Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Once again, nobody writes headlines like me. You’re welcome.

Police are hunting for a man who attacked five people with a chainsaw in the Swiss town of Schaffhausen. Franz Wrousis is alleged to have launched his assault at a health insurance office shortly after 10:30 local time (08:30 GMT). The attack sparked a manhunt involving more than 100 officers from both Switzerland and Germany. Police say the 51-year-old, who lives in the woods, is dangerous and believed to be still armed with the chainsaw. His exact motives are still not clear, but police Major Ravi Landolt told a news conference: “This is not an attack against a hypothetical person. This is clearly against people from the insurer.”

Whew. Glad Franz Wrousis was only going after a “hypothetical person” and not, you know, an “actual person.” Sure that meant a lot to the folks getting attacked by a man with a freaking chainsaw. But hey, you’d be a little edgy too if every time you had to fill in the address box on every freaking form you ever signed as “the woods.” Bummer, man. And I wonder how long it took the po-po to figure out they’d better list this guy as “dangerous.” Guess the chainsaw had something to do with that.

Anyhoo, just remember, kids. Chainsaws don’t kill people. People kill people.

PS- Is this his mug shot? Way to keep it simple, Switzerland.

This is the face you have when you sleep in a pile of leaves every night.

“Bring it on, bacon boy.”

Al.com– Hogs aren’t unusual in rural south Alabama, but Wade Seago said he’d never seen anything like the 820-pound animal he shot and killed in his front yard.

Seago told al.com that he and his daughter spotted the massive hog in their yard in Samson last week after the family’s pet schnauzer Cruiser started barking.

“Cruiser had this huge hog confused with all of the barking and movement,” Wade said.

So the man got his .38-caliber handgun and took aim. It took three shots to drop the hog, Seago said, and he later weighed it on scales at a peanut company.

Seago told NBC4 he didn’t fear for his life during the confrontation.

“I was watching out for the dog. I knew that I wasn’t going to allow a hog that size to hang around,” Seago said. “He didn’t rush me, but I didn’t really give him time.”

Who the hell do you think you’re fooling, Wade Seago? You clearly inserted yourself into a situation where you weren’t needed, son. It’s obvious to me that Cruiser the Schnauzer had this thing under control from the get-go. Shoulda let your loyal best friend handle the situation from the safety of your back porch. Cruiser woulda sent that porker to Louisiana in a heartbeat if you’d have minded your own damn business. Instead, now you’re the big hero and Cruiser is a pint-sized victim, for God’s sake, all so you can have a hog head on your wall. Pathetic, man.

PS- Nothing says rural Alabama like killing an 820-lb hog with a handgun and weighing it at the local peanut company.

A 38-year-old Jacksonville man accidentally shot himself in the penis when he sat down on his gun, a Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office report said. 

According to the sheriff’s report, Chilly Mangi’s girlfriend told police he was sitting outside his Freedom Crossing Trail apartment in a car before he ran inside in a panic.

His girlfriend approached him in the bathroom and saw that he had a gunshot wound. He said he accidentally set the firearm off when he sat on it in the driver’s seat.

She drove him to Memorial Hospital, where JSO impounded the vehicle for evidence. JSO did not say what type of gun was involved but did say the injury required immediate surgery.

Man, and you thought you were having a tough day, huh? Maybe you woke up with a headache, the wife is upset about that extra couple beers you had last night with the boys, things are a little tense around the house and whatnot? Well, this should make you feel better. You didn’t shoot yourself in the penis. Thank you and goodnight.

PS- Chilly Mangi would be the coolest name ever if you didn’t know he, you know, shot himself in the penis. 

Dreaming of kumquats.

NEW BRAUNFELS, TX (WCMH) – A Texas man with a history of sex acts involving vegetables was sentenced to life in prison Wednesday.

San Antonio Express-News reports Charles Ransier was sentenced to life in prison on charges of drug possession and tampering with evidence.

Ransier was charged after a Texas state trooper found him sitting in a pickup truck with meth-filled syringes, male enhancement pills, children’s clothing, rope, Barbie dolls, balloons, and a cooler of frozen cucumbers, the paper reported.

He was only wearing a pair of jeans and had melted candle wax on his chest, the Austin American-Statesman reported.

