Archive for the ‘Assclowns’ Category

So noted pompous asshat Elon Musk unveiled his new bulletproof Tesla Cybertruck yesterday and it didn’t go well. It looks like something a 3rd grader would draw, I know of no self-respecting driver of trucks who would be seen in this monstrosity, and, uh, it ain’t bulletproof. Check it out.

Can’t you just picture a farmer you know pulling up to the local diner in this beauty?

Man, that was an awkward headline. Sorry. Anywho . . .

(BBC) –  A man who was gored by a bison in June took a date back to the same place – only for her also to be attacked.

Kyler Bourgeous brought Kayleigh Davis to the same trail at a state park in Utah with plans to watch the sunset. But when Ms. Davis ran a little ahead, she ended up alone with a bison who charged and flipped her into the air.

“I looked over my shoulder, seeing it get closer – and I looked again and it was pretty much right behind me. Right as I saw it, I flew up in the air about 15-feet,” Ms. Davis says.

She landed on her back and lay completely still – remembering what happened to Mr. Bourgeous – as the bison sniffed at her until he eventually left her alone.

Whew. Where to start. First of all, what are the chances this guy is tired of his girlfriend and wanted to end things for good? He takes her for the exact same spot and says, “Hey honey, you go on ahead. I’ll be along shortly.” Then boom, the bison does his thing like Kyler Bourgeous knew he would and Kyler is free as a bird.

Secondly, if it wasn’t a diabolical plan how stupid is this moron? His girlfriend wants to go on a date to watch the sunset and he says, “Great! I know the perfect romantic location! Let’s go to that place where I was gored by a bison!” It’ll be great!”

Finally, what are the percentages this bison heard that couple talking and attacked them because their names were Kyler and Kayleigh? I say 89%.

Good God.

So Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is dealing with the holdout of running back Zeke Elliott and the contract demands of Dak Prescott and Amari Cooper. Here’s what Jones said regarding his players:

Anyone care to interpret that for me?

 

Newsweek- A man using a blowtorch to clear weeds in a mobile home community accidentally started a fire that forced dozens of residents to temporarily evacuate.

The blaze began Wednesday around 5:15pm in Green Oak Township, Michigan, about 50-miles from Detroit. According to Fire Chief Kevin Gentry, when firefighters arrived it had already spread to one trailer, and then another. In all three units were damaged.

Firefighters extinguished the flames in about about 20-minutes, but two propane tanks began leaking so severely the Livingston County Hazmat Team was called in.

Authorities are still investigating the incident and have not released any information about who was responsible.

So this guy’s weedeater was apparently broken down so he did what any Michigan Man would do – try to get rid of his weeds with a damn blowtorch, starting a fire that forced dozens of residents to evacuate. Michigan Men, huh? Always good for a few laughs, especially in late November.

PS- Seriously, they haven’t released a name yet but this sounds exactly like something Harbaugh would do, amirite? Haul out the ol’ blowtorch to trim the lawn and burn down three house trailers? 

PPS- 62-39.

PPPS-

 

Honest question. This dude has to pay, right? No way I’d sit there and witness this atrocity. Number one, keep your damn shoes on. Number two, keep your stinking feet off a screen somebody else will be using. You disgust me, foot swiping touch screen guy.

PS- He’s not handicapped, at least physically. Mentally? Obviously.

I would have let her go ahead and ride with the luggage.

What a terrible person. Grayson Allen was enabled, defended and babied at Duke by Coach K and is now pulling this garbage in the NBA. As Dan Dakich says in the video, it’s one thing if you’re a hard-nosed guy like Draymond Green and are out there mixing it up with people, but it’s another if you’re soft and can’t even handle a simple backscreen without retaliating like a spoiled punk. Get this guy out of here, man.

Ass. Holes.

Ass. Holes.

Two former Alabama college athletes have been arrested after they allegedly beat a duck with baseball bat and left it for dead after attending a party. Thomas ‘Landon’ Grant and Jacob Frye, both 19, are accused of taking the white Muscovy duck from a pond at Central Alabama Community College in Alexander City following the gathering of baseball players on campus. The pair beat it with the bat, then took it to a nearby apartment where they decided to ‘put it out of its misery’, according to a police report.

The coach who found the duck contacted officials at the school which led to a criminal police investigation.

It’s not clear if the players remain on the team or if they have faced disciplinary action by the university.

The duo was booked into Tallapoosa County Jail on the same charge Friday, according to Detective Robert Oliver.

You guys know me. No way I’m gonna try and make anything humorous about this. Hell, I stopped my car to help a damn turtle cross the road on 41 south during my drive back from the friendly little town of Peebles, Ohio, today.* But these two freakshows? They can go straight to hell for all I care. I wonder if that made them feel like tough guys, killing a little animal? And show me a kid who kills animals for kicks and I’ll show you a future Jeffrey Dahmer. That’s science. And kudos to the coach who found the duck and turned these assholes in. Give that dude a raise. But Thomas Grant and Jacob Frye? Fry ’em for all I care.

*That was sarcasm. Some of you get it.

PS- I’m not anti-hunting. I don’t hunt but I get it. But this? No punishment is enough in my opinion.

PPS- I’m actually sort of surprised this is against the law in Alabama because you know, Alabama.

Some headlines just write themselves, ya know?

Alabama investigators are currently searching for a man who allegedly kept an “attack squirrel” inside his apartment and fed the caged animal methamphetamine in order to maintain its aggressive behavior.

Since Mickey Paulk’s Athens apartment was searched on Monday morning, the caged squirrel has been released into the wild, Limestone County Sheriff’s Office’s Public Information Officer Stephen Young confirms to PEOPLE.

According to Young, officers responded to a report on Monday at approximately 8:30 a.m. that Paulk, 35, was allegedly keeping an “attack squirrel” caged inside his home and feeding it meth.

After obtaining a search warrant, Young says animal control and narcotics officers searched the home, located in the 21000 block of Piney Chapel Road, where they seized a number of illegal items, including the squirrel, meth, drug paraphernalia, ammunition and body armor.

First of all, I’m shocked that Mickey Paulk was in possession of illegal items. Dude looks like a model citizen. Secondly, owning an attack squirrel seems like an odd choice, amirite? Seems like a mountain goat, a saltwater crocodile, or a honey badger would be better choices. Maybe a komodo dragon. Anywho, glad the little tree rat is free to roam the forest terrorizing forest creatures and whatnot. Those meth hangovers are a bitch.

PS- When I was in college at Ohio State guy I know had an attack rat. He’d turn that rodent loose and it would come straight at you. Horrifying.

 – A mother from South Carolina was arrested after entering an elementary school without permission where she says she was just trying to confront her son’s bullies. 

The interaction soon got emotional, and according to a police report as well as the Greenville County School District, Jamie Rathburn was seen yelling at a group of kids and a teacher. 

Brotherton said there had been several isolated incidents between Rathburn’s son and fellow classmates but she said it was nothing that would constitute bullying, which she defines as repeated behavior by a specific individual or specific group of people.   

“Maybe in her mind she was going there to confront a bully or a couple of children, but in not knowing who those were and choosing to yell at dozens of innocent kids, there is nothing appropriate about yelling at other people’s children’s in a school setting after you’ve snuck in illegally,” Brotherton said. 

According to Brotherton, some of the specific incidents involved another classmate making faces or telling Rathburn’s son that his haircut was “silly.” 

She says that these incidents continued to occur over the course of the school year and eventually became violent, saying that he was thrown off a ladder slide by his neck and even hit with a computer.  

Rathburn has since sincerely apologized for her behavior but says she was just fed up with how her son was being treated. 

“Anyone who chooses by their own admission to illegally sneak into a school building, yell at a hallway full of 8 and 9-year-old children, and curse an elementary school teacher in front of those children is going to get put on a no trespass notice and not be allowed back into the school for the rest of the year,” said Brotherton. 

Kids, let me tell you a rule of childhood that’s as old as time. If you want to shake that nerd image the last thing you want is for mommy to show up at school to fight your fights for you. It’s just a bad look all-around, man. Hey, if I got picked on at school the last thing I’d do would be to run home and tell my parents. Dad would have taken a look at me, slapped me upside the head and told me to man up and take care of it. For the zillionth time, if you’re going to jump in and save your kid from every little bit of adversity how will they ever learn to fend for themselves?

PS- Making faces at someone is considered bullying now? Telling someone their haircut is silly? Where will it all end?

PPS- If I had $5 for every time I was thrown off the slippery slide by my neck I’d be a millionaire today. That’s nothing, man. Barney Hansberry once got the merry-go-round going so fast I flew off, took out three 1st Graders, hit a basketball pole and lost the feeling on the right side of my body for 15-minutes. Good times. 

Four tiger poachers were killed in a mangrove forest in Bangladesh on Wednesday during a shootout with police, officials said. The alleged poachers opened fire at Rapid Action Battalion, the anti-terrorism unit of the Bangladesh Police, in the Sundarbans, the world’s biggest mangrove forest, after they were questioned, AFP reported.

The four men, who were found dead along with guns and ammunition on the boat, were identified as members of a gang that allegedly poaches Bengal tigers and Irrawaddy dolphins, officials said.

“These gangs have become a major threat to wildlife conservation,” Tajul Islam Islam, a spokesperson for the Rapid Action Battalion, said.

Let this be a warning to all Bengal Tiger poachers in Bangladesh – try and poach a Bengal Tiger, Irrawaddy Dolphin or any other endangered species in Bangladesh and you will be hunted down by the Rapid Action Battalion and you will be murdered. Why? Because the Rapid Action Battalion gives no damns.

PS- I had to find out what the Rapid Action Battalion looked like. I was not disappointed.

Early leader for 2019 Father of the Year.

PORTLAND, Ore. (KOIN) — A Forest Grove man pleaded guilty after admitting he stole his daughter’s Girl Scout Cookie proceeds to pay for an erotic massage. 

Brian David Couture was ordered to do 80-hours of community service and pay restitution for filing a false report. Couture called police on March 6, 2019, saying a stranger had come into his home through the sliding glass door and fought him.

The Washington County District Attorney’s Office said Couture’s laptop was damaged and $700.00 was missing from a jar of his daughter’s Girl Scout Cookie sales.

Nice try by Brian David Couture, huh? Dude gave it a hell of a shot. I mean, it took some major cojones to burgle $700.00 from his daughter’s Girl Scout Cookie money jar and then blame an intruder. I really don’t think the whole “I fought the intruder” shtick was necessary, but I guess he was trying to play the hero for little Emily. Hell, he even sacrificed his laptop to make the break-in more believable. Brian David Couture, man. 2019 Father of the Year.

PS- I brought my A game with that headline, amirite?

PPS- I’ve never had an erotic massage (well, professionally anyway) but 700 clams seems pretty steep no matter what sort of service you’re getting.

PPPS- It’s 80-20 Robert Kraft has contacted this guy for more information.

Everyone knows how I feel about this crap. At graduation don’t act like a fool, don’t make it about you, don’t let your family whoop and holler and act like you’re the first member of the family to get a diploma, just behave with dignity and respect. It’s not that hard. Still, we get jackasses like this guy. Hopefully he’s dead or at least paralyzed. That would be super.

So people will do pretty much anything to get likes on Instagram. Why, I have no idea, but they continue to hang off cliffs, stand on top of cell phone towers, and take selfies with pit vipers. Would I enjoy seeing about one of these nitwits plunging to their deaths? I would not. Would I enjoy reading about it? I probably would. Fun fact: Between 2011 and 2017, 259 people died taking selfies. Drowning is the leading cause of selfie deaths, usually involving people being washed away by waves on beaches or falling out of a boat. The second-leading cause is listed as “transport”, which means people killed, for example, while trying to snap a quick pic in front of a moving train or standing on a moving car. Tied for third are selfie deaths involving falls from high places, as you can see some examples of below. Eight people died while taking selfies with dangerous animals. Unsurprisingly, the US led in the number of selfie deaths involving a firearm – people accidentally shooting themselves while posing with guns. ‘Murica!

