Archive for the ‘News’ Category

What can I say, some headlines just write themselves . . .

BYRON, Ill. — Ten football players at a Northern Illinois high school were suspended from the team for three games last month after they ran across the field naked with Oreo cookies wedged between their buttocks. The Rockford Register Star reports that the Byron High School players were suspended for indecent exposure after school administrators concluded they went on the “Oreo Run” at the school’s football field voluntarily and were not victims of hazing.

Well, isn’t this a crummy story. Listen, I couldn’t care less that a bunch of football players were involved in some homo-erotic team tradition. Hey, to each his own. What does bother me is that perfectly innocent Oreos were involved. Delicious Oreos are made to be eaten, not double-stuffed into a tight end. That’s abuse of a delicious snack treat, my friends.

PS- I heard one of the guys lost the filling in his ass. That’s unfortunate.

PPS- That “double stuffed into a tight end” line is what separates me from your ordinary bloggers, kids.

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See what I did there?

Washington Post: A Texas mother is calling out a Southwest Airlines employee who she said mocked her 5-year-old daughter’s name and then posted a picture of the small child’s boarding pass on social media.
Traci Redford told ABC affiliate KABC her daughter’s name is Abcde, which is pronounced “ab-si-dee.”

Redford said the incident occurred when she and her daughter were preparing to board a flight from Santa Ana, Calif., home to El Paso, Tex. Redford told the station that a gate agent at California’s John Wayne Airport saw Abcde’s name and started pointing, laughing and talking to other employees about Redford and her child.

Southwest Airlines has since apologized, saying that the social media post is “not indicative of the care, respect, and civility” that the airline requires from its employees.

Here’s the deal. If you name your kid Abcde you should not only expect her to be mocked, you should expect her to be belittled, razzed, teased, disparaged, scorned, roasted, bad-mouthed and pooh-poohed. What are you going to name your next kid, Fghijk? Then Lmnopq? The mind reels, man.

PS- Seriously, why do people try so hard to come up with unique names for their kids? Every time little Blayde or Hayzil or Aliviyah gives someone their name at a bank or hotel they’re going to have to spell it out for the rest of their lives. Little Max, Sam or Hank? Not so much. Time saved, baby.

PPS- Turns out Abcde is not that unique. A little Googling reveals that an Abcde Zoller plays soccer for the University of Hawaii at Hilo, and an Abcde de Coito teaches Zumba classes in the Aloha state. The site NameCandy also suggests the name may also be relatively common in New Mexico and among Latino families. Huh. Who knew?

These are the young men of Baraboo High School in Wisconsin. They are posing on the steps of the county court house before their prom last Spring. And yes, most of them are giving the Nazi salute. How, I ask you, has blatant racism become so acceptable for some people in 2018? How could anyone think this is OK? Hell, by the looks on their faces they seem to find themselves hilarious. I ask you, who has enabled racists to become so damn brazen?

Click to see the faces of bigots up close.

PS- It’s Trump. The person I’m talking about is Trump.

TUSCUMBIA — Police say warrants are expected to be issued today for a Birmingham man who fell through the ceiling of a Tuscumbia restaurant Sunday during a botched burglary.

Detective Sgt. Wes Holland said police are searching for Wesley Glenn Bost, 27, who fell through the ceiling of Waffle House on U.S. 72.
He said the warrants are for first-degree criminal mischief and burglary.

“He was trying to break into the office of the restaurant by going through the ceiling of the bathroom,” Police Chief Tony Logan said. “Apparently, he made a wrong step and he fell into the dining area.” Logan said the man had used his pants to tie up the door of the bathroom to keep anyone from coming in. Logan said it is believed Bost was on drugs when he fell into the dining area with nothing but his underwear on. “Some of the people inside tried to grab him when he fell into the dining room but he escaped.”

Exciting night at the Waffle House, huh? One minute you’re sitting there enjoying dinner and the next a pantsless man plummets through the ceiling into your Chocolate Chip Waffle. That blows, man. And what the hell, Wesley Glenn Bost, they don’t have locks on the bathroom doors in Tuscumbia, Alabama?

