Archive for the ‘Assclowns’ Category

CBS Boston – Julia Hartwell loves her dolls, arts and crafts, and like most four-year-olds, she has a best friend. However, that’s not a term Julia can use at Pentucket Workshop Preschool in Georgetown. Her mother, Christine Hartwell, says, “The teacher told her she couldn’t say that in school.”

The Georgetown preschool offered an explanation to Julia’s parents, saying the term best friend “can lead other children to feel excluded” and it “can ultimately lead to the formation of “cliques” and “outsiders.” The preschool wrote, they “encourage children to have a broader group of friends, and foster inclusion at this particular age.”

Oh, for the love of God. Now the schools are telling our kids they can’t have “best friends.” Hey, I met my best friend Dave Allen in second grade and we remain best friends today. Sure, he’s a highfalutin (that’s how you spell it, I looked it up so shut it) doctor in the big city who only sees me at his convenience, but still.*

My point is, who in the hell can tell us who our friends are? Answer: Nobody. If you have no friends you need to take a look in the mirror, amirite? Newsflash: Everyone is not popular in preschool. Some are better at coloring, others are really good at somersaults or counting or drawing circles and stuff. Figure it out, man. Carve out your niche. Learn how to make friends without your damn school’s help. Sad really. Get it together, America!

*Just kidding, J.R.

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Where’s an 18-wheeler when you need one?

TMZ- Green Bay Packers wide receiver Trevor Davis was arrested at LAX on Sunday morning after cops say he joked about smuggling a bomb into the airport. Law enforcement sources tell us the 24-year-old, a 5th round draft pick out of Cal in 2016, was at the Hawaiian Airlines ticket counter with a female companion to check into a flight when the attendant asked the usual security questions about their luggage.

Instead of playing it straight we’re told Davis turned to the other woman and said, “Did you remember to pack the explosives?” She apparently said, “No” and tried to get him to stop. He then said, “Just kidding”, but it was too late.
We’re told cops were called and Davis was immediately taken into custody for misdemeanor criminal threats.

Listen, everyone knows Trevor Davis was joking. But Holy Mother of God you can’t make a bomb joke at an airport. You just can’t. Not since September 11th, 2001. And Trevor has no excuse. Dude was born in 1994. He was 7 when 9/11 occurred. He’s not like guys like me who can remember the days when you could stroll onto an airplane with a damn machete and nobody would say a word. Trevor, dude. DUDE. Just can’t do it, man. You have to be better than that.

Dude, did you read the book? That’s exactly the point author Mary Shelley was making. Good grief.

So here we are. It’s 2018. Apparently everything has to be a big production now, amirite? I mean, we actually have something called Kindergarten Graduation. What, little Miles stayed within the lines when he colored that dragon? Aren’t you supposed to graduate kindergarten? Has anyone ever failed kindergarten? Yet we have a graduation? Why? And what are kindergartners graduating into? First grade?

Anyway, back in my day we had one graduation – when we graduated high school.

And I know, I sound like one of those “get off my lawn” guys lamenting about the good old days. To that I say deal with it, it’s my website. And hey, you are reading this, so there’s that.

But back to the point that everything has to be a big production nowadays, and how it differs from when I was in school. Let’s do this . . .

Today, there’s such a thing as a “promposal.” I’m being serious here, it’s a real thing. Let’s say a dude wants to ask a girl to the prom. Keep in mind it doesn’t have to be somebody he’s never dated, it can be his girlfriend of 7-years. Doesn’t matter. He still has to come up with a promposal to ask his girl to the prom, and it has to be spectacular, like a unicorn showing up with the invitation taped to its horn. OK, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but you do see a lot of stuff like this:

Please. You know how I asked Tonya Primer to the prom when I was in high school? Honestly I can’t remember but I’m guessing it happened when we were watching The Towering Inferno or something at The Fiesta drive-in theater:

“Hey, the prom is in a few weeks. You wanna go?”

“Sure. Hand me a slice of pizza.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my promposal, circa 1974.

Note: Kids also do this for Homecoming, the Christmas Dance and when going to Krispy Kreme for some Apple Fritters. OK, maybe I made that last part up.

And hey, what about the new “Gender Reveal Parties” that are all the rage? [Insert your own Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner joke here]. You can’t simply find out if your baby is a boy or a girl and tell your friends the next time you run into them, you have to throw a party and have the big reveal! Woot! It’s a boy! Or girl! Whatever. I actually read about one such party where the woman smashed a piñata and it exploded with pink confetti, revealing to all that the baby was a girl. I got chills typing that, except not really. Honestly, not only do I think these parties are dumb, I think that watching couples trying to out-cute each other with party ideas is the height of comedy. Seriously folks, not everyone is as excited as you are about every detail of your child’s life, let alone its pre-life. Just because it’s important to you doesn’t mean it’s important to everyone else. B-a-a-a-c-k it up a little.

Back when I was born I’m pretty sure I popped out, the doctor held me up, took a look, said, “Hey, it’s a boy!” and that was that. Mom then took me home, put me in a crib and went out to chop some wood or something. Hey, people were tougher back then.

Anyway, promposals and gender reveal parties? Not a fan.

PS- This is sort of hard to believe, but it wasn’t until the latter half of the 1980’s that women in the United States began routinely finding out the sex of their babies before birth. Seriously, I looked it up. That’s wild, man.

 

 

Nope.

Rueters: No one loves the Home of Unlimited Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks as much as one Arkansas couple who has decided to name their daughter after Olive Garden. When Justin and Jordan Garton found out that they would be having their first child in December 2017, they knew they wanted to give her a name with “Italian origins,” ABC News reports. After considering and then rejecting the name Olive Garton, they landed on the much more subtle Olivia Garton. Soon after marrying in 2015, the Gartons bought Olive Garden’s famous “never-ending pasta pass” for $100, allowing them to eat unlimited amounts of pasta and guzzle countless soft drinks at their local restaurant for a set period of time. For six to seven weeks, the couple ate there every single day. Because of Justin’s Italian roots and their love of the eatery, when the couple found out they were expecting, they knew they wanted to give their first child an Italian name. For a while, they considered naming her Olive but ultimately decided it would be too much — they feared kids would bully their daughter named after the Italian eatery. When they landed on Olivia, though, they both knew “immediately” that it was the one. In their minds, that’s a less mockable pun. The couple also landed on a middle name, Michelle. Her initials will be OMG.

Hey Justin and Jordan Garton, let me give you some advice. If you don’t want your kid bullied, don’t name her after an Italian restaurant chain. And what will you name your next kid? Redd Lawbster? Crakker Barrell? Buffelow Wildwing? PF Chang? Wait. That last one might actually work.

And OMG for her initials? Nah, that will never get here picked on.

On a related note, I shall now give my Top 5 restaurants you could name your kid after and it would be cool:

  1. Bonefish
  2. Carrabba
  3. Longhorn (boys only)
  4. O’ Charley
  5. Benihana

Thank you and goodnight.

Not the actual lion but a man can dream, right?

Daily Mail: A big cat poacher has been killed and eaten by the pride of lion he was hunting at a private game reserve in South Africa. The hunter was heard screaming for help as he was attacked at the Ingwelala Private Nature Reserve in Hoedspruit outside Phalaborwa. But the lions quickly killed their victim and devoured most of his body before being chased off, leaving his head untouched. A hunting rifle was found close to what was left of the blood drenched body. 

Man, what a great way to start the day, huh? It’s like Christmas morning up in here. Nothing is better than an animal turning the tables on bad humans. Nothing. Hey, Mr. Poacher, how do like me now? Oh, that’s right, you can’t like anything because all that’s left of you is your head! Hahahahaha! Karma baby!

PS- You know those lions left that head on purpose. Talk about sending a message to the poaching community. Boom. Bring it on, poachers.

 

So Tom Brady sent this gem out yesterday, just to remind us that he’s Tom Brady and we’re not, that he’s married to a super model, and they’re about to get cozy on some island in the Caribbean. Just cocky as all hell. But hey, Tommy? You can’t deflect attention from the fact you lost that Super Bowl, big guy. Plus your shoes and shorts combo sucks.

Gif reminded me of Jif and now I’m craving a peanut better sandwich. Damn it.

[click on the pic to scroll through the hilarity]

SPRING HILL, Fla. — 38-year old Douglas Jon Francisco of Tampa was arrested on Wednesday afternoon for DUI after he reportedly mistook a bank drive-thru for Taco Bell. According to the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office, the manager of Bank of America on Mariner Boulevard called to report an impaired driver after he found an unconscious man behind the wheel of a blue sedan in the bank’s drive-thru lane.

The manager told deputies that after beating on the car window for “some time,” he was able to wake up the driver. Upon waking up, the driver asked the bank manager for a burrito before driving away after being informed he was not at Taco Bell.

Listen, how can you be mad at Douglas Jon Francisco here? I mean really? Dude had a couple barley pops and confused his drive-thrus. Big deal. That could happen to anybody. Hell, I’ve known people to do it when they’re stone cold sober, man. Give this guy a break. Quick thought – what if it had been the other way around and he’d tried to withdraw money from a Taco Bell? Poor guy would’ve had robbery added to the DUI.

PS- True story. I was with one of my crazy-ass friends years ago and he got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up to the car, got out his little pen and pad, and my buddy said this without blinking an eye: “Hey, what’s up? Let’s see, I think I’ll have a cheeseburger with the works and a side of fries, and give me a large Coke too. Shoe, what do you want?” The cop never said a word, just went on with his usual routine as I sat cowering on the passenger side, waiting to be tased. On a related note, that friend is now a doctor.

PPS- Gotta give mad props to Douglas Jon Francisco for that mugshot. Hair is on point.

 

God I hope this is real.

The Oregonian: A fisherman who jumped ship into bone-chilling water to dodge a speeding motorboat has filed a $372,500 lawsuit, alleging the other driver was distracted by his cellphone just before the dramatic crash caught on video. Bryan Maess filed the suit earlier this month against Marlin Lee Larsen, 75, over the Aug. 12 crash near the mouth of the Columbia River and the Pacific Ocean. Larsen told investigators he couldn’t see where he was driving since he was sitting down. Larsen, who uses a motorized scooter on land, admitted that he probably should’ve been standing at the time, according to a sheriff’s report obtained by the Oregonian.

Listen, I’m not a boat skipper or anything but I’d think “watching where you are going” would be right below “not letting the boat sink” in the list of boating rules. Seriously though, that was a close one, amirite? Dudes hopped off in the nick of time. One of the guys said everyone was OK, “just a little shaken up.” Gee, ya think? Bottom line, I’m pretty sure Marlin Lee Larsen is going to have to shell out some coin for this little mishap.

PS- I’m no lawyer, but does it really matter if he was on his cell phone or not? He ran over a boat, destroyed it, and nearly murdered 3-people. End of case.

Listen, everyone knows I’m not a Trump guy. I think he’s an ignorant racist who’s running our country into the ground. That said, I gotta be honest. I respect this move. It’s so Trump it hurts. Dude doesn’t like the question from a reporter who was clearly trolling him so he just points to the door and says “Out.” That’s about as boss a move as you can pull. On a related note, what is the over/under on how many times Trump says to Pence every day? 5? Actually that may be low.

Note: Try and find another website that uses the word baddassiest. You can’t. 

Note 2: The Donald is looking unusually slim in this video. Maybe he really does weigh 285 239.

So former NBA player Kenyon Martin went to Twitter to make fun of Jeremy Lin’s dreadlocks, accusing him of cultural appropriation and “wanting to be black.” Lin’s response was kind, respectful, and intelligent. Check it out:

TALLAHASSEE — About 1 a.m. Thursday, 20-year-old Shane Missler wrote on Twitter: “The power of positive thinking should not be underestimated!”

By that time he already knew he had won the lottery.

And not just any jackpot, but $451 million.

Missler bought five quick-pick Mega Millions tickets last week at a 7-Eleven store in Port Richey, where his family lives. One was the sole winner of the fourth-largest Mega Millions jackpot of all time, lottery officials said. Missler, grinning widely and clutching a yellow envelope, turned it in Friday shortly after noon at the Florida Lottery headquarters in Tallahassee. He was with his dad and a lawyer, and said, “I’m only 20, but I hope to use it to pursue a variety of passions, help my family and do some good for humanity. If there is one thing I’ve learned thus far in my short time on earth, it is that those who maintain a positive mind-set and stay true to themselves get rewarded. I really wasn’t surprised. I actually expected this.” 

Man, what a heartwarming story. A young man walks into a 7-Eleven, buys a lottery ticket and wins $451-million, all because of the power of positive thinking and staying true to himself. What a wonderful . . . I can’t do this. This kid makes me sick. He’s 20 and naive and actually believes his own bullshit. Listen, thinking positively works when you’re doing physical or mental things like shooting a free throw or taking a test. But buying a lottery ticket in a total game of chance where no skill is involved? Son, it had nothing whatsoever to do with your outlook on life or “being true to yourself”, whatever that means. You got lucky. Oh, and to say you “expected this” after winning $451-million is the height of arrogance. Nobody believes you.

PS: Shane Missler can go straight to hell. 

 

A few years ago I wrote a lukewarm widely acclaimed blog called 9 People I Hate at Rock Concerts. It included idiots like people who sing too loud, text during the show, bitch about the opening act, stuff like that. Do yourself a favor and read it. Well, recently another habit has reared it’s ugly head at concerts, and it is not pretty. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Tablet Guy:

You know what I hate most about all the talking sports heads on television? When they imprint how they think they would feel upon the athletes they’re covering. Some examples:

Boy, the Falcons are really looking to get revenge for that waxing the Eagles gave them 2-years ago!”
 
“Well Curt, it’s Senior Night here at Schmedlap Field so I’m certain the Panthers are going to be fired up to play!”
 
“Well, we all know what Billy Bob Stinkerton said about the Owls last week, and they didn’t like it one bit. That’s bulletin board material Joe!”

And all I’ve heard this week on Sports Talk Radio is how the negative ESPN story on the Patriots is going to fire up New England . . .

Wow, that’s going to be something! The Patriots have a point to prove now! They have extra incentive to win!”

Uh, no they don’t. Belichick won’t give that nonsense a second thought.

Truth be told, emotions last about a minute into a competition and then the teams have to play the game. All that “we owe them from last year” stuff doesn’t go very far. As Mike Tyson once said, “Everybody’s got a plan until they get hit.

So true.

Ask any athlete at any level. You can get as fired up as you want, but after the first few minutes you have to play the game. You get tired. That’s when fundamentals and preparation come into play.

The fact is the team that’s the most prepared and/or has the most talent is going to win. You can play all the uplifting songs, show all the inspirational videos, and give all the rousing pep talks you want, but if you’re not prepared and mentally ready to play you’re going to lose.

Simple as that.

Fresh off the Twitter:

NEW this AM: Trump attorneys send cease-and-desist letter this morning to book publisher Henry Holt demanding they stop publication of Michael Wolff’s book “Fire & Fury: Inside Trump’s White House” and issue an apology to Trump for defamatory statements made thus far.

Oh, this must be good if The Donald is fighting so hard to ban it. Gotta be, right? It must have some really juicy and damning information contained within. After all, Trump doesn’t usually react to things like this, being so presidential and all. We all know how our Tweeter-in-Chief is known for his thick skin and uncanny ability to handle criticism. He usually takes the high road when folks dare disagree with him, everyone knows that.

Wait. Never mind.

PS- Still buying it.

UPDATE!

Breaking: Publisher of Michael Wolff’s Fire & Fury: Inside Trump’s White House, moves up the book’s release date by four days. It will be on store shelves tomorrow morning.

Yuge news! Yuuuuge! Anyone know when Barnes and Nobles opens?

PS- Now I’m starting to think Trump might be in on this whole thing, filing a cease and desist to ratchet up interest. Dude will do anything to make a buck. Damn it Trump!

A self-serve gas law took effect in Oregon on Monday, and some Oregonians aren’t taking it well. House Bill 2482, which was signed into law last year, allows motorists to pump their own gas in nearly half of Oregon’s 36-counties. It seems that Oregon and New Jersey had long been the only two states in the U.S. to bar customers from pumping their own fuel. Anywho, like I said, folks are all freaking out about having to actually get out of their car and handle a dangerous and smelly gas pump and whatnot. Check out some of the social media comments:

“I don’t even know HOW to pump gas and I am 62, native Oregonian! I say NO THANKS! I don’t want to smell like gasoline!”

Uh, bro. You won’t. What, do you think you dip it out of a bucket with your hands?

“I’ve lived in this state all my life and I REFUSE to pump my own gas. This is a service only qualified people should perform. I will literally park at the pump and wait until someone pumps my gas.”

Yep. Couldn’t agree more. Because those gas station attendants undergo a stringent training course to learn the intricacies of operating the complicated gas pump. Like, you know, lifting it from the cradle, inserting it into the filler neck of your gas tank, and pulling the trigger thingy to pump the gas.*

*Trigger Thingy is actually the name. True story.

“I go to work at 5 in the morning. Not a lot of people at the gas pumps at that time in the morning. And yes, I will not feel safe pumping my own gas. Not to mention it’s freezing and rainy. So thank you to all who voted to change it. You have now taken away a nice luxury that most of us enjoyed.”

Awww. Again with the worries of safety and getting cold and wet. Are Oregonians really that soft? In Ohio we lick the access gas off our hands and get on with our day.

“Many people are not capable of knowing how to pump gas and the hazards of not doing it correctly. Besides I don’t want to go to work smelling of gas when I get it on my hands or clothes. I agree very bad idea.”

Seriously, do these people think folks are blowing up their cars on the regular in the 48 states where people pump their own freaking gas? Good God, man. On a related note . . .

“Yuck! Pumping my own fuel in freezing temperatures and handling a nasty ole fuel nozzle that 50 other people have touched that day (and who knows what cooties are on there), no thank you. It’s nice to not have to pump your own fuel.”

Son, do you realize how many objects you touch every day that 100 other people have touched? The answer is exactly 4,567. I looked it up. Seriously, are Oregonians that soft? Damn it Trump!

Note: You youngbloods out there won’t remember this, but when I was a kid you’d pull into a gas station, 3 or 4 guys in uniforms and ties would come running out, and not only would they pump your gas but they’d wash your windshield, check the air in your tires and give you a foot massage. OK, that last part wasn’t true but the rest is 100% accurate. Oh, and if you filled your tank they’d give you a dinnerware set or something. True damn story. 

See? I wouldn’t lie to ya.

So the Mad Tweeter, also known as the Leader of the Free World, has now taken credit for the lack of commercial airplane crashes since he was elected by a minority of Americans. What he didn’t mention was the fact that 2017 was the 8th year in a row with no commercial aviation deaths in the United States. Of course and as always, Twitter reacted accordingly. First, his tweet:

A-a-a-a-a-a-n-d then came the responses. Even the Breaking Bad dude chimed in. Click to enjoy the snarkiness.

I swear to God you can’t make this stuff up. Honestly, there’s a part of me that shall miss him when he’s impeached/thrown out/loses the next election/goes completely batshit cray-cray and is taken away in a paddywagon. It’s inevitable you know.

NY Post — The United Parcel Service lost a Canadian man’s $846,000 inheritance, and bank TD Canada Trust is refusing to refund the missing money 10 months later, according to a CBC report. UPS has only offered $32 and an apology letter — and TD hasn’t paid out a dime for the supposedly bank-guaranteed lost dough — leading to “many a night of lost sleep, and gnashing of teeth and anger. Frustration, unbelievable frustration” for Lorette Taylor and her brother Louis Paul Herbert, according to Taylor.
After their father died, Herbert said, he went to his local UPS store near Cornwall, Ontario, where he was expecting a package from sister Taylor containing his share of their inheritance in the form of a bank draft, but it never came.

Wait. Somebody shipped a $846,000.00 inheritance by UPS? Listen, I love Canadians as much as anyone but this is so Canadian it hurts. Just naïve like you read about. Nice of UPS to offer $32 though. That’s really big of them.

PS- Anything over $10-grand has to be hand delivered. That’s just common sense.

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas — Personal injury attorney Thomas J. Henry knows how to throw a party.  This weekend, he made sure his son’s 18th birthday didn’t fall short. The $4-million dollar party for Thomas Henry Jr. was held at Hotel Discotheque lounge in San Antonio. The event had a Gatsby-mixed-with-burlesque theme complete with showgirls, aerial performers, art installations and contortionists.

The party featured performances by Diplo, J Balvin and Migos. Celebrity guests included Ashanti, Rumer Willis, Lance Bass, Josh Henderson, Adrienne Bailon, Joanna Krupa, Aubrey O’Day, Austin Mahone and others. The star of the party, who sat on a throne-like chair when he wasn’t dancing, was given a fully loaded blue Ferrari, an IWC Portugieser Tourbillion watch and a custom-made painting from Alec Monopoly.

Thomas, when he wasn’t dancing, sat on an elevated throne-like chair at the front of the room. 

Meh. Big deal. Who hasn’t had a Gatsby-mixed-with-burlesque themed birthday party complete with showgirls, aerial performers, art installations and contortionists? That’s a normal Tuesday evening rager here in Southern Ohio. And seriously, Diplo? That’s a low-rent rapper if one ever existed.*

Seriously, I guarantee I had more fun on my 18th birthday than Thomas J. Henry. My friends and I went down to the creek, built a bonfire and listened to Alice Cooper while chugging Stroh’s beer and shots of Old Grand-Dad. And I didn’t have a throne-like chair but Mary Jo Corbett and I sat on a really comfortable log. Plus it didn’t cost $4-million. More like $17.26. You can’t put a price on a good time, kids.

*I have no idea who Diplo is.

 

Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up. Kayla more giving rock solid proof that she and Roy aren’t anti-Semitic because of their attorneys is a Jew. This reminds me of morons that say things like this:

“I’m not racist. One of my friends is black.”

or . . .

“I’m not biased against fast food. I ate at a White Castle once.”

Or perhaps . . .

“I don’t hate ugly people. One of my friends is so ugly she sat in a sandbox and the cats tried to bury her.”

You get my drift. It’s a dumb, pointless argument that has zero merit. Of course, Mrs. Moore also said this awhile back as well regarding the good old days:

“I think it was great at the time when families were united — even though we had slavery. They cared for one another. People were strong in the families. Our families were strong. Our country had a direction.”

Ah, the good old days when America was great, even though we had that little slavery thing. Don’t we all long for that simpler, more racist time?

Good God.

Anyway, enjoy the video. On a related note, could Roy look any creepier?

Note: I cannot wait for the threats I receive after this one. As always I’ll keep you posted.

 

 

I weep for our future. And our present.

[Click to view]

NY Post — Lauer has made one statement regarding his firing from NBC’s “Today” for alleged sexual harassment, saying, “Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I’m committed to beginning that effort. It is now my full-time job.” A source says, “Matt has no intention of returning to public life. He wants to be a regular Joe, just staying in the Hamptons and playing golf. He is going to stick to his one statement and not address the allegations further.”

I say bravo to Matt Lauer. Bravo sir! Just going back to joining the common man in the Hamptons. Hell, any of us common folk could run into Matt at anytime, as long as we’re, you know, playing golf in the Hamptons. On a related note, Matt Lauer can go straight to hell.