Archive for the ‘News’ Category

The Donald. Dude can’t get out of his own way. Just flat tells his Israeli audience he “Just got back from the Middle East.” I swear he doesn’t know Israel is in the Middle East. Geography 101, kids. And check out the Israeli ambassador. Bro looks like Hillary on election night, just flabbergasted like you read about. Trump, man. He keeps blogs like mine alive. God bless him.

On a related note, I never thought I’d miss this guy so much:

You guys read my post and watched the video a couple days ago about the little girl being snatched by the Sea Lion, right? Sure you did. Well, I was a little tough on the mother for just walking away without thanking the guy who saved her kid.

W-e-l-l, turns out I’m not the only one. Mr. Robert Kiesman of the Steveston Harbour Authority is a little pissed at everyone’s behavior on that dock. Dude just kills me with his sarcasm. Take a read:

NBS News: Blame the parents, not the hungry sea lion.

That’s exactly what the head of a Canadian port did after a young girl playing on a pier was dragged into the drink by a California sea lion — and video of the dramatic rescue went viral after it hit the internet.

Accusing them of “reckless behavior,” Robert Kiesman of the Steveston Harbour Authority said the girl’s parents put her in harm’s way.

“There are signs all over the dock that explicitly warn people not to feed the sea mammals and the penalty for “disturbing” an animal is a $100,000 fine, Kiesman said.

“You wouldn’t go up to a grizzly bear in the bush and hand him a ham sandwich, so you shouldn’t be handing a thousand-pound wild animal in the water slices of bread,” he said. “You can only spend so much time protecting people from their reckless behavior. We’ve now seen an example of why it’s illegal to do this and why it’s dangerous and frankly stupid to do this.”

Meanwhile, the Vancouver Aquarium is urging the girl’s family to get in touch with them for information about handling a possible infection.

“Seals and sea lions carry some pretty nasty bacteria in their mouth,” Danielle Hyson, a senior marine mammal trainer at the aquarium, told The Province newspaper in Vancouver.

God, I love everything about this. Hey, you wouldn’t hand a grizzle bear a ham sandwich, would you, dumbass? That’s a 1,000 pound wild animal, fools. But hey, you can only spend so much time protecting people from their dumbness.

I also love how Danielle Hyson of the Vancouver Aquarium got her shot in. Just a heads-up, morons, but Sea Lions carry some pretty nasty bacteria in their mouth. Might wanna get that looked at.

And I swear Robert Kiesman is happy this happened. For him it’s a lesson for all the idiots who come through his Steveston Harbour Authority. I’m betting he’s said this to his wife a million times at the dinner table:

“Man, I wish one of those Sea Lions would leap up and eat one of these tourist’s kids. Maybe then they would listen.”

Dream come true for Robert Kiesman. Dream come true.

ZimbabweA pastor has been killed after he was eaten by three crocodiles while trying to walk on water, it has been claimed. Jonathan Mthethwa was trying to show his congregation how Jesus walked on water by crossing what is locally known as Crocodile River on foot, according to local reports.

However, he did not make it across the river in Zimbabwe.

The pastor, from the Saint of the Last Days church, managed to get around 90-ft into the river, the paper reported, before trying to climb onto the surface of the river.

Eyewitness Deacon Nkosi told Zimbabwe Today: ‘The pastor taught us about faith on Sunday last week. He promised he would demonstrate his faith to us today, but he unfortunately ended up drowning and getting eaten by three large crocodiles in front of us. We still don’t understand how this happened because he fasted and prayed the whole week. They finished him in a couple of minutes. All that was left of him when they finished eating him is a pair of sandals and his underwear floating above the water.”

