Archive for the ‘News’ Category

From Florida, of course:

A man says he was letting his dog outside in Florida when a large black bear attacked him.

Andrew Meunier tells local news outlets that he let his dog out of his home about 11 p.m. Tuesday and spotted the 4-foot bear standing next to him when he stepped outside. He said he struggled to get away and managed to get back through his front door. A 911 call revealed that Meunier suffered a minor facial laceration from the bear attack. He sought treatment at a local hospital and received 41 stitches.

“I’m just happy to be alive,” Meunier said. “It could’ve been a totally different story.”

Please. A 4-foot bear is large? People in Canada, Alaska, Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho are laughing their asses off right now. Also some people in Ohio and this guy for sure. Hell, an 11-year old is 4-feet tall. Give me a break. Also Andrew Meunier, where was your dog when this happened? Did he run off like his owner? Sparky would’ve taken a 4-foot bear down in mere seconds. Just ask that coyote he tangled with a couple years ago. Floridians, man.

PS- That dude looks like Ben Roethlisberger after yesterday’s game with the Jaguars.

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Key Biscayne: In Central America, iguanas are a delicacy. They’re actually farmed for food. So, a gentleman in Key Biscayne, though originally from Central America, began picking up iguanas that appeared to be dead on the road that had fallen out of trees. They had turned gray and were not moving at all and were very cold to the touch. He put them into his vehicle. Unfortunately, the vehicle warmed up, and the iguanas started coming back to life. They started getting up and running around in the car, causing an accident on Route 913.

Tough day for this guy, huh? All the dude was thinking about was inviting his friends over for a big Iguana barbeque and the next thing you knows his 1973 Ford Pinto is being ravaged by Zombie Iguanas like you read about. That had to be just pure terror, man, sorta like when the deer came back to life in Tommy Boy. On a related note, Florida, man. Don’t get too close to the animals.

 

I kid you not Americans, the Mad Tweeter, also known as The Leader of the Free World, elected by a minority vote of Americans, unleashed the following tweets yesterday. I swear this man’s skin is as thin as the ice on which his presidency now stands. Here are his three tweets word-for-word, because you cannot make this stuff up.

Deranged Tweet #1

Now that Russian collusion, after one year of intense study, has proven to be a total hoax on the American public, the Democrats and their lapdogs, the Fake News Mainstream Media, are taking out the old Ronald Reagan playbook and screaming mental stability and intelligence…..

Nonsensical Tweet #2

….Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart. Crooked Hillary Clinton also played these cards very hard and, as everyone knows, went down in flames. I went from VERY successful businessman, to top T.V. Star…..

Batshit Crazy Tweet #3

….to President of the United States (on my first try). I think that would qualify as not smart, but genius….and a very stable genius at that!

What amazes me the most is that he simply cannot get over his Hillary Clinton fixation. He knows he beat her, right? And no offense, prez, but “Top TV Star” might be a stretch. And the whole being elected President of the US on “his first try” is so juvenile it hurts. But hey, everything will be OK because he’s, “like, really smart.” I swear to God this man is a blogger’s dream. Just endless material. Keep being you, Donnie.

PS- My dream is to have our president respond to one of my blogs and call me out. Tell me with certainty he won’t. You can’t.

Dude. Shake it off.

(CNN) There’s an Iguanocalypse in Florida, or at least that’s what it looks like judging from the photos worried Floridians are posting all over social media. Because of the cold temperatures sweeping the nation, iguanas are dropping out of trees like overripe mangoes, littering the ground in an apparent state of rigor mortis.

One tiny detail, though: They’re probably not dead. They are, however, literally frozen.

Emily Maple, the reptile keeper at the Palm Beach County Zoo, told CNN affiliate WPEC the cold-blooded animals get “cold stunned” — that is, they basically freeze — if the temperature gets below 45º Fahrenheit.

“If it’s just for a day or two they’ll just get to where they’re completely frozen in time. They’re still able to breathe. They’re still able to do bodily functions just very slow,” said Maple.

Let me get this straight. When things start to go sideways, iguanas literally shut down their body and just wait it out in a state of suspended animation? That’s whack, man. And who knew iguanas were such wussies? 45°? Hell, up here in Ohio we have animals running around all over the place outside at -8° like it ain’t no thing. Get your shit together, Florida animals. You’re embarrassing yourself.

