Archive for the ‘Assclowns’ Category

Just an awful blow to the head. Hope he’s OK.

Advertisements

What can I say, some headlines just write themselves . . .

BYRON, Ill. — Ten football players at a Northern Illinois high school were suspended from the team for three games last month after they ran across the field naked with Oreo cookies wedged between their buttocks. The Rockford Register Star reports that the Byron High School players were suspended for indecent exposure after school administrators concluded they went on the “Oreo Run” at the school’s football field voluntarily and were not victims of hazing.

Well, isn’t this a crummy story. Listen, I couldn’t care less that a bunch of football players were involved in some homo-erotic team tradition. Hey, to each his own. What does bother me is that perfectly innocent Oreos were involved. Delicious Oreos are made to be eaten, not double-stuffed into a tight end. That’s abuse of a delicious snack treat, my friends.

PS- I heard one of the guys lost the filling in his ass. That’s unfortunate.

PPS- That “double stuffed into a tight end” line is what separates me from your ordinary bloggers, kids.

Sigh . . .

Local radio stations across the country have officially started to air their Christmas playlists as the holiday quickly approaches. But when it comes to Cleveland’s Star 102’s festive lineup, one classic won’t be heard.

“Baby It’s Cold Outside” may have been a fan favorite in the past. However, after one listener called in to flag the song’s lyrics, the station’s emcees realized that there may not be a place for the “manipulative” connotations of the song in 2018.

Written in 1944, the song’s lyrics detail an interaction between a man and woman, when the woman expresses her desire to leave his house, and he lures her to stay:

“My mother will start to worry (Beautiful what’s your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor (Listen to the fireplace roar)
So really I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry)
Well maybe just a half a drink more (Put some records on while I pour).”

“We used to play the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” but the executives told us it’s no longer appropriate,” employee Glenn Anderson wrote on the station’s site.

Aaaand so it begins. First “Baby It’s Cold Outside”, and next they’ll come after “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” because it’s about adultery (yes, I know Santa was actually the father but you get the point). Seriously, I understand the Me Too Movement and its importance. I realize certain attitudes need changing, but isn’t this going a little too far? We’re talking about a Christmas song from another time. It was written in 1944 after all, and music reflects the time in which it was written. And have any of these people listened to rap lyrics? Hell, John Lennon sang about killing his girlfriend if she left him in 1964. Don’t believe me? Check it:

Well, I’d rather see you dead, little girl
Than to be with another man
You better keep your head, little girl
Or you won’t know where I am
You better run for your life if you can, little girl
Hide your head in the sand, little girl
Catch you with another man
That’s the end, little girl.

But hey, Lennon never killed anyone as far as we know. But this is not a new story where music is concerned. Remember back in the 80s when some kid committed suicide and his parents blamed an Ozzy Osborne song? You know, because it had nothing to do with the fact they were inattentive, lousy parents. Yeesh.

Anyway, lighten up people. It’s a song.

PS- Anyone under 25 won’t be listening to this song or give a damn anyway.

 

See what I did there?

Washington Post: A Texas mother is calling out a Southwest Airlines employee who she said mocked her 5-year-old daughter’s name and then posted a picture of the small child’s boarding pass on social media.
Traci Redford told ABC affiliate KABC her daughter’s name is Abcde, which is pronounced “ab-si-dee.”

Redford said the incident occurred when she and her daughter were preparing to board a flight from Santa Ana, Calif., home to El Paso, Tex. Redford told the station that a gate agent at California’s John Wayne Airport saw Abcde’s name and started pointing, laughing and talking to other employees about Redford and her child.

Southwest Airlines has since apologized, saying that the social media post is “not indicative of the care, respect, and civility” that the airline requires from its employees.

Here’s the deal. If you name your kid Abcde you should not only expect her to be mocked, you should expect her to be belittled, razzed, teased, disparaged, scorned, roasted, bad-mouthed and pooh-poohed. What are you going to name your next kid, Fghijk? Then Lmnopq? The mind reels, man.

PS- Seriously, why do people try so hard to come up with unique names for their kids? Every time little Blayde or Hayzil or Aliviyah gives someone their name at a bank or hotel they’re going to have to spell it out for the rest of their lives. Little Max, Sam or Hank? Not so much. Time saved, baby.

PPS- Turns out Abcde is not that unique. A little Googling reveals that an Abcde Zoller plays soccer for the University of Hawaii at Hilo, and an Abcde de Coito teaches Zumba classes in the Aloha state. The site NameCandy also suggests the name may also be relatively common in New Mexico and among Latino families. Huh. Who knew?

These are the young men of Baraboo High School in Wisconsin. They are posing on the steps of the county court house before their prom last Spring. And yes, most of them are giving the Nazi salute. How, I ask you, has blatant racism become so acceptable for some people in 2018? How could anyone think this is OK? Hell, by the looks on their faces they seem to find themselves hilarious. I ask you, who has enabled racists to become so damn brazen?

Click to see the faces of bigots up close.

PS- It’s Trump. The person I’m talking about is Trump.

CTV News: A study published this month in the Journal of Family Medicine and Primary Care said 259 people had died taking selfies between October 2011 and November 2017.

The report, based on findings from researchers who scoured worldwide media reports, said the main causes of selfie deaths were drowning, usually involving people being washed away by waves or falling from a boat, followed by people killed while posing in front of a moving train, deaths involving falls from high places or while taking pictures with dangerous animals.

Listen, I think I’m a pretty compassionate person, I really do. That said, it’s hard to feel badly for anyone who dies while being swept away by the ocean, falling off a cruise ship, getting hit by a train, falling off a cliff or getting mauled by a wild animal, all while attempting a cool selfie to post on social media. I’m sorry but that’s funny stuff right there:

“Hey Edna! Get over here! Let’s get a selfie with this crocodile! It’ll be great!”

And seriously, getting hit by a train while posing with your iPhone is classic. It’s really nature weeding out the weak, you know? Natural selection in action, man.

Listen, I couldn’t name one damn Bieber song. Sure, I’ll give anyone a try but the first time I heard him I was out a few bars in. Not my cup of tea. And hey, I know the guy is a tool who wears sunglasses indoors and is about as self-aware as a clam.  Still, I kept my hate at bay until today. Why, you ask? Because today these eyes gazed upon a sight that was so horrific, so outrageous, so abominable and so unforgivable that he can never, ever be forgiven.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, Justin Bieber eats his burritos sideways.

[UPDATE: That’s not Bieber]

PS- Maybe it’s a Canadian thing?

PPS- I’ve offended many a group on this website. Nazis, racists, Duke fans, LeBron James, bowler’s mothers, eclipse lovers, the list is a long one. Bring it on, Beliebers.

LaDue, MO: A St. Louis mother has filed a federal lawsuit, claiming that a soccer coach’s decision to cut her son from the junior varsity team was age discrimination.

The suit claims the soccer coach told the boy’s mom that he was “right on the bubble” of making the team, but that there were too many kids who had a better soccer skill and soccer IQ than him. The coach also wasn’t willing to put the boy on junior varsity again.

The mother and stepfather complained to the school, but they eventually supported the coach’s decision.  The teen’s mom claims her son will face “irreparable harm” if he’s not put on the team.

A judge is expected to make a decision in the case on Monday.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Age discrimination? For realz? Listen, any coach with a brain in their skull will tell you that if two players are of equal talent the younger one usually plays. That’s just common sense, right? Because you’re going to have them longer and they’ll have more of a chance to develop? Bueller? Bueller? Anybody? And sorry kid, but I guarantee your coach was being kind when he said you were “on the bubble.” Newsflash: You were not on the bubble. You were under the bubble. Perhaps nowhere near the bubble. In fact, there were not only “too many kids with better soccer skills” than you, but they also had better soccer IQs. This means you don’t understand how to soccer, dude.

But you know the worst part of this story? The worst part is that mommy squandered a perfect life lesson for this kid, like, you know, work harder to achieve your goals, rewards are earned and not given, stuff like that. I can’t wait until this kid is passed over for a promotion at work when he’s 27 and mom tries to sue his boss. Good stuff, man. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times – how in the world can a kid learn to deal with adversity if mommy and daddy are going to jump in and save them every time they face it?

