Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Courier Mail – Drivers are more careful driving with a cake than their own children, new research shows.

The data obtained by News Corp from YouGov Galaxy and NRMA Insurance involving more than 1000 people found 77% of men and 68% of women to have a high opinion of their driving skills. In addition, 50% of parents said they drive more carefully with children, and only 12% said they drive with caution when transporting something fragile like a cake in the car.

However, when put to the test in an 8-day experiment involving 20-parents, the study found 95% of the drivers improved their skills and driving when transporting a cake in comparison to driving a child or being alone in the car.

People are outraged about this but I can’t lie here. The results of this study surprise me in no way whatsoever. I mean, your kid is strapped in, amirite? Even if you have a fender bender little Bub will be just fine. But a cake? A cake is a whole other story. First off, a cake is usually for a special occasion, specially made, blah-blah-blah. You can’t just run back and get another one should it slide off the seat or flip over or something. Come on man. No brainer. People who drive recklessly with a cake in the car are out of their gourds.

PS- Plus, cakes are delicious.

A man by the name of Cody Bondarchuk has posted the following on the Twitter machine:

From Cody Bondarchuk’s Twitter account:

Cody Bondarchuk
@codybondarchuk
“I worked at McDonald’s for two and a half years and I put 11 nuggets in almost every 10-piece I ever made.”

7:27 PM · Nov 15, 2019Twitter for iPhone

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new American hero and his name is Cody Bondarchuk. 11-McNuggets per order over a  2 1/2 year period adds up to about $1,600 worth of McNuggets that this Man-God has bestowed upon humanity. I can think of few other humans who have given back to the community like Cody Bondarchuk has. God bless you my man. God bless you.

Yep. There they are.

Newsweek: A colony of up to 1-million Cannibal Ants trapped in a nuclear bunker for years have escaped, scientists in Poland have said.

The ants, which had no food source other than their dead nestmates, were first discovered in 2013 were found to be solely made up of worker ants meaning they could not reproduce—how their numbers grew so large was a mystery.

The team, led by Wojciech Czechowski, from the Museum and Institute of Zoology and the Polish Academy of Sciences, were carrying out a survey of bats living in an abandoned Soviet nuclear bunker when they came across the wood ants living in an ammunition bunker where nuclear weapons were once kept. The ants had no access to the outside world and appeared to have come from a nest above that was positioned over a ventilation pipe. When the ants fell down the pipe, they were entombed in the bunker.

However, after returning to the site two years later, scientists found the colony was not only still there, but that it had grown in numbers. This was despite there being no obvious food source, no heat and no light. A population estimate suggested there were at least 1-million ants living in the bunker.

In 2016, scientists found the colony was still there and the team set out to analyze its behavior. They installed a boardwalk that led to another ventilation pipe that the ants could use to escape the bunker. A year later, they returned to the site to find the colony had almost completely vanished. The team inspected the corpses that had been left behind and found bite marks and holes, mostly in the abdomen. This, they said, was evidence that the ants were eating their deceased nestmates in order to survive.

As far as I’m concerned Wojciech Czechowski of the Museum and Institute of Zoology and the Polish Academy of Sciences can go straight to hell. “Hey, check it out! A million Cannibal Ants trapped in a bunker! Let’s let them out!” Good God man. You had them right where you wanted them. Shoulda taken a flamethrower to those cannibals and called it a day. But nooooo. Now those things are going to spread from Poland to lay waste to Germany, swarm France, make one of those cool ant Living Rafts and land in Virginia Beach by New Year’s. Bottom line we’re all doomed thanks to our boy Wojciech. Sad really. Enjoy your next 7-weeks everyone. Happy Holidays!

New studies show that having a dog as an inside companion can lengthen your life by as much as 24%.

As many of you know I’ve decided to run for the Paint Valley Board of Education. As of a few days ago my petition was approved and I’ll be on the ballot. There are four people running for two open positions. The incumbents are Justin Immell and Deric Newland, who were both appointed, and they are being challenged by Blake Lloyd and myself, Dave Shoemaker.