It was not Ransier’s first arrest involving a vegetable. In 2014, Ransier was arrested near a baseball field while “engaging in a deviant sex act” with a vegetable while wearing women’s stockings. And in 2012, he was found naked alongside a road committing a sex act “involving a squash.”

Listen, they may be going a little tough on Charles Ransier here. I mean, who hasn’t been caught sitting in a pickup truck with meth-filled syringes, male enhancement pills, children’s clothing, rope, Barbie dolls, balloons, and a cooler of frozen cucumbers while wearing only a pair of jeans and candle wax on their chest? That’s a normal Tuesday afternoon for most Texans, amirite? And hey, engaging in a deviant sex act with a vegetable while wearing women’s stockings or being found naked alongside a road while committing a sex act involving a squash? Nobody hurt here. Well, maybe the squash but still.

Seriously though, Charles Ransier? Batshit crazy, man.

Listen, there is NO WAY this kid wasn’t messing around up there on that ride. How fast was that Gondola going, like a mile per hour? She had to be goofing off, amirite? Unsnapped her seatbelt and was showing off or something? Maybe breakdancing, doing a handstand or something of that nature? The press is covering this as a feel-good story, and it was cool that the crowd caught her, but nobody is pointing out the obvious, that the kid was either incredibly stupid, reckless, or both. I want the truth, people!

Yeah, we’ve known for awhile.

Space.com – Many other planets throughout the universe probably hosted intelligent life long before Earth did, a new study suggests.

The probability of a civilization developing on a potentially habitable alien planet would have to be less than one in 10 billion trillion for humanity to be the first technologically advanced species the cosmos has ever known, according to the study.

“To me, this implies that other intelligent, technology-producing species very likely have evolved before us,” said lead author Adam Frank, a professor of physics and astronomy at the University of Rochester in New York.

Gee, ya think? Listen, I don’t know how much money was wasted on this “study”, but I could have told them this when I was 8-years old. My cousin Mel and I figured that out when we used to camp out on the ground in my back yard, man. You now how we figured it out? We looked up at the stars, and what we surmised was that space is big. Really big. No way we were alone in our own universe, much less whatever the hell else is out there. End of study. We’d lie there and think about it for awhile, then we’d get scared and go back in the house. Anywho, scientists, man. Just wasting money like you read about.

George Clooney is selling his tequila company Casamigos to Diageo for as much as $1 billion, the company said Wednesday.

Diageo said it will initially pay $700 million, with the potential for another $300 million based on the tequila’s performance over 10 years. The transaction is expected to close during the second half of 2017.

“If you asked us four years ago if we had a billion dollar company, I don’t think we would have said yes,” Clooney told CNBC via email. “This reflects Diageo’s belief in our company and our belief in Diageo. But we’re not going anywhere. We’ll still be very much a part of Casamigos. Starting with a shot tonight. Maybe two.”

It’s great to see George Clooney finally catching a break, huh? Dude’s struggled through life being an incredibly handsome movie star, dating models and hanging out with DiCaprio on yachts and whatnot. Now he’s selling a tequila company he started 4-years ago for $1-Billion, followed up by a couple shots.

Clooney, man. I’d hate that guy if I didn’t admire him so much.

 

Otto Warmbier.

NYP – Otto Warmbier, the University of Virginia student who was detained in North Korea for nearly a year and a half for stealing a propaganda poster, died Monday afternoon, days after he returned home in a coma, his parents announced.

Warmbier, 22, had been medically evacuated last week and was being treated at the University of Cincinnati Medical Center. His parents, Fred and Cindy Warmbier, did not specify the cause of death.

But they made clear in a written statement that they blamed North Korea for what happened. Their son was arrested in January 2016 at the end of a brief tourist visit to the isolated country.

Listen, I have to be honest here. First off, I hate to see anybody die so understand that. Still, it’s a little hard for me to agree with all these people calling for us to bomb North Korea for this horrendous act. Here’s my thinking. First off, if you want to visit a country with an unbalanced, clearly insane dictator like Kim Jong-un that’s your right. But you can’t expect to be treated like you’re treated in countries with stable leadership and democratic governments. I sort of relate this to those people who go hiking in India, accidentally wander into Pakistan, get arrested, and then start whining about human rights. What the hell did you expect, man? And when you go to North Korea and are dumb enough to steal a propaganda poster and get caught, well, I have trouble feeling sorry for you. Good God. Again, I feel badly for the guy’s family but he didn’t make the wisest move here. If you want to go overseas on vacation and make it home alive go to Switzerland or the Caribbean. Rant over.