Here are some examples of how incredibly dumb people can be.

Dumb.

Ingwelala Private Nature Reserve in South Africa was shaken with the screams of a man who was attacked and killed by Pride of Lion in private game reserve near the Kruger National Park. Before the lions were dispersed with the help of gun-shots, they had eaten most of the body barring the head that was untouched. Police initially thought that the victim was a tractor driver who worked in this private reserve. But later on when the driver appeared alive the suspicion began to grow. A hunting rifle was recovered near the remains of the dead that almost confirmed it to be a poacher who had sneaked into the private reserve. The man was killed viciously and the incident had been very disturbing and terrifying. Nevertheless, sympathy does not stand with the victim who had been hunting in the private reserve. The man had killed 3 Baboon families and spread the bodies around to attract and distract the lions to make them easier to hunt.

Man, there’s nothing better than seeing animal killers eaten by animals, huh? Karma just keeps kicking ass all over the planet, man. Cheetahs mauling wanna be selfie-takers, bears eating their human tormentors, the list continues to grow. And now we have this poacher who killed baboon families to bait lions, only to end up as the bait himself. It’s poetic really, and it made my freakin’ day.

Note: I love how the lions always leave the head, like a calling card or something. Lions, man.

Asshole.

Looks normal enough.

YouTuber Kyle Long was arrested on Sunday in Mountain View, California, for allegedly threatening violence if his meeting with the platform didn’t go as planned.

Long, 33, had driven over 3,000 miles from his home in Waterville, Maine, to the headquarters of Google, which owns YouTube, in California. According to his wife, Samantha Long, her husband became angry when he discovered that a YouTube video he’d uploaded on how to get rich quickly had been taken down, along with his account. However, Samantha didn’t tell him that she was the one who took down the video, not YouTube.

“I just didn’t tell him it was me taking it down because I didn’t want him losing his shit in front of my kids,” she said to BuzzFeed News. She described the video as “bizarre” and said she was worried about his mental health.

Gee, Samantha Long, you’re concerned about your husband’s mental health because he filmed a “bizarre” video for YouTube? What about the fact that he drove 3000-miles to confront Google? Was that a red flag for ya? And nice job sounding level-headed in a national publication with the phrase “losing his shit.” Something tells me Kyle Long isn’t the only wackjob in that household. Good Lord.

Note: I only saw my Dad get angry at a business one time in my life. He was buying something at Sears and the cashier loudly and dismissively told him his card had been declined. This was a mistake, not to mention rude, and Dad calmly told her to cancel the card. He then tossed another Sears card on the counter and told her to cancel it as well. Dad was the Purchasing Manager at Mead Corporation and it was the company card. The idiot lady complied, and by the time we got home the President of the company was calling to apologize. True story.

Yahoo Lifestyle- Some people will go a bit too far to get that perfect selfie. A woman was attacked by a jaguar after she crossed over a zoo barrier in order to take a photo with the wild animal, authorities say.

And so it goes. Once again some dipshit tried a stupid selfie and paid the price. People have now been killed or injured talking selfies with lions, bears, on the edge of cliffs, on top of towers, and now with a damn cheetah. Amazing really. Natural selection at its best I guess? Anywho, good job jaguar. You did it for all of us.

Not today, dumbass.

TextingSept2015

StreetStats- Pedestrian deaths were up 35% last year, compared to a decade ago. This is due to the rise of heavy SUVs, population growth in regions that do not prioritize walking and distracted driving, a new report shows. The Governors Highway Safety Association estimated that roughly 6,227 pedestrians were killed last year, the highest pedestrian fatality figure since 1990 and 35% more than were killed 10 years ago.