First off, I’m trying hard as hell not to laugh at the fact that the gators passed on eating the underwear, I really am. But can you believe the gators passed on eating the underwear? Gators, man. Even they have their limits. But seriously, Pastor Jonathan Mthethwa, I’ve always questioned this line of thinking where faith is concerned. “Hey, let’s really push God to the limit! I’m going to grab this rattlesnake to prove I have faith! The Lord will save me!” Well, maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll just wonder why you didn’t use the common sense he gave you as he watches you die a painful death from internal hemorrhaging. I mean, God helps those who help themselves, amirite?

Note: This reminds me of the old story about the man who was in his house as flood waters rose outside his door. A guy in a boat came by and offered to help, but the man said, “No thanks, God will provide help for me.” As the water rose, two more men in boats came by and were told the same thing. Eventually the man drowned, and when he stood at the pearly gates  he had this conversation with God:

Man: “I believed in you and had faith you would help me. Why did you forsake me?”

God: “I sent three boats for you. What else did you expect, man?”

He’s coming for you, Donald.

GQ- Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, the highest paid movie star on the planet and a committed dad, told GQ that he’s thinking about running for president of the United States.

“I think that it’s a real possibility,” the “Baywatch” actor confessed. “A year ago, it started coming up more and more. There was a real sense of earnestness, which made me go home and think, ‘Let me really rethink my answer and make sure I am giving an answer that is truthful and also respectful.’”

You know, years ago I would have laughed at this notion. A professional fake wrestler running for leader of the free world? No way he could win, right? Nowadays though, well, things have changed a little haven’t they? I used to think that Arnold being elected Governor of California and Jesse “The Body” Ventura running the show in Minnesota were anomalies, but no more. Not after this whole Donald thing. And hey, The Rock is qualified. After all, he’s a movie star and committed dad. Anyway, I’m going to get in on the ground floor of this “Rock for President” thing, baby.

PS- Seriously, can you imagine Trump vs The Rock in 2020? That would be stellar.

The nation’s demographics are on a clear trajectory: White people are dying faster than they are being born, which means they are on target to become a minority in the United States in 30-years.

“This is without historical precedent,” said Kenneth Johnson, the senior demographer at the University of New Hampshire’s Carsey School of Public Policy. “The minority population is growing, and the non-Hispanic white population is not.”

Whites currently account for 62% of the population but 78% of deaths, according to Johnson’s analysis.

“I don’t think people fully appreciate how much natural increase [more births than deaths] contributes to the nation’s growing diversity,” Johnson said. “If you ask people why is America more diverse, they would say it’s because minorities are being born. What nobody ever thinks about is that a lot more whites are dying.”

Well, well. How the tide has turned. Honestly, I can’t decide if this is good or bad for the White Supremacy crowd. On the one hand, how can they be supreme if they’re a minority? Can’t have that. Somebody might build a wall to keep them out, man. We can’t be getting all diverse and whatnot, that’s un- American!

On the other hand, they may soon be getting all those great privileges they say minorities get, like getting the first shot at jobs and the cute girls and stuff.

The world, man. How dare it change like this on us?

PS- Is it me or does Kenneth Johnson seem a little too happy about all these white people dying?

PPS- I swear to God I’ll get messages from people who don’t recognize sarcasm and think I’m serious. I can’t wait to show them to you.

SourceA fantasy fanatic has spent more than £25,000 on plastic surgery as he wants to become a real-life elf.

Luis Padron, 25, from Buenos Aires, Argentina, became obsessed with the world of elves, angels and fantasy beings after being bullied as a child. He became determined to look like his favorite otherworldly characters and started bleaching his hair and skin.

Mr. Padron gets unusual looks but says he doesn’t care what people think and said he won’t stop until he has fully ‘transformed’ into an elf.

He’s having plastic surgery in order to have pointy-ears, and is even having ribs removed to maintain a more elvish figure. 

His lifestyle comes at a cost, with a $5,000 monthly cost to continue bleaching his skin and hair, high sunscreen to prevent his skin from tanning, contact lenses, make-up and care products.

“I don’t consider this an obsession, but in fantasy you have all of the hope, love, friendship and good feelings,” he said.

