Archive for the ‘Assclowns’ Category

So Russia is celebrating the start of the World Cup and everyone is all giddy and whatnot. As part of the festivities some Russian bros brought their bear along for the fun, and here he is playing a vuvuzela and giving the “up yours” forearm jerk sign to innocent passerby. On a related note, that bear is going to maul the living hell out of those dudes soon.

Note: Whilst researching the “up yours” sign, I found that it is indeed called the “forearm jerk” overseas. I also found out that there are about 20 innocent gestures we make here in the USA that have totally different meanings outside our country. Stay tuned for the upcoming riveting blog.

Note 2: When the mauling commences those assheads will totally deserve it.

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A bison gored a woman in Yellowstone National Park on Wednesday, marking the third time in a week that park animals attacked humans, according to the Associated Press.

Officials said that the woman, 59-year-old Kim Hancock of Santa Rosa, California, was in a crowd of people that got within 15-feet of a bison while they were walking along a boardwalk, according to a National Park Service news release. Rangers advise staying at least 25-yards away from animals like bison and elk, the park said.

Ah, nothing like a good “goring of a moron” story to start the week, amirite? Hey, there’s an 1,800 pound animal with horns! Let’s get all up in its face and stuff! Good God. At least they didn’t put the animal down though, because Kim Hancock is the one who should be put down. Not sayin’ just sayin’.

PS- Third time in a week sounds like a really good average. Keep it up, bison.

Love this video. One minute this dude is showing off for the crowd, slapping the gator, stepping on its snout, acting all badass, the next minute the gator is head-butting him into oblivion. On a related note, I’m pretty sure that guy’s sunglasses landed in the next county over. Good stuff.

Disrespectful idiots on motorcycles and bicycles deserve what they get. Satisfying video.

So here’s a zookeeper in the Ukraine breaking up a lion fight with a slipper, because of course he is. I will post information regarding the inevitable mauling of this zookeeper in a future blog. Stay tuned.

Future photo when magic slipper quits working.

Well, maybe not killing now but it will eventually. Listen, I love basketball but you have to call this. You have to. What is the rationale for not? I don’t get it. MAKE THE CALL!

 


So Carrot Dogs are a thing now, and I believe this may be the beginning of the end of humanity. From the Washington Post:

This plant-based take on hot dogs gives carrots a roasted red pepper treatment: Char (either on the grill or under the broiler) and steam them, and then peel off the skins. They end up nicely cooked and lightly smoke-tinged, making them perfect for a cookout. Choose the largest, thickest carrots you can find; they shrink during cooking, and you can always trim the narrow end to fit the bun. Serve these carrot dogs nestled in buns with the toppings such as vegetarian chili, cheddar, chopped onion, sauerkraut, kimchi, pickles/relish, ketchup and spicy mustard.

Oh for the love of God. I swear I didn’t even know carrots had skins, but the idea of a charred skinless carrot sounds disgusting. And I don’t care how much cheese, chili, and spicy mustard you put on a skinless carrot, it’s still a skinless carrot.

Note: I always have people messaging me telling how wonderful crap like this tastes. Save it. Also, I know regular hot dog ingredients include chicken trimmings and sheep casing. I don’t care. They’re delicious. 

It may be the most epic baseball playoff matchup in history, and it didn’t even involve a pitch. As reported by GametimeCT.com, a Southern Connecticut Conference baseball quarterfinal between Amity and North Haven was postponed due to weather, but still earned a result when the two teams decided to play rock-paper-scissors to decide a winner. The lighthearted battle went 11 rounds, with North Haven eventually emerging with a 6-5 upset victory with a deft use of scissors.

The issue is that whether the teams wanted it or not, the result won’t count in the official SCC logs. Per GametimeCT.com’s Peter Paguaga — whose “game story” may be the most epic piece of baseball prose of the past calendar year — the SCC commissioner’s office is now determining whether to accept the rock-paper-scissors result as the equivalent of an actual baseball game.

The odds of that ruling coming down in the affirmative are probably small. In short, it ain’t happening. Still, the creativity employed by both teams, and the enthusiasm of using a unique way of deciding a result during a time crunch, likely brought more enjoyment than anything else either could have done. And if enjoyment is the entire goal for high school sports, which is allegedly the most genuine and earnest form of athletics, shouldn’t that be enough to justify accepting a rock-paper-scissors battle as a bona fide baseball quarterfinal result?

Uh, no. No, it shouldn’t. But let’s digress a little. Soooo, you’re saying that winning a game of Rock-Paper-Scissors would be more fun than, you know, actually winning the game by using the skills you developed in practice to get better at the game you love? What’s next, deciding a basketball game by playing a game of Hungry Hippos?

Sweet Mother of God.

On a related note, if the SCC Commissioner allows this to stand he should be beaten with rocks, stabbed with scissors, and suffer a thousand paper cuts.

Heaven help us all.

Here’s the hotly contested, intense, character building contest:

Note: I refuse to believe these kids thought this would actually count as a game. No way.

Well, so much for Wedding Day being all about the bride, huh? Listen, everyone knows how I feel about this sort of stuff. Maybe I’m being old fashioned here, but l say the bride should get all the attention and not some assclown with his guitar. It’s not about you, idiot. At least save it for the reception.

PS- This ranks right up there with the groom who showcased his soccer skills by kicking a ball up the aisle. Good grief. 

PPS- Hell, I could have shot free throws to show off at my wedding.

PPPS- Correction: Weddings.

PPPPS- November Rain does have a killer guitar solo though.

So a French family was visiting a wild animal park in Holland and thought it would be a swell idea to hop on out of their car with the kids, set up some lawn chairs and chillax with some 180-pound killing machines that have the ability to run 75 miles per hour. I mean really, what could possibly go wrong? Sadly, they made it back to their car before getting mauled to death.

PS – This video is proof that cursing in English and Dutch is exactly the same. Cool.

Why, oh why would somebody walk into a lion enclosure? And no, this wasn’t a disturbed individual. Reportedly this guy owned the animal park. If anyone deserved to be attacked it was this moron. And I can only hope the guy yelling for a gun was planning to use it on the human. This is all a part of natural selection, man. Weeding out the weak and stupid and whatnot. Good grief.

CBS Boston – Julia Hartwell loves her dolls, arts and crafts, and like most four-year-olds, she has a best friend. However, that’s not a term Julia can use at Pentucket Workshop Preschool in Georgetown. Her mother, Christine Hartwell, says, “The teacher told her she couldn’t say that in school.”

The Georgetown preschool offered an explanation to Julia’s parents, saying the term best friend “can lead other children to feel excluded” and it “can ultimately lead to the formation of “cliques” and “outsiders.” The preschool wrote, they “encourage children to have a broader group of friends, and foster inclusion at this particular age.”

Oh, for the love of God. Now the schools are telling our kids they can’t have “best friends.” Hey, I met my best friend Dave Allen in second grade and we remain best friends today. Sure, he’s a highfalutin (that’s how you spell it, I looked it up so shut it) doctor in the big city who only sees me at his convenience, but still.*

My point is, who in the hell can tell us who our friends are? Answer: Nobody. If you have no friends you need to take a look in the mirror, amirite? Newsflash: Everyone is not popular in preschool. Some are better at coloring, others are really good at somersaults or counting or drawing circles and stuff. Figure it out, man. Carve out your niche. Learn how to make friends without your damn school’s help. Sad really. Get it together, America!

*Just kidding, J.R.

Where’s an 18-wheeler when you need one?

TMZ- Green Bay Packers wide receiver Trevor Davis was arrested at LAX on Sunday morning after cops say he joked about smuggling a bomb into the airport. Law enforcement sources tell us the 24-year-old, a 5th round draft pick out of Cal in 2016, was at the Hawaiian Airlines ticket counter with a female companion to check into a flight when the attendant asked the usual security questions about their luggage.

Instead of playing it straight we’re told Davis turned to the other woman and said, “Did you remember to pack the explosives?” She apparently said, “No” and tried to get him to stop. He then said, “Just kidding”, but it was too late.
We’re told cops were called and Davis was immediately taken into custody for misdemeanor criminal threats.

Listen, everyone knows Trevor Davis was joking. But Holy Mother of God you can’t make a bomb joke at an airport. You just can’t. Not since September 11th, 2001. And Trevor has no excuse. Dude was born in 1994. He was 7 when 9/11 occurred. He’s not like guys like me who can remember the days when you could stroll onto an airplane with a damn machete and nobody would say a word. Trevor, dude. DUDE. Just can’t do it, man. You have to be better than that.

Dude, did you read the book? That’s exactly the point author Mary Shelley was making. Good grief.

So here we are. It’s 2018. Apparently everything has to be a big production now, amirite? I mean, we actually have something called Kindergarten Graduation. What, little Miles stayed within the lines when he colored that dragon? Aren’t you supposed to graduate kindergarten? Has anyone ever failed kindergarten? Yet we have a graduation? Why? And what are kindergartners graduating into? First grade?

Anyway, back in my day we had one graduation – when we graduated high school.

And I know, I sound like one of those “get off my lawn” guys lamenting about the good old days. To that I say deal with it, it’s my website. And hey, you are reading this, so there’s that.

But back to the point that everything has to be a big production nowadays, and how it differs from when I was in school. Let’s do this . . .

Today, there’s such a thing as a “promposal.” I’m being serious here, it’s a real thing. Let’s say a dude wants to ask a girl to the prom. Keep in mind it doesn’t have to be somebody he’s never dated, it can be his girlfriend of 7-years. Doesn’t matter. He still has to come up with a promposal to ask his girl to the prom, and it has to be spectacular, like a unicorn showing up with the invitation taped to its horn. OK, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but you do see a lot of stuff like this:

Please. You know how I asked Tonya Primer to the prom when I was in high school? Honestly I can’t remember but I’m guessing it happened when we were watching The Towering Inferno or something at The Fiesta drive-in theater:

“Hey, the prom is in a few weeks. You wanna go?”

“Sure. Hand me a slice of pizza.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my promposal, circa 1974.

Note: Kids also do this for Homecoming, the Christmas Dance and when going to Krispy Kreme for some Apple Fritters. OK, maybe I made that last part up.

And hey, what about the new “Gender Reveal Parties” that are all the rage? [Insert your own Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner joke here]. You can’t simply find out if your baby is a boy or a girl and tell your friends the next time you run into them, you have to throw a party and have the big reveal! Woot! It’s a boy! Or girl! Whatever. I actually read about one such party where the woman smashed a piñata and it exploded with pink confetti, revealing to all that the baby was a girl. I got chills typing that, except not really. Honestly, not only do I think these parties are dumb, I think that watching couples trying to out-cute each other with party ideas is the height of comedy. Seriously folks, not everyone is as excited as you are about every detail of your child’s life, let alone its pre-life. Just because it’s important to you doesn’t mean it’s important to everyone else. B-a-a-a-c-k it up a little.

Back when I was born I’m pretty sure I popped out, the doctor held me up, took a look, said, “Hey, it’s a boy!” and that was that. Mom then took me home, put me in a crib and went out to chop some wood or something. Hey, people were tougher back then.

Anyway, promposals and gender reveal parties? Not a fan.

PS- This is sort of hard to believe, but it wasn’t until the latter half of the 1980’s that women in the United States began routinely finding out the sex of their babies before birth. Seriously, I looked it up. That’s wild, man.

 

 

Nope.

Rueters: No one loves the Home of Unlimited Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks as much as one Arkansas couple who has decided to name their daughter after Olive Garden. When Justin and Jordan Garton found out that they would be having their first child in December 2017, they knew they wanted to give her a name with “Italian origins,” ABC News reports. After considering and then rejecting the name Olive Garton, they landed on the much more subtle Olivia Garton. Soon after marrying in 2015, the Gartons bought Olive Garden’s famous “never-ending pasta pass” for $100, allowing them to eat unlimited amounts of pasta and guzzle countless soft drinks at their local restaurant for a set period of time. For six to seven weeks, the couple ate there every single day. Because of Justin’s Italian roots and their love of the eatery, when the couple found out they were expecting, they knew they wanted to give their first child an Italian name. For a while, they considered naming her Olive but ultimately decided it would be too much — they feared kids would bully their daughter named after the Italian eatery. When they landed on Olivia, though, they both knew “immediately” that it was the one. In their minds, that’s a less mockable pun. The couple also landed on a middle name, Michelle. Her initials will be OMG.

Hey Justin and Jordan Garton, let me give you some advice. If you don’t want your kid bullied, don’t name her after an Italian restaurant chain. And what will you name your next kid? Redd Lawbster? Crakker Barrell? Buffelow Wildwing? PF Chang? Wait. That last one might actually work.

And OMG for her initials? Nah, that will never get here picked on.

On a related note, I shall now give my Top 5 restaurants you could name your kid after and it would be cool:

  1. Bonefish
  2. Carrabba
  3. Longhorn (boys only)
  4. O’ Charley
  5. Benihana

Thank you and goodnight.

Not the actual lion but a man can dream, right?

Daily Mail: A big cat poacher has been killed and eaten by the pride of lion he was hunting at a private game reserve in South Africa. The hunter was heard screaming for help as he was attacked at the Ingwelala Private Nature Reserve in Hoedspruit outside Phalaborwa. But the lions quickly killed their victim and devoured most of his body before being chased off, leaving his head untouched. A hunting rifle was found close to what was left of the blood drenched body. 

Man, what a great way to start the day, huh? It’s like Christmas morning up in here. Nothing is better than an animal turning the tables on bad humans. Nothing. Hey, Mr. Poacher, how do like me now? Oh, that’s right, you can’t like anything because all that’s left of you is your head! Hahahahaha! Karma baby!

PS- You know those lions left that head on purpose. Talk about sending a message to the poaching community. Boom. Bring it on, poachers.

 

So Tom Brady sent this gem out yesterday, just to remind us that he’s Tom Brady and we’re not, that he’s married to a super model, and they’re about to get cozy on some island in the Caribbean. Just cocky as all hell. But hey, Tommy? You can’t deflect attention from the fact you lost that Super Bowl, big guy. Plus your shoes and shorts combo sucks.

Gif reminded me of Jif and now I’m craving a peanut better sandwich. Damn it.

[click on the pic to scroll through the hilarity]

SPRING HILL, Fla. — 38-year old Douglas Jon Francisco of Tampa was arrested on Wednesday afternoon for DUI after he reportedly mistook a bank drive-thru for Taco Bell. According to the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office, the manager of Bank of America on Mariner Boulevard called to report an impaired driver after he found an unconscious man behind the wheel of a blue sedan in the bank’s drive-thru lane.

The manager told deputies that after beating on the car window for “some time,” he was able to wake up the driver. Upon waking up, the driver asked the bank manager for a burrito before driving away after being informed he was not at Taco Bell.

Listen, how can you be mad at Douglas Jon Francisco here? I mean really? Dude had a couple barley pops and confused his drive-thrus. Big deal. That could happen to anybody. Hell, I’ve known people to do it when they’re stone cold sober, man. Give this guy a break. Quick thought – what if it had been the other way around and he’d tried to withdraw money from a Taco Bell? Poor guy would’ve had robbery added to the DUI.

PS- True story. I was with one of my crazy-ass friends years ago and he got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up to the car, got out his little pen and pad, and my buddy said this without blinking an eye: “Hey, what’s up? Let’s see, I think I’ll have a cheeseburger with the works and a side of fries, and give me a large Coke too. Shoe, what do you want?” The cop never said a word, just went on with his usual routine as I sat cowering on the passenger side, waiting to be tased. On a related note, that friend is now a doctor.

PPS- Gotta give mad props to Douglas Jon Francisco for that mugshot. Hair is on point.

 

God I hope this is real.

The Oregonian: A fisherman who jumped ship into bone-chilling water to dodge a speeding motorboat has filed a $372,500 lawsuit, alleging the other driver was distracted by his cellphone just before the dramatic crash caught on video. Bryan Maess filed the suit earlier this month against Marlin Lee Larsen, 75, over the Aug. 12 crash near the mouth of the Columbia River and the Pacific Ocean. Larsen told investigators he couldn’t see where he was driving since he was sitting down. Larsen, who uses a motorized scooter on land, admitted that he probably should’ve been standing at the time, according to a sheriff’s report obtained by the Oregonian.

Listen, I’m not a boat skipper or anything but I’d think “watching where you are going” would be right below “not letting the boat sink” in the list of boating rules. Seriously though, that was a close one, amirite? Dudes hopped off in the nick of time. One of the guys said everyone was OK, “just a little shaken up.” Gee, ya think? Bottom line, I’m pretty sure Marlin Lee Larsen is going to have to shell out some coin for this little mishap.

PS- I’m no lawyer, but does it really matter if he was on his cell phone or not? He ran over a boat, destroyed it, and nearly murdered 3-people. End of case.

Listen, everyone knows I’m not a Trump guy. I think he’s an ignorant racist who’s running our country into the ground. That said, I gotta be honest. I respect this move. It’s so Trump it hurts. Dude doesn’t like the question from a reporter who was clearly trolling him so he just points to the door and says “Out.” That’s about as boss a move as you can pull. On a related note, what is the over/under on how many times Trump says to Pence every day? 5? Actually that may be low.

Note: Try and find another website that uses the word baddassiest. You can’t. 

Note 2: The Donald is looking unusually slim in this video. Maybe he really does weigh 285 239.

So former NBA player Kenyon Martin went to Twitter to make fun of Jeremy Lin’s dreadlocks, accusing him of cultural appropriation and “wanting to be black.” Lin’s response was kind, respectful, and intelligent. Check it out: