Archive for the ‘Assclowns’ Category

Ladies and gentlemen, few things make me happier than seeing a bullfighter gored by a bull. However, one of those things is seeing a bullfighter gored directly in the junk. Job well done bull. Well done indeed.

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Listen, having my life threatened because of something I’ve written isn’t new. I’ve been threatened by angry clowns, Nazis, racist rednecks, a crazy lady stalker and even an angry mother of a high school bowler from Cincinnati. Still, this latest threat has me a little flummoxed. See, a few weeks ago I wrote a little something called Do you know a psychopath? which I thought was a fairly innocuous piece about, well, psychopaths. Anyway, a couple days later I received this little missive from some nutjob who has to be out of his gourd. I shall break it down as we go:

YOU, personally, really should weigh your words SERIOUSLY. I strongly advise you to delete this written defamation of a huge group of people who do not take slander and character assassination like this easily.

Well, I sort of assumed psychopaths would not take things lightly, so this part doesn’t surprise me a bit. Psychopaths, man. Thin-skinned like you read about.

I do not know which organization you have got to back you up, but if you do not care about lawsuits in the multi-million dollar range, fine, just keep on doing what you are doing.

HA! First off, these people have no idea what organization I have backing me up, and if they did they’d back off in a heartbeat. Let’s just say The Black Wave has my back.

Bad. Ass.

If you DO care about spending x-amounts of money to try and defend this CLEARLY written libel, then take my advice – DELETE. Your post is now officially been copied and screen-shotted and digitally stored for later use and evidence. This is just a warning. Delete or pay the consequences either monetarily or physically.

Whoa, can you say dark turn? But listen, any threatening letter writer that uses the word screen-shotted is alright by me. Hell, I’m not even mad. That’s amazing.

We are Antifa, we do not forget.

Wait. What? Who? Antifa? The anti-fascist group? Has this psychopath even read my website? Hell, I’m practically Antifa myself, man. C’mon Antifa. You’re better’n ‘at.

Note: No way somebody from Antifa wrote this. Has to be a lone wolf psychopath dude. I’m not rich so a lawsuit means nothing to me, and I ran the IP address and it originated from Arlington, Virginia. That would be a what, a 7-hour drive to kill me? To be safe, Sparky and I shall be on high alert for a few days. Such is the life of a world-famous blogger.

 

Source
A security guard nearly lost an arm in a brutal battle with a 25-ft python – which was later chopped up and fried by hungry Indonesian villagers. Robert Nababan crossed paths with the giant creature while patrolling an oil palm plantation in the remote Batang Gansal subdistrict of Sumatra island. Police say the 37-year-old tried to catch the giant python and stuff it in a gunny sack. But the huge serpent fought back and bit him on his left arm, nearly severing it from his body.

There’s one thing that stands out to me regarding this story, and that is the fact that Robert Nataban saw a 25-foot python while patrolling a oil palm plantation and proceeded to try and catch it and stuff it into a gunny sack. What the hell, man? I searched up “gunny sack” on the Goggle and here’s what came up:

How in the hell did Robert Nataban think he was going to stuff that monster into that tiny sack? Dude either has balls the size of basketballs or a brain the size of a BB. Good God man. Any normal human being would have taken one look at that slithering reptilian beast and run for his life. Instead, Robert Nataban tries to be a badass and ends up with his arm nearly severed from his body. There are some wild shenanigans going on over there in the Batang Gansal subdistrict of Sumatra Island, lemme tell ya.

PS- The fact that this snake was chopped up, fried and eaten by the villagers is so Indonesia it hurts.

Try and find a better headline writer. You can’t. Anyway . . .

Source – A 19-year-old man who shot himself in the penis after allegedly holding up a South Side hotdog stand Tuesday won’t be going home when he’s released from the hospital. Terrion Pouncy was arrested at the Oak Lawn hospital not long after he was found slumped on the steps of a home across the street from a West Pullman restaurant that Chicago Police say he robbed at gunpoint about 6 a.m. on Halloween. The hotdog stand employee had been passing a bucket filled with grease over the counter as he called for his co-worker to hand over the cash from the register. As they passed their wallets and a stack of singles to Pouncy, the bucket tipped and bills went flying, police said. Shifting the gun in his waistband as he ran out he apparently pulled the trigger, firing a bullet that struck him in the penis.

Hotdog stand robbery. Man shoots self in penis. Some stories just write themselves, ya know? Seriously though, unless you shoot yourself in the groin I don’t want to hear about your bad day. Why? Because Terrion Pouncy’s bad day will top your bad day 100 times out of 100.

PS- Who grabs a gun by the trigger as they pull it out of their pants? That’s Burglar 101, man.

We all know guys like this. J-u-s-t not quite right. A couple eggs short of a dozen. Both oars not quite in the water. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. They remind you of Paul Revere’s Ride, as in a little light in the belfry. Anyhoo, Jameis Winston is one of those guys. Honestly, you can tell he’s half nuts by looking into his eyes. Listen to his pregame speech yesterday and tell me I’m wrong. Dude is unhinged, man. But seriously, somebody needs to make sure Tampa Bay is following the proper concussion protocol.

PS- His speech rallied the squad to a 30-10 loss. Good times.

Daily Mail: This is the horrifying moment a Siberian tiger attacked a young female zookeeper in full view of visitors. The big cat,called Typhoon sprang on the keeper at Kaliningrad Zoo, in Russia, after its cage was accidentally left open while she brought food to the animal. But her life was saved as shocked onlookers shouted and threw stones at tiger until it backed away. Some men even lifted a table and chairs from a nearby cafe, hurling them over the fence to distract the predator so the keeper could escape.

Boy, those guys are real heroes, huh? Throwing a table and chairs down on Typhoon from behind the fence. Tough guys. Still, this is an old story. Humans keeping a wild animal caged, somebody leaves a gate open, and next thing you know a zookeeper is facing the cold hard truth that tigers are born meateaters and one of them is looking at you as its next meal. Nature, man. There’s no reality check like a good old-fashioned mauling.

PS- There is zero chance I’d go to a zoo in Russia. Those people don’t give a damn about nuthin’.

There’s really nothing more for me to add.

Listen, I don’t like the way Bill Belichick treats reporters any more than the next guy, but this casually dumb dipstick brought the Belichickian Hell down on himself. First of all, he was sitting there all chillaxed-like and trying WAY to hard to be cool. Secondly, the question was just dumb. Check out the video, with another observation below it.

Some people online were saying this reporter reminded them of Ellis from “Die Hard.” I tend to agree.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great pride that I announce this . . . From Elyria, Ohio, here’s your 500th ASSHAT OF THE DAY! Milestone city! My Asshat Patrol’s tireless efforts have made a difference, as parkers all over the world are thinking twice before parking like an asshat! My tenacious patrol will continue to take the fight to enemy in parking lots, public streets and anywhere people park their vehicles.

Thanks to Asshat Patrol member Bob Sims for busting this historic asshat!

Listen, I’ve always been against the sale of AK-47s and whatnot. Now? I totally get it. Hey, you forget my chicken wings and I’m going to shoot you the hell up, man. Especially at Pirtle’s Chicken. At least we know those assault-style weapons are being sold to upstanding, law-abiding citizens. I get it!

Haven’t these people seen Children of the Corn?

The Post: A 3-year-old boy was found wandering alone through a 10-acre corn maze in northern Utah after his family left him behind, not realizing the small child was missing until the next morning, police say.

The distraught preschooler was discovered by a good Samaritan on Monday night near the entrance of the Crazy Corn Maze in West Jordan, near Salt Lake City.

“He was crying and upset and obviously scared,” Kendall Schmidt, co-owner of the corn maze, told The Washington Post in a phone interview Wednesday. “We were trying to calm him down.”

He was handed over to the Utah Division of Child and Family Services for the night. It wasn’t until Tuesday morning that his mother noticed he was missing, police said.

Number one, 10-acres is one big-ass Corn Maze. Number two, if you run a Corn Maze shouldn’t you, you know, run a sweep of the damn thing before you close to make sure there are no people left in there? That’s Corn Maze 101, man. The whole idea of a Corn Maze is for people to get lost in it. Number three, anyone who believes these parents are idiots. They clearly left the kid and made a run for it. Nobody leaves a Corn Maze, goes home and goes to bed without realizing their 3-year old isn’t around. “Hey, anyone seen little Ernie? Breakfast is ready.” That’s insane.

Update: The kid is now in the custody of Children’s Services, thank God. Let somebody have him that doesn’t lose their kid like you lose your car keys.

The other day on Pardon the Interruption sports talking head/jock sniffer/name dropper Michael Wilbon said that NFL teams are “like plantations.” Wilbon, who used to have some credibility but lost it when he started sucking up to professional athletes like Charles Barkley, Magic Johnson and others, now mostly defends athletes and brags about having dinner with them.

Anyway, he was trying to point out that owners don’t have the right to tell players what to say and how to feel just because they’re employed by them. While that’s partly true, the plantation comparison was terribly misguided.

Wilbon, let me give you a short history lesson, for they apparently didn’t teach it to you at Northwestern. See, plantations were places that were usually inhabited by slaves and the owners who held them against their will back in the not-so-good old days. Slaves were kidnapped, beaten and forced to work without pay. On the other hand, NFL teams are businesses with employees who are compensated quite handsomely to play a game once a week, and are free to work in the NFL or not work in the NFL as they please.

To conclude, NFL teams are in no way similar to a plantation.

Thank you. That is all.