Gee, ya think? This has to be the most unsurprising statistic of all-time, man. People don’t pay attention anymore. Hell, I don’t even to stop to make a turn without keeping my eye on the rearview mirror due to all the damn people texting and driving. During my travels over the past couple years I’ve witnessed people not only texting and driving but watching movies on their iPads, doing their make-up, reading a book, and sleeping. I’m dead serious. I once passed a guy, glanced over and saw his eye closed, blew my horn, and he proceeded to nonchalantly give me a thumbs-up and proceed onward like it was perfectly normal. Hell, people aren’t looking for anything in front of them, human beings or otherwise. Keep your head on a swivel, folks. People are nuts.

Note: On the other hand, my 5′-10″ father could be driving and somehow reach into the backseat of our 1966 Pontiac Catalina Station Wagon, smack me in the head for being an idiot, and still stay between the lines. That’s a special gift right there.

 

Hollywood- Rapper Rich the Kid is OK after being attacked in an armed robbery in West Hollywood.

A representative for the 26-year-old rapper, born Dimitri Roger, told USA TODAY that “Rich is OK” following the attack outside of the esteemed Westlake Recording Studios. 

In a statement, Deputy Trina Schrader said three suspects, who she described as black males, assaulted and robbed three victims of their jewelry and money in an alley. TMZ reports that the victims included Roger and two members from his entourage.

Wow, tough day for Rich the Kid, huh? Of course when you name yourself “Rich” you’re sort of putting a target on your back I guess. Oh, and I guess it could’ve been the photo he posted outside the studio a couple hours before the robbery:

Yeah, it was definitely the photo he posted outside the studio a couple hours before the robbery.

So Coach Bill Bilicheat Belichick once again went through the incredibly obnoxious tradition of renaming his boat a couple days ago, updating the name from VII Rings to VIII Rings after his sixth Super Bowl win (he won two as a defensive coordinator). Deservedly Bill is catching hell for his pretentiousness, but in my opinion the lead is being buried here, and that lead is DAMN THAT’S A TINY BOAT. Holy shit Bill, I have friends that fish in bigger boats on Paint Creek, let alone Boston Damn Harbor. What is that, a 2-seater? Your net worth is $35-million, dude. You’re embarrassing yourself.

PS- Wanna see a real boat? Check out what Tiger Woods tools around in:

PPS- Tiger after seeing Bill’s dinghy:

Check out Alexander Goldinsky, man. Just screwing up Insurance Fraud like you read about. Listen, if you’re going to commit to a crime you have to be all in. You can’t half-ass it like Alexander Goldinsky. That’s Insurance Fraud 101 really. Simply lying down like you’re taking a nap won’t cut it in the Insurance Fraud game, and it’s embarrassing to any self-respecting Insurance Frauders out there.

PS- From this day hence it will be said of anyone who screws up an Insurance Fraud scam that they “pulled a Goldinsky.”

A Taiwanese woman known as the “Bikini Climber,” has tragically died after freezing to death following a fall. GiGi Wu, 36, was embarking on a 25-day hike when she stumbled 65-feet down a ravine in Central Taiwan’s Yushan Mountain, Taiwan News reported. Due to the impact of the fall, Wu sustained injuries to her leg and was unable to move, the outlet reported. Despite her many calls for help, emergency responders were not able to immediately reach her as weather conditions were extremely dangerous. Nearly 28-hours later, Wu was airlifted out but was pronounced dead, officials said, according to local site Liberty News.

Listen, I don’t want anyone to die. That said, some people are begging for it, you know? I mean, climbing mountains while wearing a bikini and then freezing to death has to be the most predictable thing ever, right? Sort of like taking selfies on building ledges and then dying by falling from a great height, that sort of thing. Reminds me of the guy who tried to take a selfie with a crocodile and got eaten. People, man. They’ll apparently do anything for attention, including killing themselves.