I’m running because I care about our community. I care about our school. I care about our kids. I have a deep love for Paint Valley, and I’ve had it for the large majority of my life. I attended school in the Paint Valley district from 1st Grade until the day I graduated high school. I came back and taught in grades 5 through 8 from 1990 until 2013, coached varsity basketball from 1988 to 1996, then was asked to return and coached again from 2012 to 2018. I am the all-time winningest coach in Paint Valley basketball history, and I’m extremely proud of that. In addition, I served as the high school Athletic Director from 1996 until 2007 and was involved in the renovation of our facilities. I’ve also been a substitute teacher in the district from 2013 to the present. All-in-all I’ve been involved in education as a teacher/coach/athletic director/substitute for over 35-years, and 28 of those years have been spent serving the Paint Valley District proudly.

Much of my family has been involved in education, many at Paint Valley. My late mother Kathryn and my late sister Karen taught there, and my late friend and brother-in-law Don “Jigger” Anderson was a beloved principal at our school for 17-years. I was heavily influenced by all of them. I have several relatives who are educators too – Army, Mike, Todd, Josh, Angie, Linda, Rex, Deb, Lori, Terry, Cindy, Laura, and a few I’m sure I’m forgetting. Many of those I mentioned taught at Paint Valley, and countless former students and players of mine have chosen education as a profession  Many are administrators.

I’ve taught and coached thousands of Paint Valley students and athletes. I developed close relationships with many of them and have maintained many to this day. I still have close relationships with many on the teaching staff at Paint Valley as well as some of the administrators and support staffs. I know, appreciate and understand our district’s needs, and I understand how to open lines of communication between the school and community.

As a Paint Valley School Board member I believe communication between the school and community is crucial. Transparency, openness and honesty should be priorities. Community involvement and input is key. After all, it’s your school. A school board member shouldn’t have personal priorities or agendas, nor should they have axes to grind. They shouldn’t micro-manage or try and make decisions they’re not qualified to make. They should let the professionals do their jobs, becoming involved only when the welfare of our students and staff are in question.

And they should always, without fail, exhibit a dedicated commitment to the Paint Valley students, parents, teaching staff, support staff and community.

I care deeply for Paint Valley. To me, the right to be a school board member in a district I love is something I would consider an honor.

And that, members of the Paint Valley community, is why I’m running.

A gang leader in Brazil failed in a bid to escape jail disguised as his 19-year-old daughter.

Officials released photos showing Clauvino da Silva wearing a silicone mask, a long wig, glasses, jeans, and a pink T-shirt with donuts on it after being caught out. His escape attempt was thwarted when prison guards saw him acting nervously, the Associated Press reported.

In a video also released by Rio de Janeiro’s state secretary of prison administration, da Silva takes off the disguise and some of the clothes before saying his real name. The 42-year-old, also known as Baixinho, or “Shorty,” is serving a 73-year sentence for drug trafficking.

The plan was to just to walk out through the main door and leave his daughter in his cell.

Gotta give ol’ Shorty an A for effort I guess? Dude almost pulled it off except not really. It’s hard to slip out of the slammer looking like a mannequin though. And hey, how about those parenting skills? Little guy was planning on vamoosing and leaving his daughter in his cell. That’s hardcore. Father of the Year candidate for sure. Brazilian Drug Lords, man. Always pulling some sort of shenanigans.

PS- You know he thought the t-shirt with the donuts was just the thing to put his ensemble over the top.

UPDATE: Shorty is dead. He was found in his cell, the victim of an apparent suicide.

Forty-four tourists have been injured by a “tsunami” in a malfunctioning wave pool in China.

Videos of the incident published online show dozens of adults and children being smashed together after faulty equipment suddenly caused a giant wave to sweep through the attraction at Yulong Shuiyun Water Amusement Park in Lonmgjing.

Five people were still being treated in hospital on Tuesday for injuries such as fractured ribs, the South China Morning Post reported. 