PS- How do you tie a door shut with your pants? Anybody?

PPS- I tried to work a “he escaped by the seat of his pants” in there but I couldn’t figure it out.

PPPS- While my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied was researching this article they found that the Tuscumbia town slogan is “Charm of the Shoals.” I like it.

PPPPS- I swear to God it took me 10-minutes to figure out which was correct, “pantsless” or “pantless.” FYI: Turns out both are acceptable.

PPPPPS- This gives me an excuse to run this classic:

 

 

If this doesn’t make you laugh you are a heartless, empty-souled sub-species of a humanoid who lacks emotions of any kind. That’s science.

A scientist plunged a kitchen knife into his colleague as he was fed up with the man telling him the endings of books, say investigators.

Sergey Savitsky, 55, and Oleg Beloguzov, 52, would pass the lonely hours during four harsh years together in a remote outpost in Antarctica by reading.

However Savitsky became angry after Beloguzov kept telling him the endings, it has been claimed.

Daily Record reports that the victim is now in intensive care with a knife injury to his heart.

He was flown from Russia’s Bellingshausen research station on King George Island to Chile following the alleged attack.

No way Sergey Savitsky can be convicted, amirite? I mean, if anyone ever deserved a knife to the heart it’s Oleg Beloguzov. What kind of an evil ne’er-do-well would keep telling his buddy how books ended while living in a remote outpost for 4-years in Antarctica? Dude was asking for it. That’s cold, man (pun intended).

PS- No way I’d work on a Russian outpost in Antarctica. I saw The Thing, man.

Hey, it’s Monday. Tough day for all of us. Some of us may have gone a little hard whilst watching football yesterday, who knows? Long week ahead and whatnot. But guess what? At least you weren’t standing on a sidewalk when a gaping chasm of death suddenly opened up below you, sucking you into a murky hellhole of concrete, dust and steel rebar. I’m pretty sure I caught a glimpse of the Angel of Darkness amidst that dust. Chills, dude.

LaDue, MO: A St. Louis mother has filed a federal lawsuit, claiming that a soccer coach’s decision to cut her son from the junior varsity team was age discrimination.

The suit claims the soccer coach told the boy’s mom that he was “right on the bubble” of making the team, but that there were too many kids who had a better soccer skill and soccer IQ than him. The coach also wasn’t willing to put the boy on junior varsity again.

The mother and stepfather complained to the school, but they eventually supported the coach’s decision.  The teen’s mom claims her son will face “irreparable harm” if he’s not put on the team.

A judge is expected to make a decision in the case on Monday.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Age discrimination? For realz? Listen, any coach with a brain in their skull will tell you that if two players are of equal talent the younger one usually plays. That’s just common sense, right? Because you’re going to have them longer and they’ll have more of a chance to develop? Bueller? Bueller? Anybody? And sorry kid, but I guarantee your coach was being kind when he said you were “on the bubble.” Newsflash: You were not on the bubble. You were under the bubble. Perhaps nowhere near the bubble. In fact, there were not only “too many kids with better soccer skills” than you, but they also had better soccer IQs. This means you don’t understand how to soccer, dude.

But you know the worst part of this story? The worst part is that mommy squandered a perfect life lesson for this kid, like, you know, work harder to achieve your goals, rewards are earned and not given, stuff like that. I can’t wait until this kid is passed over for a promotion at work when he’s 27 and mom tries to sue his boss. Good stuff, man. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times – how in the world can a kid learn to deal with adversity if mommy and daddy are going to jump in and save them every time they face it?

UPDATE: The judge threw the case out of court, stomped on it, spat upon it and was seen laughing uncontrollably as he skipped away. Good job, judge.

PS- I can totally name some parents who would do this, but I’ll save it for my upcoming blockbuster blog. Stay tuned.

See how my people censored the photos? Crack staff indeed.

