Posts Tagged ‘Bad Day’

So a couple evenings ago I fell asleep watching TMZ CNN and my glasses fell off my lap and onto dfsgfhthe floor, unbeknownst to me. Later, when I arose from my beloved recliner to go to bed I stepped on them and broke them in two.

Awesome.

Then today I was showering when my elbow caught a full bottle of shampoo on the shower shelf and knocked it directly onto my little toe, which hurt like a mofo. I thought my toe was surely broken, but then I looked down and my toenail was bleeding like I’d been bitten by a Spotted Hyena. Damn did it hurt. I let scalding hot water pour on my toe for about 10-minutes until the bleeding stopped, so much so that I couldn’t feel my leg from the knee down.

Perhaps it was the numb leg, or maybe the massive blood loss made me light-headed, but I then stepped out of the shower, slipped, and immediately went down like I’d been hit in the back of the head with a ballpeen hammer.

This is interesting because as I fell I hit my head against the edge of the tub and it felt like I’d been hit in the back of the head by a ballpeen hammer.

You know, there’s nothing quite as demoralizing as sitting stunned and naked on your bathroom floor, one arm resting on the toilet, head spinning and hurting, left leg numb, and your little toe bleeding like a stuck pig.

Did I mention I’d taken the shower curtain down with me and I was wearing it like a clear plastic shawl?

It didn’t help matters that my supposed best friend was sitting outside the bathroom door looking at me, shaking his head as if his owner was the biggest doofus on the planet. He stared at me for a few seconds before walking away in disgust. No sympathy whatsoever.

The good news is that despite the blood loss and possible concussion I lived, and therefore Sparky doesn’t have to end up eating my lifeless body to survive.

To tie things up with a nice bow, I ended up taking my glasses in to get fixed and the warranty had run out 3-days ago. Perfect.

I think I’ll just go back to bed before a plane crashes on me or something.

So anyway, how has your day been going?

Note: I spent 10-minutes trying to decide what would be funnier to be bitten by, a Moray Eel or a Spotted Hyena. For some reason I went Hyena. I’m still second-guessing myself. Such is the life of a famous blogger.

Note II: Yes, even though I have a shaved head there’s shampoo in my shower. Mind your own business. 

 

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I shoulda stayed home today.

Posted: August 22, 2013 in Life, Things I Hate
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Yeah, the big guy was trying to tell me something when I left the house first thing this morning.

Why the hell didn’t I listen?

The plan was to have a relaxing day. I’d cruise up to C-Bus, stop at the casino and see if my amazing luck could continue, maybe do a little shopping, have lunch with an old friend.

Yeah, not so much.

As I said, somebody up there was trying to give me a hint when I walked out my back door to walk Sparky and fell down the steps.  This wasn’t a little trip, mind you. My heel caught on the top step and I went down hard, right on the cement patio. My shoulder felt like a crocodile had bitten it, but I shook it off.

Plus, I didn’t land on Spark, so there’s that.

Thinking it was a fluke accident and not realizing what was to come, I soldiered on. As I headed north, I thought I’d stop at the Marathon Station for an Amp and a bag of Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips, also known as the Breakfast of Champions. As I was walking up to the cashier, though, I dropped the chips. Now that I think about it there’s a possibility it had something to do with my damaged left shoulder. No big deal, but as I bent down to pick them up a passing young lady stepped on the bag and it blew up like somebody had set off an M-80 inside the bag. Aside from raining Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips all over the store, the sound frightened several people including an old lady at the counter who shrieked and a construction worker getting some coffee who may or may not have wet himself.

But hey, they comped the chips so I was good to go.

Or so I thought.

Approximately 30-seconds later as I was passing Unioto school, I noticed they were having what appeared to be a fire drill. You know, kids lined up in the parking lot, teachers standing around looking irritated, stuff like that. Anyway, as I glanced at the school for 2-seconds it gave the jackass in front me time to, for some ungodly reason, stop. Is there a law I don’t know about that says you have to stop when you see a school having a fire drill? I didn’t think so. At that point I lay on my horn, tires squealing, coming to a stop about and inch and a half from the guy’s rear bumper. Then I look over to see about 100 elementary kids staring at me, mouths agape. Mr. Bad Driver gives me a friendly wave and moves on but not before yelling a greeting to his kid in the parking lot.

At this point you’d think I’d have the good sense to turn back home, crawl into bed and start sucking my thumb. Instead, I rolled on. I still wasn’t getting the hint.

I arrived at the casino and immediately headed for the video poker section, where I picked a machine and took a seat. When I go, I always take an amount I’d be comfortable losing, and when that’s gone I’m out of there. No visits to the ATM for me. S-o-o-o-o, I sat down at 11:08 AM, and by 11:48 AM I was done. Empty pockets. I mean, hell, even when you lose you can usually make it last awhile, hitting a few hands here and there.

Not me, not today.

After all that had happened I was on high alert on the drive home, and sure enough, as I was driving down 270 an 18-wheeler swerved towards me to get to the I-71 exit, forcing me completely off the road and into the grass where I missed the exit sign by what approximately 7 centimeters.

I swear I now sort of felt like one of those people on Final Destination where they knew they were going to die but didn’t know how it was going to happen. I had j-u-s-t a small case of the heebies.

Rather than crawl into the ditch and call a cab, I inched back onto the highway and decided to take 23 south home, as curvy 104 didn’t seem like the best idea. This I did, driving 55, hands at 10 and 2, and head on a swivel all the way.

When I got home I was just thankful my house hadn’t burned down, but I’m still holding my breath until midnight.

Next time I fall out my back door I’m taking the hint. I’m getting back up, dusting myself off, and going back to bed.