Tsunami indeed. And the Yulong Shuiyun Water Amusement Park is aptly named, amirite? Water? Check. Amusement? Check. The only part they forgot was “horrifying” or perhaps “lethal.” That so-called wave went rogue and came crashing onto those poor folks like a ton of freakin’ bricks, man. And now that I think about it I don’t think this was caused by a malfunction. I’m guessing some minimum wage worker got fed up with the screaming brats and helicopter parents and decided to turn things up a notch or two. Or seven.

PS- Yes, China has minimum wage. It’s set by individual provinces. Boom. That sort of research by my crack staff is what separates this site from your ordinary average everyday run-of-the-mill website.

KelownaNow – A Vancouver Island resident is thanking heavy metal titans Metallica for her narrow miss with a cougar on Tuesday evening. Dee Gallant and her husky Murphy, were out for their usual evening stroll on a logging road just outside of Duncan, BC in the Cowichan Valley, when she said she felt “like something was watching” them. It wasn’t until the predator was creeping toward them that she realized what it was – a mountain lion.

Thinking quickly, Gallant took to her phone’s music library to try and find something that sounded the most human and most threatening, it was then that she landed on the track “Don’t Tread On Me” by Metallica. The minute the heavy metal music began, the mountain lion ran away.

Good thing Dee Gallant had another idea after that hissing sound she was making didn’t work, huh? Chick sounded like a kitty with a hairball or something. Anyway, good thing she didn’t play one of those hipster bands like Death Cab For Cutie, Foster The People or Bright Eyes. That cougar would’ve attacked, ripped her throat out, dismembered her and eaten her iPod without blinking an eye.

PS- What kind of a Husky just sits there quietly like that with a deadly predator stalking their owner? Sparky would have made the charge and gone to war for me without hesitation. 

PPS- The tune in question . . .

Newsweek- A man using a blowtorch to clear weeds in a mobile home community accidentally started a fire that forced dozens of residents to temporarily evacuate.

The blaze began Wednesday around 5:15pm in Green Oak Township, Michigan, about 50-miles from Detroit. According to Fire Chief Kevin Gentry, when firefighters arrived it had already spread to one trailer, and then another. In all three units were damaged.

Firefighters extinguished the flames in about about 20-minutes, but two propane tanks began leaking so severely the Livingston County Hazmat Team was called in.

Authorities are still investigating the incident and have not released any information about who was responsible.

So this guy’s weedeater was apparently broken down so he did what any Michigan Man would do – try to get rid of his weeds with a damn blowtorch, starting a fire that forced dozens of residents to evacuate. Michigan Men, huh? Always good for a few laughs, especially in late November.

PS- Seriously, they haven’t released a name yet but this sounds exactly like something Harbaugh would do, amirite? Haul out the ol’ blowtorch to trim the lawn and burn down three house trailers? 

PPS- 62-39.

PPPS-

 

Not Larry.

(CNN) Workers removing shelves and coolers from a No Frills Supermarket in Council Bluffs, Iowa, in January discovered a body behind one of them.

The remains were recently identified as those of Larry Ely Murillo-Moncada, a former employee who had been reported missing November 28, 2009.

Investigators used his parents’ DNA to confirm the identity, and the clothes matched the description of his attire at the time he was reported missing, according to Council Bluffs Police Capt. Todd Weddum.

Investigators now believe that Murillo-Moncada went to the supermarket and climbed on top of the coolers. The space was used as storage for merchandise, Weddum said, and employees would sometimes go there to hide when they wanted to take an unofficial break. He is thought to have fallen into the 18-inch gap between the back of the cooler and a wall, where he became trapped. Noise from the coolers’ compressors may have concealed any attempts to call for help, according to Weddum.