UPDATE: The judge threw the case out of court, stomped on it, spat upon it and was seen laughing uncontrollably as he skipped away. Good job, judge.

PS- I can totally name some parents who would do this, but I’ll save it for my upcoming blockbuster blog. Stay tuned.

See how my people censored the photos? Crack staff indeed.

Toronto, Canada: Visitors were enjoying a monthly jazz night at Ripley’s Aquarium, in Toronto, Canada, last Friday when a man decided to skinny dip. He didn’t seem to have a worry in the world despite being circled by two sharks. Onlookers seemed equally shocked by his foolishness and nakedness. Security at the aquarium were not pleased with his antics and a video showed them telling him to get out. The exhibitionist seemed to be following their orders but inexplicably dived back into the water moments later. Guards made sure they secured him when he got out again and escorted him away.

Oh my. Where to start? First of all, I think it should be posted at all zoos and aquariums that if you enter a wild animal habitat you are 100% on your own. No discussion, no debate. No other human should be subjected to danger because of your stupidity. Secondly, I’m sure glad that security was “not pleased with his antics.” Had they been pleased they’re probably not very good at securitying. I’ll also pat the onlookers on the back for being “shocked by his foolishness and nakedness.” Seems like an appropriate reaction. Finally, why do crazy people take their clothes off before doing something crazy? There has to be some psychological reason for this, no?

PS- Jazz night indeed.

For the 7% of you out there who still watch major league baseball, you know the playoffs are in progress as we speak. The Dodgers are playing the Brewers, and last night some doofus named Manny Machado loafed to first base on a routine ground ball to the shortstop. Then, after the game he said this:

Obviously I’m not going to change, I’m not the type of player that’s going to be ‘Johnny Hustle,’ and run down the line and slide to first base and … you know, whatever can happen. That’s just not my personality, that’s not my cup of tea, that’s not who I am.”

Uh, OK. We get it. You don’t hustle. You don’t work hard. You’re lazy. You know, because that’s not “who you are” and not your “cup of tea.” I swear to God when I heard the interview on the radio I thought it was a Saturday Night Live parody. On a related note, Manny Machado makes $16-million a year to play baseball.

PS- As a free agent for 2019, he is expected to sign a contract in excess of $400-million. Sigh.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Soddy-Daisy High School’s athletic director Jared Hensley. Listen, I’m about as non-PC as they come, bit this guy is nuts. I was trying my best to believe the guy might be joking, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t sound serious as hell. How in the world would he ever think this is OK to say in 2018? I mean, I’ve known some dumb administrators, but . . . never mind, just watch.

Listen, I don’t know if this is a setup or not, maybe the drone operator and the guy on the wind turbine are buddies. What I do know is I don’t give a damn, that guy’s batshit crazy. He’s 200-feet up on a Wind Turbine in Rhode Island with no railing and one wobble of that thing or one gust of wind will send him over the edge where he deserves to be – squashed on the ground below. Idiots like this guy deserve what they get.

Update: Apparently this nutcase is a Benedictine Monk who went up there for “some solitude.” What the hell? Don’t they lock the doors to wind turbines in Rhode Island?

Not her. This is a different idiot.

Adriatic News: A cruise ship passenger who was rescued from the Adriatic Sea 10-hours after falling overboard is in “excellent condition,” a doctor said Monday. The 46-year-old British woman is “very healthy,” Irena Hristic, director of the Pula Clinic in Croatia, told reporters.

“She said the fact that she practices yoga helped her as she was fit. And she said she was singing to not feel cold in the sea overnight,” the rescuer told the news site. Probably that’s the only way she survived,” the doctor added. “She’s nice lady. A healthy lady.” The rescued passenger, who identified herself to reporters as Kay, fell from the rear deck of the Norwegian Star as it sailed from Dubrovnik to Venice. 

Wow, it’s great to hear that this poor lady was rescued after spending HOW THE HELL DO YOU FALL OFF A CRUISE SHIP? Had to be drunk, right? Had to be.

PS- Honestly, I can think of few more terrifying things than treading water in the open ocean overnight. Sweet Mother of God.

PPS- More recent reports are saying that she and her boyfriend were fighting, and that “alcohol may have been involved.” Boom. Nailed it.

We’ve all wondered the same thing. How in the hell can an athlete making gazillions of dollars go bankrupt so quickly?

Because, hell yes, it happens. Often.

Consider these staggering facts:

The National Basketball Association leads all U.S. team sports in salaries, paying $6.39 million per year on average. Major League Baseball players earn $4.39 million on average, NHL hockey pays an average income of $2.9 mil to their athletes, and the average salary for NFL players who were drafted and make the team out of training camp is $2.43 million.

To the average hard-working everyman, that’s a shit-ton of cash, amirite?

Still, consider these facts:

After only 2-years of retirement, 78% of NFL players were either broke or struggling financially.

Within 5-years of retirement, 60% of NBA players are broke.

Major League Baseball players file for bankruptcy at a rate 4-times the national average.

Kids, professional athletes file bankruptcy at a rate of 7.8 times more than the average American, who earns an average of $51,000 per household. That said, let’s take a gander at some pro athletes who have pissed away more money than most of us could ever have dreamed of seeing in our lifetimes . . .

Ever heard of boxer Mike Tyson? Dude was a machine early in his career, just demolishing everyone in his path. He was worth $400-million in his prime, yet he went bankrupt.  Tyson’s main competitor, Evander Holyfield, was worth an astounding $560-million at one time, but had to file bankruptcy as well.

Anyone recall NBA point guard Allen Iverson? AI was worth $156-million at one point, but was declared insolvent due to historically hilarious spending.

Former Kentucky Wildcat/Boston Celtic Walker blew through $110-million and filed for bankruptcy as well. How is this possible, you ask? Well, here’s how:

  • He owned two Bentleys, two Mercedes, a Range Rover, a Cadillac Escalade, and a Hummer, all outfitted with the latest gizmos of course.
  • He’d authorized 5-people to use his American Express card.
  • He wouldn’t wear the same suit twice.
  • He had an expensive watch collection.
  • He had a 70-person entourage and paid for their cell phone, rent and car payments (which of course be bought for them too).
  • Add to all that a series of bad investments and a gambling addiction and you have, shall we say, problems.

Yowza. But let us continue.

Remember NFL QB Vince Young? He signed a $26-million contract in 2006 and was broke by 2011. How in the hell? Well, here’s how. Let’s see, one of the reasons is that he did things like buying all the seats on a Southwest Airlines flight, simply because he wanted to fly alone. He also reportedly averaged spending $5,000 a week at The Cheesecake Factory. Now, I like The Cheesecake Factory as much as the next guy, but really? Couldn’t you spend that kind of cash on a personal chef and get a little variety? Jeebus.

There are many levels of stupid, and NBA player Chris Bosh is apparently both stupid and heartless. It’s a long story that you can search up on the Goggle, but his wife Allison of his 3-year old daughter Trinity had to apply for food stamps a few years ago. Chris Bosh at the time, my friends, was making $18-million a year.

And no, the problem isn’t just prominent with kids who grow up poor and in inner cities. To wit . . .

Hall of Fame NFL legend Johnny Unitas went bankrupt. So did quarterback Mark Burnell, who earned $52-million over his long playing career.

Remember Bill Buckner, the Boston Red Sox first baseman who let the ball roll between his legs to let the Mets back in – and win – the World Series in 1986? He had to file for bankruptcy in 2008.

Curt Schilling is a legendary pitcher who had major success in the World Series. He filed for insolvency after he couldn’t pay back a $75-million loan to start a video game company. And Philadelphia Phillies great Lenny Dykstra also had to file for bankruptcy after becoming a “financial guru” in retirement and ending up with $50-million in liabilities and only $50,000 in assets.

There’s more. NFL players Lawrence Taylor, Michael Vick and Travis Henry had highly-publicized legal troubles to make them broke despite earning a combined $200-million buckaroos.

Let’s keep going. The NBA’s Scottie Pippen won 6-world championship rings with the Chicago Bulls, yet still filed for insolvency despite earning $120-million during his playing days.