PS- An iguana falling on your head would be sort of traumatic, no? Head on a swivel, Floridians. 

PPS- Here’s how true badass animals handle the cold. 

Fresh off the Twitter:

NEW this AM: Trump attorneys send cease-and-desist letter this morning to book publisher Henry Holt demanding they stop publication of Michael Wolff’s book “Fire & Fury: Inside Trump’s White House” and issue an apology to Trump for defamatory statements made thus far.

Oh, this must be good if The Donald is fighting so hard to ban it. Gotta be, right? It must have some really juicy and damning information contained within. After all, Trump doesn’t usually react to things like this, being so presidential and all. We all know how our Tweeter-in-Chief is known for his thick skin and uncanny ability to handle criticism. He usually takes the high road when folks dare disagree with him, everyone knows that.

Wait. Never mind.

PS- Still buying it.

UPDATE!

Breaking: Publisher of Michael Wolff’s Fire & Fury: Inside Trump’s White House, moves up the book’s release date by four days. It will be on store shelves tomorrow morning.

Yuge news! Yuuuuge! Anyone know when Barnes and Nobles opens?

PS- Now I’m starting to think Trump might be in on this whole thing, filing a cease and desist to ratchet up interest. Dude will do anything to make a buck. Damn it Trump!

A self-serve gas law took effect in Oregon on Monday, and some Oregonians aren’t taking it well. House Bill 2482, which was signed into law last year, allows motorists to pump their own gas in nearly half of Oregon’s 36-counties. It seems that Oregon and New Jersey had long been the only two states in the U.S. to bar customers from pumping their own fuel. Anywho, like I said, folks are all freaking out about having to actually get out of their car and handle a dangerous and smelly gas pump and whatnot. Check out some of the social media comments:

“I don’t even know HOW to pump gas and I am 62, native Oregonian! I say NO THANKS! I don’t want to smell like gasoline!”

Uh, bro. You won’t. What, do you think you dip it out of a bucket with your hands?

“I’ve lived in this state all my life and I REFUSE to pump my own gas. This is a service only qualified people should perform. I will literally park at the pump and wait until someone pumps my gas.”

Yep. Couldn’t agree more. Because those gas station attendants undergo a stringent training course to learn the intricacies of operating the complicated gas pump. Like, you know, lifting it from the cradle, inserting it into the filler neck of your gas tank, and pulling the trigger thingy to pump the gas.*

*Trigger Thingy is actually the name. True story.

“I go to work at 5 in the morning. Not a lot of people at the gas pumps at that time in the morning. And yes, I will not feel safe pumping my own gas. Not to mention it’s freezing and rainy. So thank you to all who voted to change it. You have now taken away a nice luxury that most of us enjoyed.”

Awww. Again with the worries of safety and getting cold and wet. Are Oregonians really that soft? In Ohio we lick the access gas off our hands and get on with our day.

“Many people are not capable of knowing how to pump gas and the hazards of not doing it correctly. Besides I don’t want to go to work smelling of gas when I get it on my hands or clothes. I agree very bad idea.”

Seriously, do these people think folks are blowing up their cars on the regular in the 48 states where people pump their own freaking gas? Good God, man. On a related note . . .

“Yuck! Pumping my own fuel in freezing temperatures and handling a nasty ole fuel nozzle that 50 other people have touched that day (and who knows what cooties are on there), no thank you. It’s nice to not have to pump your own fuel.”

Son, do you realize how many objects you touch every day that 100 other people have touched? The answer is exactly 4,567. I looked it up. Seriously, are Oregonians that soft? Damn it Trump!

Note: You youngbloods out there won’t remember this, but when I was a kid you’d pull into a gas station, 3 or 4 guys in uniforms and ties would come running out, and not only would they pump your gas but they’d wash your windshield, check the air in your tires and give you a foot massage. OK, that last part wasn’t true but the rest is 100% accurate. Oh, and if you filled your tank they’d give you a dinnerware set or something. True damn story. 

See? I wouldn’t lie to ya.