Man, talk about burying the lead. Sure, I can see a dead guy being overlooked behind a freezer. Not exactly an everyday occurrence but I guess it could happen. And I can sort of buy the theory that he couldn’t be heard over the noise of the compressors. Sort of. What I can’t buy is the fact that a guy lay rotting behind a cooler for 10-years and nobody smelled anything. Hey, I’ve smelled dead bodies before. It’s a pretty distinctive aroma, lemme tell ya. Hard to miss to put it mildly. And they said store employees were up there all the time? Doesn’t add up. Something smells fishy, dude.

PS- I tried to come up with a line about the store’s name but I couldn’t pull it off. No Frills + Dead Guy. There has to be a joke in there somewhere. 

PPS- “Frill” is one of those words we always use with “no.” Nobody ever says, “I want a lot of frills” or something like that. Weird.

Fox News – A seemingly intoxicated man went on a mini-rampage that included allegedly attacking a man with a box of pizza bagels and ended with him slapping a woman in a Wendy’s in Arkansas.

Roger Bridendolph is facing multiple charges after he allegedly had an altercation with dollar store employees in Springdale, Ark., and then ran into a nearby Wendy’s, where he slapped an employee.

Listen, I ain’t mad at Roger Bridendolph. We all have bad days. I mean, who amongst us hasn’t felt like going on a mini-rampage, having an altercation with Dollar Store employees and slapping a Wendy’s employee? But wasting a perfectly good box of Pizza Bagels? That’s over the line, man. Unforgivable really. That dude’s nuts.

PS- Now that I think about it I need more information. If that box was Annie’s Mini-Pizza Bagels Roger Bridendolph should fry.

Mmmm. Tasty.

NRK Radio- A 1-year-old explorer made an epic journey from Norway to Canada, covering 2,176-miles in 76-days. That young explorer was an Arctic fox. 

Scientists were left “speechless” by the fox’s journey, Greenland’s Sermitsiaq newspaper reports. Researchers from Norway’s Polar Institute had been tracking the young female fox on a GPS, according to BBC News. They freed her into the wild on the east cost of Spitsbergen, the main island of the Svalbard archipelago of Norway.

The fox started her journey in March, at just under a year old. She walked nearly 1,000-miles from the archipelago near the North Pole to Greenland. She completed this leg in just 21 days, then began the second part of her trek.

The fox then walked about 1,242-miles farther to Canada’s Ellesmere Island. The whole trek took her just 76-days, averaging about 28.4-miles a day. Some days, however, the ambitious fox walked over 96-miles.

No fox has been recorded traveling that far, that fast before.

Eva Fuglei, a research scientists at the Polar Institute, spoke to Norway’s NRK public broadcaster about the fox’s unlikely journey. “We couldn’t believe our eyes at first,” she said. “We were quite thunderstruck.”

This fox went much further than most others tracked before – it just shows the exceptional capacity of the little creatures. Researchers think the fox curled up in the snow to sit out the bad weather.

The fox could have traveled even farther, but scientists stopped tracking her when she reached Canada in February, because her transmitter stopped working, the Polar Institute said. 

96-miles in a day? That’s .67 miles per minute for a 20-pound animal the size of my dog Sparky. Thunderstruck indeed. And little dude did it by crossing large portions of the frozen freaking ocean, man. That’s intense. I wonder where she was going? Had to have some sort of purpose. You don’t make that journey without good reason. And it’s sad that her transmitter stopped working. We have no idea where she is now. Hell, she could be chillin’ on the beach on Prince Rupert Island for all we know. Animals, man. They never cease to amaze me.

Science Magazine- For the first time, the origin of a single radio pulse has been pinpointed to a distant galaxy several billion light years away, a new study said.

The “fast radio burst” – a very short-lived pulse of radio waves that comes from across the universe – has been identified as originating from a Milky-Way-sized galaxy some 3.6 billion light-years away.  

“This is the big breakthrough that the field has been waiting for since astronomers discovered fast radio bursts in 2007,” said study lead author Keith Bannister of Australia’s Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation.

“If we were to stand on the moon and look down at the Earth with this precision, we would be able to tell not only which city the burst came from, but which postcode and even which city block,” he said.

