Archive for the ‘Assclowns’ Category

Remember a couple days ago when I posted a photo of that doofus who stuck his bare feet between the seats in front of him on the plane? Remember when I said he was awful and a terrible person to sit by while traveling? Turns out the woman in front of that guy was lucky. Yep. Coulda been worse. She could have been this lady . . .

Runnerup goes to this dude. Jeebus.

I picture him exactly like this.

So awhile back I posted about a tasty new Doritos offering being banned in the USA and Britain for being too spicy. The blog was entitled “And the Wussification Continues: Spicy Doritos Banned In USA, Now Britain”. I beseech you to click on that link before proceeding.

Anyhoo, I received an interesting response from a British bro, and he wasn’t happy. Oh, I get nasty comments from time-to-time so it wasn’t that big of a deal, but I found this one to be particularly humorous. Without further ado, here’s the response, from some dude named JimsEvilTwin:

Absolutely agree with you, the more Americans that choke the better. My dad’s friend owned a 15th century country pub and an American visitor ordered some lunch, including a beef sandwich. He proceeded to put a thick coat of English mustard on it and was warned “careful that is English mustard, you won’t be able to eat it like that”, to which the American replied boastfully “Hey I’m used to American mustard”, he then took a bite from his sandwich and almost choked to death (he received medical attention). It was pretty hilarious. English Mustard is several times stronger than the American crap but Yank egos are too bloated to understand such things. ‘American’ means best, hottest, biggest everything to them, in reality it generally means poor quality, mass produced rubbish!

Wow. Hot take from my British follower there. Hell, he wants us all to choke. That’s just rude. Seriously, man, this dude has to take a deep breath and take a step back. So an American thought he could handle your hot mustard and he couldn’t. Big deal. He is but one American. Why the hatred toward all of us? Still a little touchy because my man George Washington and his boys kicked your ass back in the day? And doth you forget the whole little misunderstanding with Hitler and the Nazis, they from which we saved your asses? Methinks my mate needs to chillax. Perhaps he is simply knackered from eating Fish & Chips all day. At any rate, I am gobsmacked by his response.*

Don’t make us come over there and kick your ass again, Rupert or Clive or whatever the hell your real name is. Have a bloody good evening!

*The British slang terms website is a fun site to visit.

 

So you take your seat on your flight, and to your delight you find that nobody will be sitting in the seats beside you. Glorious! Jackpot! Woot! You may even stretch out sideways and take a nap, amirite? The joyous possibilities are endless. Hells to the yah! After all, there’s nothing worse than being crammed into your seat beside some obnoxious, loud or possibly portly passenger, is there? Well, it turns out that yes, there is . . .

I swear to God, I have some friends with a genuine fear of feet that would recoil in horror at this sight. Me? I’d probably just ask them to put their feet where they belong, and if they didn’t I’d start breaking toes. Anyhoo, that’s nasty.

So here’s some delightful video of a lady kneeling down in front of some art out in L.A., only to succeed in falling backwards and creating an artistic domino effect of sorts. On a related note, only professional bloggers such as I are capable of writing that last sentence. Anyhoo, here’s the assclown in action.

There are things you have to worry about in 2017 that you didn’t have to worry about 30-years ago, ya know? And I’m not talking about stuff like terrorists and mass murderers either. By the way, guys like Charles Manson and Ted Bundy were out and about when I was a youngblood, so those types of dudes aren’t new at all.

Anyway, you know what one of my biggest fears is? Being hit by some idiot who’s texting while driving. I swear to God, every time I have to stop to make a turn I look in my rearview mirror, dreading the moment some idiot bears down on me at 70 mph with their head buried in their damn phone.

It almost happened the other day as I was stopped, waiting for oncoming traffic to go by before I turned into my parent’s driveway. Fortunately I looked in my rearview, saw the nitwit approaching way too fast, and pulled quickly off to the right as the guy hit his brakes and screeched by me sideways down the road. True story man.

Honestly, how many people do you see every day stopped at a light or even driving down the highway, head down as they look at their phone? I know I see several a day easily.

