Archive for March, 2017

Check out that Archerfish, man. Archerfish are known for their habit of preying on insects and other small animals by shooting them down with water droplets from their specialized mouths. Archerfish are remarkably accurate in their shooting. Adult fish almost always hit the target on the first shot, and they can do it from a distance of up to 9-feet. That’s diabolical, man. Anyhoo, Archerfish.

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Excuse me for a second. I need to take a deep breath. OK, I’m fine now. It’s just that I almost passed out from merely looking at this heavenly, cheesy concoction. Good Lord almighty.

Mesmerizing.

(CNN) One architecture firm hopes to create the longest building in the world by bending a skyscraper in half.

The Big Bend is a curved, 4,000 foot-long skyscraper planned on Manhattan’s Billionaire’s Row. It’s the brainchild of Oiio Studio.

It’s no secret that there is a space issue in Manhattan. Architects build up because there is no room to build out.

“If we manage to bend our structure instead of bending the zoning rules of New York, we would be able to create one of the most prestigious buildings in Manhattan,” reads the building proposal on Oiio’s website.

The designer of the project, Ioannis Oikonomou, was inspired to create the U-shaped structure after learning that a company created an elevator that not only moves vertically, but also horizontally.

What the hell, man? How does this work exactly? I’m confused. On one hand it looks cool as hell, on the other it freaks me out a little. On a related note, that thing looks like it could fall over in a stiff westerly breeze. Good God.

 

Check out the Invisible Eel, man. He’s also called the See-Through Eel because, well, you can see right through the dude. Transparent like you read about, man. Divers recently discovered these eel larvae in the waters of southeast Asia. You can see through them because their bodies are compressed and their organs and muscles vastly reduced. They possess a simple tube gut and their bodies are filled with a clear gel. That’s cray-cray, man. Anyhoo, Invisible Eel.

Fredric Baur invented the Pringles can. When he passed away in 2008, his ashes were buried in one.

 

So the cold, harsh reality of building a wall between Mexico and ‘Merica is now hitting the Trumpster and his appointees right in the grillmix. Here’s what Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke had to say recently:

The border is complicated, as far as building a physical wall. The Rio Grande, what side of the river are you going to put the wall? We’re not going to put it on our side and cede the river to Mexico. And we’re probably not going to put it in the middle of the river.”

He added that the physical features of some areas make the border difficult to cross and actually make a wall unnecessary.

Unnecessary? That kind of talk will get your ass fired, Ryan Zinke!

So let me get this straight. If we build the Trump Wall on the U.S. side, we’re basically giving the Rio Grande to Mexico. Hell, that won’t do. And if it’s built on Mexico’s side they’ll have to build it, which they won’t do because the whole wall idea wasn’t theirs in the first place. In addition, we can’t build it in the middle of the damn river, for God’s sake. Then again, the Trump Wall doesn’t have to be a physical wall, right? Maybe it can be a mental wall? That might work. But hey, some areas don’t need a wall because the Rio Grande is, you know, too tough to get across anyway.

Damn, I’m confused.

What to do, man? What to do?

 

This photo was taken in Santa Maddalena, Dolomiten, Italy. Just a beautiful photo. Click to enter the amazingness. Oh, and that’s a church.

Fact: Spiders could theoretically eat every human on earth in one year. Want more? No? Sorry, here goes . . .

Spiders are quite literally all around us. A recent survey of North Carolina homes turned up spiders in 100% of them, including 68% of bathrooms and more than 75% of bedrooms. In addition, soak up this horrifying truth – there’s a good chance at least one spider is staring at you right now, where you sit, sizing you up from a darkened corner of the room, eight eyes glistening in the shadows.

Chills, man.

Spiders mostly eat insects, although some of the larger species have been known to snack on lizards, birds and even small mammals. Given their abundance and the voraciousness of their appetites, two European biologists recently wondered: If you were to tally up all the food eaten by the world’s entire spider population in a single year, how much would it be?