As for what the bursts are, ideas range from a rotating neutron star to a high-powered signal from an advanced civilization.

I love how the the folks at Science Magazine casually drop that H-Bomb in the very last sentence. Yeah, it could be a rotating neutron star, maybe some dark matter, perhaps a black hole, or possibly a high-powered signal from an advanced civilization. Seriously, you know it’s coming someday, right? It’s going to be just like in movies like The Day the Earth Stood Still and War of the Worlds. Just destruction like you read about and aliens vaporizing humans left and right. Appreciate life while you can, kids. You never know when it’s going to end.

Blog Bonus:

Here are my Top 10 aliens invading earth movies. Enjoy . . .

  1. Invasion of the Body Snatchers – Incredible ending. Chilling as hell.
  2. The Day the Earth Stood Still – Watched it again the other day. Still holds up.
  3. War of the Worlds – Original only please. Sorry Tom Cruise.
  4. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial – I know. Not scary. Still excellent.
  5. Pacific Rim – Reminded me of a Japanese B-movie. Loved it.
  6. Close Encounters of the Third Kind – Classic.
  7. Mars Attacks! – As only Tim Burton could make it.
  8. The Thing From Another World – From 1951. Oldie but goodie.
  9. The Rocky Horror Picture Show – Perfect 80’s adaptation of the musical. Very weird.
  10. Independence Day – Where Randy Quaid steals the movie from Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum.

Just kidding. He looks awful. Read on . . .

Siberia- A man allegedly found alive in a bear’s den a month after the beast attacked him and dragged him to its lair survived by drinking his own urine, according to reports in Russia. Named only as Alexander, the victim is said to have been severely injured and close to death when hunting dogs found him in Russia’s remote Tuva region. The emaciated man was reportedly rushed to hospital where medics discovered he’d broken his spine after being set upon by the brown bear.

He is said to have told doctors that the predator had overpowered him  – then tossed him in its den where it kept him for a month. According to the Siberian Times, Alexander explained: “The bear preserved me as food for later. I drank my own urine to survive.”

A group of Russian hunters found Alexander after their dogs barked and refused to move on from a bear’s den they passed in the forest, it’s reported. When the hunters checked inside the lair they apparently saw what they believed to be a “human mummy” – until they realized he was alive.

Listen, I was fully prepared to pooh-pooh Alexander’s story. After all, no website can pooh-pooh a story like Shoe: Untied, amirite? That is, until I saw that photo. That, my friends, is a man who’s been kept in a bear’s den for 30-days. No way to fake that. End of argument.

Note: The Siberian Times sounds like a great newspaper to work for, huh? Just reporting on people freezing to death, bear attacks and vodka overdoses on the daily.

Note 2: Is anyone surprised who saved Alexander? Dogs, because of course they did. Cats would have waited until the bear ate him and feasted on the scraps. 

Note 3: There are now reports this is indeed a hoax. Why does somebody always have to try and ruin a good story?

Ass. Holes.

Ass. Holes.

Two former Alabama college athletes have been arrested after they allegedly beat a duck with baseball bat and left it for dead after attending a party. Thomas ‘Landon’ Grant and Jacob Frye, both 19, are accused of taking the white Muscovy duck from a pond at Central Alabama Community College in Alexander City following the gathering of baseball players on campus. The pair beat it with the bat, then took it to a nearby apartment where they decided to ‘put it out of its misery’, according to a police report.

The coach who found the duck contacted officials at the school which led to a criminal police investigation.

It’s not clear if the players remain on the team or if they have faced disciplinary action by the university.

The duo was booked into Tallapoosa County Jail on the same charge Friday, according to Detective Robert Oliver.

