Archive for the ‘Assclowns’ Category

Karma, man. Gotta love it.

Shoplifter Meets Miss Karma

Damn kid deserved it.

Satisfying to watch.

Oops.

Love it.

Karma makes me as happy as George W dancing.

The Donald. Dude can’t get out of his own way. Just flat tells his Israeli audience he “Just got back from the Middle East.” I swear he doesn’t know Israel is in the Middle East. Geography 101, kids. And check out the Israeli ambassador. Bro looks like Hillary on election night, just flabbergasted like you read about. Trump, man. He keeps blogs like mine alive. God bless him.

On a related note, I never thought I’d miss this guy so much:

Theunis Botha, a well-known 51-year-old big game hunter from Johannesburg, South Africa, just had his last hunt. The man was leading a group of hunters in Gwai, Zimbabwe, when they saw a herd of breeding elephants. Sensing the danger, three of the animals stormed the hunters and Botha shot at them. What the man didn’t see was a fourth elephant coming after him from the side. The animal lifted Botha with her trunk, so one of the other hunters shot her, causing the elephant to collapse. As she fell dead, the elephant dropped right on Botha, crushing the hunter to death.

According to Game Hounds Safaris, Botha’s company website, the man pioneered European-style ‘Monteria hunts’ in the region. These kind of hunts use large packs of dogs to drive deer and boar towards them before opening fire on the animals. He was also known for hunting lions and leopards.

Awesome. Just spectacular. I love it when the animals win, man. I know, the elephant died in this case but at least she took this asshole out with her. I mean, what kind of a hunter has dogs that drive the animals towards them? Where’s the sport in that? I’ll tell you where – Hell. The same place Theunis Botha resides right now. I hope he’s down there getting crushed by an elephant over and over and over again.

Note: As a special related bonus, I give you this. And spare me the comments about me enjoying watching people die. Idiots who hurt animals deserve it. Enjoy:

 

Washington Post: Commerce secretary Wilbur Ross offered two highlights from his trip to Saudi Arabia in an interview with CNBC on Monday morning. First, he enjoyed the two bushels of dates he was given by Saudi Arabian security guards and, second, he was pleased that he saw no protester with “a bad placard.”

Perhaps because an American-style protest is illegal in that country and can result in a death sentence.

Ross was using the lack of protesters as an example of how warmly the Trump administration was received in the country.

Hey, how great is Saudi Arabia, huh? No protesters at all! Sure, you can be beheaded if you do but still! No negativity at all, everything was puppies and unicorns. This damn freedom of speech bullshit we practice here in the United States leads to nothing but unnecessary hostility. Maybe President Trump will come back with some great ideas. Wait. Uh-oh . . .

BOSTWICK, Fla. –Authorities say a Florida man leaned in to kiss a rattlesnake – but got bitten instead. 

Ron Reinold was flown to the hospital by helicopter in critical condition after he was bit by the rattlesnake on Tuesday, CBS affiliate WJAX reports.  

Charles Goff told WJAX he found the rattlesnake on Monday night. He said he knows how to handle snakes and put it in a tank, but he said his neighbors were playing with the snake when Reinold was bit. 

“The next morning before I got up, they were playing with the snake,” Goff told WJAX. “One guy said, ‘I’m going to kiss it on the mouth,’ and the snake bit him in the face.”

“Ron was just acting silly, you know?” he said. “I guess he said he could kiss the devil and get away with it, but evidently he didn’t.”

I read that this dude survived, unfortunately. This would have been a perfect example of natural selection, ya know? Social Darwinism and all that. Idiots like this guy need to die so future races will be smarter. Can’t let morons like Ron Reinold live to reproduce, man. That’s just a bad deal all-around for everyone.

On a related note, Florida, man.

So apparently Steve Harvey is leaving his show in Chicago and is beginning a new one in Los Angeles, but I don’t really care about that. I’ve never watched him on anything anyway, other than a couple Family Feud highlight videos and the time he announced the wrong Miss Universe. That was fun. Anyway, a bunch of his staffers in Chicago are all talking about what a dick he is, and one of them released the following email he sent to them prior to his show beginning this season.

