Archive for April, 2015

Bad idea, boys.

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The Great Falls/Cascade County Crimestoppers posted a wanted poster of Levi Charles Reardon on their Facebook Page. He was accused of stealing someone’s wallet and cashing checks and had two warrants out for his arrest. He must have enjoyed his mugshot or was proud of his accomplishments because he proceeded to “like” the post on the Facebook page. He is currently in custody waiting for sentencing.

Hey, Levi Charles Reardon, I ain’t mad at ya. You see a nice pic of yourself on a Facebook page with your awesome chinstrap beard, baby blue-eyes and dreamy good looks, whaddaya do? You “like” the it, damn it. End of story. The fact that it ends up with you in po-po custody is irrelevant, man.

Keep being you, Levi Charles Reardon. Keep being you.

On a related note . . .

Holy Mother, check out that Sarcastic Fringehead. Bro has a pretty big kisser there, man. Sarcastic Fringehead’s are small but ferocious fish that live in the Pacific Ocean. They’re very territorial so they hide out in shells or crevices,  then come out all sarcastic and whatnot, just pissing everyone off with their bad attitudes. When they see another Sarcastic Fringehead they throw a hissy fit, then both fish open their mouths wide and sort of wrestle. The one with the bigger mouth then established dominance. Nature, man. Anywho, Sarcastic Fringehead.

asarcastisfringehead

Here he is just chillaxin’.

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Amazing when you think about it.

MapEconomicActivity

That is the scream of a man that truly believed he was going to die.

LOS ANGELES — Bumble Bee Foods and two managers were charged by Los 1Angeles prosecutors Monday with violating safety regulations in the death of a worker who was cooked in an industrial oven with tons of tuna.

Jose Melena was performing maintenance in a 35-foot-long oven at the company’s Santa Fe Springs plant before dawn Oct. 11, 2012, when a co-worker, who mistakenly believed Melena was in the bathroom, filled the pressure cooker with 12,000 pounds of canned tuna and turned it up to 270º.

Boy, bad day for Jose Melena, huh? What a way to go. One minute you’re performing menial labor in a 35-foot long industrial oven and the next you’re buried in 12,000 pounds of canned tuna, just cookin’ like a mofo.

And how about this c0-worker? Dude thought Jose was in the bathroom? Never thought to take a look in the oven before dumping 6-tons of tuna in there? C’mon, Bumble Bee Foods. I ain’t buying it. I smell something fishy here.

PS – I hope Bumble Bee Foods has some industrial strength cleaning solution for their industrial oven. Yeeks.

So this is the first in a series on my Mt. Rushmore’s of Stuff. The idea is to give my Top 4 in several categories, from music to TV to sports to movies to former girlfriends. Just kidding about the girlfriend thing. That would be tragic, for me at least.

Anywho, let us begin with my Mt. Rushmore of Alt Bands. I’ll add pics and videos too. Woot!

R.E.M.

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Hells to the yah! Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve been a big REM guy since 1983. I’ve seen them in high school gymnasiums with 100-people and arenas with 20,000 screaming fans. You know why people today don’t realize how unique REM’s sound was? Because half the music heard today imitates them. That’s a fact, Jack.

Here’s early REM singing “Sitting Still” featuring Peter Buck’s jangly guitar.

They Might Be Giants

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Ah, the boys from Brooklyn, still going strong after 30-years. This quirky duo spawned bands like Fountains of Wayne, Nerf Herder, The Presidents of the USA and many, many more. Known for their weird, off-beat lyrics and subject matter, only TMBG can create a catchy little ditty about, of all things, child abuse.

Here they are with their classic “Birdhouse in Your Soul”, an absolute gem of a song if there ever was one.

The Eels

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The Eels are basically a one man band, and that man is Mark Oliver Everett, better known as E. You can read everything you need to know about him in my acclaimed blog Mark Oliver Everett: A Man Called E. E’s songs are soulful, sad, and carry with them a sort of a plaintive desperation combined with a hopefullness that will touch your heart. I love The Eels and firmly believe they’re one of the most amazing, under-appreciated bands to ever record music.