Hell, maybe San Diego Padres teammates Jack Clark and Tony Gwynn had the same bad financial advisor, because they both ended up filing for bankruptcy after their playing days –and their bank accounts – were numbered.

Terrell Owens, just inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame, ran through most of the $80-million he made during his 15-year career, thanks in part to bad investments and business deals.

And the bad decision-making isn’t limited to he three major American sports.  Olympic sprinter Marion Jones lost all of her wealth and filed for bankruptcy after being disgraced by a doping scandal.

WNBA legend Sheryl Swoopes? She had to do the same in 2004 even though she made more than $50-million in her career.

But let’s go farther back. America’s darling Dorothy Hamill, the 1976 Olympic gold medal winning figure skater, had to file for bankruptcy in 1995.

So I ask you. How does a person make millions of dollars over his/her career, yet go broke within five years of leaving his/her sport? How is this even possible? Well, there are several reasons. Let’s take a look:

  • Most athletes think they’ll compete for at least 15-20 years, but in reality the average NBA career is less than 3-years. NFL players? Under 3.5-years. This is because of injuries or maybe just getting cut. In addition, 65% of NFL players leave the game with permanent injuries before they barely get started.
  • Entourages. They’re not good. The more hangers-on the worse it’ll be. See Antoine Walker, among many others.
  • Dumb overspending. Athletes see the money as infinite. They can’t imagine it ever running out. How could they ever spend it all? Spoiler alert: They can.
  • Athletes are targets for poor investment pitches. They’re naïve and fall for all sorts of outlandish schemes, and the con men know this. The sharks begin circling the minute the contract is signed.
  • To most poor, inner-city athletes the worst thing anyone can say about them is that they turned their back on their old neighborhood. Even athletes with middle or upper class backgrounds feel the responsibility to support their entire family and beyond. Think about it. What if you signed a $10-million contract tomorrow? Imagine the family and friends that would come out of the woodwork, asking for a handout. I’ve seen up close the mentality that the aforementioned Antoine Walker exhibits when he’s literally paying for a 70-person entourage. You see, a lot of these guys have made it out of tough situations, growing up with very little. In the eyes of the family and neighborhood friends they grew up with, the worst thing a guy could do would be to turn his back on them. So, the athletes feel like they have to take care of the people they grew up around. That’s no excuse, but it’s why you see the hangers-on and the leeches being allowed to take advantage and blow money that isn’t theirs. The player doesn’t want to be labeled a sellout, plain and simple. I’ve seen it up close and personal.
  • Divorce. This is often cited as the number one challenge, as divorce drains funds in legal fees and dissipates assets. The athlete ends up with half of what they earned and may have large and burdensome alimony and child support payments as well. Which leads us to . . .
  • We all know the problem many professional athletes have with the apparent unwillingness to use protection during sex. Combine that with some women knowing that having a baby is a free ticket to never working again and well, you get a lot of unwanted pregnancies. Want some proof? Former NBA player Kenny Anderson has some interesting stats: 8-teams, 7-children, 5-women. Pro football player Willis McGahee has 9-kids with 8-different women. Former NBA hoopster Willie Anderson? 9-kids, 7-women. Another NBA guy, Jason Caffey, has 10-kids with 8-different women. That’s almost a double-double. Pro football player Travis Henry ups the ante with 11-kids and 10-baby mamas. Antonio Cromartie has 12-kids with 8-women. There’s a video of him attempting to name all of them and it is sadly and pathetically funny. And finally, I give you NBA legend Calvin Murphy. Calvin has 14-children by 9-different women. I believe we have a winner. Calvin’s nickname when he played? “The Pocket Rocket.” Pocket Rocket indeed. Bottom line, child support for all those kids can certainly drain a banking account and empty your pockets.
  • Lack of competent financial planning advice. The fact is a lot of young professional athletes simply don’t contact the people they should be contacting – honest, up-front financial advisors with their best interest at heart..
  • Lack of preparation for a second career. Pro athletes have long off seasons they can use to lay the foundation for their life after sports. However, some athletes do not give it a second thought and end up missing the structure and direction that sports has given them. Quite simply, they don’t use their free time to plan ahead.
  • Finally, a lot of these pro athletes have been coddled for so long that a lot of them just don’t have anyone to tell them no, that they’re making asinine decisions, or that they’re just being stupid. That’s sad but true, man.