And oh boy, it’s a classic.

I’ll post the email word-for-word in italics, in all it’s glory. My observations are interspersed. Let us proceed . . .

Good morning, everyone. Welcome back. I’d like you all to review and adhere to the following notes and rules for Season 5 of my talk show.

There will be no meetings in my dressing room. No stopping by or popping in. NO ONE.

Well, that seems reasonable. Who wants to have a meeting in their dressing room? And nobody hates pop-ins more than me. What’s so bad about this, anyway?

Do not come to my dressing room unless invited.

Again, makes sense to me. Steve Harvey seems normal enough.

Do not open my dressing room door. IF YOU OPEN MY DOOR, EXPECT TO BE REMOVED.

Well hell, that’s a little harsh. Removed? Sounds a little impersonal really.

My security team will stop everyone from standing at my door who have the intent to see or speak to me. I want all the ambushing to stop now.

Honestly? I wish I had a security team to stop random people in Krogers from speaking to me. That would be super. But really, when I hear “ambush” I think of getting attacked by Indians in a cowboy movie, not some dude trying to talk to me outside my office. Weird.

I have been taken advantage of by my lenient policy in the past. This ends now. NO MORE.

The NO MORE at the end really puts the emphasis where it needs to be, amirite? Stay the hell away, bro.

Do not approach me while I’m in the makeup chair unless I ask to speak with you directly. Either knock or use the doorbell.

Wait. There’s a doorbell outside the makeup room? Damn it. So much to learn and so little time.

I am seeking more free time for me throughout the day.

Gee, ya think?

Do not wait in any hallway to speak to me. I hate being ambushed. Please make an appointment.

Yeah, yeah. We discussed the ambush thing earlier. Let it go.

I promise you I will not entertain you in the hallway, and do not attempt to walk with me.

Steve, you have trouble entertaining me as a TV host, let alone in the hallway, so I will not attempt to walk with you. Jeebus.

If you’re reading this, yes, I mean you.

W-e-l-l, since the group reading this is probably a little more wide-ranging than you ever intended, perhaps you don’t mean everybody reading this.

Everyone, do not take offense to the new way of doing business. It is for the good of my personal life and enjoyment.

Oh no, no offense taken! All good Steve!

Thank you all,

Steve Harvey

You’re welcome sir. See you soon. Wait. No we won’t. Because we’re not allowed.

Sigh.

Golf DigestDonald Trump’s Northern Virginia Trump National Golf Club features a plaque between the 14th and 15th holes honoring a Civil War battle at that precise spot. The inscription, signed by Trump, reads:

“Many great American soldiers, both of the North and South, died at this spot. The casualties were so great that the water would turn red and thus became known as ‘The River of Blood.’ It is my great honor to have preserved this important section of the Potomac River!”

Nice sentiment, small problem: there apparently was no such battle.

The NY Times checked with various historians in the area who had trouble tying the site of Trump’s course to any such event.

No. Uh-uh. No way. Nothing like that ever happened there,” Richard Gillespie, the executive director of the Mosby Heritage Area Association, told the Times.

Trump, questioned how historians could dispute the battle, said, How would they know? Were they there?”

Damn it. I only wish I would’ve thought of this logic back when I was a kid:

Mom: “Ralph David, why were you picking on little Howie Perkins at recess?”

Me: “How do you know it was me? Were you there?”

Diabolical.

And hey southerners, still a little defensive about the whole slavery thing? Here’s your answer:

“How can you be certain it happened? Were you there? 

I swear to God I lowkey love this move. It’s so outrageous I almost have to respect it. Just bold as hell. Reminds me of a kid who covers his eyes and believes you can’t see him.

Trump, man. Abe Lincoln he ain’t.

 

That can’t be safe.