PS- I’m not saying somebody shouldn’t take out Kim-Jong-un either, because that dude’s batshit crazy. 

UPDATE: This may actually be fake news because it hasn’t happened yet.

AOL: It hasn’t been a full 24-hours since the Warriors became the 2017 NBA champions on Monday night, and the Golden State team has already opted out of a visit to the White House.

Somebody’s about to catch Twitter hell.

2017 MVP Kevin Durant led the Warriors to their second title in three years on Monday night when Golden State took down LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers 129-120. According to several reports, the Warriors unanimously decided soon after their victory celebrations that they would not visit President Donald Trump at the White House to commemorate their championship win.

“NBA champion Warriors skipping the White House visit, as a unanimous team decision per reports,” CNBC’s Josh Brown tweeted on Tuesday morning.

This certainly lessens the sting a little, amirite fellow pansy-ass bleeding heart liberals? Well, they are from the wacky left coast, so that explains a lot. Unanimous, though. That’s a true team right there. Meanwhile, at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue . . .

 

I need to see more of this type of thing.

Good boy.

Gavel the puppy was facing a tough change when he flunked out of police dog academy for being too sociable.

Instead of tackling hardened criminals, the German shepherd pup liked to meet strangers, and police in Australia felt he “did not display the necessary aptitude for a life on the front line”.

So the governor gave his four-legged friend a brand new job – Pet of the Governor.

“He has outgrown four ceremonial coats, undergone a career change (his official title is now Gavel VRD, ‘Vice-Regal Dog’), and brought untold joy to the lives of the governor, Mrs de Jersey, Government House staff, and the thousands of Queenslanders who have since visited the estate,” the office of Governor Paul de Jersey said.

Citizens are assured that everything he lacks in crime-fighting aggression, he now makes up for in his duties of welcoming guests and tour groups to the grounds of Queensland’s Government House.

He also partakes in special ceremonial occasions – and the job comes with a custom-made uniform featuring the state emblems of Queensland.

“We hope Gavel’s with us for a long, long time into the future,” Governor de Jersey told 7 News Brisbane.

Hell yeah, you go Gavel! Dude was facing a life of chasing the ne’er-do-wells and thugs of Australia and is instead now greeting guests at the Governor’s House while wearing a custom-made uniform featuring the state emblems of Queensland. Hey, so he wasn’t cut out to be a mean dog. Big deal, man. Who came out on top anyway? Gavel did. Good boy, Gavel. Good boy.

BOSTON (CBS) – First there was 7-Eleven in South Boston, now there’s a 6-Twelve.

A South Boston man was so upset with 7-Eleven that he opened his own store across the street on East Broadway. Abu Musa once owned the 7-Eleven franchise across the street but got mad over the parent company’s practices.

Musa says he wanted to pull the hot food from his 7-Eleven because it didn’t sell, but the company wouldn’t let him. He eventually lost his franchise and settled out of court for an undisclosed amount of money.

Now, he opened his own rival store: 6-Twelve.

“Whatever, whenever they want they can bring into the store and we have no option, no choice but to accept it,” said Musa. “Because they said you signed the paperwork.”

Half of his customers are ones from his 7-Eleven days who heard about his story and want to support him.

I can’t tell you how much I love this move by Abu Musa. Just laughing at his signed contract and starting a 6-Twelve store across the street. Just a diabolical move. And why would he go with a 6-Twelve rather than an 8-Ten? Because the logo on the sign is cooler, man. Abu Masu ain’t no fool.

A fisherman has lived to tell the tale of how he ended up with a Great White Shark in the bottom of his boat.

Terry Selwood, 73, was fishing offshore at Evans Head on the New South Wales north coast when the shark launched itself into his boat.

“I caught a blur of something coming over the boat, and the pectoral fin of the shark hit me on the forearm and knocked me down on the ground to my hands and knees,” Mr Selwood said. “He came right over the top of the motor and then dropped onto the floor. There I was on all fours and he’s looking at me and I’m looking at him and then he started to do the dance around and shake and I couldn’t get away quick enough,” Mr Selwood said. “I was losing a fair amount of blood, I was stunned, I couldn’t register what happened and then I thought oh my God, I’ve got to get out of here.”

For such a close brush with a shark, Mr. Selwood came off relatively lightly. He was taken to hospital and treated for his injuries.

Despite his close encounter, Mr. Selwood said he was desperate to get back out to wet a line.

“It won’t deter me from fishing, no way in the world,” he said.

Terry Selwood, man. Dude was on all fours, looking a shark in the eye who had just leaped into his boat, and only then did it occur to him to get the hell out of there. Seriously though, we’re not safe in boats anymore? That was the safe refuge, man. Now the sharks are coming right into the boats like Jaws? Sweet Jesus. What’s next, Land Sharks?

 

 

On a positive note, the hair plugs are really taking hold.

DM – Tiger Woods was asked to perform a Walk and Turn first, according to the affidavit, but ‘could not maintain starting position,’ ‘missed heel to toe each time,”stepped off line several times’ and ‘used arms for balance.’ Woods also ‘stopped walking to steady self’ at one point notes the report. He next was asked to perform a One Leg Stand, and was unable to raise his leg off the ground six inches, placing his foot down ‘several times’ while he tried to complete the test. The Finger To Nose seemed to confuse Woods, who despite having the instructions explained to him multiple times and claiming he understood what was being asked of him failed to complete the task as ordered according to the report.

The fifth test went much better however for Woods, when he recited the National Anthem backwards, though the report noted he did need the task explained to him ‘several times.’

Wait. H-o-l-d up a second. Easy, kids. That last paragraph really threw me for loop there. So let me get this straight. So Tiger couldn’t do the Walk and Turn, One Leg Stand and Finger to Nose drills, but he recited the National Anthem backwards? Who the hell can recite the National Anthem backwards? I couldn’t begin to do it, and I’m as sober as Sparky right now. “Brave the of home and . . .” That’s impossible. That might be a bigger accomplishment than Tiger’s 14 Majors, man. Incredible.

Fox NewsNorth Korean leader Kim Jong Un warned Tuesday of sending a bigger “gift package” to the United States after laughing and cheering as North Korea successfully launched its third missile test in recent weeks.

North Korea’s official KCNA news agency quoted the rogue leader, saying that Pyongyang would continue to develop its missile program in preparation for a possible attack, Reuters reported.

“He expressed the conviction that it would make a greater leap forward in this spirit to send a bigger ‘gift package’ to the Yankees,” KCNA added.

Kim Jong Un, man. Does the dude even know who our president is? Trump will drop a nuke on that dude so quickly it’ll make his head spin, except he won’t have one at that point. Who does he think he’s dealing with, JFK? Bro doesn’t know what compromise means. Believe me, once Trump quits focusing on “fake news”, his Twitter account and Hillary, he’s going to turn around, take notice of this little twit, and lay down the American hammer. Kim Jong Un, man. Better back off, little man.

A brazen meat thief has been caught on camera stuffing hundreds of dollars worth of prime cuts down his pants.

Sheriff’s deputies in Mobile County, Alabama, on Tuesday said they are seeking a man and a woman in connection with the stunning broad-daylight meat heist that took place on April 19th.

‘We are actively looking for these “Meat Packers”,’ the sheriff’s office said in a statement.

Security cameras at the Greer’s Market in Theodore, Alabama, which is about 20-miles south of Mobile, caught the criminals in the act around 1:15 pm.

First off, how in the hell can you fit hundreds of dollars of steaks down your pants? What’s the average price of a nice steak at Greer’s Market in Theodore, Alabama, maybe $15-$20? Hell, you’d have to stuff 20 to 25 Porterhouses down your britches to get to “hundreds” of dollars. Dude must have had a lot of room in there. Stunning meat heist indeed. And I’m glad the sheriff is “actively looking for the meat packers.” Lawmen who inactively look for bad guys are rarely successful.