NY Post — The United Parcel Service lost a Canadian man’s $846,000 inheritance, and bank TD Canada Trust is refusing to refund the missing money 10 months later, according to a CBC report. UPS has only offered $32 and an apology letter — and TD hasn’t paid out a dime for the supposedly bank-guaranteed lost dough — leading to “many a night of lost sleep, and gnashing of teeth and anger. Frustration, unbelievable frustration” for Lorette Taylor and her brother Louis Paul Herbert, according to Taylor.
After their father died, Herbert said, he went to his local UPS store near Cornwall, Ontario, where he was expecting a package from sister Taylor containing his share of their inheritance in the form of a bank draft, but it never came.

Wait. Somebody shipped a $846,000.00 inheritance by UPS? Listen, I love Canadians as much as anyone but this is so Canadian it hurts. Just naïve like you read about. Nice of UPS to offer $32 though. That’s really big of them.

PS- Anything over $10-grand has to be hand delivered. That’s just common sense.

FORT WALTON BEACH, Fla. (AP) — An opossum that apparently drank bourbon after breaking into a Florida liquor store sobered up at a wildlife rescue center and was released unharmed.
Emerald Coast Wildlife Refuge officials say the opossum was brought in by a Fort Walton Beach, Florida, police officer on Nov. 24. A liquor store employee found the animal next to an empty bottle of bourbon.

“A worker there found the opossum up on a shelf next to a cracked open bottle of liquor with nothing in it,” said Michelle Pettis, a technician at the refuge. Pettis told the Panama City News Herald the opossum appeared disoriented, was excessively salivating and was pale. The staff pumped the marsupial full of fluids and cared for her as she sobered up. 

The store owner, Cash Moore, says he never had an opossum break in before.
“When she came through she knocked a bottle of liquor off the shelf,” Moore said. “When she got down on the floor she drank the whole damn bottle.”

The animal was released on Thursday.

Nothing worse than a burglar opossum that can’t hold her liquor, amirite? Little lady busts into a liquor store and proceeds to get soused like an amateur. A dog would’ve taken the bottle home, mixed it with some Angostura Bitters or Sweet Vermouth, sat down with a good book in front of the fire and enjoyed the evening. But no, a few sips wasn’t enough for Miss Opossum. She just had to drink the whole damn bottle and pass out like a damn housecat.

PS- How in the hell does an opossum look pale? They’re white, dude.

PPS- Disoriented? Ya think?

PPPS- I just realized I’ve written several blogs about drunk animals. Drunk bears, drunk pigs, even drunk squirrels. Animals, man.

NY Post — Lauer has made one statement regarding his firing from NBC’s “Today” for alleged sexual harassment, saying, “Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I’m committed to beginning that effort. It is now my full-time job.” A source says, “Matt has no intention of returning to public life. He wants to be a regular Joe, just staying in the Hamptons and playing golf. He is going to stick to his one statement and not address the allegations further.”

I say bravo to Matt Lauer. Bravo sir! Just going back to joining the common man in the Hamptons. Hell, any of us common folk could run into Matt at anytime, as long as we’re, you know, playing golf in the Hamptons. On a related note, Matt Lauer can go straight to hell.

Well, hell. This sucks. Looks like Santa bought the farm yesterday. Just hit that tree full bore and crashed into the sand like a bag of dead elves. Kids in total shock, just aghast like you read about. And did you notice the rescuer who tried to be a first responder? A little dachshund. Then again, maybe saw a fresh dinner, who knows. Anyway, sorry kids. Santa’s dead.

Note: That “bag of dead elves” line was one of my best ever. Bringing my A game today, baby. 

Try and find a better headline writer. You can’t. Anyway . . .

Source – A 19-year-old man who shot himself in the penis after allegedly holding up a South Side hotdog stand Tuesday won’t be going home when he’s released from the hospital. Terrion Pouncy was arrested at the Oak Lawn hospital not long after he was found slumped on the steps of a home across the street from a West Pullman restaurant that Chicago Police say he robbed at gunpoint about 6 a.m. on Halloween. The hotdog stand employee had been passing a bucket filled with grease over the counter as he called for his co-worker to hand over the cash from the register. As they passed their wallets and a stack of singles to Pouncy, the bucket tipped and bills went flying, police said. Shifting the gun in his waistband as he ran out he apparently pulled the trigger, firing a bullet that struck him in the penis.