You guys know me. No way I’m gonna try and make anything humorous about this. Hell, I stopped my car to help a damn turtle cross the road on 41 south during my drive back from the friendly little town of Peebles, Ohio, today.* But these two freakshows? They can go straight to hell for all I care. I wonder if that made them feel like tough guys, killing a little animal? And show me a kid who kills animals for kicks and I’ll show you a future Jeffrey Dahmer. That’s science. And kudos to the coach who found the duck and turned these assholes in. Give that dude a raise. But Thomas Grant and Jacob Frye? Fry ’em for all I care.

*That was sarcasm. Some of you get it.

PS- I’m not anti-hunting. I don’t hunt but I get it. But this? No punishment is enough in my opinion.

PPS- I’m actually sort of surprised this is against the law in Alabama because you know, Alabama.

Sweet ride.

WALHALLA, S.C. (AP) — A South Carolina woman who police say was driving drunk will not be cited with a DUI because her vehicle of choice was a toy truck. News outlets quote police as saying that instead they charged 25-year-old Megan Holman with public intoxication. They say they spotted her cruising down the road in a Power Wheels electric toy truck after a caller reported a suspicious person on the street. Officers say she was driving about a mile from her home in Walhalla when they stopped her.

What an injustice. Listen, I ain’t mad at Megan Holman. Not at all. I mean, who amongst us hasn’t had a couple barley pops and took our Fisher Price Power Wheels Electric Toy Truck out for a spin? No harm no foul, amirite? And what about the fun hating narc who called the po-po? That’s no way to live your life, ruining other folk’s good times. Get a life, random snitch. Free Megan Holman! Free Megan Holman!

PS- I’ve been to Walhalla, South Carolina. There’s a 90% chance Megs was heading to Triple Ds out on Highway 11.

PPS- Xzempt is playing there Friday. Road trip! 

PPS- Of course you shouldn’t drive anything drunk. Chill.

NYP- A superhuman group of adolescents broke the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday, with eight contestants crowned co-champions after the competition said it was running out of challenging words.

It was a stunning result, coming just after midnight Thursday, for the 92nd annual event, which has had six two-way ties but had never before experienced such a logjam at the top. After the 17th round, Jacques Bailly, the event’s pronouncer, announced that any of the eight remaining contestants who made it through three more words would share in the prize.

“We do have plenty of words remaining in our list, but we’ll soon run out of words that will challenge you,” Mr. Bailly told the contestants at Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Md.

He added: “We’re throwing the dictionary at you. And so far, you are showing this dictionary who is boss.”

Are you kidding me? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? An 8-way tie? And what’s this “running out of words” bullshit? Newsflash: There are always more words. Hey Scripps National Spelling Bee, you want to crown a true champion? Play this thing out until you have a winner. I don’t care if it lasts 3-days and kids are passing out left and right up there. Hell, give them a 10-minute break every 8-hours to eat a Caramel Nut Blast or something, but we have to have one winner, not eight. How can you call yourself a true champion if you’re tied with seven other nerds contestants? That’s lame, man.

PS- Someday soon we’ll stop March Madness or the NFL Playoffs at 8-teams and give everybody a damn trophy. Somebody make it stop.

PPS- The words are getting too easy anyway. Here’s what 14-year old Erin Howard, 14, of Huntsville, Alabama had to spell for her final word: erysipelas. Please.

PPPS- No Scripps National Spelling Bee blog can be complete without this gem. Hey Homeschool, never celebrate too early brother.

Early leader for 2019 Father of the Year.

PORTLAND, Ore. (KOIN) — A Forest Grove man pleaded guilty after admitting he stole his daughter’s Girl Scout Cookie proceeds to pay for an erotic massage. 

Brian David Couture was ordered to do 80-hours of community service and pay restitution for filing a false report. Couture called police on March 6, 2019, saying a stranger had come into his home through the sliding glass door and fought him.

The Washington County District Attorney’s Office said Couture’s laptop was damaged and $700.00 was missing from a jar of his daughter’s Girl Scout Cookie sales.

