Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Her kids saw it first: A woman, pants around ankles, defecating before the Budde family’s Colorado Springs home.

Then it happened again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Each week brings a fresh pile of excrement to the sidewalk in front of Cathy Budde’s home, she told local station KKTV — at least seven so far. Budde calls her “The Mad Pooper.” Police remain baffled. The family feels helpless to stop her.
“I came outside, and I was like, ‘Are you serious?'” Budde said of the time she caught the woman, a jogger, in the act. “‘Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids?’ She’s like, ‘Yeah, sorry!'”

Then the woman jogged away. She leaves only confusion, and also the paper towels that she wipes with.

Even in a world wrought with senseless violence, the Mad Pooper’s antics astonish. There’s a portable toilet at nearby John Venezia Community Park.  A gas station not far from that. So then why? Why the Budde family? And why now?

These questions haunt Colorado Springs residents, and the officers sworn to protect them. “For someone to repeatedly do such a thing, it’s uncharted territory for me,” Sgt. Johnathan Sharketti of the Colorado Springs Police Department told KKTV.

Listen, for me there’s almost nothing more disgusting than someone doing #2. Can’t deal with it, won’t deal with it. At basketball camps I’d walk up three floors of the dorm just find a private bathroom. And I’m still scarred from that time I was a freshman in high school and walked into the boys locker room to find Sammy Dickey sitting on the toileteating a peanut butter sandwich. That’s a sight that will be burned into my memory forever. Hell, I couldn’t eat peanut butter for 2-years. On a related note, I may or may not have broken up with a girl because she kept leaving the damn bathroom door open. Nothing, and I mean nothing, kills sexiness like seeing a woman taking a dump. So, if anyone deserves the death penalty it’s the Mad Pooper. Dead serious. Lethal inject that serial defecator, and do it immediately upon her capture.

PS- Ewwww.

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First, the video:

The Guardian: A Russian attack helicopter accidentally fired at least one rocket into a crowd of Russian soldiers during large scale military exercises close to Nato’s borders, Russian media has reported. Three people were injured in the incident at the Zapad 2017 drills, a source close to the Russian Ministry of Defense said.

Man, bad look for Russia, amirite? Dude just launching rockets into his own army like a boss. That one dude walking toward the explosion has to be dead. And what are the odds Putin has executed this guy already? You don’t make Russia look bad, not on Putin’s watch.

AL.Com: Officials in Manatee County, Florida are under fire after an interpreter for the deaf warned about pizza and monsters during an emergency briefing related to Hurricane Irma.

The interpreter, Marshall Greene, a lifeguard for the county, has a brother who is deaf, according to the Daily Moth, a video news site that provides information via American Sign Language. Greene was used as the interpreter for a Sept. 8 press conference regarding the incoming storm and possible evacuations.

Members of the deaf community said Greene mostly signed gibberish, referencing “pizza,” “monsters,” and using the phrase “help you at that time to use bear big,” during the event. Other information signed to viewers was incomplete, experts said. 

Boy, it’s been a tough couple weeks for interpreters for the deaf, huh? First the guy with the funny faces and now this poor guy. Seriously, they pull the guy off lifeguard duty to interpret on TV because he has a deaf brother? Bro went rogue like you read about. Poor dude was way out of his league here. Meanwhile, chaos reigned as deaf people all over Manatee County were worrying about bears and monsters and debating going out for pizza in the middle of a hurricane. Sad really.

Evacuate now bear monsters are coming!

So the Donald was absolutely eviscerated by those damn pansy-ass Hollywood liberals at the Emmy Awards last night, and the Trumpians are up in arms. How dare these people criticize our president publicly! Outrageous! Un-American! You can’t belittle the Leader of the Free World! First, let’s watch the video:

Damn you actors to Hell! The highest ranked official in the land of the free and home of the brave would never stoop to such a level! Our president would never be so petty, mean-spirited and undignified! Wait. Never mind.

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So the prestigious Washington Post just fired off one of the most insightful, in-depth and well-researched tweets of the year with this gem:

NATION’S FOURTH LARGEST CITY STRUGGLES TO GET MOVING AGAIN AFTER HARVEY

 

Gee Washington Post, ya think?