Hotdog stand robbery. Man shoots self in penis. Some stories just write themselves, ya know? Seriously though, unless you shoot yourself in the groin I don’t want to hear about your bad day. Why? Because Terrion Pouncy’s bad day will top your bad day 100 times out of 100.

PS- Who grabs a gun by the trigger as they pull it out of their pants? That’s Burglar 101, man.

Daily Mail: This is the horrifying moment a Siberian tiger attacked a young female zookeeper in full view of visitors. The big cat,called Typhoon sprang on the keeper at Kaliningrad Zoo, in Russia, after its cage was accidentally left open while she brought food to the animal. But her life was saved as shocked onlookers shouted and threw stones at tiger until it backed away. Some men even lifted a table and chairs from a nearby cafe, hurling them over the fence to distract the predator so the keeper could escape.

Boy, those guys are real heroes, huh? Throwing a table and chairs down on Typhoon from behind the fence. Tough guys. Still, this is an old story. Humans keeping a wild animal caged, somebody leaves a gate open, and next thing you know a zookeeper is facing the cold hard truth that tigers are born meateaters and one of them is looking at you as its next meal. Nature, man. There’s no reality check like a good old-fashioned mauling.

PS- There is zero chance I’d go to a zoo in Russia. Those people don’t give a damn about nuthin’.

wasn’t

The Hill — Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) is reportedly recovering from five broken ribs after he was attacked while doing yard work on Friday. Doug Stafford, a top aide to Paul, told The Associated Press on Sunday that it is unclear when Paul plans to return to work as he deals with searing pain that prevents him from traveling and flying. Three of the five broken ribs are displaced fractures, which pose a risk for life-threatening problems, the aide told the news wire. His injuries could cause the senator lasting pain for months, according to the report. Rene’ Boucher, Paul’s 59-year old next-door neighbor, has been charged with misdemeanor fourth-degree assault.

First off, nothing screams “I’m a nerd” better than getting the shit kicked out of you by a guy named Rene’. Secondly, how the hell do you get beat up doing yard work? Wouldn’t you have a weapon with you? Maybe a rake? A sickle? Hell, a lawnmower? Make a charge at that bro with your 18 HP Cub Cadet XT1 Enduro Series LT 42″ Kohler Hydrostatic Gas Front-Engine Riding Mower  and watch that sucker go running back to his own freakin’ yard. Just a bad look all-around for Senator Rand Paul. Bad look indeed.

PS- You just know Trump is behind this. As if this public humiliation and evisceration wasn’t enough.

hhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Listen, I don’t like the way Bill Belichick treats reporters any more than the next guy, but this casually dumb dipstick brought the Belichickian Hell down on himself. First of all, he was sitting there all chillaxed-like and trying WAY to hard to be cool. Secondly, the question was just dumb. Check out the video, with another observation below it.

Some people online were saying this reporter reminded them of Ellis from “Die Hard.” I tend to agree.

Source – A Montreal man who got a $149 ticket for belting out a song in his car says he’s shocked and upset. Taoufik Moalla, 38, says Montreal police have no business punishing him for doing nothing more than singing along to one of his favorite songs in his own car.

Moalla, a father of two, was a few miles from his St-Laurent home on September 27th when he saw a police car pull up behind him on St. Croix Avenue. He was driving to the grocery story to buy water and had popped a 1990s dance track — C+C Music Factory’s “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)” — into his CD player. “They asked me if I was screaming. I said, ‘No, I was singing,’ ” Moalla said. “I was singing the refrain ‘Everybody Dance Now,’ but it wasn’t loud enough to disturb anyone.”

A few minutes later, Moalla said the police gave him back his driver’s license, car registration, plus a $149 ticket for “screaming in a public place.”

Listen, I’m with 100% behind Taoufik Moallaon on this one. If you can’t sing “Everybody Dance Now” whilst driving your car you’re in a country that’s going straight to hell. Just today I was singing “The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats loudly and proudly at the intersection of Bridge and Main in southern Ohio with the sunroof open and windows down and I wasn’t stopped by the po-po.