However, there are exceptions. I give you gentlemen like Mr. Klay Thompson, Mr. Junior Bridgeman, and Mr. Earvin “Magic” Johnson, just to name a few.

First let me tell you about Klay Thompson. We all know Klay, the 26-year old who plays for the Golden State Warriors. He’s one of the top pure shooters in the NBA. Klay’s father is Mychal Thompson, who was a helluva player in his own right back in the day. Long story short, Mychal and Klay’s mother Julie controlled Klay’s bank account, at least in his first few years in the NBA. All checks went directly to them. You know, so he didn’t buy a gold-plated commode or something. Klay’s parents gave him $300.00 a week in an envelope for spending money. Yep, $300.00. Back in 2014 Klay got into a fight in a game and was fined $35,000.00 by the league. Because of this his “allowance” was cut by mom and dad. Seem excessive? Maybe. But as Klay matured and proved he could handle it he gained more control over his dough. To me, that’s just two parents who care about their son.

Junior Bridgeman played at Louisville and had a 12-year career in the NBA. He was a good, not great, player, but he was smart. Junior has no gold plated cars, no $50,000 gold chains, no armored vehicles. Instead, he happens to own 196 Wendy’s franchises and over 100 Chili’s Restaurants. And oh by the way, if you’re interested in buying a Wendy’s you’ll need a minimum net worth of $5 million, including at least $2 million of liquid assets. But most agreements stipulate royalties of 4% of sales, so there’s that.

Earvin “Magic” Johnson? When he was still playing he had the good sense to sit down with Michael Ovitz, CEO of Creative Arts Agency, a cat who understood business to say the least. Ovitz talked, Magic listened. Magic now runs Magic Johnson Enterprises, a company that had a net worth of $700-million as of 2015, and its subsidiaries include Magic Johnson Productions, Magic Johnson Theaters, and Magic Johnson Entertainment, which happens to be a movie studio. In addition to these business ventures, he has created the Magic Card, a pre-paid MasterCard aimed at helping low-income people save money and participate in electronic commerce. And this doesn’t even mention his work on television and his motivational speaking income. And did I mention he’s a co-owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers? Bottom line? Earvin “Magic” Johnson was worth over $500-million dollars by 2015.

And what about LeBron James? He currently has a net worth of roughly $440-million and recently built a school that guarantees students free tuition, free uniforms, free breakfast, free lunch and snacks, free transportation within 2 miles of the school, a free bicycle and helmet, access to a food pantry for their family, and guaranteed tuition for all graduates to the University of Akron

See? It can be done. Just look at guys like Klay Thompson, Junior Bridgeman, Magic Johnson, LeBron James and many others.

Most major professional sports require their rookies to go to a seminar explaining all the perils that lie ahead, but clearly it’s not working. I’m not sure how you can convince a guy who has never had much money that millions can disappear so quickly, that he doesn’t really need that $200,000 pedigreed Belgian racing pigeon or that $1,000,000 Red Tibetan Mastiff to crap in his yard or maybe roll on a dead cat.

Hell, I don’t have any answers.

Maybe all checks should go directly to Klay Thompson’s parents. Then we could let them dole it out.

Touché.

I have a few observations. First off, stellar camera work here. Beautiful foreshadowing with the closeup of the gator. Secondly, who ziplines over a gator pit? Thirdly, WHO ZIPLINES OVER A GATOR PIT WHILE HOLDING A 3-YEAR OLD KID? Fourthly, I guarantee this was a case of a spoiled kid who demanded to go ziplining over gators and mommy and daddy allowed it because the kid runs the house. Fifthly, people are dumb.

Note: Sixthly, I’m awesome at making up words.

I know, I know, this has all been discussed before on some level. I mean, we bitch daily about terrible drivers, right? It’s sort of an American national pastime. Still, nothing seems to be changing. People still suck at driving. That said, myself and my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied compiled a list, narrowed it down, and are set to present our Top 12 Driving Pet Peeves.