Their estimate was published in the journal Science of Nature earlier this month, and the number they arrived at is a tad jarring. The world’s spiders consume somewhere between 400-million and 800-million tons of prey in any given year. That means that spiders eat at least as much meat as all 7-billion humans on the planet combined, who the authors note consume about 400-million tons of meat and fish each year.

Or, for a slightly more disturbing comparison, the total mass of all adult humans on Earth is estimated to be 287-million tons. Even if you tack on another 70 million-ish tons to account for the weight of kids, it’s still not equal to the total amount of food eaten by spiders in a given year, exceeding the total weight of humanity.

In other words, spiders could eat all of us and still be hungry.

Sweet Mother of God, man.

And as I did some research for this article, I found a couple more interesting tidbits:

  • The mass of every spider on Earth today is equivalent to 478 Titanics.
  • It would take approximately 2,000 pounds of spiders to consume a 200-pound man in one day.

Woot! Good to know I guess?

Listen, I’ve heard some good names before but this guy wins the name game hands down. And hey, he’s a principal. Kids, I guarantee you Jack Hammer runs Pardeeville High School with an iron fist and an iron will. Wanna bully somebody? Jack Hammer will bully you. And that haircut is Drill Sergeant 101. Hell, that lanyard around his neck probably carries a set of brass knuckles. I bet they still paddle at Pardeeville High. None of that pansy-ass new age nonsense on Jack Hammer’s watch. Jack Hammer, man.

PS- I don’t even know Jack Hammer’s parents and I love them. Just a ballsy move to have the last name Hammer and to name your son Jack. Awesome.

Case Study Houses were experiments in American residential architecture sponsored by Arts & Architecture magazine, which commissioned major architects of the day to design and build inexpensive and efficient model homes for the United States residential housing boom caused by the end of World War II and the return of millions of soldiers. The program ran from 1945 until 1966. The first six houses were built by 1948 and attracted more than 350,000 visitors. Most of those that were constructed were built in Los Angeles. Bottom line. these are cool houses, man.

Well, honesty is a good quality, right? And hey, it is fried chicken.

I hate spelling errors myself, so I love this one.

For the past few weeks people have been going crazy about Michael Jordan’s proclamation after a North Carolina game that, “The ceiling is the roof!” He was at mid-court speaking to the crowd at the time, by the way.

Jordan has been getting pummelled and ridiculed in social media and on sports talk shows for making such a nonsensical statement. Nobody can seem to make sense of it, and my question is this:

Why?

Makes perfect sense to me. See, people are always saying certain players, or programs, have a ceiling, meaning they can only get to a certain point at which they achieve their maximum potential. They can then go no further.

Well, Jordan, who was at a basketball game but was actually talking about NC football, was saying that the program can go higher than they’re expected to, that their ceiling could actually their roof.

Is that really too difficult to understand?

I realize about 7% or less of the folks who visit this site will give a damn, but as I’ve said before it’s my site and if it fascinates me then I’m posting it. Anyway, The Cowsills are a band who had hits in the late 60’s like “The Rain, the Park and Other Things”, “Hair”, and “Indian Lake.” The TV show “The Partridge Family” was actually based on this (mostly) family band. I particularly liked the song “The Rain, the Park and Other Things”, so I was looking for the song on YouTube the other day. This led to more nosing-around, and it turns out the damn band is still touring after all these years. Who knew? Again, this may be of interest only to me and 3 other people but I thought I’d compare the band singing in the 1960’s with the band singing in the 2010’s. And you know what? They’ve aged pretty damn well. First, let’s take a look at them back in the day:

Now let’s fast-forward nearly 50-years. To my surprise, The Cowsills are still pretty good and maybe even better. Take a look:

 The Cowsills, man. Still doin’ their thing.

PS- I did some reading on these guys and their story is pretty sad in many ways. From an abusive father to a brother who was kicked out of the band and subsequently passed away, it’s amazing they’re still playing.

cowsills

Check out that Angel Shark, man. Dude looks like Jaws and a Manta Ray got their groove on, amirite? Angel Sharks chill out, all hidden in the sand and whatnot, and just wait for their prey to appear. When the prey gets close enough, the Angel Shark grabs it in 1/10 of a second. That’s diabolical, man. Angel Sharks will only attack when provoked, so don’t provoke an Angel Shark. Anyhoo, Angel Shark.