Come on Canada. What kind of totalitarian state are you running up there? Shame on you, America’s hat. Shame on you indeed.

Listen, I’ve always been against the sale of AK-47s and whatnot. Now? I totally get it. Hey, you forget my chicken wings and I’m going to shoot you the hell up, man. Especially at Pirtle’s Chicken. At least we know those assault-style weapons are being sold to upstanding, law-abiding citizens. I get it!

If you live literally anywhere but in a major city the video below will be laugh-out-loud funny. A cow got loose in the Big Apple and the locals acted like an alien dropped down from Uranus. It’s funny because New Yorkers act like midwesterners are gullible, innocent hicks yet there they are, giggling, taking photos and acting like school children at the sight of a regular farm animal. Too funny, man. City people are hilarious.

PS- Uranus jokes simply never get old, amirite?

Everyone can fly, just not very well.

Passengers on a Bali-bound AirAsia flight say they were left terrified after their plane suddenly lost cabin pressure and dropped 20,000 feet shortly after take-off.

The flight from Perth to Bali with 145-people on board was forced to turn back only 25 minutes after take-off on Sunday morning. Flight QZ535 passengers described how they were ordered to adopt the brace position and use their oxygen masks, with some saying they thought they would die during the ordeal.

A technical problem caused the aircraft to plunge from 32,000 feet to 10,000 feet without warning. Passenger Claire skew told 7 News the passengers were terrified.

Wait. Your plane dropped from 32,000-feet to 10,000-feet and you thought you would die? That’s shocking.  I usually don’t start to panic until the plane gets to around 1000-feet. Even then, I wait to around 500-feet before I put down my peanuts and drink to start looking for the exit door. Come on, people of AirAsia Flight QZ535, have some poise. Geez.

PS- If you think I’d ever get on an airline called AirAsia you’re out of your gourd.  They probably inspect the planes once every 10-years.

New research shows pressure beneath Yellowstone could build much quicker than previously thought, and such an eruption could make Earth uninhabitable. Research presented by the Arizona State University at a recent meeting in Oregon goes against previous findings which that it could take thousands of years to build up. Scientists say it could happen within tens of years after a study analyzing crystals in volcanic rocks found in the area.
As the crystals grew, they were increasingly prone to being influenced by their surroundings, such as pressure, heat and water content.

Lead researcher Hannah Shamloo of Arizona State University told the New York Times: “It’s shocking how little time is required to take a volcanic system from being quiet and sitting there to the edge of an eruption.

The usually peaceful volcano has now experienced some 2,750 tremors since June 12th which could indicate that it is ready to burst back into life.

This is the second most active swarm of quakes since records began.

If the volcano were to erupt it would kill an estimated 87,000 people immediately and make two-thirds of the USA immediately uninhabitable.
The large spew of ash into the atmosphere would block out sunlight and directly affect life beneath it creating a “nuclear winter.”

Hey-O!  Saving up for little Hunter’s college fund? Screw that. Spend that dough while you can, folks, because well, this winter could be a bad one. A Nuclear Winter you might call it. Seriously man, a large spew of ash blocking out the sun just sucks. Pretty much what happened to the dinosaurs with that little meteor incident thingy. Turned out bad for them. And isn’t it wild that the Supervolcano is in Yellowstone National Park? Hell, that’s where Yogi Bear and Boo Boo live. Supervolcanos are supposed to be in Siberia or somewhere.

Fun Fact: The volcano system under Yellowstone has enough lava to fill 11 Grand Canyons. Sweet Mother of God. 

How may of you knew the United States had a Flag Code? We do. I kid you not. Read on readers . . .

On June 14th, 1923, the National Flag Code was constructed by representatives of over 68 organizations, under the auspices of the National Americanism Commission of the American Legion. The code drafted by that conference was printed by the American Legion and given nationwide distribution. The United States Flag Code establishes advisory rules for display and care of the national flag of the United States of America, because damn straight it does.

We have a flag code that we all should follow and obey, being the good Americans that we surely all are. That said, we don’t always follow. I shall now give you some highlights of the code, along with some examples of how we blatantly disregard them. Let us begin . . .

All present except those in uniform should stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart.

