than a burglar opossum that can’t hold her liquor, amirite? Little lady busts into a liquor store and proceeds to get soused like an amateur. A dog would’ve taken the bottle home, mixed it with some Angostura Bitters or Sweet Vermouth, sat down with a good book in front of the fire and enjoyed the evening. But no, a few sips wasn’t enough for Miss Opossum. She just had to drink the whole damn bottle and pass out like a damn housecat.

PS- How in the hell does an opossum look pale? They’re white, dude.

PPS- Disoriented? Ya think?

PPPS- I just realized I’ve written several blogs about drunk animals. Drunk bears, drunk pigs, even drunk squirrels. Animals, man.

NY Post — Lauer has made one statement regarding his firing from NBC’s “Today” for alleged sexual harassment, saying, “Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I’m committed to beginning that effort. It is now my full-time job.” A source says, “Matt has no intention of returning to public life. He wants to be a regular Joe, just staying in the Hamptons and playing golf. He is going to stick to his one statement and not address the allegations further.”

I say bravo to Matt Lauer. Bravo sir! Just going back to joining the common man in the Hamptons. Hell, any of us common folk could run into Matt at anytime, as long as we’re, you know, playing golf in the Hamptons. On a related note, Matt Lauer can go straight to hell.

Well, hell. This sucks. Looks like Santa bought the farm yesterday. Just hit that tree full bore and crashed into the sand like a bag of dead elves. Kids in total shock, just aghast like you read about. And did you notice the rescuer who tried to be a first responder? A little dachshund. Then again, maybe saw a fresh dinner, who knows. Anyway, sorry kids. Santa’s dead.

Note: That “bag of dead elves” line was one of my best ever. Bringing my A game today, baby. 

Try and find a better headline writer. You can’t. Anyway . . .

Source – A 19-year-old man who shot himself in the penis after allegedly holding up a South Side hotdog stand Tuesday won’t be going home when he’s released from the hospital. Terrion Pouncy was arrested at the Oak Lawn hospital not long after he was found slumped on the steps of a home across the street from a West Pullman restaurant that Chicago Police say he robbed at gunpoint about 6 a.m. on Halloween. The hotdog stand employee had been passing a bucket filled with grease over the counter as he called for his co-worker to hand over the cash from the register. As they passed their wallets and a stack of singles to Pouncy, the bucket tipped and bills went flying, police said. Shifting the gun in his waistband as he ran out he apparently pulled the trigger, firing a bullet that struck him in the penis.

Hotdog stand robbery. Man shoots self in penis. Some stories just write themselves, ya know? Seriously though, unless you shoot yourself in the groin I don’t want to hear about your bad day. Why? Because Terrion Pouncy’s bad day will top your bad day 100 times out of 100.

PS- Who grabs a gun by the trigger as they pull it out of their pants? That’s Burglar 101, man.

Daily Mail: This is the horrifying moment a Siberian tiger attacked a young female zookeeper in full view of visitors. The big cat,called Typhoon sprang on the keeper at Kaliningrad Zoo, in Russia, after its cage was accidentally left open while she brought food to the animal. But her life was saved as shocked onlookers shouted and threw stones at tiger until it backed away. Some men even lifted a table and chairs from a nearby cafe, hurling them over the fence to distract the predator so the keeper could escape.

Boy, those guys are real heroes, huh? Throwing a table and chairs down on Typhoon from behind the fence. Tough guys. Still, this is an old story. Humans keeping a wild animal caged, somebody leaves a gate open, and next thing you know a zookeeper is facing the cold hard truth that tigers are born meateaters and one of them is looking at you as its next meal. Nature, man. There’s no reality check like a good old-fashioned mauling.

PS- There is zero chance I’d go to a zoo in Russia. Those people don’t give a damn about nuthin’.

wasn’t

The Hill — Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) is reportedly recovering from five broken ribs after he was attacked while doing yard work on Friday. Doug Stafford, a top aide to Paul, told The Associated Press on Sunday that it is unclear when Paul plans to return to work as he deals with searing pain that prevents him from traveling and flying. Three of the five broken ribs are displaced fractures, which pose a risk for life-threatening problems, the aide told the news wire. His injuries could cause the senator lasting pain for months, according to the report. Rene’ Boucher, Paul’s 59-year old next-door neighbor, has been charged with misdemeanor fourth-degree assault.

First off, nothing screams “I’m a nerd” better than getting the shit kicked out of you by a guy named Rene’. Secondly, how the hell do you get beat up doing yard work? Wouldn’t you have a weapon with you? Maybe a rake? A sickle? Hell, a lawnmower? Make a charge at that bro with your 18 HP Cub Cadet XT1 Enduro Series LT 42″ Kohler Hydrostatic Gas Front-Engine Riding Mower  and watch that sucker go running back to his own freakin’ yard. Just a bad look all-around for Senator Rand Paul. Bad look indeed.

PS- You just know Trump is behind this. As if this public humiliation and evisceration wasn’t enough.

hhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Listen, I don’t like the way Bill Belichick treats reporters any more than the next guy, but this casually dumb dipstick brought the Belichickian Hell down on himself. First of all, he was sitting there all chillaxed-like and trying WAY to hard to be cool. Secondly, the question was just dumb. Check out the video, with another observation below it.

Some people online were saying this reporter reminded them of Ellis from “Die Hard.” I tend to agree.

Source – A Montreal man who got a $149 ticket for belting out a song in his car says he’s shocked and upset. Taoufik Moalla, 38, says Montreal police have no business punishing him for doing nothing more than singing along to one of his favorite songs in his own car.

Moalla, a father of two, was a few miles from his St-Laurent home on September 27th when he saw a police car pull up behind him on St. Croix Avenue. He was driving to the grocery story to buy water and had popped a 1990s dance track — C+C Music Factory’s “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)” — into his CD player. “They asked me if I was screaming. I said, ‘No, I was singing,’ ” Moalla said. “I was singing the refrain ‘Everybody Dance Now,’ but it wasn’t loud enough to disturb anyone.”

A few minutes later, Moalla said the police gave him back his driver’s license, car registration, plus a $149 ticket for “screaming in a public place.”

Listen, I’m with 100% behind Taoufik Moallaon on this one. If you can’t sing “Everybody Dance Now” whilst driving your car you’re in a country that’s going straight to hell. Just today I was singing “The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats loudly and proudly at the intersection of Bridge and Main in southern Ohio with the sunroof open and windows down and I wasn’t stopped by the po-po.

Come on Canada. What kind of totalitarian state are you running up there? Shame on you, America’s hat. Shame on you indeed.

Listen, I’ve always been against the sale of AK-47s and whatnot. Now? I totally get it. Hey, you forget my chicken wings and I’m going to shoot you the hell up, man. Especially at Pirtle’s Chicken. At least we know those assault-style weapons are being sold to upstanding, law-abiding citizens. I get it!

If you live literally anywhere but in a major city the video below will be laugh-out-loud funny. A cow got loose in the Big Apple and the locals acted like an alien dropped down from Uranus. It’s funny because New Yorkers act like midwesterners are gullible, innocent hicks yet there they are, giggling, taking photos and acting like school children at the sight of a regular farm animal. Too funny, man. City people are hilarious.

PS- Uranus jokes simply never get old, amirite?