If you live literally anywhere but in a major city the video below will be laugh-out-loud funny. A cow got loose in the Big Apple and the locals acted like an alien dropped down from Uranus. It’s funny because New Yorkers act like midwesterners are gullible, innocent hicks yet there they are, giggling, taking photos and acting like school children at the sight of a regular farm animal. Too funny, man. City people are hilarious.

PS- Uranus jokes simply never get old, amirite?

We’ve all heard the arguments for and against the guys who are kneeling for the anthem – it’s unpatriotic, it’s not about the flag, it’s showing disrespect to our soldiers, it’s pointing out racial injustice, blah-blah-blah. Everyone knows where I stand on the issue (pun intended) because I posted a thread that got about 10-million freakin’ responses. Anywho, check out the jackass in the photo below with the “I Stand For The National Anthem” shirt and what he’s doing. This is blasphemy of the highest order, an ultimate sin and outrage to all true citizens of the United States of America. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that man is drinking beer through a straw.

 

People are dumb. Here’s proof. Click for the funny.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette — A text message sent in January to U.S. Rep. Tim Murphy by a woman with whom he had an extra-marital relationship took him to task for an anti-abortion statement posted on Facebook from his office’s public account.

“And you have zero issue posting your pro-life stance all over the place when you had no issue asking me to abort our unborn child just last week when we thought that was one of the options,” Shannon Edwards, a forensic psychologist in Pittsburgh with whom the congressman admitted last month to having a relationship, wrote to Mr. Murphy on Jan. 25, in the midst of an unfounded pregnancy scare.

On Wednesday, Murphy released a statement in which he says he will not seek re-election.

A text from Mr. Murphy’s cell phone number that same day in response says, “I get what you say about my March for Life messages. I’ve never written them. Staff does them. I read them and winced. I told staff don’t write any more. I will.”

Man, bad look for Rep. Tim Murphy of Pennsylvania, amirite? You base a lot of your campaign on being anti-abortion only to have your mistress show the world you asked her to get an abortion. That’s a slap in the face of your voters if there ever was one. And I love how he threw his staff under the bus in a heartbeat. Politicians, man.

PS –  A politician being a hypocrite? Whodathunkit? Nothing like telling people how to live and what to do with their lives but refusing to hold yourself to that same standard. Crazy times, man. Next thing you know a billionaire real estate magnate game show host will convince the common folk he cares about them and they’ll elect him president. 

Shocking really. Who’d ever think a lion would bite you?

Her kids saw it first: A woman, pants around ankles, defecating before the Budde family’s Colorado Springs home.

Then it happened again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Each week brings a fresh pile of excrement to the sidewalk in front of Cathy Budde’s home, she told local station KKTV — at least seven so far. Budde calls her “The Mad Pooper.” Police remain baffled. The family feels helpless to stop her.
“I came outside, and I was like, ‘Are you serious?'” Budde said of the time she caught the woman, a jogger, in the act. “‘Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids?’ She’s like, ‘Yeah, sorry!'”

Then the woman jogged away. She leaves only confusion, and also the paper towels that she wipes with.

Even in a world wrought with senseless violence, the Mad Pooper’s antics astonish. There’s a portable toilet at nearby John Venezia Community Park.  A gas station not far from that. So then why? Why the Budde family? And why now?

These questions haunt Colorado Springs residents, and the officers sworn to protect them. “For someone to repeatedly do such a thing, it’s uncharted territory for me,” Sgt. Johnathan Sharketti of the Colorado Springs Police Department told KKTV.

Listen, for me there’s almost nothing more disgusting than someone doing #2. Can’t deal with it, won’t deal with it. At basketball camps I’d walk up three floors of the dorm just find a private bathroom. And I’m still scarred from that time I was a freshman in high school and walked into the boys locker room to find Sammy Dickey sitting on the toileteating a peanut butter sandwich. That’s a sight that will be burned into my memory forever. Hell, I couldn’t eat peanut butter for 2-years. On a related note, I may or may not have broken up with a girl because she kept leaving the damn bathroom door open. Nothing, and I mean nothing, kills sexiness like seeing a woman taking a dump. So, if anyone deserves the death penalty it’s the Mad Pooper. Dead serious. Lethal inject that serial defecator, and do it immediately upon her capture.

PS- Ewwww.

Back in my first stint as a high school coach we were playing a much larger school in a town 25-miles northwest of us. We were really good, they were really good, the place was packed, and it was a tight game throughout.

During the game I’d been up pacing back and forth as usual, and I was getting on the officials pretty good. That said, it wasn’t anything unusual. I’ve been way more emotional in other games.

Anyway, it was midway through the third quarter when something happened that I’d never experienced before and haven’t since. As I was walking from the end of our bench to midcourt, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around, expecting one of my players or managers to be standing there. Instead, what I saw was a policeman, albeit a very short one. Yep, he was just standing there looking right up in my face. Keep in mind the game was in progress and I hadn’t even received a technical foul. 

My first thought was “Why are you here?” My second thought was, “Get the hell out of here.” However, what I did was turn and walked away, at which point he grabbed my shoulder, and when I turned around he said this:

You need to settle down and take a seat.”

Incredulous, I looked around but there was no Athletic Director or school administrator in sight.  Hell, the game hadn’t even stopped so the referees were busy.

I was left to deal with the little dude myself.

I said, “You shouldn’t be out here. The officials are in charge of the game. I’m not breaking any laws. Go away.”

To which he wittily replied, “Sit down. Now.” I swear this happened, but sadly I have no audio. I do, however, have video, and what it shows is that little Barney Fyffe has his hand on his gun.

 

Had I noticed that little detail  I may not have said this:

“You have two choices. You can turn around and walk away or arrest me, because I’m not sitting down. This is a damn basketball game.”

Somehow, someway, and may I also say incredibly given his attitude, he stared at me for a second, then turned and walked out of the gym. And although I half-expected to see him out of the corner of my eye busting back through the door with an Uzi, he stayed there.

Good times.

Note: Incredibly, when I was AD it happened again, this time to an opposing coach at my school. I swear I felt like I was having flashbacks. This time I was there to go explain to the cop that he was out of line and escorted him off the floor. Amazing.

Get it together Australia.

Remember that Cool Animal of the Day I posted a couple days ago? The little darling that resided in fish’s mouths after eating their tongues? The Cymothoa Exigua? Apparently not everybody appreciated it:

Commenter: “Hey dumbass! Way to ruin my breakfast. I wanted to start my day with a smile so I checked out your site this morning and that disgusting thing popped up looking at me. I just about lost my breakfast. Why? Do NOT do that again and I’m not kidding.”

Me:

Cereal Leaf Beetle

Me:

(Source) — A former Los Altos High School student and baseball player is suing the school district and his former coach for hundreds of thousands of dollars because the coach repeatedly benched him. According to the suit, the school’s head varsity baseball coach, Gabriel Lopez, repeatedly refused to let 17-year-old Robbie Lopez, no relation, play throughout his senior year. The suit claims this constituted a pattern of “harassment and bullying.” The teenager and his parents are seeking $150,000 or more, according to the suit.

Sigh. And so it continues. If this is bullying, do you know how many of my former players could sue me? I’ll give you the answer – hundreds. Good God, man. Newsflash, Robbie Lopez – it’s your coach’s job to bench you if you’re not playing well. Hell, using this logic every kid on the bench could sue his coach. That’s just dumb, man.

PS- In the future every coach will be required to play every player an exact even number of minutes. Then nobody will get their feelings hurt. Awesome.

Let’s begin with what may be the single greatest video on the internet right now. My comments follow . . .

First off, let’s get one thing out of the way. You can’t get much whiter than that dude, so he has to be happy about that. Secondly, you can’t be a white supremacist and wear your pants that low. You just can’t. That’s just copying the very folks you’re supposed to be supreme over. That’s lame, man. Bet he listens to Drake and Li’ Wayne too. Anyway, s-u-r-e it’s easy being a racist. You know, until you become separated from your fellow bigots and you’re being chased by some black guy with a stick. Then it gets real real fast, man. I mean, the little Eminem wannabe here couldn’t get that “uniform” off fast enough. But seriously, I had no idea the uniform of the white supremacists was a white polo and khakis. Not kidding, that’s the uniform. Isn’t that sort of lame? They look like the nerd that shows up to work on my laptop or something.

Anyway, bad look for the white supremacists, man. Guess their admission requirements are a little low?

PS- Can’t wait for the hate messages I’m sure to get from the Nazis. The over-under on grammar mistakes per message is 23.

Pure comedy.

 

Namibian media say an elephant trampled and killed an Argentine who was in a group of hunters tracking a herd of elephants. The Namibia Press Agency said the hunter, identified as 46-year-old Jose Monzalvez, was killed on Saturday afternoon in a private wildlife area 43-miles northwest of the small town of Kalkfeld. The agency said Monzalvez, who worked for an oil company, was with another Argentine and three Namibians when he was killed. It says one of the elephants charged before the group was able to find a spot to aim and shoot.

No fair! No fair! The elephant didn’t give Jose Monzalvez time to find a spot to shoot! What kind of hunting rules are these Namibian elephants playing by, anyway? That’s bogus, man. Everyone knows the animal is supposed to just stand there while the hunter takes his time to murder it, man. Play by the rules, animals!

PS- This seems to be happening more and more. Animals, man. They’re fighting back. Next we’ll hear about a squirrel hunter getting a vein ripped out of his neck and bleeding out under a walnut tree.

PPS- Can’t wait.