Take a look around you the next time you’re at a professional sporting event and the National Anthem is playing. What do you see? People going to the restrooms, guys and girls with hats on, concession workers doing a brisk business, people talking, couples with arms around each other, not to mention people yelling at the quietly kneeling players. And what about you folks at home? During the Super Bowl anthem, does your party stop as everyone stands respectfully with their hands over their heart? Just asking.

Factoid #1: In 1990, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in United States v. Eichman that prohibiting burning of the U.S. flag conflicts with the First Amendment right to freedom of speech and is therefore unconstitutional.

Let’s move on . . .

No part of the flag should ever be used as a costume or athletic uniform. However, a flag patch may be affixed to the uniform of military personnel, firemen, policemen, and members of patriotic organizations.

Did you read that? NO PART of the flag. Nobody EVER does that, right? And I’m pretty sure a football team doesn’t qualify as a “patriotic organization.” Still, check ’em out:

That’s just awful. Throw them out of America, man!

Factoid #2: Contrary to urban legend, the flag code does not state that a flag that touches the ground should be burned. Instead, it is considered disrespectful and the flag in question should be moved in such a manner that it is no longer touching the ground.

Huh. I did not know that. Anywho . . .

The flag should never be carried flat or horizontally, but always aloft and free.

Nobody would ever hold our flag horizontally, right? None of us have ever seen a giant American flag covering the entire football field held horizontally, have we? Sweet other of God! Sacrilege!

That’s a blatant disregard of the United States Flag Code, man. Just spitting in the face of America. Pa-thetic.

All men not in uniform should remove their headdress with their right hand and hold it at the left shoulder, the hand being over the heart.

Well, well. NO HEADGEAR, MAN. Somebody needs to tell this to Hank Williams, Jr. among others, amirite? Dude sang the anthem with a cowboy hat perched upon his noggin. And have you ever been to an NFL game and seen the unpatriotic shenanigans that take place? Hey! That Packer fan left the cheese on his head during the anthem! Un-American! Go back to Europe ya foreigner!

I sincerely hope they removed their headgear during the anthem.

The flag should remain in its original state and should never have placed upon it, nor on any part of it, nor attached to it any mark, insignia, letter, word, figure, design, picture, or drawing of any nature. 

No way any good American would disfigure the flag, right? It has to stay in its original state! Wait . . .

Oh, and here’s a bonus photo of a red-blooded American patriot showing respect for our flag as some of his home team knelt during the anthem. That’s a real American right there, man. Respect like ya read about.

Dude, put your hand over your heart. Follow the protocol.

So, have you ever disrespected our flag? Unless you stand at attention with your hand over your heart every single time the anthem is played, whether you’re at the game or watching on TV, I don’t want to hear it.

During the anthem we have people wearing the flag as a shirt, pants and God knows what else. We have people downing beers, buying nachos, wearing weird hats and everything else during the anthem. Still, you’d better not kneel quietly and respectfully or you’ll be branded a communist and a outright traitor.

Let’s be honest. This isn’t about disrespecting the flag and never has been. It’s about racism and resentment towards millionaire athletes being uppity enough to use their position to take a stand.

God bless America. We need it.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette — A text message sent in January to U.S. Rep. Tim Murphy by a woman with whom he had an extra-marital relationship took him to task for an anti-abortion statement posted on Facebook from his office’s public account.

“And you have zero issue posting your pro-life stance all over the place when you had no issue asking me to abort our unborn child just last week when we thought that was one of the options,” Shannon Edwards, a forensic psychologist in Pittsburgh with whom the congressman admitted last month to having a relationship, wrote to Mr. Murphy on Jan. 25, in the midst of an unfounded pregnancy scare.

On Wednesday, Murphy released a statement in which he says he will not seek re-election.

A text from Mr. Murphy’s cell phone number that same day in response says, “I get what you say about my March for Life messages. I’ve never written them. Staff does them. I read them and winced. I told staff don’t write any more. I will.”

Man, bad look for Rep. Tim Murphy of Pennsylvania, amirite? You base a lot of your campaign on being anti-abortion only to have your mistress show the world you asked her to get an abortion. That’s a slap in the face of your voters if there ever was one. And I love how he threw his staff under the bus in a heartbeat. Politicians, man.

