Here’s your Asshat Parker of the Day!

Today’s douchestick not only takes up two parking spots, at least one of them is for the handicapped! Well done jackass!

Robot Baby is one of the most horrific sights these eyes have seen.

Holy Mother of God. The end is nigh.

Cool Animal of the Day: The Glowworm

Check out the Glowworms, man, just glowing all up that cave like a boss. Glowworms are actually gnat larvae which emit their bright light for various reasons. While some of them glow to warn potential predators that they are mildly toxic, others do it to attract prey, which then gets caught in their silky strand that allows them to hang from cave walls. Diabolical. Oh, and some just do it to show off. The most famous place to find these “worms” in all their glory is the magical Waitomo Glowworm Cave in New Zealand, which is pictured below. Magical indeed. Anywho, Glowworms.

Incredible Photo of the Day: Stalking Lioness

Wish all of my players had that focus.

Map of the Day: Every country that has declared independence from the UK

USA! USA! USA!

Geniuses rob local bank, follow it up with awesome decision to post selfies posing with the dough on Facebook.

New York Daily News: A couple bragged about their Aug. 24, Asheville, Ohio bank robbery by posting pictures on social media with the wads of cash they took from the bank tellers.

Police were helped in their investigation by the clear images showing John Mogan and Ashley Duboe hamming it up with their fortune in greenbacks. Four days after the robbery they began posting photos of their loot.

Mogan and Duboe were arrested this week for the robbery. Police say they gave a note to the teller in the Asheville bank, and walked out with a tall stack of bills. He looks nervous on the surveillance video, but in the days after the heist, they both looked gleeful on their Facebook postings.

Apparently, Morgan had just gotten out of state prison for an earlier bank robbery. He put on make-up to disguise his face and neck tattoos. 

Weird, they look like such wholesome kids.

John Mogan, I guess you can disguise your face and neck tattoos but nothing can disguise your stupidity, huh? And apparently you can’t read or you would probably be aware that money is pretty filthy. And listen closely – the idea is to spend money, not eat it. Here’s a thought – spend it on food!

Anyway, Ashley Duboe, looks like you picked a real winner here with old John. But hey, it’s an understandable mistake. I mean, the guy looks like a Harvard grad, I can’t fault you for misjudging him. Remember Ash, you can’t judge a book by its cover.

Sweet Mother of God, how I weep for our future.

 

Greatest catch ever? It has to be up there.

Ilir Emini is a 5-foot-9 senior wide receiver for Division III’s Knox College Prairie Fire. Aside from this amazing catch, two things stand out to me. Number one, Ilir Emini is a spectacular name. Number two, “Prairie Fire” may be the greatest college nickname of all-time.

Remembering 1993

Whooomp! There it is.

Cool Animal of the Day: The Indian Peacock

Everyone knows about my aversion to peacocks. That said, they are pretty, aren’t they? Still, they eat by foraging for berries and grains but they also prey on snakes, lizards, and small rodents. Peacocks are badass, kids. Anywho, Indian Peacock.

Incredible Photo of the Day: Tropea, Calabria, Southern Italy

I really need to get to Europe.

Map of the Day: Refugees of Syrian Civil War Per Capita

Interesting.

John Fogerty: “Have You Ever Seen the Rain?”

Just a great, great song.

Mom hides camera, is SHOCKED to see how father takes care of kids while she’s gone.

Call the authorities!

When arguing with your girlfriend, always go with the menu fort.

Never doesn’t work.

You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can please some of the people none of the time.

It was my first year as Athletic Director, and I really wanted to get my tenure off to a good start. Because of this I thought I’d do a little something for the old-time Bearcat fans, a little nod to the long-time, hardcore folks who’d stuck with us through thick and thin.

I knew the old school fans always congregated at the fence between the concession stand and the bleachers. Here stood the brotherhood, the former players and men who had supported the team since the 1960’s. What could I do to honor them? What possible action could I take that would be a nod to them, a tip of the hat to the true fans?

Then it hit me. I had an epiphany. Since they leaned against a chain link fence, I decide to make them more comfortable. I’d add some of that plastic, corrugated plastic tubing to the top of fence. It would not only look good, it would be much more comfortable on which to rest your arms as you watch the game.

Brilliant! They’d love it. My stint as Athletic Director would be off the a rousing start.

And so it came to be. The tubing was put into place, it looked great, and I anxiously awaited the reaction of the True Bearcat Fans.