So our esteemed president had a little run-in at the White House recently. Check out the hilarious video first:

See, here’s where Donnie gets in trouble. Twitter Trump and President Trump are two entirely different people. A few months ago The Donald woke up, heard something from someone he passed in the hallway, shot out a couple tweets about Obama illegally wiretapping, and he’s been hammered about it ever since. Here John Dickerson is grilling him in the Oval Office about his own words and things went downhill quickly. He clearly can’t take it and he hates being called on it. Last week he said that the presidency is harder than he thought, that it’s more work than his previous job. Gee, ya think? Being the leader of the free world is a bitch, man. You have to be, you know, held accountable and stuff. That’s not fair, man. Get the hell out of my office.

PS-  I love the “everybody’s talking about it” line. That’s so Trump it hurts.

 

“Meh. Could’ve used a little tabasco sauce.”

Reuters: DNA tests on the carcass of a crocodile shot in Zimbabwe have confirmed that it contains the remains of a missing South African hunter, an investigator has told the BBC.

Scott Van Zyl was killed last week on the banks of the Limpopo river, said Sakkie Louwrens, director of a South-African crime-fighting NGO. He said Mr Van Zyl disappeared during a hunting safari last week.

His death is the latest in a series of fatal crocodile attacks in Zimbabwe.

Mr Louwrens told the BBC that Mr Van Zyl had gone on a hunting trip on the Zimbabwe-South Africa border with a local tracker and a pack of dogs. He said the pair left their vehicle and went in different directions in search of crocodiles.

A search and rescue operation was launched after Mr Van Zyl’s dogs returned to their camp without him.

I can imagine the dog’s conversation after the croc grabbed this guy:

“Well hell, Ernie, looks like that croc ain’t playin’. Think we should try and help?”

“Hell no. Let’s head back to the truck.”

Honestly, I have no sympathy for this guy. Anyone who messes with animals of any kind, wild or not, deserves a good old fashioned mauling. Same for bullfighters, man. I love it when the bull just gores the bejesus out of some dope with a cape.

PS- I’m no expert in the area of hunting dangerous animals but it seems like splitting up would be a bad idea. You know, maybe keep a friend with a gun handy. Just sayin’.

Listen, everybody knows how I despise the fairly recent trend where the wedding party dances into the reception, basically acting like fools. I’ve seen people ziplining in, grooms walking up the actual wedding aisle doing tricks with a soccer ball, all sorts of ludicrous activity. Why do I dislike this stuff, you ask? Well, basically it’s because I think the big day should be all about the bride, ya know? Not some doofus shimmying into the reception like Steph Curry after a routine 3-pointer. It’s not about you, ya assclown. And this may sound odd coming from a guy who is 0 for 2 in the marriage game, but to me all those goofy shenanigans take away from the actual ceremony, which should be sort of sacred, right? Yeah, I know the reception is different from the ceremony but do you really want everyone going home remembering what happens in this video? I think not. On a related note, that bridesmaid might be dead.

I swear to God that asshat is still dancing after that debacle.


CNNDonald Trump’s travel to his private club in Florida has cost over an estimated $20-million in his first 80-days as president, putting the president on pace in his first year of office to surpass former President Barack Obama’s spending on travel for his entire 8-years.

If this surprises you, well, you haven’t been paying attention. And everybody, including our game show host turned President of the United States of America, bitched about how much vacation time Obama took. Here’s an example of one of The Donald’s many tweets:

“President @BarackObama’s vacation is costing taxpayers millions of dollars—-Unbelievable!”

Hey, at least he didn’t add a “SAD!” in there. But hey, Melania is still living in, and being protected at, Trump Tower at our expense ($500,000 a day) so there’s that. Can’t waste time in that trash dump at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. That would suck, man. Anyhoo, gotta hand it to Donnie. Dude shoves it in our face like you read about. Zero conscience.

I’m sure Fox News will be outraged by all this. Expect a full report soon.

On a related note, this is pretty funny, in retrospect:

PS- Honestly? I could not care less how many vacation days a president takes. It’s not the quantity of days spent on the job, after all, but the quality. The hypocrisy of Trump, however, is hilarious. 

 

Classy on the left, dumbassy on the right. Seriously, any woman that would allow this must be madly in love, man. Either that or the toolbag is controlling the relationship. The backward hats just top off the dopey ensemble, don’t they? On a related jerk note, that third guy from the right seems to be texting. How fitting. Have mercy.

So I stopped at a gas station today to fill up the Jeep. While there I mosied inside to grab a pop for myself and a Slim Jim for the Spark. As I was grabbing my stuff, I proceeded to witness the following bizarre exchange between the lady at the counter and a older, hunched over geezer on a mission:

Geezer: “Where’s yer Zagnuts?”

Lady: “My what?”

Geezer: “Yer Zagnuts!”

I mean, this guy was speaking really loudly.

Lady: “Sir, we don’t carry . . .”

Geezer: “ZAGNUT! I WANT A ZAGNUT!”

Man, I gotta tell ya, this guy really wanted a Zagnut. Bro was unhinged. He was yelling now, and he hadn’t walked in there for a Baby Ruth, a Milky Way, nor a Butterfinger. Dude wanted a Zagnut and he wanted one now.

Lady, showing extraordinary patience: “Sir, we don’t have Zagnuts. I don’t even know what they are.”

Geezer: “How in the HELL could anyone not know what a Zagnut is? They’re ZAGNUTS!”

At this point the lady was totally confused as to what to do, and actually seemed a little frightened. So, being the gentleman I am, I tried to help:

Hey buddy, how about some Goobers? Goobers are good.”

At that point the old dude glared at me, made a noise that sounded like somebody stepped on a baby squirrel, turned, stormed out the door, got into his 1981 Chrysler Cordoba and squealed out of the lot, presumably on a quest for the elusive Zagnut.

Me? Although I had to pay for my pop, the Spark got a free Slim Jim. Damn Sparky always seems to come out ahead, and he’d stayed in the car.

But man, I’d never seen anybody so intent on getting a Zagnut.

PS- Do they even make Zagnuts anymore?

PPS- I looked it up. They do.

Regular readers know just how much myself and my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied hate bad parking, especially asshats who think they have special privileges because they drive an expensive car. And parking in handicapped spots is a particularly unforgivable sin. You can find proof of our mean-spiritedness at our Asshat Parkers of the Day site. Our basic philosophy is this – if your asshattery is so strong that you need to perform the asshatish act of taking up two spots, go to the far corner of the damn lot. It’s not a complex concept, asshat. Anyhoo, what follows is my Top 10 Acts of Asshat Parking Revenge. Kudos to these fine Americans who are fighting this righteous, noble fight. Let us begin . . .

This first one is a rather harmless, though annoying act of revenge. I suppose it could be quickly rectified with a pocket knife, but it is irritating and point proving nonetheless. Other acts of revenge can much more malicious, as you shall soon see.

Next we have an asshat who made the mistake of parking in someone’s business lot illegally. Rather than calling a tow truck, this awe-inspiring do-gooder pulled out his handy-dandy forklift. Well done, sir.

What we see below is an asshat who made the egregious error of parking his precious vehicle on one of those grass islands rather than the actual lot so it wouldn’t get dinged. Seems he had a reputation for this asshattishly boorish behavior. Hence the bros lifting some concrete parking dividers to hem the asshat in. Kudo, bros. Kudos.

In the photo below we have an asshat who, although the spot was clearly marked “No Parking,” thought he could squeeze in because he had one of those obnoxious little smart cars. As you can see by the photo below, smart car, dumb owner. Note: I would have probably just picked it up and put it in a tree or something.

Here we have the act of some heroic mall workers, exacting sweet revenge on an asshat who left his car there after business hours, a rule clearly posted for all to see. Except asshats of course. Interlocking shopping carts – genius!

Hey asshat! You parked in a clearly marked spot for motorcycles! Good job, motorcycle dude. Note: I know 2-people could easily move the motorcycle, but still a nice effort.

Oh, how I love this next one. Now this asshat can never say he didn’t see the line. PS- That’s probably tape but oh how I wish it were paint. Wait. It’s clearly tape. Disregard.

Word of warning to all asshats: Never block a fire hydrant when the firefighters care about to roll in. And I love the fact that although the firemen had plenty of hose [insert joke here], they busted the windows out anyway. Firemen, man.

