Archive for the ‘Assclowns’ Category

Her kids saw it first: A woman, pants around ankles, defecating before the Budde family’s Colorado Springs home.

Then it happened again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Each week brings a fresh pile of excrement to the sidewalk in front of Cathy Budde’s home, she told local station KKTV — at least seven so far. Budde calls her “The Mad Pooper.” Police remain baffled. The family feels helpless to stop her.
“I came outside, and I was like, ‘Are you serious?'” Budde said of the time she caught the woman, a jogger, in the act. “‘Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids?’ She’s like, ‘Yeah, sorry!'”

Then the woman jogged away. She leaves only confusion, and also the paper towels that she wipes with.

Even in a world wrought with senseless violence, the Mad Pooper’s antics astonish. There’s a portable toilet at nearby John Venezia Community Park.  A gas station not far from that. So then why? Why the Budde family? And why now?

These questions haunt Colorado Springs residents, and the officers sworn to protect them. “For someone to repeatedly do such a thing, it’s uncharted territory for me,” Sgt. Johnathan Sharketti of the Colorado Springs Police Department told KKTV.

Listen, for me there’s almost nothing more disgusting than someone doing #2. Can’t deal with it, won’t deal with it. At basketball camps I’d walk up three floors of the dorm just find a private bathroom. And I’m still scarred from that time I was a freshman in high school and walked into the boys locker room to find Sammy Dickey sitting on the toileteating a peanut butter sandwich. That’s a sight that will be burned into my memory forever. Hell, I couldn’t eat peanut butter for 2-years. On a related note, I may or may not have broken up with a girl because she kept leaving the damn bathroom door open. Nothing, and I mean nothing, kills sexiness like seeing a woman taking a dump. So, if anyone deserves the death penalty it’s the Mad Pooper. Dead serious. Lethal inject that serial defecator, and do it immediately upon her capture.

PS- Ewwww.

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Back in my first stint as a high school coach we were playing a much larger school in a town 25-miles northwest of us. We were really good, they were really good, the place was packed, and it was a tight game throughout.

During the game I’d been up pacing back and forth as usual, and I was getting on the officials pretty good. That said, it wasn’t anything unusual. I’ve been way more emotional in other games.

Anyway, it was midway through the third quarter when something happened that I’d never experienced before and haven’t since. As I was walking from the end of our bench to midcourt, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around, expecting one of my players or managers to be standing there. Instead, what I saw was a policeman, albeit a very short one. Yep, he was just standing there looking right up in my face. Keep in mind the game was in progress and I hadn’t even received a technical foul. 

My first thought was “Why are you here?” My second thought was, “Get the hell out of here.” However, what I did was turn and walked away, at which point he grabbed my shoulder, and when I turned around he said this:

You need to settle down and take a seat.”

Incredulous, I looked around but there was no Athletic Director or school administrator in sight.  Hell, the game hadn’t even stopped so the referees were busy.

I was left to deal with the little dude myself.

I said, “You shouldn’t be out here. The officials are in charge of the game. I’m not breaking any laws. Go away.”

To which he wittily replied, “Sit down. Now.” I swear this happened, but sadly I have no audio. I do, however, have video, and what it shows is that little Barney Fyffe has his hand on his gun.

 

Had I noticed that little detail  I may not have said this:

“You have two choices. You can turn around and walk away or arrest me, because I’m not sitting down. This is a damn basketball game.”

Somehow, someway, and may I also say incredibly given his attitude, he stared at me for a second, then turned and walked out of the gym. And although I half-expected to see him out of the corner of my eye busting back through the door with an Uzi, he stayed there.

Good times.

Note: Incredibly, when I was AD it happened again, this time to an opposing coach at my school. I swear I felt like I was having flashbacks. This time I was there to go explain to the cop that he was out of line and escorted him off the floor. Amazing.

Get it together Australia.