I have a GPS app on my phone that won’t let me type if the car is moving. Why can’t all phones have this built in? Something must be done, people!

PS- I was driving back from Michigan a few weeks ago and passed a woman on the freeway who was watching a movie. Damn iPad was propped right there on her steering wheel. Pure insanity. 

Everyone knows how I feel about this stuff. Anyone who teases, tortures or otherwise treats animals disrespectfully deserves to be hurt. In this case, the American tourist who gets drilled survived, which is a shame because I was hoping he was dead. On a related note, I read where although this guy was gored in the abdomen he’s vowed to go back to the Running of the Bulls. Awesome. The bulls are getting a second chance. Hopefully next time they’ll finish him off.

A 38-year-old Jacksonville man accidentally shot himself in the penis when he sat down on his gun, a Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office report said. 

According to the sheriff’s report, Chilly Mangi’s girlfriend told police he was sitting outside his Freedom Crossing Trail apartment in a car before he ran inside in a panic.

His girlfriend approached him in the bathroom and saw that he had a gunshot wound. He said he accidentally set the firearm off when he sat on it in the driver’s seat.

She drove him to Memorial Hospital, where JSO impounded the vehicle for evidence. JSO did not say what type of gun was involved but did say the injury required immediate surgery.

Man, and you thought you were having a tough day, huh? Maybe you woke up with a headache, the wife is upset about that extra couple beers you had last night with the boys, things are a little tense around the house and whatnot? Well, this should make you feel better. You didn’t shoot yourself in the penis. Thank you and goodnight.

PS- Chilly Mangi would be the coolest name ever if you didn’t know he, you know, shot himself in the penis. 

Fresno, CA- When 22-year old Sidney Rollins called in to brag to KRDU Radio in Fresno about his awesome “Get Out of  Argument Free” card/birthday present from his wife, he was shocked to be mocked and derided on both radio and the internet. “I thought it was about the coolest gift She could give me. I’m not sure what people are thinking. Just cynical I guess.” 

Sidney, Sidney, Sidney. Oh, my young, naive, impressionable, wife-whipped little man. Do you really believe you’re going to be in the middle of a fight, whip out that card, and suddenly your wife smiles, takes it, and says, “OK honey. Fight over”? B-W-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A!!! Sidney, here’s what will happen. You’ll come home one night after being out 20-minutes too late, or maybe you’ll forget to take out the trash, and she’ll start in on you. You’ll quickly bust out the card, holding it up like a cross  in front of a vampire. Then except instead of shrieking and backing away, she’ll rip it from your hands, tear it to shreds and increase her anger level x 10. Then she’ll back you into the wall and rip your throat out.

Don’t use that card Sidney. Don’t ever use that card.

PS- How perfect is it that this guy’s name is Sidney? Pure comedy.

PPS- Did you catch the qualifier there? Especially if it’s a “stupid argument”? And that will ultimately be her call. This will end poorly, man.

Dreaming of kumquats.

NEW BRAUNFELS, TX (WCMH) – A Texas man with a history of sex acts involving vegetables was sentenced to life in prison Wednesday.

San Antonio Express-News reports Charles Ransier was sentenced to life in prison on charges of drug possession and tampering with evidence.

Ransier was charged after a Texas state trooper found him sitting in a pickup truck with meth-filled syringes, male enhancement pills, children’s clothing, rope, Barbie dolls, balloons, and a cooler of frozen cucumbers, the paper reported.

He was only wearing a pair of jeans and had melted candle wax on his chest, the Austin American-Statesman reported.

It was not Ransier’s first arrest involving a vegetable. In 2014, Ransier was arrested near a baseball field while “engaging in a deviant sex act” with a vegetable while wearing women’s stockings. And in 2012, he was found naked alongside a road committing a sex act “involving a squash.”

Listen, they may be going a little tough on Charles Ransier here. I mean, who hasn’t been caught sitting in a pickup truck with meth-filled syringes, male enhancement pills, children’s clothing, rope, Barbie dolls, balloons, and a cooler of frozen cucumbers while wearing only a pair of jeans and candle wax on their chest? That’s a normal Tuesday afternoon for most Texans, amirite? And hey, engaging in a deviant sex act with a vegetable while wearing women’s stockings or being found naked alongside a road while committing a sex act involving a squash? Nobody hurt here. Well, maybe the squash but still.

Seriously though, Charles Ransier? Batshit crazy, man.

This is gold, Jerry. GOLD. But here’s what I don’t get about Donnie. He won. He’s the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Why in God’s name would he sit in the White House tweeting to morning talk show hosts about the time he turned them down at a New Year’s Eve party?  How in the world can he be that thin-skinned and petty? Just blows my mind. On the other hand, damn it’s entertaining. Keep being you, President Trump. Keep being you.

Otto Warmbier.

NYP – Otto Warmbier, the University of Virginia student who was detained in North Korea for nearly a year and a half for stealing a propaganda poster, died Monday afternoon, days after he returned home in a coma, his parents announced.

Warmbier, 22, had been medically evacuated last week and was being treated at the University of Cincinnati Medical Center. His parents, Fred and Cindy Warmbier, did not specify the cause of death.

But they made clear in a written statement that they blamed North Korea for what happened. Their son was arrested in January 2016 at the end of a brief tourist visit to the isolated country.

Listen, I have to be honest here. First off, I hate to see anybody die so understand that. Still, it’s a little hard for me to agree with all these people calling for us to bomb North Korea for this horrendous act. Here’s my thinking. First off, if you want to visit a country with an unbalanced, clearly insane dictator like Kim Jong-un that’s your right. But you can’t expect to be treated like you’re treated in countries with stable leadership and democratic governments. I sort of relate this to those people who go hiking in India, accidentally wander into Pakistan, get arrested, and then start whining about human rights. What the hell did you expect, man? And when you go to North Korea and are dumb enough to steal a propaganda poster and get caught, well, I have trouble feeling sorry for you. Good God. Again, I feel badly for the guy’s family but he didn’t make the wisest move here. If you want to go overseas on vacation and make it home alive go to Switzerland or the Caribbean. Rant over.

PS- I’m not saying somebody shouldn’t take out Kim-Jong-un either, because that dude’s batshit crazy. 

I need to see more of this type of thing.

Idiots

Posted: June 9, 2017 in Assclowns, Fails, Humor, Karma
Tags:

Here are some photos to make you feel smarter. Click on the photo to enlarge.

Sigh . . .

From Tech Insider – From a lodge sculpted from ice to one made from metal sheets, there are an infinite number offbeat hotels that re-think the traditional B&B.

One open-air hotel, called Null Stern, eliminates walls and a roof altogether. Located in the middle of the Swiss Alps, it only features a bed with linens.

The “hotel” costs about $210 per night.

“The star is not the hotel but each guest,” the hotel’s co-founder, Daniel Charbonnier, tells Tech Insider. “We got rid of all the walls, and the only thing left is you and your experience.”

$210? Hey, I have an idea. How about I throw a sleeping bag on that hill back there and pay zero dollars? Listen, you morons, you’re defeating the whole purpose of sleeping in a hotel if you’re, you know, outside. And you’re also defeating the purpose of sleeping outside if you’re, you know, in a bed. On a related note, I hope a bear sneaks up on the next people who stay in this “hotel” and eats them alive. Good God.

Because we can.

Can’t touch this.

So the folks over at NASA shot out this tweet yesterday and it got my attention:

“We’ve renamed our first mission to touch the sun as the Parker Solar Probe in honor of astrophysicist Eugene Parker.”

Wait? Touch the sun? Hey, I’m no scientist but I’m 77% sure you can’t touch the sun. Pretty sure it’s too hot. After all, it’s like 800° or something, right? Anywho, later on came a slight clarification:

“In 2018, NASA will send a craft called the Parker Solar Probe on a journey which will come within 4-million miles of the searing surface of the sun, facing heat and radiation more intense than any spacecraft has endured before.”

4-million miles? Getting 4-million miles from the sun is touching?

Badasses.

Hell, by that logic I’ve been touching Kate Beckinsale for years now. Honestly, this is another case of NASA blowing things out of proportion in order to justify their existence. Listen, I have nothing against NASA but since the original Mercury 7 astronauts things have been going downhill. Even Neil Armstrong couldn’t match up with those guys. Those cats were the Space Cowboys, man.

Touching the sun. Seriously NASA, let us know when you contact some aliens. Otherwise nobody cares.

PS – I know the sun is hotter than 800°. I was kidding. It’s actually 27,000,000°. Some people can’t seem to get my humor at times. Life’s tough for a world famous blogger, man.

PPS – I had a killer Uranus joke to put in there but I just couldn’t pull the trigger.

Fox NewsNorth Korean leader Kim Jong Un warned Tuesday of sending a bigger “gift package” to the United States after laughing and cheering as North Korea successfully launched its third missile test in recent weeks.

North Korea’s official KCNA news agency quoted the rogue leader, saying that Pyongyang would continue to develop its missile program in preparation for a possible attack, Reuters reported.

“He expressed the conviction that it would make a greater leap forward in this spirit to send a bigger ‘gift package’ to the Yankees,” KCNA added.

Kim Jong Un, man. Does the dude even know who our president is? Trump will drop a nuke on that dude so quickly it’ll make his head spin, except he won’t have one at that point. Who does he think he’s dealing with, JFK? Bro doesn’t know what compromise means. Believe me, once Trump quits focusing on “fake news”, his Twitter account and Hillary, he’s going to turn around, take notice of this little twit, and lay down the American hammer. Kim Jong Un, man. Better back off, little man.

And he’s paid to do this for a living.

Karma, man. Gotta love it.

Shoplifter Meets Miss Karma

Damn kid deserved it.

Satisfying to watch.

Oops.

Love it.

Karma makes me as happy as George W dancing.

The Donald. Dude can’t get out of his own way. Just flat tells his Israeli audience he “Just got back from the Middle East.” I swear he doesn’t know Israel is in the Middle East. Geography 101, kids. And check out the Israeli ambassador. Bro looks like Hillary on election night, just flabbergasted like you read about. Trump, man. He keeps blogs like mine alive. God bless him.

On a related note, I never thought I’d miss this guy so much:

Theunis Botha, a well-known 51-year-old big game hunter from Johannesburg, South Africa, just had his last hunt. The man was leading a group of hunters in Gwai, Zimbabwe, when they saw a herd of breeding elephants. Sensing the danger, three of the animals stormed the hunters and Botha shot at them. What the man didn’t see was a fourth elephant coming after him from the side. The animal lifted Botha with her trunk, so one of the other hunters shot her, causing the elephant to collapse. As she fell dead, the elephant dropped right on Botha, crushing the hunter to death.

According to Game Hounds Safaris, Botha’s company website, the man pioneered European-style ‘Monteria hunts’ in the region. These kind of hunts use large packs of dogs to drive deer and boar towards them before opening fire on the animals. He was also known for hunting lions and leopards.

Awesome. Just spectacular. I love it when the animals win, man. I know, the elephant died in this case but at least she took this asshole out with her. I mean, what kind of a hunter has dogs that drive the animals towards them? Where’s the sport in that? I’ll tell you where – Hell. The same place Theunis Botha resides right now. I hope he’s down there getting crushed by an elephant over and over and over again.

Note: As a special related bonus, I give you this. And spare me the comments about me enjoying watching people die. Idiots who hurt animals deserve it. Enjoy:

 

Washington Post: Commerce secretary Wilbur Ross offered two highlights from his trip to Saudi Arabia in an interview with CNBC on Monday morning. First, he enjoyed the two bushels of dates he was given by Saudi Arabian security guards and, second, he was pleased that he saw no protester with “a bad placard.”

Perhaps because an American-style protest is illegal in that country and can result in a death sentence.

Ross was using the lack of protesters as an example of how warmly the Trump administration was received in the country.

Hey, how great is Saudi Arabia, huh? No protesters at all! Sure, you can be beheaded if you do but still! No negativity at all, everything was puppies and unicorns. This damn freedom of speech bullshit we practice here in the United States leads to nothing but unnecessary hostility. Maybe President Trump will come back with some great ideas. Wait. Uh-oh . . .

BOSTWICK, Fla. –Authorities say a Florida man leaned in to kiss a rattlesnake – but got bitten instead. 

Ron Reinold was flown to the hospital by helicopter in critical condition after he was bit by the rattlesnake on Tuesday, CBS affiliate WJAX reports.  

Charles Goff told WJAX he found the rattlesnake on Monday night. He said he knows how to handle snakes and put it in a tank, but he said his neighbors were playing with the snake when Reinold was bit. 

“The next morning before I got up, they were playing with the snake,” Goff told WJAX. “One guy said, ‘I’m going to kiss it on the mouth,’ and the snake bit him in the face.”

“Ron was just acting silly, you know?” he said. “I guess he said he could kiss the devil and get away with it, but evidently he didn’t.”

I read that this dude survived, unfortunately. This would have been a perfect example of natural selection, ya know? Social Darwinism and all that. Idiots like this guy need to die so future races will be smarter. Can’t let morons like Ron Reinold live to reproduce, man. That’s just a bad deal all-around for everyone.

On a related note, Florida, man.

So apparently Steve Harvey is leaving his show in Chicago and is beginning a new one in Los Angeles, but I don’t really care about that. I’ve never watched him on anything anyway, other than a couple Family Feud highlight videos and the time he announced the wrong Miss Universe. That was fun. Anyway, a bunch of his staffers in Chicago are all talking about what a dick he is, and one of them released the following email he sent to them prior to his show beginning this season.

And oh boy, it’s a classic.

I’ll post the email word-for-word in italics, in all it’s glory. My observations are interspersed. Let us proceed . . .

Good morning, everyone. Welcome back. I’d like you all to review and adhere to the following notes and rules for Season 5 of my talk show.

There will be no meetings in my dressing room. No stopping by or popping in. NO ONE.

Well, that seems reasonable. Who wants to have a meeting in their dressing room? And nobody hates pop-ins more than me. What’s so bad about this, anyway?

Do not come to my dressing room unless invited.

Again, makes sense to me. Steve Harvey seems normal enough.

Do not open my dressing room door. IF YOU OPEN MY DOOR, EXPECT TO BE REMOVED.

Well hell, that’s a little harsh. Removed? Sounds a little impersonal really.

My security team will stop everyone from standing at my door who have the intent to see or speak to me. I want all the ambushing to stop now.

Honestly? I wish I had a security team to stop random people in Krogers from speaking to me. That would be super. But really, when I hear “ambush” I think of getting attacked by Indians in a cowboy movie, not some dude trying to talk to me outside my office. Weird.

I have been taken advantage of by my lenient policy in the past. This ends now. NO MORE.

The NO MORE at the end really puts the emphasis where it needs to be, amirite? Stay the hell away, bro.

Do not approach me while I’m in the makeup chair unless I ask to speak with you directly. Either knock or use the doorbell.

Wait. There’s a doorbell outside the makeup room? Damn it. So much to learn and so little time.

I am seeking more free time for me throughout the day.

Gee, ya think?

Do not wait in any hallway to speak to me. I hate being ambushed. Please make an appointment.

Yeah, yeah. We discussed the ambush thing earlier. Let it go.

I promise you I will not entertain you in the hallway, and do not attempt to walk with me.

Steve, you have trouble entertaining me as a TV host, let alone in the hallway, so I will not attempt to walk with you. Jeebus.

If you’re reading this, yes, I mean you.

W-e-l-l, since the group reading this is probably a little more wide-ranging than you ever intended, perhaps you don’t mean everybody reading this.

Everyone, do not take offense to the new way of doing business. It is for the good of my personal life and enjoyment.

Oh no, no offense taken! All good Steve!

Thank you all,

Steve Harvey

You’re welcome sir. See you soon. Wait. No we won’t. Because we’re not allowed.

Sigh.