 

BBC – A 14-year-old boy who went viral on Twitter for dancing the Macarena in a busy Saudi Arabian street has been arrested by authorities. The teenager is being questioned after being accused of “improper public behavior” in Jeddah, a statement said. In the 45-second clip the teen can be seen disrupting traffic while dancing to the popular 1990s hit song.

Listen, big freedom guy here. I’m all for the rights of individuals and whatnot. I believe that’s been well-documented. That said, if anyone should ever be arrested for dancing it’s this kid. Hey, I might be outraged if he was busted for doing to the Twist or Electric Slide or something. But the Macarena? The dance craze unleashed upon us 20-years ago by the One-Hit Wonder band Los Del Rio? Improper public behavior indeed.

PS- But then I saw the video and it is spectacular. I can’t hate this kid. Dance on, pudgy Saudi. Dance on.

On a related note . . .

The following is a letter sent in 1869 from Robert E Lee to David McConuaghy, a civic leader in Gettysburg at the time who was working to get statues and monuments built honoring the battles.

Read that last line again:

“I think it wiser moreover not to keep open the sores of war, but to follow the examples of those nations who endeavored to obliterate the marks of civil strife & to commit to oblivion the feelings it engendered.”

In other words, why risk sparking those feelings of hatred again with monuments and statues? And here we are 148-years later, and the statues are doing exactly what Robert E. Lee said they’d do – igniting feelings from a long ago war.

Fascinating stuff.

Namibian media say an elephant trampled and killed an Argentine who was in a group of hunters tracking a herd of elephants. The Namibia Press Agency said the hunter, identified as 46-year-old Jose Monzalvez, was killed on Saturday afternoon in a private wildlife area 43-miles northwest of the small town of Kalkfeld. The agency said Monzalvez, who worked for an oil company, was with another Argentine and three Namibians when he was killed. It says one of the elephants charged before the group was able to find a spot to aim and shoot.

No fair! No fair! The elephant didn’t give Jose Monzalvez time to find a spot to shoot! What kind of hunting rules are these Namibian elephants playing by, anyway? That’s bogus, man. Everyone knows the animal is supposed to just stand there while the hunter takes his time to murder it, man. Play by the rules, animals!

PS- This seems to be happening more and more. Animals, man. They’re fighting back. Next we’ll hear about a squirrel hunter getting a vein ripped out of his neck and bleeding out under a walnut tree.

PPS- Can’t wait.

 

LA Times – Residents of a Costa Mesa duplex were burning candles and sage to ward off evil spirits just before a fire broke out Tuesday night, fire officials said. Costa Mesa firefighters were called to the two-story duplex at 350 Avocado St. at 9:40 p.m., said fire Capt. Chris Coates. Coates suggested that residents monitor candles closely to help prevent a fire. “Anytime you have an open flame burning inside your residence, it can be very dangerous,” he said.

Man, nothing worse than trying to ward off evil spirits and burning your house down, huh? That’s a tough day right there. You’re already being haunted like you read about and then boom, things take a hard left turn and get worse. And Captain Chris Coates gives some sage advice, doesn’t he? Who knew that open flames can be dangerous? That’s stuff you can only learn at the Police Academy. Anyway, score one for the evil spirits I guess?

PS- Why do we only use “ward off” when discussing evil spirits? They’re basically the only thing we ward off.

PPS- Avocado Street is so L.A. it hurts.

ABC Network – A booze-pilfering, drunken, feral pig has caused chaos by running amok at an Australian campsite and starting a fight with a cow.

The belligerent porker went on a drunken bender after stealing and drinking three six-packs of beer that had been left out by campers at the DeGrey River campsite in Port Hedland, Australia.

In the series of events that followed the animal went on to ransack rubbish bin bags to find some late-night snacks before starting a fight with an innocent eyewitness cow.

Following the boarish rampage the pig decided to swim out into the middle of a river before collapsing drunk under a tree and falling asleep.

Ladies and gentlemen, every once in a awhile you come across a story that is so perfect, so splendid, so beyond compare that even a world-class blogger such as I cannot improve upon it. This, my friends, is one of those stories. Thank you and goodnight.

PS- Nothing worse than a pig who can’t handle his booze. Trust me, I’ve seen a few.

PPS- Also, those eyewitness cows aren’t always so innocent. Trust me . . . never mind.

Yep. Sam Kanizay’s legs.

Newsweek – Mysterious sea creatures that began eating a teenager’s legs in Australia were identified as “Sea Fleas” on Monday. The incident occurred near Melbourne on Saturday, when 16-year-old Sam Kanizay emerged from an evening dip in the ocean with his legs and feet covered in blood, the result of the considerable appetite of the flesh-eating tiny creatures. Unable to walk, the teenager was brought to a hospital suffering from “pin-sized holes” that were bleeding profusely.

At first, experts were left scratching their heads as to what the meat-loving animals these were. Then Kanizay’s father went back to the beach with a net full of meaty bait to attract the creatures, then filmed them. Thanks to his video, experts were able to confidently identify the creatures as Lysianassid Amphipods, a type of scavenger shrimp-like crustacean commonly known as “Sea Fleas.”

Hey, I’ve had a tough day today. Sparky hopped into my new car with muddy paws and I had to come back all the way back in the house to get a towel, then go all the way back out and wipe the seat and his paws off. I also have a blister on the little toe on my right foot from when I was working out because I forgot my socks. Anyway, I’m struggling with these burdens today. Somehow, I persevere, and reading this article made me feel a little better because, you know, at least I didn’t get my legs eaten by Sea Fleas.

Note: I guarantee every man who read this was thinking the exact same thing I was – thank God the Sea Fleas didn’t attack higher. Chills, man.

Note 2: Originally I was going to make fun of this kid for being a wuss, I really was. Come on, he couldn’t walk? Please. And then I saw this:

So some dude in Thailand apparently dangled a bowl of rice over a bear, teasing him by pulling it up and out of reach just as the bear reached for it. At some point Mr. Bear got fed up, grabbed the guy’s wrist, pulled him on down and went to town on him, just nibbling on him like a chew toy. You know, except with blood and stuff. I really hate to see people get hurt except when they’re messing with animals, then I’m highly amused by it. It’s really just a  form of natural selection, amirite? Weeding out the weak and whatnot? Enjoy.

PS- Unfortunately the guy is only in critical condition and not dead.

The internet has gone udderly wild for a Texas calf’s uncanny resemblance to Kiss frontman Gene Simmons. The baby cow, named Genie, was born on Friday at a ranch in Kerrville, Texas, and even likes to stick out its tongue like the rocker. Hill Country Visitor, a tourism agency that promotes the region of Texas Hill, shared the image on Facebook, joking that Simmons could be the father. Simmons himself was delighted, tweeting: “This is real, folks!!!” The bovine doppelgänger’s markings quickly drew comparisons to Simmons, who is famous for his long tongue and black-and-white face paint.

Let’s get this out of the way first – that cow looks nothing like Gene Simmons. Not even close. Face paint is all wrong. “Uncanny resemblance”? Uh, methinks not. And what cow doesn’t like to stick its tongue out? That’s what cows do. It’s pretty clear to me that Hill Country Visitor is working the whole tourism angle a little too hard with this scam, man. And what’s up with these shanksters suggesting Gene Simmons fathered a cow in the first place? That seems sort of rude.

PS- I also have a beef with writers who get cute with puns like “udderly wild.” That’s just cheap blogging technique right there. Not very well done. Of course, writers like myself are rare. Well, gotta get moooving.

PPS – I hate myself right now.

I wrote the blog below a few short days ago. Sadly, Anthony “Mooch” Scaramucci has been canned after 11-days on the job. Damn, this is a bummer for the blogging community. Mooch held so much promise, so many possibilities of blogs to come. Alas, he has been shit-canned. Rest in peace, Mooch. Rest in peace. On a related note, great to see the Trump administration is rolling along smoothly. Good Lord.

Wow. Just when I thought the Trump White House couldn’t get any wilder they get rid of Sean Spicer, who was an endless source of entertainment, and bring in Anthony Scaramucci, who is an absolute maniac. I mean, listening to this cat is like sitting by a longshoreman in Barnacle Billy’s on the Maine shoreline. This dude is outrageous, just speaking for the President of the United State’s like he don’t give a damn ’bout nuthin’. Check this out, from an interview with The New Yorker:

On White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus:

Reince Priebus — if you want to leak something — he’ll be asked to resign very shortly. Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac.”

Then, imitating Priebus:

Oh, Bill Shine is coming in. Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months.”

UPDATE: Trump just fired Priebus  The circus continues

On White House chief adviser Steve Bannon:

“I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock. I’m not trying to build my own brand off the fucking strength of the president. I’m here to serve the country.”

On talking about leaks (to a woman he knows is British:

If you’re an American citizen, they are a major catastrophe for the country. So I’m asking you as an American patriot to give me a sense of who leaked it. I’m going to fire every one of them, and then you haven’t protected anybody, so the entire place will be fired over the next two weeks. I fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people I’ll fire tomorrow. I’ll get to the person who leaked that to you.”

On killing leakers:

What I want to do is I want to fucking kill all the leakers and I want to get the President’s agenda on track so we can succeed for the American people.”

Man, even for Trump’s administration that’s strong stuff. It’s hard to fathom this guy is the actual White House Spokesman. Of course, you know the Trumpians will gobble it up. “He’s speaking like us! He’s a regular guy!” He doesn’t talk like a politician!” Well, they got that last one right. Yeesh.

I didn’t think I could be surprised anymore, but damn if The Donald didn’t do it.

PS – That guy who lives in the trailer on Upper Twin Road with “TRUMP” up in Christmas lights beside his Confederate Flag is gonna love Anthony Scaramucci , man.

(Source) — Elementary school students in one Florida school district are going to find a welcome new – but controversial – policy when they return to school for the 2017-18 school year next month: no traditional homework. They are being asked to do one thing to help them academically: Read for 20 minutes a minute a night. Heidi Maier, the new superintendent of the 42,000-student Marion County public school district in Florida, said in an interview that she made the decision based on solid research about what works best in improving academic achievement in students.

Listen, I don’t claim to know the research but it might surprise you to find out I don’t hate this. I know times have changed, but I never gave out much homework when I taught, and when I did I tried to leave time during class so I could help the students out myself. I think some of you parents will agree that there’s nothing worse than trying to help your kid with something you don’t understand yourself. That’s brutal, man. Back in my early years of teaching I knew teachers who would absolutely bury kids with 2-3 hours of homework every night. Made no sense to me. Anyway, that’s how I feel and I’m sticking to it. So there.

PS- After doing some research on this subject I found that this has been a growing trend in education for awhile now. Once again I was a man ahead of his time.

PPS- I’m also pretty sure I was one of the first to use rock music in the classroom during tests and stuff back in 1985. Now John Hopkins University is publishing articles about it. Boom.

Once again, nobody writes headlines like me. You’re welcome.

Police are hunting for a man who attacked five people with a chainsaw in the Swiss town of Schaffhausen. Franz Wrousis is alleged to have launched his assault at a health insurance office shortly after 10:30 local time (08:30 GMT). The attack sparked a manhunt involving more than 100 officers from both Switzerland and Germany. Police say the 51-year-old, who lives in the woods, is dangerous and believed to be still armed with the chainsaw. His exact motives are still not clear, but police Major Ravi Landolt told a news conference: “This is not an attack against a hypothetical person. This is clearly against people from the insurer.”

Whew. Glad Franz Wrousis was only going after a “hypothetical person” and not, you know, an “actual person.” Sure that meant a lot to the folks getting attacked by a man with a freaking chainsaw. But hey, you’d be a little edgy too if every time you had to fill in the address box on every freaking form you ever signed as “the woods.” Bummer, man. And I wonder how long it took the po-po to figure out they’d better list this guy as “dangerous.” Guess the chainsaw had something to do with that.

Anyhoo, just remember, kids. Chainsaws don’t kill people. People kill people.

PS- Is this his mug shot? Way to keep it simple, Switzerland.

This is the face you have when you sleep in a pile of leaves every night.

“Bring it on, bacon boy.”

Al.com– Hogs aren’t unusual in rural south Alabama, but Wade Seago said he’d never seen anything like the 820-pound animal he shot and killed in his front yard.

Seago told al.com that he and his daughter spotted the massive hog in their yard in Samson last week after the family’s pet schnauzer Cruiser started barking.

“Cruiser had this huge hog confused with all of the barking and movement,” Wade said.

So the man got his .38-caliber handgun and took aim. It took three shots to drop the hog, Seago said, and he later weighed it on scales at a peanut company.

Seago told NBC4 he didn’t fear for his life during the confrontation.

“I was watching out for the dog. I knew that I wasn’t going to allow a hog that size to hang around,” Seago said. “He didn’t rush me, but I didn’t really give him time.”

Who the hell do you think you’re fooling, Wade Seago? You clearly inserted yourself into a situation where you weren’t needed, son. It’s obvious to me that Cruiser the Schnauzer had this thing under control from the get-go. Shoulda let your loyal best friend handle the situation from the safety of your back porch. Cruiser woulda sent that porker to Louisiana in a heartbeat if you’d have minded your own damn business. Instead, now you’re the big hero and Cruiser is a pint-sized victim, for God’s sake, all so you can have a hog head on your wall. Pathetic, man.

PS- Nothing says rural Alabama like killing an 820-lb hog with a handgun and weighing it at the local peanut company.

A 38-year-old Jacksonville man accidentally shot himself in the penis when he sat down on his gun, a Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office report said. 

According to the sheriff’s report, Chilly Mangi’s girlfriend told police he was sitting outside his Freedom Crossing Trail apartment in a car before he ran inside in a panic.

His girlfriend approached him in the bathroom and saw that he had a gunshot wound. He said he accidentally set the firearm off when he sat on it in the driver’s seat.

She drove him to Memorial Hospital, where JSO impounded the vehicle for evidence. JSO did not say what type of gun was involved but did say the injury required immediate surgery.

Man, and you thought you were having a tough day, huh? Maybe you woke up with a headache, the wife is upset about that extra couple beers you had last night with the boys, things are a little tense around the house and whatnot? Well, this should make you feel better. You didn’t shoot yourself in the penis. Thank you and goodnight.

PS- Chilly Mangi would be the coolest name ever if you didn’t know he, you know, shot himself in the penis. 

Dreaming of kumquats.

NEW BRAUNFELS, TX (WCMH) – A Texas man with a history of sex acts involving vegetables was sentenced to life in prison Wednesday.

San Antonio Express-News reports Charles Ransier was sentenced to life in prison on charges of drug possession and tampering with evidence.

Ransier was charged after a Texas state trooper found him sitting in a pickup truck with meth-filled syringes, male enhancement pills, children’s clothing, rope, Barbie dolls, balloons, and a cooler of frozen cucumbers, the paper reported.

He was only wearing a pair of jeans and had melted candle wax on his chest, the Austin American-Statesman reported.

It was not Ransier’s first arrest involving a vegetable. In 2014, Ransier was arrested near a baseball field while “engaging in a deviant sex act” with a vegetable while wearing women’s stockings. And in 2012, he was found naked alongside a road committing a sex act “involving a squash.”

Listen, they may be going a little tough on Charles Ransier here. I mean, who hasn’t been caught sitting in a pickup truck with meth-filled syringes, male enhancement pills, children’s clothing, rope, Barbie dolls, balloons, and a cooler of frozen cucumbers while wearing only a pair of jeans and candle wax on their chest? That’s a normal Tuesday afternoon for most Texans, amirite? And hey, engaging in a deviant sex act with a vegetable while wearing women’s stockings or being found naked alongside a road while committing a sex act involving a squash? Nobody hurt here. Well, maybe the squash but still.

Seriously though, Charles Ransier? Batshit crazy, man.

Listen, there is NO WAY this kid wasn’t messing around up there on that ride. How fast was that Gondola going, like a mile per hour? She had to be goofing off, amirite? Unsnapped her seatbelt and was showing off or something? Maybe breakdancing, doing a handstand or something of that nature? The press is covering this as a feel-good story, and it was cool that the crowd caught her, but nobody is pointing out the obvious, that the kid was either incredibly stupid, reckless, or both. I want the truth, people!

Yeah, we’ve known for awhile.

Space.com – Many other planets throughout the universe probably hosted intelligent life long before Earth did, a new study suggests.

The probability of a civilization developing on a potentially habitable alien planet would have to be less than one in 10 billion trillion for humanity to be the first technologically advanced species the cosmos has ever known, according to the study.

“To me, this implies that other intelligent, technology-producing species very likely have evolved before us,” said lead author Adam Frank, a professor of physics and astronomy at the University of Rochester in New York.

Gee, ya think? Listen, I don’t know how much money was wasted on this “study”, but I could have told them this when I was 8-years old. My cousin Mel and I figured that out when we used to camp out on the ground in my back yard, man. You now how we figured it out? We looked up at the stars, and what we surmised was that space is big. Really big. No way we were alone in our own universe, much less whatever the hell else is out there. End of study. We’d lie there and think about it for awhile, then we’d get scared and go back in the house. Anywho, scientists, man. Just wasting money like you read about.

George Clooney is selling his tequila company Casamigos to Diageo for as much as $1 billion, the company said Wednesday.

Diageo said it will initially pay $700 million, with the potential for another $300 million based on the tequila’s performance over 10 years. The transaction is expected to close during the second half of 2017.

“If you asked us four years ago if we had a billion dollar company, I don’t think we would have said yes,” Clooney told CNBC via email. “This reflects Diageo’s belief in our company and our belief in Diageo. But we’re not going anywhere. We’ll still be very much a part of Casamigos. Starting with a shot tonight. Maybe two.”

It’s great to see George Clooney finally catching a break, huh? Dude’s struggled through life being an incredibly handsome movie star, dating models and hanging out with DiCaprio on yachts and whatnot. Now he’s selling a tequila company he started 4-years ago for $1-Billion, followed up by a couple shots.

Clooney, man. I’d hate that guy if I didn’t admire him so much.

 

Otto Warmbier.

NYP – Otto Warmbier, the University of Virginia student who was detained in North Korea for nearly a year and a half for stealing a propaganda poster, died Monday afternoon, days after he returned home in a coma, his parents announced.

Warmbier, 22, had been medically evacuated last week and was being treated at the University of Cincinnati Medical Center. His parents, Fred and Cindy Warmbier, did not specify the cause of death.

But they made clear in a written statement that they blamed North Korea for what happened. Their son was arrested in January 2016 at the end of a brief tourist visit to the isolated country.

Listen, I have to be honest here. First off, I hate to see anybody die so understand that. Still, it’s a little hard for me to agree with all these people calling for us to bomb North Korea for this horrendous act. Here’s my thinking. First off, if you want to visit a country with an unbalanced, clearly insane dictator like Kim Jong-un that’s your right. But you can’t expect to be treated like you’re treated in countries with stable leadership and democratic governments. I sort of relate this to those people who go hiking in India, accidentally wander into Pakistan, get arrested, and then start whining about human rights. What the hell did you expect, man? And when you go to North Korea and are dumb enough to steal a propaganda poster and get caught, well, I have trouble feeling sorry for you. Good God. Again, I feel badly for the guy’s family but he didn’t make the wisest move here. If you want to go overseas on vacation and make it home alive go to Switzerland or the Caribbean. Rant over.

PS- I’m not saying somebody shouldn’t take out Kim-Jong-un either, because that dude’s batshit crazy. 

UPDATE: This may actually be fake news because it hasn’t happened yet.

AOL: It hasn’t been a full 24-hours since the Warriors became the 2017 NBA champions on Monday night, and the Golden State team has already opted out of a visit to the White House.

Somebody’s about to catch Twitter hell.

2017 MVP Kevin Durant led the Warriors to their second title in three years on Monday night when Golden State took down LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers 129-120. According to several reports, the Warriors unanimously decided soon after their victory celebrations that they would not visit President Donald Trump at the White House to commemorate their championship win.

“NBA champion Warriors skipping the White House visit, as a unanimous team decision per reports,” CNBC’s Josh Brown tweeted on Tuesday morning.

This certainly lessens the sting a little, amirite fellow pansy-ass bleeding heart liberals? Well, they are from the wacky left coast, so that explains a lot. Unanimous, though. That’s a true team right there. Meanwhile, at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue . . .

 

I need to see more of this type of thing.