Remember that Cool Animal of the Day I posted a couple days ago? The little darling that resided in fish’s mouths after eating their tongues? The Cymothoa Exigua? Apparently not everybody appreciated it:

Commenter: “Hey dumbass! Way to ruin my breakfast. I wanted to start my day with a smile so I checked out your site this morning and that disgusting thing popped up looking at me. I just about lost my breakfast. Why? Do NOT do that again and I’m not kidding.”

Me:

Cereal Leaf Beetle

Me:

(Source) — A former Los Altos High School student and baseball player is suing the school district and his former coach for hundreds of thousands of dollars because the coach repeatedly benched him. According to the suit, the school’s head varsity baseball coach, Gabriel Lopez, repeatedly refused to let 17-year-old Robbie Lopez, no relation, play throughout his senior year. The suit claims this constituted a pattern of “harassment and bullying.” The teenager and his parents are seeking $150,000 or more, according to the suit.

Sigh. And so it continues. If this is bullying, do you know how many of my former players could sue me? I’ll give you the answer – hundreds. Good God, man. Newsflash, Robbie Lopez – it’s your coach’s job to bench you if you’re not playing well. Hell, using this logic every kid on the bench could sue his coach. That’s just dumb, man.

PS- In the future every coach will be required to play every player an exact even number of minutes. Then nobody will get their feelings hurt. Awesome.

Let’s begin with what may be the single greatest video on the internet right now. My comments follow . . .

First off, let’s get one thing out of the way. You can’t get much whiter than that dude, so he has to be happy about that. Secondly, you can’t be a white supremacist and wear your pants that low. You just can’t. That’s just copying the very folks you’re supposed to be supreme over. That’s lame, man. Bet he listens to Drake and Li’ Wayne too. Anyway, s-u-r-e it’s easy being a racist. You know, until you become separated from your fellow bigots and you’re being chased by some black guy with a stick. Then it gets real real fast, man. I mean, the little Eminem wannabe here couldn’t get that “uniform” off fast enough. But seriously, I had no idea the uniform of the white supremacists was a white polo and khakis. Not kidding, that’s the uniform. Isn’t that sort of lame? They look like the nerd that shows up to work on my laptop or something.

Anyway, bad look for the white supremacists, man. Guess their admission requirements are a little low?

PS- Can’t wait for the hate messages I’m sure to get from the Nazis. The over-under on grammar mistakes per message is 23.

Pure comedy.

 

Namibian media say an elephant trampled and killed an Argentine who was in a group of hunters tracking a herd of elephants. The Namibia Press Agency said the hunter, identified as 46-year-old Jose Monzalvez, was killed on Saturday afternoon in a private wildlife area 43-miles northwest of the small town of Kalkfeld. The agency said Monzalvez, who worked for an oil company, was with another Argentine and three Namibians when he was killed. It says one of the elephants charged before the group was able to find a spot to aim and shoot.

No fair! No fair! The elephant didn’t give Jose Monzalvez time to find a spot to shoot! What kind of hunting rules are these Namibian elephants playing by, anyway? That’s bogus, man. Everyone knows the animal is supposed to just stand there while the hunter takes his time to murder it, man. Play by the rules, animals!

PS- This seems to be happening more and more. Animals, man. They’re fighting back. Next we’ll hear about a squirrel hunter getting a vein ripped out of his neck and bleeding out under a walnut tree.

PPS- Can’t wait.

 

So some dude in Thailand apparently dangled a bowl of rice over a bear, teasing him by pulling it up and out of reach just as the bear reached for it. At some point Mr. Bear got fed up, grabbed the guy’s wrist, pulled him on down and went to town on him, just nibbling on him like a chew toy. You know, except with blood and stuff. I really hate to see people get hurt except when they’re messing with animals, then I’m highly amused by it. It’s really just a  form of natural selection, amirite? Weeding out the weak and whatnot? Enjoy.

PS- Unfortunately the guy is only in critical condition and not dead.