Nice try by Brian David Couture, huh? Dude gave it a hell of a shot. I mean, it took some major cojones to burgle $700.00 from his daughter’s Girl Scout Cookie money jar and then blame an intruder. I really don’t think the whole “I fought the intruder” shtick was necessary, but I guess he was trying to play the hero for little Emily. Hell, he even sacrificed his laptop to make the break-in more believable. Brian David Couture, man. 2019 Father of the Year.

PS- I brought my A game with that headline, amirite?

PPS- I’ve never had an erotic massage (well, professionally anyway) but 700 clams seems pretty steep no matter what sort of service you’re getting.

PPPS- It’s 80-20 Robert Kraft has contacted this guy for more information.

Yep, that’s three alright.

New York Post- A bizarre snake with a third eye smack dab in the middle of its head was found this week by park rangers on a highway in Darwin.

Members of the Northern Territory Parks and Wildlife found the juvenile 15-inch-long belly-crawler on the Arnhem Highway near the town of Humpty Doo, the wildlife agency wrote in a Facebook post.

First off, of course the three-eyed snake was found in Australia, and of course it was found in Darwin. You can’t make this stuff up, kids. Secondly, a town named Humpty Doo is so Australia it hurts. Finally, and I probably should have mentioned this first, we’re all doomed. If a three-eyed snake isn’t a symbol of the end of times I don’t know what is. Have a good weekend everybody!

Woodstock 50 has been cancelled. Earlier today officials with Dentsu Aegis Network, which is funding the festival, released the following statement to Billboard:

“Despite our tremendous investment of time, effort and commitment, we don’t believe the production of the festival can be executed as an event worthy of the Woodstock Brand name while also ensuring the health and safety of the artists, partners and attendees.”

The statement goes on, “As a result and after careful consideration, Dentsu Aegis Network’s Amplifi Live, a partner of Woodstock 50, has decided to cancel the festival. As difficult as it is, we believe this is the most prudent decision for all parties involved.”

Big shocker here, huh? This is so 2019 it hurts. “A event worthy of the Woodstock Brand name?” BWAHAHAHAHA! They realize the original Woodstock was held in a torrential downpour, without adequate lodging or toilet facilities, little medical staff, and everyone in attendance was risking death by electrocution, correct? Still, the show went on. Hell, people gave birth in the mud, muck and human waste as Hendrix, Joplin, The Band, The Who, CCR and others rocked on.

Good God, man. 2019, 1969 if laughing in your face right now.

Note 1: Promoter Michael Lang, does not agree Woodstock 50 is sunk. He says Dentsu’s announcement was a “complete surprise,” but adds “we’re not giving up on the festival yet.”

Note 2: Does Fyre Fest really have people that skittish? Sad really.

Note 3: Have you ever really taken a hard look at the original Woodstock 3-day lineup? Sweet Mother of Rock. And these bands are just the highlights:

Friday:

  • Richie Havens
  • Ravi Shankar
  • Arlo Guthrie
  • Joan Baez

Saturday

  • Country Joe & the Fish
  • Santana
  • John B. Sebastian
  • Canned Heat
  • Mountain
  • Grateful Dead
  • Creedence Clearwater Revival
  • Janis Joplin
  • Sly & the Family Stone
  • The Who
  • Jefferson Airplane

Sunday

  • Joe Cocker
  • Ten Years After
  • The Band
  • Johnny Winter
  • Blood, Sweat & Tears
  • Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
  • Paul Butterfield Blues Band
  • Jimi Hendrix

 

The eyes. You can always see it in the eyes.

Sometimes the headlines just write themselves, ya know? Anyway . . .

Jacqueline Ades, a woman accused of sending a man she went out on a date with once and then sending him more than 159,000 text messages and breaking into his home doesn’t understand why she’s in jail. She also wants to go to trial b,ecause she believes that a jury will not only find her not guilty, they will insist that she marry the man she stalked.

In a recent phone interview with The Arizona Republic, Ades expressed disbelief that she’s been incarcerated since May 2018 after authorities charged her with sending thousands of text messages, many of them very disturbing, over the course of 10-months, ending with her arrest in the man’s home as she was taking a bath.

