Archive for July, 2015

So Oreo announced a brand new product recently, and I was overcome with 920002_1_0708-Oreo_standardjoy. What could it be? My mind was reeling with possibilities. I was just hoping it wasn’t another weird flavor like Lemon Oreos or more of that nonsense. My secret hope? Triple Stuffed Oreos. That would be unbelievable news, almost too much to take in. Then, the big announcement from Nabisco came. Wait for it . . . Oreo Thins.


Yes, they unleashed on an unsuspecting public a new Oreo, just like the old Oreo but with less Oreo. What genius thought this was a good idea?

460xGood God Nabisco, what is wrong with you? I mean, look at that thing. Looks like a regular Oreo that was run over by a steamroller.

Blasphemy! Heresy! Out-freakin’-rageous.

Skinny Oreos? You go to hell Nabisco. You go straight to hell.

PS – What’s next, Cheez-Its with less cheese?

PSS – Hey Nabisco, I assume these are going to cost half of what regular Oreos cost, right? RIGHT?

Sheldon Richardson is an NFL player. He plays for the New York Jets and 55bba42fe0478.imagemade the Pro Bowl last year. He recently signed a 4-year, $10,054,000 contract. With all that on the line, here’s what he decided to do on July 14th:

O’FALLON, MO. • New York Jets defensive lineman Sheldon Richardson was charged with resisting arrest and various traffic violations stemming from a high-speed, late-night road race on Highway 40 (Interstate 64) on July 14, authorities said.

St. Charles County Prosecutor Tim Lohmar said Richardson, 24, a St. Louis native and former University of Missouri football star, drove a 2014 Bentley Silver Spur clocked by police upwards of 143 mph.

Lohmar said an O’Fallon officer tried to stop Richardson’s westbound car shortly before midnight. Richardson exited at Wing Haven Boulevard and sped through a red light.

A 12-year-old male relative and two adult men were passengers in Richardson’s car, authorities said. The arresting officer also reported a strong odor of marijuana in the vehicle.

So, as if driving 143 mph while stoned with a 12-year old kid in the car isn’t dumb enough, ol’ Sheldon decided to run from the cops too. S-m-a-r-t move, brother. It should come as no surprise that he’s already on a 4-game suspension for drug use.


Still surprised that 79% of NFL players go bankrupt within 3-years of retirement?

Because you shouldn’t be.


I hate to be cranky on this gorgeous day but there are a few things I need to get off my chest, things that have been bugging me. If you’ll indulge me for a moment and let me vent I’d appreciate it. This will only take a sec and you can be on your way. Here we go . . .

1. Wearing sunglasses indoors.


 Yes, unless you’re Ferris Bueller, don’t do this. You look like an idiot. Trying way too hard bro.

2. Popped collars.

Popped collars are making a comeback. Apparently the youngsters think this is a good look again. Advice to youngsters: It isn’t.

3. Men in capri pants.


Can we call these Manpris? I think we can. Yeah . . .  not a fan. This just screams European to me. No, really, I’d scream “EUROPEAN!” if I happened upon these atrocities. Want proof? Look at Dwyane Wade up there

4. People who talk loudly, on their cell phones, in public.

Years ago I used to think people were just proud of their cool cell phones and wanted us to notice. Now I just think they’re asshats.

5. People who wait until they get to the front of the line to order.


This happened to me on the way home from the beach. I went inside McDonalds because the drive-thru line was huge. Anyway, I’m about 5-people back and I have to wait. Then the woman in front of me gets her turn and proceeds to only then look at the menu and say, “Let’s see. H-u-m-m-m-m-m…” First of all, why do you even have to look at a McDonalds menu anyway? Did they add the Marinated Breast of Duck when I wasn’t paying attention? Secondly, you had 10-freaking minutes to look at the menu. Jeebus.

6. Movies that are too long.

This drives me insane. Virtually every movie out there could be, at a minimum, a half hour shorter. You see, you get these egotistical blowhard directors who think they’re making Ben Hur and they’re not. It’s Hangover II, dumbass. Keep it short and sweet, clean it up, slim it down, streamline that sucker. Sometimes, shorter is better.

7. Old guys who wear their hats backwards or sideways.


Yeah, not a good look after, say, 7-years old? Stop it. Just stop it. And sideways takes your douchebaggery up a couple more notches. Thought: I wonder if this is where the word “asshat” originated?

You know, it just occurred to me that I may be a bit too judgemental.


Have a good day.



The country formerly known as Russia apparently hasn’t heard about the whole cancer thing yet.


EAST GREENWICH, R.I. (WPRI) — One man was arrested and another artworks-000033101505-5fsl91-croprushed to the hospital Tuesday morning following a stabbing in East Greenwich. Police were called to an apartment building near the intersection of Main and Dedford Streets overnight for reports of a stabbing.

According to police, David Sisti, 60, went to Gary Raymond’s house and asked him to turn down the volume on the television. Police said shortly after that, Sisti went to the victim’s house armed with a nearly 8-inch kitchen knife and stabbed his neighbor in the chest and abdomen when the man answered his door.

Listen, I’m not mad at David Sisti for stabbing a guy over the TV volume. Not mad at all. I, however, usually go in the other direction. I feel like stabbing people that have the volume too low. Nothing worse than straining to hear the TV when you’re watching a riveting episode of The View.

Yep, too many loud concerts for me. Not to mention I’ve played my music way too loud for way too long. My ears are shot, man.

So, turn my volume down and you might get stabbed with an 8-inch kitchen knife too, man. I gotta hear what Whoopi is saying about that Caitlyn Jenner chick.

Have a wonderful evening.

Name a better headline writer than me. You can’t. hqdefault

So I was following one of those gigantic Dodge Ram trucks with the huge tires yesterday. You know, the type guy’s buy to compensate for their . . . shortcomings in other areas. Anyway, I was in a thunderstorm but it wasn’t a monsoon or anything, just a steady downpour, your usual southern Ohio fare. Anyway, the guy was creeping along at a pace of about about 30 mph.


Good God, man, why do you drive a massive truck if you’re afraid to barrel through a thunderstorm like a badass? You’re embarrassing yourself, brother. Reminds me of a dude I was following in a Ford F450 the other day. I was in front of Lowe’s and I swear the guy was coming to a complete stop and then inching his way gently over the speed bumps as if his truck would break into pieces if he went too fast. Isn’t that sort of defeating the purpose of buying one of those gargantuan vehicles? Meanwhile, a blur-haired 85-year old lady in a 1987 Volvo went zipping by in the other direction, bouncing over the speed bumps like a Mexican Jumping Bean on on a Starbuck’s binge.

But back to my awesome title. In these situations I’d love to have a Laugh Horn. That way I could pass these assclowns, hit my Laugh Horn, and they’d hear this:


Then I’ll motor away, leaving the asshat and their humongous gas guzzler in my dust. Brilliant idea, really.

Bottom line? I need a Laugh Horn and I needed it yesterday.

People aren’t immigrating to Mexico? Stunning.

[click to enlarge]


Nothing to see here. Just a bro riding his cows. Spectacularly I might add.


Well, it is an attractive shrub.

Well, it is an attractive shrub.

An 81-year-old man from Stratford, Conn., was arrested Monday for performing a sex act with some shrubs.

The man, Wallace Berg, was allegedly recorded walking around his yard nude, authorities said. The shocked neighbor who witnessed the incident stared as Berg “humped” a bush. The neighbor recorded the incident and later showed the police.

The neighbor reportedly confronted Berg, who “stopped the indecent behavior, covered himself with a grill cover, apologized to him and then went into the house,” authorities said.

Oh boy.

First off, what’s up with the neighbor sticking his nose into Wallace Berg’s business (so to speak)? C’mon, man. All Wallace Berg wanted to do was exercise his unalienable right to enjoy some afternoon delight with his favorite Rhododendron Bush on his own private property. Then his nosy neighbor had to go and ruin the moment by recording this intimate moment.

Outrageous, man. Mind your own business, neighbor boy.

Note: Wallace Berg needed a grill cover to hide his excitement? Impressive, Wallace Berg. Impressive indeed.

Note II: Word is Wallace has requested a copy of the video.

Note III:  I totally made that up but I could see it happening. Wallace Berg is a frisky old bro, man.


I swear I thought this guy was the former leader singer of early-90’s grunge band Hammerbox. Nope, he’s the CEO of Twitter. That is all.



Allow me to clarify . . .

Every Saturday morning, if at all possible, I try and watch The Rifleman. For you youngsters out there, The Rifleman was a TV show that ran from 1958-1963.

But do you know why I watch it? It’s because you can count on it. Every single episode had a tidy little beginning, middle and ending. The Rifleman always starts with everybody happy, just living life in New Mexico back in the post-Civil War era. Invariably though, Lucas McCain or his son Mark run into some sort of trouble. Then, Lucas figures things out and comes to the rescue or figures a way out of whatever scrape has come their way.

And he does this every single show, in a span of 30-minutes, 23 if you’re counting commercials. There were other shows from the era that were similar in basic theme, shows like Leave It To Beaver and My Three Sons. There was never a bad ending to any of them, and that was something you could count on. Boring? Not really.

Because you know something? I’m comforted by that. After all, these shows were a reflection of a simpler time. That little skirmish in Vietnam hadn’t been recognized for what it was yet, we hadn’t lost the Kennedy’s, King or Lennon, and lunatics flying airliners into buildings was something nobody could fathom.

Of course over time this all changed, with shows like All in the Family and M*A*S*H becoming darlings of the critics for their “realistic” portrayals of flawed characters and the Korean War. Even though both these shows were comedies, one portrayed a lovable bigot and the other used death and war as fodder for humor.

Don’t get me wrong, I liked these shows, in particular M*A*S*H. I’ll never forget the episode in which Colonel Henry Blake’s plane was shot down as he headed back home. It was heartbreaking, man. Television had changed.

It was changing in other ways as well. Suddenly we had that brat on Full House back-talking all the adults, something little Mark McCain would’ve never done. I could never understand why they let her get away with that.

And kids were watching, and emulating, what was being shown to them.

Before you think I’m going all Dan Quayle on you (look it up), I’m far from a prude. Hey, some of my favorite movies are Pulp Fiction and Sling Blade, offerings that are weird and don’t necessarily end on a high note. I love The Walking Dead and Breaking Bad too, and they’re not exactly what you’d call wholesome entertainment.

Still, once a week I watch The Rifleman. It takes me back to a more innocent time, and it always makes me feel better. Because I know, by God, that Lucas McCain is going to figure it out and everything is going to be O.K. in the end.

And there’s something really, really comforting about that.

I love dogs. I think that’s pretty clear. I believe they’re 100-times smarter than anyone SparkySmileknows and I think they’re here solely to make us happy. I’ve had dogs that have meant more to me than any humans ever could. I still can’t speak of my little Scottish Terrier, Delaney, without getting all emotional.

But as hard as it is for me to comprehend, some people don’t like dogs. Other people sort of like dogs but don’t want to get too close. They like them to pet and to look at, but they really don’t want to commit, ya know? Other people hate dogs.

I truly believe that what writer Charles Doran said is true, and it offers a great yardstick for judging human character:

“Folks will know how large your soul is by the way you treat a dog.”

Amen, brother. Amen.

As for me, I can tell immediately which kind of person you are when my dog Sparky runs up to you:

  • Steps back, looks afraid or annoyed = Dislikes dogs = I’ll probably dislike you.
  • Reaches down, pats Spark on the head, stands back up = Likes dogs, doesn’t own one, can take them or leave them.
  • Immediately gets a huge smile on face, drops to Spark’s level, rubs him behind the ears until Spark rolls over for a belly rub = Loves dogs.

Oh, and there’s one more type:

  • Yells, “SPARKY! IT’S SPARKY! LOOK EVERYONE, IT’S SPARKY!”, then drops to the ground, pets Sparky, and asks for a picture = Sparky Groupie. Spark has a lot of fans, you know.

That said, there are certain things people should never say if they want to be my friend. These are what I call the deal breakers. I just can’t help myself. Here they are:

1. “Dogs should not be allowed on the furniture!”

B-W-A-H-A-H-A-H-A! Seriously? Walk away, sista. Not only is Sparky allowed on the furniture, he thinks it’s there for him. And he sleeps with me, on my bed, under the covers. And no worries, Spark is a great wingman. He respects my privacy and will keep his distance if the situation requires it. On a related note, anyone who wants to be a significant part of my life has to get the paws-up from The Spark. Sorry Kate Beckinsale, but if Spark’s not into you neither am I. I can’t believe I just typed that.

2. “There’s no way your dog understands everything you’re saying.”  

You, my friend, are an idiot. Not only does my dog know what I’m saying, he knows what I’m going to say before I say it. In fact, most times I don’t even have to say it because he reads my mind. All I have to do is look at Sparky. The Spark knows.

3. “Eww! You shouldn’t let your dog kiss you!”

False. I’ll tell you straight up – my dog kisses me right on the lips. If that grosses you out you need to look elsewhere for a boyfriend. A pooch smooch is alright by me, folks. If you don’t like it, don’t let the doggie door hit you on the way out.

4. “I can’t believe you take that dog everywhere with you!”

Why wouldn’t I? Number one, Spark’s my Road Dog. Number two, he insists. He’s been to the Outer Banks, Oak Island, Washington DC, Gettysburg, and a million other places. Spark’s even been on the floor at West Virginia’s basketball practice facility. He goes everywhere around town with me too, and was even the star of a recent New Year’s Eve party at a local establishment. My buddies are used to getting in my car, only to have Spark leap from the backseat onto their lap for some snuggling. And it’s not unusual for me to be in a supermarket or somewhere and hear something like this:

“Hey! Is Spark in the car? I’m going to run out and say hello!”

Seriously, this happens. A lot.

5. “You can come but don’t bring the dog.”

This has been said to me approximately zero times. People know better. Still, I’d never take Sparky to a wedding, simply because he’d divert attention from the bride. Yes, he’s that notorious popular. Funerals I can’t guarantee. Hell, he might be just what the doctor ordered for the bereaved. Pretty much anything else is wide-open, although if I want to be left alone Sparky’s not the guy to have with me. Spark’s a babe magnet, lemme tell ya. Dude’s got the kind of game you read about.

Need more proof that I love dogs? Nah, didn’t think so. I think writer Konrad Lorenz said it best:

“A true bond with a dog is as lasting as the ties of this Earth can ever be.” 

And that, my friends, is the God’s honest truth.

Not a big cat guy, but wow.




The guy on the mic completely lost his composure. Keep it together, man.

Good stuff.


Every once in awhile I run into a surprise follower of Shoe: Untied and it never 11111111ceases to amaze me. You see, a lot of people read my stuff but never comment or “like” the Facebook links, so I’m completely unaware they even follow my site. Because of this I’m always caught off-guard when a conversation like the following takes place. It happened in the checkout line at a local supermarket when a complete stranger standing behind me patted me on the shoulder and said this:

“Rattlesnakes, man. Only a fool would try and take a selfie with one, amirite? What an assclown. The world’s full of ’em.”

Then he shook his head and walked away.

I should have been flattered that the guy reads what I write, but instead I found myself worrying that I was influencing untold numbers of strangers in a not so positive way. Hell, the way the guy spoke it sounded like me talking.

Because of this, for a second I thought maybe I should start self-editing a little bit more. You know, try and be a little more responsible and whatnot.


The feeling passed, and that’s a good thing.

I think.



Watch the video and read the story. My comments follow.

BrowardPalmBeach – About 6 a.m. on July 10, Ekaterina Juskowski was shooting a video of her friend, a model, near 36th Street in the heart of Miami Beach. She noticed that a blue-green boat in the background — she thought it was a scuba boat — was coming closer to shore and thought, “They are ruining my video.” Juskowski shut off the camera for a moment but turned it back on when all of the men on the boat — about nine of them — jumped off and dashed across the sand and into the city, leaving the boat bobbing, empty, by the beach. Juskowski’s video illuminated how brazenly migrants are entering the country along the Florida coastline.

Listen, I don’t want this to turn into a big political argument. Bottom line I’m all for legal immigrants, because that’s basically what all our ancestors were. That said, this video is funny as hell. Ekaterina Juskowski innocently trying to shoot a video of her beautiful friend when a bunch of Cubans just storm the beach behind her like our boys at Normandy. What a buzzkill. On a related note, great job Florida Border Patrol.

PS – Donald Trump’s gonna have a field day with this one. In fact he might have staged the whole thing. Fox News will be all over it.

PSS – Love the soundtrack. Just golden.1vd


SAN DIEGO — A local man who was nearly killed while trying to take a selfie 1vwith a rattlesnake racked up a whopping $150,000 hospital bill.

Doctors depleted the anti-venom stash at two different hospitals to treat Todd Fassler.

Fassler said he once owned a rattlesnake for about a year and thought it would be OK to try and get a photo with the snake, which he saw in some bushes near his home.

You know, as a race I really believe we’re devolving. Going backwards if you will. I mean, cavemen knew better than to get near rattlesnakes, amirite? I swear that a complete set of instructions will soon have to be included when buying a pair of socks. And check out this information my crack staff found during their exhaustive research for this blog:

A new study suggests human intelligence is on the decline. In fact, it indicates that humans have lost 14 IQ points on average in the last 150-years. The study then explains why – men and women of high intelligence are having fewer children than men and women of lower intelligence.

So there you have it – dumb people reproducing. Makes sense to me. All of which leads to guys like Todd Fassler trying to get a selphie with a rattlesnake.

Bottom line, our technology is getting smarter while we as a species are getting dumber.


Are they evolving or could they always do this? Gators, man.


Jones looked like Manning taking a sack.

Get it? College? Not a school? Never mind.


Take a gander at the Mantis Shrimp, man. He’s ginormous. Look at his eyes. Mantis Shrimp may possibly have the best eyesight in the world, although we’re not 100% certain because it’s really hard to get one to sit down and read one of those eye charts. Each of their eyes has three focal points, while we only have one each. Sad really, but good for the shrimp when looking out for predators and whatnot. And get this – their genus name, Gonodactylus, means “mouth-feet,” and their species name,smithii, means “genital-fingers.” That’s just unfortunate, man. Another cool fact is the way mantis shrimp catch their food. They pack a punch with the force of a 22-caliber bullet—a punch so powerful that it generates both light and heat underwater. That’s sort of similar to me back in my heyday. Sort of. Anywho, Mantis Shrimp.