PS –  A politician being a hypocrite? Whodathunkit? Nothing like telling people how to live and what to do with their lives but refusing to hold yourself to that same standard. Crazy times, man. Next thing you know a billionaire real estate magnate game show host will convince the common folk he cares about them and they’ll elect him president. 

Her kids saw it first: A woman, pants around ankles, defecating before the Budde family’s Colorado Springs home.

Then it happened again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Each week brings a fresh pile of excrement to the sidewalk in front of Cathy Budde’s home, she told local station KKTV — at least seven so far. Budde calls her “The Mad Pooper.” Police remain baffled. The family feels helpless to stop her.
“I came outside, and I was like, ‘Are you serious?'” Budde said of the time she caught the woman, a jogger, in the act. “‘Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids?’ She’s like, ‘Yeah, sorry!'”

Then the woman jogged away. She leaves only confusion, and also the paper towels that she wipes with.

Even in a world wrought with senseless violence, the Mad Pooper’s antics astonish. There’s a portable toilet at nearby John Venezia Community Park.  A gas station not far from that. So then why? Why the Budde family? And why now?

These questions haunt Colorado Springs residents, and the officers sworn to protect them. “For someone to repeatedly do such a thing, it’s uncharted territory for me,” Sgt. Johnathan Sharketti of the Colorado Springs Police Department told KKTV.

Listen, for me there’s almost nothing more disgusting than someone doing #2. Can’t deal with it, won’t deal with it. At basketball camps I’d walk up three floors of the dorm just find a private bathroom. And I’m still scarred from that time I was a freshman in high school and walked into the boys locker room to find Sammy Dickey sitting on the toileteating a peanut butter sandwich. That’s a sight that will be burned into my memory forever. Hell, I couldn’t eat peanut butter for 2-years. On a related note, I may or may not have broken up with a girl because she kept leaving the damn bathroom door open. Nothing, and I mean nothing, kills sexiness like seeing a woman taking a dump. So, if anyone deserves the death penalty it’s the Mad Pooper. Dead serious. Lethal inject that serial defecator, and do it immediately upon her capture.

PS- Ewwww.

First, the video:

The Guardian: A Russian attack helicopter accidentally fired at least one rocket into a crowd of Russian soldiers during large scale military exercises close to Nato’s borders, Russian media has reported. Three people were injured in the incident at the Zapad 2017 drills, a source close to the Russian Ministry of Defense said.

Man, bad look for Russia, amirite? Dude just launching rockets into his own army like a boss. That one dude walking toward the explosion has to be dead. And what are the odds Putin has executed this guy already? You don’t make Russia look bad, not on Putin’s watch.

AL.Com: Officials in Manatee County, Florida are under fire after an interpreter for the deaf warned about pizza and monsters during an emergency briefing related to Hurricane Irma.

The interpreter, Marshall Greene, a lifeguard for the county, has a brother who is deaf, according to the Daily Moth, a video news site that provides information via American Sign Language. Greene was used as the interpreter for a Sept. 8 press conference regarding the incoming storm and possible evacuations.

Members of the deaf community said Greene mostly signed gibberish, referencing “pizza,” “monsters,” and using the phrase “help you at that time to use bear big,” during the event. Other information signed to viewers was incomplete, experts said. 

Boy, it’s been a tough couple weeks for interpreters for the deaf, huh? First the guy with the funny faces and now this poor guy. Seriously, they pull the guy off lifeguard duty to interpret on TV because he has a deaf brother? Bro went rogue like you read about. Poor dude was way out of his league here. Meanwhile, chaos reigned as deaf people all over Manatee County were worrying about bears and monsters and debating going out for pizza in the middle of a hurricane. Sad really.

Evacuate now bear monsters are coming!

So the Donald was absolutely eviscerated by those damn pansy-ass Hollywood liberals at the Emmy Awards last night, and the Trumpians are up in arms. How dare these people criticize our president publicly! Outrageous! Un-American! You can’t belittle the Leader of the Free World! First, let’s watch the video:

Damn you actors to Hell! The highest ranked official in the land of the free and home of the brave would never stoop to such a level! Our president would never be so petty, mean-spirited and undignified! Wait. Never mind.

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