One of my all-time favorites. When an Asshat Vette owner rolled into a prime spot in front of a Red Robin near Boston, heroic Asshat Patrol member Kyle DeMattia took action. He even took video of his courageous act, which you may view below the photo. You are a legend, Kyle DeMattia. A legend I say.

Lastly we have proof that righteous, virtuous and honorable people still exist in this world, in this particular case Maringa, Brazil. This photo shows the breathtaking and honorable public shaming of an asshat who illegally parked in a handicapped spot. Hundreds of people lined up on both sides of the street to jeer and laugh at this asshat who returned to his car and found it covered with thousands of blue stickers and white wheelchair signs. Glorious, I tell you. Glorious. Felicitações, Brasil!

So be forewarned, asshats. The world is watching, and you shall be held accountable for your asshatish actions. Our movement is growing by leaps and bounds, and we are everywhere. Your solution? Park like a human being and not an asshat.

Just imagine. You finally get word that your dream has come true. You’ve been chosen to appear on your favorite game show, Wheel of Fortune. The Wheel, man! And then, just when you’re on the brink of greatness, you think the answer is “Streetcar Naked Desire” rather than “Streetcar Named Desire”. Sad really.


Listen, everyone knows I love animals and hate anything that has to do with hurting them. I can’t fathom why anyone would watch a bullfight. Don’t get it, won’t get it, will never get it. Anyway, this 7-second video is stellar for a couple reasons. The obvious one is that this dude gets absolutely demolished by the bull. The second one is the fact that he looks like he’s talking to a chick in the stands just before he’s demolished. He says something just before casually putting his foot on the door to presumably hold it shut, trying to look all cool and whatnot. Who’s cool now, toolbag? The bull, that’s who.

PS- A great soundtrack always makes a video better. Always.

Here’s noted douche-tool Carmelo Anthony last night, fur-laden because he’s apparently doing some post-game trapping in the Yukon and not hopping into his limo before it even exits the bowels of Madison Square Garden. Nice look, Grizzly Adams.

This is the moment a high school basketball tournament official in Wisconsin stopped a little boy from hugging his older sister after her team won the state championship because it “breached safety rules.” 3-year old Jaylen Levy jumped up and down in excitement as he waited for his older sister Sydney to pick him up after the match at the Resch Center in Green Bay, Wisconsin, on Saturday. Her team, the Appleton North Lightning Girls’ Basketball team, had just won the state championship. But as the teenager reached out for her younger brother, tournament official Deb Hauser stood between them to block the hug. She shooed little Jaylen back to his parents and sent Sydney on her way, to the dismay of her younger sibling. Jaylen had hugged his sister after every victory this year.

My comments follow the video.

This, my friends, is a classic example of somebody following the “letter of the law” rather than the “spirit of the law.” Only a human being with a soulless, black heart would have stopped that little boy from hugging his sister. Clearly the rule was meant for court storming or other dangerous actions, not to stop a 3-year old from hugging his big sister. Only a tournament official on a power trip would commit such a heinous act.  Shame on you, Deb Hauser.

So Michigan football coach Jim Harbaugh took a shot at Ohio State yesterday, tweeting out this photo with the words “Unairbrushed evidence has been uncovered that confirms Woody’s love & strong feelings for the University of Michigan.”

As you might imagine, this set off a firestorm in Buckeye Land. First off, Woody wore that abomination on his head for a reason. He was at a charity event and a man told him he’d donate $50 if Woody would put it on. Woody then responded that he’d do it for $100. Hence the photo.

 As for Harbaugh, it was fans of Michigan State, Michigan’s other blood rival, that responded with a vengeance. The following photos were soon tweeted with the caption: “Unairbrushed evidence has been uncovered that confirms Jim’s love & strong feelings for MSU.”

  

That’s good stuff right there.

Full disclosure: I kind of like Jim Harbaugh. He seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with, plus he makes the rivalry a hell of a lot more fun than Brady Freakin’ Hoke.