So noted murderer Ray Lewis (allegedly) has stepped up to give his valuable life advice to Colin Kaepernick, the player who exercised his right as an American to not stand up during the National Anthem last football season and hence cannot find another job in the NFL. It seems that Ray-Ray took it upon himself to perform a video selfie directed at Kaepernick, and I must say it is gold, Jerry. GOLD! Here’s a link to the video if you’d like to watch it. However, if you’d rather not I’ll break it down for you . . .

0:00 – 0:11: “How crazy is I’m just leaving set at Fox and I’m getting all these texts and stuff about all this Colin Kaepernick stuff and all this stuff?”

As usual, Ray begins with questionable grammar, leaving out important prepositions like “at” and repeating simple terms such as “stuff.” Oh, and of course we can hear the ass-kisser in the car laughing hysterically at everything he’s saying.

0:11: “Let me explain something to you. I’m gonna keep it real simple with this.” 

This is right out of Ray’s playbook, treating his listeners like dummies, because in order to explain it so we can understand it he has to keep it simple. Wouldn’t want Ray-Ray talking over our heads, now would we?

0:30: “Kap, I pray for you more than you can ever imagine. Your name is in my Bible!”

Wait. What? I’ve read the Bible a few times, once for a class in college, and not once do I recall seeing the words, “Colin Kaepernick.” Then again, Ray is on such good terms with God (he/she allegedly got him out of a murder after all), that perhaps he/she let Ray make some modifications.

0:35: “My brother, everyone else can speak for you but until you speak for yourself and demand what you want to do with your life, it’s totally on you. It’s crazy that you always see people trying to respond.

Uh, OK? He lost me with that last part. And the only crazy person responding is Ray Lewis.

1:00: “I’ve made mistakes in my life. But I promise you if you look at my track record, I’ve never made the same mistake twice.”

Ah, now it’s all about Ray because we knew it would be. And the families of Reginald Oakley and Joseph Sweeting might disagree with the whole “never made the same mistake twice” thing.

1:15: “I’m in the streets everyday. EVERYDAY. So while people talking ‘What’s with this?’ and ‘Why Ray say this?’ and ‘Why Ray say that?’ Ray ain’t saying nothing!”

Boom! Ray is now talking in the third person, another personal trademark. And what does he mean about being in the streets? Maybe he means his driveway, like this one in front of one of his houses:

However, I do agree with him when he says he isn’t saying anything.

1:30: “And that’s why I take each and every one of these kids. And that’s why I take them away from their environments and give them something else to see in life. And that’s why I played the way I played.”

Do the police know Ray Lewis has gone from killing people (allegedly) to stealing children? And what does all this have to do with the way he played?

1:50 – “What you do off the field, don’t let too many people know.”

Finally, Ray Lewis gives out some useful information based on his own personal experience and history. Good Lord.

Seriously, Ray Lewis has to be the most unself-aware human being on planet Earth. Dude lied his way out of a double-murder (allegedly), got a jury to believe he lost the blood-splattered suit he was wearing the night those two men were stabbed to death, has 6-kids by 4-women and still claims to be a Man of God and the counselor to all the poor souls who need his advice.

I can’t believe Fox Sports still employs this clown.

Note: If you need a refresher on the whole Ray Lewis murder thing, here ya go:

If you watch at the beginning you can see the cyclist cutting across traffic like an idiot. On a related note, always wear a helmet, kids.

I wrote the blog below a few short days ago. Sadly, Anthony “Mooch” Scaramucci has been canned after 11-days on the job. Damn, this is a bummer for the blogging community. Mooch held so much promise, so many possibilities of blogs to come. Alas, he has been shit-canned. Rest in peace, Mooch. Rest in peace. On a related note, great to see the Trump administration is rolling along smoothly. Good Lord.

Wow. Just when I thought the Trump White House couldn’t get any wilder they get rid of Sean Spicer, who was an endless source of entertainment, and bring in Anthony Scaramucci, who is an absolute maniac. I mean, listening to this cat is like sitting by a longshoreman in Barnacle Billy’s on the Maine shoreline. This dude is outrageous, just speaking for the President of the United State’s like he don’t give a damn ’bout nuthin’. Check this out, from an interview with The New Yorker:

On White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus:

Reince Priebus — if you want to leak something — he’ll be asked to resign very shortly. Reince is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, a paranoiac.”

