George Washington: Original American Badass

In honor of Independence Day I thought it would be appropriate to honor a true American Hero, the toughest mofo in our history, the Original American Badass – Mr. George Washington.

In my history classes George Washington was simply referred to as “The Man”, and boy, was it for good reason.

Yes, George was our first president, but he was also The Original Badass. Thomas Jefferson described him as an irritable man, saying once his temper “broke its bonds, he was most tremendous in his wrath.” His intimidation factor was enhanced by the fact that nobody had ever seen him lose a fight. Hell, the Iroquois Indians gave him the title of “Caunotaucarius” which roughly translates as “destroyer of villages.” Yikes. He was definitely known for his rages, but it was said he calmed down once the storm passed and everyone changed their pants.

George grew up in Virginia and got his start as a Colonel of Colonial Forces in the French and Indian War, where he went out into the woods and beat the holy living hell out of a bunch of French soldiers.  When he gained a foothold in French territory in the West of Virginia, they called for reinforcements and completely surrounded his fortress, forcing him to surrender.  So what did George do?  He went out into the woods and ambushed any French units that came his way.  He personally would punch French ministers in the mouth and then hold them upside down by their feet while all their change fell out of their fruity coin purses so that he could send the money back the Britain to help pay for the crown jewels.  Eventually, the French realized how awesome he was and gave up trying to fight him.

During another battle in the French and Indian War, four bullets actually went through his coat and one went through his hat. George? He was fine. Oh, and he had two horses killed while he was riding them. Instead of realizing that God wanted him to walk, George just thought, “Man, bad day for horses, huh?” and picked his next victim to murder. No sweat for The Man, man.

At the Battle of the Monongahela, he rode back and forth across the battlefield, rallying the troops to a safe retreat among heavy fire and guys dying all around him. A witness said, “I expected every moment to see him fall. Nothing but the superintending care of God could have saved him.” His Indian enemies later stated that they had singled out Washington as a target, but their bullets had no effect as if he was protected by an invisible power. That’s some wild badassery right there. Years later, an Indian chief traveled to meet Washington. He recounted the battle, saying, “Our rifles were leveled, rifles which, but for you, knew not how to miss … I am come to pay homage to the man … who can never die in battle.”

Su-weet.

During the Revolutionary War, we desperately needed a spark. The British Army had basically been kicking our asses and George’s Continental Army was on the run.

But not for long.

There goes a BAD man.

In a decision that changed the course of human history, George crossed the Delaware River in the bitter cold through snow and ice on Christmas night in 1776, and his men attacked and defeated the dreaded and feared Hessian mercenaries at Trenton. As Washington and his boys rolled up, the Hessians looked up and saw Washington crash the boat into some rocks, somersault out and begin wasting Hessians like a revolutionary boss.

That, my friends, turned the war around. Think about it – if George hadn’t had the cajones to pull it off that night you probably wouldn’t be sitting at your laptop right now. Like I said, course of human history and whatnot.

During the battle of Princeton in 1777, the American regiment was basically defeated. Done. Then George showed up. He arrived to a battle in which the British were completely destroying us and American men were fleeing from all angles. This must have been confusing to George, who never understood why people were afraid of bullets. Things were falling apart on an impossible scale, which is of course when The Man shone brightest. Washington rode over to the fleeing men and matter-of-factly called out, “Parade with us, my brave fellows! There is but a handful of the enemy, and we will have them directly.” Just a parade, boys. No big deal. Follow me! They did, of course, and won the battle. That’s how much they believed in George Washington. Either that or they were more afraid of him than the British. Probably a little of both.

Then, when it was time to fire the cannons at the decisive and war-ending Battle of Yorktown, guess who lit up the Redcoats with the first shot? Yep. George.

It wasn’t long before the British had enough of getting wrecked and surrendered. Freedom!

Listen to this one. After George led us to victory, his troops decided to throw him a farewell party. It might behoove you to know that this party was thrown just days before he and the rest of the crew signed off on the Constitution. The celebration was held at Philly’s historic City Tavern, and things took quite a turn. Here’s what George and 54 of his posse consumed in one crazy night:

• 54 bottles of Madeira
• 60 bottles of claret
• 22 bottles of porter
• 12 bottles of beer
• 8 bottles of hard cider
• 8 bottles of Old Stock (a.k.a. colonial whiskey)
• 7 large bowls of spiked punch

Note: Good thing they added the 7 large bowls of spiked punch, huh? Had to make sure everyone got a proper buzz. On a related note, I’m guessing the beer was for James Madison. I heard that cat loved his barley pops.

Seriously kids, all this for just 54 men.  Good God. Look at that list again and do the math. It’s a miracle everyone survived, let alone craft out what is arguably the greatest document in the history of the world a few days later. Those cats were hardos, man.

Did I mention George was usually the best dressed man in the room and that he could cut a rug on the dance floor too? Of course he could.

After the war, when he was the most popular dude in the country, he resigned his commission and went back to his farm. People wanted him to be the king, and he just said, “Seriously? That’s what we were fighting to get away from. No thanks, I’m going home now.” Later, after he reluctantly agreed to be the first President of the United States, he voluntarily retired after two terms when he could have been in office for life.

Honorable, man.

To reiterate, George was a fearless leader of men, dodged bullets, created this country, and taught everybody that a cause can be greater than any one person or group of people. Not a bad life.

So, is there any question as to who was the Original American Badass?

Didn’t think so.

It was George Washington.