Sure, nothing screams “not obsessive” like changing your body to look exactly like an elf. That’s not obsessive at all. I mean, I’d have probably gone with the golden-locked Thor, but that’s just me. But hey, I’m not mad at this guy. If he wants to look like a pointy-eared, supernatural, make-believe, mischievous fairy more power to him.  Gotta chase your dreams, man.

PS- Sixty grand a year seems a little steep to maintain an elf-like appearance, but what do I know?

PPS- Best elf ever? Buddy.

Listen, it’s no secret that I think Donald Trump is batshit crazy and the most unfit and unprepared human being to ever be elected leader of the free world. And while I voted for Hillary, I did so whilst looking sideways and holding my nose. Our choices in 2016 weren’t the greatest, man. That said, here’s where we are, with a former reality TV show host as President of the United States and the woman he defeated totally out of touch with reality.

Hillary is out and about again, presumably after 6-months of sitting in a corner and repeating, “I was beaten by an orange guy who grabs women by the pu$$y?”

Well, she was, she’s out, and she still doesn’t grasp what happened. At a Women for Women International conference she was quoted as saying, “I was on the way to winning until FBI Director James Comey’s letter on October 28th raised doubts in voters leaning toward me.” She also said that “Misogyny played a role as well.”

Uh, I hate to tell you this, Hill, but the doubts were already there. Had to be. Oh, I’m sure a few folks changed their minds after that letter, but no way did it swing the election. As far as her gender, of course there are nitwits who wouldn’t vote for a woman regardless, but we all knew that going in, right?

Bottom line, people didn’t trust Hillary Clinton and haven’t for years. She’d been caught in lies and she’s always had this sketchy, phony vibe about her. Say what you want about her husband (who I loved and still love), but he had a charisma that drew voters to him. He could be convincing when he wanted to be (insert Monica Lewinsky joke here), and Hillary has never been able to pull that off. Combine that with Trump telling a lot of people exactly what they wanted to hear and we ended up where we are.

Hillary should just come clean, tell everyone she blew the election, and move on with her life.

But blaming everyone except herself? Big mistake.

Honestly, this may have been the moment she lost the election.

“Meh. Could’ve used a little tabasco sauce.”

Reuters: DNA tests on the carcass of a crocodile shot in Zimbabwe have confirmed that it contains the remains of a missing South African hunter, an investigator has told the BBC.

Scott Van Zyl was killed last week on the banks of the Limpopo river, said Sakkie Louwrens, director of a South-African crime-fighting NGO. He said Mr Van Zyl disappeared during a hunting safari last week.

His death is the latest in a series of fatal crocodile attacks in Zimbabwe.

Mr Louwrens told the BBC that Mr Van Zyl had gone on a hunting trip on the Zimbabwe-South Africa border with a local tracker and a pack of dogs. He said the pair left their vehicle and went in different directions in search of crocodiles.

A search and rescue operation was launched after Mr Van Zyl’s dogs returned to their camp without him.

I can imagine the dog’s conversation after the croc grabbed this guy:

“Well hell, Ernie, looks like that croc ain’t playin’. Think we should try and help?”

“Hell no. Let’s head back to the truck.”

Honestly, I have no sympathy for this guy. Anyone who messes with animals of any kind, wild or not, deserves a good old fashioned mauling. Same for bullfighters, man. I love it when the bull just gores the bejesus out of some dope with a cape.

PS- I’m no expert in the area of hunting dangerous animals but it seems like splitting up would be a bad idea. You know, maybe keep a friend with a gun handy. Just sayin’.

Yep. Neatly stacked alright.

ComplexNigerian police this week found $43 million in an upscale apartment in Nigeria. The discovery happened Tuesday after the Nigerian anti-corruption unit received a tip. A person said there was a “haggard” woman in “dirty clothes” who was taking bags in and out of the apartment, and it seemed suspicious.

When the cops showed up, they found, well, a ton of money. The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission posted a video of them counting the money: $43 million. The money was “neatly arranged” inside cabinets that were hidden behind a bedroom wardrobe, according to CNN.

The commission says the funds are “suspected to be proceeds of unlawful activity.” Nigeria introduced a new whistleblower policy in December that credits tip-givers. Whistleblowers can anonymously provide information securely, and if their information leads to the police recovering stolen public funds, the whistleblower can receive 2.5-5 percent of the money recovered.

OK, first things first here. Number one, if I ever have the opportunity to store $43-million in cash you can damn sure bet it will be neatly arranged. Nothing worse than sloppy piles of money. Secondly, you can also be damn sure that if I know somebody is storing that much money in an apartment I’ll snitch on them in a heartbeat for 5% of the stash. I think that’s over $2,150,000 if my math is correct. Finally, I’ve been living my life all wrong, man. I guarantee you that this haggard woman in dirty clothes is the same con artist that’s been sending me those Nigerian Prince emails for the past 15-years. Hey, just sit back and shoot out emails all day asking for cash, and if 1 sucker out of 100 bites you’re set for life. That or I might start my own religion. I’m pretty sure I could have 500 followers within a few weeks. People are looking to be led, man, and I’m their guy.

CNNDonald Trump’s travel to his private club in Florida has cost over an estimated $20-million in his first 80-days as president, putting the president on pace in his first year of office to surpass former President Barack Obama’s spending on travel for his entire 8-years.

If this surprises you, well, you haven’t been paying attention. And everybody, including our game show host turned President of the United States of America, bitched about how much vacation time Obama took. Here’s an example of one of The Donald’s many tweets:

“President @BarackObama’s vacation is costing taxpayers millions of dollars—-Unbelievable!”

Hey, at least he didn’t add a “SAD!” in there. But hey, Melania is still living in, and being protected at, Trump Tower at our expense ($500,000 a day) so there’s that. Can’t waste time in that trash dump at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. That would suck, man. Anyhoo, gotta hand it to Donnie. Dude shoves it in our face like you read about. Zero conscience.

I’m sure Fox News will be outraged by all this. Expect a full report soon.

On a related note, this is pretty funny, in retrospect:

PS- Honestly? I could not care less how many vacation days a president takes. It’s not the quantity of days spent on the job, after all, but the quality. The hypocrisy of Trump, however, is hilarious. 

 

Sweet Mother of God.

65-million years ago, an asteroid is believed to have crashed into Earth. The impact wiped out huge numbers of species, including almost all of the dinosaurs. One group of dinosaurs managed to survive the disaster.

Today, we know them as birds.

The idea that birds evolved from dinosaurs has been around since the 19th century, when scientists discovered the fossil of an early bird called Archaeopteryx. It had wings and feathers, but it also looked a lot like a dinosaur. More recent fossils look similar.

But these early birds didn’t look the same as modern ones. In particular, they didn’t have beaks: they had snouts, like those of their dinosaur ancestors.

To understand how one changed into another, a team has been tampering with the molecular processes that make up a beak in chickens.

By doing so, they have managed to create a chicken embryo with a dinosaur-like snout and palate, similar to that of small feathered dinosaurs like Velociraptor. 

There are no plans to hatch any more eggs.

Well, here we go. We all saw this coming, amirite? Damn scientists start sticking their noses where they don’t belong and we end up with that monster in the photo up there. Thing looks like it’s gonna leap out of the photo, pull a vein out of my neck and kill me, which is what those DinoChickens are all going to do once these scientists start hatching those eggs, which we all know they’re going to do. Sorry for the long sentence but I’m a little upset. Didn’t they watch Jurassic Park? Good God man, kill the eggs! Kill them with fire!

And here’s how we’re all going to die. Remember that Monster Chicken video I showed you a couple weeks ago? How long before somebody turns one of those beasts into a Monster DinoChicken? We’re doomed, I tell you. Doomed.

PS- Sparky just growled at my computer screen. He’s ready for the inevitable War with the Chickens.

PPS- Now that I think about it, he may have started it.

A Toledo man, Noel E. Dawson Jr., pleaded not guilty today in Toledo Municipal Court to chasing a family member with a hatchet.

Mr. Dawson is accused of chasing a family member Sunday with a hatchet. Prosecutors allege he swung the hatchet at the man, but struck his truck instead — leaving a large dent in the hood, according to a complaint filed in Toledo Municipal Court.

When Mr. Dawson was arrested, he refused to give the officer any of his information and rather just shouted obscenities, court records show. 

OK, before I criticize Noel E. Dawson Jr. I have to know the all facts here. I mean, maybe this family member stole his Cheez Whiz sandwich or something. Hey, there are valid reasons for chasing a family member with a hatchet, ya know? Secondly, there’s nothing worse than missing a family member with a hatchet and hitting your truck, huh? That sucks. Finally, if there was ever a man that would chase a family member with a hatchet it’s the guy in that photo up there. That’s just glorious.

For the past few weeks people have been going crazy about Michael Jordan’s proclamation after a North Carolina game that, “The ceiling is the roof!” He was at mid-court speaking to the crowd at the time, by the way.

Jordan has been getting pummelled and ridiculed in social media and on sports talk shows for making such a nonsensical statement. Nobody can seem to make sense of it, and my question is this:

Why?

Makes perfect sense to me. See, people are always saying certain players, or programs, have a ceiling, meaning they can only get to a certain point at which they achieve their maximum potential. They can then go no further.

Well, Jordan, who was at a basketball game but was actually talking about NC football, was saying that the program can go higher than they’re expected to, that their ceiling could actually their roof.

Is that really too difficult to understand?

So Reality Game Show Host turned President of the Most Powerful Country in the World Donald Trump got to pretend to drive in a big truck yesterday, and the photos are spectacular. Here they be, with my comments of course.

Oh, how I pray he’s making truck engine noises in this one. That would be super. Oh, and it looks like he just missed the exit to Arby’s. Wait. Would 2 Fat, 2 Furious be too mean-spirited?

In this photo, President Trump makes a loud fart noise to the delight of the assembled reporters. On a related note, he looks like the ride’s over but his mom gave him another token.

Oh, and it should not surprise you to learn that he honked the horn, because of course he did.

Ah, but who the hell am I to judge? I just hope to someday find someone who loves me as much as Trump loves sitting in the truck.

PS- Before you send me photos of Obama or Clinton sitting in a truck I know we can all find funny photos of any president, so stop it.

PPS- I tried my damndest to get a “rigged” joke in there but came up empty. Sorry fans.

HOLYOKE, MA: Banging on doors, yelling, threatening to egg cars. Frat house? Nope. Holyoke Senior Center, at least according to one official.

“The Friday bingo mindset seems to infect people who behave rationally all other days of the week,” said Navae Fenwick Rodriguez, executive director of the Holyoke Council on Aging (COA).

Alleged bad behavior by senior citizens prompted Rodriguez to announce last week she was reducing the number of times bingo will be held at the Senior Center at 291 Pine St. to two Fridays a month from the current four a month. 

The accusations of fraternity house rowdiness were met with denials and skepticism, but Rodriguez nonetheless said in an email sent to a city councilor that the clamor includes:

  • Senior citizens banging on doors of other rooms at the facility;
  • Sneaking people in for lunch when a ticket is required;
  • Being rude to staff and volunteers;
  • Leaving the room a mess;
  • Threatening to egg the vehicles of staff and volunteers upon learning bingo regularity was in jeopardy.

The alleged boorishness seems to stem from senior citizens impatient to enter the multipurpose room where bingo is held and then rushing in to compete for seats at tables with friends, Rodriguez said in the email.

Bingo organizer Lorraine Gorham acknowledged seniors display an eagerness to get seated in a desired location to ensure they’ll enjoy their spot during the hours-long event, but she said she is unfamiliar with the situation as described by Rodriguez.

“They just want to get in there and sit down,” she said. “She’s putting this way out of context. It is not that bad. I am there 90% of the time and I have not seen anything like that.”

“We have been dealing with inappropriate behavior at Friday bingo since before we moved to our new senior center. For some reason, bingo seems to bring out the worst in people,” Rodriguez said. 

Listen, as far as I’m concerned Navae Fenwick Rodriguez can go straight to hell. She was probably that kid that was always running to the teacher telling on little Dave Bobby who had a cheat sheet up his Twin Tigers hoodie shirt sleeve. What a loser. Everyone knows how important it is to get to your favorite seat on Bingo Night. That’s sacred, man. And hey, cancelling two bingo games a month calls for drastic measures. I’d threaten to egg her car too. Fight this battle to the end, Lorraine Gorham. The world is with you.

PS- Navae Fenwick Rodriguez, you’re now at the top of the Holyoke Senior Citizens list, a bad, bad place to be. Better watch your back or you’ll get a cane to the back of your skull. Reap what you sow and all that.

According to Google.

mapracism

Boo freakin' hoo.

Boo freakin’ hoo.

Douglasville, GA: Two white supremacists will spend the next several decades behind bars after being found guilty of hate crime charges stemming from their bizarre decision to parade a Confederate flag and hurl racially motivated death threats near a black family celebrating an eight-year-old’s birthday.

Jose Ismael Torres, 26, and Kayla Rae Norton, 25, joined a caravan of trucks laden with confederate flags as they menaced a Douglasville, Georgia, family who were simply trying to have a good time.

Video from the incident, which was played in court, shows multiple pickup trucks slowly cruising by and hurling racial insults and death threats. Police officers can be seen attempting to defuse tensions between the partygoers and the racist entourage.

During their court testimony, Torres and Norton revealed that they were part of a group called “Respect the Flag” and apologized for their actions.

Norton was slapped with 15-years with 6 to serve in prison, while Torrest received 20-years with 13 served in prison.

Listen, was this judge a little tough on these two racist dumbasses? Probably. Do I still like these sentences? Hell yes I do. Hey, they yelled racial slurs and threatened to kill people at an 8-year old’s party. What a bunch of morons. They’re getting what they deserve. And check ’em out, crying their eyes out like 3rd graders. Boo-freaking-hoo. And nothing says “Respect the Flag” like intolerance and ignorance, huh? Hey Jose Ismael and Kayla Rae, I have news for you – you’re idiots.

Man, I hate racists.

planets(CNN) Astronomers have found at least seven Earth-sized planets orbiting the same star 40 light-years away, according to a study published Wednesday in the journal Nature. The findings were also announced at a news conference at NASA Headquarters in Washington.

This discovery outside of our solar system is rare because the planets have the winning combination of being similar in size to Earth and being all temperate, meaning they could have water on their surfaces and support life.

“This is the first time that so many planets of this kind are found around the same star,” said Michaël Gillon, lead study author and astronomer at the University of Liège in Belgium.

Wow. One month of Trump and NASA is announcing we already have seven potential back-up Earths. Sweet. They might just come in handy soon. Honestly though, shouldn’t this be bigger news? I mean, we just discovered seven planets like ours that could support life. Holy mother that’s terrifying. Then again, they’re 40 light years away so I suppose we’re safe for now. Wait. I just had a thought. What if one of the seven earth-like planets discover us?

Chills, man.

dayumgif

EurasiaAzerbaijani President Ilham Aliyev has appointed his wife, 7183d0aa-8254-45a6-ab51-82c75ba962d9Mehriban Aliyeva, as the country’s first vice president. Aliyeva professed to be humbled by the appointment. “Mr. President, I express my deep gratitude to you for this high confidence in me,” she said at a meeting of the Security Council. “Over the past years, your ideas of statehood, patriotism, your courageous protection of Azerbaijan’s national interests, and your unity with the people of Azerbaijan were an example for me.”

Wow. What a move by President Ilham Aliyev, huh? Bro just naming his wife Vice President like it ain’t no thang, even if the country of Azerbaijani has never had a vice president before. That’s part ballsy and part diabolical right there. And I love how she addresses him as “Mr. President” like people don’t know they’re married. But seriously, what could possibly inspire a guy to make a power move like this? Well, I looked this chick up and it certainly cleared up a lot of confusion for me.

H-e-l-l-o-o-o-o, Mrs. Vice President.

89bb93cc-fe2a-40c3-8b2d-399dcefa2715

Authorities at a Virginia airport encountered some unusual baggage when they confiscated 13-pounds of horse genitals and a total of 42-pounds of horsemeat from two women arriving from Mongolia on Jan. 29.

The two women landed at the Washington Dulles International Airport last month when authorities discovered the meat concealed inside juice boxes, a release from US Customs and Border Protection said.

The women told authorities the horse genitals were for “medicinal purposes.”

The discovery rivaled other finds — “from fully-charred monkeys, to voodoo ceremony tools, to cocaine concealed inside the cavity of fully cooked chickens, to live sea horses and giant African land snails,” the release described.

Authorities said horsemeat is prohibited from entering the US “if it is not accompanied by an official government horsemeat certification from the country or government it originates.”

CBP incinerated the food products and declined to bring criminal charges against the women.

Whew. Where to begin? First off, they let these women off? What the hell? If illegal horsemeat smuggling doesn’t get you arrested I don’t know what will. But my favorite part of the article is when the release described prior finds – “fully-charred monkeys, voodoo ceremony tools, cocaine concealed inside the cavity of fully cooked chickens, live seahorses and giant African land snails.

Wait. Since when can’t we have a fully-charred monkey as a carry-on? I guess a semi-charred monkey would be OK? That’s bullshit, man.

PS – Eating horse balls is good for your health? Guess we really do learn something every day.

assassin

Kim Jong-nam wrote to Kim Jong-un in 2012 asking his half-brother and the recently anointed dictator of North Korea to spare his life and that of his family, the head of South Korea’s National Intelligence Service revealed on Wednesday.

It comes as new pictures of a woman alleged to have been linked to the assassination team that killed the older brother of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un in Kuala Lumpur have been released by Malaysian media.

Kim Jong-nam, 45, died on Monday after collapsing at Kuala Lumpur International Airport while waiting to board a flight back to Macau, where he was living in exile.

Listen, I’ve never been a big fan or murder and stuff but any assassin who pulls off a stone cold assassination in the middle of an airport while wearing a sweatshirt with “LOL” on the front has my instant respect. It’s like “LOL, I just killed a guy.” That’s just diabolical, man. Plus she looks sort of cute, so she gets extra points there too.

PS- Is it too late for me to start being more empathetic? Probably is, right? Never mind.

PSS- Not many blogs add the tags “Death”, “Humor”, and “Things I Love” onto their stories all at once. That’s what separates me from your average blogger. On a related note, if you’re a regular reader you’re as weird as I am.

So some dude named Leslie Ray “Popeye” Charping passed away recently and obituary-texas-fatherhis daughter was left in charge of writing his obituary. Turns out she wasn’t a fan . . .

“Leslie Ray ‘Popeye’ Charping was born in Galveston on November 20, 1942 and passed away January 30, 2017, which was 29-years longer than expected and much longer than he deserved.”

“At a young age, Leslie quickly became a model example of bad parenting combined with mental illness and a complete commitment to drinking, drugs, womanizing and being generally offensive. Leslie enlisted to serve in the Navy, but not so much in a brave and patriotic way but more as part of a plea deal to escape sentencing on criminal charges.”

“Leslie’s hobbies included being abusive to his family, expediting trips to heaven for the beloved family pets and fishing, which he was less skilled with than the previously mentioned. Leslie’s life served no other obvious purpose, he did not contribute to society or serve his community and he possessed no redeeming qualities besides his quick witted sarcasm which was amusing during his sober days.”

“With Leslie’s passing he will be missed only for what he never did; being a loving husband, father and good friend.”

Leslie’s passing proves that evil does in fact die and hopefully marks a time of healing and safety for all.”

Wow. I’d have no words if I wasn’t a famous quick-witted blogger. That’s just brutal. I take it daughter was left out of the will? And why did she say he lived 29-years longer than expected? Why did she expect him to die in 1988? I’m confused and I need more information, damn it. Anyhoo, ol’ Popeye is accused here of the Triple Crown of asshattery – drinking, drugs, and womanizing. Thank God I can only be accused of three one of those. But honestly, who hasn’t joined the armed forces to escape criminal charges? Don’t most judges sort of give you that as an option? That’s what I thought.

But hey, at least she gave him credit for being amusing during his sober days, so there’s that. Still, a brutal obit. Just brutal.

Note to self: Write own obituary post haste.

whatdidijustread

screwworm_flickr_8455823819_ce1f716566_k_horizontal-1024x591

Well, h-e-l-l-l-o-o-o, flesh-eating screwworm.

A San Antonio woman has sued Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen and its local franchisee saying the fast-food chain served her rice and beans that had flesh-eating screwworms.

Karen Goode says in her lawsuit, filed Tuesday in Bexar County district court, that the screwworms entered her digestive tract and laid eggs, which became embedded in the interior lining of her small intestine. When the eggs hatched, they infested her body and began to eat her “alive from the inside-out.”

Patrick Stolmeier, Goode’s San Antonio lawyer, said she became ill and couldn’t work. As a result, she lost her business, her house and vehicles, he said. Goode seeks more than $1 million in damages from Atlanta-based Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen Inc. and Sugarland’s Z&H Foods Inc.

Man, nothing worse than going to Popeyes for some rice and beans and ending up with flesh-eating screwworms entering your digestive tract and laying eggs that become embedded in the interior lining of your small intestine, huh? That’s a bad day all-around, man. Especially when the eggs hatch, infest your body and begin to eat you alive from the inside out. Yeesh. On a related note, I may skip lunch today.

That’s actually a Grassquatch.

pot-sasquatch-850x534

Yeah. Old.

Yeah. Old.

If you think that age slows you down then you’ve obviously never met Alla Illyinichna Levushkina. She’s a surgeon at Ryazan City Hospital near Moscow, and despite being almost 90-years old – yes, you heard that correctly – she still performs 4-operations every day.

89-year-old Alla, who lives in a flat where she cares for her disabled nephew and her eight cats, has been a surgeon for a whopping 67-years, and although she’s already performed more than 10,000 operations, she has no intention of slowing down. “Being a doctor isn’t just a profession but a lifestyle,” she told Lite FM when asked if she had any plans to retire. “If I stopped working, who is going to perform the surgeries?” She’s thought to be the oldest surgeon still working in the world, but what’s the secret to her long life? “‘I didn’t find any secret to longevity,” she said. “I just eat everything, laugh a lot and cry a lot.”

Listen, I have to be honest here. Although I give much respect to Alla Illyinichna Levushkina, I have tell it the way I see it. There is no way in hell I’d let an 89-year old surgeon operate on me. Who knows if she’s going to keel over in the middle of the operation? I mean, 89-years old is 89-years old, man. That’s getting close to the end, man. And sorry, but I’m not sure how steady those hands will be. Thanks but no thanks, Alla Illyinichna Levushkina.

PS- Admit it. They roll you into surgery and you see Alla standing there. Wouldn’t you have a few questions?

PPS- No offense, octogenarians.