Sigh. Here’s the deal. Princeton’s class of 2012 is having a 5th year reunion and their slogan is “Revenge of the Fifth.” Get it? The latest Star Wars movie was “Revenge of the Sith”? I know, not very original but whatever. Anyhoo, their costume inspiration was stormtroopers, and people got upset. Here’s the letter the reunion committee sent out: starwars-princeton

Sweet son of a mother. How in the world can someone who was born in 1990 be offended by a common term used in Nazi Germany? HOW? Newsflash: Star Wars came out in 1977, only 32-years after the fall of Hitler’s Germany, and it was a huge worldwide hit. This means, kids, that millions of the actual people who suffered at the hands of the Nazis were still alive when the movie came out. I’m talking about people who were terrorized by Hitler’s Gestapo and SS and survived the Nazi death camps. These people somehow managed to watch the movie, hear the term Stormtrooper, and you know, realize they were watching a movie. Yet, a bunch of 27-year-olds wussies from Princeton are so offended they have to run to their “safe space.” Heaven help us all.

stormtroopersboth

Attention Princeton dumbasses: L: Actual Stormtrooper. R: Pretend Movie Stormtrooper

Ladies and gentlemen, the Wussification of America continues . . .

Boo freakin' hoo.

Boo freakin’ hoo.

Douglasville, GA: Two white supremacists will spend the next several decades behind bars after being found guilty of hate crime charges stemming from their bizarre decision to parade a Confederate flag and hurl racially motivated death threats near a black family celebrating an eight-year-old’s birthday.

Jose Ismael Torres, 26, and Kayla Rae Norton, 25, joined a caravan of trucks laden with confederate flags as they menaced a Douglasville, Georgia, family who were simply trying to have a good time.

Video from the incident, which was played in court, shows multiple pickup trucks slowly cruising by and hurling racial insults and death threats. Police officers can be seen attempting to defuse tensions between the partygoers and the racist entourage.

During their court testimony, Torres and Norton revealed that they were part of a group called “Respect the Flag” and apologized for their actions.

Norton was slapped with 15-years with 6 to serve in prison, while Torrest received 20-years with 13 served in prison.

Listen, was this judge a little tough on these two racist dumbasses? Probably. Do I still like these sentences? Hell yes I do. Hey, they yelled racial slurs and threatened to kill people at an 8-year old’s party. What a bunch of morons. They’re getting what they deserve. And check ’em out, crying their eyes out like 3rd graders. Boo-freaking-hoo. And nothing says “Respect the Flag” like intolerance and ignorance, huh? Hey Jose Ismael and Kayla Rae, I have news for you – you’re idiots.

Man, I hate racists.

So I tried to watch the Oscars Sunday night and lasted about seven and a half minutes. Why? Because although I love movies I hate pompous, self-important actors who have a complete lack of self-awareness. Good Lord, they pretend to be somebody else and get paid for it. Hey, I’ve pretended to be someone else through several relationships, didn’t get paid for it, and actually lost money. That’s not fair, is it?

Anyway, I’m sick of hearing melodramatic actors talk about how important they are, then shower adulation on each other like they’re all Mother Teresa or something. The video below is a great example of what I’m talking about. It’s somebody named Viola Davis giving her acceptance speech and it’s nauseating. The lowlight was when she actually uttered this line:

“We are the only profession that celebrates what it means to live a life.”

Boom! Guess all you firefighters, pediatric surgeons, pastors, obstetricians and EMTs don’t know anything about celebrating what it means to live a life. What a bunch of underachieving, meaningless life living losers you are. Actors, man.

Anyhoo, check it out. She blathered on longer but you’ll get the gist. Oh, and I love it when she’s going on about Denzel Washington and he looks at her like, “Nah, we don’t really work for a living. Chillax.”

So, in a nutshell that’s why I can’t watch. She’s acting like pretending to be somebody else in a movie is the only important profession on earth. It is not. Good God.

viola

This makes me very happy.

cccocky

Nobody tries, nobody competes, and now nobody cares. This video encapsulates why I hate the NBA All-Star game. It’s a joke. I need a beer, man.

drinking-dog