Toronto, Canada: Visitors were enjoying a monthly jazz night at Ripley’s Aquarium, in Toronto, Canada, last Friday when a man decided to skinny dip. He didn’t seem to have a worry in the world despite being circled by two sharks. Onlookers seemed equally shocked by his foolishness and nakedness. Security at the aquarium were not pleased with his antics and a video showed them telling him to get out. The exhibitionist seemed to be following their orders but inexplicably dived back into the water moments later. Guards made sure they secured him when he got out again and escorted him away.

Oh my. Where to start? First of all, I think it should be posted at all zoos and aquariums that if you enter a wild animal habitat you are 100% on your own. No discussion, no debate. No other human should be subjected to danger because of your stupidity. Secondly, I’m sure glad that security was “not pleased with his antics.” Had they been pleased they’re probably not very good at securitying. I’ll also pat the onlookers on the back for being “shocked by his foolishness and nakedness.” Seems like an appropriate reaction. Finally, why do crazy people take their clothes off before doing something crazy? There has to be some psychological reason for this, no?

PS- Jazz night indeed.

For the 7% of you out there who still watch major league baseball, you know the playoffs are in progress as we speak. The Dodgers are playing the Brewers, and last night some doofus named Manny Machado loafed to first base on a routine ground ball to the shortstop. Then, after the game he said this:

Obviously I’m not going to change, I’m not the type of player that’s going to be ‘Johnny Hustle,’ and run down the line and slide to first base and … you know, whatever can happen. That’s just not my personality, that’s not my cup of tea, that’s not who I am.”

Uh, OK. We get it. You don’t hustle. You don’t work hard. You’re lazy. You know, because that’s not “who you are” and not your “cup of tea.” I swear to God when I heard the interview on the radio I thought it was a Saturday Night Live parody. On a related note, Manny Machado makes $16-million a year to play baseball.

PS- As a free agent for 2019, he is expected to sign a contract in excess of $400-million. Sigh.

A dog bit off a man’s testicles and penis in a horrific attack at flat in East Lothian.

The 22-year-old was found unconscious in a pool of blood next to an Old English Bulldog, which was also covered in his blood. Police were confronted with the horrific scene when they were called to the property in Haddington on Sunday afternoon.

The man was rushed to Edinburgh’s Royal General Infirmary where he remains unconscious and in serious condition, reports the Daily Star.

The dog was taken to police kennels until the exact circumstances of the attack are known.

So you think you’re having a tough day, boys? Boss being a little rough on you? Wifey giving you a hard time? Kids being little assholes again? Hey, look at the bright side, at least you didn’t get your penis and testicles bitten off by an Old English Bulldog. Yikes.

PS- Man, nothing grabs your attention like that opening sentence, huh? Every man who read it immediately winced, crossed their legs and covered their junk with both hands. 

PPS- I guarantee this guy was doing something weird, like flashing his goods in front of the dog or something. Ol’ Gus probably thought it was a squeaky toy or chew stick or something. Maybe a Vienna Sausage. Hey, he was British.

PPPS- I have no idea if the dog’s name was Gus. It just seems like an Old English Bulldog name. That or Max.

Nobody writes titles like me. You’re welcome.

Philadelphia: A Philadelphia museum is pleading with thieves to bring back its bugs. In all, 7,000 insects, arachnids and lizards disappeared from the Philadelphia Insectarium and Butterfly Pavilion last week. And they didn’t creepy-crawl themselves out of the building on their own. According to a New York Times report, police have zeroed in on three suspects, all current or former museum employees. The report cites security footage showing thieves slipping out of the building with large plastic containers. And inside those containers? An estimated $50,000 worth of giant African mantises, bumblebee millipedes, warty glowspot roaches, tarantulas, dwarf and tiger hissers, and leopard geckos. 