Note: Our staff is comprised of people from several nationalities, and the consensus is that although bad driving is universal, Vietnam definitely has the worst drivers. I’m not sure though. Watching this video makes me think they might just have the best drivers.

And now, on to our list . . .

Not Using Your Turn Signals

This one is pretty common, right? Idiots who can’t reach their hand 4-inches over and flip a simple turn signal switch to let you know they’re about to make a turn? Is that too much to ask? For some lazy asses, the answer is apparently yes.

Driving Side-By-Side On a 4-Lane Highway

Yep. Nothing worse than some jackwagon in the left lane driving right beside somebody in the right lane, going at exactly the same speed. Dude, drive faster and get back in the right lane! Or, slow down and get back in the right lane! Either will suffice! Do it man! You’re holding up traffic!

Going Too Slow In The Left Lane

This is another common one, amirite? Dude, move the hell over. How hard is this to understand? How many times have you driven by some guy in the left lane, just oblivious to the fact that cars are whizzing by him on the freakin’ right? Jesus God, this is not hard folks.

Slowing Down When Merging

Oh, this one kills me. You’re merging into a slew of cars going 75-mph, and you expect to seamlessly blend in with them by starting at 10-mph? Hell, I’ve even seen people come to a complete stop! You have to get up to their speed to merge you twatwaffle! I need to take a break. Gimme a second.

Ok, I’m fine now. Let us proceed.

Speeding Up When Someone Is Passing You

Why, oh why, do people do this? Do they somehow feel less of a human being because they’re being passed? Are they losing their self-worth? Or are they just huge dipwads? I vote dipwad. I swear to God I fight the urge to ram them every time but I haven’t.

Yet.

Slowing Almost To A Stop When Making a Turn

Am I the only one who sees this? People slowing down to a speed of 1-mph to make a turn into a gas station or something? Do they think they’re going to roll their 1983 Chevy Citation and end up in a fireball of death? Hell, I’ve even seen people STOP before turning. For the love of all that is holy, make it stop.

Sitting Too Long At Green Lights

You know why this has gotten worse, right? Because of our damn cell phones. We can’t let 60-seconds go by without checking to see how many Facebook likes we got for that photo of the Braised Leeks with Mozzarella we had for dinner last night, right? Jeebus.

Crossing The Line In Double Turns

Ok, let me explain. Let’s say two lanes are turning left on a 4-lane road. Inevitably some crackerhead on the inside lane will take a wide turn and run the outside guy into a damn guardrail. OR, the outside guy will turn too sharply and force the inside guy into the opposite lane of oncoming traffic. For you locals reading this, it happens on the exit ramp from 35 East to Bridge Street North daily.

Pulling Out In Front Of Me And Then Driving Too Slowly

This just happened to me today. I’m cruising comfortably at 60-mph when some woman in a Subaru Impreza pulls right out in front of me. Now, if I accidentally pull out in front of someone the least I can do is get up to speed as quickly as I can. However, this lady proceeded to poke along at a blistering 40-mph. Did I ram her? I did not. Did I think about it? I did.

Hitting Your Brakes Constantly

Do some people drive with both feet? One on the gas pedal and one on the brake? Serious question. Because I’ve followed schmuckbags on freeways at 75-mph with their brake lights popping on and off like a goddamn emergency flasher. And I don’t know about you, but my first reaction when seeing brake lights is to hit my own brakes. That’s not good on a busy freeway, dude. Lay off your brakes.

People Who Don’t Take Ownership of the Intersection

Here’s the deal. You’re sitting at a light, ready to turn left. The light turns green but you can’t turn until oncoming traffic passes through. Please, in the name of all that is holy, pull up and take ownership of the intersection. That way, even if the light changes you can make your turn. Otherwise you could sit there through several lights, man! Think about the people behind you!

Note: I have no idea if this is even legal. I don’t care. Do it.