Note: If you like our Cool Animals of the Day, just type Cool Animals of the Day into the Shoe: Untied search box and go nuts. 


Focus and concentration. Boom.

Listen, everyone knows I’m a big animal guy, and I love dogs in particular. Hey, who couldn’t be a dog lover with this guy by my side? Anyway, although I like cats I don’t feel like you can count on them, ya know? I mean, I can’t imagine a cat chasing off an intruder or warning me about an oncoming 18-wheeler like The Spark has done. And although some cats can be all cuddly and whatnot, others are more standoffish, indifferent and aloof. In addition, a percentage of cats are downright evil, and here’s proof. What you are about to lay your eyes upon are images of pure evil, images that will chill you to the bone, images that shall prove that some cats are demons with eyes that are the Gateway to Hell. View at your own risk.

Ernie will never forget the day a portal from hell opened, right there in his mom’s kitchen.

What the . . . RUN!

10 to 1 odds this demon just walked on across the ceiling after the photo was taken.

Supposedly this monster got into some flour, or perhaps he just murdered the Pillsbury Dough Boy.

Sleep well, human. Sleep well.

Here kitty kit . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Santiago Catzalez as he plots his ultimate world domination.

The precise moment Kimberly knew that her beloved Toby had turned on her.

PS- Over the past few years I’ve pissed off clowns, midgets, bowlers, nazis, and LeBron James, among others. I’m sure I’ve just added cat lovers to my list.

Stunningly beautiful.

Regular readers know just how much myself and my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied hate bad parking, especially asshats who think they have special privileges because they drive an expensive car. And parking in handicapped spots is a particularly unforgivable sin. You can find proof of our mean-spiritedness at our Asshat Parkers of the Day site. Our basic philosophy is this – if your asshattery is so strong that you need to perform the asshatish act of taking up two spots, go to the far corner of the damn lot. It’s not a complex concept, asshat. Anyhoo, what follows is my Top 10 Acts of Asshat Parking Revenge. Kudos to these fine Americans who are fighting this righteous, noble fight. Let us begin . . .

This first one is a rather harmless, though annoying act of revenge. I suppose it could be quickly rectified with a pocket knife, but it is irritating and point proving nonetheless. Other acts of revenge can much more malicious, as you shall soon see.

Next we have an asshat who made the mistake of parking in someone’s business lot illegally. Rather than calling a tow truck, this awe-inspiring do-gooder pulled out his handy-dandy forklift. Well done, sir.

What we see below is an asshat who made the egregious error of parking his precious vehicle on one of those grass islands rather than the actual lot so it wouldn’t get dinged. Seems he had a reputation for this asshattishly boorish behavior. Hence the bros lifting some concrete parking dividers to hem the asshat in. Kudo, bros. Kudos.

In the photo below we have an asshat who, although the spot was clearly marked “No Parking,” thought he could squeeze in because he had one of those obnoxious little smart cars. As you can see by the photo below, smart car, dumb owner. Note: I would have probably just picked it up and put it in a tree or something.

Here we have the act of some heroic mall workers, exacting sweet revenge on an asshat who left his car there after business hours, a rule clearly posted for all to see. Except asshats of course. Interlocking shopping carts – genius!

Hey asshat! You parked in a clearly marked spot for motorcycles! Good job, motorcycle dude. Note: I know 2-people could easily move the motorcycle, but still a nice effort.

Oh, how I love this next one. Now this asshat can never say he didn’t see the line. PS- That’s probably tape but oh how I wish it were paint. Wait. It’s clearly tape. Disregard.

Word of warning to all asshats: Never block a fire hydrant when the firefighters care about to roll in. And I love the fact that although the firemen had plenty of hose [insert joke here], they busted the windows out anyway. Firemen, man.

One of my all-time favorites. When an Asshat Vette owner rolled into a prime spot in front of a Red Robin near Boston, heroic Asshat Patrol member Kyle DeMattia took action. He even took video of his courageous act, which you may view below the photo. You are a legend, Kyle DeMattia. A legend I say.

Lastly we have proof that righteous, virtuous and honorable people still exist in this world, in this particular case Maringa, Brazil. This photo shows the breathtaking and honorable public shaming of an asshat who illegally parked in a handicapped spot. Hundreds of people lined up on both sides of the street to jeer and laugh at this asshat who returned to his car and found it covered with thousands of blue stickers and white wheelchair signs. Glorious, I tell you. Glorious. Felicitações, Brasil!

So be forewarned, asshats. The world is watching, and you shall be held accountable for your asshatish actions. Our movement is growing by leaps and bounds, and we are everywhere. Your solution? Park like a human being and not an asshat.

So Reality Game Show Host turned President of the Most Powerful Country in the World Donald Trump got to pretend to drive in a big truck yesterday, and the photos are spectacular. Here they be, with my comments of course.

Oh, how I pray he’s making truck engine noises in this one. That would be super. Oh, and it looks like he just missed the exit to Arby’s. Wait. Would 2 Fat, 2 Furious be too mean-spirited?

In this photo, President Trump makes a loud fart noise to the delight of the assembled reporters. On a related note, he looks like the ride’s over but his mom gave him another token.

Oh, and it should not surprise you to learn that he honked the horn, because of course he did.

Ah, but who the hell am I to judge? I just hope to someday find someone who loves me as much as Trump loves sitting in the truck.

PS- Before you send me photos of Obama or Clinton sitting in a truck I know we can all find funny photos of any president, so stop it.

PPS- I tried my damndest to get a “rigged” joke in there but came up empty. Sorry fans.

Southeast domination.

Because it is weird as hell. And also amazing.

Well, it was an Alfred Hitchcock movie, so I guess the weirdness is to be expected. Released in 1948, it’s about two men who decide that they’re intellectually superior human beings, so they strangle a friend of theirs, put him in a trunk in their apartment, and proceed to have a dinner party with the food served from the top of the very trunk containing their buddy’s dead body.

Good times, huh?

It shouldn’t be a surprise that I like this movie, because it is said Hitch got the idea from the famous Leopold and Loeb murder back in 1923 from which the book “For the Thrill of It” was written.* Yes, I happened to love that book. Loved the movie “Compulsion” too, and it was based on the same murder. Nathan Leopold and Richard Loeb were two college students from Chicago who killed a 14-year old kid just because they thought they were superior intellects and could get away with it. They believed they could commit the “perfect murder” if you will, but hey, who hasn’t?

*As I was doing research for thes article, I found there was actually a play called “Rope” that was performed in 1929.

The film is notable for taking place in real time and being edited so as to appear as a single continuous shot through the use of long takes. Trust me, watch it and that will all make sense.

It stars Jimmy Stewart, Farley Granger and others, and it is dark and twisted. Here’s the plot as described in AllMovie.com:

Two brilliant young aesthetes, Brandon Shaw and Phillip Morgan, strangle to death their former classmate from Harvard University, David Kentley, in their apartment. They commit the crime as an intellectual exercise; they want to prove their superiority by committing the “perfect murder”.

After hiding the body in a large antique wooden chest, Brandon and Phillip host a dinner party at the apartment, which has a panoramic view of Manhattan’s skyline. The guests, who are unaware of what has happened, include the victim’s father Mr. Kentley and aunt Mrs. Atwater; his mother is not able to attend due to a cold. Also there are his fiancée, Janet Walker and her former lover Kenneth Lawrence, who was once David’s close friend.

Brandon uses the chest containing the body as a buffet table for the food, just before their housekeeper, Mrs. Wilson arrives to help with the party. “Now the fun begins,” Brandon says when the first guests arrive . . .

You’ll have to watch the movie to see what happens next, but trust me when I say it’s intense, gripping, and heart-stopping.

Man, this movie is right up my alley and I can’t believe it’s been out for 69-years and I’ve just discovered it.