Holy shit man! Giant African Mantises? Tiger Hisses? WARTY GLOWSPOT ROACHES? RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! And doesn’t this sound like the beginning to a movie on the SyFy Channel? Bandits steal poisonous insects, insects escape, insects mutate into a marauding swarm of venomous killers, everyone in Philly dies. Then the hero lures them all into an underground tunnel and incinerates them, but in the last scene we see a few who survived, living in some little boy’s mason jar in his bedroom. Chilling.

PS- There’s a black market for bugs? That’s wild, man.

Newsweek Online: According to scientists, the end of the world may come sooner than we thought due to colliding gravitational waves that would cause the Earth to be sucked into a black hole. 

Gravitational waves are invisible ripples in space which travel at the speed of light. The most powerful of these waves occur when objects move very quickly, for instance when two big stars orbit each other or two black holes orbit one another and merge. Such waves are often compared to the circular ripples which emerge when a stone is dropped in water. However, if a particle or object travels at the speed of light, flat gravitational waves can result. If such an event were to occur, and if the waves were big enough, the subsequent collision would create a black hole with a gravitational field that not even light would be able to escape from it. Literally everything would be sucked into it, including earth.

Well, hell. If it’s not one thing it’s another. Asteroids heading our way, Nazis everywhere, racism running rampant, conspiracy theorists running amok, an orange, nutcase tweeting president who’s inciting civil war if the upcoming elections don’t result in his favor, man it’s getting crazy all up in here. Now we have the possibility of a damn black hole sucking in everything from the Sun to the round (or flat, that’s another issue we’re dealing with) home we call Earth. And hey, we all know if the Earth goes you can kiss Uranus goodbye. That’s just science.

PS- The earth is going to be swallowed up and incinerated when the sun inevitably becomes a giant red star in 5-billion years anyway, so whatevs.

PPS- I’ve said this before but I have no idea how I’d act if they told us we had a week left. I’d like to think I’d go out with class and dignity, but there are a couple folks to whom I might pay a visit. Just sayin’.

PPPS- Uranus jokes never get old.

Once again the Simpson’s have predicted the future.

 

 

 

Aw. Look at Marshmallow.

Wilmette, IL: Just after returning home from a walk around the block with her dog, Marshmallow, an 8-year-old Wilmette girl expected a visit from a playmate. Instead, police officers arrived at the family’s door. An anonymous caller had contacted police after seeing the girl walking the dog alone, said her mother, Corey Widen. The seemingly common activity launched an Illinois Department of Children and Family Services investigation to see if Widen was neglecting her children. Widen said the girl’s walk around the block — most of which Widen says she can see out her windows — is the only time her daughter is unsupervised. 

Oh for the love of God. When I was a 8-years old I used to get up and leave the house without telling anyone, come home for a can of Vienna sausages at lunch, leave the house, come back at 6:00pm for supper, then Mom would tell me to come back when the street lights came on.  She had no idea what the hell I was doing when I was gone. My only rules were to stay out of Paint Creek, don’t get into a car with a stranger and don’t go into old widow Snodgrass’s house over on North Alley Street. In today’s world an 8-year old can’t even take her dog Marshmallow for a walk. Sadly, the Wussification of America is alive and well.

Note: Sanity prevailed. The Police never pursued charges. 

You’re never too old to rock out. Two elderly German men proved this to be true when they snuck out of their nursing home to attend the Wacken Open Air music festival, which is considered the biggest heavy metal festival in the world. The men didn’t go unnoticed, however, as the nursing home called the police to report them missing. Police finally found the two headbangers 25-miles from their nursing home at the music festival at about 3 a.m. where Merle Neufeld, a police spokesperson, told the press they were “disoriented and dazed.” 

First of all, Merle Neufeld, the phrase is “dazed and confused.” Get it right, dumbass. Secondly, what the hell, man? These heavy metal bros weren’t in jail, they were in a damn nursing home. If they want to go rock out to Warpig or Rammstein I say let ’em rock, man. No need to get the po-po involved. Just be careful to not, you know, snap a fibula or slip a disc or something.