Ades, who was deemed mentally incompetent at a Rule 11 hearing in March, amazingly, could have actually been released from jail several months ago, according to her attorney Matthew Leathers, if she had just accepted a plea deal which included time served, 10-years probation, and being barred from contacting the victim. However, Ades told The Republic she refused to take the deal because she didn’t believe it was real. She thought it might be the victim’s way of testing her resolve, she said.

Ades said she wants to go to trial, where she’s positive the jury will not only find her not guilty, but will order her and the man she’s accused of stalking to marry her.

Listen, I’ve seen a stalker or two in my day but this lady takes the cake. 159,000 text messages? I did the math and you’d have send 500 texts a day for 318 days to get to 159,000. That’s a whole other level of cray right there, man. And what’s the deal with people breaking into a house and taking a bath? I’ve read about this phenomenon several times. Seems odd. Then again, anyone who would text somebody 159,000 times after one date goes by their own set of rules I guess. And how about the poor schmuck who went out with her? Dude meets a woman on a dating site, takes her out for a nice dinner and the next thing you know he has a full blown screwball on his hands. Anywho, Jacqueline Ades? Batshit crazy.

PS- I listed some examples of the times I’ve been stalked, harassed, or otherwise threatened with bodily harm in this post. Such is the life of a world famous blogger.

My 25 Most Controversial Blogs

Good stuff.

A new species of crab that’s the size of a quarter with big, bug eyes has been discovered and it is freaky as all holy hell. Scientists are calling the crab “the strangest crab that’s ever lived” and that would be 100% accurate. This dude had a mismatch of body parts, like a Frakencrab or something. Scientists say it was no bigger than a quarter with bent claws, big eyes, an exposed tail and leg-like mouth parts. Wait. What? Anywho, Callichimaera Perplexa.

Paris, TX- A runaway cow led Texas police on a miles-long chase through city streets and was caught on video hurdling over a pedestrian.

The Paris Police Department said the young cow made a run for it while being loaded into a sale barn and police were called to help chase the runaway animal.

A police dashboard camera recorded the cow running at a high speed through the streets, and running directly into a pedestrian. The man was knocked to the ground, and the cow jumped over him. The man wasn’t seriously injured, police said.

Police said the cow managed to give officers the slip and was on the loose for more than 24-hours before it was hit by a car and killed.

Well, that article certainly took a dark turn at the end, didn’t it? It went from being a heartwarming story of a fearless young cow escaping slaughter to lead a life on the run, roaming the fields and plowing over unsuspecting pedestrians to a story about a cow’s grisly death at the hands of a family in a 2003 Subaru Outback. That’s way too sad, man. Anyway, I know that 24-hours was worth it. Sleep well, young cow. Sleep well.

PS- Watch the video. Dude gets absolutely trucked.

A Minnesota sheriff’s office encountered a couple of true road hogs earlier this week.

A driver who was pulled over for having trouble staying in his lane turned out to be operating the vehicle with a 250-pound pig on his lap, Sgt. Jason Foster told Minneapolis news station KMSP-TV.

In the post, the sheriff’s office noted that its officers have encountered plenty of drivers distracted by things like cellphones, food or changing the radio station, but catching someone driving with a lap pig “was a first.” 

The man’s erratic driving was apparently caused by the pig leaning against the steering wheel.

Foster told the TV station that the man had a pig on his lap because he was moving to another part of the state and didn’t want the pig to get cold on the journey. The sergeant let the driver off with a warning.

Listen, I have no beef with this driver. Just take a look at that guy hamming it up in the photo. Can’t blame him for hogging the front seat. He’s adorable. Nothing wrong with wanting to keep him warm. And kudos to the cops for letting the driver off with a warning. That was quite a twist in the tale, man. But really, who amongst us hasn’t driven with a pig on our lap?
PS- Try as I might I couldn’t come up with a “pig in a blanket” line even though this story involved keeping a pig warm. I’m off my game, man.

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