Check out E singing “Souljacker, Part 1” from the Souljacker album. That’s rock n’ roll, folks.

The Replacements / Paul Westerberg 

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I just had to include Westerberg’s solo stuff too. I wrote a blog about him called Man Without Ties: Paul Westerberg if you want to check it out. However, he began with the raucous, loud, groundbreaking band called The Replacements, true pioneers of alternative rock. The band rocked its ass off, but did it with catchy, melodic hooks that were infectious as hell. All this was topped off by Westerberg’s raw-throated adolescent howl. Like Nirvana and Pearl Jam? Without The Replacements they simply would not exist.

Here’s Westerberg performing a great version of his song “Love Untold”. So, so good.

There ya go, my Mt. Rushmore of Alt Music. Like I said, I’ll have several more, perhaps the most anticipated being The Mt. Rushmore of People I Hate. That will be a classic. Stay tuned!

 

Parfect.

Stellar tweet, Matt Fernandez.

Posted: April 29, 2015 in Humor
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Well done, sir.

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Well, hell-o-o-o-o-o ladies. I am the Cape Rain Frog. I look like a softball with legs. If you step on me I’ll pop like a water balloon, so be gentle. I hail from South Africa, so if you’re ever down this way gimme a holler.

Honestly, the Cape Rain Frog can’t get a date kids, even with that adorable little mug. Fix him up with a toad or something. Anywho, Cape Rain Frog.

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acaperainfrog

How many have YOU been to?

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Risky but well played.

The Jeweled Flower Mantis sure is purty, ain’t he? Check out those wings, man. See, he’s mimicking a flower so he can draw you in and eat you. And while the males are fairly communal the females are cannibalistic. Women, man. My crack staff says they “make easy pets with proper care.” Uh, OK. Not sure if I’d want one snuggling up with me on the couch, but hey, to each his own. Anywho, Jeweled Flower Mantis. Woot!

ajewelledflowermantis

This route will hit all the major landmarks in each state. Bucket list!

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So James Hardin wore this little number the other night, further illustrating that NBA players will literally wear anything in an effort to be different. This is apparently a vest of some sort, or perhaps James has suffered a shoulder injury I’m not aware of. Seriously though, these players “stylists” are just making fools of them intentionally now, amirite? Whaddafug, man?

On a related note, Hardin was asked to shave his beard for a million dollars, with the cash going to a charity of his choice. He said no thanks. Sigh.

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Yeah, sorta like this.

The first sign of trouble was the perking of the ears.

As we walked along the desolate beach, my beloved companion Sparky stopped, turned towards the ocean, and stared.

Something was amiss.

Before I could react, The Spark sprung into action. He bolted towards the surf, entering the water and pogoing over the waves like a hound possessed, then swimming past the breakers. Then, to my horror, he went under, diving headfirst into the abyss.

For a moment, the world was deathly quiet. Somewhere overhead, a gull called.

Suddenly, the silence was broken when a giant sea creature burst forth from the drink. At first I thought it was a stingray, but I soon realized it was a skate, a similar and equally dangerous undersea leviathan.

But where was my best friend and beloved companion? My mind was filled with worst case scenarios, endgames I not dare contemplate.

What I witnessed next will be etched in my mind forever.

Erupting from the sea came a furry, wet ball of canine fury, teeth gnashing, gutteral growls emitting from his very being. He leapt upon the sea creature’s back, grabbed its tail with his vice-like jaws, and proceeded to surf the animal towards the shoreline upon a huge wave.

Upon arrival at shore, he wrestled the animal away from the ocean, whipped it over his head by its tail and body-slammed it, then proceeded to end the fight with a vicious and ultimately fatal bite to the beast’s spine.

At that point Sparky stood with one foot on the head of the skate, head raised high as he stood with great pride over his vanquished opponent.

The battle had ended and The Spark had emerged victorious, thus saving me from a brutal and horrific death had I entered the sea.

Good dog, Spark. Good dog.

Note: We actually came upon a dead skate on the beach. Spark seemed proud, as if he had something to do with its demise. Hence, this story. Have a good day.

Note 2: Perhaps that is a ray. I can’t tell.

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The sweet smell of victory. Or something.

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That may leave a mark.

A Big Pine Key shark enthusiast is lucky to have his left arm after being bitten by a blue shark April 13 in ocean waters near mile marker 20.

Mark Rackley, a shark videographer for more than 25 years, said he knew he got too close to the shark but couldn’t help himself. Rackley said he agitated the shark by following it out 300 yards into the ocean.

“I’ve never seen a blue shark in the Keys before,” said Rackley, who estimates the shark was between 8 and 9 feet long. “I maneuvered to be in front of her to take photos. When I was over her, she swung her head around immediately and clamped onto my shoulder and bicep. It happened before I could blink.”

Rackley let go of his camera and grabbed the shark, which immediately let him go. But even while being bit, Rackley said, “I thought to myself, ‘What a beautiful shark.’ “

Wait. “What a beautiful shark?” “WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SHARK?”

Good God.

But hey Mark Rackley, I ain’t mad at ya. I love beautiful animals myself. I’d much rather watch a deer jump over a fence than shoot it with a rifle. Sharks though? That’s just dumb bro. By following your line of thinking your last thoughts or words could include the following:

“Wow. What a beautiful grizzly bear.”

“Man, that’s a gorgeous school of piranha.”

“Hold on. Let me get a close-up of this rabid hyena.”

“Deathstalker Scorpions aren’t dangerous are they? I’m going to kiss its nose. Get this on camera.”

You know, like that.

Jeebus.

 

The 300 Club Dinner will be held at Paint Valley HS this Saturday, May 2nd (tickets still 1available!), which brings to mind the first 300 Club Dinner ever held at our school. Yours truly was Athletic Director at the time and I was in charge of that inaugural event.

I’d gone to several other 300 Club events around southern Ohio in order to see how things were organized, and as a result I was fearful of a major screw-up. For example, at one of the dinners in Adams County they got down to the final 5 ticket holders but there were 7 people left. That, my friends, was a worst case scenario. You see, the 300 Club is a deal where 300 tickets are sold at $100 apiece. Then, at the dinner the tickets are placed in a bin and drawn out one-by-one. Everybody wins something, but when I ran the drawing the next-to-the-last ticket drawn got $2000.00 and the final ticket drawn won $8000.00.

To ratchet up the suspense, the last 5 remaining ticket holders were called up at the end and given the chance to either split the remaining $10,000.00 between them or keep going until the final two get the $8000.00 and $2000.00 respectively. See, if you choose to split the cash you’re guaranteed $2000.00, but if you go for it and finish 3rd through 5th you might end up with a gift card good for a free haircut or something. Bummer. The only stipulation is that all five people have to agree.

Remember that.

Fortunately, we got down to our final 5-tickets and only 5-people were left. Big relief, but here’s where the fun began. The final five were called to the stage, and each was called up individually to announce their decision. One by one they stepped to the microphone. That’s when the hilarity ensued:

1st ticket holder: “I’d definitely like to split the money and take the $2000.00.”

2nd ticket holder: “I’ll take the $2000.00!”

3rd ticket holder: “Heck yes! I’ll take the $2000.00!”

4th ticket holder: “I agree with everyone else. I’d like to take the $2000.00!”

The last ticket holder was my good friend and former assistant coach, Mike Carroll. Mike was, shall we say, a bit of a renegade who pretty much did what he wanted without regard for other folk’s opinions. Knowing this, I had a feeling it might get interesting. It was then he uttered these famous words:

“How many people came here to see somebody win $8000.00? LET’S GO FOR IT!”