So as I stood by the concession stand, I watched as the first old-timer approached the fence. What would he say? How would he react? Maybe a warm smile, a knowing nod as he realized somebody finally appreciated his support of the Cats?

I could only imagine the adulation that was about to be bestowed upon me.

Then this happened.

As the old Bearcat approached the fence, he stopped, looked, and uttered this immortal, unforgettable statement:

“Where the hell am I gonna hang my coat?”

Well, hell.

At that moment and forever onward I realized you can never, ever, please everyone, no matter how hard you may try.

But hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?

Remembering 1992

Fun fact: In “White Men Can’t Jump” neither Woody Harrelson or Wesley Snipes could play a lick. Just turrible.

Cool Animal of the Day: The Mandarin Dragonet

Mandarin Dragonets are beautiful, aren’t they? They look like something an artist painted. No wonder that dude below is smiling. These guys are notoriously tough to have as pets though, because they’re such picky eaters. And get this – the Mandarin Dragonet has no known predators, probably because they’re so pretty nobody wants to eat them. Anywho, Mandarin Dragonet.

Incredible Photo of the Day: Greek Beach

Gorgeous.

[click to enlarge]

Map of the Day: World Cannabis Laws

I’m craving Doritos for some reason.

The Wussification of America is Alive and Well: School Bans Tag

MERCER ISLAND, Wash. (KCPQ) — Kids at the Mercer Island School District are now banned from playing the popular childhood game of tag on the playground.

Parents KCPQ News they had no idea about the ban until their kids told them. Now, moms and dads are asking why they weren’t part of the decision-making process.

“Good grief, our kids need some unstructured playtime,” said mom Kelsey Joyce.

It’s a game that practically everyone has played – but if you go to public school on Mercer Island, keep your hands to yourself.

The signs outside one elementary school encourage kids to join league sports teams – but playing tag on the playground is no longer allowed during recess.

Mercer Island School District communications director Mary Grady explained the district’s decision via email:

“The Mercer Island School District and school teams have recently revisited expectations for student behavior to address student safety. This means while at play, especially during recess and unstructured time, students are expected to keep their hands to themselves. The rationale behind this is to ensure the physical and emotional safety of all students.

And so it continues.

Nice job, Mercer Island School District. You must be really proud of yourself. You’ve banned the game of Tag, quite possibly the second greatest game known to children (after Dodgeball of course).

Let’s see. So now we’ve banned Tag, Dodgeball, War, Monkey Bars, Father’s and Mother’s Day cards (out of respect for students without a mom or dad!), Flaming Hot Cheetos, and heaven help us all, HUGS.

What do we ban next, smiles?

Hell, one school even banned the dictionary because kids were looking up inappropriate words. Good God, people.

True story. About 6-7 years ago I was teaching Phys Ed when one of our douchestick administrators walked by. As he did, a little kindergartner happened to be giving me a hug. Later I saw the same assclown guy in the hallway and the following conversation took place:

“You know Dave, you really need to be careful letting kids hug you.”

“Really? Why?”

“Because it could be misinterpreted.”

“Misinterpreted as what?”

“Well, you know.”

“No, I don’t know. In addition, the day I’m not allowed to let kids hug me is the day I leave education.”

At that point he just stared blankly at me. But then I swear he said this:

“And there’s also the lice thing.”

Then I just turned and walked away. Why? Because I was talking to a moron.

Remembering 1991

“A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.”

Off my foot, off the ref’s head, off the crossbar, through the uprights. It’s good!

Hey, he made it.

20 Reasons 80’s Music Didn’t Suck

I hate it when people say the 1980’s was a decade chock-full of bad music. Well, they don’t usually say “chock-full” because they don’t have my boundless vocabulary. Now that I think of it, it was chock-full of bad music but it was also chock-full of great music. On a related note, I pretty sure I just set a record for use of the word “chock-full” in a paragraph. On another related note, what the hell am I talking about?

My point is this – not everyone was listening to Kajagoogoo, Bananarama or Mr. Mister in the 80’s. The decade was the heyday of bands like R.E.M., The Replacements and The Hoodoo Gurus, among many others. With that in mind, it was really challenging to narrow my list down to a mere twenty. But narrow I did, complete with a comment or two tossed in for (hopefully) good measure. But wait kids, there’s more! I added links so you can listen to the songs! For the love of God, click on the links! And by the way, the songs are in no particular order.

Like Wow – Wipeout – Hoodoo Gurus

My love for the Gurus is well-documented, as you can read in the critically acclaimed blog The Best Band You’ve Never Heard – The Hoodoo Gurus, and this is my favorite tune of theirs. Just a solid rock song, friends.

Fall on Me – R.E.M.

An early song by the boys from Athens, GA.  It was on their album Life’s Rich Pageant and it’s just a hauntingly beautiful song. Please listen to this song.

Cult of Personality – Living Colour

Listen to this song for no other reason than to hear the legendary Vernon Reid on guitar. Sweet Jeebus.

68 Guns – The Alarm

A soaring anthem that will make you want to overthrow . . . something. I saw these cats open for Dylan once and my mind was blown.

These Important Years – Husker Du

Straight-up power punk rock madness. I saw them in the late 80’s and they were amazing.

Search Your Heart – Steve Forbert

Just an achingly gorgeous song from one of the most underrated performers of the past 30-years. Listen to this song and you’ll know why I say that.

Color Me Impressed – The Replacements

Didn’t think I’d leave Westerberg and the boys off the list, didja? The Mats kick some major ass with this balls-out rocker.

Waiting for the Great Leap Forwards – Billy Bragg

Billy Bragg is an activist, socialist, and political singer-songwriter in every sense of the word. This is my favorite song by BB.

Put Your Hand Inside the Puppet Head – They Might Be Giants

From the quirky duo from NYC. I once heard that this song was about a guy going to a psychologist because he was molested as a kid, but for the life of me I don’t get it. I understand the whole using a puppet with kids thing to get them to talk, but if you can explain these lyrics to me I’m all ears. Great great song.

Take the Skinheads Bowling – Camper Van Beethoven

Recognize that voice? If you do it’s because it’s David Lowery, who later went on to front Cracker. CVB was one of the early alt bands that got me hooked on the whole scene.

Goo Goo Muck – The Cramps

The Cramps were a punk outfit that started in the 70’s, and in 1981 came out with this gem. Sorta reminds me of “Creep in the Cellar” by The Butthole Surfers, but I’m sure you were thinking the same thing, right?

Drive – Todd Rundgren

My favorite song by the greatest musician currently not residing in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Dance, Mother*****er, Dance! – Violent Femmes

Click on that title to see what is most likely the single greatest music video in the history of music videos. Epic video for an amazing song.

Work for Food – Dramarama

Love. This. Song. Dramarama was one of the great alt bands, period.

Trouble Waiting to Happen – Warren Zevon

Brian Setzer plays geetar on this one, and I’ve always related to the lyrics. Zevon was a God.

E=MC2 – Big Audio Dynamite

It’s hard to describe the music of this band, formed by former Clash member Mick Jones. You’ll just have to listen.

Let’s Dance to Joy Division – The Wombats

Love The Wombats, love this song. I dare ya to try and not tap your foot.

Touch Me, I’m Sick – Mudhoney

Saw these guys in the tiny Cafe Bourbon Street in C-Bus a few years ago and copped their set list from the stage. Whatta night. They haven’t missed a beat.

Crazy Mixed-Up Kid – The Smithereens

Love The Smithereens. Saw them open for Joan Jett awhile back and they were better than the headliner.

Mommy’s Little Monster – Social Distortion

My love for Social D is well documented, and this was my first brush with Mike Ness and the boys. Love it.

So there ya go kids. Twenty reasons that 80’s music didn’t suck. And that’s just twenty, I could name fifty more easily. Hell, I didn’t even name The Church or Elvis Costello. Wait . . . I feel another blog coming on. See ya in a bit.

A town in Canada has a new slogan, and it is electric.

And by electric I mean pathetic. Before you look at the photo, understand that this is real. A town in Calgary called Okotoks and this is their slogan. Think about it. They probably had a Tourism Board meeting and actually had to approve of this. Check it out, and then look at my suggestions below.

There are a number of things to do in Okotoks. That’s their slogan. While that’s sure to bring in the tourists, I humbly offer some suggestions of my own:

“Okotoks. There’s a pretty cool tree over by the Campbell’s place.”

“Okotoks. We’re thinking of trying to get a Taco Bell soon.”

“Okotoks. That’s Skotoko backwards.”

“Okotoks. We have sidewalks.”

‘There are 7 things to do in Okotoks, and only one of them are fun.”

Thank you and goodnight.

Jamie Lawson: “Wasn’t Expecting That”

Saddest video ever.