Better late than never I guess? Anyway, watch this movie. For a taste, here’s the original trailer:

 

 

So some bratty kid climbed into one of those machines where you try and grab

Future serial killer.

a stuffed animal with a claw, and the internet has exploded with cuteness overload.

Really? Let’s reward the kid for misbehaving? At the risk of offending new age parents everywhere, I shall now peruse the entire article, with my comments interjected:

Washington Post: Damien Murphy’s 3-year-old son, Jamie, is one of those curious, mischievous kids who gets into everything. 

Translation: Little Jamie is a spoiled brat who hasn’t been taught to behave properly. He’s on the road to being a wife-beater, or perhaps a serial killer.

“Whenever I walk into a room and see something that could be trouble,” said Murphy, of Nenagh, Ireland, “I instantly see Jamie in it. He’s a real boundary pusher.” 

Newsflash: Jamie is 3-years old. He’d “push boundaries” by walking off a cliff if you let him. It’s your job, Damien Murphy, to set his boundaries.

Once, for example, he and his dad were looking after an aunt’s dog. Jamie “woke up early in the morning and cut a bunch of hair off it,” Murphy, 35, told the Washington Post.

Adorable. I wish the dog would have eaten him, or at the very least tore off a limb.

Still, Murphy said, he didn’t see it coming — it being Jamie’s Great Toy Machine Caper — when he, Jamie and Jamie’s brother, Shane, 5, walked into Jump ‘n’ Gyms, a commercial play center that boasts a “multilevel play area” filled with kidly delights. 

Yes, the author of this article used the word “kidly.” That alone should be grounds for dismissal.

Among them was one of those big claw machines filled with cuddly stuffed teddy bears, doggies, giraffes and dragons, a contraption tantalizing to young and old alike but especially to 3-year-olds. Even though it says “Prize Every Time” in big yellow letters, 3-year-olds can’t read and are smart enough anyway not to be taken in. 

Yep. They’re smart enough not to be “taken in” yet stupid enough to do what comes next.

Indeed, getting a prize can be tough unless you’re small enough to climb inside and it happens that Jamie was small enough, said his father. 

“I was sitting down having a coffee,” Murphy said, when Jamie wandered off for just a second. “He went out of my sight, walked off just to my left. I heard what I thought was a muffled complaint,” looked over and there he was. “He was just there, inside the machine, looking out of the glass.” 

Sure, dude was just sitting there ignoring his kid as the brat had the time to climb inside a freaking toy machine.

It seems that Jamie had climbed in through the flap where the toys come tumbling out, his father said. “He seemed a bit panicked,” said Murphy, “and then I told him, ‘listen, you’re fine,’ and gave him a big smile. Then he started laughing. Jamie was then rescued from the machine by a visiting fireman.

And this, my friends, is where the opportunity for a teaching moment was missed. A true, caring parent would not have smiled. They’d have walked up, told little Jamie he was stuck forever, and left him alone in there for 20 or 30-minutes. The point would have then been imprinted into the little punk’s skull forever.

The owner of the gym, James O’Sullivan, said he had the machine removed and asked the company that operates it to review it. “At this stage,” he said, “we are thankful that Jamie didn’t manage to hurt himself during his little adventure.”

Of course, because it’s the machine’s fault. Sigh.

Dad, and son were reunited, joined by two cuddly green dragons, courtesy of Jump ‘n’ Gyms.

S-u-r-e, let’s reward the kid and his asshattery by giving him toys. Lesson learned! Sweet Jesus.

But honestly, what’s next?

“Omigod! You should’ve seen that little rascal Sebastian today! I turned my head for a few seconds and he ran into 8-lanes of freeway traffic! That little rapscallion was nearly squashed by a Kenworth W900! Totes adorbs!

Good Lord. I would’ve made Damien try and rescue Jamie by using the claw, and if he couldn’t do it little Jamie would have to stay in there. Maybe shove some Twizzlers up there to sustain the little delinquent for a couple days.

PS- Feel free to bitch in the comments section, and I will ignore you as always.

Here’s a goose reunited with the human who raised it. Tell me this goose isn’t excited to see its mother. You can’t. That goose is happy as hell, man. Animals, smarter than you think they are.