People Who Ride My Bumper

Another age-old problem. I’m sure people in old England looked back from their carriages and yelled zingers like, “Hey, back off ye olde mutton headed dolly-whomper!” Seriously, you can brake check a guy that’s all up on your ass but I prefer the old windshield wiper fluid method. Just hit that fluid and watch them have to use their wipers too. It pisses people off, especially those redneck hee-haws who hate to get anything on their giant trucks.*

*In reality I usually just slow down and pull over a little to let them pass. See how I’ve matured and whatnot? Good for me I guess.

People Who Change Speeds

You’ve seen these douchesticks, right? I saw several when I took my east coast trip last fall. Even though I have my cruise control set for 75, some jackass will inevitably fly by me, then slow down, then I pass him, then he passes me with a dirty look, then he slows down again, and this goes on ad nauseum, all while I’m continuing at a steady speed of 75 mph. Sweet baby Jesus.

So there you go, my Top 12 Driving Pet Peeves. Did I overlook something? If so hit me up in the comments. And drive safely kids!

PS- I just had a great idea. Scrolling signs for the back of vehicles. You could have pre-programmed messages on it to flash at people like, “Get off my ass you assturd!” or other witty jabs. You could even send a message to that cute guy or girl you just passed, something like, “Meet me at the Wawa Gas Station off exit 39?” You know, stuff like that. I think I’m on to something here.

 

So Robert Williams achieved his life-long dream of being drafted into the NBA a couple weeks ago. Dude is about to sign a contract with the Celtics that will take care of his family for generations. He’ll be playing against the likes of LeBron James, Steph Curry and James Harden. So how is he handling it?

First, he overslept and missed his introductory conference call. Then, he overslept and missed his flight to Boston for the start of Summer League practice.

Sigh. Robert, Robert, Robert. Glad you’re taking this seriously, young man. Somewhere, Larry Bird weeps.


 

 

Let me get this straight. Man and woman attempt a burglary. Man attempts escape out the back. Man fails. Man gets cornered and considers throwing delicious fruit snacks at the po-po. Man gets taken down and shirt ripped off. Man gets tazed. Man recovers and makes an unsuccessful run for it. Man is arrested. Meanwhile, woman attempts escape out the back. Woman is unsuccessful. Woman attempts daring escape through the ceiling. Woman falls through ceiling. Woman is arrested.

Nice job, burglars.

Yes kids, there are folks in 2018 who believe the world is flat, including NBA player Kyrie Irving, noted nutjob Tila Tequila, and some rapper named B.o.B. Anyhoo, the worldwide web has responded accordingly. Enjoy.

[click and scroll]

People, man.

So Russia is celebrating the start of the World Cup and everyone is all giddy and whatnot. As part of the festivities some Russian bros brought their bear along for the fun, and here he is playing a vuvuzela and giving the “up yours” forearm jerk sign to innocent passerby. On a related note, that bear is going to maul the living hell out of those dudes soon.

Note: Whilst researching the “up yours” sign, I found that it is indeed called the “forearm jerk” overseas. I also found out that there are about 20 innocent gestures we make here in the USA that have totally different meanings outside our country. Stay tuned for the upcoming riveting blog.

Note 2: When the mauling commences those assheads will totally deserve it.

A bison gored a woman in Yellowstone National Park on Wednesday, marking the third time in a week that park animals attacked humans, according to the Associated Press.

Officials said that the woman, 59-year-old Kim Hancock of Santa Rosa, California, was in a crowd of people that got within 15-feet of a bison while they were walking along a boardwalk, according to a National Park Service news release. Rangers advise staying at least 25-yards away from animals like bison and elk, the park said.

Ah, nothing like a good “goring of a moron” story to start the week, amirite? Hey, there’s an 1,800 pound animal with horns! Let’s get all up in its face and stuff! Good God. At least they didn’t put the animal down though, because Kim Hancock is the one who should be put down. Not sayin’ just sayin’.

PS- Third time in a week sounds like a really good average. Keep it up, bison.

Love this video. One minute this dude is showing off for the crowd, slapping the gator, stepping on its snout, acting all badass, the next minute the gator is head-butting him into oblivion. On a related note, I’m pretty sure that guy’s sunglasses landed in the next county over. Good stuff.

Disrespectful idiots on motorcycles and bicycles deserve what they get. Satisfying video.