Then, imitating Priebus:

Oh, Bill Shine is coming in. Let me leak the fucking thing and see if I can cock-block these people the way I cock-blocked Scaramucci for six months.”

UPDATE: Trump just fired Priebus  The circus continues

On White House chief adviser Steve Bannon:

“I’m not Steve Bannon, I’m not trying to suck my own cock. I’m not trying to build my own brand off the fucking strength of the president. I’m here to serve the country.”

On talking about leaks (to a woman he knows is British:

If you’re an American citizen, they are a major catastrophe for the country. So I’m asking you as an American patriot to give me a sense of who leaked it. I’m going to fire every one of them, and then you haven’t protected anybody, so the entire place will be fired over the next two weeks. I fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people I’ll fire tomorrow. I’ll get to the person who leaked that to you.”

On killing leakers:

What I want to do is I want to fucking kill all the leakers and I want to get the President’s agenda on track so we can succeed for the American people.”

Man, even for Trump’s administration that’s strong stuff. It’s hard to fathom this guy is the actual White House Spokesman. Of course, you know the Trumpians will gobble it up. “He’s speaking like us! He’s a regular guy!” He doesn’t talk like a politician!” Well, they got that last one right. Yeesh.

I didn’t think I could be surprised anymore, but damn if The Donald didn’t do it.

PS – That guy who lives in the trailer on Upper Twin Road with “TRUMP” up in Christmas lights beside his Confederate Flag is gonna love Anthony Scaramucci , man.

Remember a couple days ago when I posted a photo of that doofus who stuck his bare feet between the seats in front of him on the plane? Remember when I said he was awful and a terrible person to sit by while traveling? Turns out the woman in front of that guy was lucky. Yep. Coulda been worse. She could have been this lady . . .

Runnerup goes to this dude. Jeebus.

I picture him exactly like this.

So awhile back I posted about a tasty new Doritos offering being banned in the USA and Britain for being too spicy. The blog was entitled “And the Wussification Continues: Spicy Doritos Banned In USA, Now Britain”. I beseech you to click on that link before proceeding.

Anyhoo, I received an interesting response from a British bro, and he wasn’t happy. Oh, I get nasty comments from time-to-time so it wasn’t that big of a deal, but I found this one to be particularly humorous. Without further ado, here’s the response, from some dude named JimsEvilTwin:

Absolutely agree with you, the more Americans that choke the better. My dad’s friend owned a 15th century country pub and an American visitor ordered some lunch, including a beef sandwich. He proceeded to put a thick coat of English mustard on it and was warned “careful that is English mustard, you won’t be able to eat it like that”, to which the American replied boastfully “Hey I’m used to American mustard”, he then took a bite from his sandwich and almost choked to death (he received medical attention). It was pretty hilarious. English Mustard is several times stronger than the American crap but Yank egos are too bloated to understand such things. ‘American’ means best, hottest, biggest everything to them, in reality it generally means poor quality, mass produced rubbish!

Wow. Hot take from my British follower there. Hell, he wants us all to choke. That’s just rude. Seriously, man, this dude has to take a deep breath and take a step back. So an American thought he could handle your hot mustard and he couldn’t. Big deal. He is but one American. Why the hatred toward all of us? Still a little touchy because my man George Washington and his boys kicked your ass back in the day? And doth you forget the whole little misunderstanding with Hitler and the Nazis, they from which we saved your asses? Methinks my mate needs to chillax. Perhaps he is simply knackered from eating Fish & Chips all day. At any rate, I am gobsmacked by his response.*

Don’t make us come over there and kick your ass again, Rupert or Clive or whatever the hell your real name is. Have a bloody good evening!

*The British slang terms website is a fun site to visit.