PS- Yes, although I was tempted I refrained from making a joke using the words “prime cut” and “pants”. That’s self-control right there, kids. 

PPS- While searching for an appropriate photo I typed “meat stuffed into pants” into Google Image search. Don’t ever do that.

Source The “Alien” signals have been pinpointed. New research has identified a cradle of young stars 2.4-billion light years away as the source of mysterious fast radio bursts detected on Earth.

These bursts – which each lasted just a few milliseconds – come from dense neutron stars just 12-miles across in the constellation Auriga.

Experts are baffled about these strange bursts, with some speculating it could be a sign of alien life trying to contact us.

And so it begins. The people of Auriga just shooting signals to us like an extra-terrestrial boss, and we’re too damn dumb to interpret them. We need to get our best minds on this immediately, guys like Stephen Hawking, Carl Sagan (no idea if he’s still alive), or Bill Nye the Science Guy. Somebody’s gotta decipher those radio bursts, and I mean now. Hell, they could have been a warning, a heads-up telling us the Auriga Armada is on its way to Earth to destroy us all. And spare me with the “2.4-billion light years away is too far away” garbage. Who knows what kind of technology these space people possess? Now excuse me while I go make preparations for the end of mankind.

Thought: I wonder if anybody has tried Morse Code?

The Donald. Dude can’t get out of his own way. Just flat tells his Israeli audience he “Just got back from the Middle East.” I swear he doesn’t know Israel is in the Middle East. Geography 101, kids. And check out the Israeli ambassador. Bro looks like Hillary on election night, just flabbergasted like you read about. Trump, man. He keeps blogs like mine alive. God bless him.

On a related note, I never thought I’d miss this guy so much:

You guys read my post and watched the video a couple days ago about the little girl being snatched by the Sea Lion, right? Sure you did. Well, I was a little tough on the mother for just walking away without thanking the guy who saved her kid.

W-e-l-l, turns out I’m not the only one. Mr. Robert Kiesman of the Steveston Harbour Authority is a little pissed at everyone’s behavior on that dock. Dude just kills me with his sarcasm. Take a read:

NBS News: Blame the parents, not the hungry sea lion.

That’s exactly what the head of a Canadian port did after a young girl playing on a pier was dragged into the drink by a California sea lion — and video of the dramatic rescue went viral after it hit the internet.

Accusing them of “reckless behavior,” Robert Kiesman of the Steveston Harbour Authority said the girl’s parents put her in harm’s way.

“There are signs all over the dock that explicitly warn people not to feed the sea mammals and the penalty for “disturbing” an animal is a $100,000 fine, Kiesman said.

“You wouldn’t go up to a grizzly bear in the bush and hand him a ham sandwich, so you shouldn’t be handing a thousand-pound wild animal in the water slices of bread,” he said. “You can only spend so much time protecting people from their reckless behavior. We’ve now seen an example of why it’s illegal to do this and why it’s dangerous and frankly stupid to do this.”

Meanwhile, the Vancouver Aquarium is urging the girl’s family to get in touch with them for information about handling a possible infection.

“Seals and sea lions carry some pretty nasty bacteria in their mouth,” Danielle Hyson, a senior marine mammal trainer at the aquarium, told The Province newspaper in Vancouver.

God, I love everything about this. Hey, you wouldn’t hand a grizzle bear a ham sandwich, would you, dumbass? That’s a 1,000 pound wild animal, fools. But hey, you can only spend so much time protecting people from their dumbness.

I also love how Danielle Hyson of the Vancouver Aquarium got her shot in. Just a heads-up, morons, but Sea Lions carry some pretty nasty bacteria in their mouth. Might wanna get that looked at.

And I swear Robert Kiesman is happy this happened. For him it’s a lesson for all the idiots who come through his Steveston Harbour Authority. I’m betting he’s said this to his wife a million times at the dinner table:

“Man, I wish one of those Sea Lions would leap up and eat one of these tourist’s kids. Maybe then they would listen.”

Dream come true for Robert Kiesman. Dream come true.

ZimbabweA pastor has been killed after he was eaten by three crocodiles while trying to walk on water, it has been claimed. Jonathan Mthethwa was trying to show his congregation how Jesus walked on water by crossing what is locally known as Crocodile River on foot, according to local reports.

However, he did not make it across the river in Zimbabwe.

The pastor, from the Saint of the Last Days church, managed to get around 90-ft into the river, the paper reported, before trying to climb onto the surface of the river.

Eyewitness Deacon Nkosi told Zimbabwe Today: ‘The pastor taught us about faith on Sunday last week. He promised he would demonstrate his faith to us today, but he unfortunately ended up drowning and getting eaten by three large crocodiles in front of us. We still don’t understand how this happened because he fasted and prayed the whole week. They finished him in a couple of minutes. All that was left of him when they finished eating him is a pair of sandals and his underwear floating above the water.”

First off, I’m trying hard as hell not to laugh at the fact that the gators passed on eating the underwear, I really am. But can you believe the gators passed on eating the underwear? Gators, man. Even they have their limits. But seriously, Pastor Jonathan Mthethwa, I’ve always questioned this line of thinking where faith is concerned. “Hey, let’s really push God to the limit! I’m going to grab this rattlesnake to prove I have faith! The Lord will save me!” Well, maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll just wonder why you didn’t use the common sense he gave you as he watches you die a painful death from internal hemorrhaging. I mean, God helps those who help themselves, amirite?

Note: This reminds me of the old story about the man who was in his house as flood waters rose outside his door. A guy in a boat came by and offered to help, but the man said, “No thanks, God will provide help for me.” As the water rose, two more men in boats came by and were told the same thing. Eventually the man drowned, and when he stood at the pearly gates  he had this conversation with God:

Man: “I believed in you and had faith you would help me. Why did you forsake me?”

God: “I sent three boats for you. What else did you expect, man?”

He’s coming for you, Donald.

GQ- Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, the highest paid movie star on the planet and a committed dad, told GQ that he’s thinking about running for president of the United States.

“I think that it’s a real possibility,” the “Baywatch” actor confessed. “A year ago, it started coming up more and more. There was a real sense of earnestness, which made me go home and think, ‘Let me really rethink my answer and make sure I am giving an answer that is truthful and also respectful.’”

You know, years ago I would have laughed at this notion. A professional fake wrestler running for leader of the free world? No way he could win, right? Nowadays though, well, things have changed a little haven’t they? I used to think that Arnold being elected Governor of California and Jesse “The Body” Ventura running the show in Minnesota were anomalies, but no more. Not after this whole Donald thing. And hey, The Rock is qualified. After all, he’s a movie star and committed dad. Anyway, I’m going to get in on the ground floor of this “Rock for President” thing, baby.

PS- Seriously, can you imagine Trump vs The Rock in 2020? That would be stellar.

The nation’s demographics are on a clear trajectory: White people are dying faster than they are being born, which means they are on target to become a minority in the United States in 30-years.

“This is without historical precedent,” said Kenneth Johnson, the senior demographer at the University of New Hampshire’s Carsey School of Public Policy. “The minority population is growing, and the non-Hispanic white population is not.”

Whites currently account for 62% of the population but 78% of deaths, according to Johnson’s analysis.

“I don’t think people fully appreciate how much natural increase [more births than deaths] contributes to the nation’s growing diversity,” Johnson said. “If you ask people why is America more diverse, they would say it’s because minorities are being born. What nobody ever thinks about is that a lot more whites are dying.”

Well, well. How the tide has turned. Honestly, I can’t decide if this is good or bad for the White Supremacy crowd. On the one hand, how can they be supreme if they’re a minority? Can’t have that. Somebody might build a wall to keep them out, man. We can’t be getting all diverse and whatnot, that’s un- American!

On the other hand, they may soon be getting all those great privileges they say minorities get, like getting the first shot at jobs and the cute girls and stuff.

The world, man. How dare it change like this on us?

PS- Is it me or does Kenneth Johnson seem a little too happy about all these white people dying?

PPS- I swear to God I’ll get messages from people who don’t recognize sarcasm and think I’m serious. I can’t wait to show them to you.

SourceA fantasy fanatic has spent more than £25,000 on plastic surgery as he wants to become a real-life elf.

Luis Padron, 25, from Buenos Aires, Argentina, became obsessed with the world of elves, angels and fantasy beings after being bullied as a child. He became determined to look like his favorite otherworldly characters and started bleaching his hair and skin.

Mr. Padron gets unusual looks but says he doesn’t care what people think and said he won’t stop until he has fully ‘transformed’ into an elf.

He’s having plastic surgery in order to have pointy-ears, and is even having ribs removed to maintain a more elvish figure. 

His lifestyle comes at a cost, with a $5,000 monthly cost to continue bleaching his skin and hair, high sunscreen to prevent his skin from tanning, contact lenses, make-up and care products.

“I don’t consider this an obsession, but in fantasy you have all of the hope, love, friendship and good feelings,” he said.

Sure, nothing screams “not obsessive” like changing your body to look exactly like an elf. That’s not obsessive at all. I mean, I’d have probably gone with the golden-locked Thor, but that’s just me. But hey, I’m not mad at this guy. If he wants to look like a pointy-eared, supernatural, make-believe, mischievous fairy more power to him.  Gotta chase your dreams, man.

PS- Sixty grand a year seems a little steep to maintain an elf-like appearance, but what do I know?

PPS- Best elf ever? Buddy.

Listen, it’s no secret that I think Donald Trump is batshit crazy and the most unfit and unprepared human being to ever be elected leader of the free world. And while I voted for Hillary, I did so whilst looking sideways and holding my nose. Our choices in 2016 weren’t the greatest, man. That said, here’s where we are, with a former reality TV show host as President of the United States and the woman he defeated totally out of touch with reality.

Hillary is out and about again, presumably after 6-months of sitting in a corner and repeating, “I was beaten by an orange guy who grabs women by the pu$$y?”

Well, she was, she’s out, and she still doesn’t grasp what happened. At a Women for Women International conference she was quoted as saying, “I was on the way to winning until FBI Director James Comey’s letter on October 28th raised doubts in voters leaning toward me.” She also said that “Misogyny played a role as well.”

Uh, I hate to tell you this, Hill, but the doubts were already there. Had to be. Oh, I’m sure a few folks changed their minds after that letter, but no way did it swing the election. As far as her gender, of course there are nitwits who wouldn’t vote for a woman regardless, but we all knew that going in, right?

Bottom line, people didn’t trust Hillary Clinton and haven’t for years. She’d been caught in lies and she’s always had this sketchy, phony vibe about her. Say what you want about her husband (who I loved and still love), but he had a charisma that drew voters to him. He could be convincing when he wanted to be (insert Monica Lewinsky joke here), and Hillary has never been able to pull that off. Combine that with Trump telling a lot of people exactly what they wanted to hear and we ended up where we are.

Hillary should just come clean, tell everyone she blew the election, and move on with her life.

But blaming everyone except herself? Big mistake.

Honestly, this may have been the moment she lost the election.

“Meh. Could’ve used a little tabasco sauce.”

Reuters: DNA tests on the carcass of a crocodile shot in Zimbabwe have confirmed that it contains the remains of a missing South African hunter, an investigator has told the BBC.

Scott Van Zyl was killed last week on the banks of the Limpopo river, said Sakkie Louwrens, director of a South-African crime-fighting NGO. He said Mr Van Zyl disappeared during a hunting safari last week.

His death is the latest in a series of fatal crocodile attacks in Zimbabwe.

Mr Louwrens told the BBC that Mr Van Zyl had gone on a hunting trip on the Zimbabwe-South Africa border with a local tracker and a pack of dogs. He said the pair left their vehicle and went in different directions in search of crocodiles.

A search and rescue operation was launched after Mr Van Zyl’s dogs returned to their camp without him.

I can imagine the dog’s conversation after the croc grabbed this guy:

“Well hell, Ernie, looks like that croc ain’t playin’. Think we should try and help?”

“Hell no. Let’s head back to the truck.”

Honestly, I have no sympathy for this guy. Anyone who messes with animals of any kind, wild or not, deserves a good old fashioned mauling. Same for bullfighters, man. I love it when the bull just gores the bejesus out of some dope with a cape.

PS- I’m no expert in the area of hunting dangerous animals but it seems like splitting up would be a bad idea. You know, maybe keep a friend with a gun handy. Just sayin’.