A rampaging herd of mysterious goats has appeared out of nowhere to run roughshod over a Boise, Idaho neighborhood, eating everything in sight like a mass adorable swarm of locusts. Nobody knows from whence they came, but they apparently made a break for it from somewhere and are on the lam. Eventually the kids were hauled off in a truck from We Rent Goats because apparently people rent goats in Idaho. Goatapalooza, man.

So the Dominican newspaper El Naciona published this article the other day, with one small error – the photo that’s supposed to be Donald Trump is actually Alec Baldwin’s character on Saturday Night Live.

And the hilarity continues.

“Move over Rafi, let the kids help!”

JAKARTA, Indonesia (AP) — A 23-foot long python has swallowed a woman in central Indonesia, a village official said Saturday. The victim, 54-year-old Wa Tiba, went missing while checking her vegetable garden near her village on Muna island in Southeast Sulawesi province on Thursday evening, according to the village chief, Faris. On Friday, her family went to look for her at the garden but found only her belongings, including sandals and a flashlight, said Faris, who uses a single name. The family and villagers launched a search for the woman, and found the snake with a bloated belly about 35-yards from where her belongings were found. The villagers killed the snake and carried it to the village. “When they cut open the snake’s belly they found Tiba’s body still intact with all her clothes,” Faris said. “She was swallowed headfirst.”

First off, big thanks Faris for letting us know which end went in first. I guess that is better than the alternative though? Helluva way for Wa Tiba to go in any event, amirite? Getting eaten by a python while checking your garden on Muna Island in Southeast Sulawesi? Yikes. And to think you believe you’re having a bad day because little Bryce doesn’t want to go to Camp Happy Hopes for 2-weeks. Anyway, I guess the moral of the story is that when in Indonesia checking on your veggies, keep your head on a swivel.

PS- How in the hell does a 23-foot long python sneak up on somebody? Slithering quietly like a mofo I guess. Chills, man.

Australia – Yoga is being combined with beer in a push to boost mens’ physical and mental health. Free “Broga” classes are being held at The Hack in Port Melbourne, encouraging pint-adoring blokes to get fit in more ways than one.
Instructor Nim Rotenberg told 9NEWS a couple of frothies “may help men loosen up for poses.”

“It’ll definitely open up your hamstrings,” Mr Rotenberg told 9NEWS with a laugh.

Apart from physical benefits, Broga also helps men together to chat, which is essential for good mental health. In Australia, one in eight men will experience depression; a staggering six out of every eight suicides every day in the country are men. “Broga” aims to help with that.

Listen man, if anything will open up your hamstrings it’s a couple frothies and doing yoga with your mates, amirite? But seriously, leave it to the Aussies to come up with this. Those cats will drink while doing almost anything. ya know? Hell, Australians will down a 6-pack of frothies whilst having breakfast.

Australians, man.

Note: If you don’t think I’m referring to beers as “frothies” from here on out you’re out of your mind. G’day mate.

Tom Brady “still has not committed to playing in 2018,” ESPN’s Adam Schefter reported Wednesday morning, citing sources. The Patriots quarterback still is expected to return, according to Schefter, but hasn’t given “official word” that he’ll be back. Brady wants to continue playing football past 40 years old, but “there are people around him who would rather see him retire,” sources told Schefter. Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen, reportedly has been among those who would like to see Brady walk away.

Hold the presses! Hold the presses! Breaking neeeeeews! Tom Brady may retire! Or not. He may play. We don’t know. But he might not play! But he might. Good God almighty. This is news? On a related note, you could say this about 200 other NFL players. I’m getting a headache.

TMZ- Green Bay Packers wide receiver Trevor Davis was arrested at LAX on Sunday morning after cops say he joked about smuggling a bomb into the airport. Law enforcement sources tell us the 24-year-old, a 5th round draft pick out of Cal in 2016, was at the Hawaiian Airlines ticket counter with a female companion to check into a flight when the attendant asked the usual security questions about their luggage.

Instead of playing it straight we’re told Davis turned to the other woman and said, “Did you remember to pack the explosives?” She apparently said, “No” and tried to get him to stop. He then said, “Just kidding”, but it was too late.
We’re told cops were called and Davis was immediately taken into custody for misdemeanor criminal threats.

Listen, everyone knows Trevor Davis was joking. But Holy Mother of God you can’t make a bomb joke at an airport. You just can’t. Not since September 11th, 2001. And Trevor has no excuse. Dude was born in 1994. He was 7 when 9/11 occurred. He’s not like guys like me who can remember the days when you could stroll onto an airplane with a damn machete and nobody would say a word. Trevor, dude. DUDE. Just can’t do it, man. You have to be better than that.

SPRING HILL, Fla. — 38-year old Douglas Jon Francisco of Tampa was arrested on Wednesday afternoon for DUI after he reportedly mistook a bank drive-thru for Taco Bell. According to the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office, the manager of Bank of America on Mariner Boulevard called to report an impaired driver after he found an unconscious man behind the wheel of a blue sedan in the bank’s drive-thru lane.

The manager told deputies that after beating on the car window for “some time,” he was able to wake up the driver. Upon waking up, the driver asked the bank manager for a burrito before driving away after being informed he was not at Taco Bell.

Listen, how can you be mad at Douglas Jon Francisco here? I mean really? Dude had a couple barley pops and confused his drive-thrus. Big deal. That could happen to anybody. Hell, I’ve known people to do it when they’re stone cold sober, man. Give this guy a break. Quick thought – what if it had been the other way around and he’d tried to withdraw money from a Taco Bell? Poor guy would’ve had robbery added to the DUI.

PS- True story. I was with one of my crazy-ass friends years ago and he got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up to the car, got out his little pen and pad, and my buddy said this without blinking an eye: “Hey, what’s up? Let’s see, I think I’ll have a cheeseburger with the works and a side of fries, and give me a large Coke too. Shoe, what do you want?” The cop never said a word, just went on with his usual routine as I sat cowering on the passenger side, waiting to be tased. On a related note, that friend is now a doctor.

PPS- Gotta give mad props to Douglas Jon Francisco for that mugshot. Hair is on point.

 

From Florida, of course:

A man says he was letting his dog outside in Florida when a large black bear attacked him.

Andrew Meunier tells local news outlets that he let his dog out of his home about 11 p.m. Tuesday and spotted the 4-foot bear standing next to him when he stepped outside. He said he struggled to get away and managed to get back through his front door. A 911 call revealed that Meunier suffered a minor facial laceration from the bear attack. He sought treatment at a local hospital and received 41 stitches.

“I’m just happy to be alive,” Meunier said. “It could’ve been a totally different story.”

Please. A 4-foot bear is large? People in Canada, Alaska, Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho are laughing their asses off right now. Also some people in Ohio and this guy for sure. Hell, an 11-year old is 4-feet tall. Give me a break. Also Andrew Meunier, where was your dog when this happened? Did he run off like his owner? Sparky would’ve taken a 4-foot bear down in mere seconds. Just ask that coyote he tangled with a couple years ago. Floridians, man.

PS- That dude looks like Ben Roethlisberger after yesterday’s game with the Jaguars.

Key Biscayne: In Central America, iguanas are a delicacy. They’re actually farmed for food. So, a gentleman in Key Biscayne, though originally from Central America, began picking up iguanas that appeared to be dead on the road that had fallen out of trees. They had turned gray and were not moving at all and were very cold to the touch. He put them into his vehicle. Unfortunately, the vehicle warmed up, and the iguanas started coming back to life. They started getting up and running around in the car, causing an accident on Route 913.

Tough day for this guy, huh? All the dude was thinking about was inviting his friends over for a big Iguana barbeque and the next thing you knows his 1973 Ford Pinto is being ravaged by Zombie Iguanas like you read about. That had to be just pure terror, man, sorta like when the deer came back to life in Tommy Boy. On a related note, Florida, man. Don’t get too close to the animals.