For 5-seconds, crickets. Then, pandemonium. The place exploded with cheers as people roared their approval. I just smiled and shook my head. The four other tickets holders also shook their heads, minus the, you know, smiling thing.

And so we went for it. One by one the last 5-tickets were slowly drawn.

I think you can all guess who won the $8000.00, right?

You got it.

But really, could it have ended any other way?

Seriously? I thought Alaska led the nation in suicides. What gives?

MapofWellbeing

Good God man! Look at that Lancetfish! The ocean’s a wacky place, ain’t it? Lancetfish can grow to over 6-feet long and have really big dorsal fins. It can actually depress the fin into its back, as you can see in the bottom picture. Cool beans. It can also swim really fast and can be cannibalistic. Not so cool beans. Anywho, Lancetfish.

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aLancetFish

I just looked at my reflection in the mirror. It blinked.

Bonus pic:

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This.

Puppy!

[unmute at bottom]

Nope. Just a hat.

Posted: April 26, 2015 in Assclowns, Humor
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Good Lord.

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The Road Runner, noted bully.

You’ve all read about the national initiative on bullying and all the recent cases that led up to it. It seems everyone’s being bullied these days. Bullying at school, bullying in the workplace, bullying in the National Football League for cryin’ out loud.

Am I nuts or did bullying used to be limited to children? When I was young I don’t recall any grown men or women being bullied. Now? Everyone can be bullied. It’s a national epidemic.

Because of all these nationally publicized cases of bullying we now have a National Bullying Initiative, aimed at creating laws to stop the madness. So, at the risk of going against the grain and being politically incorrect, please indulge me for a few minutes and let’s chat. If I offend you in any way please take no offense, as this isn’t intended to hurt your feelings or turn you into a victim.

To start, don’t we already have laws that protect people from being harassed, intimidated, and terrorized? And isn’t it a waste of time and money to try and pass laws that are attempting to turn people into saints? Children and adults are always going to make fun of each other on one level or another. That’s never going to change. And you can’t have laws protecting hurt feelings, for God’s sake.

It seems a lot of this seems to have stemmed from a few celebrated cases in which a young man or woman committed suicide and bullying was singled out as the cause.  But the truth is, there is no scientific evidence that bullying causes suicide. The fact is that people commit suicide because of mental illness. It is a treatable problem with a preventable outcome. Bullying, on the other hand, is defined as “an ongoing pattern of intimidation by a child or teenager over others who have less power.” Committing suicide is almost always the end result of a much bigger problem, and almost never results from being bullied. In fact, from what I’ve read suicide is rarely if ever caused by a single factor like breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend, getting bad grades or being bullied (or cyber-bullied, another problem that’s been grossly exaggerated). It’s much more complicated than that.

It’s sort of like back in the 80’s, when rock lyrics were being blamed for a few well-publicized suicides. Listen, if your child kills himself the problem goes much deeper than the fact that he was listening to some Ozzy Osbourne or Marilyn Manson records.

I bet every single person reading this was “bullied” in one form or another while growing up. Sure, we were upset, we may have cried or been afraid on some level. Still, we persevered and did so without mom and dad running to our defense, trying to get the “bully” arrested, or God forbid, try and take our own life.

Amazing, really. How did we make it without their help?

I’m going to throw out a wild idea here, but don’t you think that maybe, just maybe, if we raised our children to be more independent and self-reliant they might be able to deal with their problems a little more effectively?

Just a thought.

Sometimes, life isn’t easy. There isn’t always going to be an adult around to protect us, no “anti-bullying” law to magically save us from harm. Often times we have to face our problems on our own and deal with the consequences. By facing our problems head-on, we grow and earn that precious self-esteem that adults nowadays seem to want to simply hand over to us.

So why are we teaching are kids to run away from adversity?

Note: Remember when TV and movies were filled with those awful “bullies”? That Bugs Bunny dude was picking on poor Daffy Duck constantly. And how about Biff from “Back to the Future”? We all know how George McFly dealt with that bad boy – the old fashioned way: