Archive for the ‘Assclowns’ Category

Four tiger poachers were killed in a mangrove forest in Bangladesh on Wednesday during a shootout with police, officials said. The alleged poachers opened fire at Rapid Action Battalion, the anti-terrorism unit of the Bangladesh Police, in the Sundarbans, the world’s biggest mangrove forest, after they were questioned, AFP reported.

The four men, who were found dead along with guns and ammunition on the boat, were identified as members of a gang that allegedly poaches Bengal tigers and Irrawaddy dolphins, officials said.

“These gangs have become a major threat to wildlife conservation,” Tajul Islam Islam, a spokesperson for the Rapid Action Battalion, said.

Let this be a warning to all Bengal Tiger poachers in Bangladesh – try and poach a Bengal Tiger, Irrawaddy Dolphin or any other endangered species in Bangladesh and you will be hunted down by the Rapid Action Battalion and you will be murdered. Why? Because the Rapid Action Battalion gives no damns.

PS- I had to find out what the Rapid Action Battalion looked like. I was not disappointed.

Early leader for 2019 Father of the Year.

PORTLAND, Ore. (KOIN) — A Forest Grove man pleaded guilty after admitting he stole his daughter’s Girl Scout Cookie proceeds to pay for an erotic massage. 

Brian David Couture was ordered to do 80-hours of community service and pay restitution for filing a false report. Couture called police on March 6, 2019, saying a stranger had come into his home through the sliding glass door and fought him.

The Washington County District Attorney’s Office said Couture’s laptop was damaged and $700.00 was missing from a jar of his daughter’s Girl Scout Cookie sales.

Nice try by Brian David Couture, huh? Dude gave it a hell of a shot. I mean, it took some major cojones to burgle $700.00 from his daughter’s Girl Scout Cookie money jar and then blame an intruder. I really don’t think the whole “I fought the intruder” shtick was necessary, but I guess he was trying to play the hero for little Emily. Hell, he even sacrificed his laptop to make the break-in more believable. Brian David Couture, man. 2019 Father of the Year.

PS- I brought my A game with that headline, amirite?

PPS- I’ve never had an erotic massage (well, professionally anyway) but 700 clams seems pretty steep no matter what sort of service you’re getting.

PPPS- It’s 80-20 Robert Kraft has contacted this guy for more information.

Everyone knows how I feel about this crap. At graduation don’t act like a fool, don’t make it about you, don’t let your family whoop and holler and act like you’re the first member of the family to get a diploma, just behave with dignity and respect. It’s not that hard. Still, we get jackasses like this guy. Hopefully he’s dead or at least paralyzed. That would be super.

So people will do pretty much anything to get likes on Instagram. Why, I have no idea, but they continue to hang off cliffs, stand on top of cell phone towers, and take selfies with pit vipers. Would I enjoy seeing about one of these nitwits plunging to their deaths? I would not. Would I enjoy reading about it? I probably would. Fun fact: Between 2011 and 2017, 259 people died taking selfies. Drowning is the leading cause of selfie deaths, usually involving people being washed away by waves on beaches or falling out of a boat. The second-leading cause is listed as “transport”, which means people killed, for example, while trying to snap a quick pic in front of a moving train or standing on a moving car. Tied for third are selfie deaths involving falls from high places, as you can see some examples of below. Eight people died while taking selfies with dangerous animals. Unsurprisingly, the US led in the number of selfie deaths involving a firearm – people accidentally shooting themselves while posing with guns. ‘Murica!

Here are some examples of how incredibly dumb people can be.

Dumb.

Ingwelala Private Nature Reserve in South Africa was shaken with the screams of a man who was attacked and killed by Pride of Lion in private game reserve near the Kruger National Park. Before the lions were dispersed with the help of gun-shots, they had eaten most of the body barring the head that was untouched. Police initially thought that the victim was a tractor driver who worked in this private reserve. But later on when the driver appeared alive the suspicion began to grow. A hunting rifle was recovered near the remains of the dead that almost confirmed it to be a poacher who had sneaked into the private reserve. The man was killed viciously and the incident had been very disturbing and terrifying. Nevertheless, sympathy does not stand with the victim who had been hunting in the private reserve. The man had killed 3 Baboon families and spread the bodies around to attract and distract the lions to make them easier to hunt.

Man, there’s nothing better than seeing animal killers eaten by animals, huh? Karma just keeps kicking ass all over the planet, man. Cheetahs mauling wanna be selfie-takers, bears eating their human tormentors, the list continues to grow. And now we have this poacher who killed baboon families to bait lions, only to end up as the bait himself. It’s poetic really, and it made my freakin’ day.

Note: I love how the lions always leave the head, like a calling card or something. Lions, man.

Asshole.

Looks normal enough.

YouTuber Kyle Long was arrested on Sunday in Mountain View, California, for allegedly threatening violence if his meeting with the platform didn’t go as planned.

Long, 33, had driven over 3,000 miles from his home in Waterville, Maine, to the headquarters of Google, which owns YouTube, in California. According to his wife, Samantha Long, her husband became angry when he discovered that a YouTube video he’d uploaded on how to get rich quickly had been taken down, along with his account. However, Samantha didn’t tell him that she was the one who took down the video, not YouTube.

“I just didn’t tell him it was me taking it down because I didn’t want him losing his shit in front of my kids,” she said to BuzzFeed News. She described the video as “bizarre” and said she was worried about his mental health.

Gee, Samantha Long, you’re concerned about your husband’s mental health because he filmed a “bizarre” video for YouTube? What about the fact that he drove 3000-miles to confront Google? Was that a red flag for ya? And nice job sounding level-headed in a national publication with the phrase “losing his shit.” Something tells me Kyle Long isn’t the only wackjob in that household. Good Lord.

Note: I only saw my Dad get angry at a business one time in my life. He was buying something at Sears and the cashier loudly and dismissively told him his card had been declined. This was a mistake, not to mention rude, and Dad calmly told her to cancel the card. He then tossed another Sears card on the counter and told her to cancel it as well. Dad was the Purchasing Manager at Mead Corporation and it was the company card. The idiot lady complied, and by the time we got home the President of the company was calling to apologize. True story.

Yahoo Lifestyle- Some people will go a bit too far to get that perfect selfie. A woman was attacked by a jaguar after she crossed over a zoo barrier in order to take a photo with the wild animal, authorities say.

And so it goes. Once again some dipshit tried a stupid selfie and paid the price. People have now been killed or injured talking selfies with lions, bears, on the edge of cliffs, on top of towers, and now with a damn cheetah. Amazing really. Natural selection at its best I guess? Anywho, good job jaguar. You did it for all of us.

Not today, dumbass.

TextingSept2015

StreetStats- Pedestrian deaths were up 35% last year, compared to a decade ago. This is due to the rise of heavy SUVs, population growth in regions that do not prioritize walking and distracted driving, a new report shows. The Governors Highway Safety Association estimated that roughly 6,227 pedestrians were killed last year, the highest pedestrian fatality figure since 1990 and 35% more than were killed 10 years ago.

Gee, ya think? This has to be the most unsurprising statistic of all-time, man. People don’t pay attention anymore. Hell, I don’t even to stop to make a turn without keeping my eye on the rearview mirror due to all the damn people texting and driving. During my travels over the past couple years I’ve witnessed people not only texting and driving but watching movies on their iPads, doing their make-up, reading a book, and sleeping. I’m dead serious. I once passed a guy, glanced over and saw his eye closed, blew my horn, and he proceeded to nonchalantly give me a thumbs-up and proceed onward like it was perfectly normal. Hell, people aren’t looking for anything in front of them, human beings or otherwise. Keep your head on a swivel, folks. People are nuts.

Note: On the other hand, my 5′-10″ father could be driving and somehow reach into the backseat of our 1966 Pontiac Catalina Station Wagon, smack me in the head for being an idiot, and still stay between the lines. That’s a special gift right there.

 

Hollywood- Rapper Rich the Kid is OK after being attacked in an armed robbery in West Hollywood.

A representative for the 26-year-old rapper, born Dimitri Roger, told USA TODAY that “Rich is OK” following the attack outside of the esteemed Westlake Recording Studios. 

In a statement, Deputy Trina Schrader said three suspects, who she described as black males, assaulted and robbed three victims of their jewelry and money in an alley. TMZ reports that the victims included Roger and two members from his entourage.

Wow, tough day for Rich the Kid, huh? Of course when you name yourself “Rich” you’re sort of putting a target on your back I guess. Oh, and I guess it could’ve been the photo he posted outside the studio a couple hours before the robbery:

Yeah, it was definitely the photo he posted outside the studio a couple hours before the robbery.

So Coach Bill Bilicheat Belichick once again went through the incredibly obnoxious tradition of renaming his boat a couple days ago, updating the name from VII Rings to VIII Rings after his sixth Super Bowl win (he won two as a defensive coordinator). Deservedly Bill is catching hell for his pretentiousness, but in my opinion the lead is being buried here, and that lead is DAMN THAT’S A TINY BOAT. Holy shit Bill, I have friends that fish in bigger boats on Paint Creek, let alone Boston Damn Harbor. What is that, a 2-seater? Your net worth is $35-million, dude. You’re embarrassing yourself.

PS- Wanna see a real boat? Check out what Tiger Woods tools around in:

PPS- Tiger after seeing Bill’s dinghy:

Check out Alexander Goldinsky, man. Just screwing up Insurance Fraud like you read about. Listen, if you’re going to commit to a crime you have to be all in. You can’t half-ass it like Alexander Goldinsky. That’s Insurance Fraud 101 really. Simply lying down like you’re taking a nap won’t cut it in the Insurance Fraud game, and it’s embarrassing to any self-respecting Insurance Frauders out there.

PS- From this day hence it will be said of anyone who screws up an Insurance Fraud scam that they “pulled a Goldinsky.”

A Taiwanese woman known as the “Bikini Climber,” has tragically died after freezing to death following a fall. GiGi Wu, 36, was embarking on a 25-day hike when she stumbled 65-feet down a ravine in Central Taiwan’s Yushan Mountain, Taiwan News reported. Due to the impact of the fall, Wu sustained injuries to her leg and was unable to move, the outlet reported. Despite her many calls for help, emergency responders were not able to immediately reach her as weather conditions were extremely dangerous. Nearly 28-hours later, Wu was airlifted out but was pronounced dead, officials said, according to local site Liberty News.

Listen, I don’t want anyone to die. That said, some people are begging for it, you know? I mean, climbing mountains while wearing a bikini and then freezing to death has to be the most predictable thing ever, right? Sort of like taking selfies on building ledges and then dying by falling from a great height, that sort of thing. Reminds me of the guy who tried to take a selfie with a crocodile and got eaten. People, man. They’ll apparently do anything for attention, including killing themselves.

 

 

Well played, Kilroy’s. Well played indeed.

Good. God.

I actually attempted two websites before this one and neither really caught on. The first was called Rock Hard Times and was all about music. The second was called The Inside Handshake and stuck exclusively to sports. Then one day it hit me – why limit myself to one subject? Hell, I have opinions and observations on other stuff as well. Why not open it up to everything? Music, sports, politics, science, entertainment, nature, the list was endless. Thus was born Shoe: Untied, a play on my name along with the idea of sort of letting loose (actually a friend of mine came up with the title and I liked it). Anyway, as you know the site turned out to be a pretty eclectic one, and that’s the way my crack staff and I like it.

One thing I discovered early is that you can never, ever predict what people will like. Sometimes I write something I think is great and get very little response. Other times I write something that I feel is sort of trivial and it just blows up (see drunk pig blog below). Like the title says, it defies explanation.

With that said, here is our annual year-end report and Top 25 Most Popular Blogs for 2018. We’ll start with #1 and work our way down. Just click on the title if you want to take a gander.

Australian Pig Steals 18-Beers From Campers, Gets Drunk, Fights Cow

Yes ladies and gentlemen, a short little article I posted along with my observations back in 2014 got over 500,000 views this past year. For you non-mathematicians, that’s over half a million people. Seriously man, it was about a drunk pig. See, a radio station out in Seattle happened upon my site, liked the post, and put a link to that story on its website. Then the Aussies got hold of it and the rest is history.

UPDATE: Drunk Australian Pig That Started Fight With Cow Killed In Car Accident

Aaaand of course the throngs of people who loved the drunken swine story were interested in the tragic update. On a related note, Australians and I have the same exact sense of humor.

My Side of the Story

Nearly 400,000 people from all over the world heard my side of the story, and I’m glad they did.

Sis

I thought losing a basketball job was a tragic experience. I soon learned that, on life’s grand scale, it wasn’t.

My Dad and I

My memories of my father, who we lost just 53-days after my sister.

“Things Most White People Say” List Is Hilarious, Also 100% Correct

Basically just a repost of some funny tweets I’d run across. Good stuff and people liked it.

Incredible Photo of the Day: Gator Catch!

This was another post that the Australians inexplicably enjoyed. A large percentage of its views came from the Land Down Under.

So How Many People Did The Rifleman Actually Kill?

I love the old TV show The Rifleman, so one day I decided to research just how many people Lucas McCain actually killed. The answer? 120. Ol’ Luke murdered 120 people. But hey, they all deserved it so it’s cool.

Scioto Valley Conference Boys Basketball Preview & Predictions

A preview I wrote regarding our local basketball conference. I must say it’s turning out the way I predicted. So far.

The 2017 Ugly Dog Contest Was An Absolute Joke

My critique of the Ugly Dog Contest and its beautiful winner, Martha.

Cool Beans! Words and Phrases That Need To Make A Comeback

Another story I published a couple years that seems to never go away. Just a simple blog about words.

An American Hero: Ruby Bridges

My story about Ruby Bridges, the little 6-year old African-American who integrated an all-white elementary school in New Orleans on November 14, 1960.

Map of the Day: World Rat Distribution

The most fascinating aspect of this map is that Alberta, Canada is rat free, and it’s not by accident.

Regarding Beach Midgets

Just an offbeat, original little story that people seemed to find hilarious.

15 Reasons I Hate LeBron James (Or Used To)

I wrote this after LeBron left Cleveland with his ridiculous television show, “The Decision”. I really did hate the guy for a few years, but he won me back with his letter admitting he’d made a mistake with the way he left, then returning to Cleveland and ultimately bringing them a championship.

Celebrity Mugshots: My Top 10

Another old post that saw a resurgence of sorts in 2018. I’ve no idea why.

Meet Australian Cow Knickers, the Biggest Damn Cow You’ll Ever See

Again, Australians, man.

If You Haven’t heard of August Landmesser It’s a Damn Shame

I’m truly glad people liked this one, and I’m glad I got to spread the word about August Landmesser.

Paint Valley Basketball Records

This is a page I maintain that’s linked to Shoe: Untied. It gets a lot of hits.

Brad Kerns and Parenting the Way It Should Be

A telling story about one of my basketball parents and also one of the best friends I ever had.

The Many Worlds Theory is Wildly Fascinating

A pretty good example of what an eclectic website Shoe: Untied really is.

Map of the Day: USA IQ Test Scores by State

I had a lot I wanted to say here politically bit I couldn’t pull the trigger.

Man Killed Trying to Bring Christianity to Remote Island Tribe

A recent story that was quite controversial. Seems not everyone agreed with my views.

Another Drunk Animal Causes Havoc, and This Time It’s a Sozzled Squirrel.

Who knew drunk animal stories would be so wildly popular? Not I.

Don’t Think Animals Are Scary Smart? Read On.

There’s a certain segment of people who visit my site that can’t get enough of the animal stuff. They just eat it up. Animals, man.

So there ya go. All in all it was the biggest year ever for Shoe: Untied, and I thank the people who visit because you’re obviously as nuts as I am.

Happy New Year everyone.

 

A big game hunter/veterinarian who sparked worldwide fury when he posed next to a lion he had killed has died after falling 100-feet down a ravine while shooting birds. Officials say he was out hunting with pals when he slipped on ice and fell down a ravine at Colle Delle Oche in the hills above the Italian city of Turin.

Luciano Ponzetto had angered animal lovers by posing smiling next to a lion he had shot and then uploading it onto his Facebook page. He hit back at critics and said: “I know that I have done nothing wrong. I am being criticized by people who do not know me, I have always loved my work and I have always loved wild animals.”

First off, we all know this wasn’t an accident, right? The animals are striking back. This dude was pushed off that cliff by a horde of revenge-seeking rabbits or squirrels or something, man. Just shoved him over the edge in the name of Simba, Cecil, the Cowardly Lion and all the other lions. And hey Luciano, please explain how you can “love wild animals” while also putting a slug in their brain. Newsflash – you can’t. Just be honest and tell us you get your jollies killing beautifully majestic creatures. Karma, man. It’s a bitch.

So a damn thief stole a package off someone’s porch, and it turns out he picked the wrong house. This is because the someone was an engineer that happens to work for NASA and rigged the box in an epic manner. Dude put a glitter bomb and fart spray in that sucker, set to go off upon opening. Oh, and he had a hidden camera installed as well, so we can see the madness in all its glory. Trust me, it’s worth a look.

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

Just an awful blow to the head. Hope he’s OK.

What can I say, some headlines just write themselves . . .

BYRON, Ill. — Ten football players at a Northern Illinois high school were suspended from the team for three games last month after they ran across the field naked with Oreo cookies wedged between their buttocks. The Rockford Register Star reports that the Byron High School players were suspended for indecent exposure after school administrators concluded they went on the “Oreo Run” at the school’s football field voluntarily and were not victims of hazing.

Well, isn’t this a crummy story. Listen, I couldn’t care less that a bunch of football players were involved in some homo-erotic team tradition. Hey, to each his own. What does bother me is that perfectly innocent Oreos were involved. Delicious Oreos are made to be eaten, not double-stuffed into a tight end. That’s abuse of a delicious snack treat, my friends.

PS- I heard one of the guys lost the filling in his ass. That’s unfortunate.

PPS- That “double stuffed into a tight end” line is what separates me from your ordinary bloggers, kids.

Sigh . . .

Local radio stations across the country have officially started to air their Christmas playlists as the holiday quickly approaches. But when it comes to Cleveland’s Star 102’s festive lineup, one classic won’t be heard.

“Baby It’s Cold Outside” may have been a fan favorite in the past. However, after one listener called in to flag the song’s lyrics, the station’s emcees realized that there may not be a place for the “manipulative” connotations of the song in 2018.

Written in 1944, the song’s lyrics detail an interaction between a man and woman, when the woman expresses her desire to leave his house, and he lures her to stay:

“My mother will start to worry (Beautiful what’s your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor (Listen to the fireplace roar)
So really I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry)
Well maybe just a half a drink more (Put some records on while I pour).”

“We used to play the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” but the executives told us it’s no longer appropriate,” employee Glenn Anderson wrote on the station’s site.

Aaaand so it begins. First “Baby It’s Cold Outside”, and next they’ll come after “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” because it’s about adultery (yes, I know Santa was actually the father but you get the point). Seriously, I understand the Me Too Movement and its importance. I realize certain attitudes need changing, but isn’t this going a little too far? We’re talking about a Christmas song from another time. It was written in 1944 after all, and music reflects the time in which it was written. And have any of these people listened to rap lyrics? Hell, John Lennon sang about killing his girlfriend if she left him in 1964. Don’t believe me? Check it:

Well, I’d rather see you dead, little girl
Than to be with another man
You better keep your head, little girl
Or you won’t know where I am
You better run for your life if you can, little girl
Hide your head in the sand, little girl
Catch you with another man
That’s the end, little girl.

But hey, Lennon never killed anyone as far as we know. But this is not a new story where music is concerned. Remember back in the 80s when some kid committed suicide and his parents blamed an Ozzy Osborne song? You know, because it had nothing to do with the fact they were inattentive, lousy parents. Yeesh.

Anyway, lighten up people. It’s a song.

PS- Anyone under 25 won’t be listening to this song or give a damn anyway.

 

See what I did there?

Washington Post: A Texas mother is calling out a Southwest Airlines employee who she said mocked her 5-year-old daughter’s name and then posted a picture of the small child’s boarding pass on social media.
Traci Redford told ABC affiliate KABC her daughter’s name is Abcde, which is pronounced “ab-si-dee.”

Redford said the incident occurred when she and her daughter were preparing to board a flight from Santa Ana, Calif., home to El Paso, Tex. Redford told the station that a gate agent at California’s John Wayne Airport saw Abcde’s name and started pointing, laughing and talking to other employees about Redford and her child.

Southwest Airlines has since apologized, saying that the social media post is “not indicative of the care, respect, and civility” that the airline requires from its employees.

Here’s the deal. If you name your kid Abcde you should not only expect her to be mocked, you should expect her to be belittled, razzed, teased, disparaged, scorned, roasted, bad-mouthed and pooh-poohed. What are you going to name your next kid, Fghijk? Then Lmnopq? The mind reels, man.

PS- Seriously, why do people try so hard to come up with unique names for their kids? Every time little Blayde or Hayzil or Aliviyah gives someone their name at a bank or hotel they’re going to have to spell it out for the rest of their lives. Little Max, Sam or Hank? Not so much. Time saved, baby.

PPS- Turns out Abcde is not that unique. A little Googling reveals that an Abcde Zoller plays soccer for the University of Hawaii at Hilo, and an Abcde de Coito teaches Zumba classes in the Aloha state. The site NameCandy also suggests the name may also be relatively common in New Mexico and among Latino families. Huh. Who knew?