 

So you take your seat on your flight, and to your delight you find that nobody will be sitting in the seats beside you. Glorious! Jackpot! Woot! You may even stretch out sideways and take a nap, amirite? The joyous possibilities are endless. Hells to the yah! After all, there’s nothing worse than being crammed into your seat beside some obnoxious, loud or possibly portly passenger, is there? Well, it turns out that yes, there is . . .

I swear to God, I have some friends with a genuine fear of feet that would recoil in horror at this sight. Me? I’d probably just ask them to put their feet where they belong, and if they didn’t I’d start breaking toes. Anyhoo, that’s nasty.

So here’s some delightful video of a lady kneeling down in front of some art out in L.A., only to succeed in falling backwards and creating an artistic domino effect of sorts. On a related note, only professional bloggers such as I are capable of writing that last sentence. Anyhoo, here’s the assclown in action.

There are things you have to worry about in 2017 that you didn’t have to worry about 30-years ago, ya know? And I’m not talking about stuff like terrorists and mass murderers either. By the way, guys like Charles Manson and Ted Bundy were out and about when I was a youngblood, so those types of dudes aren’t new at all.

Anyway, you know what one of my biggest fears is? Being hit by some idiot who’s texting while driving. I swear to God, every time I have to stop to make a turn I look in my rearview mirror, dreading the moment some idiot bears down on me at 70 mph with their head buried in their damn phone.

It almost happened the other day as I was stopped, waiting for oncoming traffic to go by before I turned into my parent’s driveway. Fortunately I looked in my rearview, saw the nitwit approaching way too fast, and pulled quickly off to the right as the guy hit his brakes and screeched by me sideways down the road. True story man.

Honestly, how many people do you see every day stopped at a light or even driving down the highway, head down as they look at their phone? I know I see several a day easily.

I have a GPS app on my phone that won’t let me type if the car is moving. Why can’t all phones have this built in? Something must be done, people!

PS- I was driving back from Michigan a few weeks ago and passed a woman on the freeway who was watching a movie. Damn iPad was propped right there on her steering wheel. Pure insanity. 

Everyone knows how I feel about this stuff. Anyone who teases, tortures or otherwise treats animals disrespectfully deserves to be hurt. In this case, the American tourist who gets drilled survived, which is a shame because I was hoping he was dead. On a related note, I read where although this guy was gored in the abdomen he’s vowed to go back to the Running of the Bulls. Awesome. The bulls are getting a second chance. Hopefully next time they’ll finish him off.

A 38-year-old Jacksonville man accidentally shot himself in the penis when he sat down on his gun, a Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office report said. 

According to the sheriff’s report, Chilly Mangi’s girlfriend told police he was sitting outside his Freedom Crossing Trail apartment in a car before he ran inside in a panic.

His girlfriend approached him in the bathroom and saw that he had a gunshot wound. He said he accidentally set the firearm off when he sat on it in the driver’s seat.

She drove him to Memorial Hospital, where JSO impounded the vehicle for evidence. JSO did not say what type of gun was involved but did say the injury required immediate surgery.

Man, and you thought you were having a tough day, huh? Maybe you woke up with a headache, the wife is upset about that extra couple beers you had last night with the boys, things are a little tense around the house and whatnot? Well, this should make you feel better. You didn’t shoot yourself in the penis. Thank you and goodnight.

PS- Chilly Mangi would be the coolest name ever if you didn’t know he, you know, shot himself in the penis. 

Fresno, CA- When 22-year old Sidney Rollins called in to brag to KRDU Radio in Fresno about his awesome “Get Out of  Argument Free” card/birthday present from his wife, he was shocked to be mocked and derided on both radio and the internet. “I thought it was about the coolest gift She could give me. I’m not sure what people are thinking. Just cynical I guess.” 

Sidney, Sidney, Sidney. Oh, my young, naive, impressionable, wife-whipped little man. Do you really believe you’re going to be in the middle of a fight, whip out that card, and suddenly your wife smiles, takes it, and says, “OK honey. Fight over”? B-W-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A!!! Sidney, here’s what will happen. You’ll come home one night after being out 20-minutes too late, or maybe you’ll forget to take out the trash, and she’ll start in on you. You’ll quickly bust out the card, holding it up like a cross  in front of a vampire. Then except instead of shrieking and backing away, she’ll rip it from your hands, tear it to shreds and increase her anger level x 10. Then she’ll back you into the wall and rip your throat out.

Don’t use that card Sidney. Don’t ever use that card.

PS- How perfect is it that this guy’s name is Sidney? Pure comedy.

PPS- Did you catch the qualifier there? Especially if it’s a “stupid argument”? And that will ultimately be her call. This will end poorly, man.

Dreaming of kumquats.

NEW BRAUNFELS, TX (WCMH) – A Texas man with a history of sex acts involving vegetables was sentenced to life in prison Wednesday.

San Antonio Express-News reports Charles Ransier was sentenced to life in prison on charges of drug possession and tampering with evidence.

Ransier was charged after a Texas state trooper found him sitting in a pickup truck with meth-filled syringes, male enhancement pills, children’s clothing, rope, Barbie dolls, balloons, and a cooler of frozen cucumbers, the paper reported.

He was only wearing a pair of jeans and had melted candle wax on his chest, the Austin American-Statesman reported.

It was not Ransier’s first arrest involving a vegetable. In 2014, Ransier was arrested near a baseball field while “engaging in a deviant sex act” with a vegetable while wearing women’s stockings. And in 2012, he was found naked alongside a road committing a sex act “involving a squash.”

Listen, they may be going a little tough on Charles Ransier here. I mean, who hasn’t been caught sitting in a pickup truck with meth-filled syringes, male enhancement pills, children’s clothing, rope, Barbie dolls, balloons, and a cooler of frozen cucumbers while wearing only a pair of jeans and candle wax on their chest? That’s a normal Tuesday afternoon for most Texans, amirite? And hey, engaging in a deviant sex act with a vegetable while wearing women’s stockings or being found naked alongside a road while committing a sex act involving a squash? Nobody hurt here. Well, maybe the squash but still.

Seriously though, Charles Ransier? Batshit crazy, man.

This is gold, Jerry. GOLD. But here’s what I don’t get about Donnie. He won. He’s the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Why in God’s name would he sit in the White House tweeting to morning talk show hosts about the time he turned them down at a New Year’s Eve party?  How in the world can he be that thin-skinned and petty? Just blows my mind. On the other hand, damn it’s entertaining. Keep being you, President Trump. Keep being you.

Otto Warmbier.

NYP – Otto Warmbier, the University of Virginia student who was detained in North Korea for nearly a year and a half for stealing a propaganda poster, died Monday afternoon, days after he returned home in a coma, his parents announced.

Warmbier, 22, had been medically evacuated last week and was being treated at the University of Cincinnati Medical Center. His parents, Fred and Cindy Warmbier, did not specify the cause of death.

But they made clear in a written statement that they blamed North Korea for what happened. Their son was arrested in January 2016 at the end of a brief tourist visit to the isolated country.

Listen, I have to be honest here. First off, I hate to see anybody die so understand that. Still, it’s a little hard for me to agree with all these people calling for us to bomb North Korea for this horrendous act. Here’s my thinking. First off, if you want to visit a country with an unbalanced, clearly insane dictator like Kim Jong-un that’s your right. But you can’t expect to be treated like you’re treated in countries with stable leadership and democratic governments. I sort of relate this to those people who go hiking in India, accidentally wander into Pakistan, get arrested, and then start whining about human rights. What the hell did you expect, man? And when you go to North Korea and are dumb enough to steal a propaganda poster and get caught, well, I have trouble feeling sorry for you. Good God. Again, I feel badly for the guy’s family but he didn’t make the wisest move here. If you want to go overseas on vacation and make it home alive go to Switzerland or the Caribbean. Rant over.

PS- I’m not saying somebody shouldn’t take out Kim-Jong-un either, because that dude’s batshit crazy. 

I need to see more of this type of thing.